Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

Tipper and Al Gore: Why Divorce After 40 Years?

al tipper gore.jpgI’m the skeptical, jaded type who believes the passionate kiss former Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper exchanged in front of the Democratic National Convention in July of 2004 was most likely staged. But I am truly puzzled, with the rest of America, on why a couple who seemed so together is now splitting after 40 years.
I’m not only puzzled, but also disheartened. Because I respect and admire couples who have made it beyond their silver anniversary. Like everyone else confused by the Gores decision, I suppose I attach a layer of immunity to the partners who’ve raised their kids, launching them successfully. Now they are safe to buy that double burial lot because, like or not, they are sticking together.
No so, says Betsey Stevenson, an economist at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School who studies family trends. In a recent interview for the Associated Press, Stevenson explained that marriages are more likely to fail in the first 10 years, but after those years the divorce rate pretty much stays the same. So a couple who celebrates 50 years is just as at risk as, say, Eric and I who have been together 14.


“We’ve simply grown apart” is the reason the Gores give. And, even if something else did happen that the media hasn’t yet uncovered, that reason is one of the most common listed by divorcing couples among some others: money, infidelity, poor communication, change in priorities, lack of commitment to the marriage, addictions, and physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
Let’s face it, even with two well-adjusted adults who care about each other, marriage involves a ton of hard work, sacrifice, generosity, selflessness, and other virtues that don’t come naturally to most of us. If we don’t diligently work on our relationship, it will decay. Quickly.
In fact, the longitudinal study published in the September 1999 issue of “The Journal of Developmental Psychology,” called “The Nature and Predictors of the Trajectory of Change in Marital Quality for Husbands and Wives over the First 10 Years of Marriage,” charts the decline in the quality of marriages of more than 500 copies surveyed over 10 years. According to the study, the first four years involves the steepest decline in marriage satisfaction and then a second decline happens at years 8, 9, and 10, the phenomenon that we know as “the seven year itch.”
Natalie Low, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor at Harvard commented on the study in Amy Dickinson’s Time piece, “From ‘I do’ to the Seven-Year Itch,” and provides the best marital advice of all, I think. She argues that our expectations are too high. We buy into illusions and dangerous messages sold to us constantly on the airwaves, internet, billboards, television networks and at the movies. We expect our marriage to have the romance of Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in “Pretty Woman” all the time. We expect our jobs to be fulfilling all the time, and for our children to be honor roll students with a sports scholarship. Low says that if we can successfully temper our expectations, we’ll be more satisfied with what we do have.
“The facts of life are very grinding,” Low says in the Time piece, “so the reality of marriage is grinding. There is no obvious course to follow, so couples just have to keep working. A person sees dramatic changes during a marriage, so a couple has to be committed to a way of life.”
Image by Associated Press.


Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue and click here to follow Therese on Twitter and click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.

  • Tennessee Jim

    The reasons for the split are obvious if not specified explicitly. Recent public allegations directed his way from credible sources strongly imply that the private Al Gore is lecherous, spoiled, and petty. His political career is over; there are no compelling reasons for Tipper to remain married to a man who probably disgusts her.

  • jmnj

    They didn’t divorce they separated and Al Gore is still wearing his wedding ring. I wish people would get their facts straight instead of using it to draw in readers. And to Tennessee Jim, you are spouting false allegations from sources proven to be much less than credible which have been proven as such. Your jealousy is duly noted.

  • Tim Moles

    The guy is a piece of shtt. I am in Oregon where Al tride the good old Clinton move and got caught. At least be honest with yourself and the people and all can be forgiven.
    Tim Moles
    Oregon State

  • Kai

    I think the reasoning here is backwards: people seem to say, this institution of marriage is “grinding”, hard, takes incredible work, it’s very hard for people to make it work over time, etc. etc.
    Hold on. Shouldn’t we be changing and retiring institutions that don’t meet human needs, rather than the other way around? Isn’t it a little perverse to require that people suffer, for the good of an arbitrary institution?
    Northern Europe is getting away from marriage, and people are happier than here, and children turn out better than here. Let’s learn from that. Suffering is not always noble, it’s just suffering. Marriage belongs on history’s scrap heap.

  • brunette ladies

    Rather cool place you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I would like to read more on that blog soon.
    Kate Benedict

  • buy aion cd key

    People who celebrate it is really the epitome of everything that is wrong in modern political discourse. I disagree with Al Gore on almost everything, but was saddended to hear that. Why do people find comfort in pain the others pass? I think we all just want our own lives to think a little more normal, stable, and therefore worthy of being lived.

