Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Video: “I WILL Get Better”

posted by Beyond Blue

I don’t know about you, but when I’m depressed, my self-talk goes something like this:”This is uncomfortable … I wish I were dead.”"I don’t know what to do about x, y, and z … I wish I were dead.”"I can’t escape this sadness … I wish I were dead.”"How can I get rid of this awful anxiety? … I wish I were dead.”Do you recognize the common denominator? The only resolution I see is to give up and die … either actively (when I’m extremely depressed and suicidal) or passively on other days. I don’t have the energy or the confidence to problem-solve. Which is why I have to be proactive with regard to my self-talk when I’m feeling very depressed and anxious. If not, my thoughts will follow the path of least resistance–and fantasize about death. I have to make a conscious effort to turn them around. And I have to repeat over and over and over again this sentence: “I WILL get better.”To view my YouTube video, click here.

Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue and click here to follow Therese on Twitter and click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.



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sue

posted July 9, 2008 at 10:37 am


I cant begin to tell you once again how parellel our lives are. I have come here periodically since finding you a year ago. Today I came on and watched your video that you just did on your “bad days”..After watching it I was able to eat something for the first time in 3 weeks withouth feeling like i wanted to vomit. I have lost 5 pounds from the anxiety knot that lingers. Im sick again…..and ironically you just posted that you have to keep telling yourself over and over I WILL get better; last night I was crying, my husband who has been for the first time supportive through this just held me as I said, “Im ok, Im mentally ill but I have been through this before and I will get through it, I will be ok”. every day I tell myself I will get through this, but I totally relate to wanting to be outside of your head, your body your skin. Im scared..What if I dont get better this time? what if it doesnt pass? what if Im like my mom who one time just didnt get well again but got worse..
Anyhow, I think I will be coming to the site every day now, I need the strength and you inspire me.



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Renata

posted July 9, 2008 at 11:07 am


Therese,
It was really hard to read how severely depressed you get — that the “I wish I were dead” thoughts will frequently come in and try to reign the throne of your mind. Ironically, you give your readers all these wonderful columns, videos,interviews and reflections, whilst you are engaging in a terrible battle often unbeknownst to us. It was painful to read that you get those thoughts, they are horrible and yet you do take your medicine. Which I have found helps but certainly doesn’t cure or prevent depression, helps *control* depression, and you need your friends, your strategies, your distractions, your therapist, your “mantras”, your exercise, etc., etc.
Keep positive, and thank you for your honesty. I will keep you in my prayers :)
Renata
PS Nice tan!!!



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Melzoom

posted July 9, 2008 at 12:55 pm


Keep on, my brave friend.
I don’t remember if I’ve shared this with you before.
But I think you would like it…if you haven’t found it already yourself =)
Invictus
(Latin for ‘invincible’)
By William Ernest Henley
OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.



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Anonymous

posted July 9, 2008 at 1:44 pm


i often feel so scared or freaked out by things going on around me or inside of me that i wish i could escape. the thing is, i’m not convinced that there is escape. where do we go afterwards? and if we go into a loving god’s arms, won’t we regret not having waited another day and not left so early?



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Larry Parker

posted July 10, 2008 at 12:06 am


Therese:
You hit the nail on the head with the active vs. the passive …
A wish to die is essentially passive, even if the methods used to carry it out may be very, and tragically, active. Passivity is depression’s natural ally.
Manifesting one’s WILL to try to improve oneself, in contrast, is active. Activity is depression’s natural enemy.
I like the fact that “I will get BETTER” implies progress, not perfection. Life is still a hard slog for most of us (not least you, Therese, as you have so courageously revealed). But every step forward continues the journey all the same.



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Anonymous

posted July 10, 2008 at 8:09 am


Therese, The homework assignment you gave us a while back to list the reasons we ach WOULDN’T commit suicde has become one of my strongest weapons against hopelessness and/or desiring death. I have it saved in my computer journal and can thus access it wasily when I find myself ready to “go gently into that good night”(Or ant other way, gently or not)
The inspiration tht you’ve given me today is to print out the words”I will Get Better” poster=style and post them in the rooms where I spend a lot of time. I’ve used this technique with other sayings in the past and discovered that the visual reminder is helpful to me. Also, writing things down tends to give them power, I’ve learned through the years. (Maybe the diehard educator in me?) I’ve got “And This Too Shall Pass” posted right now above my computer and on my bathroom mirror.(My IBS ensures that I’ll spend a large portion of most days “on the throne”) Eery once in a while a visitor notices and comments, but that just ives me the opportunity to discuss my current emotional state if I’m so inclined. And when I’m under a specific stress like my current landkord dispute, it keeps me focused on solutions rather than the difficulties my life throws at me daily! By far, though, the most wrthwhile exercise I’ve done in some time was the above-mentioned homework assignment. Your ideas are often both inspired and inspiring IMHO. amd I bless the day I found you here constantly. You rock, T.



