Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


6 Reasons Why It’s Good to Be a Loser

posted by Beyond Blue

6 Reasons Why Its Good to Be a LoserIt was impossible to miss the white sign that hung over the wall of Saint Mary’s high school lacrosse field yesterday. The thing was as tall as our two-story house with letters as big as construction cranes. With just one word: “Prom?” On the hill behind it stood an adorable high-school junior with red roses. It would have been a perfect scene right out of a Jennifer Aniston movie… had she said yes. Ouch. So the poor guy packed up the humongous sign and his roses, and walked to his car with his chin buried in his chest.

I wish I could have run up to him and said, “This experience will make you stronger in the long run … trust me.” Because that’s not just a shallow attempt at consolation. It’s absolutely true.

John Grohol wrote a great piece the other day, “Be the Unpopular Kid” about how those of us who were not prom queens or football quarterbacks fare well in the world, perhaps better than our popular counterparts, because we have learned life skills that cheerleaders haven’t.

Looking back, I’m glad that I was an acne-ridden loser in junior high with a popular twin sister.

Yes, it’s true… it built character. I learned that self-assurance is available to anyone who can develop a strong sense of self in the midst of meanness and stupidity. And I don’t think it’s merely a coincidence that my more intelligent, interesting, and successful friends wore the big L on their foreheads during the first two decades of their lives.

We really ought to celebrate our loserhood. Here are six reasons why.

1. We are realistic.

Unpopular folks have low expectations, which is a very good thing, because they never take anything for granted. It’s kind of like a boy from a third-world country walking into a supermarket to find 30 different kinds of cereals. Whoooahh! Now had the boy been brought up on the Kennedy compound with a driver who delivered him to the front door of the store so that he didn’t have to amble his way out to the parking lot, poor thing, then that boy is not going to fare so well as soon as he has to go grocery shopping for the first time in college. With a budget of $5.

2. We are resilient.

In a great piece called “What Makes Us,” blogger Erika Napoletano explains why high school losers are resilient among other things: “You can kick us time and time again and we’ll find ways to hide, morph, adapt and thrive.” Resilience not only serves a person well for her emotional well-being, but can be the difference between success and failure in the professional world. Just like the Japanese proverb says, “Fall seven times, get up eight,” a person who doesn’t let the personal blows prevent him from pursuing his goal is the winner in the end.

3. We are independent.

Popular people depend on the praise of their “subjects.” If you take away the loyal people who answer to them, they are not popular. So, essentially, they are a slave to others and popular opinion. Now the loser, by contrast, is completely independent. He doesn’t have to rely on anyone to say what he can and can’t do. If playing a trombone (like John Grohol, sorry John) is considered a very loser thing to do, he can do it anyway, because he can’t really become any more unpopular. I suppose it’s like being the least popular presidential candidate. That person can push any agenda he wants, because no one really cares about him. He’s free!

4. We are compassionate.

I don’t know if a prom queen would have felt a pang in her heart yesterday when that poor guy walked away rejected. But anyone who has ever experienced a similar kind of humiliation certainly would. Because, as American author Frederick Buechner, writes, “Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too.” At my old workplace, I bonded with a fellow twin who was on my administrative team. We formed an “ugly twin club” and laughed about all the mean comments we had been told over the years.

5. We are humble.

There is nothing uglier than arrogance. And few things are as endearing as humility. The virtue of humility lies at the heart of our humanity. It is the instrument with which we bond with each other. Every leader, in order to gain the trust of the people, must speak with humility. Every friend. Every classmate. Anyone who wants to connect with someone other than himself must operate with humility. Says Nelson Mandela: “Great peacemakers are all people of integrity, of honesty, but humility.”

6. We are resourceful.

When there is no one to sit next to at lunch, you learn to be creative and resourceful. Consider all the ingenious schemes that Greg Heffley designs in Jeff Kinney’s bestselling book series “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.” They fail, of course, leading to even more embarrassment. But if we follow the kid to adulthood, I’m sure that he will be CEO of some company, or a senior software design specialist, or a really rich Hollywood screenwriter. Because his brain was trained very early on to think out of the box.

Originally published on PsychCentral.com.

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Drew

    The only one I got was compassion. Being a loser solidified my depression for the next 30 years. If I had one wish in life, it would have been to have known I had ADHD then instead of finding out at 52. Life has mostly sucked thus far and it is gonna take years, if it is even possible, to turn around all of my stinkin thinkin starting with some of the worst years of my life.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Marcia

    EXCELLENT post !!! Every word is the truth.. I have lived it !
    Thank you !

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Paula

    Drew, I’m like you, only I have 10 years on you. I’m 64 actually and just now finding out that I’m Bi-polar. If someone had listened when I tried to tell them something was wrong with me when I was 12 or 13, but that was back in the “dark ages” of mental illness. I just hope I have enough time left to enjoy a fairly normal life now that my moods have evened out. I’m not a loser, just sick, and didn’t know what to call it.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment John

    Forgive me for this comment which isn’t related to the topic at hand, but, can someone tell me if there is a Beyond Blue support group, and, if so, where the link is? I’d like to communicate with other Beyond Blue readers – commiserate, as it were, and share. Please assist. . .

  • http://lifebeyondbipolar.blogspot.com Alexandria Davis

    Thanks for posting this. It has been one of those weeks so far. This made me feel better. I am resilient and resourceful. It will all work out.
    God is good!!!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Mimi

    Yes – all true…with a big ‘but’. We don’t see things as the ‘normals’ do. I’m 65 and bi-polar and I don’t ever seem to have gotten it right. There’s too much gray for me, I can see all sides to an argument, have no apparent common sense, and have trouble making decisions. Not even my family takes me seriously!!

    But yes – we’re good at picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off, to start all over again. It’s what we do.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Susie

    Thanks again Therese, I really get this. My one year older sister….she was”it”, I was not. I can say that I am much happier than she is now, and my children are also much happier and more content than her one and only better than perfect child. If it sounds like I still have issues with this, not really. The evolution of understanding my “growing up” has been very therapeutic. Understanding has made me very aware if how I interact with my children. I NEVER want them to feel like I did.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Patty

    After years of wondering why I had to be so different from others, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I have suffered from depression most of my life. As a child I too was taunted by being called Patty Fatty and compared by my best friend’s mother to her petite, perfect girls. She even told me my fingers were bigger than theirs. I would like to say that I have overcome such nonsense but on some level it is still there. I married a man who was abusive verbally and physically, took it for ten years and then he left me. I picked myself up dusted my butt off and started my life over with a six year old, no job and no money. I did it and it made me stronger and more determined to show that no good what a good woman was made of. I have been doing it for a long time now. I am 51 and raising another child byself and couldn’t be happier most days. Sometimes the ghost try to take me over and the devil tells me I’m no good but I just pick myself up and know that God does not make junk. Prayer is a wonderful thing and it has been God that has brought me through it all. Good luck to all who suffer and to those that have pushed through, God bless and continue to keep you.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment gustave verdult

    Humility, to realize the low place that belongs to us, allows God to enter our hearts. Guess what? He bestows in us the grace of WISDOM.
    gustaveverdult.com

  • http://Idon'twanttobealoser! Inga

    Being a “loser” does nor appeal to me.I have noticed that there two kinds of depression:#1, is clinical the kind that a person is born with and#2 situational depression, the kind that the person can actually do something about.The 1st kind, needs meds and therapy. The 2nd the person just need the guts to find ways to walk out of it. I believe at times any human being that ever has been born suffers from some form of depression in their life, therefore we all get a turn at being a “loser”!

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