  • jmnj

    Yes, “Mole” sounds like a good last name for you. And sure, you’re in Oregon… What talking points memo are you here from? The API, or the climate denier movement?
    And just a general comment on their marriage: it’s none of our business, but I can understand why they would separate. And it says much about our society that so many are so concerned with everyone else’s life and judging them while they can’t even manage their own.

  • colonshine

    Kai, You mention that northern Europe is getting away from marriage and state that people are happier there and that children turn out better. Yet your statements are rubbish and you have no proof to back such up. In fact, almost all agree-even the liberals-that kids do best when raised by a stable mother and father. Nothing beats that arrangement, and yes, marriage is hard work and “grinding”-so what?! Meanwhile northern Europe and the rest of Europe continue on their disastorous depoplulation program to the point that soon native Europeans will be outnumbered by the Muslim immigrants who do believe in marriage and reproduce. Guess who will be controlling who when they become the majority? And you still think marriage belongs in the history scrap heap? Unfortunately, it is those who reject marriage that will end up in the scrap heap.

  • Mary Kate

    There has been atrend of this type of breaking up in our society. One woman wrote of her year by herself. It’s a wondrful book.
    My dream would be for a duplex for myself and husband. It’s less expensive than a divorce and the grandkids could come and visit in one place instead of two. Retirement is in less than ten years for us and I can’t wait.
    He lives life and see things so differently from me. Not an awful person at all just likes to hunker down at home all the time. Not me!

  • skylark

    There are some very interesting comments pouring across cyberspace here..most of them offer little of wisdom or enlightenment re the
    Gore separation announcement for the simple reason they cannot know the minds and hearts of these two individuals. We can extract from what the media has quessed, the courts have dis-proven and the statements coming from the two individuals that the marriage is not
    serving the needs of either so they have made a decision to stop the pretense of being happily married and separate to live under different roofs. Period! All the rest is either conjecture …or way
    off topic..or totally un-substantiated. e.g. how happy/unhappy the average citizen of northern Europe is compared to the citizens living elsewhere on the planet…in terms of married life! As for the woman who sees her marriage as less than satisfying but willing to stick with it for the benefits stated..e.g. a lovely retirement home where the grands can come and visit as less hassle than trying to produce a score-card kind of existence where the grands bounce from one household to another..I think she has a real grasp on reality!Believe me most divorced parents living the nightmare and expense of “his house”,”her house”, his kids and her kids and the holidays, the various sets of grandparents, vacations, etc. etc. can become mind-bogglingly expensive and impossibly difficult in term of logistics and satisfying everyone’s wants/needs…the kids’ needs usually last on those lists! Talk about grindingly difficult work of keeping a marriage together…try that latter scene you want grindingly difficult and sure to guarantee that the kids lose every damn time! That alone should make everyone hug their spouse and do their darndest to make the 1st and only marriage work! Anything else is usually inviting insanity in to your life FOREVER!It should be much much harder for people to tie the knot! in the first place!!

  • Bella

    So what’s wrong with getting the duplex?
    I’m happy for the Gores. Since the odds are pretty good that we’ll live to be 90, a 60- or 70-year marriage to the same person is very difficult. Obviously, one or both of the Gores didn’t want to be married (to the other) anymore.
    My thought is this: stop reading about marriage and divorce. Then spend a few months thinking about, “Would I be happier with him/her or without him/her?” And then do what YOU want to do. I think this constant reading about happily married couples and divorced couples and articles by whatever ‘expert’ who decides to relate whatever new ‘research’ — I think it’s not only useless but dangerous.
    But, older women, understand — there better be enough money so that after the divorce you can live comfortable. Not necessarily extravagantly but comfortably — meaning, not having to worry about paying the bills if you can’t or don’t want to work (I have that amount of money). Because, regardless of what you read, it is no fun being old, alone and without enough money. And for the vast majority of us, Prince Charming is not waiting right around the divorce corner.
    I am divorced 11-12 years now, I am an older woman and I am alone. [I have no regrets about the divorce — I wish it had happened earlier in the marriage. I knew the marriage was a mistake after just the first six months, but, well, ya know, I knew marriage wasn’t going to be easy, I wasn’t a quitter, I was Catholic, and then I got pregnant, etc., etc.] I am grateful to God that I am such an introvert that I love being alone MOST of the time — not ALL of the time. I also love to curl up in a chair and read an aftn away (a good book — not some stupid romance novel). I do have a number of interests and I do act on them every week, like going to college and volunteering and playing cards one aftn a week. I also have a large and wonderful long-time-together group of women friends, of all ages, who I knit with all Saturday aftn. But know that there is nothing ‘romantic’ about being older and single. Just like marriage, being single has its tough moments and days.
    Do whatever you want to do but make sure that it’s what you want to do. My suggestion is a trial separation first.

