Many people who visit Beliefnet are familiar with A Course In Miracles, and like me, have been students for a number of years. I was introduced to this 3 book series in the early 1980’s, which according to the website is: A unique, universal, self-study spiritual thought system that teaches that the way to Love and Inner Peace is through Forgiveness. Drs. Helen Schucman and William Thetford, were given the directive “This is a course in miracles, please take notes.”, by one whom they came to understand was Jesus, so take notes, they did. For nearly 4 decades, the concepts of love, miracles and forgiveness, has touched lives, including mine, reminding me that miracles are a natural part of life, and that in every moment, I can view the world through the eyes of love or fear. Most of the time, I choose love and my life is dramatically altered as a result.
Last night, I found myself in an experience that when all was said and done, I had one of those transformative moments. Since being widowed in 1998, I have been in a few relationships and in between, on those ubiquitous dating websites. I drift in and out of visiting them, wondering whether someone with whom I would want to ‘dance’ in partnership is there, who many be wondering if I’m there, open to meeting him. Two days earlier, I had received an email from a man who thought I was ‘fascinating’ and wanted to be in touch, so we began an email correspondence. We agreed to speak on the phone last night, so after a few back and forth messages, we did so. A meandering conversation ensued in which we shared a bit about our histories, life journeys, political ideologies, our take on religion/spirituality, family…. One thing I was taken by, as a part of me ‘observed’ the conversation, even while immersed in it, was how comfortable I was with just ‘being’ without attempting to impress, woo, seduce, dazzle, or otherwise win someone over, as I would have a few years ago. I had no investment in whether this man was the ‘One’. Although we spoke for more than an hour, since it seemed we both enjoyed the lively conversation and he told me I had given him alot to consider, I knew that it wasn’t going any further and that really was ok. A kind email from him this morning, reinforced that as he said that my instincts were correct and that “we were just too different.” There wasn’t a sense of ‘awwww’, but rather ‘ahhhhh'; since I learned a few things about myself and what I want.
1. I choose a partner for whom I need not ‘translate’ or explain my life; someone who has walked a similar journey.
2. I choose to be with someone with whom I share similar values and beliefs.
3. I allow for someone in my life, as my friend Jackie offered on a phone call yesterday, with whom I need not rescue, rehabilitate or rationalize. Believe me, I have done all three in relationship and it ain’t pretty.
4. Someone had asked me a few years ago if I wanted a male version of me. I laughed and said “Of course not. How egotistical would that be?” and then it occurred to me, that on some level I do. I welcome someone with enough in common that we mesh/merge our lives and with enough differences to make it interesting.
5. Last year, in the midst of a reading with a reputable psychic named Corbie Mitlied, she told me that my relationship “will be with your Muse.” and I wondered if that meant that the person with whom I would be in love, would also be a creative guide, or if the Muse itself would be my focus. I waver back and forth between those two inquiries, but lately, have come to think that it is the latter. There are times when I simply can’t wait to write, like the act of creation of ‘word paintings’ is an experience of love making and that Creativity itself is a lover who woos and seduces me.
6. I slurp all of the juice from the bottom of the glass. He had asked about whether I had space in my life for a relationship since I have so many activities in which I am engaged. I explained that my life is full and rich and the people in it are my treasures, and yes there was room for more. I asked if he had a favorite beverage and he said that it was water. If he was thirsty, would he drink it all or leave some at the bottom of the glass? He said he would drink it all. So it is with me, since I know that the glass will always refill. I need not hold back in anticipation that someone could show up today.
Last night’s call was another chapter in the book of my life and as I turn the page on this new day, I am eager to see what I will discover and as I let go of what I don’t want, I make room for what I do. I thank this man for helping me turn that page and perhaps the corner around which even more ‘me-racles’ await.
http://youtu.be/TtGY4G7II6s Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield