Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Regarding the Midlife Crisis …

posted by Beyond Blue

birthdaycandles.jpeg
Since I turned 40 over the weekend, I thought we’d discuss the midlife crisis and whether or not it exists…
Am I having a midlife crisis?
Hard to say. Things, for the most part, seem to be getting harder, not easier, and with each passing day, I swear I’m getting more stupid. Case in point: a guy two doors down has a car detailing business. Up until yesterday, I just thought he really liked washing his car.
“You didn’t see that the car was different each time?” Eric asked me, shaking his head.
“Nope.”
I see it with my friends, too. Girlfriends who have sweated their way to a corner office in respectable accounting firms have decided to drop it all to nurture their inner artist and see if they can make a living on their colorful creations.
So it was with interest that I read Stefanie Weiss’s archived piece in the Washington Post about the midlife crisis (which you can get to by clicking here). Is it for real? To test her theory she interviewed five experts: two psychologists, an economist, a journalist, and a cultural anthropologist.
Here’s what they had to say.

Expert #1: It’s not about the nines, and it’s not about a midlife crisis, either.
Laura Carstensen, a psychology professor and founding director of the Stanford Center on Longevity, flat-out rejected my theory of a series of midlife crises. In fact, she said, for most people, even one crisis in midlife would be a lot.
“There is no empirical evidence for a midlife crisis,” Carstensen said. “It’s just not typical that people in midlife are unhappy. Now,” she was quick to add, “that doesn’t mean that people in the middle of their lives don’t sometimes have a hard time. They do. But they aren’t more at risk for a crisis in midlife than at other times in their lives.”
The real crisis, Carstensen suggested, may be at a much earlier nine: 19. “Negative emotion declines from early adulthood to pretty advanced old age. That’s been shown in dozens of studies. Twenty-year-olds show the highest levels of negative emotions, and it’s a steady linear decline to 60, when it levels off. You begin to see a slight upturn in the 70s, but it never returns to the levels you see in early adulthood.”
Why? “People get better at regulating their emotions. People get better at managing life.”
And those men in their 50s who are buying tiny sports cars?
“It finally occurred to me,” Carstensen said. “It’s the first time in their lives they can afford the dream car.”
Expert #2: It is about a worldwide pattern of midlife unhappiness, but it doesn’t necessarily happen on the nines.
David Blanchflower, an economics professor at Dartmouth, analyzed data from millions of people in dozens of countries, all the way from Albania to Zimbabwe. In this month’s issue of Social Science & Medicine, he and a co-author conclude that “a typical individual’s happiness reaches its minimum — on both sides of the Atlantic and for both males and females — in middle age.”
“I’m not saying there is a midlife crisis,” Blanchflower told me, “but this awfully looks like it.” So much for consensus in academe.
Who’s right? Blanchflower is no shrinking violet when it comes to defending himself. Look at the “sheer power” of the study, he said. “It’s 72 countries. Two million people. Beat that!”
Not content to leave it there, he actually said, “My stick is bigger than your stick,” proving that a cigar is never just a cigar.
Expert #3: It’s not about anticipating birthdays. It’s about anticipating death.
Wall Street Journal columnist Sue Shellenbarger writes that her own midlife crisis “erupted at age 49.” Surely, she would see the value of a theory based on the nines.
“My age didn’t have anything to do with my crisis,” she said. “The death of my father triggered it for me.”
In her book “The Breaking Point: How Female Midlife Crisis Is Transforming Today’s Women,” Shellenbarger suggests that many women wake up one day with the realization that they’ve been sitting on deep, unfulfilled desires for adventure, love, artistic expression, spirituality and success in the world. Eventually, they can’t sit still any longer.
Shellenbarger herself started skiing down dangerous slopes and driving all-terrain vehicles way too fast. The pull to the wild side landed her in a hospital — and on a seven-year journey to “integrate” the parts of herself that had been suppressed too long.
It’s not about the nines, Shellenbarger said. “It’s all about anticipation that you’re going to die without having given expression to parts of yourself that you cherish.”
Enter the Grim Reaper, coming too soon to a theater near you.
Expert #4: It’s not about death. It’s about the birth of a second life cycle.
Carlo Strenger, an associate professor of psychology at Tel Aviv University and co-author of a recent Harvard Business Review article on the “existential necessity of midlife change,” said the midlife crisis today is evidence of what he calls cultural lag.
Although life expectancy at birth in the United States nears 80, he said, “we still live in a culture which seems to acknowledge only two adult ages: extended youth and old age.” Those in midlife crisis are in “a protracted panic reaction at the loss of youth.”
Witness the growing coffers of plastic surgeons and makers of anti-aging creams.
Instead of joining the desperate effort to deny aging, Strenger suggests that we knock down the myth of midlife as the onset of decline and build up the notion of a “second life cycle” full of new possibilities founded on self-knowledge and experience.
“Imagine — as we often have people do in psychology experiments — that you’re 20,” he said, “and you’re told you have an incurable illness. You’ll be fine for the next 30 years, then you’ll die at 50. What would you do? You’d live a full life. That’s exactly the situation 50-year-olds are in now. Statistically you have another 30 years. What are you going to do with your next decades?”
It’s time, Strenger said, to move “from midlife crisis to midlife transition.”
But where does that leave the nines?
Expert #5: It’s not about numbers. It’s about radically reshaping longer lives.
No one was buying my theory. I made one last, desperate call to Mary Catherine Bateson, a cultural anthropologist and author of “Composing a Life.” She’s a visiting scholar at the Center on Aging and Work/Workplace Flexibility at Boston College.
The erudite Bateson waxed sarcastic. “Suppose I were to say that the years of greatest development for me are going to be where the two numbers are the same: 22, 33, 44, 55, 99. Wow! You could say that just as well.”
She gathered steam. “How about organizing our lives in periods of 12 years — duodecades — rather than periods of 10. At the end of your fifth duodecade, you’d be 60. Get it?”
Um, yeah.
“It’s just fashion and cliche to insist on a zero as drawing the line,” she said. I was sinking lower by the minute. Bateson switched to the high road.
Today there are many ways to adapt to longer lives, she said. You can tack years onto the end of life — “you would be sick for longer, decrepit for a longer period.” You can “stretch each stage of life just a little longer: more years in school, more years married before kids, and so on.” Or you can insert years into the middle of life, starting more new chapters, new relationships, new careers.
“If you add a room to a house,” Bateson said, “it turns out to change the function of every room in the house. You don’t leave your tennis racket in the same place, you don’t drink your coffee in the same place. The flow of the whole house changes. ‘Add’ is the wrong word. The effect of increasing the size of the total house [adding years to life, for those who are metaphorically challenged] is to reconfigure it. It’s almost as if you were multiplying rather than adding.”
In that scenario, Bateson said, “if people feel free to learn and grow and explore, maybe they don’t end up feeling trapped, and they don’t have to have a crisis at all.”

Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue and click here to follow Therese on Twitter and click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.



  • Elizabeth

    Happy 40th Birthday!

  • JiLLB

    Interesting, Terese! My psychologist started calling me “mid-life” several months ago. It was a hard thing to hear and I blew it off thinking “she’s not serious!” Then, I realized that I turn 40 in January. I told myself that age is just a number and, well, no biggie.
    Then I realized what age my father was when he cheated with a much younger “woman.” He abandoned us and married “her.”
    Next, my husband was diagnosed with a life-threatening heart condition and there it was – death was starting us right in the eye. He turns 40 in June.
    Yes, an age is just a number and yes I believe that it affects people – in a variety of ways. I think that we have to live every day for what it’s worth. It seems impossible when my depression is at its worst, but LIVE! Mid-life or not, make a list of things you want to do (NOT a list of “before I die” because that’s so morbid) and work through it. A friend with cancer sky-dived when she was declared in remission. Does it need to take cancer to get us to that point? Will we have to be middle-aged and be in the second half of our lives to enjoy this? Nope.
    I’ve lived in the depths, I’ve been in the hospital more times than I care to share, I’ve been imprisoned in my home for 3 yrs and had ECT. I KNOW what depression is and how much you can want the pain to stop when you’re in it. This isn’t easy and it’s taken my husband’s illness and a friend’s blog (her husband passed away last year) to get me in this state of mind. I can’t promise that I’ll always think this way, but for now, if I can encourage one person to go out and do something out of their comfort zone… something they’ve always wanted to do, well, I say – GO FOR IT!

  • Carrie

    I believe in the number if only because I’ve heard it from everyone. My 40th birthday was celebrated far from home and family while at a work conference. I remember thinking; really, is this all there is? I think time has sped up too. With each new birthday (I’ll be 44 in the fall) I wonder where the year went and why I still dwell in depression. I worry more about dying; who’s first, me or my husband? I find it easier to sleep most every day away so as not to think about any of this; only to wonder at the end of the week, month, where the time has gone.

  • RalphB

    Happy Birthday Therese. A number is just a number and its only value is what we assign to it. Maybe a midlife crisis is all the above: We fear death; We often have more money than when we were young, etc. Perhaps we just do not want to die with unfulfilled dreams. Perhaps we want to die with having had a more fulfilled life. In that respect, I think that I’ve had a wholelife crisis: I’m still working out the meaning of my existence.

  • Joyce

    I hope you had a really great birthday! I love each birthday and am thankful for the four parties given me over 71 years. I love to celebrate them.
    After I turned 40, the eye doctor said my eyes had changed, adding, “You know you just turned 40.” There were two other doctors who reminded me of that. It was as if I were to begin falling apart. I did not need
    reminded. I would just call them one of those life-changing times!!
    Since then I have gone through the 50′s and 60′s and into the 70′s. I look back at the 40′s as young and of good health with some changes. The 50′s were great!!! The 60′s were good, too! I started into the 70′s with great enthusiasm, too.
    Thus, enjoy the change of every decade! Love it!! Rejoice!! Keep adding candles and good memories!!

  • Anne Costa

    I loved my 40′s. ( I am going to be 49 this year) They were the best years of my life so far. I went into them with a good attitude and I can tell you that all of the fears that plagued me all of my life are gone- the insecurities, the angst! I even had a complete emotional breakdown but there was REBIRTH as a result. I’m an artist so I liken the forties to when you bring your sketch to life with rich details, vibrant strokes and textures. Don’t fear your forties, approach them with anticipation… you will become “seasoned” and enjoy a meaningful depth that comes from maturity. We keep changing, and someone like you with the introspection and sensitivity will certainly thrive. Crises “break the mold” and give you the chance to
    ‘come into your own’ in a fresh and life-giving way.
    Embrace it!

  • Clay Jones

    I don’t necessarily think it’s a “crisis” to want to purchase a sports car. I think my reason for wanting change in my life, including a cool car, is that I feel as though I’ve waited long enough. There are things I’ve always wanted but, for one reason or another, I’ve put them off. I turn 50 this year and have just about had it with being last in line on my own list of priorities. If you ask my wife, she’d tell you I spoil her rotten (though I’m far from wealthy), but I think maybe it’s my turn now. Or at least soon!

Previous Posts

Seven Ways to Get Over an Infatuation
“Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I” wrote US songwriter Lorenz Hart about the feeling of infatuation. It’s blissful and euphoric, as we all know. But it’s also addicting, messy and blinding. Without careful monitoring, its wild wind can rage through your life leaving you much like the

posted 12:46:43pm Feb. 19, 2014 | read full post »

When Faith Turns Neurotic
When does reciting scripture become a symptom of neurosis? Or praying the rosary an unhealthy compulsion? Not until I had the Book of Psalms practically memorized as a young girl did I learn that words and acts of faith can morph into desperate measures to control a mood disorder, that faithfulness

posted 10:37:13am Jan. 14, 2014 | read full post »

How to Handle Negative People
One of my mom’s best pieces of advice: “Hang with the winners.” This holds true in support groups (stick with the people who have the most sobriety), in college (find the peeps with good study habits), and in your workplace (stay away from the drama queen at the water cooler). Why? Because we

posted 10:32:10am Jan. 14, 2014 | read full post »

8 Coping Strategies for the Holidays
For people prone to depression and anxiety – i.e. human beings – the holidays invite countless possibility to get sucked into negative and catastrophic thinking. You take the basic stressed-out individual and you increase her to-do list by a third, stuff her full of refined sugar and processed f

posted 9:30:12am Nov. 21, 2013 | read full post »

Can I Say I’m a Son or Daughter of Christ and Suffer From Depression?
In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, we read: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” What if we aren’t glad, we aren’t capable of rejoicing, and even prayer is difficult? What if, instead, everything looks dark,

posted 10:56:04am Oct. 29, 2013 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.