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kate

posted July 10, 2008 at 8:56 am


Go aunt gigi….thanks for the advise…my caretakers need my help too…got it…



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Peg

posted July 10, 2008 at 12:51 pm


Therese, my love and prayers go out to you.



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linda-marie

posted July 10, 2008 at 1:24 pm


Thank God for the Aunt Gigi’s…
Mine was an Aunt Myrtle…
I join with you today, Therese: we WILL get BETTER !!
linda marie



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Lynne

posted July 12, 2008 at 6:10 pm


I MUST get better! I WILL be stronger than the voices in my head! How else will I see the happy ending? Have victory instead!



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Lynne

posted July 12, 2008 at 6:13 pm


“I’d rather be a hammer than a nail. Yes I would, if I could, I surely would” Simon & Garfunkel



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LYnne

posted July 12, 2008 at 6:23 pm


But the hammer just fell on me my mother is coming back to take over my life. I’m not sure I will survive that…



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Penny

posted July 14, 2008 at 10:07 am


Dear Therese, I have fallen really deep this time. I got caught up in a drug that has taken all I have, including our money. My thoughts of suicide have been extreme for the past two weeks. I have cried myself to sleep. Through all of this my husband still loves me, still stands with me and still tells me we will get through one more thing. I can’t believe that someone can love someone who has taken like I did. I can’t believe that God can possibly forgive me. But then I read my emails from Belief.net and over and over again todays words repeat that He cares, He knows, that some good will come out of this, relax, be patient, and then you tell me, I will get better. I will get thru this. I just told my husband that my weavers blanket has so many holes in it that I can’t think of how I can mend any of it together just to make a small piece.
And along comes Therese, one day at a time. So I put the thought of wanting to just die a little farther back into my mind and try to get into this day. My strength is a little stronger, but the blues and the tears are so up front. As I cry now I wonder what the day will bring and what will try to destroy what little I have left of me.
Thank you for listening.
P



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Lori

posted July 14, 2008 at 11:34 am


I am finally learning, and practice makes perfect they say…
to stop myself mid thought.
I often say to myself, I cant do this no more, Im checking out. NOW, when I say, I want out, I realize that is what I want, but it doesnt really mean death. It just means, I want something different then what is right now. So when I think death, I say out loud, No, you dont really want to die, you just want something different, AND, I can make things different, I can make change. I am not a victim unless I choose to be.
I thank you much for your honesty, and vulnerability.
I dont read beyond blue often anymore, as I try not to give my depression to much space. I dont have my head buried, I am finally taking action. Thinking too much, is dangerous for me sometimes.
I have moments for sure, when I let the checking out thought comfort me, (sick, I know) but its a way of thinking that I have let take over, until I started saying no, you know thats not what you want, you just want something different, so create that for yourself.
Dont get me wrong, sometimes Im in a place where I am not strong enough to do that and just hang on, but creating new self talk when I am doing well, and practicing it, saves my butt when I am not strong.
Lori



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Pat

posted July 14, 2008 at 11:57 am


I am Catholic too, and have had 2 suicides in my seven siblings. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is similar in ways to what you state in your video, but goes into deeper detail, has kept me going at times, and I continue to use it. David Burns, M.D., a friend has authored books on such, and are highly regarded in the mental health profession. It seems to come down to, “thoughts are responsible for feelings,” whether the feelings are good or bad. Thanks for the video! pat



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Sandra Compton

posted July 14, 2008 at 12:03 pm


I have never been to the point of depression that I want to take my own life. I feel that my faith in God has helped with that. But, depression is not fun, no matter what causes it.



