Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Is It a Relapse?

posted by Beyond Blue

pink hibiscus2.jpg
I thought I would republish this piece from July, 2007 in case you happen to be relapsing right now.
***

My very savvy editor constantly reminds me to write from where I am.

Today that place is scary. I’m at the edge of the Black Hole, and the power of its suction has me crouched down in fear, shielding myself, as if that will make it go away.

After a week of severe anxiety, my breath getting shallower with each day as I clutch my St. Therese medal, I’ve exploded into tears that won’t stop. Not at the gym, or David’s soccer camp, or in the library, or with a pile of laundry. I’m once again blowing my nose with my t-shirt because I run out of Kleenex within an hour.

I somehow feel cheated–as if I’m supposed to be immune from the blow of depression and anxiety now that I do so much research on it for Beyond Blue, now that I write inspirational ditties to help people get over theirs. The fact that I study neurobiology–that I know that the amygdala, or the brain’s fear system, is hosting a massive keg party inside my head right now–should, somehow, protect me from the shortness of breath, and the loss of appetite (there’s a BIG problem if sweets don’t make me happy), an inability to sleep, feelings of tremendous guilt (for hiring a babysitter to watch the kids for a few hours so that I can work), a lack of confidence about absolutely everything (and especially motherhood, marriage, and writing), and the inability to make any decision (like which salad dressing to buy).

But no. Damn it. I can practice my 12 steps perfectly. I can eat organic fruits and veggies for lunch, free range chicken for dinner, run six miles a day, swallow a dozen vitamins (including the supplements of Omega-3 that get shipped to our house by the boxload), check in with my psychiatrist, practice cognitive behavioral techniques, go to counseling, call my supportive friends–and still get sick.

That’s what I am right now. Sick. As loudly as my inner demons are trying to convince my brain that I’m weak and that I’m pathetic, I am trying to yell even louder that I have a brain disease, an illness called bipolar disorder, and it is going to act up at times, just as a diabetic has surges and drops of insulin.

What’s different this time from past bouts with this beast is that today I have hope, and I know this place is only temporary.

Yesterday at the pool, I stared into a daze as Katherine played in the baby pool.

“What’s the matter?” one my friends asked me. “You’re looking into space.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I replied. “I just have some things on my mind.”

I watched Katherine some more. I looked at her chunky legs, and her three-year-old belly (she takes after me), and her camouflage swimsuit with hot pink hibiscuses all over. Which was symbolically appropriate to relapse and how you feel when you’re in one.

Right now I’m wearing camouflage–an ugly pattern of green and brown that wants only to blend in. But my faith and my history of recovery insure me that I will get to the garden of hot-pink hibiscuses soon enough. The flowers are in there with the camouflage. Even though I can’t smell them today.

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lisa meter

posted July 11, 2007 at 4:56 pm


Loved your article and thank you very much for being so honest. What struck me was your comment on esteem… you don’t have positive thoughts about your writing and you are a writer. Wow… you are me or maybe I’m you… my first was, you wouldn’t want to be me…
I have not one spark of confidence living within me especially about my job that I’ve worked for 20 years. Every year I want to quit because I know I’m not smart and someone is bound to find out. I’m consistently comparing myself to others around me and cannot get the negative thoughts out of my head.
I believe in God and I still feel this way. Isn’t He supposed to make everything better?
Thank you again for sharing your situation.
Lisa



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Larry Parker

posted July 11, 2007 at 4:58 pm


I had no idea when you were kind enough to acknowledge my expression of pain the other day that you were yourself writing from such a place of pain.
You know what’s going on; you wrote as much. But your readers (this one anyway) would still like to say we are thinking about you and pulling for you.



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Babs

posted July 11, 2007 at 5:43 pm


You are loved by your readers and are helping so many of them. I know how quickly the sun can become hidden behind the monstrous black clouds. When you have been doing okay, it knocks the props out when you find yourself staring into the abyss. But you are in a better place than you were last year, and the years before that. Our brains can be such liars, telling us that we are fakes, failures, and incompetents. The further I’ve moved along, the better I’ve been able to tell myself, “okay, you are not the greatest, but you aren’t slime, either.” That is a lot of progress from feeling like human garbage.
St. Theresa is rooting for you (“Go Therese, Go!!!!) and so am I. Stay close to the people who love you, and believe what they say. I know that that is easier said than done, but when you turn the next corner, you will again know yourself and your worthiness as well as your friends and family do now.
Therese, you amaze me. When I feel really bad, I could not dream of writing. Try to keep the keyboard dry :-}
Love and prayers.
BB



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Linda

posted July 11, 2007 at 8:00 pm


Damn Therese, that first step is always a killer, isn’t it?
Hang in there girl. As Larry said, we’re thinking about you and pulling for you. And don’t ever doubt, for even a minute, that your family needs and loves you.



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Andrew

posted July 11, 2007 at 8:33 pm


Take care Therese. Remember, tough times don’t last, but touch people do. God Bless.



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Sandy

posted July 11, 2007 at 9:05 pm


I hear you, Therese. You WILL get better. Praying for you and thinking of you and holding you in my heart. And you know that God is holding you in the palms of God’s hands.



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Amy

posted July 11, 2007 at 9:17 pm


Therese -
I’ve only been reading your blog for about a month, but I can tell you that you are a wonderful writer, writing about an issue that is so very important. I am also bipolar, and I have learned so much from reading your daily postings, and have drawn so much inspiration from you. Be strong – I’m willing to bet there are hundreds if not thousands of your fans out here sending you thoughts of courage and strength.



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Kate Sinkins

posted July 11, 2007 at 10:00 pm


Therese,
I really felt for you after reading today’s post. I have been there and it sucks. It is a scary place, especially when the clouds are so dark you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s when you pick up the phone and call your friends. Any one of us can tell you in our own way how much you mean to us and how full your plate is. It is hard to be a writer, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a neighbor and a human being. It takes energy and sometimes depression makes that hard to find. Your kids will survive the babysitter so keep using her and remember you can’t give away something you don’t have. Work on making yourself happy and it will be easier to be happy around your kids. And it is okay to not be happy. That’s real life. Just know you don’t have to be sad and all alone. I love you and know God does too. Dig deep into your faith-you have always been carried before. Why wouldn’t you be carried this time? I am sending you a hug right now and will gladly listen if you need an ear.
Love, Kate



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Jennifer

posted July 11, 2007 at 10:30 pm


I’m sorry you feel that scary, dark place knocking on your door. Hold on to that string- the one that leads you out of the camouflage, back to the flowers.



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mollygirl

posted July 12, 2007 at 2:02 am


Hi,
I just found this blog and Therese you are a real blessing. Your post today sounds just like my journal entry from yesterday. It was a really rough day and I felt like a failure at everything. I was really encouraged to read what you wrote because I didn’t know others had these exact same thoughts during depressed times! Writing helps me tremendously and I find I write more when things are really bad for me than when I’m feeling really good. So thanks for your honesty and know that you have really helped so many—and I am truly grateful I am one of those. I know I will be visiting this site often.
Mollygirl



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Peg

posted July 12, 2007 at 2:29 am


Therese, my heart goes out to you during this phase (Recovery says it is phasic, not basic, as I recall). St. Teresa of Avila (also known as “big Teresa” as opposed to the Little Flower) says all things are passing. Maybe you need a change in your meds is one possible reason. Thanks for your honesty and also being there for us. Love and prayers, Peg



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Marcia

posted July 12, 2007 at 3:11 am


I feel that way too. When you explained the way you feel about yourself in your job that is exactly how I feel about myself in my job too. I feel like I am hiding that fact that I know nothing and someone will find out eventually. I can’t make decisions either. Never been diagnosed as bipolar just depressed and hate myself most days.



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Diana

posted July 12, 2007 at 3:29 pm


After I had a nervous breakdown 10 years ago and was diagnosed as bipolar, my life has not been the same. Whether it’s the medications making me dull, I have felt “stuck” for all this time. No motivation. I look for the easy ways out of everything so I don’t suffer any stress. I can’t seem to hold a job as the anxiety gets too bad and I get a trapped feeling. Like you said, I have used all avenues for support but my life is so pathetic. How long can one stay stuck? What has happened to my brain? Thanks for sharing. There are alot of us out there.



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Julie

posted July 12, 2007 at 3:43 pm


I applaud your candor and that you do take ownership over your health. I know it isn’t easy and that there are times when life is a struggle even though things seem to be organized in a row. Please take heart that the bad times will turn into the good. I have read so many stories where people with bipolar are so out of control. I love a man who will not take ownership over his bipolar health and I’ve seen him during his dark downs and too bright highs. Sadly, he no longer wants me around but I am still an advocate for bipolar because everyone needs to understand it. Just remember you are awesome and you can return to that comfortable place that is neither too high nor too low. I am proud of you and so are others! I hope this gives you some cheer!



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Ness

posted July 12, 2007 at 3:44 pm


I have been reading you on and off for about a month. Just wanted to send you a cyberhug and let you know you’re in my prayers. I am on the almost other side of one of these “blindsights” as I call them because they hit me upside the head when I don’t see a reason for me to feel depressed/hopeless/withdrawn/fill in the blank. I have been on Prozac for 10 years because of reactive depression/panic disorder/OCD and within the last 6 months the Dr. upped it from 40 to 60 per day because I was losing patience with nearly everyone in my life. I, too, wonder if my med needs to be changed or if I also have bipolar disorder. Will be taking this up with my doc at my August apt. I admire your writing skills and the ability to “tell it like it is.” So glad I found your site! Take care.



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Debbie

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:09 pm


Therese,
And this is why we love to open up our e-mails and find you there. You are honest about how you are feeling and honest with us that you are not a woman who wears a cape made of “happy, happy” and calls herself “SUPER-THERESE.” You are a real person just like us. Keep writing, keep writing… it’s what I do and you inspire me with Beyond Blue. Trust me girlie, those pink little hibiscus’ will blossom soon and through the camouflage your light will shine. Your light never stops shining, it just gets attacked and starts to flicker like some old disco flick. And that is why we wear camouflage to hide from that attack, right?
Thank you. Keep faithful. And remember your honesty is a light for many, many people who are there for you too!
Debbie



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Nancy

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:25 pm


Therese,
Just hang in there girl it can easily change within a few days.
3rd of July I was right were you are.
I realized that some times God has us go through “reminders” of where we have been so we continue to appreciate where he has taken us.
We all love you and sending prayers for you.
Nan



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Rev. Tracie Voss

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:27 pm


Dear, beautiful, brave Theresa…
I’ve been following your blog since it first appeared on Belief net, as I have been suffering from Bi-Polar disorder for a long time. Even though I can’t say I always agree with every single thing (that’s unrealistic) I can frequently empathize with your feelings and the unpredictable, uncontrollable roller-coaster that is bi-polar disorder.
Today’s episode describes one of what I call “bad brain days,” and your description is spot-on for what it feels like for me sometimes.
Thank you especially for this part: “But no. Damn it. I can practice my 12 steps perfectly. I can eat organic fruits and veggies for lunch, free range chicken for dinner, run six miles a day, swallow a dozen vitamins (including the supplements of Omega-3 that get shipped to our house by the boxload), check in with my psychiatrist, practice cognitive behavioral techniques, go to counseling, call my supportive friends–and still get sick.”
When I read this, all I could say was “Thank you, God, somebody else GETS IT!” The frustration that comes from “doing everything right” and still seeing everything go completely wrong is something that happens all too frequently… and everyone who has ever cared about you stands around shaking their heads and saying, “But you were doing so well.”
Thank you for having the courage to write this blog every day. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. Yours is a light in the darkness, and a reminder that we are not alone.

Bless you.



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Beatrice Ramos

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:32 pm


hi i wow this article was just for me here i am at work . just crying i dont know what is wrong. i’m just in a big depretion cloud i’m fat sloppy . i miss my ex i’m striggling in life im a single parent it feels like the whole world is going to fall apart on me. i need help i cannot continue to feel like this because i have a 7 year old wonderful little guy that needs me HELP



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judy

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:44 pm


i know how you fill whin my sun was 13 he tried to hang himself and i stoped him and i wonder as the years went by and thay told me he was bypoler that my depression and axcidy is the cose of it but one day he is just as happy as can be and the nwxt he is sad as the years go bie he is a adult now and fites the daly battle of being biepoler and he was convesed the meds is what is cosing it but now he is getting his life back. being bypoler can be as bad as you let it be with the right meds and cansling you can get you life in order my depreson and axcity is bad at time but i take it one day at a time and stay on your meds and things will be ok



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Elaine

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:44 pm


When I read what you wrote, tears nearly welled up in my eyes. I know exactly where you’re coming from and what you’re feeling in that that dark, scary, free-falling place, where one feels loss of self-esteem, deep emptiness, anxiety, despair and hopelessness. A few weeks ago when I suddenly found myself uncontrolably weeping for no specific reason, I called my best friend (who coincidentally happens to be a mental health professional). I told him what I was experiencing, he calmly and soothingly explained that (1) it was NOT my fault, it was a chemical imbalance, (2) not to ashamed or embarrassed (which I was at the time), I’m not the only one who suffers from this type of depression, that there is help, there is hope, and reminded me again it is NOT my fault, it’s a chemical imbalance. My friend stayed with me on the phone for a long while, speaking calmly and soothingly. He was supportive and put a name to what was happening to me (I had no idea or clue what was happening or why), and gently reminded me to take a Xanax which (with my friend’s help) began lifting me up out of that abyss and returning me to a better place. (I have an Rx for Xanax, but had completely forgotten and hadn’t even occurred to me – !! – because I was so messed up and not thinking straight.) Thank goodness for the good fast-acting meds out there for those of us that need it in a crisis. Thank God there is God, hope, Xanax, and a good and treasured friend in my life. Also, may God bless you for your openness, courage, and sharing and may your mind, body and soul be as uplifted as you have uplifted those of us with the same challenges.



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Lindsey

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:44 pm


Therese,
This article is beautifully raw. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty. I feel so ashamed sometimes to have this illness that I forget that it is just that- an illness. It is a part of my body that is teaching me things about life, and helps me to appreciate the times when smiling, breathing, and opening my eyes are so much easier. Your writing so candidly about the struggles, the triumphs, and the moments when the light you survive off of just isn’t there has helped me to cope with my depression.
Stay strong and you will find your hibiscus.



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Anonymous

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:47 pm


I think one of the biggest things that has helped me is NOT to reflect upon how negative I talk to myself at times but to reflect all a list of positives about myself when I am at that point. Also, one of my friend encouraged me to keep a thankful journal for me to write each day abput what I am thankful for. If you constantly write down in a journal all the negatives and pain it will be very hard to change your outlook. It goes along with constantly complaining about something or someone-you keep doing it so you ingrain that thought into your brain. You need to pick one or two people you trust in to unload to then just refelect on all of your positives and things to be thankful for. It could be as simple is the blue sky today. I think of 10 different things. Plus, stop owning the disease diagnosis-telling people you have depression or bipolar. God gives us all different struggles in life, and we as christians are to help each other. Reflect in gods truth every time you have a negative thought-Give me pure holy and true thoughts-do this every time. Plus, making yourself busy helps on those days when it can be very hard. Give yourself a few things to do and mark them off during the day when you do it. Ask God to give you the strength you need to get done what you need to in your day. Also, ask God specifically for what you need-spend time talking to him. I can do everything through God who gives me strength.



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Crissy

posted July 12, 2007 at 4:56 pm


Theresea,
I’ve been wondering lately why I am receiving these blogs about depression and various mental illnesses.
You know they say things happen for a reason. Well,
the last few days have been “down in the dumps”. I have depression and anxiety. I too get so impatient, I feel like I am watching the clock tick by and all these things I have to do . . .but . . .I’m frozen. Oh, sweet lady, hand in there – I can say I know how you feel. Your strength came through in your writing. A strength that read very strong . . .take that as the light for yourself. If we behind our keyboards can read it in you, then you are strong. But we must allow ourselves these weak moments … so as I tell you to allow yourself these moments . . .I am also telling myself.
See Theresa, as everyone has said before me on this blog. . you are helping others. When your star shines bright you give your strengthy, when your star just flicks, we feel for you, see ourselves, and know we are not along. Hugs
Crissy



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noel

posted July 12, 2007 at 5:12 pm


therese,
i have been following your blog for several months now and have often said to myself, “i’ve got to meet this lady…we need to chat!” The similarities are uncanny (and frankly comforting!) as i, too, am the mother of young children (two girls, almost 3 and 5 1/2), am a card-carrying catholic, i love to write, i live in your neighboring baltimore and, last but certainly not least, i am prone to what winston churchill often called “the black dog” or depression. when you wrote of standing at the edge of your black hole…it spoke to me, as i know what a very slippery slope this illness tends to have. and the awful fear that arises when recognizing that your “black dog” has started to circle. it’s enough to send any person running for the hills…especially one who has already been to the amusement park and experienced the FUN! FUN! rollercoaster ride of relapse and recovery.
i do love to follow your very clever and funny interpretations of how people, like us, struggle just to make it through our daily lives with “the black dog on our backs.” i would like you to know that there have been numerous times you have made me laugh and smile when i really wanted to cry…which, is refreshing and has given me strength. the laughing bit is the most important part! and for that i thank you! so, hang in there, therese, and remember that the camouflage is just a temporary facade and YOU, in all reality, ARE those beautiful hibiscus flowers peaking their heads through, despite the dark cover.
so, whether it’s a black dog, a black hole or dark camoflauge descending upon us…try your best to stay connected to the bright and invaluable sunshine YOU are underneath…which can’t help but produce lovely flowers or gifts for your family, friends and readers.
noel



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Nichole

posted July 12, 2007 at 5:13 pm


I just came across this site an email was sent to my work address so I opened and starting reading it because the title was “Is It a Depression Relapse?” and that just clicked in my mind! I have not been diagnosed with anything but know that I suffer from depression and right now in my life it’s severe. I’m going through so much all at once and it’s very hard to handle. I feel extreme anxiety from being alone and scared! I’m separated from my husband and I just got an apartment of my own! Living by myself is an extremely hard adjustment on top of going through with the separation and most likely divorse, and also I just started a new job four months ago and there has been problems since day one. They are VERY demanding and VERY particular about everything so it’s a big adjustment for me as well. I got spoke to yesterday because of something that went wrong that wasn’t my fault AT ALL and it escalated into this huge whole departmet bash on me! I’m very insecure with EVERYTHING these days, my weight, my personality, my ability to do this job, if I will ever met the right guy on and on! So Thank you Therese for sharing your feeling and make me realize I am not the only one who feels like this! Nichole LeBlanc



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Richard McKusic, Sr

posted July 12, 2007 at 5:34 pm


Haven’t read any of the other comments, Therese, just know I have stopped right now and am praying for you. May God surround you with His arms of love and peace; protecting you from any onslaught of negativity. Also, May he give your husband an extra amount of compassion and patience . Love, respect and prayers



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pamphyila

posted July 12, 2007 at 5:39 pm


There is a great book I have been reading THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU – by Cheri Huber -
We spend a lot of time running around trying to fulfil all sorts of demands from voices in our heads – Have you stopped to think that maybe some of your whirl is unnecessary or unhealthy for you? – Many of us have had to re-think the way we live our lives. And, I must say, yours sounds extremely stressful!
Modern life makes demands on us the human machine – but we are far from mechanistic! This is the first blog of yours that I could connect with because of its honesty – the others I found too candy-coated and little mary sunshine to be of any help to me…Your good-catholicschoo girl perfectionism is something to look at. I was an A student, too – but life is a whole different matter. Best of luck…



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Anne

posted July 12, 2007 at 5:53 pm


Thank you! For defining what I’ve felt for years. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.



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John

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:07 pm


Are you in AA ?
You need to focus more on helping yourself at times like this.
Get to some AA meetings. Ask for help from others. God works through people he will put in your life if you seek them out.
When I was working as a counselor at a treatment center a few years ago, we placed some of our patients on “helping black-outs” from time to time.
They were allowed only to ask for help and not offer it.
I once had a poster in my office depicting a person in a row boat out in the middle of a lake, with the oars out of the water , his hands together, looking up at the stars.
The caption under the pisture read: “Pray to God, but keep rowing.”



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Mary

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:13 pm


I want to shake my fist at the heavens. Its unthinkable, its unbearable, its infuriating to me that you must have this kind of pain now. You don’t deserve it. No one deserves this kind of pain.
I have no words of wisdom. In fact there are no words…only that I am so sorry you are going through this.
But there is love. And I am sending you love along with everyone else here. I am sending you my prayers.
From a distant place out here in cyberspace I am standing with you through this. And I will for as long as it last and then some.
I will storm heaven with prayers and also ask for some peace for your sprit right now.
with love to you my sister,
Mary



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Tracy

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:14 pm


therese,
i understand how you feel. i wanted to know though..how to stay focused on the positive and the word..because i try to fight those demons that tell me to give up..its like i wear a smile on my face but on the inside im slowly fading..i cry no stop when im alone…i have that pressure in my throat that wont let tears come streaming out at work..sometimes its hard to put my feelings aside or what im going through aside to help others..it seems like i help others so much that i have lost who i am and what i mean to myself..how do you deal with these emotions??



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Jenna

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:30 pm


I found relief through a book entitled, “The Edge Effect” by Dr. Eric Braverman. Wondered if you are aware of him and his work related to the human brain? I took the Braverman Nature Assessment test in his book and learned what my dominant nature is and what my defiencies are that need immediate attention. It is a great book written in easy to read and understand terminology. I am very grateful for his book and what it has taught me about my brain, its function, its chemicals, and how my lifestyle, thought patterns, food, vitamins, etc., all tie to one another. It also taught me how easy it is to lose my edge; and, when it is time to see a doctor to work with me to regain my edge. I believe in the Holistic approach, mind, body, and spirit, and so does Dr. Braverman.



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Pamylla

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:33 pm


I think most of us subscribe to this newsletter because we’ve been there too. We know the depths of black despair…yet there is the other side where things get better again. Hang on and ride through the murky storm – you can do it! The fact that you are able to write and motivate so many people with your candid and inspirational articles is proof that you’ve been through it and WILL DO IT again. :)



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Brenda

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:35 pm


Sweet Therese! you are my inspiration, you really do know how people feel with this disease. Many write about it, never feeling the true pain. I’m staying away from black hole w/lexapro. The world isn’t what she use to be!! Get well with God’s speed. You helped me get well so back at ya. Kind Thoughts, Brenda



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barbara

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:53 pm


hi every one i read all of every body’s needs and hang ups as some would call them i have been fighting something for year’s it might be depression i never went to the doctor to see. i lost a 19year old son in 2005 and i havent been the same i believe god will heal all hurts as we trust him he is real i’am waiting on god he will come right on time. i can relate to every thing has been said my advice is to trust in that higher power he will help us to make it.love barbara



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sharon

posted July 12, 2007 at 6:56 pm


therese,
i am a big fan of your blog. i too suffer from depression…depression which seems at time to be crippling me. i too am having a very bad spell of it now. thank you for being so honest. i remember reading that when you feel like you have reached the end of your rope, make a knot in it and just hang on. things are bound to get better for us both…i will keep you in my prayers.



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Deanne

posted July 12, 2007 at 7:16 pm


Dear Theresa…Thank you for the insite you have given me about this condition. My friend has all of the symptoms you descibe and is the only one unaware of it, which is causing her to lose fiends and family. Until I read all these messages I had no idea how painful this must be for her. I am sorry you have to go through such sad times in order for others to be helped, but in this case, that is exactly what is happening. I think we all believe our feeling are unique until we read about others going through the same thing. I will continue to read your messages and pray God will give you peace in the fact that you are not alone and others are benefitting by your honest assessment of what is happening. I wish I knew how to approach my friend. Does anyone have a suggestion?
Thank you Theresa



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Nancy Kiss

posted July 12, 2007 at 7:56 pm


We are sometimes strongest at our weakest moments. We feel like giving up, but we don’t; we’re in the dark, yet look for light; we want to retreat, but we find ways to keep moving forward.
We feel like we are working against all odds – we have so much amazing perseverence, yet don’t give ourselves credit. Our feelings go deep, we feel it all – good, bad, or otherwise. We touch it all, but don’t have to embrace it and make it our identity. Stay with the love, the “good for you people”, and the small voice that tells us we are good.
Love to all, Nancy



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Kathye

posted July 12, 2007 at 8:52 pm


Well, Therese – I have been reading you for about 8 months now, and I must say you are one of the most encouraging people I’ve ever “met”. I heard in an AA meeting one time, “when you’re walking through hell, KEEP WALKING!”. Not an easy thing to do, but worth the walk.
I started going to AA about 4 years ago for several reasons, but the main one is that 12-step programs work. Ya don’t just wake up one day and say, “hey, all cured” and graduate with a pretty little diploma that proclaims HEALED. The old-timers I know say they’re not sure which or what part of their programs keep them sober/sane, just that they attend meetings, sponsor people, and do service work. You are managing to do all three with your newsletters and comments from your readers. You speak candidly of how depression actually FEELS, not just what people think when they hear the word. Even “normal” people have bad times – those of us in recovery know this in our brains but then that crucial ingredient administered by the amygdala either over-does it or quits on us and we relapse. Depression, drinking, sex, over-eating, over-spending: it comes from the same thing: fear. Afraid to fail. Afraid to succeed. Afraid to screw our kids up by parenting. Afraid to get screwed up by parenting. Afraid our kids will turn out okay and “they” (other people) will say, “it’s a miracle they survived THOSE parents”. Afraid of being unattractive. Afraid of being TOO attractive. Fear is absolutely a bastard, but it’s there anyway.
There is only one thing I can offer you and my peers here: Fear has only one opponent: Faith. Can’t have both. Keep the faith, girl. You’re doing so much for all of us – meeting, sponsoring, and serving. Thank you for the chance to do something for YOU. You deserve it.



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Leslie

posted July 12, 2007 at 8:58 pm


I just started reading your blogs recently. And I have to say I love them. I feel like Im reading my journal or something. It’s nice to see a beautiful, smart & sucessful women who is also bipolar, depressed & has the same “issues” as I have. It gives me hope that I can make it through. Im going through a hard time right now & just got some more bad news today. I know exactly how you feel about the anxiety & not being able to breath. That is me right now. But it will get better. And we have to hang on to that hope. I just wanted to thank you so very much for this blog. It has really helped me this past couple months! It means a lot—Leslie



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Pam

posted July 12, 2007 at 9:02 pm


Hi everyone.
I think those of us that read this are kinda in the same boat. I lost my job and my fiance due to my depression…..and of course it only got worse. I could understand why people committ suicide. My entire world fell out from under my feet. I am trying so hard to put my life back together but I cry….everyday….everynight….I look terrible, my eyes are all swollen. I just want to be happy. I have had a hard life….I raised great kids….myself…after my husband committed suicide….20 yrs ago….am I still not over it? I only want to be happy …. and not alone….. I am soooo sad.
pam



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lacy chambers

posted July 12, 2007 at 9:33 pm


I really can relate to your article. Mine has been a long battle since the age of 13 and I am 23 now. Because of my career I have been able to realize all that I have been through in my life and that I do have a major issue with depression and anxiety. I am married and have two amazing boys. I just cant get motivated to get up and do anything. I do not have friends that are supportive or encouraging to me they are more like lets call Lace if we need her to do a favor. It’s hard for me to tell someone no because I am a perfectionist and all I want to do is please others which means I never have time for me. I dont really know what to do from day to day.



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Pam

posted July 12, 2007 at 9:42 pm


had to go off my prozac about a month ago after ten and a half years and started using welbutran. the dose is too low and i know where your at. i haven’t felt this bad in more years than i can remember. my kids are having trouble understanding and they are adults. God Bless you and keep you.



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Devar

posted July 12, 2007 at 9:48 pm


I’m wondering if you have investigated being gluten intolerance? After I found out that I am gluten intolerant, and began a gluten-free diet, my emotional state became amazingly more stable and consistently positive. I still benefit greatly from all the self-help work too, but I have proved to myself a number of times, when I have fallen back into eating gluten or soy (those two intolerances often occur together), what a key negative impact those foods have on me.



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SuzanneWA

posted July 12, 2007 at 9:55 pm


Oh Dear Therese – I feel sooo sorry for you now. You – the bright, beautiful star that writes encouragement and laughter for those of us out here – should NOT have to suffer the “relapse” of depression. However, being bipolar myself, I, too, know the fear of being in the “black hole,” and having the “black dog” nip at my heels…but – you know, as do the rest of us – that you WILL climb OUT of that hole and be “whole” again – SOON!! The dark times don’t last – it just FEELS that way. When you emerge, you’ll look back like the new mother, who endured the pain of childbirth, only to look in her newborn’s eyes and KNOW it was ALL worth it, and FORGETS the pain that brought it to it. You have been such an INSPIRATION to me; I read your emails with elation, because YOU have taken the time to respond to ME.
Right now, I’m “maintaining;” not too high, not too low – just right. The “fear” of either extreme is always not too far away – but I put it behind me, and go on, saying “Get thee behind me, Satan,” and believe it or not – it WORKS!!
So – grab your Kleenex and have yourself a good cry. It is cathartic to weep – even for NO reason. So what if you pick the wrong salad dressing – your family knows you and understands. Your kids will NOT grow up “warped.” When it’s like this – you persevere, grab your St. Theresa medal, and wait it out. The hibiscus in the camouflage will bloom again.
With much love and a GIANT hug, I remain, your cyberfriend, Suzanne



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sharon, Il

posted July 12, 2007 at 10:57 pm


Hello, Therese,
I, too, suffer from some of your symptoms. 1994 brought me into a new kind of life after having a breakdown. Taking more medications than I care to take, seeing a counselor & psychatrist routinely, and hoping other people who don’t understand, won’t find out.
I have a supportive husband or I wouldn’t be here.
I know how it feels to have the tears come when least expected, the sad, heavy feeling that seems to come quickly & last too long.
I told my counselor I didn’t like the sad eyes I see looking back at me in the mirror. But she said I had a beautiful smile.
And I think you probably do too.
We hear people say, “Get over it, “cheer up”, “get out” & “do something”.
Only we can know these don’t work.
I will say a prayer for you daily. That helps me get thru the day.
I finally am able to read for fun, play computer games, volunteer. Back when I was very depressed I could only stay at home, cry, & wonder how & why this happend to me.
It has taken many months of patience, practicing postive thinking, that the awful things I think are going to happen, don’t.
I, too, used to write poetry about the ship sailing off leaving me stranded, the black hole engulfing me.
Now I try to find things that make me feel a little better like a yellow butterfly, music, poetry, a good movie.
And it doesn’t hurt to cry. As one of your previous bloggers wrote, crying is good for us. It is healing & stress releasing.
Talking to friends that understand helps, too. Not all of the time, but sometimes.
Hang in there. I am better. Not where I’d like to be but better. I don’t have to smile if I don’t feel like it, or feel the need to reach out to help someone. Only I need the help now & it took me a long time not to feel guilty about that.
Take one day at a time & one step at a time.
Sincerely, Sharon



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Janine Guida Poutre

posted July 12, 2007 at 10:57 pm


Therese, you are in my prayers and I am pulling for you. You have helped me so very much over the months of difficulty in my life and I know you can get through this. You will, this is a dark spot only, and that means that it will dull and fade, maybe never disappear completely, but you will shine through again. Stronger. Thanks for your honesty and the hope you give to others. Janine



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Karen McGinnis

posted July 12, 2007 at 11:01 pm


wow, I thought it was only in AA that other people told my thoughts of the day!!! Thank you for reminding me that this too shall pass. After dealing with a severe medical problem (one open heart surgery with 2nd one pending) for over a year, the passing does not seem to be happening fast enough for me and I too keep lapsing back into the “not good enough” feelings. This roller coaster ride must either stop or at least slow down enough so that I can get off. The good news is I am not alone…. and it never ceases to amaze me where my inspirations may come from. I too will hold you in the “Light” and send positive energies your way. Thank you for being my inspiration for today!



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Liti

posted July 12, 2007 at 11:02 pm


Dearest Therese,
I’ve been reading your blog for months and love it.You are truly funny!
I know you are having a hard time feeling that now.I too like being Catholic.Of course I hate feeling depressed,which I have endured on and off for 30 years.I pray for you and have faith you will feel better.I will pray to St.Dymphna,patron of “nervous disorders” for your swift recovery.
Blessings,Liti



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H. Flank

posted July 12, 2007 at 11:02 pm


This was truthful and so brave…I’m feeling the same way right now.
When you make reference to your 12 steps, what are you referring to?
feel good!



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Jackie Coviello

posted July 12, 2007 at 11:07 pm


Hello,
I suffer severe depression, I just can’t stand it any more.
My Dr. has tried very hard to find a combination of
of pills for me.
We thought this last time he did it would work.
It seemed to for about 4 months, then bang right down
I go. I have sufford this depression for way to long.
I get scared it will never go away.
I want more than anything to be happy, to get excited over things.
It ruins every relationship I try to have.
I cry & cry all the time, at anything at all.
My children won’t even talk to me about anything, they know
I will cry uncontrolably.
I want this ugly nasty demon to leave me.
Where does it come from & why does it seem to permently
stay inside and torture me?
Jackie



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Sylvia

posted July 12, 2007 at 11:34 pm


Hi there,
This is the first time I’ve read this–and the title caught me. I tried to read through the comments, but there were to many to hold my attention. That is a big characteristic of my depression. I seem to be lost within it–and some of the best of me has slipped into that black hole and I am struggling to get it back.
The thing that touched me here, and almost made me feel a bit jealous, is that you have been given a forum to describe and discuss these things that I generally have to keep unnamed. I disagree with the idea of not mentioning the negative and focusing on the positive. I think focusing on what is honest is what is best. Society doesn’t want to hear these truths and I often feel if I could have a forum to say them outloud, I would feel better. As a mother and a teacher and a wife and a leader in my worlds, voicing these feelings is not acceptable. I love my family and husband and friends and work–but I am hurt too. My doctor prescribes meds and because I have multiple physical issues, others assume that that is what pushes me. I am really not allowed to cry and when the tears force their way out, I feel guilty.
Please use your writng talent to talk to us and keep honesty as your focus. It is really the best for us all. I’ll pray that you can ride this storm out. It’s been nice to meet you. Hugs, Sylvia



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Carol

posted July 12, 2007 at 11:56 pm


It really is frustrating having the attention span of a gnat. I skipped right down to your message Sylvia so I understand. I spent another day locked up in my house alone where I feel free to feel like crap without worrying about how it looks to my friends and family.
Each day gets harder and harder to move, though. I’m afraid one day I won’t be able to leave at all. Maybe I should try my medication one more time. Tonight will be Day 2. Hopefully this queasy stomach and headache will pass. I was hoping the holistic approach would work for me, I tried but it is not enough.
Theresa, you seem to have many friends, I’d be honored to be among them. Is there something I can do? God Bless.
Carol



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Ann

posted July 13, 2007 at 12:27 am


So I am not alone. I too am relapsing right now. I have a very stressful job as a cardiac nurse. I must add that working with women is not helping. Why must we backstab and beat each others spirits down? I am often ashamed of our gender. I am a mother, wife, caregiver, friend, daughter, sister and christian. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I get it when you explain your feelings/emotions. I am taking it one day at a time, that is all you can do. We all need to take better care of ourselves, such a problem with society, I know, as I said I am a cardiac nurse. Daily reflection and exercise is so important, if I only practiced what I preached. God bless and thank you for your honesty.



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Nancy Wrenn

posted July 13, 2007 at 1:19 am


Teresa,
As I sit here reading your blog and the response people are writing in
I almost have tears in my eyes. It is a relief that we are now beginging to recognize depression for what it really is. IT IS A DISEASE,
just like any other disease. The pressure and pace we put ourselves in today can really add to it. Our mind does not have time to
“asborbe” or fully process all that we are “forced” to deal with each day. I have been since age 60 “home bound” and on disability
with depression and several medical problems.
The reason I am responding is that a number of people spoke of the Twelve Steps. There is under BOOKSONBOARD.COM a workbook on
12 steps called 12 STEPS WORKBOOK THE PROACTIVE TWELVE STEPS
This book is written for people who want to help themselves with
personal issues. IT IS NOT AN AA BOOK!!
If you are inclined to read or purchase this book it is [ Proactive Coach by Serge Prengal. The ISBN #’s are: ISBN: 1-892482-06-1 and
ISBN-13: 978-1-892482-06-8
There also is on the web under Eli Lilly co. a three part booklet for
dealing with depression. The first part is: MANAGING YOUR DEPRESSION, Part 2 is: BEING A SUPPORT PARTNER and Part 3:
SHARED GUIDEBOOK.
With depression, THE MAIN THING YOU WANT TO DO IS BUILD A SUPPORT
GROUP!! This booklet shows you how so that family around you can help and they understand part of what you are going through.
Remember: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO AND CANNOT DEAL WITH DEPRESSION ALONE!!!
SEEK HELP!
I dealt with depression for years thinking that I alone could do
something about it. I sought professional help for short times
several times. Due to Colitis I had to take Prednisone and Cipro
in 2001. Two weeks later I was admitted to psy. ward for Clinical Depression. One of the major side effects of Cipro is DEPRESSION!
It is the anti-dote for Amtrak also.
I hope this information will be helpful to someone. I have done
enough research on web and through counseling and DBT Classes
the last 6 years. I am better, but will NEVER be cured with the depression that I have called Dystamia. My medical problems do
not help with complete defeat of depression. The depression will
go away for a period of time, then some trauma, event can bring it
back.
In closing, I say Love to all who deal with this disease!! Nobody
knows until you have been there yourself!!
MsCiera



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sasha the co-dependent

posted July 13, 2007 at 1:48 am


Dear Therese,
It is so painful for a co-dependent to read your pain.
Because I feel- literally- for you.
I have been there quite often myself through the years.
After my divorce from my 2nd husband, I was lost, in pain and had no close relationship with my HP [God}
As a recovering alcoholic, that is dangerous place to be.
What I found ws solace in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Especially step 2.Came to beleived that a Power greater then me could restore me to sanity.
After reading every 12 step book I could get my hands on,Alcoholics Anonymous, CoDa, Alanon, etc.
I FINALLY realized my insanity took the form of negative thoughts.
I am stupid, I am ugly, I have no talent, I am a terrible nurse and sometime soon THEY will realize what a fake I am and fire me.
I am a terrible mother..ad nauseum.
Everything you wrote about, everything all the people commenting wrote about.
The key, for me was the realization that those thoughts were my disease telling me things because it "wanted" me. It "wanted" me to drink, it "wanted" me to 'act out', it wanted me to do those things that I went to my 12 step meetings NOT to do. But my disease did not want me to be "happy joyous and free" It wanted me to be miserable, unhappy and drunk.
Now I have a lot of negative qualities and many can be used in a positive manner, [when I check my motives,first.]
I am stubborn and oppositional at times.
I refused to allow my disease to win!
I refuse to allow my disease tell me all thsoe things,anymore.
I am powerless over my disease[ alcoholism, codependency,etc]. But I am not powerless over my mind and my thought ‘process’.
I can STOP listening to my disease.
I can stop those thoughts.
With the help of my HP, of course.
This was a major break through for me.
I was then able to discover my own personal HP for my life.
This does not always happen immediately. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize it is time for me to ‘read the 2nd step’ again.
But as long as I make the effort,even a very small step, I feel the effects very quickly.
But, sometimes, I just enjoy the misery. I have lived there for so long, it feels comfortable.
But my lows are not as low.
My reccovery happens much faster.
And when it happens again, I don’t get so hopeless.
I wanted to share this. Not becasue I thought you needed to hear this. But to share with others who may be struggling.
And your sharing today caused a reverberation of pain in me that happens without warning.
That used to keep me in its grip for weeks, months,years.
And now, I have the ‘power’ to change my life.
I know you will come out of this slump. That is all that this is, a slump.
I will think good thoughts, say prayers and look forward to your next share.
Sasha the co-dependent



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Margaret

posted July 13, 2007 at 2:13 am


Came across your blog for the first time today, and feel like God sent me to it! I was diagnosed with depression twelve years ago when within the same time period my mother passed away and my husband ( a minister, no less, was having an affair He decided to “come clean” on the morning after I got back home from mama’s funeral after lying about it for months. We’ve been divorced now since 91, and there are still times when that pain is raw. We ended up seaparating when I decided to demand that he make a choice–give up his mistress or move out. After he moved, he DID give up the mistress, only to start anew with a sister from our congregation who was the biological sister of my best friend! before our divorce was even final, before we’d even actually gotten to court, this mistress was prefnant and they married after their daughter was born which was weeks after we finally were actually divorced. They had a civil ceremony Because of what the Bible teaches about adultery, divorce and remarriage, they weren’t allowed to marry in the church. Nonetheless, he is now back in the pulpit, which feels like betrayal to me.
A few years ago I had a stroke which forced me to give up my highly rewarding and successful teaching career. It was in treatment by a nueropshchiatrist that I was diagnosed as being bipolar rather than simply depressed . I haven’t claimed that diagnosis either, because I never experience the manic side of it, only the depression, which they say was exacerbated by my stroke. As I am now hemiplegic, I can’t get out and about much and can even no longer really take care of myself.
Have been forced to hire a caregiver for housekeeping, cooking and help with personal hygeine. After a lifetime of BEING the caregiver, I’ve been reduced to not being able to do even for myself! That alone has deepened my depressioneven more
I think God will see you through this (me too, I pray) I bookmarked your blog and will be checking it daily from now on. DON’T give up hope!



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Rose

posted July 13, 2007 at 2:15 am


Please help. I pray, try to stay hopeful and imagine great things that will happen to me. My brother betrayed me…I can forgive but not forget. I finally got a little financial relief but am still being evicted from my house. (not my home!) I went to work today with such anxiety I was going to be fired, thank GOD I wasn’t. If I drink coffee my anxiety goes off the charts. My anxiety is SOOO bad, so many negative things have happened to me in the last three years, I’ve come to expect EVERYTHING bad. How can I turn this around? I wanted to commit sucide with pills, but my kids told me since it’s ipbrophen I’d only get rid of a head ache and puke alot. I am trying to practice being in the”NOW” even though I appreciate life, I find it’s even getting hard for me to drive, open my front door etc.
I’d appreciate ANY words or comments.
Thanx,
Rose



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Jacki

posted July 13, 2007 at 6:17 am


Yes, demon be gone!!!! I’f we could only rip it out and be done with
it…..life should not be so hard.



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NANCY

posted July 13, 2007 at 7:16 am


HI THERESA,
Boy, can I relate….. I go from depression to being happy. So many times, I just lock myself in my bedroom and just watch television and don’t answer my phone or respond to my family. I being seeking medical treatment for approximately 10 years. Doctor has prescrbed different medications to try and help, but nothing works. At this point, I feel the medications are just a pyscological cruth. Although I do work full time, my anxiety and panic reaches high levels, whereby I can’t concentrate nor focus. I get set back in my work because I just can’t think.
There are so many, many women who suffer as we do. And…what do we do? i argue constantly with my husband. He is a great guy, but he doesn’t understand. Instead of taking with me and helping me get through a major panic, he critizes me. He tells me I take too much medication. I told him it is prescribed by doctors orders.
Perhaps we can keep in contact and maybe through talking we can help each other. You can email me if you would like. I live in Brooklyn, New York. Thanks for reading my story, and I really and truly hope you will consider talking together. Thanks and have a pleasant day!
Nancy



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rosemary.meisner

posted July 13, 2007 at 8:34 am


You sure know your stuff-it took me a life time to know that “this will pass”. God Bless You. R.



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Maureen

posted July 13, 2007 at 8:36 am


Thank you so much for your honesty. I am suffering from severe depression and I wake up in the middle of the night in a state of panic. Feeling like I can’t breathe with my heart pounding out of my chest. Financial difficulties, struggling to find a job and being alone with a 5 year old have just about put me over the edge. Your article has helped me realize I am not alone. Thank you again.



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Meryl

posted July 13, 2007 at 11:27 am


Hello,
WOW, such honesty, courage, candor, good for you. I know exactly what you are going through. I have aniexty and depression, and sometimes think I am Bi-Polar, but my Dr. disagrees. Is your husband supportive? Mine does not undertand. My mother-in-law is worse, she thinks I can jus snap out of it. She should know, she has depression. The difference between her and I…she fakes being happy when she is not, and it is obvious to me, but when I am down, I am down, and I can not fake like I am happy when I am not.
Do you have a book out?
I have a few things to work through on a daily basis, Crohns Disease, Aniexty, and Depression, all of which go through bouts of remission, but for the most part flair up on a continual basis.
St. Therese is my favorite Saint. I took my confirmation name after her. She has wonderful story. There are several books on her.
I have a lot of suggestions, but I am not sure if everyone wants to hear my coping strategie or not. I am not a doctor, just a human being trying to have peace, and happiness in my every day life, not fear, depression, or doubt.
Take care everyone,
Meryl



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Jean

posted July 13, 2007 at 1:00 pm


Therese, you are loved. At the time of this posting, 64 people had responded to your column. As for me, I look forward to reading what you have to say. I can relate to all of it- even the Catholic guilt trip. Never doubt that you’ve made a difference. Right now, I’m in about the same place as you, and reaching out as you are. Don’t give in! You can come out on the other side of this with dignity and insight. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger! You’re in my prayers.



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maren

posted July 13, 2007 at 1:55 pm


Therese – I also am bipoler. I have made a list of things that help me when I am down. I have found it helpful to take extra time to be nice to myself and treat myself. Things that help me are music, a walk in the woods, watching the sunset, talking to friends, volunteering(I am retired but still work a few hours a week) and praying. When I am down I do not have control over how I am feeling. I just remind myself I will get better and try to believe the good things my friends say about me. I have also written down how I feel when I am better and it helps to read this over and over. I will pray for you. Hugs. Maren.



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Michelle Daniels

posted July 13, 2007 at 2:34 pm


I loved your article. I have been going through a similiar situation with my depression. I too go through the crying marathons over anything from feeling like I am not a good mother, to having an argument with my husband. It is nice to see that I am not the only one having this difficulty.



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Emily Lauren Recker

posted July 13, 2007 at 2:47 pm


Thank you. I am a 25 year old mother of a 4 year old and a 7 month old. I asked myself today are you happy? To an extent was my answer. I have 2 beautiful girls and I am blessed to be a stay at home mom. But I got married because I thought that was best, when now I know it was not. I love the man, but sometimes it’s hard. Not knowing if we will be married in 5 years scares the hell out of me. I have had a life of depression it seems. My grandmother, mother and sister are all schizophrenics. While I do not have that, I have struggled through my insanity to find my sanity. Maybe that’s the difference between them and me. I am struggling currently with my situation and though I know you don’t have all my answers, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my boat. I have found strength and clarity through my religion. Not main stream, organized religion but 1 that saved my life, literally, paganism. I don’t know if you can feel it but something big is on the horizon. I pray the Lord and Lady watch over you and I and give us strength. I have a feeling we will need it. You are a beautiful soul. I pray you are blessed everyday. Once again, thank you. You have made my day better and I printed it out to hang as a reminder that I am not alone.



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Carrie Eaton

posted July 13, 2007 at 2:48 pm


Therese, I love your honesty and your courage!!!!!!!! Your pain is being used to touch other lives through your writing.
I have learned that FAITH is the key to healing. Abandon control, power and security and leave it to God. He is faithful.



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Saundra Stinson

posted July 13, 2007 at 7:39 pm


I have been so blessed by your thoughts, encouragement and common sense. I am a breast cancer survivor (3 years) and still have bouts of anxiety and depression: Will the cancer return? Did I feel a lump? I don’t feel quite right, and so on and so on.
I know that God is in control, but sometimes I succomb to the “old me” who worries about EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY. Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences. I realize I’m not alone and this, too, shall pass.
Know that I am praying for (and with) you. I trust that the prayers and well wishes (from those of us who have received your encouragement and blessings) will come back to you a hundredfold and lighten your heart.
Regards,
A Fan



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Andrea Rayna

posted July 14, 2007 at 2:48 am


Therese, I do not know if my words will reach you, but I will say them anyway. There are so many posts here for you, encouraging words…but unless you have stood next to the abyss and felt the pull of the darkness, they cannot understand that even words with the best of intentions can sound hollow. Can we ever find the right words to explain to a “normal” person what it feels like when your brain chemistry betrays you? I reached out a few weeks ago to my ex, told him I was further into a depression than I had been for years, and his reply was “Be like John Nash and just refuse to give in, you can cure it yourself if you really want to.”
I wanted to shake him, force him to understand if depression or anxiety could be cured by thoughts, I would have done so years ago, but he can’t understand, he lacks the capacity to do so.
I also find that at my lowest times I raise my eyes to the heavens and plead with God, you made the world in 7 days, why can you not deliver me from this living hell? I have never gotten an answer to that question. It is these times that I must step out into the seemingly void and have faith that the solid rock will be beneath my feet. That at some point in my life the reason I have been given this burden will be made clear. I may never be cured of my depressions, but I strive each day to catch a glimpse of a silver lining in these dark clouds that shroud my view of The Son.
In my efforts to understand God’s will for my life, I try to view my struggles with depression as a gift, rather than a burden. Perhaps some day He will make that clear.
Namaste’



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sue

posted July 14, 2007 at 8:19 am


WOW…Im speechless…this is EXACTLY where I am in my life right now…another relapse yet I didnt know what to call it…I dont even know what to say because this is me yet I didnt know how to put into words how I felt..I felt myself slipping..I felt the relapse coming…and then a crisis happened and I actually felt the shift…I have been walking around for a month now in this zone..the last time this happened to me was 10 yrs ago..I am afraid of medication. I am afraid of being labelled.
I just want to feel better again.:(



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Anonymous

posted July 14, 2007 at 1:46 pm


This is a GREAT article! However, what have you done that helped you to come out of it since? I was hoping ot read on and find out where you went from there (this article). What were your next steps that made you feel secure and confident that you would be ok? Please continue…with “the rest of the story” to the end. You are a wonderful writer and person to share yourself.



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Susanne

posted July 14, 2007 at 7:05 pm


I think that I am going through a relapse…and I don’t know the first thing to do. My husband tries to be understanding, but I get mad at him because I know he could not even begin to understand what I am going through. This is my first time ever responding and/or reading these articles….



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Maria

posted July 14, 2007 at 8:19 pm


I had no idea how many people out there had the same problems I have! For years I suffered in silence thinking I was broken. I told no one and even denied it to myself. I told myself I was okay and everyone goes thru this. I’m finally starting to get out of this shamefull mindset and seeking help. I’ve tried several medications, none of which has helped so far, but I’ll keep trying! I’ll do anything to be “normal”. I still can not talk to anyone about it besides doctors. The closest person I’ve attempted t talk to is my husband, until I realized he is totally clueless about it and does more damage than helps with his “snap out of it” and “don’t be weak” comments. But isn’t it scary how many of us there are?? Something is truly wrong here! Is it invironmental?, genetics?, or what????



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Kaligirl426

posted July 15, 2007 at 1:01 am


You just told the story of my life right now. I’m falling into a depression right now and everything you just described is exactly like my situation. It is so good to know that I am not alone in all of this and that there are people who are feeling just like me. It sucks, the feeling that you cant talk to anyone about what is going on because they dont understand… well its so good to know that some people do. Thanks



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Terri

posted July 15, 2007 at 10:18 pm


I think that you need to downsize…stop worrying about “free range chicken”…I have been kicked out of my home by my mom, was left to clean up mechanical leftovers in a garage that my brother trashed, have 2 boys that eat food like a garbage disposal and complain there isn’t any food, underemployed, a boyfriend who walked out on me…the list goes on



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lady of light

posted July 16, 2007 at 10:24 am


Theresa
Thank you for your honesty. I have been in the place where you are. Once I was so depressed, I couldn’t even talk or get out of a chair. I was taken to the Psychiatric ward of the hosptial and I slept for three days. When I woke up, I was healed! I looked at my bedside table and there was a business card from a pastor of a local church who had laid hands on me and prayed for me. It said, “For God so loved the world he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16 Anyone who has suffered “black hole” depression would know this was a miracle. I went home and I have never been hospitalized again – that was 28 years ago. I still suffer from Bipolar Disorder which involves depression, and I have a wonderful therapist and Jesus helps me keep my balance. I am praying for you right now, THeresa, and I do believe in the power of prayer. I also believe in the power of the promises of God and would like to share one of these with you:
“There will be no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is FAITHFUL who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye ar able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” I Corinthians 10:13
May God bless you and know that you are appreciated and are a blessing to others.
In God’s Love,
Susan



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Lisa

posted July 17, 2007 at 12:28 am


I must admit, I haven’t tried all the vitamins or the free range this or organic that, but everything else on your list is on my list. I continue to talk to my therapist, see my doctor, take my meds, journal, etc, but the crying doesn’t stop.I am some better after a meds adjustment, but the anxiety – the deep seated fears that something horrible will happen, or that I’ll screw up somehow still persist. When I read your entry, I covered my mouth in shock that there is someone out there like me and then, I cried. I cried for you and for me. Cried that we have to live like this. I know we have to live, we have children and families that need us despite our shortfall. I’m confused over whether to live in the moment as the Buddha says, or live in hope as Jesus says. Maybe there’s something that can be learned from both teachers. I hope we find it. All we can do is hang on, use our energy to pretend to the outside world that everything is ok and hide ourselves away in our rooms when we get home. If anyone has anymore thoughts….please respond.



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Sharon

posted July 17, 2007 at 1:26 am


Bless your sweet heart. Deep inside you have the heart and faith to know that bad as today is, there is hope for it all to get better. This knowledge comes comes more easily with the years when you have been through countelss more highs and lows, reaching that place in the middle where you can better withstand the waves to come. Even if peace is not yours now—it is there to come. It will come.
Know that you are loved and that you are part of an understanding world. Garner that faith and love to tide you over the rough times to come—being there for your children and others you love helps even more. Anything you give will come back to you a hundredfold—just recognize that it is there to to tide you over.



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eva

posted July 17, 2007 at 1:46 am


I liked this because there are many reasons for using the twelve step program.Personally mine to is alcohol.I loook back to this day and say wow what the heck just happenned,but it didn’t just happen.I lost alot of time and missed some truly beautiful events in my life because in my addiction it was all.And it started with the me syndrome,the depression and the insanity of it all.Tha chemical imbalance switch in my head switched today I am in a much better place,and try to not get into my head,the steps,my faith in the lord and I do talk to him more,and yes when we end up in that place I believe it is a mental,emotional=downslide that leads to the depression.Thankyou for having this post here I truly enjoyed it.May god bless you always and may he allow you to continue being a blessing to others.



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Pat

posted July 17, 2007 at 2:47 am


I almost cried when I read this. Unless someone has been in that black hole struggling with everything they have to claw themselves out, just praying to get to the top and hoping that tomorrow will be better; I don’t know if they would be able to understand what hell is like. Knowing that they have everything to live for, but not caring, knowing the pain it would cause people if you checked out,but so what. They’ll get over it. Knowing that you are blessed;that there are people in the world that have so much less and all you can think of is what you don’t have. After each episode, I pray like crazy that I won’t experience another one. I even make plans as to what to do if one comes on, but so far they have failed. My only consolation is that usually the next day is better, but I feel so badly and guilty for missing out on the living and my responsibilities that got neglected that I vow never to allow that to happen again. Here’s a no brainer. It happens again inspite of medication,and therapy. So each week I TRY to do the tasks recommended by therapy, and always to try to take my meds. Which by the way, the black hole tells me to skip the meds, cause no one cares. Each day is a battle to bring me back to the person I know I can be and once was. And I pray every night for the strength to make each day better than the other.



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Cindy

posted July 17, 2007 at 2:50 am


I am where you are tonight as well. I wish quick and peaceful healing for you and I and all those who suffer anxiety. I believe we have this because we are true givers and eventually we just run out of gas. Reading Dr. Claire Weekes books do wonders for me perhaps you should read a copy. Peace to you sister :)



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Jim

posted July 17, 2007 at 7:29 am


Hi I to suffer a lot from depression and fall into relapse many times I lost my job as an Ambulanceman but one of my problems was misdiagnosed and if I got this treatment at the time then instead of just a year ago I would never have lost my job and been unemployed for 18 years.
Yes by all means you have to keep on going with all the things that you have been doing its great that you can but I feel that you must take a little time for yourself, sit on a chair quietly no noise just the sound of nature if possible deep breathing and keep saying to yourself “This to will pass”.
You are eating all the right things but a word of warning you can easlie overdoze on supplements such as vitamins and otyhers don’t take to many a day, I take mine in the morning after breakfast or just after lunch, take all your suplements with a pure fruit juice and then they do not pass the Liver and the Kidneys Codliver Oil should be taken liquid form with milk or fruit juice.
I hope this little advice will help you.
Sent with lots of Love, Light and Many Blessings.
Jim



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Jill

posted July 17, 2007 at 7:30 am


So, what are the famous 12 steps? Are they only useful for the desparate or can anyone try to follow the guide? I don’t join groups or confide in friends, so, consequently I look for do it yourself stuff.



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Karen

posted July 17, 2007 at 7:42 am


I can totally relate to what you are saying as dealing with depression and anxiety has been such a difficult task. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere or so it seems. this deep sadness that has no name or face. climbing out to see the light is such a struggle but i guess saying “this to shall pass” and knowing God is there even in the darkness pulls us through. i pray you will see the light and the sun will shine on you.



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Candice

posted July 17, 2007 at 7:47 am


Ah, Therese, I share your pain, my own version of the same story. I, myself, have never been diagnosed bipolar, never become ensnared with the come-hither dance of alcohol. I guess mine is a more subtle demon. I have fallen into the black hole but hold on to the sides with fingers scraping, see the sunshine and people walking above me. I want to call out but I think “oh God, they’ll think I’m crazy” and watch them walk by as I smile up at them – yeah, I’m okay, no problem. My suffering with alcohol came at the hands of a violent alcoholic mother so I decided to be the world’s best damn mom. And I was good, VERY good, very selfless, scout-leader, room-mother, good. But, inside I felt like a totally useless-why-bother-living-snake-spewing creature. My two darling children whom I adore more than life are now mean-spirited teenagers – normal, right? Except my daughter is already getting drunk at the ripe age of 16, my son sexually active at 14. So much for the mother-of-the-year award. The psychiatrist takes fifteen minutes, asks his perfunctory questions and writes his presciption. He doesn’t even feign a caring attitude and I don’t bother to bore him. My lovely 50-something very hip therapist leans forward, rehearsed look of concern on her face until the end of the forty-five minutes, then shifts into her “that’s all, folks” mode. She is smart. She asks for her check at the BEGINNING of the session. Don’t mess with an outstanding balance. After all, she didn’t get that little silver sports car by letting her patients slip on their financial obgligations. In all actuality, it’s just me hanging on to the precipice of that black hole. It’s that, or the alternative, which I’m not ready to succumb to yet.



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Melinda

posted July 17, 2007 at 8:37 am


My prayers go out to you Therese – your pain is very real however your faith is stronger and as I read your story I see a strong and determined woman. I wish your article came out 2 years ago for my son to read. I’m a mother of a 25 year old handsome, talented, loving and committed young man with 2 baby girls who he left behind. His Bipolar Disorder mixed with Manic Depression was told to us after he was gone. We thought he had “issues” and his change of behavior was hard for us to understand but figured it was just growing pains and the sudden responsibility of taking care of a wife diagnosed with colon cancer, a premature infant and a go-nowhere job was just too hard for him to handle. His faith was high and knew Jesus was on his side but the enemy spoke to him constantly in nightmares, sleepless nights and bouts of guilt, depression and feelings of worthlessness. He had all the support from a loving family, resources abounding yet he often said he felt completely alone and we didn’t understand. We just couldn’t help him. I truly wish he would have known that others go through these dark days and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for your words.



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Jan

posted July 17, 2007 at 8:55 am


Thank you for sharing your struggle and reminding me too of where I once spent a lot of time,(not by choice). Sometimes it seems to me that the old days were so much simpler. The days when we had a choice of two, maybe three laundry detergents,toothpaste,toiletpaper etc. Kids weren’t involved in much more than neighborhood play. The fact is here we are today,and I wonder have we truly arrived?I am not considered great by todays standards,but when my seventeen year old says “Mom I just want you to know that I love you, and I’d like to spend some one-on-one with you I feel I have arrived.
I don’t think you need any advice,sounds like your right where you need to be. Sometimes we just need a reminder of how far we’ve come, and to keep it simple. God Bless.



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TK

posted July 17, 2007 at 9:05 am


I agree with Jill. I don’t usually rely on others for confiding in. I use herbals and DIY. What are the 12 steps?



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Elise

posted July 17, 2007 at 9:26 am


Dear Therese,
I’ve been suffering from Anxiety Disorder since I was seven. Misdiagnosed at 13. Went into psychiatric institute when I was 16. Was an “A” student, could have gone to college, had some sort of future. But because I was never properly diagnosed or treated (they thought my symptoms, i.e. hyperventillating, racing heart, numbness, feeling as though I was dying or losing my mind – ALL THE TIME — was due to using illegal drugs, family, or school problems. The common ‘mantra’ of the time was that it had to be one of those three problems stated above. It was 1978.)
Now, I’m 45, my husband left me, I have two daughters – 22 & 15 – and while I’m being treated for the Anxiety/Agoraphobia, I have the customary bouts of remission and relapse. My business is failing, I don’t have custody of my daughter, I don’t know how I’m going to pay the bills or even survive, I have no money and no education, and the absolute worse part of all this is that I’m all alone. I am Catholic and do ask help from God, the Saints, particularly St. Dymphna and Our Lady of Mental Health, but I wonder — how much of my depression is caused by real problems that are causing sadness in my life, or how much of it is anxiety/depression related and that is the cause of my problems.
I didn’t ask to be divorced and I was being treated. Needless to say, my ex is a cruel man, so I know it’s a blessing he’s no longer in my life. But I ask you, do you think it’s worse to have family and friends that can be hurt by this disorder, or is it better to face this unbearable pain — all alone?
Confused, sad, bewildered, and lonely.
Elise



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Kate

posted July 17, 2007 at 9:37 am


Having been diagnosed with bipoplar disorder along with a good dose of anxiety disorder, I have lived with the black hole problem for many years. (Even a suicide attempt)
Some things that have helped me. One remember you are not alone, that God holds you in the palm of his hand and will help you, if you help yourself.
A doctor who worked with me until we found a drug lamictal (which was used to treat epilepsy originally) which works better than lithium for me at least.
A friend who doesn’t feed your depression and is there for you, boost you up (not down).
Finding the guts to tell those people who just say that you have nothing to be depressed about, to stick it in their ears.
DEPRESSION IS A MEDICAL CONDITION, just like diabetes or cancer and you have no control over it without medication. With medication, you can try to win the battle.
But mostly, PRAYER. I pray everyday that I can battle the black hole and not let win.
My thoughts and prayers are with those of us who face this battle daily.



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Deby Cedars LMT/RMT

posted July 17, 2007 at 9:44 am


I have beat the depression!!! I dispute all negative thoughts now,which is part of cognitive behavioral therapy. My biggest help and what keeps me from backsliding is my list of 10 positive thoughts that I write in my journal everyday. When I’m happy I write them and when I’m sad I write them.
The weather here right now in Derby, CT is beautiful.
My pumpkin plant is in bloom.
I remembered to floss today.
I have massage work for later on today. (I love my work))
My friends and family love me.
The dishes are soaking and should be very easy to clean.
I have all the equipment I need to narrate books for the blind.
I have a friend in NY.
I can raise money for charity using my new massage chair.
My netflix movie is on the way.
I wrote those out so fast. It takes longer when your in a negative mood, but it can and should be done. Everyday!



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Christine

posted July 17, 2007 at 9:46 am


Dear Elise,
First, I would like you to know you’re not alone in your feelings. Your story seems like my life story repeated, only I have a much caring son of 30 who alas, is in Europe and unable actually to help me, nor would I actually want him to, after all he has his own life to live. My daughter left at 9 years of age (now 13 years old) to live with her father and rarely contacts me except when she actually needs something from me, and since then I have fallen, on and off into deep depressions. The only thing that really keeps me hanging on is that I have a good group of friends who are supportive and my work which helps me pay the bills and at least find some kind of satisfaction. Luckily for me I have put a stop to my daughter contacting me everytime she feels like it and if I have a problem she is never there for me, because the emotional ping-pong game is too much for me to handle and it hurts, making me angry and driving me into a deeper depression. I often force myself to leave home to any social gathering out of self-preservation because if I stay indoors any longer I feel I will go crazy. I have also gone to religious meetings, therapy, read all kinds of self-help books to no avail. Nonetheless, I do not lose hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I am sure both you and I and anyone suffering from depression will see that light, we just have to cross the hurdle as best we can and try to remain positive (a very difficult task when you are depressed) until the air clears up and better times come and come they will because this is not the first time I have suffered from this and I always say to myself after great sorrow and despondency comes great joy. So hang onto that thought. My best wishes for you in the good times to come. Christine



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John

posted July 17, 2007 at 9:49 am


Sometimes I can only go through the motions and do the simplest step-by-step processes to meet my responsibilities. By breaking down any task into its most minute components I can tell myself, – all you have to do is: -, and for some reason, maintaining physical momentum works. I also am trying a new bit of self-talk – ‘this depression is not me, it is simply a cloud passing back. I will not fight it or resist it, but just notice it and keep on going.’
By putting this all down on paper it seems to take away its power to overcome my natural spiritual exuberance. Right now I am working on re-kindling Hope, as I had put aside the idea that there was any hope for a better or happier life for me for many, many years. It’s a bit scary, in that Hope is a channel through which I have had a lot of pain piped into my soul, but I am working on it – trusting that my Higher Power, who I choose not to name specifically, will feed in healthy sunlight to me down that channel, unlike the poisons of the past. I can see now that all that pain was a consequence of unhealthy choices, and I can only believe that nearly 14 years of sobriety have created a sounder moral base from which I express my desires.



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Joan

posted July 17, 2007 at 10:02 am


The black hole is here….the funeral is over…I have to notify and fax her death certificate to her creditors(there is some joy in this because I get to be nastier than they were to me or her) That’s what is one of three goals for today….I address several more thank you notes and get them into the mail somehow. I need to set up the printer so that I can print out the labels for the CDs of her funeral music. I will make sure the people who didn’t come will receive it with the thank you note stating how they were missed….and all the time each day it gets more difficult to even get out of bed….The dogs help …they need to be walked so I get dressed…I haven’t reached the point like the last time when I didn’t bathe for days or eat or sleep…I am not there yet. I feel dead…numb and yet I cannot get through the grocery. I am not totally crazy but close.



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Doreen

posted July 17, 2007 at 10:07 am


I have just found your site by accident and have found a kinship feeling here.
I know that I am depressed. I lost my husband of 31 years just two and a half years ago. I thought I was doing well, but have these periods of really deep depression every so often. I have now been unemployed for the past three months and have always had NO SELF-CONFIDENCE, and now I worry that at 58 years of age I will not find another job to support myself and pay the bills that just keep coming in. I have no health insurance, so have not been to the doctor but twice in over a year, since I also have high blood pressure and needed to go to get my prescriptions renewed. I cannot always afford the meds so sometimes I just take them every other day to stretch them out.
It just made me feel better knowing that there are others out there facing this situation.
Thank you for being there, and I am going to check this site out more often.



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Annie G

posted July 17, 2007 at 10:14 am


I am glad I found this forum. I have suffered from major depression for over 13 yrs. Some from life, a lot from chronic pain.
Depression is not just related to death. Clinical depression does not have to have a life issue to be there. It is a chemical imbalance.
I pray for all who suffer.
Annie



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Teretha Martin

posted July 17, 2007 at 11:12 am


I found out I have anxiety attacks after my mother passed. I tried so hard and prayed so hard for her but it was her time to go. After which I tried to be supportive for everyone and not cry. There was no one there who helped me because they all looked for me to be strong. I tried to be strong. I was raised for this purpose, to be strong for others.
I started holding my breath when ever I thought I was going to hear terrible news. Older relatives started passing every other month it seemed. Ten people died out of the family. Which was unusual because we had been blessed to not have many deaths in the family. After a while I started thinking I was having heart attacks. I went to the doctor. The doctor ran tests. I was diagnosed with panic disorder. I have to take medication for it and now I am not as depressed but I hate the fact I have to take medication for it. I am working through it and hope one day to be able to cope without the aid of medication. It is not about being strong. It is a problem in my family I wasn’t aware existed. My mother had it but I never understood until she passed what it was. So now I pray and try to tell others it doesn’t mean you are crazy and it is something you can’t just snap out of without professional help.



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Eileen

posted July 17, 2007 at 11:21 am


As I have read your comments I feel your pain. I don’t know why depression affects some of us so severly. Then again I do. I am bi-polar. My husband of 25 years left me. I found he had never been faithful to me. He slept around a lot. He would take my children with him when they were small. This happened in 1988, believe that? Married a younger woman and left me and my precious children, a girl 14 and boy 12. He left us and welcomed us to the “real” world. A tuck full of all we owned and no place to go. He sat us here and left. I had married at 17 and he was very controlling. He did not allow me to drive or even have a car. We fought so much, physically at the first. My father had taught me at a very young age that I am bad and should be either ignored or beaten. I mostly got the latter of the two. From here we go to the English man I married that I didn’t know was already married. Has wives in 3 countries. I caught him in bed with the Jamacan woman I had hired to work for us. I thought I would die with when my real husband left me but even this took me low. I weigh 90lbs, I am up some today. He disappeared after that day 12 years ago with everything I owned and I have never heard another word. No appetite, tears unstoppable, a new lose. My soulmate, my life partner has now left me after 5 years of back and forth. He ask me to marry him but there was never the right time. I have met his 7 year old son many times and how I love him. Now his dad as told him we are not going to be married and even had him call me and ask for his toys his dad left here. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I am a self-made victim. God has been my Rock and Refuge and pray He never leaves me for He is all I have and I Love HIM. The tears still flow as God and I begin to rebuild my life once more at 57. I have found personally, the only way to heal is to forgive. For we will are not equiped to change anyone but ourselves. I have been to hell and back and I am weary. But there is Hope for I still breathe and God still loves me. I pray for each dear soul who reads these words. Know how deeply I feel your pain, know I love you all for you are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I will forgive so the Lord may forgive me my sins. I will go forward today a child of Christ, loved, wanted and accepted by someone greater than any. Jesus our Christ. I will dry my tears for now and once again, begin anew, as I pray for healing from this black oppression that returns at will to steal my very soul.
I know how you feel, I understand, I am here if anyone needs me. I shall keep you all in my prayers, please pray for me if you are a Christian.
In Christ Love, Eileen



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Teddie

posted July 17, 2007 at 11:24 am


Thank you for your note today. I am in this situation also. But, should have lots to be happy and joyous. Even my husband is asking why?
My only son got married July 6, this year. I am happy he found a darling girl, there is a calming peace about her for him. Their baby is due Nov. 26 this year. I should be estatic sp?) So, why has this not put me there? I keep falling and trying to stay up is hard, I am struggling and want my blankie, bear and go into my closet.
I get my meds at a deep discount, but don’t think they are working.



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Kathy

posted July 17, 2007 at 11:24 am


I suffer from “… major depressive disorder, severe.” I remember when the psychiatrist said those words. I was relieved, in a sense, that there was a name to apply to my craziness. Clinical depression is terrifying. It needs no occasion nor reason to descend upon my mind and take me over. I’ve been standing on that edge that you speak of, as well, for a few weeks … teetering uncertainly, feeling the pull from that very black, empty hole, yet desperately wanting to stand in the light. Over the past 28 years (I’m 42 years old now), I’ve tried every means of escape I could think of: alcohol, drugs, religion, relationships, sex, food, career, marriage, parenthood, shopping, exercise, anti-depressants, therapy, AA, NA, and I have found that nothing is fail-safe. Today, however, things are better. I am clean and sober (an important place to start, obviously), and finally gaining some maturity in a relationship with my Higher Power (whom I call God and Jesus Christ). I don’t know what tomorrow will bring … I could bounce back completely and be sunny and cheerful or, I could just as easily find myself in a mental hospital — or I could go into weeks of lying in the bed, unable to make myself move, think, feel, breathe, or do anything other than believe that nothing will ever change and I might as well give up because let’s face it … when you’re in a deep depression, living hardly seems worthwhile. One of the things I’ve learned I must do to keep from feeling completely insane is to stay focused on today. Because today is all I can cope with. The fears and troubles of tomorrow are too overwhelming to face. And the joys and promises of tomorrow are incomprehensible when I’m in that dark place. It’s easy to see from this message board alone that we who have this terrible disease of depression are not alone, but that’s hard to remember when you’re in the thick of it. Many, many times in depression I prayed … even when I was certain that the only one who heard me was me. I have no magic solutions or expert advice to share, really … I don’t think anyone does. I can only share the hope that I’ve found, which is that after all these years, I’m still here, still surviving, and that finally, life is more often better than it is awful. If it can get better for me, I feel sure that it can get better for pretty much anyone. Just don’t give up.



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Mary

posted July 17, 2007 at 11:28 am


I can relate SO much to what was written by Therese. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety for over 15 years, but I have had it for most of my 58 years. Even with the medication I am prescribed, the vitamins (extra B complex), better food, prayer and meditation, I still wind up in a Black Hole that I have no idea how to get out of. I have worked on most of my past ‘problems’ through my 12 Step program, but there are still things that throw me for a loop. I wind up in bed for hours over the weekend or after dinner. I don’t sleep well and yet I am doing everything that I am supposed to do.
I used to hate my depression and panic attacks, but I learned over the years that I need to be grateful for them. They teach me where I am.
Being in a 12 Step program, I learn that I just need to get through this day only. If I get into past problems or looking to the future,
I find I am caught in my depression and anxiety more. Some days I can do just one thing, but that is enough. The fact that I have a job outside the home amazes me. I don’t stay out of work half as much as I did when I first went on medication. But there are those days or weeks, usually when an anniversary of a death, divorce, or something I have no control over come up and I am back in that Black Hole again.
I talk to my support people some, but I have this tendency to try to do it alone, which I know doesn’t work.
I will be living alone beginning next month as my son is of no use to me whatsoever. He doesn’t support me and thinks my depression is manipulation, since I can barely get my housework done. But I know that I do the best I can and don’t let anyone, even myself, get in the way of those days where I feel as if the depression has left.
So, I don’t believe in depression relapse. I believe that I will always have this disease, just as I will always have alcoholism. I am in states of remission. Sometimes for many months at a time, others for only days. But as long as I remember that I only have to get through one day, I feel that I am not pressed down into that Black Hole forever.



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Karen

posted July 17, 2007 at 12:17 pm


I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks years ago, when I went through the divorce with my first husband. My biggest problem was trust. He wasn’t having another relationship, or abusing alcohol or drugs, and he was a great father to our two children. I was the one with the problem. I began counseling on my own after the counselor saw us together only a few times. I had plenty on my plate at the time: Mom was a “silent alcoholic” – she only drank at night. My Dad left when I was 11 because he had a good job opportunity in a city 45 minutes away. Mom did not want to go there. Dad was supposed to see my sister and me every other weekend, and after about two or three months he just stopped coming. I suffered terribly with irritable bowel syndrome, even from the age of 4 or 5. I have come to learn that this was how my anxiety manifested itself. It was painful, and I had to be hospitalized a number of times.
I had very bad periods, tended to sleep days at a time, and did not participate in very many extra activities except for my church choir. The music saved my life. I could lose myself in learning to play guitar, piano lessons, and singing in the Junior Choir. I have since become a church musician and general music teacher in an elementary school.
I have been taking anti-depressants for almost 20 years. I have developed Fibromyalgia, a glitch in the nervous system which is very painful, like Super-Arthritis. I take muscle relaxants, sleep-aids, and pain meds along with my anti-depression meds. I lost my position as organist/choir director at my home church because I fell and got a severe concussion and was unable to speak or play well while I recovered. It broke my heart and I plunged into a very dark place of sorrow and anger.
But, my faith has saved me again. I was invited to play at another small parish for the Advent/Christmas season last year. They said they couldn’t pay much, and I found that I didn’t really care about the money. My heart wanted to find the joy of making music to pray by, something I had lost. When the contracted period was up, I asked if I could stay on. Why? Because my work there takes away my pain, if only for a little while on Sunday. I am making friends who don’t judge me, based on my limitations (some days are bad, and I walk with a cane). I have found a loving group of people and a way to express my love for God and His Son Jesus Christ by words and example. I am learning to accept myself as I am, and to “go with the flow” on any given day. I am remarried, my children are grown, and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Oh, there’ll still be painful days and sleepless nights, but I am learning to cope with the help of a kind counselor and a loving husband. Praise God.



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Deborah H

posted July 17, 2007 at 1:22 pm


Its funny how the world seems so small when your depressed, I have suffered from depression all through my life I am now 46 wether it was brought on by trauma as a child know one knows all that matters is how disabaliting it is and how the soul suffers, but the sure thing here is we seem to wake up and keep going, why God only knows but I do know that we have more strengh and curage than most people, because we have to, and we seem to have more compassion than most because we know what is means to really feel from the heart,people that suffer from depression are the first ones to reach out to people in need ,so when I start to fall down or try to again get up I try to think of what my depression has said to me and the things it has done ,I never take anything for granted I can feel things that most people take for granted like the warm breeze on my skin , the smell of flowers in the summer air and I feel the magic in the air around us, and even the sadness in the people around me also .I feel because we are so sensitive we pick up on every emotion we come in contact with good or bad ,have I sufferedd because of my depression , more than most just like you, have I found any good things , I have to think so, maybe if we can see depression in a new lite we can start to understand it better and love us because we are who we are.



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Lola P

posted July 17, 2007 at 1:27 pm


I commend you on handling this so gracefully.
After 10 years off medication, with nothing more than occasional monthly PSM blues, I am about to go back on medication. I was the victim of workplace psychological harassment 8 months ago. I lost so much and am trying to get my life back together. I am living a nightmare.
I look forward to getting over this and to once again being able to say it’s been 10 years off meds.
good luck everyone/protect yourselves at work.



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deborah ridgeway

posted July 17, 2007 at 1:45 pm


I am new to this site– and what you wrote today hit me like a ton of bricks (but in a good way.) I too have a recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder. We got the meds all figured out but I have still had so many negative and racing thoughts. I finally ran across David Burns’ “Feeling Good Handbook,” and something clicked. I have been doing this cognitive behavioral work, writing and writing, thinking and thinking (differently!) for a month now, and all the sudden, boom!!! a feeling of relapse. “I couldn’t really get better.” “I’ve been kidding myself.” “Well, if I was getting better I wouldn’t be able to keep it up.” So to read what you wrote and think about the pink hibiscuses that are ahead for me, is enough to encourage me to keep trying, for today.



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phyllis

posted July 17, 2007 at 2:22 pm


im 51 & cant remember a time in my adult life that i havent had the “blues” as my grandmother called it. my mother died when i was 2-yrs. old, dad remarried when i was four, & it was just hell from then on. by the age of 7-8 i remember asking god to let me die & let me be with my mother. at 22, i took 32-prescription sleeping pills & by the grace of god only, im still here. my dr. put me on antidepressants after my dads death 5-years ago & said had it been 50-years ago i would have been put in an institution. long story short, i feel everyday a battle not to let “it” win. i ask god for strength to be a good mother [i have a 22-year old son whos getting married in august], a good friend & a better person today than i was yesterday. i ask that all the people i know & love & the people that i come in contact with be protected from evil & evil doers.yesterday can never be changed so i try to live for today. god be with you all.



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Kathye

posted July 17, 2007 at 5:00 pm


Therese, and everyone:
Depression is a very, very dark place to be. My brother, also clinically depressed by diagnosis, and I refer to that as “the Dark Place”. Both of us, and my 28-year-old son, take medication to help us avert those dark times, but even “normal” people have bad days. I continue to learn about and be amazed by the fact that several other members of my family have suffered with this illness, and nobody told anybody. They, naturally, were ashamed of their “weakness” and evidently everybody else was embarrassed. With one exception, all the others in my family who have been diagnosed are dead. Some by their own hands, some just died after unsuccessful treatment.
It pleases me that the remaining members of my family can discuss this openly. It THRILLS me that there is a place like this where we can talk about our issues and not feel completely alone. Information and open discussion are probably the ammunition all of us have to fight this illness. It’s almost impossible to defeat a demon we don’t face. Being able to discuss it openly, admit our diseases, and not feel ashamed or less-than-human, means we are “armed” with the defenses we need to fight our personal demons. None of us can fight, let alone defeat, an enemy we won’t admit exists. And discussing our own weaknesses among the “home camp” (here, for example) means we can find ways together to make those weaknesses into strengths.
Therese, you have amazing strength and compassion in opening your life so that the rest of us KNOW we are not alone. That is a very painful and exposing place to put yourself in. It’s important that all of us recognize that we have each other, and we should all thank you for allowing us this forum and glance into your own personal battle with this issue.
Thank you for being exactly who and what and how and WHERE you are. You give us all strength.



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Jamia Hill

posted July 17, 2007 at 5:17 pm


I would like to recommend a book to those of us who suffer from recurring episodes of depression. It has helped me immensely. It is called: Healing Through the Dark Emotions, and is written by Miriam Greenspan. In it, she discusses our tendency to pathologize despair, grief, and other “dark” emotions, our society’s phobia of emotion generally, and she presents a beautifully embracing, self-compassionate way to work through these difficult emotional states. For myself, I have come to realize that the dichotomy I created in my own thinking between feeling “spiritually connected” vs my times of feeling “depressed and disconnected” was a mental aberration. I am now aware that in my dark times I am as spiritually connected as in my bright and inspired times. I hope you find the book as helpful as I have.



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carosive caregiver

posted July 18, 2007 at 12:41 am


never chatted or anything, but love what I just read, would
like to enter into this, please guide me. I’ve been through
alot and feel I could share ad infinum.
Carosive



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Hameed Malik

posted July 18, 2007 at 6:05 am


Like every one’s story. I have gone throgh hell, depression is due to some changes in brain chemicals and people then focus on dark side of every thing only.Lexapro 10 mg cured me within 30 days.No more negetive thoghts. I am most positive person and much happier person now. No major problems bother me.
If depressed Most important thing is to have a good night sleep.Write down daily what you want to accomplish today. Most antidepressent medication has severe withdrawl effects as reported in Dallas morning Newspaper of Tuesday of July 17, 2007 section “Healthy Living” page 10G under Q/A to “People Pharmacy”. Gradually get rid off all medication and try natural cures like Homeopathy and also check Mercola.Com site. Buy organic foods, milk, meat etc drink distilled water, use sea salt, use olive oil or Coconut oil which is the best oil, Avoid Canola or other oils. Avoid junk and fast foods specially any kind of Sodas, Avoid white flower, bread and sugar.use only natural vitamins nothing synthetic, Avoid artificial sweetners,Read great benefits and negetives about all these on Internet. Use more tomatoes, onion, garlic and ginger and fresh fruits after meals
My Best advice is to find missing love in your life.Get involved with people talk to every one who is sympathtic to you about your disease don’t hide it, get help immediately, remember life is short so enjoy every moment of it, hang arround with most positive and happy jolly friends and relatives who care about you. Involve with church and people everywhere, meet new people all the time who have common interests, go out and try to have fun with some good company. Never stay alone. Eat what you like. Stay busy with your short and longtime goals. Love and help people, volunteer your time for poor and those who are unfortunate. Pray to God every minute for you and other people, brush off negetive thoghts.
Find good qualities in every human you meet, smile with love to every one, run to help if you could help any one. Enjoy your children every second. Develop them as great citizens, Bring God and religion in your life get involve with church and charities. Be very brave and get even on the spot those offends you or disrespect you don’t offer right cheek ever unless their is a reason to tolerate that person. If you see any one is nasty with someone jump in to help the person and try to stop it at least by your looks or words. Always Always be very nice and very obedient and respectful to your mother and father and be much nicer with Grand Parents hug your parents and grand parents them all the time untill they get tired of you.Try to protect all week people. Do not listen to Daily News, I repeat do not listen to daily News that will definitely send you to the grave early and make your life living hell and all the doctors will make money on you. Just listen to good news only. Remember my proverb “Depressing News IN Depressing News Out” get smart. There is no need for media to fill whole news with crimes and other bad stories. Their are millions of good things are happening in this world why those don’t get reported, think about it. Don’t listen to bad and depressing stories from people tell them also’ to stop listening to bad TV news. Once you are healthy then you can help them. Don’t forget most important thing is to walk a mile in the morning in the fresh air and also in the evening. Definitely learn Yoga and also it’s brathing techniques.Always be close to nature and appreciate it’s beauty every moment.
Every thing what I said here think should be written on a stone so world will be depression free. If you are missing out any thing in your life what I wrote then may be one of those thing could be cause of your depression. Many things I did not write. Like forgive yourself forget your past,Don’t bring past when fighting with spouse funny advice but that esclate the fight, forget bad memories, forgive people those you think need your forgivness for reasons you judged at that moment, don’t recall bad memories and experiences,never think you are a victim, moveon with the life and instead of thinking of revange find better alternative, stay away from people gives you grief handle people the way they handles you, learn from experiences to avoid same mistakes, get the job you enjoy most money will follow you. Give money for good causes,do not discriminate,Always figt for justice specially for weak, poor,disable,minorities and sick people always give love to all children and give them gifts they like. I better stop because I still have lot to say.
Hameed Malik Garland TX



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Mia

posted July 18, 2007 at 12:32 pm


Therese you are a wonderful writer. I love your writing, because you mix your battle with an incredible sense of humor.
You are an inspiration to many and you help us more than you think. DO NOT LET THE ENEMY DESTROY YOUR WISDOM.
I love reading your articles. I see your battles but I also see an incredible writer. Remember two of our apostles suffered from depression. Stay in Him and He will be with you. Likewise, Rick Warren the author of The Purpose Driving Life, suffers from depression, and it is my understanding that while on a relapsed he wrote his number one best seller. So keep on writing.
I sometimes wonder if my depression and anxiety come to me when God is working on building in me character, and I somehow subconsciously fight it.



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Paula Mortazavi

posted July 18, 2007 at 1:04 pm


I, too, struggle with bipolar disorder. The most recent understanding of the disease is that it is progressive. I feel a responsibility to do my best to manage this illness, as much as it can be managed, with both lifestyle changes and medication. When bipolar disorder is out of control, it ravages not only our lives but the lives of our loved ones. Many people choose to address the illness with only “natural” remedies, and continue to relapse over and over. Don’t get me wrong: exercise, fish oil and a regular sleep schedule have been proven to help stabilize the illness. But we can do much better. Mood stabilizers are now available that have minimal side effects. I have watched unnecessary relapses, over and over, with other bipolar people in my life. This illness can eventually become intractable and untreatable if it is not aggressively managed, and that is such a tragedy.



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martie

posted July 18, 2007 at 3:28 pm


Wow I can fully understand what U wrote I 2 have been feeling a relapse and can I denify with the pain and hurts your going through i have ahd this going on for almost a week now and I can understand how that is … I know when its coming on and I dread the feeling i cry till my eyes are slits and I use a roll of toilet paper when my kleenex are gone I cannot be bothered my “normal” things i just need to be left alone and I cry out in anguish what am I doin wrong ??? I take the drugs for my brain and the other pills for my physical pain yet I still crash I 2 have a St.Theres’ medal and novenas yet the pain remains … I don’t feel like I need to explain to anyone why I’m not laughing I and my higher power whom I choose to call jeminidoo( jesus )knows whats going on and who needs to tell ppl that this ugly monster has risen its ugly head again so I prefer to sit here and watch t.v. if I can or lay down and pray and plead to please let this feeling pass I know I’m borderline personality and have major depressive episodes and I will have this if its Jesus’s will my prayers are going out too you whom are suffering from mental pain
Go bless
martie



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Debbie

posted July 18, 2007 at 8:21 pm


If I didnt sit here and think things out, I would bla my own problems first. I don’t mean to do this really, I don’t.
First of all you hit alot of things we all feel.
With bipolar I feel sad. I feel different. I resent having it.
I have a problem with a special friend.
It’s been happening for like 6-7years.
I know its a relationship I should get out of permantly.
But I keep thinking that it’s my fault.
It’s the diseases fault.
So I constantly forgive her.
This time I am taking a stand.
But a weak one.
I have agreed to let her call me now and then. THis might help us both who knows.
I tend to lie because of bipolar.
Its an easy one.
I hate to confront people.
I also need help with the little things when I am in a state.
What is exactly helpful is to see people have the problem I have.
I could go on and on.
But I just wanted to post a note.
I dont understand when you say the 12 steps are you talking AA?
I have been looking high and low for a bipolar support group.
My Dr keeps reminding me that once my meds are square, it will get better.
She said give it a year.
It’s a long process, huh??
I can’t feel good about work sometimes like you mentioned.
It’s hard because I have a very upbeat job.
So you got to fake it sometimes to get through.
I am ok with faking it.



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Pat Hubbard

posted July 19, 2007 at 11:22 pm


I am so sorry for your present pain, but know that it will not last.
I have lost my beloved husband, 3 babies, a granddaughter, my parents and various uncles and aunts. One brother died from liver disease and another brother was murdered.
This sounds outrageous I know, but it is true. I am here to tell you that it WILL get better! As a result of all this death and grief, I learned a great deal about how to heal. I presently lead a group of people who are divorced (a loss), separated or widowed.
I am a writer who has learned how valuable my talent is in helping myself to heal. If you wrote your feelings in a daily journal you would experience a lot of relief.
Right now, I am working on an eBook about grief. If you will go to EzineArticles.com , go to the Search bar on the left select Author and then type in Patricia Hubbard, you will find about 30 articles mostly dealing with grief. Some of these articles will be published in my book. Please go there and spend a little time reading.
Please hold on and eventually you will be angry enough to kick the “box” aside and move on to a more peaceful life. Pat



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Pat Hubbard

posted July 19, 2007 at 11:52 pm


OOPS!
Looks like I misunderstood your problem, but I still say to read the things I suggested. Also, If you have been diagnosed with bi-polar, I do not mean to diminish your situation. One thing I did learn was that as long as you tell your brain a certain thing, you will believe it. Sometimes we have to lie to our brain, sorta trick it , by changing our thoughts. If I feel an attack of herpes coming on, I say “no it will not come out this time” and grab my Llzine. It usually works unless I allow the stress to take control.
If you feel the emotional swing coming on, lie to yourself and think the opposite. De-program the fear and pain by telling it, “I am in charge! You will not take over my life!” Keep saying it until you begin to feel better.
I am not nieve, I am 70 years old. Please try this. Do not allow your self to be a victim of this insidious disease. You are stronger than that! You ARE in control of your body, regardless of what the “experts” say. I will continue to pray that your way will be clear and your days brighter. Pat



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Caroline

posted July 20, 2007 at 3:28 pm


Hang in there and get some medical help and counseling and know that you don’t suffer alone my husband has had severe Depression since I married him 25yrs ago and he hit rock bottom and I nearly lost him he had gotten Phenoumia and lost weight and dehidrated himself and wasn’t taking his medicines or taking care of his hygiene. I called 911 and he was rushed to the hospital on May 22, and came home on June 29, 07
After the Dr.’s got him physically fit then he was admitted to a mental hospital for awhile then when he was getting some what better they put him in an out patient treatment for 3 weeks now he just completed that today and will see the Dr. on July 25th. So please don’t give up there is help out there my prayers and thoughts are with you.



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Lisa

posted July 20, 2007 at 5:34 pm


A little glimmer of hope in your head goes a long way and if you truely believe that one day you will smell those flowers you will. Hope is not a feeling, it just is. It is a knowing that no matter how you feel, things one day will brighter even just in our thoughts. The knowing comes when you really don’t believe it or feel it, but you are going to hold on to it as it already exists. So call the things that are not, as if they are” Look at the horizon as if the wind will just blow it in.
It’s just like a little seed that sprouts to bring forth life. Thoughts spring forth action negative(legargy)positive(energy) They cause physiological changes in the body. Sow good thoughts(positive ones) that release endorphins, cheery little enzymes that we feel when we are happy.
So if you are feeling down, it’s OK because you probably need some sheltering from life for a time, but, speak at it(in voice and thought)like it has no hold on you and that it is just visiting and eventually it will have to leave. And, it will, it will try to come back, just bolt the door so to speak.
Positive thoughts are like a rainbow, it starts with rain and ends with rain and sunshine mixed together, then finally, just sunshine. Two opposing forces mixed together to make something exceptionally and truely beautiful. If it wasn’t for the rain then, we wouldn’t know how truely beautiful things really are. The key is to look through the rain or as an instrument to effect change, it’s necessary at times.
So after the rain, comes sunshine. Lauren Hill sings a song, one of the lines says, “first comes rain and then sunshine… God made rainbows as a sign of His love for us, So we would know beauty and love when we saw it.
So I guess the emphasis of all this is that it is better to chase rainbows than cloudy days.
I speak out of concern and compassion. I know that we are the only one who can achieve our dreams and have the power to think our thoughts.
So don’t let anybody steal your dreams or give creedence to any thoughts that didn’t originate in your own heart. Out of the heart the mouth speaks so speak to yourself in love songs as there is only one unique individual as you. You will thank yourself for it.
I can speak consertedly as I am a professional rainbow chaser even though the clouds seem to follow me incessantly. I know that the sun will shine again and that we will feel it’s warmth once again too.
Peace, joy, hope, faith and abundant love.



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Lisa K

posted July 23, 2007 at 2:57 pm


Yeah…..faking it is sometimes all we have. Thanks everyone for your posts ‘cuz it really helps to know I’m not alone in having this “thing”. Sometimes just knowing it will pass is enough, sometimes I have to really push myself and sometimes, I have to take time off fromthe world around me and make my world as small as my family and DR and Therapist. Then slowly, but surely, I can widen my life’s circle and let people in. But it’s the faking it that really gets me through – “fake it till you make it”. Right now I’m trying to memorize the entire serenity prayer. I’ll let you know if that helps. Peace.



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Monica

posted July 23, 2007 at 8:06 pm


I know how you feel! Rest assured this will pass. It stinks. Been there, done that!



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Anne Zimmerman

posted July 24, 2007 at 1:02 pm


I also suffer (have all my life) the malady of depression, anxiety and all the ugliness that it rears. Unfortunately right now with alot of stress in my life it is coming out as a whirlind of physical complaints……irritable bowel, headaches..tingling, severe fatigue and exhaustion. I have a quote that I myself wrote awhile ago that helps me and I hope it helps others who suffer with mental illness:
“I live between…before….and after the darkness!



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Dianne G.

posted July 24, 2007 at 7:59 pm


I’m going through a terrible relapse and I get so sad,scared and despairing even though I have had the gift of hope and God for the last 32 years of recovery. I will write again after I read all the comments but I can only do this for now. Havn’t been sleeping.Thanks to all of you. It helps @ the before and after the darkness there can be some living. Let’s do one more breath,minute,day,
Dianne from R.I.



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Debbie

posted July 25, 2007 at 12:10 am


“I live between…before….and after the darkness!
Posted by: Anne Zimmerman
That is beautiful!!! Accurate!! and Uplifting! Thank you Anne!



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Stephanie

posted July 26, 2007 at 4:06 pm


I too suffer from this disease of depression. I’ve tried AA, counseling, meds, etc… It keeps coming back to haunt me, when I least expect it, it’s there again. Nothing is working, including me, I lost my job that I so desperately needed for health insurance, now I”m so frightened what’s going to happen next month when I don’t have my meds is crippling me. My prayers go out to you Therese, hugs, Stephanie



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Starri

posted July 27, 2007 at 10:04 am


I thought that “IS it a Relapse?” article was beautifully written. It is a valuable step in our healing to be able to accept that sometimes we feel the relapse coming on and knowing how to recognize it as temporary.
It creates and opportunity to sharpen our coping skills as we continue to learn and perfect them. It teaches us to remember to pray and surrender to God the things we need to give up so we can focus on being healthier focus less on ourselves.
This process allows us to look around and find there are blessings to counted in spite of bi-polar disease or depression. Then we can greater appreciate the beauty that we knew was only being masked by this relapse and give thanks for the light once again.
Take one step at a time and let the light be the answer to your prayers.
Starri



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Dianne G.

posted July 29, 2007 at 6:24 pm


I wanted to send a very special thank you to Therese Borchard who sent me an e-mail of prayer after I posted my struggle on July 24th. It meant so much and I have her and each of you on my prayer list. I think prayer is why I am still here even though I doubt it when the horrible blackness hits the hardest. I would have ended it without some kind of gentle,caring powerful grace. Grace happens. xoxo Dianne from Rhode Island



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Sheri

posted August 2, 2007 at 1:20 pm


I have come through a long hard bout of depression/anxiety for the last year. I am stable now, in recovery, and wanting to write an article or perhaps a book about my experiences. I kept journal entries most days, even when I could not do much else. The anxiety was the hardest part to overcome, but with a wonderful Christian therapist that has worked with me this past year and using EMDR, the paralyzing anxiety has been lifted. I believe my recovery (on going) has been the result of a good doctor, the right medicines, therapy, family and friend support, and many prayers for me through my church, friends and family. I know that depression has a genetic component for me, as both parents were depressed for as long as I can remember. I dread to think about a Relapse, ever, and am trying hard to not overload my sensitive nervous system, yet do what I can do and enjoy doing to make life a joyful experience. I am family oriented and have a good marriage, we are both committed and have been for over 4 decades. He is a rock for me and stayed at home for over 6 months during my worst times of dibiliation. I have some goals for my life that I’ve not yet finished, one being, getting my Bachelors Degree in Social Work. Last summer when I was struck down with depression/anxiety that took a life of it’s own, I had to drop out of classes. I have only a few courses to finish and am considering finishing at this point, but don’t want the stress/pressure that brought on this episode, along with a serious illness/neglect with my mother that required my time and energy all last summer. Any suggestions anyone, who can identify with what I’ve written here? Thanks and God bless, Sheri



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doris

posted August 2, 2007 at 2:46 pm


i have suffered with depression off and on all my life. most people dont understand depression. they poo poo it like it is just the blue state of mind that most people get.
even with prozac or any other medication, i still get up in the morning depressed. there is nothing in my life right now that is causing this. it is something that just stays there. sometimes, if i am lucky, it goes away.
i hope someone reading this will know that they are not alone.



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Clarissa J. Skeeets

posted August 2, 2007 at 6:08 pm


God am I praying for you. I’ve gone through the same thing, years ago. I haven’t gotten drunk for over ten years, but I have gotten a bit tipsy in the past couple of years. I’m not sure if that’s relapse or what, but keep your chin up.



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ROBERT

posted August 2, 2007 at 7:12 pm


I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years too. However mine is based from bad memories(a bad breakup) , coupled with a medical condition (herpes virus) it causes me pain and depression. I get scared and think I cant sleep. I just stop sleeping, I guess I convince myself too. I dont Know ? it’s crazy and terrible.
I dont think I’m Bi-Polar, I never have had any mania smyptoms?
Can I have a test for Bi-Polar ? any advice or help ?



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Rosie

posted August 2, 2007 at 7:42 pm


Hello my name is rosie, I was reading this article about relapse and I really thought it was about drugs…. which make read it to see if I could help my husband….He is been and addict for long time and even though he suffers and get so mad everytime he relapse he is trying and trying to get out of a black hole he is in. I would like to ask to pray for him to heal from that evil habit. Thank you.



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Timothy

posted August 2, 2007 at 11:11 pm


It is nice to know I am not alone. One day I just collapsed was immediately admitted to the hospital. I was diagnosed with HIV in September 2006. I guess I came close to death in the hospital I was sick and not able to do simple things that we take for granted.Then my partner threw me out of the house. I got back into heavy drinking not really caring if I lived or died. I did wish every night to God to please let’s end this. I was tired of living. It was my family who asked me to come back home to Ohio. They all knew I had the disease. I came back on Christmas eve which I think poetic now that Jesus Christ was born on this day. I never thought about it and my family said I came home for a reason. I have amazed the doctors at my progress of getting better. Well I came home and I knew then I was so lucky to be alive and began doing the things I use to do before this. My writing helped me a lot, I got back into gardening with success. I adopted a dog who loves me no matter who I am. I have started a successful business and have been blessed. I met another person who knows my whole story and still loves me. I had been put on happy pills but have the option to take them or not. I don’t sure I have my down days who doesn’t I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel so blessed with my friends and family that I don’t need to take any meds. I am so grateful for the people at the hospital, they didn’t want to see me leave, and it is the kind of feeling I have never had before and if I did I didn’t know it, it is hard to describe to another person the joyful feeling I have, and I am hoping other people find it.This was a gift from God and I am so grateful to him.



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spiritualone

posted August 2, 2007 at 11:22 pm


Depressed ones: I have been there, hang in there and make sure you don’t stay on meds that don’t work, keep finding one that does along with the following tips that may help.
Meditation,prayer,all self help web sites. Don’t get too many going. Pick 3 constructive sentences a day for working on as far as goals, or to do list. Add more as you can but don’t throw in to much. Think positive-always-there is a silver lining and if you cannot find it be patient sometimes it cannot be seen right away. Kind of like if you look to hard you don’t see it but it was really there all along. Give your heart to helping others. I enjoy helping people who are NOT to far down and have become a bottomless pit that never makes progress. Be patient though, sometimes process is in the works while it is so close to bursting out.Working for charity or volunteer organizations will make you feel better. Just staying busy, reading, sorting/organizing, cleaning, taking care of pets, being outside in nature are all therepeutic. The best thing is to get out of the house. Staying in all the time is like the enemy winning your soul. Go out and about breath in the fresh air. Set a timer on your phone or watch to remind you to stop and find something(s) to be grateful for every thirty minutes if necessary. Use color therepy. Read, read, and read some more. Follow a simple goal oriented program. Do yoga, exercise and eat fruits, veggies,grains,and some meat. No junk. trust me it will throw your emotions into a tailspin. Get out of the rut of “poor me” you have got to try to CREATE a GOOD reality. Don’t let your mind get carried away with negatives. Flick them out of your brain and replace with good things about yourself, then add more daily, that way you will do more and try more to have something to add to be grateful and loving to yourself for. Oh, last but not least, don’t get involved with bad company and don’t allow the internet to take you down a confusing, double-triple or so meaning of interpretations. Don’t be involved with people who are dishonest,negative, or play games to get what they want for their ego agenda. There are very bad people out there and there are good ones to so BE CAREFUL AND USE YOUR INTUITION AND GUT INSTINCT. You are probably right- have facts and not paranoyia.



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laggin behind for the moment

posted August 3, 2007 at 3:20 am


I can identity with anxiety,depression,mental illness, relapse. Lately, I’ve been in a funk. I,officially went on vacation from my job this week. I did’nt have any money to go any or nowhere. Having to rely on another for my happiness . I’m going to school and working a very crazy shift that conflicts with my school schedule. I made it thru the first semester, but I’m not satisfied with the grade I recieved. I’m very grateful that I am able to go to school and work a full time job . I was taught that what don’t kill you make you stronger. This experience is and eye opener for me. I’m angry that I have a job that has low pay for now. I believe that I should be able to take my family on a real vacation. Another thing I need to count my blessing for. I have a job and I actually working toward a better paying job and better life for my family, I will stop complaining and cry about my situation and be grateful for the small things. Everything in life is a process. The sad thing is that I wanted to medicate myself with a substance and run from reality. I was bombarded with life on its terms, and I wasn’t ready to deal with it on my own terms.



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coping

posted August 3, 2007 at 6:17 am


a note to spiritual one..thank you so much for your insight on the subject..your response moved me and was so beneficial to the subject at hand. I have been pretty depressed over a broken realtionship as well as many upheavels in my life…I am on well butrin..have been for a few months..I still have my moments where i break down and cry only because of the pain and hurt i feel..what you said helped and i am going to try to get through this but just wanted to say thank you for taking time to share what you have learned..maybe it will help so many…



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keykawe

posted August 3, 2007 at 8:05 am


I have never felt compelled to write about anything before but I can relate to much that has been said here, I have my own issues; I grew up the only child of an abusive mother, both physically and mentally. Afterwitch I chose only men that would treat me the way I was accustomed to. I have just been left buy a man that I thought I could really have something with. I have been single for almost 2 years and have gone through the most ugly divorce………… I lost everything fiancially. I have never been so far inside this arena that I exist in now, one of denial, hurt, blame, shame, rejection, fear, and so much more. I had always envisioned that when becoming an adult things would be so much better. I see I was incorrect…I always look to every one else to make me happy due to my not seeing my own self worth….I am starting to understand this due to people like the ones who have written here………I wish you to know that it is so appreciated that you are willing to share…….I also feel now that I am not alone with this difficult life…….. I will never surrender to those that wish to destroy me they do not deserve the power to do that. I have spent the majority of my life trying to appease and take care of everyone else…….THANK YOU FOR ASSISTING ME TO SEE …
Now I will begin to live and not just exist anymore, the time is now……….May God Bless you all and guide you to understanding and having the strength to be strong and successful………
keykawe



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Jeana Prescott

posted August 3, 2007 at 12:46 pm


As I read what everyone has written, it is like reading something that I have written over the last 20 years of my life. I am 4 years in my recovery and life is so beautiful now. I spent 17 years abusing myself and others and today I am so blessed. God saved me from my HELL, called addiction. I spent many years in denial, shame, guilt and blame. I told myself that I wanted to change, that I was trying to change but I couldn’t.. Finally when the Iron doors of a jail cell closed behind me for the third time, I was finished. I still prayed to what felt like emptiness, but I didn’t stop. I finally believed that I could change, but understood that I couldn’t do it my way. I thought it was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life, but now I see that it is so much easier than the HELL I lived in for all of those years. I work with people like myself now everyday trying to share and give back what I have been given. I have remarried to a wonderful man who loves me despite my past, we just bought a new home and I see my family everyday of the week, I take no medication now and I believe in myself and life and people. Never give up, happiness is there you just have to believe it.



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Nicole Farrow

posted August 3, 2007 at 3:30 pm


Wow it’s easy to be in this place (depression/anxiety) and think that you’te here alone. It’s been well over 15 years that I’ve battled this thing in various forms; trichotillomania, hypochondria, major depression and most recently anxiety attacks. I’ve seen periods of happiness but they are becoming fewer and further between. I still know that if I can just hold on things will get better because, well, they have to. I realize that God didn’t bring me to it to not bring me through it. So I say to all just hold on. If for no other reason except there won’t be any of this suffering on the other side.



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Lisa

posted August 3, 2007 at 5:05 pm


I have bipolar as well and fight depression daily.This heat is not helping but I am hanging in.I hope you do too!



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Anonymous

posted August 6, 2007 at 11:03 am


I opened my e-mail this morning and found this message which intrigued me. I am so glad I did. I am fifty, I just suffered a mini-stroke and trying to recover from it. I am one of those type A personalities woman, never finding enough time to do what I think is important. But trying to do Everything is not important! I am! I have had to relearn I cannot please everyone and the more I do, ther more they want from you. Of course, children are an exception no matter what age they are. I got divorced from my fourth husband last November and then he had a stroke a week later. He was very abusive to me, left me without a car, bills unpaid etc… The doctor said he could not live by himself so I brought him home again and nursed him back to health. Now he is better, but I had the stroke. Then I realized I could not keep him here because he is sapping he life out of me and I will die eventually. So, I have asked him to leave so I can take care of myself. You see, while I was in the hospital, the doctors found a blockage in my brain. I know my Good Lord guided me to take the path to take care of my ex, because he has Blessed me over and over again, but I know he loves me too, and my family needs me also and my new grandson, not this man who thinks the world revolves around him. So he has found his apartment and will be leaving very soon. Of course, he does not want to leave. Rethink about your priorities, I realize now how short life really is. Thank you, Elia.



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Lynne

posted August 8, 2007 at 8:55 pm


It is amazing, as to how many individuals feel tormented. One thinks they are alone and suddenly, the world is filled with anxieties, strugglesand similar concerns.
Not that the suffering of others is comforting…….but, to know that one is not alone in feeling depressed, futile and tortured….is somewhat enlightening.
I feel as if I am getting sucked intoa drain, as when the water is finalized at the end of a shower and bath. The circular whirlpool towards the end, is a force not to be reckoned with.
This is how my soul and my inner most feelings have been, since November.
I often wonder if there is a way out. I thinkmy intelligence and the helpofG-d, shall lead me forward…..into a more desirable and positive field.
I certainly pray for this to occur.



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Renee'

posted August 9, 2007 at 8:14 am


you go girl , after a while the demons give up . they do not have any new tricks there always the same so as you build your strength a spiritual knowledge the obvious demons are now a look at wow just how easy they are to pick out of the emotion. awareness of their attck right when you dive in that pool of major depression, in important.
time will tell and consistacy in the fight is on your side so keep the battle up and be aware of how this changes the awareness of their turning the doorknob, SLAM THE DOOR



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Anonymous

posted August 9, 2007 at 8:43 am


I’ve been crying for 3 days now. feeling helpless and hopeless and worthless.My therapist told me I just had about 5 good weeks. NOT manic but more in the middle. I don’t believe her. I am still up all night tonight and spent most of the last 2 weeks sleeping. My favorite coping skill (avoidance)Wish I could will it cuz I am wide awake; thoughts going 100 miles an hour.What is a relapse mean when I get depressed or when I am manic and act out? or both? Will I ever be able to finf a happy medium? Have tried all kinds of meds and none seem to work for very long. I am getting ready to check out a day program I have been avoiding cuz it feels like I am going backwards. I used to facilatate support groups for battered women with substance abuse issues! I was so happy then and so full of purpose and I practiced what I preach. Where did all that go? Jnuts



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Karla Sanchez

posted August 9, 2007 at 3:31 pm


Thanks for reminding me that it will get better.



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Debbie

posted August 9, 2007 at 11:52 pm


We often feel so isolated in our stuggles to maintain our sanity. It is encouraging to find that sometimes when we’re feeling run down and sunk low, we are given the opportunity to hear someone else’s personal story and stuggles. We are gently reminded that we are not alone but part of a much bigger group of human beings all beautiful, all loveable, all exceptional and all dealing with similar issues. Their struggles and humility touch a place deep within us as we identify and relate to their situation. It is this realization that we are connected emotionally and spiritually to each other, that gives us a moment where we stop and nod a silent prayer of encouragement and hope-filled blessings back to them and then summon up a renewed strength to carry on again.
Blessings to you in all you do. Thank you for sharing your struggles and helping me find strength in mine.



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zoya

posted August 10, 2007 at 8:09 am


Beautifully expressed and your voice speaks comfort to my soul to me. Here’s something that I feel will be inspiring as well… ” If you can’t be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape ” You are exactly where you need to be and never forget it’s only Temporary….
Peace !



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LJ Nauman

posted August 10, 2007 at 2:39 pm


I am greatful for your honesty and just being you inspite of your own expectations of why you cannot be rid of the illness for good.
We still live in a society that just don’t get it and would prefer to deny or pretend this could not happen to them. We actually are a reflection in a mirror they just don’t want to immagine possible.
Sometimes, my worst image of myself cannot compare to their own fears.
I have often said to people who don’t understand, it takes courage to live and it takes courage to die. It’s human nature to judge those who give up. The truth is some lose their hope because their pain is too great. They need help, but hide their condition so well because they are ashamed and full of false guilt. And there is the agony of all the piercing lies we accept from the demons of the past and present.
I have found over many years that self forgiveness and forgiving others who haunt our minds is healing to the soul and gives rest to the weary. We don’t understand why we get out of control, but understand that healing is possible through faith, love, and hope.
I am not healed. I may never be….but my life is precious and each day is a challenge, especially when I thank the Lord for my life and his love for me. Helping others who need someone to care helps me become stronger and gives me the opportunity of looking outside of myself and gives me hope.
Thank you for your sense of hope even when you feel like you’ve lost.
You are an inspiration to many.



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Marti

posted August 10, 2007 at 4:20 pm


Raised poor and on welfare, with an alcoholic mother and deserted by our father, only through the grace of God, we’re all grown now. All in our 40′s at this point and all but one holds a job, all but one is drug free and hasn’t had any run ins with the law. All are prone to depression and fight it daily.
We learned at an early age – you have to face life on life’s terms.
If not the drugs and alcohol will take over your life.
Not that surprisingly, somehow, we all married into hectic lives of addictions. We joyfully jumped onto the rollercoaster ride from hell with an addict.
Why? I think we were so browbeaten as children that anyone with a compliment must have been nice – because they found worth in “us”. Yet the every people we loved and married had some (or all) of the same characteristics as one of our parents – and we became their emotional hostage.
After 10 years of being married to an addict, I kept finding MYSELF suffering from depression due to HIS actions. I let HIS acitons control my ability to live my life.
NO MORE! I am stopping the roller coaster. I’m not giving any more of my life towards a selfish self-centered person. Yes, we have done the NA, AA, therapist, church, marriage counseling, and several 28 day programs. The addict in my life has had every opportunity to “get help”. He has gotten “help” with dealing with his upper middle class upbringing, the fact his parents made him go to a jr after he was kicked out of a major university, the list of reasons go on and on.
At this point I just don’t see where “finding a prior problem” is part of a cure for him.
He is going to use whether I’m here or not.
He is going to create excuses to use whether I’m here or not.
He is going to destroy himself whether I am here or not.
All this has nothing to do with loving someone. My addict will love me to death! Literally! It’s about taking care of ME this time – no one is going to do it for me – except me!



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Betti

posted August 10, 2007 at 8:16 pm


I have never written a comment B-4 and hope I can show my appreciation apporiatley for everyone else who bothered to jot their thoughts down. I really enjoyed reading how all who wrote got thru some of their “bad days” and came out on top! I still pray everyday for the addict out there who is still suffering and hasn’t found their way into recovery yet. I’m only 6 months clean and still have problems with “stinkin thinkin” and have to try hard to keep my mind on positive thoughts. It’s hard and anyone who has been thru detox and recovery knows this. Pls try not to sit in judgement of those who relapse because tomorrow it might be U. I was a paramedic for 17 years and after 5 arrests my professional license was revoked and my career was over. Now, I’m virtually unemployable and have to find another way to make a living. I lost most all my family members {they R unable to trust me anymore}and most of my friends so let me hear from you all again, I need new freinds!!!!!



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Jordan

posted August 13, 2007 at 10:06 pm


I have been feeling both the ups and downs of depression lately. Your story has just spoken to me. I many times feel like I’m alone and scared frightened ect.. Reading your story has just comforted me beyond belief. It is nice knowing that thousands of others are going through the same things.



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Julie S

posted August 14, 2007 at 9:52 am


Well Hello!
I know THAT person! I too, am “Miss Inspirational” happy-happy-joy-joy and somedays can’t find a place to scream long enough or loud enough. My husband, my children, my friends, my family all seem to believe that if I just get out of my chair, my house, my rut, I’ll be Miss happy-happy-joy-joy again. It frustrates the absolute Dickens out of me that they seem to be in denial even more than I am.
AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Now – that helped THANKS FOR BEING REAL!



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Donna A.

posted August 21, 2007 at 12:56 pm


Simply beautiful, real and encouraging.



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Blanche

posted August 23, 2007 at 2:07 pm


If I can’t take care of me, through Him, how can I take care of the rainforest?
Seriously, we all have our ups & downs, and it’s so comforting to know that we’re not alone. Thank and God Bless all of you.



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Suzanne

posted August 25, 2007 at 12:05 am


Oh my God! I mean that in a very good way! I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disease and when I read your story, I thought someone had just opened my brain and let everyone know what was going on inside! The list of treatments, whether it be vitamins, medication, therapy, meditation, swimming, listening to music and/or positive affirmations, painting, getting enough sleep, etc. etc. etc. I still have episodes that last hours, days, weeks and months which feels like a lifetime without a REAL break! It is A dark, scary, lonely, SOMETIMES SUICIDAL place. I’m 57, just last week, and I wonder will I die while having an episode or will they find a complete cure before then? I have days when I’m not sure there is a God. The only thing I am sure of is that I have gotten through them, because here I am and I’m feeling pretty great! I now realize that it is what it is for today, and I do pray that I’ll be able to continue making it through each time. It is very easy for me to say this because I’m not in an episode. The times I am, I don’t want to connect with anyone at all. That is when I go back to my therapist, like I would if I had a medical problem that required me to go to my family doctor or specialist. Thank you so much for your honesty – it is very powerful when we can connect with life and people even when it’s the darkest. I haven’t gotten there as you have, but I continue to pray that I will.



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Pam Faulkner

posted August 27, 2007 at 3:13 pm


Although life has its own ups and downs, a person’s inner communication can have a world of its own. It seems to happen more in women and especially women who are intelligent, articulate, and need constant mental preparation for events and activities–like taking a shower and brushing our teeth somedays. We need constant assurrances that we will recover, or we will crash. We are brain firing pistons that shoot electrical energizers who shoot energy into every aspect of our body, only to have adrenaline overloads into emotional outbursts, sometimes saying the wrong things, which causes guilt, and finally we look for ways out fo our dilemna. We are controlling ourselves by lack of controlling ideas. And we find solace in the couch, the television show lives of others, and sometimes an occasional phone call with someone who is as bad or worse than ourselves. When we want to get better, we don’t or can’t and we have our pasts to blame and also our futures when they are dismally seen. Our present is actually on stage, on hold, and on task at the moment to cause pause to our next steps–which are not visible to everyone to see. The ones who love us most do not understand and may even call us names or give up on us–this only asserbates the dilemna or it may precipitate it since it might be a good move in the end to find the ones around us that don’t desert us when we are down. We nned compassion, therapy, the right food, job, church, and faith to withstand. When those don’t work, then the medicine and biofeedback methods will need explored. Find a good therapist. They are worth the money and the time it takes to get off the couch. Pam F.



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charlotte faris

posted August 31, 2007 at 6:21 pm


I absolutely know what you are feeling and about what’s going on right now. I have never been diagnosed with in particular disorder, I do, at times, feel the way you you do. Everything and everyone I care about, keeps me going and feeling like life is still worth the mental anghish that I feel at the time, but even those feelings will fail me, at times, I want to be in a dark room with the covers over my head, until it passes, and I again feel like life is worth the occasional set back, I also know that as I get older, these episodes seem more frequent, despite the fact I am on an antidepresent and see a therapist on a regular basis.



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Evelyn M.

posted September 10, 2007 at 8:02 am


Wow… With the exception of the age of the child in this blog, I could have been reading my own story. (Well, I don’t do the healthy vitamin thing either. I am not diagnosed bi-polar although having spent ten years in the mental health field myself, I do know that I could have ten doctors and get a different diagnosis from each of them. I suppose the actual name doesn’t much make a difference as much as the suffering does. I’ve always seen mental illness in a different light though. Where other people might say a person is missing a few cards in the deck, I see it as having extra cards that we just don’t know what to do with.. like those darn jokers. That’s why they are always wild. The reason I’ve waited so long from the day this blog was posted to actually read it is because I was in the middle of a depression relapse myself. I am only just now begining to crawl far enough away from the edge of that hole again to peer over the edge frightfully and with gratitude for not having fallen in. Having been spared (once again) despite being so unworthy (haven’t yet worked out the whole regaining of self-esteem yet)… I fall back on a thought I had this weekend when I ran into some of my old co-workers. I stopped counseling just under a year ago because I felt like a complete fraud since I was struggling so much myself. I am reconsidering that notion today as I wonder what my next step should be. Any tips on how to deal with those feelings of “how dare I try to work someone else out of a depression when I have a hard enough time functioning in the average world myself”? Now don’t get me wrong.. I have no real desire to live an ordinary life. I just wonder about perhaps one with less debilitating lows. I find that when I look back, I am at my most artistic (poetically) when I am internally in torment. During my highs, I am simply much more effective. Some middle ground would be a relief…



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Patricia B.

posted September 13, 2007 at 3:23 am


The elusive middle ground,to find it would be like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Seems I feel more efficient during my highs although I can’t seem to remember much. I’m going so fast both mentally and physically that I have to make myself stop and breath,I tend to hyperventilate,and tend to have to pee alot. Then when I ‘come down’,both mentally and physically I am exhausted and at the extreme opposite of high. Still trying to figure out what may trigger either. Am still in the waiting phase of trying to find the right Dr. and the correct combo of meds and have an appt with a shrink next week and I’m really looking forward to maybe some help!! The waiting is the hardest part sometimes.Everyday sucks….sometimes! Hang in there! My prayers are with you!!



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Helen

posted September 17, 2007 at 8:44 pm


Hi,
I wanted to thank-you for dedicating yourself to being honest and writing on here. I, too, suffer from depression and anxiety from time to time and in heavy duty ways. I have noticed that your diagnosis, Theresa, has changed from a depressive to bipolar. It seems that there are some great people around me who are also getting the same diagnosis. Almost like it’s becoming the catch-all drawer for dysphoric moods and aggitation and anxiety. Do you ever feel that this may just be a spiritual journey and not anything to do with a chemically imbalanced brain? I see this kind of debate going on in here all the time. I debate it with myself. I feel like if this is a true chemical imbalance than I’m in big trouble. If it’s a spiritual journey than I have control over it and can undo potential anxiety and depression if I just learn to trust myself more or to sit calmly in the “not knowing” of life that sometimes makes me feel so awful and scared. It (anxiety and depression) always comes on when I am in a place of big transition. Do you find that maybe this could be the case for all of you? Simply the sensitive way you react when life brings you BIG curve balls? It always seems to be situationally appropriate, in other words, my depression and anxiety. Just interested in others and what they feel about this topic.



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J

posted September 20, 2007 at 2:42 pm


I am a dissabled man (50 yrs old)and am having these extremly cold waves of sinking heart depression. No exageration here. Very scary. I am no stranger to Depression but never physical like this. Actually double you over with this Cold Stomp directly into the Center of my Chest.
This is Very Scary to me! Arms and Legs go cold also.
I know that I need desperately to get out more?? Volunteer somewhere helping unfortunates like myself or something like that. Are there any medications that make this go away? I am too young for this. Any Advise?
I also am not looking for sympathy~this is just Scary.
“J”



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Janet

posted September 29, 2007 at 1:12 pm


Sincerity and rigorious honesty at it’s best!!!Not sure how you appeared in my emails.but miradcles do happen!I am a 44 year old mother of 2 work is also working a 12 step program on a daily sometime minute to minute program.i am thrilled to read your work and even though you are in differant places from day to day ,your sharing makes this sobergirl feel not so differant from the world.By you opening up and being brave enough to put it “out there” for others to read i want you to know that you help me .And in turn I pass it on.I look forward to reading more and I must say to you THANK YOU.hugs-J in WI



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beth

posted October 9, 2007 at 1:32 pm


me too, i have felt different all my life, since i was a little girl i am sure i was depressed i didnt know it then but i can look back and remember a hollow feeling, i have been on 20 mg of paxil for 10 years now, i have never been pyschotic, sometimes with that dreaded anxiety feeling the one that is in every part of your body happens i get such a feeling of lightheadedness and a spacy feeling that i say this is it i am going off the deep end, i have good support, and i have faith but when the doubts come rushing in and the insecuritys are ringing the doorbell all you want to do is block it all out….



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mulberry

posted November 29, 2007 at 2:51 pm


I had ECT (shock therapy) in the spring. I was hospitalized for almost a month. I am drug resistent – nothing has ever worked for me, and I have taken as many as 14 anti-depressants a day. I am tired of explaining to people what depression is & why I can’t “snap out of it”. I wish I could. I am educated – past masters level, but I am not working now. Some days I have a hard time even speaking. There is nothing in the fuure that I look forward to at all. I wonder if people can see how “nuts” I am when they look at me. I avoid almost everyone, and I know this has become a viscious cycle for me where I am lonely, but unable to speak or be with anyone.
16 years with 3 different psychiatrists, two long term counselors, long term hospitalization, every pill on the market & ECT. What more is there to try?



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Greg Paul

posted December 22, 2007 at 10:53 pm


I have just been reading some of the commecnts on this page and hope that you find the answers to oversome your trevails. I would encourage you all to look at the web site http://www.cchr.org. It is a human rights site and will give you some help finding the direction to look fior the answers.



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kim

posted January 1, 2008 at 7:54 am


I have a daughter that is 25 years old and has bipolar 1 and 2 I feel for all of you that have this or depression.My daughter self medicated herself on meth and is embarresed about her condition.Has been in trouble with the lawa facing 6 to 12 years in prison because nobody cares about the depression just the addiction and what it has caused her to do. She finally has come to realize that she does have a brain disease and I’m getting her the help she needs.She would get in a corner and yell mommy mommy and she is 25. she would go snd buy 12 packs of socks come home and say why did i buy all these. The ones that are suffering please just say a prayer to Jesus he listens and he will help and talk to him i do this everyday 2 or 3 times a day and feel so much better after i do.He us your father and best friend , I will say a prayer for all of you and if you ever need to talk email me i wil be your friend. God bless you all.



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Valerie Klaassen

posted January 4, 2008 at 11:24 am


Every time I walk into my house and my husband and I are by ourselves, and he would suggest me to do the right thing, I would interrupt him before he says two word, and put my hands on things and keep on grasping into things without even giving myself a chance to stop and think before I do anything. Sometimes, I do things without even asking my husband first. This is beyond my means and getting way out of hand for me, and it is way over my husband’s head. Every time I go see a specialist, I keep coming home and repeat the same rituals and wrongs, I don’t care what it is. All this really does is keep my husband stay on edge, upset, and nervous and uncomfortable, and I do not like it. I am sick and tired of having these problems with all of these bad habit I keep carrying around in me all the time for 52 years including 25 years in my marriage since Al got married to me. I cannot keep living like this. I do not have to see a doctor for this, I am wanting to do is to do my part by stopping and staying stopped and do what is right. What should I do to correct this and help my self to be responsible for these mistakes to correct them and make it right? Thank you for your time.
Cordially,
Valerie Klaassen



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susan white

posted January 17, 2008 at 4:00 pm


have you tried EFT (it works wonders)



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WildeGarden

posted February 2, 2008 at 10:21 am


I am so thrilled to find this site! It makes me wonder where the heck I’ve been on the ‘net lately!
First, let me introduce myself. I’m a registered nurse, 53 years of age, and female. My nursing specialty is psychiatric nursing. I work in a 30-bed short-term crisis care unit for indigent clients, and I’ve been doing this for almost two years.
Before that position, I worked in a state mental hospital for three years.
Now for the fun part: I’m an RN, usually witty and clever, and fun to be around, or so I’ve been told. However, I’m also an older woman with Bi-Polar I disease (mixed type). I have good years, and then I’ll have a short relapse – my last (and longest)relapse was in the winter of 2001. During that winter, I was so withdrawn – I rarely got out of bed other than to take my Great Dane out to do his potty-thing. Otherwise, I was a shell of a woman – I hung curtains over all the windows to hide out the sun, for I feared the sun. For a woman who had been essentially without fear for most of my life, this fear was new, and terrifying. I often stayed on my little bed in in the fetal position, with the cover over my head, unless I had to get up to let out my dog-pal. Then back to the comforting nest of my little bed. Food wasn’t a problem – I just didn’t eat. I drank milk, but didn’t eat. I lost 30 pounds during January and February.
I had others who were willing to bring me the necessities: milk, bread, coffee, baloney. But I didn’t leave that house for nearly a year.I just KNEW that something would happen if I left that house – but I just couldn’t put my finger on what “might” happen. Sure sounds like agoraphobia to me!
I was finally given a bed courtesy of the state of Florida. It took three months, but they saved my life. I was started on an anti-epileptic medication which truly did smooth out my moods. My fear disappeared, except for occasional twinges of fear that I might someday re-visit that “dark place” inside my mind.
I was discharged three months after my admission. I could write a BOOK!
(But I had to have money, so I got a job as a charge nurse in the state psychiatric hospital in which I was a patient for three months.)
Back to now….it’s the second day in February, and my mood is just a teeeeeny bit better than it was yesterday. You see, I, like so many others, go into my cave in mid-January and don’t want to come out till March 1. And it’s not fun!
I’ve learned one thing, one very important key to living through the sad days. They will pass. They WILL pass. I’ll be back in my greenhouse and gardens in no time, I know – but why do the days in February pass so slowwwly?
Another thing I’ve learned is to take it very easy on myself. No rash self-judgments. If the “I’m so dumb and stupid” thoughts come – and they will – I repeat my mantra: “This too will pass.”
Then, during the first week of March in my part of the country, trees are budding, flowers are poking through the earth, the garden is tilled and I can finally plant the “babies” I’ve nursed in the greenhouse all winter. (By the bye, I recommend a greenhouse, or an area of the house where flowers can be started early. This activity – this work- brings me out of myself and reminds me that we – the flowers and I- have once again gotten through the “dark times”, and spring is definitely around the corner.



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Linda

posted February 3, 2008 at 3:09 pm


Oh, and I forgot the most depressing, worrisome thing of all in this, my prison of depression. FINANCES! I am in so much financial trouble I just can’t see the end of the tunnel. Long story short, I finally worked my way up to being able to buy my little house almost 3 years ago, fixed my credit, and kept to a budget. But the family crisis last year caused financial chaos with medical and legal expenses. Now I’m up the creek without a paddle, in danger of losing everything I’ve worked for. I’m forcing myself to look for another job, but I don’t know how I’ll manage when I do find one unless I’m better by then. It seems so impossible to catch up. We are so behind on bills.
I have had this fantasy of running my own bookshop for as long as I can remember. You know the “Shop Around the Corner” in the movie, “You’ve Got Mail”? Meg Ryan’s character is the shop-owner. That’s the picture I have in my head of my fantasy bookshop, just like hers. So since I lost my job in December I’ve been doing research on how to go about making my dream come true. The two biggest things I need to get started is money and good credit. I have neither anymore and even if I did we are so behind on bills that I would be hard pressed to make a living at it. But I put myself in that bookshop sometimes when I’m feeling the old, too familiar angst of depression and it makes me feel safe and good. I feel foolish having that dream. Doesn’t everyone want to own a bookstore? What makes me think that I could actually one day run one? What makes me so special? Silly me. Lofty dream. Foolish.



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Brandy Miller

posted February 3, 2008 at 5:07 pm


Way to go, Therese! You are doing exactly what you need to do: Remind yourself that this valley is temporary, and that you will get past it. The valleys can be frightening, they can feel cold and lonesome but remember that you NEVER have to walk them alone. Cry out, if you need to, and you will find that there are others who will grab hold of your hand and walk with you. You’re not immune to the darkness, none of us are, but the light is just within reach.



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Miguel A Ariieta

posted February 7, 2008 at 5:08 pm


sometimes is a nightmer know beterr but do less. My recovery is geeting beter but some times i lost it and wen i lestexpected goinback to drugs and alchool today i am good learning to forget the past renwing my mind with positive accions and thougt.But still something in me that want o loss my mind reality is bord.



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joanna

posted February 9, 2008 at 8:45 pm


May God cradle you while you cry. He will keep you safe and warm. I am saddened with the many many sad people in this column. They have got to find out how to heal this completly. Too many people suffer from it, and it is suffering. The darkness is so dark. But we sure appreciate the sun so much more when it comes. Too bad we have to keep looking behind us, running from the depression. I am lifting you up. I don’t wear flip-flops. I wear crocs and I have been told by people that they are jealous of my crocs. Go figure. I tell them I get them at Walmart $8.98. The jealousy is in the way my feet look in them. Go figure. No one has taken them though. My sister has hid them on me, she will be 70 this year. I bought her a pair of crocs. at Walmart. She was happy. joanna



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Lidilla

posted February 14, 2008 at 11:22 pm


I know what you are going thru. There are times that I have gone on that endless roller coaster ride of emoyions never knowing where it began or where it will end. I am in a 12 Step program of recovery and when I feel compelled to act ou all I can do is remember the first step which is that I am powerless over people, places and things, and should I try to control any thing outside of me, that it only makes my life unmanagable. Step 2 Helps me to remember to believe that the God of my understanding can restore my sanity. and Step 3 is That I make the decision any time, day or night, to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him. Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness are the spiritual foundation of my life today. When that roller coaster comes by, I don’t have to get on so long as I Believe! THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!!!!! love yourself!



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Laura

posted February 22, 2008 at 11:15 am


Thank you so much for your writing. It is nice to know that even successful writers go through bouts of depression and suffer from multiple issues, as well. Sometimes I feel I have way too many “diagnoses” and start to doubt myself. Am I really suffering from so many problems? Am I just looking for attention or a miracle pill for life? With eveything I do, i.e. stay on top of my program, see the doctor, exercise and try to eat as healthy as I possibly can, I still struggle with depression and forgetfulness. I try to do everything that is suggested by others, but it gets overwhelming sometimes and sometimes there just isn’t enough time in a day or even a week! I guess that’s why I start wishing there was one pill to fix everything. But there never will be and I have to accept that and accept that I am still human and will go through these bouts of whatever sometimes. Your words remind me of that and remind me that I am not alone. You are an inspiration!



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Jennifer

posted February 28, 2008 at 9:55 am


I hope you don’t mind if I link to your story. I’ve been having a horrible bout with my own depression, and it’s nice to find other people out there, with whom you can relate. If this is a problem, please let me know!!!



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Lori

posted February 28, 2008 at 10:11 am


WOW 177 comments. You are loved.
I have had an amazing breakthrough and will email you when I get done with this day.
very hopeful.
and This too shall pass



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Bev

posted February 28, 2008 at 10:15 am


Dear Therese,
Our history repeats & repeats BUT we always are able to reach the good side of life. I was glad to read the words you wrote last summer; it means that somehow you/me/we will get thru this together.
Last night I saw “Twelve Angry Men” at the Repertory Theater. Wow, was there much anger, feelings, near fights, logical men, some not in touch with reality BUT all working on the same jury to find someone guilty or not guilty.
I see a parallel with our lives. Most days we wouldn’t go thru all of this “shit.” It gave me insight to see the different personalities & their level of coping. This of course goes for us as well.
The next movie I want to see will be a chick flick with humor. And in the dark theater I can eat, cry, laugh………..just be me.



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Nanette

posted February 28, 2008 at 10:24 am


You’re in my prayers. I too have looked into that deep abyss more times than I care to count. I am bipolar, like you, and have had to deal with it my entire life (yes, my mother assures me that I was bipolar from the time I was born). Right now I am in a good place – I have a terrific doctor who has found the right combination of meds, an absolutely angel of a husband, and my family supporting me. But there are times when even all of these blessings are not enough. I awake each day with greatfulness to my Lord that I have another day of feeling well, for I know that this can change at any time. My illness has caused me to do many things that I wouldn’t have done otherwise. I am not proud of my actions but also know that I have been forgiven by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This knowledge helps me each day. But again, I realize that my bipolar can act up at any time. I feel for you, and again, pray for you that you can find the peace and answers that you are looking for.



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Sharon

posted February 28, 2008 at 10:28 am


I really don’t like to read but I find it sad to know other people are feeling as sad and lose as I am. I wish I could make them feel better. I also have physical problems along with the depression and anexiety that come back to haunt me. I had one and a half weeks of feeling happy and maybe having hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am in a partial program with a Psychiatist and nurse everyday. Along with therapist and other patients that have problem that are help with medications and coping tools. I was doing fine then I had and ER visit with bowel blockage and admitted in the hospital. I have again feel totally into that dark hole and hopelessness that I have been in most of my life. Trying to hide it from friends and children. I hope everyone who reads this can get to that light even if it only last for a week. It is a little bit of heaven I am sure.



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CherylR

posted February 28, 2008 at 10:37 am


Please, everyone, take a moment to pray for Therese to be delivered from the brink of the abyss, over and beyond it via a bridge of love, faith, hope, and guidance. The power of prayer en mass is proven. “Yea, though {she} walks through the valley….thou art with her.” And when she cannot go on anymore, He will carry her…..to the other side.



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Rev. Tracie Voss

posted February 28, 2008 at 10:39 am


Beautiful Therese…
First, hugs and love. Yes, this too shall pass, but you already knew that. You’re stronger than the disease.
Out of curiosity, have you considered different meds? I’ve just come out the other side of a really “long dark night of the soul.” I’d pulled back from my parish and even my friends and family. This has gone on for a good 6 months, and my sister finally pulled me aside ansd said, “I’m really worried about you. Please tell your therapist what’s really going on. I know you like to hide how bad it is.”
I promised her I would, so when I got up the nerve to tell the therapist about it, she looked at my meds and we discussed options. Sweetie, it’s a “night and day difference,” no exaggerating!
I still do the fish oil, the happy light, the exercise, the whole foods… all of it… but, for me, the right meds were the final “piece of the puzzle” I needed. Now, I feel like my old self again. The best part is that other ministers have told me they don’t hold my “leave of absence” against me, They were just glad to see me back to my old self, too.



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Pat

posted February 28, 2008 at 10:39 am


I really needed this today. I have been so deeply depressed for several days. I am tired, sick at my stomach and take it all out on my husband who had a liver transplant back in June. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and get myself back together.



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Susan

posted February 28, 2008 at 11:13 am


My prayers go out to you…Therese, your writing/sharing is such a gift to so many, including myself, and i know that your feelings will take a better turn soon.
Last night i watched Dr. Amen on PBS talk about brain functioning and the different systems in the brain. If you get a chance to see his program, it is filled with interesting and helpful information. He has a book “Change Your Brain, Change YOur Life” , and basically believes that the more we can do to support our brain’s functiong, the better we can feel.
But on those days when it is hard to even get up to do anything,the best things i have found to help, are prayer, mustering the strength to do something, even if not much, and looking ahead to a positive future, however possible. Also, reaching out for support, which i personally find hard, but helpful.
May today be the beginning of a better and brighter day!



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Graciela Gonzalez

posted February 28, 2008 at 11:19 am


I Know how you feel, I´m going thru a crisis myself. I can´t seem to find peace. Sometimes I just want to cry and the next day I´m happy and the next day its sadness or anxiety. I want to live well for my children and for myself too, and will keep praying for more faith and peace for all the people that have these types of crisis.



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Rick Lane

posted February 28, 2008 at 11:19 am


I know exactly what you are feeling. I am Bipolar and depressive with anxiety attacks. Please tell me what was the medication that was the ‘final piece of the puzzle’ as I have tried every one of them to no avail. All I seem to get are severe side effects with no relief. I try to eat healthy foods and exercise but sometimes I am just ‘paralyzed’. I do not wish to compare myself to people who have to rely on wheelchairs, however, this may be in totalaity worse in many ways as I can find no joy, engergy, or happieness in anything.
I got so tired of people telling me to just ‘shake it off’ or ‘pull yourself out of it’ that I have become almost a recluse.
It was interesting what the other reader said about her mother knew since childhood, mine told me the same thing after a Bipolar meeting she gratefully made me go to. She passed on 9/22/07 and even though I miss her terribly, I feel that she is more with me know in spirit than before.
Does anyone know of any medication that works? I would very much appreciate any suggestions. Only a person who suffers with this really knows how it feels. I had one psychiatrist tell me in a session where I kept repeating ‘you know’ and she said, “No, I don’t know, you have to tell me. It was at that time that I realized I was not going to get help there. The only people that really know are those who suffer from it. I am very discouraged and looking for some light in this dark place.



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Jimmy Moorer

posted February 28, 2008 at 11:31 am


Therese, first of all you will be in my prayers “enmasse”. I am not Bi-Polar but have fought Depression for several years and do know that helpless feeling of being at the bottom of that abyss which seems that there is no way out. Prsently I am not on any meds and have been in the happy mode(and this too shall pass)since the 1st of Feb., and at anytime I feel the anxiety starting to overtake me again I instantly hit my knees or just utter a silent prayer and then start working on my acceptance of the given Life Situation at the moment. But a very good book I found that has helped me tremedously is : RX for Worry, A Thankful Heart, Author James P. Gills, M.D. It is based on the Principals of the 12 Step program along with being scriptue based. It has taught me how to deal with my life problems on a daily basis.A lot of programs have the saying “one day at a time”, in my personal program I had to break it down even further not even to one hour or even one minute but 24 seconds at a time. Why ? Because when I am near the abyss or the jumping off point all I could manage was “24 seconds” at a time, this may seem anal to some but it worked for me. Good Luck to all and will keep you in my prayers. Thanks for letting me vent a little. Jimmy



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Elaine

posted February 28, 2008 at 11:48 am


Dear Therese,
I’d like to thank you for all of the support and comfort I have gotten in reading your struggles and successes with Bi-polar disorder as well as Addiction. I have been feeling the extreme symptoms of Bi-polar myself as of late. I get very discouraged and frustrated at times. I have been on a certain medication and I feel as if I am in a mental fog. I am hoping this will be lifted as I wein off one med. and try another. One of your readers expressed how a change of meds has improved the way she feels and I now have a feeling of hope that this too shall pass. I am grateful to have found Beyond Blue, as it offers me the support I so need with my dual diagnosis. Sincerely, Elaine



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nikki

posted February 28, 2008 at 11:54 am


i know what u r going throuhg, i ahve bipolar and depression with anxiety attacks i awas doing well until i lost my infant lst may. my heart goes out to u and u r in my prayers.



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Lisa

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:03 pm


Dear Therese,
THANK YOU so much for your hard work. Both at home and for Beyond Blue. I’m struggling again with depression and panic attacks. But bonding together as a group, getting support and inspiration from you and all who share their demons,their daily trials,the extraordinary effort that we all give just to get through the day. That is helpful to me. And I know it is helpful to others. You ARE making a difference. You are contributing to your community. You are SUCCESSFUL in your job. You are a WONDERFUL mother. No mom that is as conscientious as you is a bad mom. All your children need is Love and Honesty. And it is obvious that you give that to them.
As I sit here for the 5th day of suspension from my work, feeling guilty for my behavior, angry at my co-workers for not understanding, hopeless that I will live the life that I have been striving for the past 20 years and praying to GOD that my daughters will not be afflicted with this illness. I feel overwhelmed and helpless.
But I’m thankful for YOU and I’m WITH you. Things will get better. I’ve been through this before as you have. But it is scary and isolating. Hold on. We ARE strong. Pray, exercise, talk, be kind and forgiving to yourself and remember you are NOT alone.
With love , respect, and thanksgiving,
Lisa R.



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Terri Davis

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:07 pm


Sometimes I wish I were bipolar then at least I would have some up times. I feel like I am sinking further and further down with each day. I just want to stay in bed all the time. I have no joy in my life at all. I really just want to die but then I feel guilty for that because of my children. I have no direction at all. It is all I can do just to get out of bed and clean up and alot of times I don’t even do that. I have been on just about all the different depression medications and none of them have really made a difference. I have been in hospitals and it has never really helped me either. I just feel so hopeless and life just isn’t worth living. Why can’t I just be a normal person?