  • Maira

    I agree with everyone else that it is dismaying that the Gores or anyone else could break up after 4 full decades. That said, I feel the need to weigh in on one of the tangents going on on this board. I’m doing an MA in European/Middle East Studies right now and I can tell you that Europe’s demographic decline has become a standard, indisputable fact of the literature and a cause for great concern in European politics. Those of you who believe that northern European social trends represent the ideal society have been led woefully astray by movies and news sound-bites. Divorce rates are bad but the lack of population growth is worse. Morality aside, it’s shaping up to be an economic disaster because there are far too few workers available to support an exploding aged population. This is a problem for the U.S. too but it is exacerbated in Europe because their societies rely much more heavily on social welfare systems and let in far fewer immigrants than we do.
    This is not conservative fear-mongering, it is a fact so mundane it was discussed at length by professors from universities all over Western Europe and the U.S. east coast in one of my recent reads.

  • Brenda

    My marriage is great because I satisfy my urges outside of marriage…there is nothing like a quick rendevous with another man….get those urges out of your system…then go back to steady eddie. my husband never knows. Most of my women friends sleep around too. its great.

  • Joe

    The major problem that I see is young people do not take the marriage
    vows seriously. Marriage is a day to day challenge and once you
    find the person that is not only your mate for life but also your
    best friend the challenge is managable, Why anyone thinks that
    Hollywood has any clue on how they portray marriage is very sad.
    I have friends that are so proud that they have been married 2 or
    3 times is alien to me.Oh and by the way as corny as this may sound
    to some.Never go to bed angry with each other and kiss her good night,goodmorning, and treat her with respect.and by the way I just celabrated our 46th year marrisge

  • Cat

    How many women can say their Husband still makes then weak in the knees and their heart still pound fast! I can even after 29 years! Now that’s a blessing ?
    We’re committed to each other. Committed to love ? ,honor,respect, friendship, laughter, fun. We’re committed to the best and worst of times. Our blessing is the best of times truly out way anything else we’ve lived through or shared or experienced in all our years together. No rose color glasses here we just know we make our own happiness.

  • Andy

    My perspective – Marriage is both a legal relationship and a spiritual relationship. Society relies on the former and our happiness is dependent on the later. The primary relationship in a happy marriage is with God, then with our partner. Its EXTREMELY important that order NEVER be reversed. Everyday my wife and I turn our life and our will over to the care of God fervently asking for the wisdome to recognize His will for us and ability to carry it out. We delite in being each others most trusted friend, confidant, and lover. This formula works – if you work it.

  • Sue

    Firstly, I don’t need the Gores or anybody else to be together in-order for me to feel fine in life. Second, there are so many reasons people get together in the first place, and there are that many more why they choose to move on. Thirdly, when you practice non-judgment in life, then change is just change and not a sentence to be passed out like a life sentence.

  • Radeen

    It is disheartening that Al & Tipper have decided to call it quits. “We’ve grown apart” is a total and utter cop-out. The key is finding ways to “grow back together”. As Andy stated…when both parties have God in the forefront and each other next in line..the success of the marriage is a no-brainer. I would like to comment to Brenda…”Darling, think about what you’re saying and moreso what you’re doing. The enemy will ALWAYS deceive you into thinking his way is right. Remember the vows that you took with your husband. It was a covenant that was made with not only between the two of you, but with GOD”. Remember…He can do ALL THINGS…including strengthening your marriage. You are correct in saying that your husband may not know, but God will reveal that so clearly to him because you are dishonoring His covenant. Stay prayerful and do the right thing. Your decisions affect more than just YOU!

  • Wanda

    I would like to THANK both Joe and Cat for celebrating the blessing of a sound marriage. It is those such as yourself that I’d like to sit down with and take pointers because I believe, at age 48 and married going on 10 years, that my marriage commitment was for a “lifetime” and foolishly, both my husband and I have not put in the work that is needed to maintain it properly and joyously (which I understand includes the best and worse of times). Unfortunately, it is not only the young but those such as Brenda and the Hollywood imitators who cloud the facts that a good, lifetime marriage relationship is both doable and rewarding for those who purposely and determinatedly put in the work. Thanks again, Joe and Cat for celebrating what, by faith, I believe was God’s foundation for mankind.

  • RUBY

    I hate to see the Gores split up, they seem like the ideal family,after 40 years, I am at the point of that situation after 51 years together,I don’t know which way to go for now.Not a rich person, nor a well off family but what can a desicion to make it better?Lost out answers.

  • Manu Salah

    The reason why it is this way is because marriage and the institution
    has been made false. So that pattern is followed. There are certain cultures that it is different.
    Men and woman in the last100 years maybe longer maybe shorter have
    switched roles in behavior just as other animals in the kingdom smile.
    Tongue in Cheek. Lack of Money is a very clear obstacle.
    Wealth keeps most people happy cause they can afford the change of the private life style or open life style because it makes no difference.
    Well folk are always saying money is not every thing but I say that money may not be everything but it is next to oxygen try living with out it. With out the breath of life you are dead without money or the means of exchange with a wretched life you just as well wish you were dead.
    Some things are done so wrong,that
    lust and a fine looking booty from a cutie.
    Other time something causes ttwo people to share
    but they are not the right pair.
    Never were really compatible from the outset but the Butt?
    The big problem is the selfishness of divorce. (Money)
    There is no more what we might call Honey.
    Different personalities other generalities not in accord.
    Some people want it their way and their way only.
    We are not swans or ducks or squirrels or monkeys lol.
    We are people,maybe we need to do a better job in choosing a mate.
    Not just give in to that notion playing with our motion on that date.
    How to fix a marriage even the experts have problems.
    Let get real down to reality and actuality.
    Why suffer more years then you have too.
    Some people will not change and you know that.
    Be wise.Wow while I am writing this
    I read Matthew chp 20 to verse 16 Just thought I share that it may not have anything to do with anything.
    My face Book: Manu Salahudin Omowali Mateus (Very Interesting)
    Thank you all.
    Morabeza to each and every one.
    Porton De Re Gressor By The Mendes Brothers ( The Gate of Return)
    A great CD You will love it.
    Tina Turner said: whats Love got to do with it?

  • Dave

    Here’s one for you. My wife and I have been together 28 years, married for 27. I love her with all my heart.She has stage 4 breast cancer . I am retired We are watching everything we worked for all our lives have to be sold to pay the bills. We tried to get her on ssd or ssi but MY pension check is too high ($3000.00 per month) We tried to get food stamps again too much money comming in I was told the only way my wife could get any help at all is if we were to get a divorce or if I died. How sad is that? I love her with all my heart so looks like we may be homeless and starving soon . But I’ll be with her till the end . That’s what love and comitment is.And I will stand by her till the end.

  • Your Name

    Dave, you just made me CRY … THAT’S THE KIND OF COMMITMENT WE NEED IN LIFE TO OUR VOWS … STANDING BY EACH OTHER’S SIDE REGARDLESS OF THE MATERIAL COSTS!! It is the spiritual connection that will hold, mend, and keep us from falling into:
    We’ve just grown apart
    I don’t love him/her anymore
    I want to do something different
    I’m just not that in to you…
    Thanks Dave!!

  • MarleneEmmett

    My mother in law went and divorced my father in law after 62 years
    of marriage just last year. I can’t understand it.
    I come from a family who beleives in long marraiges.
    one aunt & Uncle died 6 weeks apart after 65 years of marriage.
    My mom’s passing was the only thing that put an end to my parent’s
    marriage of 26 years.They would have been married 62 years on June26.
    I’m married for 32+ years, and sure not everything is 100% ok all
    the time but I don’t go running off to a lawyer.
    I Stick it out and talk things out.

  • Nancy

    (Therese, who did the proof reading on this…it was kind of hard to read at times.)
    DAVE! You made my day! How awesome it is to hear a man say that. (But, sweetie, U need to do what is best for you and your wife). That is just a thought…Does a piece of paper make a marriage? It is said by law that in some states that just the act of vows makes a marriage. Couldn’t you get the divorce and celebrate the assistance that comes with it with a renual of your vows? Believe me, I have been homeless for two years…it is not fun. Our lights were almost turned off yesterday but a very sweet niece paid $400 to cut them back on. It has been 120 degree heat index’s here for a week. (MS) and I don’t know what we would have done. I will pray for you both BUT you are already blessed! just being the kind of person you are.