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SuzanneWA

posted July 14, 2008 at 12:05 pm


I checked out BeyondBlue for the first time in MONTHS today, and now I know why. I’m feeling at the end of my rope; even called my therapist (which I never do) to tell her how anxious and nervous I have become. Now, I have a lot on my plate: the IRS and VA Dept. of Taxation is claiming a humongous debt for a tax return my CPA failed to file in 2005! I can no longer afford my condo, so am in the process of clearing out a “pig sty” of an apartment even to SHOW it. I’m hoping to list it in the middle of August. I am going to look at an apartment tomorrow, in hopes I’ll be able to move in the first of September. I also have physical worries: my Pain Specialist put me on the Fentanyl patch, which has horrid side effects – but at least, I’m veritably pain-free for the first time in nearly 10 years!
Your advice that “it WILL get better” gives me a life-line, for which I am very grateful. I’ve never been suicidal, so that part doesn’t apply to me. But – I’m a bipolar who mainly goes the OTHER direction into mania, and I’m sooooo afraid of another breakdown. Perhaps if I do take it “one day at a time,” NO, “one HOUR at a time” it will get me through these horrible days. I am TRYING to be proactive with ALL my problems, but today, they seem so OVERWHELMING.
Thank you for your video; you look soooo calm and assured, that you calmed ME this morning. You ROCK…



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Sandra Compton

posted July 14, 2008 at 12:36 pm


For some reason my comment was sent before I finished, so I will begin again. ..I have never felt depression to the point of suiside. But depression to any point is bad enough. 7 years ago, my son married a girl who had a beautiful 1 year old daughter and pregnant with another one (not his). He took her in and cared for her and the children. With their biological father out of the picture, he became their “dad”. I excepted the girls as my own. I never knew that being a grandma could be so rewarding! She then became pregnant with my son’s child and I soon had three little grandchildren who brought me more joy than I could have imagined! Soon my son’s wife decided she wanted to be with the first two grandchildren’s father and moved 7 miles away. (they had been living right next door.) This was very hard for me and with time I kept telling myself it would get better. My son filed for joint custody so I did get to see his daughter almost 3-1/2 days out of the week. The other two, I saw on a very limited basis. After a couple of years, my son finally started dating again and started to gain trust in women again. Then in July last year, he found out a girl he had been seeing was pregnant. (not planned or suppose to happen.) But the way he is, he claimed the baby as his own, helped with cost and insurance for the mother, but never wanted to marry her. He now has visitation with that child and tries to make sure I see her as much as possibel. This is all well and fine, but you see, my first “blood” grandchild, Lilly, whom I have spent so much time with for the past 4 years has now been moved along with her dad to a home 23 miles away. This is very difficult since I only see her one day a week and sometimes a very limited time. My son has re married to a wonderful girl who loves Lilly and treats her wonderful, but this girl has a mother that I feel is not what you would call “an appropriate” person.(I know, it is not my place to judge) She now is Lilly’s “Grandma” also! Children do not realize that being a Grandma is a very special joy God has given us and should not be messed with. My son tells me I am over reacting but within the last 7 years, I have been granted 5 grandchildren, who I have loved more than my life itself, and have had them yanked out of my life in less than 2 years! Somedays, I wake up thinking this is all a bad dream but then I realize the truth, and I just want to go back to sleep because it is so hard to deal with.
I have just began with your website and it does seem to bring me some inspiration and insight to the world and othe people.
Thanks



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Julie L Hall

posted July 14, 2008 at 12:42 pm


hi,
i will get better. i will, i will.
love, julie



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Nicole

posted July 14, 2008 at 1:07 pm


Julie: My 15 year old suffers from bipolar since the age of 7. She has attempted to take her life 6 times since the age of 7 and I suffer with anxiety and depression. I do not know what you or my daughter go through but I can only imagine it is just plain horrible. I know that my depression sucks but I do not suffer the manic part and so, I am at a loss. My heart goes out to you and keep blogging the video blogs but it will help you and so many others.
I am always here if you ever need an extra ear. I just wanted you to know that.
Nicole



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Tammy

posted July 14, 2008 at 1:30 pm


Thank you!! I will get better will be with me for a while. I am changing medication, which is difficult, I am sad and I cry, but I will get better, everyone is on my side, friends, therapist, and God most importantly, and my little boy, who does not know or understand where the tears keep coming from.
Tammy



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Edna

posted July 14, 2008 at 1:39 pm


I know how you all feel. My husband walked out on me six months ago after being married for 26 years. I don’t remember life without him. Trying to cope is extremely difficult. I found out the next week that he was having an affair for several weeks before he moved out. I knew he had changed, but after 26 years of marriage, him leaving was the last thing I expected. We have a daughter, 25, that has been a real rock for me. Our son is married and has two children. I don’t get to see them as often as I would like to even though they live right here in the same county. I don’t have a car anymore since my husband moved out, so I can’t just get in the car and go visit. My husband has started taking his “friend” out to visit his dad and since our son and family live there in a garage apartment, the babies (4 and 1) are becoming acquainted with her. I don’t want her in their lives yet. That hurts me as bad as my husband moving out. We go to court Wednesday to set alimony and I’m a total mess. He doesn’t want to pay me a dime. In fact, if he gets what he wants our daughter and I will be kicked out of our family home and it sold. Like Sandra, I sometimes believe I’m having a bad dream and will at some point wake up and he will be home and everything will be fine. I also have to keep telling myself it’s not my fault and it will get better.



