There are many days when I feel like this meteorological phenomenon, swirling a million miles an hour, knocking about everything in my path, at a dizzying pace. Whew! Although I have eased back considerably, there are indeed times during which I rev up the engine. When that happens, paradoxically I feel like I’m not going to do enough, be enough, have enough. I was on the phone tonight with my cousin Jody in order to pick her brain about the origin of this obnoxious thought. What she came up with, which was really no surprise, was reminding me about my workaholic father who held a full time job, did volunteer work, raised two children, kept up with the house, and sequentially took care of elderly mother and mother in-law. It wasn’t something I hadn’t considered, believe me.
I shared with her that in the past 72 hours, I had officiated at a wedding, co-facilitated a workshop, did a radio interview with Derek O’Neill, based in Ireland, found that two articles I had written, came out today, got a book in the mail to which I had contributed a chapter, will be co-leading a service on Sunday at a Fall Festival, planning other presentations for the next few months, was asked to collaborate on another book project. Any sane person would say that I am fairly accomplished and yet….there is that relentless voice that says “not enough, not enough, not enough.” I want to muzzle it. I teach this stuff because I need to learn it, naturally.
Later calls to my friends Ondreah and Peggy offered solace as they suggested compassion for the slave driver aspects of myself who keeps the hamster wheel in motion or tornado spinning. She’s there for a purpose, although what it is, I can’t totally fathom. I can easily see that some of it is a joy-filled experience, what with all the creative juices that get flowing when I do this work, so it feeds the adrenalin rush of it all.
I ask for guidance and grace to allow me to move through this time of second guessing and into a sense that I AM enough. Grateful for friends who remind me.