In two days, (11/26/11) I will honor the first anniversary of my mom’s passing. Thanksgiving 2010 marked the last time I heard my mother’s voice, but not the last time I told her I loved her and would into forever. She was in the care of hospice since May of last year and the roller coaster ride we took had us both buckling our seat-belts in anticipation. Believe it or not, there were times when we could have had our hands raised in the year, laughing with abandon, shrieking at the top of our lungs….wheeeee! The last 6 months of her earthly incarnation, was a journey of juxtaposition: joy and sorrow, profound spiritual exploration for both of us, facing our fears…hers of dying, mine of being without (in body) the woman who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet. She had modeled that experience when her own mother died when she was 38, I was 4 and my sister was 2. I am grateful that I had my mother into my 50’s. What I recall was that even though she deeply grieved, she kept on keepin’ on. I never saw her ‘fall apart’ in the midst of her loss. Since I am the proverbial apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree. I too have maintained the ‘broad shoulders’ that my mother always claimed to have and took care of business in the year following her death, which included officiating at her funeral, handling her estate, selling her condo and car, paying her final bills, moving her furniture, donating some of her belongings; sorting through and figuring out what to keep and what to release. These tasks on top of my day job and my other consulting positions and publishing my book….whew, I feel tired just thinking about it. So much of my time goes into thinking that I can’t ever do enough…always lacking in some way. When I consider what I have accomplished, I suppose I can let myself off the hook.
I was looking at photos the other day, smiling and crying; again the polarities. Reminiscing over them, bringing to mind and heart the experiences I shared with my parents and marveled at how blessed I am to have chosen them to raise me. On some level, I do believe in soul contracts and I clearly had one with them. I learned so much about being myself fully. I acknowledge the gift of the love they showered on me. I still have not cried as much as I had anticipated. Perhaps it is because I feel them so present in my day to day, or that the messages I receive are loud and clear; sometimes coming directly to me and other times, via a reliable person who is able to channel the information for me. In each one, the feeling of total, unconditional love comes through. A few months after her death, I received an eagerly anticipated gift; a purple and white gingham and floral design bear that I dubbed ‘Mama-Cakes’, since it was a nickname I countered with when she called me ‘Baby-Cakes’. It was lovingly sewn by hospice volunteers from pieces of her nightgowns. It is sitting here in my room, almost winking at me, or so says my oh so vivid imagination; reminding me that I made it through, intact in the first ride round the sun. Not sure what it would take for me to have a good cry over her death. I laugh and cry when either emotional state arises, just holding space for myself or asking friends to be present with me as I am going through the experience.
And so tomorrow night, I will light a white, glass enclosed candle, and leave it lit until it extinguishes itself, offer up a prayer known as Kaddish, which in Hebrew means ‘sanctification’ and makes no mention of the word death, but instead acknowledges that events are in Divine Order and Spirit is running the show. I will remember with infinite love and gratitude a woman who raised me to be able to live without her.
“Glorified and sanctified be God’s great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.
May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity.
Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.
May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us
and for all Israel; and say, Amen.
He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.”
| Mourner’s Kaddish in Phonetic Hebrew: |
b’al-ma di-v’ra chi-ru-tei, v’yam-lich mal-chu-tei
b’chai-yei-chon uv’yo-mei-chon
uv’chai-yei d’chol-beit Yis-ra-eil,
ba-a-ga-la u-viz-man ka-riv,
v’im’ru: A-mein.
Y’hei sh’mei ra-ba m’va-rach
l’a-lam ul’al-mei al-ma-ya.
Yit-ba-rach v’yish-ta-bach,
v’yit-pa-ar v’yit-ro-mam v’yit-na-sei,
v’yit-ha-dar v’yit-a-leh v’yit-ha-lal, sh’mei d’ku-d’sha, b’rich hu,
l’ei-la min kol bir-cha-ta v’shi-ra-ta,
tush-b’cha-ta v’ne-che-ma-ta, da-a-mi-ran b’al-ma,
v’im’ru: A-mein.
Y’hei sh’la-ma ra-ba min sh’ma-ya,
v’cha-yim, a-lei-nu v’al kol-Yis-ra-eil,
v’im’ru: A-mein.
O-seh sha-lom bim-ro-mav,
hu ya-a-seh sha-lom a-lei-nu v’al kol-Yis-ra-eil,
v’im’ru: A-mein.
As we were planning her funeral, I asked her if there was any particular music she wanted played. “Yes, I want that song.” “What song do you mean, Mom?” “You know, the one you played for Uncle Jimmy (her brother) and Daddy.” This is the song she was referring to.
Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile by Warren Zevon
Shadows are falling and I’m running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn’t mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile
There’s a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you’re doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you’ll think of me and smile
You know I’m tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver’s headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile
These wheels keep turning but they’re running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Keep me in your heart for awhile
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