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Gloria K.

posted July 14, 2008 at 2:02 pm


I always hated my father. You never knew what mood he would come home in. In those days, there was no diagnosis of bipolar disorder or depression. Even if they did, he was a very proud man and would not do anything about it. Now, I, and six others in my family have been diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder. I, and my 2 out of 3 children have to deal with it. It is very difficult. When my husband of 17 left us all for another woman, and my father and brother dying 2 months apart, triggered the first of many episodes of break downs, over medicating, and feeble attempts at suicide. Medications helps just so much, I find talk therapy very helpful, but when you come right down to it, I have to do the work and self talk. It never goes completely away, and now at 53, I am on disability and have to live with my daughter. My life sucks, and I cannot support my own self and lost my nursing career. All I can say, is I look to God to give me the strength to make it each day, until I can go home. I do not like this life, and the older I get, the more isolated I become. I just got through my second divorce and now realize, a relationship is not possible. So, we do take one day, even one minute at a time, and I try to not think about how unhappy I am. One day, I won’t have to. My family is not supportive and I have lost many acquaintance and friends because of the stigma, so, it is a very lonely and life deflating disease. Good luck to you all, I hope you have a better way to live with depression and you have people who love you.



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kaye,

posted July 14, 2008 at 3:00 pm


Connecting the dots and hope you smile…
Invictus! Seeing the poem which I can still say from a 49 years ago when I was 12 made me again think about how long I tried to compensate for my brand of depression. In sixth grade from all the material which included the Gettysburg Address I selected Invictus AND My Heart leaps …seems some what prophetic in retrospect !
My weakness of “cutting to the chase” when I could have been more thoughtful and using humor to cover all the insecurities, tears and tenderheartedness left me with very little middle ground as they say.
Getting the help and learning about myself and accepting my strength and weaknesses was a long time in coming. The Tibetian monks receive “wisdom” and freedom to follow the spiritual life at 50 but it really was a long time in coming how did I muddle through fighting back tears, charging in to the water like Peter, for so long? until God helped my find myself ?
I do vaguely remember thinking on those lonely days that if I were to walk out into the road and be hit by a Mack truck ( the biggest truck I could imagine) it wasn’t so much my death (suicide) but the fact that no one would care …even with the tread marks from the tires on my body no one would stop or care
But at the same time ( you can see how unrealistic I have been with the Mack truck thing) I have a deep and powerfully strong aversion to suicide. For me it would be terribly wrong ; it is ungrateful Maybe it was the message of Invictus and my Invincible soul which saw “patches of God light” in both poems.
In Eat Pray Love there’s a discussion of eastern spiritual views…and I have been thinking about this idea
for some time now,,,,” look at where your feet are , draw a circle around them, you are exactly where you are supposed to be in the scheme of the universe…that includes deep deep depression, anxiety, joy , failure, success, and every possible condition in that moment in that circle….
I want to control my way out of the tough times ….I want God to spare me….or to anoint me but even the most painful personal moment to the most enlightened spiritual moment has meaning within that circle within the universe …if not for me then for someone else. It is as it is. Sitting with that is not a western practice but one comes to know the illness of depression /bi-polar /intimately but even more intensely our journey is revealed as we travel in the patches of God light.
May it be so with you,
Kaye.