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Trish

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:07 pm


Heck – you know what this is? February. Awful February, the worst month of the year. I thought I’d got away with it this time, because we’ve had a relatively mild, relatively sunny winter, but a few grey foggy days and boom, I’m flat on my back like Gregor Samsa. All my friends with depression are the same – suddenly feeling ghastly when we thought we’d got away with it. One is on some new meds (sorry, don’t know what they are) and hoping they’ll kick in soon, one is trying to wean himself off because the anxiety side effects are too dreadful. Me, meanwhile, well I’m clinging to my lightbox and waiting for spring….



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Reesie Thomasson

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:07 pm


Good morning Therese,
I am so glad that I took the time to read this email.
I don’t remember subscribing to this company, but it works for me.
My life is in a turmoil right now. Many things are going on.
God allowed me thiry years with my husband, who was twenty years older than me. He passed last January 9th.
Although I’ve accepted God’s Will to take him to glory, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. For many months during the year, I thought I had it all together. Super wife, super mom, super employee (haven’t worked since 2004), was my name for many many years!!! I kept myself adorned, wore a smile, and carried myself as a vibrant,stress free, intelligent woman.
never admitted to being bipolar AND I never will. For many months I wondered was my behavior normal. I practically lived at the doctor’s office. She referred me to a therapist. I refused to call the therapist, until one day I had a reality check. I knew that my mind was not on this side of the earth.
Being in the medical field for over thirty years was a great asset for me. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but my immune system began to act up. My therapist told me that I was normal. I needed to take off the mask that was keeping me in bondage. I needed to grieve properly and let others support me for a change. I needed to take some ME time.
She allowed me to vent for forty five minutes at a time. My therapist always made me her last client of the day, because I had so much to talk about. She often told me that I had a lot of interesting stories that I needed to put on paper. I’ve journaled since 2004 when my job down sized.
There’s so much more to be said.
My main concern is that I know that God is MY hightower, my everything.
Though it’s been declared that my home is about to go into foreclosure, my spirit says, “What God Has For Me Is For Me”. Whatever God wants for me, I am willing to accept. God is on my side; even when I think he is not listening to my prayers and my whinings.
Again, thank you, Therese, for being there to let God use you through inspirational writings. You never know what audience you might capture.



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Elaine

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:08 pm


Response to RICK LANE
I just finished reading your views on this site and I can so identify with what you are feeling. I too have been feeling as if the only comfort and understanding I will get is from someone else like myself. I visited a Dr. yesterday who actually made a statement to me which belittled my disease or the symptoms I described to him about my disease. He said I am the only patient who has ever complained about feeling as if my thinking is clouded and my memory has worsened. Support on sites like this from others who suffer the ill effects from Bi-polar, anxiety, PTSD, and such, help me to feel that I am a industrious and integral person who can FUNCTION in this world, maybe even just as well as anyone else who does not suffer from a these things. Hang in there and GOD bless, ELaine



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Deb

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:14 pm


Ended up in the hospital earlier this month due to severe depression which brought on excessive consumption of alcohol. Back to my aromatherapy – essential oils of peppermint, lavender, frankincense.
Depression is the pits but have had horrible experience with anti-depressants, they made me frantic.



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Bonnie

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:35 pm


Thank you Therese. I have been fighting depression for 14 years. I was diagnosed with bipolar 3 years ago. I have a little better grip on it but still have my flare ups. The merry go round in my head. I have no support from my family (mother, father, sister, sister who is actually a Dr., or brother who is actually a nurse.) They want to blame it on my husband. What they don’t know is he saved my life about 2 years ago. He realized I was pushing everyone away-our two kids and him. So I could leave this crazy world behind. He pulled me back in and I can say that he has to be one of the most understanding husbands there is. Considering marriages usually fail if one has bipolar. I thank God for him everyday. I don’t have too many friends because of moving from job to job for my husband (he works in a factory as a production manager) We all know how the upper management cleans house every 3-4 years. Mom and dad don’t undrstand that. Neither does the rest of my family. I do wish I had some support group where I could meet people in my same situation. Just to have someone to talk to helps. My husband was without a job for over a year and we are being relocated to GA. We haven’t had any insurance for this time so that doesn’t help. I have been able to stay on my Wellbutrin which is extremely expensive and can’t buy generic (it’s not the same) Our family has basicly been turned upside down for the last year and a half. One point I look at it as a new starting point but am scared to death of the future. I guess I should look for a support group on beliefnet. Any ideas? Thanks so much for listening(reading). Bonnie



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Debra Kay

posted February 28, 2008 at 12:43 pm


I understand how you feel. I am struggling a bit now too, and concerned family watching to see if I’m going to tank just makes it worse…cause you can’t feel better just to make others happy, ya know?



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Cathy Hailey

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:00 pm


Hi Therese,
It’s been awhile since I last wrote you and has been awhile since I have been on the internet for any length of time. Dec. 3rd I went to the hospital, had been sick on and off for about 7 weeks and could not figure out why I was all of a sudden sick because for the most part I have always been very healthy. Well they drained 48 oz. of fluid from around my heart, it was my Lord that kept me from dying,because my heart was enlarged and under so much stress from having to pump the blood over all the fluid, I worked on and off through this all, I thought, great now I will feel better and will be able to go back to work, “wrong” that isn’t what GOD had in store for me, not only did I have to go through another operation to drain some more fluid off my heart on Dec. 10th but they had to put a window around my heart ( a release) so the fluid could drain out on a regular basis.And also when they told me about this they also informed me that the fluids that they drained from heart and around my right lung was filled with cancer,they told me I had stage 4 lung cancer and that the cancer had spread all throughout my body, there was a tumor on my right lung and on one of my kidneys and they could not operate because it was all through my body, too much, the only thing they can do and are doing is the chemotherapy, I am on my 3rd treatment and after this one i will have a cat scan to see if the chemo is slowing down the cancer growing.
My point to all this is within a 2-week period my life changed in EVERY way it possibly could, I have some bad days but this has made me look to GOD and I believe that is what GOD wants, I cannot work any longer and only GOD knows how long I have but I wake up everyday thanking GOD that I have one more day with my family, I have a wonderful husband and a great son ,I am so very blessed to have them, they along with my LORD are my strength. I DO have moments where the devil tries to make me sad but i cannot let him because GOD saved me for a reason and I should have been dead with all that my heart was taking on. I just want everyone to know how much the LORD loves us and no matter what comes our way HE will see us through. I am so very thankful for every day. Cathy Hailey



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Jeanie Braun

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:21 pm


I seem to have much in commom with Reesie Thomasson. I was married to a man who was a cross between John Wayne and Roy Rogers for Thirty-five yrs., seven months and twelve days. He was my true soulmate. This man never drank, cussed, smoked, danced, he was extremely honest. His greatest fault is that he wore five hats, worked constantly and was goal oriented. In order to be able to spend time with him, I quit working outside of the home after sixteen yrs. We would be like ships passing in the night. I worked in a neighboring town, he had a career in Law Enforcement. When I came home he would be leaving because of the houses that had been broken into,while the owners were working. His career in the early yrs. did not recognize overtime. He was on call 24 hrs. , off on Tuesday, and every other weekend. I worked six days a week for twelve yrs., and all major holidays, including Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Fourth of July, Christmas Eve ect. ect. I also trained barrel horses and rodeoed for twenty-seven yrs. I spent the last nineteen yrs. of our marriage working side by side with my Husband. He was a Constable for twelve yrs., I would drive him around town while he was serving papers. We hauled race horses, we were running 500 head of cattle, we did custom hay baling, baled our own hay and raised Quarter Horses. We had Thirty head of horses. He was slightly injured by a bull in 2000. I carried him to fourteen different Doctors, trying to find our why he had pain just above the knee on the back of his right leg. It did not keep him from working, he still worked hard, he just had pain in the right leg. After a Dr. cut into the leg, the misery began. It was what they call the Ranchers cancer. THe leg was cut three times before I was told he was in stage four lung cancer. The third time they cut the leg open he lost five units of blood, they did not sew the leg up, and a large cancer tumor grew out of the back of his leg in two short weeks. I got him to M.D. Anderson in Houston Tx. He died three months later. I did not sue the DRs., probably should have. My best friend is and RN and told me that Drs. practice medicine, and they do kill Patients. Six yrs. down the road, the cattle are gone due to a severe drought, the inflated land prices that caused people to sell their land rather than lease it for cattle grazing. I lost the three most important men in my life, two in 2002, these men made me who I am today, God Bless them both. My beloved Father suffered a severe stroke which left him brain damaged, he passed in 2004. I lost my eyesight, I left the ranch, my Log Home, my lighted arena, and bought a double-wide on two acres. I stayed blind for three yrs. I had my eyes operated on in 2005, and my eyesight was restored. I have survived the drought of 1995 thru 2002, losing my soulmate,my Father, and my Mentor. I have had to overcome the worst cattle deal ever made in the state of Texas, by me. I sold all the farm equipment two mos. after the funeral. When they say make no major decisions for one yr., they mean it. Today, I am broke and a joke, I have no children, I raised horses, they were my children. I have been in the bottomless pit for six yrs. I have done a lot of soul searching, and I know why these things happen. Although I always thanked God for my victories, taking care of my horses, I was not attending church on a regular basis. God has a way of saving our souls, today church comes first in my life, I read my Bible everynight, and I believe with all my heart, that with God, all things are possible. Time is a great healer, we cannot look back behind us. I have learned to live one day at a time, and I am a surviver. With God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.



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Mary

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:23 pm


Cathy- I just read your mail..God is watching over you and he does hear you…sometimes in situations like this I have a hard time with “God did not give us a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind” I imagine it can be hard not to be fearful at a time like this…but he does hear you..keep your dialogue open and constant with him..we’ve seen the miracles he can do..God Bless to All



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tracy

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:23 pm


Hi im just writing because i too suffer from depression. i have not been diagosed ijust know. I have been pretending to be happy when in all actuality im very sad,cant eat,sleep or think clearly about anything. ive suffered in silence for years.many of my friends dont even know how bad i feel. I mask my sufferings with fake laughter and smiles,and it hurts because i have not express to any one just how bad things are for me daily. Im fightig back tears as i write this. i thank GOD for this website at least i know that im not the only person that is going through things that they(I) cant exprees to people that love and would probaly understand. Ihave been conditioned to be STRONG no matter what “you can handle it” God dont give you what you can’t handle”. Well i dont think they were talking about depression and the affects it can have on your being.I pray daily all day,listen to music and give myself positvie affirmations. Iknooow that God is Listening. Now i must figure aou how to hear HIM tell me that eveything is okay and i will be too. Imust have more faith in Who He is and to Whom I belong. Thank You for sharing with us that we all do relaspse, but is okay



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Pat

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:27 pm


I have read from time to time the different postings on this site. I have even started to write a comment or two, but then decided otherwise. Until today, the posting on depression really hit home. Some of the words decribing depression gave me hope that there is someone else out there that knows how I feel. I have been unemployed (definitely not by choice) for about a year. I have been without meds for about the same time. Fighting depression over the last year has been one of the biggest battles I have faced. The only way I can descibe it is to say its like a roller coaster. Somehow I have managed to keep myself in check and not go off the deep end for very long. I attribute this to my faith in God. I am not an overly religious person, but I have prayed more in the last year than I have in my life. Only God knows and other people with depression can relate to how much I want to get better. Here’s to hope, for all of us!



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lindsey

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:29 pm


For Bonnie (as well as others looking for a support group)
I have found a group called DBSA- Depression Bipolar Support Alliance helpful. Also, NAMI, tha National Alliance for Mental Illness has groups. I don’t have their web links, but you could google them and see if there are any in your area. It stinks when I read in the paper for local support groups and find everything but ones for mental illness.



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Telly

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:32 pm


I think I’m having a flare-up too, but it’s not supposed to be so! I had conquered this thing, at least I thought I had. It’s awful, not me, right? Constantly, I don’t know if my thoughts are even mine. If they are, I am one evil individual or my mind has been invaded and only 6% of it is still me and struggling every nanosecond to survive. I don’t know where to go from here. Yeah, I know…go get your meds girl, but I can’t afford them. I mean, I can get some meds this month, maybe even two, but then the next month or three or four, there is no extra funds to get them, so I end up even more depressed and manic. What do you all do? I know…I’m full of excuses…and I agree…but they are “realer” than real and I don’t know the solution. I make too much to get any kind of assistance and not enough to survive. This may be your story…and possibly yours is worse…but I don’t know what to do. My son is ADHD and my daughter ADD. I pay $105.35 a month for his Adderall XR w/insurance and $100 plus for his Asthma meds, when I can afford to get them. I stopped getting my daughter’s prescriptions filled for her ADD, just hoping that she will fare well. I will not kill myself, but living can be unbearable at times…I’m holding on to every fiber of hope that I can grasp on to!



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Mary

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:39 pm


Tracy- I was just typing a letter when I saw yours post. I was typing virtually the same story…Its lonely here in the darkness, no one to really tell whats going on and how desperate I feel at times. All I have is prayer right now and it helps because when Im quiet, really quiet, HE shows me rays of hope when I think I cant make it another minute.I wish I had the support of a Doctor, Friend or Family member( brother is bigwig in Department of Mental Health)to support me but I dont….they all feel Im the “strong one” as well and I have an ex-husband who would love to see me fall apart…Im tired and so sad but Im going to wait for that glimmer, I know its there



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ALINDA

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:53 pm


MY HUSBAND DIED MAY 31 2006. IT’S BEEN ALMOST TWO YEARS, BUT SOME DAYS IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY. I THOUGHT I WAS HANDLING THE GRIEF OK UNTIL I STARTED STAYING UP ALL NIGHT AND BAKING (I HAVE A LOT OF HAPPY FRIENDS). I’M STILL WORKING SO THIS WAS A PROBLEM AND IT ALL CAME TO AN END LAST SEPT WHEN BY BODY JUST COULDN’T HANDLE THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND I JUST FELL APART. A CRIED LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST NIGHT AFTER MY HUSBAND HAD DIED. WELL I BROKE DOWN AND CALLED A GRIEF COUNSELOR AND IT HAS BEEN THE BEST THING FOR ME. MY FAITH IS STRONG IN THE LORD, BUT SOMETIMES WE NEED SOMEONE TO HELP US THROUGH HARD TIMES LIKE DEATH. IT HELPS THAT MY COUNSELOR IS ALSO A CHRISTIAN. MY DAYS ARE GETTING BETTER AND I KNOW THAT IT’S OK TO CRY FOR NO REASON, I KNOW IT’S OK TO BE SAD OR MAD AT THE SITUATION. BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT GOD IS WITH ME AT ALL TIMES. MY HUSBAND WAS MY SECOND AND I KNOW THAT HE WAS HEAVEN SENT. WE HAD ONLY BEEN MARRIED FOR ABOUT 5 YEARS WHEN JESUS CALLED HIM HOME. I’M JUST THANKFUL THAT GOD SEND HIM MY WAY, EVEN THOUGH IT WAS FOR ONLY A SHORT TIME. IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO E-MAIL ME,I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A PEN-PAL, MALE OR FEMALE. IT JUST HELPS TO TALK TO SOMEONE. PLEASE EXCUSE ANY MIS-SPELLED WORDS, I’M GETTING READY FOR WORK AND RUNNING A LITTLE LATE. THANKS FOR LISTENING, AND GOD BLESS EACH OF YOU.



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Sheri

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:57 pm


I have been sufering from depression for years. I to at first thought I could fight it just hiding under things.Sometimes its better to and sometime it not.I am going through a bad custody battle right now. My ex received Temporary custody. He is trying to use my depression as I can’t cope and take care of my daughter. I have done it since she was born. I have some days where I cant think clearly. But just because we have depression doesnt mean we cant be good mothers. Just needed to vent to people that know what I am going through.



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Bobbi Jackson

posted February 28, 2008 at 1:59 pm


Relapse- Do I ever know what thats like! I am still fighting feelings of hopelessness and anxiety over ever getting back my real life! I was forced to take antidepressants by my insurance company-(no drugs=no therapy for my depression) I am one of the few that the drugs MAKE me more suicidal and I lose control of my impulses. So after being on the drugs, and being a beliver in the truth will set you free I actually shared the thoughts that came into my head about hurting my son (although investigation proved that I had NOT hurt him in any way). I am still after 1 1/2 years still fighting to get him back. Its so easy for someone to take him away; but now to get him back I have to prove that I am a fit parent. I didn’t have to prove anything to get him in the first place; they didn’t question my mothering when postpartum depression hit- but now that I got hit with it after failed fertility to give him a sibling- suddenly I am a bad mother! Every month when I get the reminder that he is my one and only, I relapse- Does this make me unfit? NO- jjust a woman who because of bad genes has had her hopes dashed to many times. Having him back would bring up my mood- to hold and hug him- the one thing that is right in my life; that is how to prevent my relapse.



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rachel

posted February 28, 2008 at 2:00 pm


Thank you for sharing your story. I too live with depression ~ it is diagnosed. I have also had relapses, so I can say this with my heart. You will be ok…it doesn’t feel like it right now, the black hole looms. But on the other side is white light of hope and goodness. Travel through the rough time with this knowledge. You will be ok…it hurts, but you will be ok. God is there and the people that read your story are there for you. Please don’t forget this. May God be with you.



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Lynn

posted February 28, 2008 at 2:13 pm


I know just where you are because I am there too. But how can I get out?



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Jaime

posted February 28, 2008 at 2:25 pm


Wonderful article, just what I needed to hear..
today is one of my “dark days”, I pulled this up on my computer, and felt a ray of sunshine!
I went through a very painful Divorce 2 years ago, and have forgiven, and accepted my new Life, which is a great one, I am so very blessed.
Now it is just learning to live life on your own. Being single, and no longer having a partner to share in life’s ups and downs with you.
That is the place I am now in, and I feel great most days, but so very painfully lonely somedays~ like today.
Like she said in her article, “She knew it was a temporary place”. This “feeling” and this day will pass…
It’s true! Tomorrow will be better!
One day at a time~



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CynDee

posted February 28, 2008 at 2:53 pm


Sheri
I know exactly how you feel. My husband too was granted custody due to my depression. It is sad the courts do not understand the disease. Depression does not make us bad mothers. I am doing much better than I was upon official diagnosis nearly 10 years ago but I have those relapse times and wonder if this is all life has to offer then as quick as that episode came on things seem brighter. Hang in there. It will all work out. CynDee



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Dora

posted February 28, 2008 at 3:12 pm


Coincidence? That today’s subject is depression. I’ve had an on-going anxiety attack for three days now. Laid off in Sept. of last year, on unemployment, looking for a job, praying constantly, that is in-between listlessness and periods of sudden tears. I’ve kept it from my husband, then today he calls me three times from his work. I feel guilty enough. Last phone call, he was telling me a guy at work told him “The Home Depot” is always hiring. I’m 51, have never done that kind of work, (I have excellent office and computer skills), and that would definitely mess up my resume, not to mention the amount of money I would be making in comparison to what I could be making. Not to mention, I don’t think I could lift half the things I’d have to, (I’m only 4’8″), and then with the gas crunch, and the out of town distance I’d have to drive…It’s so hard to get my husband to understand what I’m going through. I don’t have health insurance…we can’t afford counseling. And from previous experience, I’m sure meds would make me suicidal. Only God can help me.



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Reesie Thomasson

posted February 28, 2008 at 3:14 pm


Hello Everyone,
I’m back!!
I have been on the internet most of the day. It has been wonderful to sit at home and read other people’s stories.
I wish to say to all of you that we are God’s children and we will encounter problems.
Let us bond spiritually by praying for one another, and supporting each other via email.
To Alinda and Jeanie Braun, I am very interested in getting your email addresses. I don’t know how to do that through the rules of conduct with this company.
I will continue to read these stories because I have found so much comfort today.
Please tell God everyday “I expect GREAT things to happen today”.
I learned that not out of formality or habit, but out of trusting Him and His judgement and His will for our lives, brings about great things.
I will definitely mention this victorious response to my journal today, Jeanie. I knew that other people were “going through”, but to actually read your stories has made me want to work a little harder at jumping over life’s hurdles.
From now on, when I think about relapsing, I will think positive. My road WILL NOT run out until God calls me home. Afterwards, I want my works to speak for me.
You all have a blessed and progressive day!!!!



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Linda

posted February 28, 2008 at 3:56 pm


I’ve suffered from the highs & lows of bi-polar disorder for most of my life. Medications made me worse & even after stopping them, I suffer long-term side effects. Managing the episodes as they hit, without meds, is a challenge, but not impossible. As she said, there is always the knowledge that it doesn’t last forever, it just sometimes feels like it! I overeat, I don’t exercise, I have no motivation to do the housework or go out with friends. And then it’s over, hopefully not to be replaced by a manic episode. The hardest part is explaining to friends & family that the depression isn’t situational, it is part of my biology & won’t go away just because the sun is shining & the birds are singing. Situational depression brought on by some kind of loss is usually treatable without medication & does not recur as it tends to improve a the situation improves. Not so with biological or bi-polar depression. There doesn’t have to be a “reason”, it just is. And that is the hardest thing to deal with because while I can try to change a situation, I cannot change my biology. It is that sense of helplessness that brings on the sense of hopelessness.



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MyLadyK

posted February 28, 2008 at 3:56 pm


I hear that old line so many times,” just one day at a time”. Okay, how about just one hour at a time, one minute at a time, just keep breathing! Sometimes doing nothing is better for me than doing something. Especially if that something is not a positive move foreward.
On the days like today, when I feel so drained of energy, sitting in my rocking chair and watching the birds outside is the most productive thing I can managed to do. I’m too tired even to cry.



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doglover50

posted February 28, 2008 at 4:00 pm


I have suffered from BiPolar disorder I since I was 5 and I just had my 51st birthday. BiPolar I is the worst form of BiPolar there is. My Bi Polar disorder is depression dominant, and when I have an accute attack of depression, whether it is situational, of chemical–how many of you saw “The Mask”? Remember when the bad guy went dowh this big toilet–round and round and round? That is the way that I feel–that my life is completely out of control and when I get to the bottom of that big, spinning whirlpool, I will be dead. I feel as if I will never feel “normal” whatever normal for me is. I feel as if nothing matters, that no one will miss me if I just get up and leave town. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride and I feel as if all hope is gone.
My psychiatrist has tried me on almost all the meds that are available. He has even made different cocktails mixing and matching different drugs to see if he can maybe come up with something that helps the depression without throwing me into a manic attack.
I also have narcolepsy and according to my part D insurance the medication that I need is not the primary drug that my doctor wants me to take. The medication they want me to take throws me into mania and the last time made me psychotic. During the psychosis the medication made do things that I never would have done with taking that medication. After the psychosis went away, I hit rock bottom with a crushing depression. It seemed like I would never be able to climb out. It took several weeks, but with help from my psychiatrist, therapist, and my friends, especially my best friend, slowly but surely I was able to pull out of the depression and get back to a healthy life. It still comes and goes periodically, but I am much more able to deal with the symptoms and take actions now that I am familiar with what is coming and what I need to do to get better.
All of you precious folks—-there IS light at the end of the tunnel–I am living proof!!!



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Arianna

posted February 28, 2008 at 4:15 pm


Therese,
Thanks for this article today, it was right on time. I too, suffer from severe depression, crippling at times to where I can’t even leave my house for days on end. I just don’t get it, with God in our lives, why we suffer severe depression? I have to make myself get up, do things, and avoid the phone when I’m depressed. I started on Lexapro about 6 weeks ago, 10mg a day, but now think I need more. Hang in there and I will pray for you, and on those on this blog, depression is real. I will continue to check this site for any helpful info I and others can use.
God Bless You.
Arianna



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Dianne

posted February 28, 2008 at 4:34 pm


Therese, and those above….my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am pretty much on the upside lately, and I will say that most of you have expressed that you have hope….that is a definite plus. A couple of suggestions…
Communication is the key…make sure your doctors, husband and friends know where you are at this point so they can support you in your time of need. Sometimes a medication change is in order, and sometimes you just have to ride it out, but you can’t do it alone. Make sure to get the support you need during these tough times.
Consider keeping a journal, with dates included, and refer to it often. Sometimes your biorhythms contribute to depressive illnesses, so make sure to enter all ups and downs in your journal and refer back to maybe predict where you were a month ago, and how long this will last…it can give you hope that the end is near.
I will be thinking of you all and pray for courage to withstand the lows you are experiencing and a close circle of supporters to help you through it sucessfully. Have a better day!



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Mary Anne

posted February 28, 2008 at 5:05 pm


Therese,
Wow! You are such an inspiration to me. Over the last 5 mths I have went thru my husband first assaulting me leaving me in a wheelchair with a pinched sciatic nerve and a fractured hip. Then abandoning me, knowing I could not work and depended on him soley for support; both financially and emotionally. To make it even worse he left a few wks before our 3rd Anniversary, then there was Thanksgiving and Christmas to get through alone. All that time I read your posts, watched your video’s and ramped and raved you and the woman you are. I did not think you were capable of being low. That only happens to people like me, I thought. Not someone like you who has thier own website with tons of support.
Today I log on for the first time in awhile and read your post. I am sorry to hear you are on the dark side but remember BALANCE! To every darkness there is a light. Speaking of which today is the 1/2 Moon. Half light/half dark. I have wanted to write you for a long time and just never did. I have even thought of exchanging phone numbers with you so that we could talk and become close friends. I do not know what it is specifically but since the 1st time I saw you and your video’s I felt we were kindred spirits. Like you were someone I have known all my life. Perhaps in a past life?? I don’t know. I do want you to know though that I will definitely have you in my thoughts and prayers. I will send healing energy your way. I am NOT Catholic but I do burn alot of prayer candles on the altar I have in my bedroom. I will add your name to my purple prayer candle. They usually burn for about 4-5 days before they are out. Purple represents Spirit, it is a magickal color. Know that someone in Texas has your name on a candle, and on thier heart. You are loved and things WILL get better.
Love & light, Mary Anne



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Julia

posted February 28, 2008 at 5:17 pm


I too, am on the downside of my depression! Yesterday it really started and it has continued today! I have been under some physical and mental stress for sometime, but have been able to cope with it,until yesterday. I go into tears over anything and it reminds ME of being pregnant and having hi’s and low’s!! Its been awhile since I have felt like this and so I am very thankful but I have to keep reminding myself that its just temporary! I feel better when I have someone to talk with about it, but I have relocated to another state and the transition has been pretty good but the only person I can talk too, is my Old friend from school,where I am living at. He is a wonderful person and I thank God everday, that we connected!
I hope and pray that we all will get well soon and I will keep you in my prayers! Have a wonderful day and God Bless You All!



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Monique

posted February 28, 2008 at 7:36 pm


I didn’t want to admit that I had relapsed, because I thought I’d swirl back into the misery and hopelessness I’d just gotten out of. My therapist (God bless her!) said it was good that I’d recognized that I was relapsing, because it meant that I was handling my my depression-not the other way around. I still cry and wonder why my life’s like it is, but I get through it. It’s hard, though. But the important thing is I get through it. And I pat myself on the back, and say I’m worthwhile and there’s a purpose for my life.



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Richard

posted February 28, 2008 at 7:58 pm


Hey, sometimes it’s OK to be depressed. If you never had these feelings, something would be wrong. No drug will cure depression.
But some can help you cope. If your depression is something you only expeariance ounce in while, you might find an herbal cure, like Marijuna, works wonders. It worked for me for years and years.



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debra

posted February 28, 2008 at 8:18 pm


I struggle with depression all the time. I had a breakdown last year and thought “oh boy, I’m going to be great after this”. I started Effexor XR and did great for a few months. The feeling of guilt, worthlessness, and hopelessness were still there but under control. Got through the holidays with no problems. Then two weeks ago I started having panic attacks and literally thought I was dying. The depression started up again. Then I got this email. It has brought me much peace knowing that I am not alone. My employer was understanding the first time I broke down, but lately watches everything I do which only adds to my anxiety.
Anyone who has never had depression or anxiety has no clue how difficult it is. I applaud everyone who struggles and overcomes.
Many thanks to Therese for her page!



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Cheri

posted February 28, 2008 at 9:15 pm


I can really identify with you right now because due to a death in the family and a number of other issues I have been feeling like I was in the toilet and I have been so depressed that sometimes I have really wanted to check out permanently but I keep tryig to press God to please give me some sort of a sign that his too shall pass



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Nicole

posted February 28, 2008 at 9:18 pm


You and me both. My darkest hours always fall during what should be my happiest times, such as now, being blessed with beautiful healthy little children. However, a black cloud has insidiously settled and the anxiety has been terrifying. I’d like to think that it’s simply chemical or hormonal, but I fear it’s beyond both of those. It is existential. It is pain at seeing my children look at me with eyes full of hope and wonder and feeling the panic of how much they need me, how important and vital I am to them. It is knowing that I’ll never know my little son as a very old man, though I’d like to remain optimistic and live forever. My heart goes beyond the pinnacle of joy and feels pain as if it is about to burst. It hurts to love. Who would have ever known it could be so deeply painful to bring new little people into our world and my life? The wheels of my mind churn and the cute gurgles are punctuated by feelings of despair and panic. Despair that this moment is all that we have. There is no control beyond our present moment. This could be all we have and I hate to let each second go, mourning it’s loss of perfection of which, at times, I only am able to appreciate in retrospect. I never knew being a mother would tear at my heart so much. I never knew that I’d gain so much while losing so much, minute by minute and day by day. Hang in there! That’s all we can do, right?