  • Your Name

    It’s only because of Love that man and woman are united,aside from that very reason,everything else are purely about friendship.Divorce is very necessary as a repair for a broken relationship and can and will transform a bad heartbreaking and bitter relationship into a
    forgiving frienship relationship between the same individuals.Truly,God is love,we are to be loving people when we claim God as our Father in Heaven.thanks!

  • Irene

    Mom and Dad were married for 57 years. This marriage ended only because my father died. They gave my siblings and I the best example of how marriage works. Their attitude was: we are in this for life, no exceptions. I think that if more people went into marriage with that idea, there would be a higher success rate. Since when do marriage vows include exceptions? At the weddings I’ve attended I don’t recall any “only if” statements included in the vows. I think that there are to many so called experts who are all to quick to give people a quickie, blameless, poor you excuse to get out of a relationship that isn’t “doing it” for them. Marriage is something that takes work and both partners have to be mature enough to be responsible for the outcome. If you want it to be successful, make it happen and don’t quit.

  • exetergal…

    …to me, there is a simple explanation to this. not all species of animals ‘mate for life’. humans are animals…so…not all humans are designed to ‘mate for life’. see that…simple explanation to an age-old quandary…

  • Esther

    Well before one should embark on marriage, you suppose to ask yourself am i getting married for the sake of marriage, just not to be alone or is my emotion deceiving me or is it true love. This three determines successful marriage.As i told one person that told me that they have marriage seminar in our church, I told him that if the marriage is based on love there is no misunderstanding that the two people cannot settle because he is a married man. I told him that before a man will approach a woman for marriage he supposed to ask himself did i truly love her and secondly is there something she will do that i cannot find a place in my heart to forgive he, if not fornication.He told me that some get married for the sake of being two in a home. I can,t narrate mine. But as they are fighting their war in our church i told my zonal Pastor that i cannot live with a man that i don’t love for the sake of marriage. I told him that i don’t want just to get married for one reason. there is a lesson God used one though person i worked for as my manager to teach me. Whenever he offends me, i will tell my friends that am going to quit the job. Until one day God asked me, if he is your husband will you quit then i continued to work there until i started my own.Remember God hates divorce.

  • Liz B

    I am in the midst of a divorce, our 24 year anniversary is in 18 days. The divorce won’t be final before then so i guess it is still our anniversary. I do still love him, I never sropped. He however has been sleeping with my best friend for the past 5 years or so……my MARRIED ex-best friend. I do believe marriage is forever. He still won’t admit the truth. He isn’t sorry, it isn’t the first affair. If he isn’t sorry and won’t stop, why should i continue?
    My heart is btoken, and not sure i can trust anymore.

  • Lou H

    You have to respect yourself more than they (your husband and ex friend). Put your head up, let people who don’t respect you go, and start looking for a life of happiness instead of disrespect. The longer time passes, the more your heart will heal, I promise!!

  • Your Name Cheryl

    I was married for 15 yrs, we divorced for several reasons & i re married after 5 yrs being single. My
    second marriage has lasted 22 yrs my son is 21. I was diagnosed with lupus when my son was 3
    & been battling this disease ever since. After working as an RN for yrs. I had to go on total
    disability. This has affected our finances & our style of life significantly. Through all the ups &
    downs my husband has been supportive & never complains of taking me to the hospital &
    frequent ER visits with long hrs of waiting. I appreciate his thoughtfulness & patience. My
    first husband would not have been as understanding. My son was born premature at 7 mos &
    weighed 3 lbs so we had a yr of nurses, breathing equipment, several ER visits with my son as
    he had BPD due to no lung development at birth. I think my husband is a saint maybe that’s
    why his first name is Sante. I’m sure that most people go into marriage with the right
    attitude but life happens & without God most people quit

  • moongirl35

    After so many years go by. You one day feel like you deserve something better than what you have settled for. Sometimes he/she (long time partner) has begun to take you for granted, verbal abuse has set, physical abuse(sometimes) The other partner just plain ignores you. A lot of abuse has entered the marriage. you just get fed up,one day. You either will settle for the crumbs or leave. Some leave,most settle. Once you settle. Death of self lingers near. You no longer even love you. You feel helpless and all alone. The death of Mary,John Danny no longer exist. You are a walking time bomb with no siginificance. This is a sad and sorry state to be in. He finds you unattractive and worthless,really. Vice versa. No courtesy,no kind words, kind deeds toward one another.Sex has ceased many months,maybe, years. What’s the use in holding on? Nothing to hold onto. It only gets worse as time goes by. Someone has to call it quits.