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Mrs. Donna Towns

posted July 14, 2008 at 3:03 pm


I have been suffering with carpal tunnel in both wrist since 2003-2003-2004-2005-2006-2007-2008 had it taking care of I thought and it has damaged a nerve in my right hand and it” no better Yes I am having the hardware removed on 07-22-2008 and it has ended to be neuopathy



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Ann in Illinois

posted July 14, 2008 at 3:12 pm


When I was 17, I took a bunch of my mom’s Valium because I was convinced that I wanted to die. Every negative thing that I thought or event that happened to me somehow spiraled to “yadayadayada…I wish I was DEAD!” So, after I woke up from my pill taking experience and saw how much I had hurt the people I love by my action, I decided that suicide wasn’t the answer. I finally realized that I didn’t want to die, I just wanted to stop hurting. Now, 30 years later, I have pretty much learned to NOT say “I wish I was dead” anymore. It still pops up in my self talk once in a while, but I KNOW (finally!) that I want to live! I still struggle with depression regularly, but over those 30 years, I have learned to rebut “I want to die” with “No, I don’t want to die, I just want to stop hurting”. This gives me the opportunity to look at myself and try (sometimes) to change what I can. Sometimes I can’t even do that, but learning to stop (some of the time) the foul litany of my self denigration has been freeing and has made my life somewhat easier. I still have serious health problems and an autistic son and financial worries, but I don’t have to wish for death every time I consider those things. I can remember that life is worth living-most of the time.



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Gerald Pfeiffer

posted July 14, 2008 at 3:39 pm


Well things are pretty bad for me right now. I was terminated from my job afer 11 years on 3/25/08 without any warning. I still havent gotten a job yet and the bills are piling up needless to say. My home is in foreclosure and due to be sold on 8-15-08 and then I’ll have no where to live. I have my 3 daughters living with me and they’ll have no home. I’m collecting unemployment but cant get too far on $1100/month. I’m comtemplating filing bankrputcy but I have no money for an attorney and my pension I’m supposed to get wont be paid to me until 9-1-08 and originally I was supposed to get this on 7-1-08 but it keeps getting delayed due my former employer. I filed a report thru the EEOC regarding my termination but my former employer said no to mediation and now it’ll be investigated and go to court but that’ll take awhile. At this point my depression is overwhelming and I dont know what to do,I guess I’ll put my trust in God and if anyone has any ideas,thoughts,maybe where I can get some help please email me at gerryfife56@bellsouth.net because my life has hit rock bottom……



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VICKIE HEDRICK

posted July 14, 2008 at 4:44 pm


I understand the bad all the way around. I have no job no signs of getting one soon and the man that I gave my heart and soul to walked out on me,leaving me in this perdicament. He was the reason I had no job in the first place.Now I do not know how long I will be able to keep my home.No job broken hearted broken down and feeling very hopeless.It is not the way I thought my life would turn out. Does anyone have any ideas?



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Tracie Fugate "MOMMYGIRL"

posted July 14, 2008 at 7:39 pm


I know all of us who has been classified/diagnosed/stigmatized as having bi-polar {mood disorder} has been dispress at one time in our lives when things were not just RIGHT. I can tell you all I should of been dead a long time ago. The Grace of God has kept me standing on this great earth for a reason that I don’t know right now nor do I understand.
All I know as of today that I may not have my sons, Tanner Fugate and Tyler Fugate. See 5 years ago I was in a bad situation where I was trying to get out of but if you knew Tracie Fugate back than I tend to come late but I always came. I’m still standing here on this earth…this Great Earth.
Today, I don’t have the position let alone the job that I desire but there is some power keeping me stand up. I’m not saying with my head up high but I’m Standing.
Today, I live in a area that I wouldn’t have picked for me and my family. I think there is a lesson I’m being taught. I really don’t know yet but something in me with all that is negative going on keeps saying keep standing Tracie Fugate.
Today, I have a car in my drive that doesn’t work. See I bought this car using my tax monies. I had some dreams of getting around to jobs and schools here in Virginia Beach. Well, like I mentioned before it’s just sitting in my driveway but I know the reason for this.
when time tells you that Your life means nothing I don’t think driving is a Great thing….Thank You Jesus.
All I have figured because as being bi-polar we seems to think too much along with being an aquarius doubles it. Thank You Jesus.
I have more on this earth that I care about. I have a daughter who doesn’t need to have pain in her life. I have 5 sisters who I care so much more than the feelings of pain and hurt. I have a mother and a brother who is suffering like me with that PAIN.
I know that we all have family but it’s not that they are making us hurt. It’s that nagging PAIN that we who suffers and trys to understand it….WELL WE JUST DON’T GET IT
I try to remember when that PAIN hits that I’m not going to let it take my whole family too.
The joy to Stand on Earth with my family is worth all the PAIN that comes to when I just want to smile.
Remember the their will be Joy in the Morning.
Please read these poems I found they help:
Keep My Mind Focused on Good Health
O Lord, I find it hard to remember what it was like
to be healthy.
Help me keep my mind focused on good health
and strength.
Let me be positive about the course of treatment
I am undergoing.
And let me always have faith, great faith,
in your presence in my life
and your glory in my health.
- Maureen Pratt
The Blessing of Unanswered Prayers
I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I had asked for,
but eveything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.
- Unknown Confederate soldier
KEEP STAND PLEASE BECAUSE I CARE FOR YOU!!!!