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germaine vincent

posted February 28, 2008 at 9:39 pm


Everyone tells me I should not self diagnose ,and sometimes I believe this to be true but when I feel like this its hard not to .I’ve been going through this for years now and i’m kind of scared to go and have an official diagnosis .I get to the point where I dont feel like speaking to anyone and feel like crying all the time but there is always a trigger ,be it lack of work ,loneliness ,hopelessness ,I dont really know sometimes I feel like i’m in a black hole and cant climb out.Ever have friends yell at you to snap out of it and all you want to do is scream leave me alone.



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Sherri

posted February 29, 2008 at 12:46 am


I was diagnosed with sevre depression & anxiety,sevre social phobia,
along with sevre goriaphobia.Some days I can’t seem to pull myself out
of the bed.Then one morning I found my darling son on the floor.He was gone.That was barely ayear ago.I have this big hurting,burning sensation in my chest that seems to only get worse.Now my days of wanting to stay in bed seem to run togather.There doesn’t seem to be
nothing that I have tried that really seems to pull me through.Maybe theres not suppose to be an answer.So I live just going through the motions of life.



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too embarrassed

posted February 29, 2008 at 12:57 am


I am paralized by anxiety. I caanot function from this horrible feeling
there are no words that can make someone who hasn’t experience depression and panic attacks.
I want to tell someone to put their head underwater until they are bule and when they are gasping for air they know how it feels..and to have this feeling in waves all the time. Of course nobody would do this on purpose. Family has said I am lazy and bad mouthed me so terribly that most of my family won’t even talk to me and that hurts so badly. Tough love they call it. It just makes me feel more unlovable, so I keep my faith in the Lord and try to let him guide me and try to give thanks and try not to even think.



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Carol

posted February 29, 2008 at 8:15 am


Depression is a great teacher of our dark side. Those of us bipolar…
sometimes feel like superheros in our highs. Depression teaches us humility (humus..like the earth is real. St. Teresa of Avila said, “Humility is truth” and St. Francis of Assisi said, “I am what I am before God, nothing more, nothing less.” Call in your spiritual markers, ask those you love to pray for you and with you. Sometimes just admitting we feel low brings relief, and leaning on others is another good practice of humility and love, letting others help us. We do not need to be superheros…just who we are before God…nothing more, nothing less.” I pray that soon you will feel the light on your face once more and that the dark night of the soul will be a gentle memory, full of grace no matter how difficult. Peace and blessings, Carol



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bonnie baker

posted February 29, 2008 at 10:34 am


This past week , I really cant complain to much about depression , Iv been reading alot on your site , which takes my mind off of me and into God and I know that cant hurt anyone . exspecially me . But from time to time , I still find myself getting upset over the same things, feeling alone , extremely alone , feeling like the world is caving in on me , loosing breaths and sleep .And these days Im just grateful that God has brought me back to his arms , Im actually feeling alot more comforted. I hope sincerly that you stay with us and keep writing your inspirational stories . alot of us need you and thank you …….. Alot of my problem I believe is accepting this isnt my fault , that Im doing what I can , and there is just going to be bad days . and certainly hope that when a bad accuuance happens that Im not out in society . I hate people watching me break down like a fool .



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Lori Vorwald

posted February 29, 2008 at 10:54 am


Dear Congress and Senators,
I am looking for information in regards to creating and passing a law. My life and recovery depends on this for me and every other person who has experienced the nightmare and trauma I and my family have. I am currently trying to resolve a lawsuit with my employer for the following crimes committed against me:
Workplace Violence
Harassment
Equal Rights
Sexual Decimation
Retaliation
Sure the company is willing to give me a small sum of money and push me away. My supervisor tormented and harassed me the whole time I was employed there. I ended up having a nervous breakdown, hospitalized 4X for suicide thoughts, lost self worth, value and the desire to live. Financially I am destroyed, lost my home, my ability to to support my children, attorney bills, lots of medical bills and counseling bills everything is all gone. My children have suffered so much, they watched as I lay in bed for 6 months, watching someone else take care of me because I was unable to get up, eat or even exist. For 6 months they not only had to take care of themselves they also had to watch they’re mom go from a strong, hard working vibrant women to a woman of hopelessness and death. My family and I will continue to counsel for along time to come.
My SUPERVISOR broke the law and needs to be held accountable. My life and my families life has been turned up side down. Piece by Piece that man tore me apart. It’s been over a year now and I still have wounds that won’t heal and maybe never will. I have made some incredible changes in my life, but I have a lot more to go. I believe his motives were personal because I reported workplace violence and harassment. From that point on he retaliated against me.
Let’s ask my SUPERVISOR if he loves and believes in himself, I don’t anymore. Let’s ask my SUPERVISOR if he has ever had to pick up his broken soul piece, by piece, every day? I do. Lets ask my SUPERVISOR if he thinks he’s a failure and wishes he was dead more times than not. I do. They broke the disability act by making my job vanish so when I’m ready to come back to work I have to find a job with in the company or I’m done. This is a very common practice with this type of situation. My job is supposed to be protected by that act. You see I believed in my boss and all along he was manipulating me into Believing he was helping me. It was all lies he turned around and used our conservations against me.
The current law does not punish the criminal and companies make you sign an agreement that you will not pursue the issue ever again against the company or the perpetrator. So what does the company do to him? NOTHING!!!!
No, HE can not and will not walk away with out paying for his crimes against me. Since when do criminals get to walk away free. If he beat me physically the wounds would be visible and he would go to jail, however my only proof is inside me killing me. The Equal Rights Amendments clearly states AND JUSTICE FOR ALL. The way it is now big companies pay out for these crimes and the criminals walk. The victim remains wounded. My SUPERVISOR still has his job, income, house, ability to advance forward, self-worth and the desire to continue his life. IMAGINE? ALL THE THINGS HE TOOK FROM ME, THE VICTIM. Can any body please tell me where the justice is in this??
I am asking for the justice that the Equal Rights Amendment and the United States Government Promised me. I AM ASKING JUSTICE FOR ALL. PLEASE HELP ME.
Lori Vorwald
1232 Glades dr.
Altoona, WI 54720
715-864-7924
lorivorwald@hotmail.com
I am my depression!!! It chooses my day, my feelings, my love , my life. It wamts me to leave this place so we can stop the pain. Counseling, meds it still is there controlling my life. Days are too long and nights are too short. I am sitting in this dark hole that has me so embraced so toght I can’t breath. Searching for answer but too depressed to believe there are any. Sadness for a disease that I know will eventually take my life.



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Barb

posted February 29, 2008 at 12:38 pm


I believe taking it one day at a time is worthwhile. It may sound like a cliche but it works. I can do anything for one day. This has been a difficult time in my life. Three months ago my brother took his own life after a long bout with depression and substance abuse. It is so sad and I find myself getting melencholy at work and everywhere I go seems to cause me to think of him. There are questions with no answers. I may cry at the drop of a hat and people look at me puzzled. It has been a short time and I need to grieve my own way. Good luck to all.



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Linda

posted February 29, 2008 at 1:13 pm


Lori, please give yourself credit for just posting your comments. I have been very depressed myself, and know about the self-blame,the despair and the feeling of being all alone. Life will get better!! I had myself hospitalized for three days to get away from my financial problems;they had caused me extreme anxiety. Things do work out. I still feel sometimes that sadness has overtaken my life. There is an non-profit support group called Recovery Intl. that deals with issues such as your depression and anxiety.It has helped me since 1991. Here is the website; http://www.recovery-inc.org. There are many people like us around the world who have the same feelings.I have met them myself at the Recovery,Intl. annual meeting in Chicago. You are not alone!! Please go the Recovery,Intl. website. People care!!



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Vicki Turner

posted February 29, 2008 at 1:46 pm


I read the comments and my heart breaks. I have been at these places. I know the pain and the darkness. I am one of the fortunate. I came out on the other side. I survived.
I am not bi-polar or a victim of someone’s vendatta. I have chronic, periodic bouts of severe depression. Some of the episodes in the past were triggered by traumatic events, but some are the product of brain chemistry gone awry. Every morning I wake up to a world of color and light, I consider a miracle, an act of grace.
For Lori- Please do not give up! The pain that was inflicted upon you was not your fault. Left go of it. Put it behind you. And I beg of you, for your own survival, stop seeking “justice” and starting holding on to Hope. “Justice” will not make you whole again, but Hope can be your salvation. Hold on to that. Your kids need you. The world needs you. Your voice matters. Don’t let depression silence you.



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Stephanie

posted February 29, 2008 at 4:09 pm


Wow, after reading this post and all the comments, I feel grateful instead of the depressed feeling of gloom that I was feeling before reading this. I too suffer from depression, have been for many many years, I’ve been on just about every anti-depressant meds that there are… I’ve recently stopped taking them again because I seem to be depressed with or without them and since I’ve lost my job with health benefits, I cannot afford them anymore. I also suffer from chronic pain which doesn’t help the depression. I too have lost jobs like the one that Lori described and been through hell with manic supervisors that almost destroyed me, literally. I found out that seeking justice isn’t the answer, forgiveness and moving on was the best course for me. I’ve recently started a new job and so glad that I decided to let go what has happened in the past because it was killing me, literally. I will pray for you, hugs, Stephanie



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Christine

posted February 29, 2008 at 4:28 pm


I am giddy with exitement that the word hope turned up in this website.
Honor your feelings. It is also a fact that when you bring forth one feeling good or bad, other feelings will tag along and cause an overwhelming sensation. Stay cool and gently prod them free from your psyche and breathe them out and away from you.
I am also going to say this…..no one can take your life force or energy away from you unless you gave them your power. Lori, call your energy back by stating that you do not want your energy holding on to the negative energy of your workplace experience. Call it back and break away from this trauma. It is not doing you any good to keep playing it over in your head as this will lead to a sign that says “Not a through street” yep, a dead end for all involved.
Give yourself a chance to heal and do not call forth the trumpet of justice until you are strong enough. The angel “Camael” can assist you when you are ready. When you must think about it Call “Camael” three times and ask him to be with you. Always thank the angel with your gratitude. Take care of yourselves, one and all. I love all and send good thoughts your way. Peace



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Paul McGrath Kuras

posted February 29, 2008 at 8:19 pm


I would like to find the cure for depression;(For all of us)!Is it the Bible or psychiatry or psychology or other religions? I have a chemical imbalance and I chase all people away from me(crazy or NOT!)and I’m extremely lonely and needy and sometimes I would just like to cry but,that’s wimpy and NOT a MAN!I’m failing College and the future looks hopeless and lonely and I have no job,friend(s),girlfriend(s),Wife(s)! I have alot of problems and I’m NOT nice!I only get a little each month of Social Security and S.S.I.($110.00? a month spending money!)and I’m afraid I’m gay or bisexual or a possible transgender and I hate myself 1,000%What is the answer for all of us,earthlings?I cannot defend myself in a fight! I would like to beat-up everybody in the world if I had to!Christianity makes a wimp out of you!HELP!



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Lynne

posted March 1, 2008 at 6:59 am


Re; Paul, “Christianity makes a wimp out of you…” Then you’re reading the wrong messages from it. Did’nt Peter cut off a soldier’s ear? Part of the apostles’ jobs were to be bodyguards. That was’nt exactly a peaceful time they were living in. Would you call David a wimp when he took on Goliath? God has sent dozens of armies to fight wars in the bible.(not that I am in any way advocating war…but sometimes it is the only recourse) Christians are not expected to be doormats. That “turn the other cheek” deal was in reference to tolerance in other points of view. Having said that…I empathise with you completely! In almost every aspect you descibe I see myself. The only up side I see to our disease is that it has cycles and hopefully an upswing is coming soon. Our “fearless Leader” Therese is having a rough time right now but she is a fighter! This disease is the ultimate enemy and THAT is what we are doing battle with in this “War of the Mind”. BTW From your mouth to God’s ear that a cure or a better therapy is found. I have faith in some of our better minds that are working on a solution. May HOPE carry us through!



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Christine

posted March 1, 2008 at 7:28 am


I have a comment for the young man Paul. You are not chasing me away, in fact, we share a common wish. Yes, I would also like tofind a cure for depression too. It is a noble thought and came from your creative center deep in your mind. WoW! You put it out there and it was received by us. Good Job
I will review the basics for you. Honor your feelings. All of them. No more judging them to be wimpy or unmasculine. Obviously, they are strong and masculine if you thought them as you are a man. Right?
Happiness runs in a circular motion. You can have anything if you let yourself be(I have to give the singer named Donavon for that line as it was a song from the 1960′s)!
When I get my negative thoughts coming at me like a weapon. I just say to them “hello, old friend. We are together again but I must let you go as you are not a productive idea for me” I breath a deep breath and then gently push the notion out of my aura and away from me. With pratice, it will become easy.
As for what is healing? My approach may seem silly but I have found through the years that all disiplines are good but they need a practical and no nonsense approach to the symptoms because they are masking the depressed person’s real feelings.
I am sending good thoughts to you and all who read this. You are never alone. You are a child of the universe and your journey is needed to complete it.
Peace unto you



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Robin Hummingbird Songs

posted March 1, 2008 at 3:29 pm


I’ve been there this month too. Creator is going deeper into levels of myself, my past, old patterns of thinking and feeling that are coming up for healing. I’ve just had to accept wherever I’m at, keep on keeping on, open myself to love. I’m so glad you too have discovered that these times on the edge of the black hole are temporary.
Keep on keeping on, and once again the skies will turn bluer and spring will come. Love to you, Robin Hummingbird Songs



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Wanda

posted March 1, 2008 at 9:44 pm


Wow, I have been going through the same things lately. I was blaming early menopaus. but, according to my doctor. Im not there quite yet. I might even have 10 years before I do get there. so, I need to try to relax on that.
What I need to do is get rid of or lessen the stress’s in my life.
Getting older doesn’t help. You seem to have more projects accummulating. well, you just seem to have more to do as you get older. Being a gemini does’t help me either.
Seems like alot of people are going through these things. we need to help each other out. I get tired of people attacking others with bad opinions or comments.
good luck and try not to feel guilty in taking time out once in a while. by getting a baby sitter. you have to not just for you. for you kids. keep it sane.
wanda



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Deborah M

posted March 2, 2008 at 7:19 pm


I feel for you also. When we get on the edge of the “black hole” I feel I am almost to far into it to make the decisions I know will make me feel better and help me. My “mood disorder” comes from a severe closed head injury with brain damage in 1987. God, I have battled just like everyone else for years. Approximately, 1 month ago I felt so frustrated when I went to the doctor (psychiatrist). I said I am not depressed just totally frustrated that I have gone down hill very badly in the past 6-7 months. What is up? He made some med adjustments and told me if they did not help than we would go from there. I even thought maybe I had a stroke or something because I could not process anything I read or try to do that involved my mind. Clean things…oh yea I could do that….that does not take your brain, I thought. Well, finally the meds have helped and I am back out of the “black hole”. For how long…do any of us know? If someone has never been there they do not understand and those people make us feel worse. So due to that, I tend to isolate myself more when I am going into “black hole”. I assume you do have someone to talk with, that understands what you are saying…right? Maybe you should speak with the doctor and see if meds need adjustment or let him know you are under more stress than usual (good or bad stress)..I know all of you know what I am saying. Please give Doctor called first and than go from there. You know you are very intelligent and all the things that go with that BUT when we are near the “black hole” we do not believe those things no matter who says it. I will pray for you and I really hope you will pull out of this very soon. It is an awful feeling BUT remember we always come back to the light…just contact doctor first…k?



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Naomi

posted March 3, 2008 at 5:10 pm


I sympathize with all the posts. For the past week, I’ve had this free-floating anxiety — nothing I can put my finger on. Maybe I’m not busy enough (I’m 73 and retired) and feeling useless; maybe I’m not getting enough exercise. I hope this feeling goes away soon…



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Laura

posted March 14, 2008 at 9:24 am


Wow! I have a few days a month where for an hour or so, despondency sets in so strongly that pain seems the only way to make it go away! I do my best not to give in to those feelings of hurting myself, as I never considered self-harming until four months ago, but the feelings are so painful that at that moment, that moment, I feel as though I will never feel better again.
I so do not try to embrace the pain, but next time I will because I know it is my chemical imbalance coming to a head, and perhaps I will be painfree one day. I can only hope and pray that my bipolar disorder will slow down with age and time, because relapse is very real, very hurtful, and sometimes occurs at the oddest of times.
My therapist once asked when the despondency started on the day I went into the hospital, and for the life of me, I did not know. It came on sort of slowly, then it overtook me and I wanted to call everyone I was close to and say that I was considering swallowing a handful of pills. My “note” to my loved ones was already written. Yet, I knew that death was not my real choice. Just getting past the pain was!Getting past the pain is always the goal. Knowing it will pass is the hard part.



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Kuaypjvd

posted May 16, 2008 at 6:58 am


comment1,



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Deb

posted May 19, 2008 at 9:35 am


My 18 year old daughter suffers bipolar disease and is an insulin dependent diabetic since she was 5. Her struggles with both have been horrifying and frightening. She was recently hospitalized for the 3rd time. She is continuing the Abilify for mood stabilization and started Cymbalta 2x daily. So far, hasn’t truly helped. She still is not up to par and able to just feel somewhat normal. I would like to know what works for others if you don’t mind sharing. I just want my daughter to be able to live the most complete life that she is able inspite of her illnesses. She graduates Thursday from high school, almost didn’t. It was a real struggle but she is almost there.



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mary

posted May 19, 2008 at 12:28 pm


life can be soo scary for ..the reality of our aloneness often paralyzes me with soo much fear i just want to crawl in bed and not get out..i do though and i fight my inner demons, it is work for sure!!..i dont remember excactly what it feels like to be happy. but i know i was there once, poeple think of me as being “up beat positive and happy”..i look at my life and i wonder “was i really happy??if I was, then where did it go? why cant i be happy now?maybe i am happy i just dont know it?
maybe this is depression..



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Gypsy

posted May 19, 2008 at 1:58 pm


For two years I have done fine after taking myself off all medications with the exception of valiums for when I have panic attacks and serequel which I was taking 3 100mg a day and 3 100mg at night for night terrors.
Now, I only take two serequels for night and none during the day.
I refuse to go to the doctor’s again; afraid they will end up putting me on 4,500.00 of meds a month as before.
But since my home was broken into on Dec.23rd, my first grandson’s first birthday which my daughter keeps me from seeing….I have been in a depression state.
The black hole that is always there wanting to suck me within has not come for me yet. I just don’t have the energy, the will, or the hope to get out of my house.
All I do is write, write, write on my computer.
This is my favorite time of year yet, I have only gone out three times to mow.
Please, whoever reads this keep me in your prayers as I do all of you.
I do know what is causing my depression….I have not one person in my life for the past year since I bought my trailer.
I wish I was living in my blazer as I was doing for a year and half before I ended up where I am. At least when you live day to day out in the world you have to be strong…when you have a home…then you lose the will to fight as the walls begin to close in…smothering you.
I have never fought this type of depression before…it is not about any certain thing except for the complete lonliness.
Let your spirit free &
the “Spirit be Within”,
Gypsy



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Barb in NJ

posted May 19, 2008 at 2:12 pm


Wow! This message comes at exactly the right time.
This is one of those manic times of my bipolar disorder.
Crying seems to be the norm this week. Nothing seems to keep my interest.
It is time to get outside and take a look around and see all the beautiful things that The Lord has given and wants me to enjoy. Even today as the rain comes down, there is a promise of newness coming, new growth in me, and all things around me.
Focus on what has been given in The love of The Lord.
He says “I am with you always.”
God Bless you
Jesus loves you
and so do I



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Cindy

posted May 19, 2008 at 2:39 pm


My 25 year old daughter is suffering from severe depression. Self medicating to the point of no return at times. She is a college graduate who was accepted into a nursing program at the time my mother was dying at home with hospice and me. After my mothers death my daughter has gotten worse. My husband and I separated, sold the family home, and now my daughter and I live with my dad. He is difficult as well. my daughter is not working and has no medical insurance. I am sure she is bipolar. How can I help her ? Please respond ? I’m lost and afraid for this beautiful woman who is disappearing before my very eyes.
Her Mom



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austin

posted May 19, 2008 at 3:30 pm


I don’t believe I have bipolar but I to am dealing with depression and the factors that add to it are growing daily. I am going trough a divorce and have a son. The ex wants a divorce and is pushing to make me “pay” for her failing out of love with me. She is using my son to her every advantage. My friends that let me move in, only after I did, found out he’s a drug user and they are about to be evicted and I feel guilty about not being able to help them. My truck broke down and I lost my job during the first month with them and it took three months to fix a 50 dollar problem. My baby sis who has always been there for me during the “low” times is in financial trouble and is always needing help. My insurance was due I couldn’t afford it so I let it lapse, this morning I was pulled over got four tickets. My license has been suspended. My new job is in danger due to the economy, and all the while the Lord has blessed me with a new romance, the best woman I’ve ever meet. She has a daughter and had her life together, but the troubles of my life, and the new troubles I caused ( her phone and gas bills) in her life are making our relationship stressed. And I tell you the Lord has a plan, and I will understand one day, but for now I just want to crawl under a rock and hide till the storm is over. And all that keeps adding up is bending me like a bow and I refuse to break but just don’t want no more. I remember the story of Job and I know that it is not God. Still I just want to give up and stop trying, but my faith won’t allow me but my mind and body can’t take no more, or so it seams. But those with faith I ask that you pray for me and my son, Alex, and my new girlfriend and daughter(Kim and Vivian). Thanks and may God bless and keep you safe in his grace.



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Faith

posted May 19, 2008 at 4:36 pm


I have been dealing with Depression for 11 or 12 years in addition to anxiety disorder or whatever else the doctors i have seen have come up with. I have been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD; Depression; Anxiety; Possibly bi-polar; and SDT something or other the one where you have been thru too much trama’s. So I am kind of confused with it. I can remeber since childhood just wanting to be alone; unconfident in almost everything. I have had depression most of my life but was never diagnosed until i reached 41 yrs of age. So all this time with my panic attacks and depression and so forth; I would loose jobs; walk off in a panic; or not go in and try to close myself off. Does this sound formillar to anyone? I was a single parent and raised 2 wonderful people. Then I had another child late in life. I was so devistated that I ended up homeless and unaware I was in depression. Thanks to these people at a shelter I received the help I needed and got back on my feet. Many years have passed though and I still do not understand a lot. I get confused easily and upset and yet I am on meds. I have a worse trouble making decisions than I did before. I am getting back to my beliefs and I think that will help. The moment I went in the other direction my depression got worse. Any comments?
I pray also and hope to have serious prayer over my life from those who read this. I am new at writing to any public source. FA



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Wendi

posted May 19, 2008 at 9:22 pm


Wow. Yeah, I’m there, too. I may or may not have my job in a month bcz I am not performing “up to expectations.” I finally got off of Wellbutrin, which seems to have played tricks with my memory, which has jeopardized my job prospect. I am currently out there looking into other positions in a depressed economy and am even considering lower paying work. I live with my mother, and have beenconsidered her caretaker up to now so she only pd $160 in rent a month We were able to make it over the last few years. I have lots of bills I am trying to put behind me now that IU have been separated from my husband for the last 3 years. But now, thanks to CA’s wonderful HUD laws, I am now considered a resident and they have raised the rent from $160 to $1284 per month. Yes, you are looking at the real figure. We are now paying “market rent” for a not so great “1-bedroom” (basically a studio with a wall that separates part of it to make it into a tiny bedroom. It is really depressing. And hey! If I keep the county job I have that pays me $500 per month to be my mother’s caregiver, our rent goes up to $1400+ next year. Do you know I will actually make out better if I give up the job I have now, keep the IHSS job with the medical benefits and get maybe 2 part time jobs making less money? I owe the IRS $2k and CA $1k for goodness sakes, even though I toook no allowances – only bcz I am claiming married filing separately. I get punished for that, for crying out loud! What is the matter with this government? I have lived in CA for 3 years and my husband lives in MN. The first time I saw him that last few years was wehen I was in MN on “vacation” in April to visit my daughter and meet my grandson for the first time. Geez. I am so disgusted and sick of this it’s not a wonder I haven’t thought of killing myself yet. But stupid me, I still have the positive thought that I might be able to wake up from this mess of a life someday…



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noname

posted May 20, 2008 at 1:00 am


I am so very tried. I am really surprized how I can relate to what you are saying. It seems like I am in a continual fight with myself to feel good and telling myself to feel good and telling myself that it is going to be okay tomorrow. I guess I really need to get back to a psychiatrist and find out if I need to go back on medications. I have always been a self medicator on all my problems and illnesses. Maybe I should seek the help of someone else? I just have severe trust issues with people in general. Me against the world, something like that. I don’t particularly like feeling all alone when i know that i am not, it is just sometimes things get very difficult and I find it hard to keep my mind straight and difficult to know real from not so real and my judgement is way off according to some others who i share my thoughts and fears with. I don’t even think that I will ever do this kind of sharing again. Thanks for your time and your willingness to share your personal thoughts with those of us who share in the same messed up sickness. mahalo! AND GOD BLESS!



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Patti

posted May 20, 2008 at 6:48 am


Wow! I’m so sorry you’re going through. I am too right now. I’ve been telling myself the last couple of days that I’m just scared of something. I asked myself over and over Sunday “is suicide unforgivable”? Talked myself to sleep just chanting Dear God, Dear God why have I forsaken You? My sister asked me if I didn’t feel as though I was spiralling. My car was totalled by flood water last week, I spent Sat. am in the ER with an IV (I had rather give birth), trying to figure out what type of vehicle to get and pay for completely. I don’t handle money well. My two siblings are perfect – brother’s a preacher, sister’s a nurse. My 33 yr old daughter would like to act as if she ignored the BP thing it would go away. I’ve been divorced for 29 yrs so I’m pretty much alone. It’s times like these that I feel it worse than anything. I’m sorry I’ve rambled but I just wanted to thank you and all of you on here for being here.



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momofthree

posted May 22, 2008 at 10:03 am


This is an amazing piece of writing, it describes a situation I too have been in exactly as it feels. I can only imagine how difficult this was to write, but hopefully it was helpful too, and know that this baring of soul has surely helped many of us too.
And the responses this has spurred are also helpful….sad to say but misery does love company, only in that you can feel you aren’t the only one in the world battling external problems and the internal problem of trying to hold it together for yourself and your family.
I hope you find peace soon, I know I am in desparate need of that and yet can’t quite explain my situation at this point, suffice to say I have constant neurological pain that has been tossed with diagnosis of MS or Fibro or arthritis, with no real treatment other than to be doped up on pills, which leaves me missing important steps in my sons’ lives, and feeling a burden to my partner, who has been diagnosed with depression and bails when my health takes a turn for the worse.
I have no family in this city to which i moved to be with him five years ago, and second guess that life decision almost daily now…but I can not lose control because my kids depend on me…so it’s a struggle internally every waking moment, especially these last two weeks, and today I am finally going to see my doctor at a night clinic (they couldn’t fit me in for over a week to see him in his regular office) and am going to admit i can’t handle the pain and discomfort anymore and that he must do something else or I’m going to our hospital emergency department and not leaving…but first i’ll make sure there is someone who can care for my kids, and that’s the sad part…
I wish you all peace and comfort if but just today…



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Penny Russell

posted May 22, 2008 at 11:57 am


Apparently I have been fighting BP my whole life. It wasn’t until I tried cutting myself and the next weekend getting Baker Acted that I was able to talk to someone and discovered that this is where I’ve been and where I’ll always be, fighting depression. I am on meds. some days I have to anti up the mgs. I now know the routine of falling into a black hole, so I’m ready to fight. The one thing I do is let my husband and children know that I’m falling, I’m fighting, but I need their patience and support really bad at these times.
I went thru a lot of problems at work, but with the help and understanding of my manager, we were able to work on my best working times. Because I’ve made mistakes at work, reason – not having a clear mind and not feeling ‘well’, I have had to fight to keep my job. 3 years with the Olive Garden in Port Charlotte, Florida and we get a new manager. Unwilling to work with me, he messed with my hours and continually hounded me and my work. He tried to make me quit but I stood my ground. Extra Prosac and stubbornness kept me going. But then one day I forgot to ring in a dessert. He knew it, proceeded to cash out the customer and then told me I was done for the day and a decision would be made. I was fired. I then applied for unemployment as the season is over and there is no hiring of waitress’ out there.
At first my depression really took over, but I fought, hard.
I keep busy walking, cleaning, keeping up my garden, painting, reading whatever to keep my mind clear.
Right now we are struggling with keeping our home, paying bills and feeding 3 teenagers. My husband is between business’ and does side work whenever available, but we’re in a mess.
Some days I want to pack it up and go home, but love, family and all my junk keeps me here.
I wish some days I had a friend that I could talk to that really understood this BP stuff. Someone to go to a movie with, or just sit and have tea. Someone that won’t laugh or think I’m crazy and it’s all in my head. Well guess what – it is.
I read the blogs daily. some days there’s a person out there that I feel is ‘me’. going thru the same things.
I write once in awhile and but checking back there’s no response and no words of support. It’s like I write all this just to hear myself talk and again no one is listening or cares. I’m put into the pile of blogs and forgotten. Feeling alone and ‘depressed’ once again I leave to go clean my kitchen.
I send all of you my prayers, thoughts and love. Keep on keeping on.
One day at a time and faith.
Sincerely, Penny



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Donna

posted May 22, 2008 at 1:11 pm


I just read your post, Therese, and some others. I feel terrible for all of you who have BiPolar Disorder and are having a relapse. Or just feeling so down that you don’t see anything positive in your life.
I have felt that way sometimes. I make it a habit each day to thank God for all the good stuff in my life. Big and small. And I have friends to talk to, who can help you unload your emotions.
Sometimes you just need a change of scenery, with no responsibilites for a bit, to help give you a shot in the arm of feeling free and good for a bit. Sometimes you need to go back to the doctor or shrink for meds or a change in your meds to feel better. Don’t stay in this place of feeling so negative about life!! Get help!!



