Saw this quote this morning from Dov Baron and it spoke to an experience I had yesterday that carries over into today.
“Alchemy: You are an alchemist when you can take that which cursed you and make it into the blessing you give. When you can take the lead that has weighed you down so deeply that you have felt like you would drown in your own history, and you turn it into the golden wings on which you not only fly but allow others to rise up and see above their own history, then you are in truth an alchemist.”
I experience alchemical mode every day. The blessing and curse for me is the almost unceasing mind that has me curiously exploring the random thoughts that move through. I have indulged in self examination and self torment. The default mode is usually ‘not enough, you need to do more, be more, shine more, succeed more.’ It isn’t about possessions or the ‘stuff’ of life. It is about the way I am seen by others that doesn’t always match how I view myself. I have two competing urges. One to be center stage, the other to refrain from being too visible, taking up too much time and space. I like to share the stage of life with others so that together we can shine. Some of the performers and speakers I most admire, seem to have mastered that art.
I had posted this on Facebook last night, both as a way of expressing hard won awareness and vulnerability and accepting healing.
“Major revelation on Day 3 of Grail Lady Faire. I had been feeling a need to be quiet and solo some of the day since there was so much to process from the previous 2 days. Mid morning, I fell and twisted my ankle. I offered it reiki and it felt fine. A few hours later, I began limping with sore tendons on the other side of my foot. More reiki, ice, lavendar oil, elevating and staying off of it. In …conversation with a new friend named Dawna, who is a PR person with whom I may work to promote my book and speaking, she commented on yesterday’s presentation. I had donned faeire wings and used a magic wand as a prop. She said, “You don’t need those things. You’re beyond that.” I began to cry as I said to her that I had never felt like I was enough myself, and wanted to add something memorable. I also realized that I am here, doing what I love and I go ahead and unconsciouly sabotage myself by hurting myself . Ok, foot…you can feel all better now. I got the message. Healing energy, please….whatever ya got. Thank you in advance for healing.”
It occurred to me this morning that another not so unconscious thought is that I won’t be able to support myself since I left a full time job to dive in headfirst into this work that I so love and that is what I was born to do. The moment that I fell, that’s what I was thinking. It was about lack and limitation, rather than abundance and that I ALWAYS have what I need, which is the spiritual and literal truth. Last night, around the fire, one of the women was sharing that very thing. If something is the truth, it is the truth all the time, despite appearances or what my monkey mind might think is real, I DO always have what I need for my highest learning and growth. My foot is feeling much better. I will still go slow and easy today. Karen Drucker
‘s powerful song, “I Will Be Gentle With Myself” might well be my theme song today with the line “I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go.”, ringing in my ears. ?
Yesterday afternoon, I went for a swim in the beautiful Chalice Lake. Initially, I had waded in only up to my knees, since the water felt a wee bit chilly. Hesitant, I told myself that I didn’t have to go any farther and meandered back to a comfy and beckoning lounge chair. Another new friend was there and we chatted for a bit and then she got up to go into the lake, diving off the dock. A few minutes later, seeing how much fun she and a few others were having, I limped over and dove in myself, “whoooo hoooing” as I my sun soaked body hit the cold water. It took just a few minutes to get acclimated and I actually found a few warm pockets. Paddling about with them felt good and my leg enjoyed the bouyancy as well. That felt like a fitting metaphor too for the process (or as my Canadian friends say it “pro-cess” (with a long ‘o’ sound:) of engaging in new experiences, sometimes dipping our big toes into the water of life, sometimes diving right in.
Day 4 awaits!