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Sue

posted July 14, 2008 at 11:26 pm


I can’t believe this arrived on my email on a day when my blues are so bad they have taken my breath. Thank you for posting this beautiful video. You have a beautiful soul and yes I will get better.



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celia

posted July 15, 2008 at 1:24 am


Yep.. life can be very hard..Depression on again off again ( or at least not totally debilitatine). I have ranged from so depressed that I lost days staring at the ceiling while coiled up in bed.. barely eating to just frustrated, feeling like crying most of the time to just generally having a negative attitude. Now, thank God things are better..It took taking whatever job I could get, pushing credit cards for commission only, market research phone work, doing home health care for the elderly, working in wharehouses doing picking for $7 an hour (paying 8 a day in gas). Gradually, I had a little more money.. first to replace a mirror on my beater.. now I have two savings accounts (not all that much in them but enough for some medium car repair and a little overdraft protection.) It took changing a lot of my attitudes. I still sometime think life sucks.. but now I figure since I may be having a hard time and resign mysel to accepting that I may still feel unhappy ,,I might as well wash the dishes anyway.. go to work ( try to get along with others etc.) Focusing exclusively on my pain did not endear me to others or make me the kind of person I wanted to be. So, I made it a practice to do a little more than I felt like doing( even if it was just taking out one bag or trash), try to listen to others more..be the person I wanted t be if I wasn’t depressed. Now my social skills are phenomenally better and I am no longer known as the _itch from hades. Every now and then I even get a little taste of happy. Hang in there..slow progress is still progress.



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Michele

posted July 15, 2008 at 3:37 am


It will get better just put your faith in God or the Universe something good will come out of this. Keep thinking positive & the answers will come. Read your local newspapers look for help somehow maybe in the classifieds. Search the internet do not despair or worry it will do no good just try to solve one problem at a time to take a little off your plate.
God Bless You,
Michele



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Lady of Light

posted July 15, 2008 at 8:26 am


Theresa – One time many, many years ago, I experienced a painful breakup with a boyfriend. I thought he loved me and he was seeing lots of other girls behind my back. It was heartbreaking and also a shock when I found out. He had seemed so dedicated – I had trusted him. I had a few drinks and took some extra pills. When I woke up, I was very relieved that I was alive (no one knew). What I discovered was that I THOUGHT I wanted to die but I didn’t really want to die. What I wanted was temporary oblivion because of the incredible psychic and emotional pain the experience caused. I was in my late 20′s then. I am 62 now. I am so glad I survived that experience and in my therapy I have been able to identify painful feelings at the onset and deal with them in prayer and with my therapist.
I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It wasn’t until the 90′s that they found the right mood stabilizer for me and for 10 years, I have had the right therapist. I still have to manage the illness, but I have learned alot about how to do that.
I attended a bipolar support group last week with my husband and my cousin who also have the condition. They were a great group of people and I got a magazine I wasn’t familiar with. It is called bp magazine. The webdite is http://www.bphope.com.
I wanted to share this with you and your readers. It gives opportunities to “Sound Off” about a question in each issue and accepts articles for publication. The latest issue was really good for me because I am 62 and it is on Bipolar Disorder in older adults. Many write their profiles and share tips, including a bipolar therapist!
They gave us a list of famous people who are bipolar -
Beethoven is one.I got out a new classical music CD of him and read his biography. I had a new appreciation for his work and also was inspired by the things that happened in his life (abuse) and how he was able to live beyond himself with his great musical gifts. It was inspiring!
So, I’m learning more every day and I am glad to be alive because I know that I am in the palm of God’s hand.
I hope this is an encourage to you and your readers.
Lady of Light http://theladyoflight.blogspot.com (Read my blog)