  • Melissa

    Liz B,
    I believe myself to be a woman seeking of God. I do believe there is justifiable reason for divorce over adultry. I can’t imagine why one, if they so choose, would want to stay in a marriage with betrayal, let alone the potential to end up with an STD or worse as a result of a spouses affairs. Seek God, be strong and look forward to what God has planned ahead for you. Above all, keep your head up. I could say, “they are both dogs”; wouldn’t solve your issue though. It is tough to lose two best friends at the same time. When we do what is right; I believe God has a better plan for us. Keep Smiling when the sun is upon your face and you stop to smell the roses. Best Wishes!

  • Bob

    I think that divorse after the kids leave is a healthy thing. How many husbands and wives are really on each others side? I have seen too many couples that are unhappy with each other. But all they do is wait to die.

  • Mary Blackchurch

    The polls have repeatedly shown that atheist households and non-religious households have a significantly lower divorce rate. So we can leave all gods on the “cutting room floor”. Having said that, I think it just boils down to boredom. I think it’s like the writer of the article said. We produce and consume and the produce again. We’re needy and greedy because all of our lives we’re fed the Cinderella story…”and they lived happily ever after”. And we buy into the handsome prince story where he thinks we’re always beautiful, even in rags and he wants to carry us off on a white horse.
    That’s all bullshit. If we were all to just be HONEST we would get on better, the divorce rate would drop, or (and even better in my opinion as the lawyers and judges are all overpaid) stay in a common law companionship like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell. *(Just tossing common names). Susan Sarandon, too, and look how much easier it is to walk away when enough is enough. The American ethic of owning someone is based on the religious tradition of a wedding. But after that beautiful honeymonn, who wants to really remain monogamous?
    I have never met anyone either.

  • Pearl

    I wish more people would view the film “Fireproof” – it has merit and great inspiration.

  • Bazel

    [The polls have repeatedly shown that atheist households and non-religious households have a significantly lower divorce rate. So we can leave all gods on the “cutting room floor”.]
    I think this is so funny. I grew up “in the church” and saw so many hypocrites that I no longer give any merit at all to “Christians” or any other Religious group. They are more interested in Keeping up appearances than in getting to know their partners… also, most churches don’t understand sexuality which is a huge part of marriage.
    That said, I’m not an atheist, but I will say that marriages fail because #1) Couples settled for less than they wanted. #2) Hard to sustain a relationship where you aren’t fulfilled or supported. #3) Really poor communication and understanding within the relationship.
    I highly recommend “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women” Workshops. I know that all of my relationships have improved and I feel that I understand and enjoy men now that I have more knowledge about how they really are and aren’t. Current education has women emasculating men and turning princes into frogs. It could be a lot different.

  • LizB

    I love the Fireproof movie. I had bought it and the Love Dare books one year for Valentines Day. He wouldn’t look at the movie or read the book. Unknown to me he had made his choice and he wasn’t budging.( my ex-friend had told him so many lies and convinced him we had married too young and etc. influencing his thoughts in many ways )
    I love my husband to this day. I am the most forgiving of people, If he had sought forgiveness and had been willing to put his all into making it work, I would be with him still today. I truly believe there is no marriage that can’t work and now know there is no marriage that can’t fail….it depends on the TWO……IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE THE MARRIAGE WORK BUT IT ONLY TAKES ONE TO MAKE IT FAIL.
    We are all waiting to die whether we know it or not, it is what we do with that life in the meantime that matters. Focusing on the material and the flesh we lose our heavenly way…

  • Liz B

    Just wanted to mention, Dave, you are earning a highere place in heaven. You are to be commended and revered. Please keep the faith, be a beacon of light for the rest of us. It is laziness in wanting the easy way, the fast fix, the self gratification every moment that is eating away at the fabric of society. It breaks my heart.
    I am reading a book that I saw recommended on this site. It is a great book that is helping me as well as the faith, prayer and support of so many others.
    The book is called Boundaries, and you are right Lou H, it is time, time to respect myself and stand firm for what I believe in.
    And Bob, there is help out there for couples, it takes time and effort but you can find your way back to each other, so long as you take the time and have Faith, Honesty and Love.