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wendy

posted May 23, 2008 at 1:17 am


This reply/comment is for Penny R. The main thing I wanted to say is you are not alone, either in how you feel emotionally, nor in the sense that you don’t get feedback when you talk. When I read your post I felt so bad for you, as it’s bad enough to be battling a problem in body or mind, but to feel there’s no one out there is so awful. Please know that I will be checking back here and looking for your posts to talk to you, so you will never be alone. God and I will be thinking of you even when you don’t know it.
If there are other boards or blogs that you talk on, what are they? I hope I don’t sound too forward, but the aloneness you can feel in this depressed state is so hard to convey to others who aren’t in it is so isolating. As the beginning of this post says, what helps is to know that you’ve been down there before and you did get back up out of that pit. It’s just when you’re down there in the pit, the darkness prevents you from seeing the eventual way back up and out.
Please know there are being who care, especially the lovely woman who runs this site, and those of us who share your problems.
My best to you Penny, and also all who also are trying to find the light in a sometimed very dark room.
wendy



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sheila

posted May 24, 2008 at 8:35 am


i fight this ugly disease too. it is horrible



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Charles P. Lucas

posted May 24, 2008 at 9:12 am


I read your post and really feel for you! I have been where you are and go there often. My bipolar is not fully controllable. Spent to many years self medicating and fried my brain. That’s beyond the point though. I’m a rapid cycler that finally has 71/2 years clean through the 12 steps, thanks to Buddha for them! It is also largely through the help of my Psychotherapy team that has gotten me this far. In these 71/2 years I am still in weekly therapy and will be for years to come. Meds are one thing but are only good for so much for me. I cycle at times on a day to day basis and can go from a deep depreesion to a mean manic at the spoken word, I’m not the happy go lucky upside bipolar, I’m a very mean person when I’m there and I hate it and myself when I go there and drive myself into seclution just as as bad as I isolate in a depression. It is readings like yous that also help me know that I am not the only person that gets caught “looking out into space” ,I get caught doing that all of the time, people think it’s because it’s because of all of the meds I’m on Bipolar, and non Bipolar meds. However, I think you know what I mean.



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Penny R

posted May 24, 2008 at 12:37 pm


Dear Wendy,
Thank you for your uplifting letter.
Today is a good day. I feel right with myself and have a clear mind.
It was an exciting day Friday as our cat had kittens. Everyone watched and we are amazed at how Miss Sadie cares for her babies.
I enjoy days like today when the sun is bright and there are no clouds hanging over my soul. I do pray daily and rely on God every day to keep me on top of the mountain.
Today I leave the mess in the kitchen for someone else as I sit outside listening to music, soaking up sun. Today I leave everything where it is so that it only belongs to me.
As all of us struggle each day with BP I believe the best remedy is to take time for yourself, not worry about what needs to be done and just relax. I plan on working in the garden and then taking my daily walk.
Please continue to write me. It made my heart happy to read your letter.
Keep your heads up high, spirits high and sing a song.
love, Penny



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Penny

posted May 28, 2008 at 1:12 pm


Dear friends: I have been reading blogs this past week. Even went back to the beginning. Amazing how many of us are out there.
I have some ideas that work for me and may work for you.
Besides all the walking, biking etc. that we all do, which is great,
I have found that going thru the Belief.net sites can be relaxing, fun, rewarding and educational. I even get into some of the fun quizzes, go into the Bible study sites, music sites. If all you do is read our depression blogs, it can become “depressing”. Write a blog about how nice it is today to be alive. Write about something that happened when you were little that made you happy. Just reading and writing about our problems cannot be good for us. Get a happy book. Lori – You have little children, get a book on nursery rhymes and read them outloud, make different voices for the characters. Force yourself to get out of bed.
Take the children to the park and get on a swing or go down the slide.
Play hop scotch, draw pictures on the driveway with chalk.
Paint with colored pudding with the little ones and eat the pudding when you’re finished. I just bought a 10 x10 swimming pool, just big enough. My son, who is 14 and me have a riot just splashing around acting like little children. Please I understand the gray areas and black hole. I fight every day. But I refuse to let it get the best of me. Lori, are you anywhere near Port Charlotte, Florida ?
Keep in touch with me. I can be a good friend and I could use a good friend myself. One that understands and knows our pleasures and pains.
Take care . Love Penny



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gmarilov

posted June 2, 2008 at 11:49 pm


HELLO BLOGGERS, forthree consecutive days ,i was out of sorts and control , i do not take prescriptions after several attempts of trying to get the right medication the right dosage and the horrible seemingly induced states of syptoms , made a decision to rely completely on good ol fashion faith and perseverance that the GOD of my undrstanding will restore me to sanity if i rightly relate myself to him and trust him alone , as trying as that may feel, nor how traumatic the mental episode can be so intense i am relying that he will do what he said he can do, it may take time it make take years yet i am trusting he will fully restore me in my mot intrinsic cellular structure last time i checke dhe is able to stand over his word t o watch it it be performed with this mustard seed of faith im trusting him to that whih he said he can do .we shoul dnot allow ourselves to be crushed by our mistakes.we shouldpick ourselves up,do what we can to alleviate the damagethat we may have caused and get on with our lives.in fact we should really have amindset that plans om making mistakes. not in the sense of actually trying ti do something wrong but in the sense that because we are humanwe know that we will err and that are error s may be costly and painful.our favorite cup will sometimes be brokenbecause we or someelse will break it. most car crashes are caused by human error, and we can wallow in our guiltafter an accident , or we dust ourselves off,and move on with our lives. im not suggesting that we be callous with our. acertain amount of guilt and remorse are is appropiate, but it is important that we do not wallow in self pity precisely because that attitudemakes it more difficultto help those we have harmed.for we all make many mistakes, and if anyone makes no mistakesin what she says she is a perfect woman, able to bridle the whole body also JAMES 3;2 THIS came from a newspaper clipping after three days of a episode . alot of my diagnoses are to me also a collaberation of a life filled with childhood trauma[ severe] at a certain point the self defaeting thoughts and sexaual and physical abuse took me to the gates of hell and repeated episodes of committing suicide. sometimes these feeling s and thought of being mentally and psychologically traumatized ateempt to take me hostage all over again. that usaully happens when i forget i have no control on what other people do or sa y and o forget to pray and to fin d moment s of quietness and prayer and i lose all focus on reality.and i become my own worst enemy because of how i am talking to myself mentally ,and the haunting of my past comes over and i forget that the past has no power over me ,and nobody can hurt me anymore and i dont have to buse myself for things iv done and that its ok for me to love myself and its ok for me to ask for help and its ok for me to exspress what im feeling what im thinking and to remember that there my thoughts im choosing to think them,to not be afraid of what people think and to just go through, that in going through it takes more courage to not hafe to even know why to not even hafe to , and yet allowing myself to exspress the frustration. that the best i can do is too not be foul to another human being , to knowing that i am exactly whereever it is iam that it is always passing…to not beat mysef up… i really hold to the fact that with perseverance and staying close to strong women of spiritual support and daily devotionof scripture that the lord in all his tenderness will restore me ti right mindedness sometimes were healed quickly sometimes we hafe to do things we really dont beleive could work but he said it and i believe it , noone apart6 from the savior was perfect all men and women had one thing or another that they struggled with if we were all in perfect health would we seek him out sometimes i really believe moreover that we have human frailties just so we will draw close to him in his undeserving kindness and tender mercies yet its also quite possble that we have not for we ask not . there are children born with no limbs, women born in societys were they can do nothing but prostitute theirselves to food on their tables for their children. their are children who are born and prostuting by the time there eight years old and little boys too, there are childreen born with terminal illnessess who have no cure and women born who have chrons disease who can eat nothing but oatmeal or yogurt and cannot even eat a juicy hamburger , there are sixteen year olds who there first drinking in a blackout who have woken up from a coma to have found themselves completely paralyzed from the neck down and told they will never walk again , there are blind men twenty years old who cannot leave their house unless accompanied by a seing eye dogwhi are completely parplegic down one side of their body who drag there leg down the street with as as much dignity as they can possibly muster with thier head up and face to the sun……what prblems do we have ???? we may not be able to do anything about the cards we have been dealed but we are responsible for how we play them…..PEACE IN………….



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Debra Rincon Lopez

posted June 8, 2008 at 8:17 pm


I am also Bi Polar, I am also in recovery, I used just sit and home and wait for the depressive feeling to come and go. I used to make excuses to use, everytime things did’nt go my way. I got so tired of feeling sick and depressed. I had to do something about it. I had my bout with meds, and none worked to my satisfaction. So I decided to work on me, only I can help me, it’s all about the way you feel. If you want to feel sorry for yourself go right ahead. But If you don’t theres other choice out there. Read, and talk to people with your same problems. Find a way for you to deal with your minds way of thinking. It took so long for me to find a medium place in the middle. Just think about what I’ve said and think real hard about what to do next. Later, Debra Rincon.



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eva

posted June 9, 2008 at 4:19 pm


Hello,
I agree with Debra. I have struggled with my moods for many years too.No meds fully helped, too many side effects.Structure helps me the most, making a plan and sticking to it, using every ounce of my support systems, especially when I feel terrible, prayer, and more prayer and meditation daily, a 12 step program, (a therapist not forever, I don’t believe in that at some point u have to find a way to cope!)Excercise and more talking especially when I feel down and focusing on the positive, writing, eventually something just shifts.Making sure I sleep and eat in a healthy way, too.Also having a safety plan helps if your alone, that’s even more critical, having a safe person to talk too if you need help getting to a professional.Keeping stress to a minimum if that’s possible in this world.
Eva



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Karen

posted June 13, 2008 at 6:36 pm


I, too, struggle so much with my agoraphobia and PTSD and anxiety and tons of panic attacks daily. I feel like a prisoner in my own home and mind. I am scared to take my Golden Retriever outside of my apartment for him to go potty, even. For his sake, I wear a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses and stand in the hallway behing the glass door and let him out and watch him through the door. I am paralyzed, to go outside, with fear. I am scared to bathe or take a shower. I feel very vulnerable doing that. How do I overcome such obstacles? I am totally medicated with sedatives and anti-depressants and mood stabilers….yet none seem to help me go outside or calm my racing heart at the mere thought of it. Any advice given would be highly appreciated.



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Donna

posted June 19, 2008 at 1:20 pm


I never realized that so many people had biopoluar. It feels good not to be the only person suffering from this,I do beleive there are different levels in biopoluar.Like B.P.I & II.Maybe even more!I knowest my problem starting up when I was abused for 11 years.The more stress I am under the more it triggers a mania & anxiety attaks.Its been 15 years since that relationship and I still have flash backs of it all.My mind races when this happens.I hate it.But it is getting a little better as times goes by.Iam happily marridto awonderfull new man.He is so good for me.Ifeel better and myB.P. is better in control.Plus I do keep with alot of my self talents.Any that would like a friend with similar problems.My arms arewide open for you!!! Thanks & Do take Care, Donna



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corey

posted July 30, 2008 at 4:57 pm


I understand depression because I get that way at times. I was paralyzed in a car wreck on feb 8th, 2008. Im 24 years old and sometimes being paralyzed gets 2 me…its hard when u can’t do most things that u could do but, I fight the depression by having faith and god in my life because things could have been worse and when I look around the world I feel tnat I am blessed because most kids don’t even get to see my age so I don’t complain. My life is reality so I deal with it. life ain’t easY…FIGHT YOUR DEPRESSION.



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Wolvie150

posted December 29, 2009 at 11:52 am


I am a suffere of Bipolar DISORDER and ADD. My child also suffers from Asperger’s. Lik yourself, I have a web site designed both for understanding from a medical standpoint, but also from the free-form expression of the mood when i post, so those that don’t suffer can, perhaps, get a bit of an insight.
Sometimes they are of hope, but a lot of times it is the frustration of mixed state sufferer.
Good luck with your site! I truely hope it accomplishes your goal!!!



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Michelle

posted December 29, 2009 at 2:00 pm


Thank you for reposting this. I am new to this website, and it is a breath of fresh air to be reminded that I am not alone. Others struggle, too. I often have to fight a battle inside my own head. I can become frustrated, thinking, “Why am I going through this again?” as if I have taken a step backwards. It’s not a step back. Each time I win the fight, each time I have a “good” day, shows me that I am progressing forward. Keep up the fight!



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Your Name

posted December 30, 2009 at 4:49 am


Therese I just want to thank you for your incredible site. i struggle with depression and have been in a state of rejecting the medical model. In fact, I have been kind of using your site as therapy. Thanks to you though I’m ready to try it again with therapy. Thanks again for all you to and I wish a wonderful 2010 to everyone!



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xcvcv

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Lu Ann

posted March 24, 2010 at 9:13 am


I just stumbled across your site a week or so ago and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been in a setback for a couple (few??? I’ve lost count) months now. I’m a 47 year old with four sons and have been married for 23 years. This morning I’m near tears and I just want to give up….why….I don’t know!! I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. Mornings seem to be the hardest for me and it doesn’t help that my work hours have been cut. I’m a nurse which is an accomplishment I probably would not have pursued had it now been for this dreaded disease. I’ve been a nervous person my entire life but sometime after my last son was born my nerves started to unravel bit by bit. It became obvious what I was doing wasn’t working and I found a Dr. who eventualllllllllllyyyyyyy found the right combination of meds. I’ve had to change meds a few times over the years and this last change hasn’t been going so well. I tried Cymbalta and hated the side effects. I swear it completely stopped my digestive system. I’ve never been so constipated. How do you deal with all the side effects? So now he wants me to try Prozac. Can you believe I’ve never been on Prozac?? I’m dreading it. I’ve actually weaned myself off cymbalta—that’s another story…and am stalling on starting Prozac. I’m toying with the idea of stopping everything even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m soo tired of the trial/error/side effects/wait and see process.
I’m sorry for the rant but I’m just so overwhelmed and I don’t have a lot of support at home. I love my husband but he pretty much doesn’t want to hear there’s anything wrong. His biggest complaint is decreased sex drive. “Do you really need those meds?” I DON”T KNOW!!!! Thanks for this site and for your book which I just got. It really helps to know others are struggling and succeeding!!!



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Michael

posted March 24, 2010 at 9:14 am


I’ve felt this way myself lately although I am bottling it up inside. I just can’t get excited about anything and I am very bored with my job and life in general. I’m trying to reach out and do some new things to break out of this rut. I am hopeful the nicer weather will provide an elixir to get me going again. I’m finding my temper is quite short. Little things that shouldn’t matter really piss me off. I knew Depression is “anger turned inward” so none of this surprises me. Like you, I get frustrated when the symptoms return.



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Wanda

posted March 25, 2010 at 11:04 am


Thank you so much for your posts. Like others, when I go through these relapses I think I am all alone. It is encouraging to read that others go through this and survive, and so will I. Sometimes I really don’t want to survive and wish that I could just die and get it over with. But I know that is not the answer, so just for today I will try one more time to make it.



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Jill

posted March 25, 2010 at 8:51 pm


I am relapsing too,so thank you for this.



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blanche

posted March 28, 2010 at 4:31 pm


What works for me is distraction, patience, and the right combination. I’ve been doing better the last couple months, and so far so good. I’ve relapsed quite a bit a before the last couple months and am doing better now.
I wish all of you good luck and will pray for you.



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blanche

posted March 28, 2010 at 4:33 pm


I meant the right combination of meds, sorry.



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Sally

posted August 8, 2011 at 9:59 am


Having a “set back” myself, thanks for reminding me that “this too shall pass”.



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therese

posted August 8, 2011 at 10:52 am


Hi, Love You. With you.And by the way,did you recently have surgery for appendicitis? If so that’s a major trauma and needs a good year to really recover yourself from. Be kind to yourself in whatever way you can. I’m going to get a real hair cut today hoping it will “cheer me up”. Remember it does get better I hope you feel some relief from the dark clouds very soon.You are such a lifeline. Be well .



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Mary

posted August 8, 2011 at 1:14 pm


Therese-I’m getting over a bad cold from last week and have been so afraid I’ll slip back into the pit of despair. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to recover from a major health scare like yours. Keep at it, don’t give up, and cut yourself lots of slack as you heal.

I’m hoping this brightens your day a bit, but I just stumbled on a link at Health.com with 12 Great Blogs for People With Depression, and you are the 4th site listed. Congratulations on the good work you are doing!

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20418363_4,00.html



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MelissaB

posted August 8, 2011 at 2:02 pm


Therese, I am so with you here in “the darkness”. I use the idea of the heavy dark curtain always looming ready to fall but I think maybe the idea of camouflage to blend in is better. I certainly am in the deep woods with my yucky thoughts. I will be seeking out the bright pink hibiscus and will just walk on through the journey hoping to choose wisely along the way. Bless you for your wise and kind words.



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tutelstar

posted August 9, 2011 at 5:20 am


I’ve been scared that I’m slipping into relapse the past days. I’ve been hurting myself everyday, and wishing to God that tomorrow won’t come. Sigh. Glad I’m not alone in this.



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Paul Moore

posted August 9, 2011 at 7:39 am


Just the number of the responses to your post today should be one more confimration that your “savvy editor” is ineed so–you write from wehre you are, and in so doing, you teach each of us that we are, we are not alone. Thanks for helping to calm me as I came into work and confronted the morning e-mail after having Monday off. God Bless you and keep you and your family.



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Mary

posted August 9, 2011 at 7:59 am


Therese,

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Your blog means so much to me and has helped me in so many ways.

Be kind to yourself as you continue to fight the good fight against the disease.



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Nancy

posted August 9, 2011 at 8:28 am


Thanks for re-posting this one, Therese. I’ve been sinking the last couple of days and this has helped…true, knowing it’s only temporary helps, but in the moment the pain is still real.



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Stephaie

posted August 9, 2011 at 9:45 am


Dear Therese,

As in every morning I check my work mail, your message is mailed to me…but not every morning am I able to read it. This morning I did though, and it is amazing that I was able to read it, because it is exactly what I am going through now. It gave me a lot of hope…because all of the feelings you describe especially of guilt and failure is so much my experience…that it is nearly debilitating. I am currently receiving the TMS therapy…I have had one week. I felt better after the first administration…and the second…but then by the third I had a setback because of something that I had failed to do and failed to feel…and this began the downward spiral. How powerful the feelings of failure and guilt are…they are even more powerful than magnetic pulses, as I am coming to understand. I cast myself on God’s mercy to assist me, as I know you do also every day,

With much Love



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Allison

posted August 9, 2011 at 10:55 am


This sounds so familiar. While I don’t wish the cycle of depression on anyone, it’s also good to have company. Recently, some family drama pushed me over the edge and I ended up in the same place; not sleeping, consuming mounds of kleenex, etc. My husband told me I was being irrational and I completely agreed with him, but it did nothing to change my feelings. So much for cognitive-behavioral therapy and strategies! The grim reality is that sometimes you can’t reason your way out of the emotional storm. You just have to wait it out. Thanks for the reminder that there are good things in the future; it’s just not visible right now. It reminds me of I Corinthians 13:12, “For now we see through a glass, darkly…” Thanks again, Therese!



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Mary Morin

posted August 9, 2011 at 2:36 pm


What many do not realize about bipolar and other mental illnesses, is that besides having a link to nutrition, allergies and other physical/chemical issues, need for rest, exercise, stress reduction and the like; there is the soul/emotional connection where relationships, trauma, offenses, self-knowledge and freedom come into play; and these are where we focus most of our attention. Our spiritual disciplines are good, and so helpful – God does comfort and strengthen us – but we are woefully ignorant of the activity of the kingdom of darkness, and the demonic spirits of suicide, depression, insanity, strife, rage, etc. that must be confronted and renounced in order to be ultimately, and fully free. The reason, Therese, that you keep on having relapses is most likely related to this; like many of us, you probably have not had much – if any – training or teaching on the spirit realm. Remember, this is what Jesus said he came for – to disarm the powers and principalities of darkness – and to give us back the power to overcome them ourselves. God will do His part, but He will not do everything. He wants us to grow up and become “little Christs.” That’s pure B-I-B-L-E. You can email me for more info at mmorin77@gmail.com



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jami

posted August 9, 2011 at 9:04 pm


I can only share what my dear sister said to me during my last episode. “You are so going to get over this”
Sounds trite, but it stuck and I’ll never forget it.



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Deb

posted August 9, 2011 at 9:47 pm


You will never know how much you have and continue to help me. I know I’m not alone, and though it feels like it, it maybe really isn’t my fault when I feel this way. Thank you so much. God Bless!



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Julie

posted August 10, 2011 at 12:46 pm


I just read this blog today and wanted to tell you that I totally understand where you are. I have been there many, many times and it is a horrible place to be, however, today I am not there…..so rest assured……you can muddle your way through and maybe feel better tomorrow or the next day, but hopefully soon. Don’t push yourself….just do what you can do today.



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James

posted August 10, 2011 at 11:49 pm


This was the first post I ever read on your blog, and I still carry it around in my head today. And here it is again. It moved me then and it moves me now. We really do this one day at a time, don’t we? Thank you. And thank you for still being here.



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psychaz

posted August 13, 2011 at 5:02 pm


To the Mary Morin’s of the world…

What a sanctimonious post. It is abundantly clear by your response that you have never experienced the ravages of having bipolar and have absolutely no idea, nor have you read about Therese’s struggle in her book, Beyond Blue. Well, allow me to enlighten you. It’s like this… when the trap door opens up under us in the blink of an eye we find ourselves free falling into this dark abyss and we can’t get out of it no matter how much we want to, no matter how hard are we try, no matter how much we pray, and the words of the Bible become hollow, meaningless words printed on a page—there is no hope in this place, there is no future, only overwhelming pain and relentless tears… and we want to die. It is an overwhelming, suffocating, life-sucking, desolate place.

For me personally, I am woefully aware of the putting on the armor of God in Ephesians 6 – and for you to purport otherwise that those with bipolar are ignorant about the Bible is so not Christ-like at all—to elevate yourself as having it altogether because of your biblical knowledge about the principalities of darkness falls more so into the Pharisees’ camp.

I for one cling very tightly to God while this heaven and hell battle being waged over me intensifies and the taunts to “complete” (if you are not aware, “complete” means being successful in a suicide attempt) become louder and louder and race to the forefront faster and faster as the “solution” while verses fire back in rapid succession . . . Choose life! Choose life! Choose life!! Jeremiah 29:11 says your plans for me are for good, not to harm me . . . Joshua 1:7 says to be strong and courageous, do not terrified or discouraged for the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go . . . Jesus said there will be trials and tribulations in this world, expect them, but that he’s overcome the world . . . I repeat the 23rd Psalms over and over and over . . . and then there’s Job’s wife screaming at me to curse God and die . . . but Job counters saying the Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. SSTOPPPP!!!! I desperately cling to God begging Him not to let go of me . . . please don’t leave me in this dark place, please don’t forget you said in your Word that you will never let go. Please… God…

I see a licensed professional counselor and she and my pastor (for whom I transcribed all of his sermons so, yes, I know my Bible) are the only people that I have met during this dark journey who do not judge me and do not dish out the usual smug pat responses that self-righteous Christians do . . . you need to pray more . . . you need to read the Bible more . . . a “good” Christian doesn’t respond to adversity like that . . . count your blessings . . . think happy and positive thoughts . . . remember — the Lord helps them who help themselves . . . keep a stiff upper lip . . . pull yourself up by your bootstraps . . . suck it up and move on, stop feeling sorry for yourself . . . (did you know the cliché “the Lord helps them who help themselves” is not biblical at all?)

I have had the elders anoint me with oil and pray over me in accordance with Mark 5:14… yet I still have Bipolar Type 2.

So tell me, do you also tell cancer patients it’s pure B-I-B-L-E and if they would simply disarm the powers and principalities of darkness that they would not have cancer? Did you skip over the book of Job? Particularly the epilogue in chapter 42 where God confronts Job’s so-called friends who insisted Job had done something to bring on all of his afflictions?

Please take a moment to lay your eyes on Romans 12:5 where it says, “Be sad with those who are sad.” And don’t forget that Jesus himself experienced overwhelming darkness while hanging on the cross, so much so that even He cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:33-34)



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psychaz

posted August 13, 2011 at 5:19 pm


Therese,
A simple thank you – Thank you for having the courage to display your journey with BP2 for all to see. It is a gift from God to be able to minister to others through this blog and your books. You are a blessing.



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Kayla

posted August 14, 2011 at 6:46 am


I read your bloc a lot, but this time I really felt the urge to comment because you described how I feel so often. I haven’t studied as much as you, but I have this instinctual understanding of humans in general, especially people with mental illnesses like depression. I also suffer from bipolar disorder and boarder line schizoprenia paranoid type. So when I’m having my moment of insanity and it seems like the world is going to end, then I realize.. this is just the depression, or paranoia. Of course, that usually just upsets me because if air KNOW this is what’s happening, why am I letting it control me? I understand it isn’t something I can control, but when I get depressed, it doesn’t matter, because my mind screams that I should understand and therefore it shouldn’t effect me. So this post really hit home. I hope you feel better soon. I’m impressed you’re able to at least take care of your responsibilities, even if you cry while doing them. Thanks for letting the rest of us know we’re not alone.



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Pingback: Is It a Relapse? – Beyond Blue a reblog | Life Beyond Bipolar

Nicole

posted August 16, 2012 at 11:20 am


Thank you for reposting this. I can totally relate to this as I recently have been on the crashing wave side of my bi-polar, after having been well for so long (like at least 3 months! :D). I never refer to mine as a relapse though because I’m not moving backwards–I have hope now that it will get better and I have tools to use that will get me out of it–eventually. I accept (or well I’m working in therapy to accept) that right now bipolar is chronic–so I will likely still have bad waves in the future…but they are not relapses to me. They are just one more opportunity to show the world how great I can surf and overcome those waves!



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Rita

posted August 22, 2012 at 6:18 am


Therese, do you find that, you can be sailing along for a couple of weeks (that’s as long as my boat has sailed) and then suddenly physical and/or mental stress causes your world to fall apart into depression again? I”m so disappointed, having reached a place where I wasn’t waking up every morning with horrible depression, to suddenly be doing so again. But I have so many health problems all of a sudden and mental anxiety. Is it ever going to be better again? Am I ever going to feel less depressed again? I so much want a real future. Is my future with bipolar just one battle with depression over and over again for the rest of my life? I can’t even bear to look as far ahead as next month.



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oldblackdog

posted August 25, 2012 at 3:23 pm


I reread another good post today, and wandered into this one. I wish you health and happiness, but am thankful for your honest sharing of harder times. In this one – when you spoke of all the ” right” things you do, the things that are supposed to help us preserve our heads and bodies – it sounded familiar…And aren’t we the first to criticize ourselves, suspecting that we failed somehow to do everything — when, really, all those things aren’t enough. When we are up against things we have no power over…



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moda otoño invierno 2012 mujer

posted October 27, 2012 at 10:57 am


Saludos, solo decirte que me ha gustado encontrar tu site en bing. he puesto en mi site un link a tu pagina web. Mi site tiene un PR de 4.saludetes!



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