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Michael Flynn

posted July 24, 2008 at 8:44 am


I often find myself living in a state of melancholy. I just looked up the definition and I dont like it.
I like to consider it more of a state of reflection. A passive mood of disturbed peace.
Like I’m suppose to be doing something, but I haven’t a clue.
I watched your video interview and I felt the breeze and heard the seagull cry. I felt an ocean or a lake nearby. Lovely state in deed to be to me at least.
I often have to force myself to count my blessings and think of others in horrifying situations of war torn countries manipulated by political factions or soldiers sent as peace keepers to witness and or commit atrocity. Lord knows I can barely stand hearing of it and I pray this too shall pass.
I scanned over other comments and briefly recalled my own moments of crisis, purging through the furnace of wisdom and truth to forge my faith. And in the midst of the flame the answer came that my prayers were being answered. And in the answer that I recieved I came to know and believe in the one who suffered much more than me on my behalf.
So like anything that is truly worthy of life I see the struggle and I come to know my weakness and my strengths. For even in the tiny seed I see such power in the magnitude of wonder and majesty as it grows into a mighty tree. Hand in hand working and re-working in the cups of temperance all I can do is fall prostrate and whisper into the Earth…Hallelujah for this existence.
Lovingly Michael



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KDl

posted July 24, 2008 at 10:24 am


I suggest reading and considering very seriously the message contained in the works of Alice Miller (web site:www. alice-miller.com).She calls depression ‘Compulsive Self-Deception”.
Read her articles on her Forum and Reader’s Mail.Read her books:
“The Drama of the Gifted Child”, “For Your Own Good”; “The Body Never Lies.” Read them over and over with an open mind and see how our depressions have their origins in the emotional abandonment and neglect and from the physical, sexual,
psychological and “spiritual” abuses we have survived from childhood.We as adults still carry around the pain and misplaced guilt in our bodies, souls and spirits. Facing the unvarnished Truth of our childhood, as painful as that may be, will liberate us from the illusion of the guilt that we have undeservedly have carried all our lives.



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PKM

posted July 25, 2008 at 10:37 am


To KDI – I am very sorry you suffered so much in childhood. I had wonderful parents and a happy childhood. However, clinical depression runs in my mother’s family, so my siblings and I have struggled with it off and on as adults. So do both of my children. Faith in God and the love/support of my family and friends is what gets me through the bad times. Create your own support group with people you love and trust and can openly talk. Don’t give up and don’t give in.



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Janet

posted July 25, 2008 at 10:38 am


I have read this and I needed what a lot of you are saying. I sometimes think what to hell is wrong with me. I now realize I have denial issues here …..I have a great husband, WHOM I really don’t think I deserve, he takes so much B.S from me….I have a very nagative inner thing with my weight although I am not over weight, I feel I am and fat and UGLY and I also have alittle thing which I hate to admitt, but OCD Obessive Complusive Dissorder, which I tend to allow myself to focus on WAY too much instead of the life at present. I generally am a up beat lets go at it kinda woman. Then on somedays the OCD kicks in and I become obessed with my weight with my physical apperance and my body and illness and then good ol ANXIETY comes to visit and I become STRESSED to the max and all those lovely self hate, things well they come a knocking as well…..so I get myself in quit a BIND, yes indeed. However I have become more mature in my handling it and I have learnt to SELF TALK myself and sometimes just go with the OCD and not feel so stupid because I think STUPID thoughts. SELF TALK PAUSATIVE TALK is the key to success man it is HARD when your DOWN, but TRY TRY and keep TRYING. I really inspiring thing to see is the ROLOFF’S BIG WORL SMALL PEOPLE on TLC channel, something else the TRIALS and TRIBULATIONS these people go through, but they always keep a PAUSATIVE outlook truly inspiring to me, take a look for yourselves. My heart goes out to the all who suffer from all the things in life wether it be mental physical emmotional…. I once heard a Dr say…..Dying is EASY, it is LIVING THAT IS THE HARD PART, truly can be one hell of a battle, take care everyone



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J

posted July 25, 2008 at 10:58 am


I have to say I visited the web site of Alice Miller and quit frankly I think the woman is insane, read her letter from people, sometimes I think people just need to except LIFE as it is. Not to be rude, but I seriously advise people to um not get to involved with all the theories before consulting a professional, just an opinion.



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John

posted July 25, 2008 at 11:30 am


For goodness sake, if you constantly feel depressed or suicidal go and see a fully qualified doctor at once. Don’t try to heal yourself by looking through websites. After all, if you broke your leg you wouldn’t try to fix it yourself, you’d go along to a doctor or to the hospital.
What many people don’t seem to realise is that depression is an illness like any other and it can usually be treated and cured by the medical profession. Put your trust in the doctors – that’s what they are there for.