  • Wayne T

    I’m not sure where Mary Blackchurch is getting her information, but everything I’ve read concerning faith and happiness in marriage & life is just the opposite of what her findings have been.
    National Institute for Healthcare Research
    “Interestingly, the negative outcomes associated with growing up in a broken home can be offset by religious faith. Dr. Larson of NIHR found that religious commitment not only decreases the likelihood of divorce, but it also predicts greater satisfaction in marriage. Furthermore, several other studies have confirmed the positive relationship between religious commitment and increased longevity.
    A study of an elderly population published in the American Journal of Epidemiology found that the less religious had mortality levels twice as high as those of the more religious–even after controlling for age, marital status, education, race, gender, the person’s health, and previous hospitalizations. Moreover, according to a 10-year follow-up of 2,700 persons in another epidemiological health study, increased church attendance was the only social factor that effectively decreased mortality rates in women.”
    MARRIAGE is on the decline, but married people are more likely to stay together than cohabiting couples, says an in-depth analysis, Focus on Families, from the office of National Statistics. Married people live longer, and enjoy the best health; they provide unpaid care for their sick, disabled, and elderly relatives, and their children get better results at school than those of single or cohabiting parents.

  • Robert Clarke

    Men> Be loving and True, be kind and gentle with women.
    Women> Be same as above with men but you must understand their physical needs must be satisfied as well as emotional needs. Men are quicker on the trigger and must be taught to understand and slow down with women.
    I am over 85 and have been happy in marriage over 60 years. Men- it’s a give and take world and if you are willing to give more than you take for 60 years you will get far more than you give but only if you do it the way I say!!

  • Clara B.

    I waited 30 yrs. for my husband to change. We had a large family, he was rarely home. He always had a love interest elsewhere. I lived with his indifference until I found he had fathered another child with one of his women whom he also abandoned. We are still married but apart for almost 20 years. Yes, divorced had been filed, he wanted to try again. I guess I still loved who I thought he could be. How does one repair a marriage when one person refuses to try? One cannot. I am tired of hearing marriage advice. It takes two people to work at it. I changed so often I lost myself. I lived lonely and alone. I am better by myself. He still has women. He still lies and cheats. The children he didn’t want help him financially. Life is so strange, but I tell myself children are often drawn to the abuser. I treated him with respect and belief. I forgot about believing in myself and my faith was often mocked. Thank you Liz for saying it only takes one to make a marriage fail. I have beaten myself up for years trying to figure where “I” went wrong and what did “I” do. My mistake might have been not ending it sooner, but I also believe each of my children was meant to be.

  • Liz B

    Clara B………you are not alone. Please read that book, Boundaries, it really helps and it shows you even in the Bible where the Boundaries are. We are not meant to give and forgive so much that we lose ourselves. We are God’s beloved children.
    Thoughts, prayers and hugs to you.

  • WAI HO

    I browsed through the content page of “Boundaries”. Interesting indeed, I shall read the book soon. However, do allow me to pen in this comment. Although I am Chinese, regardless of race or religion or from which country of birth we came from, I feel that without the wisdom of ones self-discipline and self-control, one could be transformed without reasonable doubts. Do you agree?

  • Liz B

    I agree we need to have self-control and self-discipline which leads to self-purification. We need to be pure of Heart, Spirit, and Body, no matter our Race, Color or Creed. It is all one and the same to me.
    We are all children of a higher power, whether you call Him God, Allah, Budda, Nature or even the Universe. We are all one.
    Another book that looks good, I am ordering next.
    I continue to grow and learn.

  • pam

    I am going through divorce right now. My husband abandoned me when I really needed him the most. We’ve been married 28 or 29 yrs. We’ve had a slew of problems infidelity being one. Domestic violence, alcoholism to name a few. We’ve lived apart for almost 10 yrs we tried to live together but it did not work. A year ago we tried again to live together, only to realize that we could not do it. My husband in my opinion is a serial cheater and has a lot of growing up to do. I in between our separation had found someone who has been there for me in so many ways that my spouse had not. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago, my husband was there for me through two surgeries and one treatment, after that he continued an affair with a woman that he is now going public with today. It’s ok I’ve moved on and I’m divorcing him. I did what I could to save the marriage but one-sided relationships are not promising at all. I’m moving on for the better.

  • Daisy

    I just finished reading a book called This Is Not The Story You Think It Is….A Season of Unlikely Happiness a memoir by Laura Munson. How in the summer of 2008 she took care of herself and her children while allowing her husband of 15 years to deal with his mid-life crisis and not get in his way by venting the anger and devastation she was feeling inside when he told her he didn’t love her anymore she just didn’t believe it. This is her first published book after trying for soooo long to get one published. I am 62 have been separated for 7 years and married for 44 years. My husband decided he wanted to rescue a gal 22 years younger with 2 teenagers his EGO leading him all the way! When I retire in 4 years and move back to our home town or near my older son in another state, I plan to get a divorce. Our younger son 40 lives with me, he is bipolar but has finally accepted his illness, takes his medications and is calm, happy and as good as he will ever be but disabled. I was so broken hearted over what my husband had decided to do that I didn’t want to live any more but time heals a broken heart and I have become a survivor and quite like the peace of not having the chore of trying to make a man happy when he can’t seem to do that for himself. If we can’t be happy alone we won’t be happy with someone else. And that’s my story for now!

  • Liz B

    Three cheers to surviving and to the survivors!

  • arlene

    since these two celebrities have a ton of money they don’t need God and that is why their marriage went down. it’s easy to go separate ways with all their money. neither one of them is saved by the blood of Christ obviously. what did you expect and who cares in light of it all.

  • Lokelani Rosenau

    In the year of 2010 of March 12, my husband decided to reverse in years and become 20 again and walked out on me on April 11, 2010, 5:30 am and filed for a divorce and got it in June or July ‘2010. Why?? After 20 yrs of knowing him, caring, loving, and trusting him. He also was having an affair when I was waiting faithfully for him at home. Why? He has not answered any of my questions — maybe because of guilt — I don’t know.
    For years he has reminded me of how much he loved me and would never leave me or file for a divorce nor would he let me leave either.
    The night before he left he told me he loved me and would make our marriage work — so was that a lie??
    Are vows and promises exactly the same?? Made to be broken!!
    He got hurt at work twice, burnt by fire once and the other by steam and I cried with him and for him and took care and nursed him back to health and he still leaves me!!
    He mentioned once to my daughter that he didn’t like it when I got upset when he would stare at other women or talk to them. I got upset when he talked to them and never introduced me as his wife. I just stood there as tho’ I was invisible till I spoke up and said “I am his wife and nice to meet you!” And she would give a look of I didn’t know that and she would mention that he never told her he was married.
    So what do women like me do with the rest of our life besides crying and wishing things were back the way they were? Guess, start looking or like they say — time to go hunting for another mate and this time no more mistakes!!!! And never going to get married again — just date and that is it!!
    Guess the term — live happily ever after doesn’t exist either just in Fairy Tales!!??

  • Paulie Abque

    we really do have to rethink this “you complete me forever” ridiculous idea of marriage. We just aren’t built in the way that we have contrived one another into believing that marriage should be a certain way and if it’s not that somehow it isn’t meaningful. time to get real and stop the charade. A more realistic, workable goal should be: “I like you pretty good, let’s see how it goes….” and take all the unrealistic goals and expectations we have towards a mate. My happiness is my responsibility alone and the minute I put that responsibility in the hands of another I have just guaranteed the relationships’ ultimate demise. Time to get smart about how the universe really works and how humans are really set up to engage in marrigage. Hint: we’ve been told a bunch of lies.

Previous Posts

Seven Ways to Get Over an Infatuation
“Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I” wrote US songwriter Lorenz Hart about the feeling of infatuation. It’s blissful and euphoric, as we all know. But it’s also addicting, messy and blinding. Without careful monitoring, its wild ...

posted 12:46:43pm Feb. 19, 2014 | read full post »

When Faith Turns Neurotic
When does reciting scripture become a symptom of neurosis? Or praying the rosary an unhealthy compulsion? Not until I had the Book of Psalms practically memorized as a young girl did I learn that words and acts of faith can morph into desperate ...

posted 10:37:13am Jan. 14, 2014 | read full post »

How to Handle Negative People
One of my mom’s best pieces of advice: “Hang with the winners.” This holds true in support groups (stick with the people who have the most sobriety), in college (find the peeps with good study habits), and in your workplace (stay away from ...

posted 10:32:10am Jan. 14, 2014 | read full post »

8 Coping Strategies for the Holidays
For people prone to depression and anxiety – i.e. human beings – the holidays invite countless possibility to get sucked into negative and catastrophic thinking. You take the basic stressed-out individual and you increase her to-do list by a ...

posted 9:30:12am Nov. 21, 2013 | read full post »

Can I Say I’m a Son or Daughter of Christ and Suffer From Depression?
In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, we read: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” What if we aren’t glad, we aren’t capable of rejoicing, and even prayer ...

posted 10:56:04am Oct. 29, 2013 | read full post »


Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.