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sandra weisz

posted July 31, 2008 at 11:28 am


Hi Theresa. first i’d like to say you look very very pretty w/o makeup. i don’t have bi-polar but i have severe reactive depression from being very very abused, having nowhwere to live nad everyone hating me. i am writing this from a motel room in the worst city in the country. losing my home and coming from a really bad family is making me suffer great fear, as the enviroment worsens with the illegal invasion, and no room for me, and no place to live. i tried too hard. i have to leave the state and i am having trouble letting go. i don’t appreciate being called crazy either, by foul ppl with no heart and no soul. a lot of awful ppl took a lot of advantage of me lately.it is so wonderful you have a husband , children, and friends, and family. i have none of the above. and what “family” or ex’s i had, or have are worse than strangers. they are gleeful at my suffering. i know i have to move to a small town where it is affordible, but it is so hard to do it all alone, as a delicate female, in the arts, now a hommeless bum. that’s right , it’s true. that is what i have become. i believe that depressiion is inverted anger, and in my case rage, esp. what some ppl did to me in the last week. making my life worse. it’s in style in the los angeles area to be really really mean. i can’t take it anymore.you’re a great inspiration to me and many many others. God bless. sandy p.s. when i leave to a good area that is safe my whole personality changes, and i don’t feel fear, anger and depression, but right now, well…. and the horrible suspense of not knowing what is going to happen to me.some ppl think it’s only from the inside, this depression, also comes from the enviroment as well, if you can’t take it. which i can’t.



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Matt Allard

posted July 31, 2008 at 1:40 pm


Thank-you,the last 3 days my fear has been so great that the pain in my guts keep me from wanting to go out today. When the bad thoughts come I try to blink them out. Trying to get that feeling of getting better feels just out of reach. But I have came far in my battle with this bi-polar disorder. I had it for years. Thanks for reminding me to find the good beyond the pain and fear. God Bless You, Matt



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jill

posted August 2, 2008 at 8:54 am


The most important thing in life is to remain positive. Even when things seem not to go well, having faith and maintaining a positive attitude is the best thing you can do for yourself.
If you have faith and keep looking up, all things tend to work out. Keep pushing steadily on-ward; go over the hurdles (placed there by God) don’t focus time and energy on the distractions (put in place by the enemy)and keep moving toward the prize at the end of “the race”!



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Beth

posted August 5, 2008 at 7:14 pm


Therese…you really are a a modern day saint…those who wrote “put all your trust in doctors”…we are just getting punked, right? I have to believe that…thanks T; you rock out, and you are suportive, which is what your goal is on here and with your heart-time dedicated to us, not to play doctor. We sane ones totally get that;).



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Sande

posted August 24, 2008 at 11:57 am


I have very sensitive circumstancial depression. In times of hardship, I become very disconnected with the bigger picture outside of the immediate worry I put myself in, and am capable of telling myself “I will get better” because I know now life will only work WITH me when I stop working against it. When I hear of people vulnerable to the advice that seems impossible for them to follow, (such as seeing a professional during financial difficulty, or explaining to those close to us what we’re going through when we can’t understand it ourselves, or even believe that we ourselves are worthy of love) it reminds me that the road to recover from guilt, pain, sadness, begins with being intentional with our self awareness and what we want to attract. EVERY DAY, IN EVERY WAY, I AM GETTING BETTER AND BETTER. Because every day in every way, I tell myself I am worth getting better.



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Beth @ To the Fullest

posted November 4, 2010 at 9:20 am


Wow. Other people wish to be dead, too? (Without acting on it, I mean.) I think this all the time. It sucksucksucks. Thanks for letting me know I’m very much not alone.



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Bubs

posted November 5, 2010 at 6:02 am


Hey Theresa,
I just found you recently and it was helpful to read some of your tips!
Believe I feel like that alot. (about what you wrote in this post)
Going to sleep and never waking up doesn’t sound too bad.
Hugs Bubs



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Rachael

posted November 5, 2010 at 11:22 pm


Thank you so much, I thought I was alone in wishing I was dead (all the time) I will try the mantra “You will get better” but thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone in feeling death is the only answer.



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Linda

posted November 8, 2010 at 4:58 pm


Dear Therese, You are my best friend. Last week when I was at a very low place, I watched your video, and then another, and another for about an hour and a half. You have the kindest face, calmest voice and understanding heart and mind. I thank you for all the effort you put into helping those of us with bipolar.



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