Beyond Blue

Ellen Brown.pngToday’s guest blog is by Ellen Brown, certified professional coach in Cleveland, Ohio who works with clients, by phone, all over the country, to help them overcome their challenges with courage, hope and optimism. She is also a regular contributor to
My journey began about 11 years ago, when I was working as a home-based writer, and memories of sexual abuse and rape suddenly began flooding my consciousness. It was a good thing I was self-employed, at the time, because what happened over the course of the next few years sent me spiraling out of control.
In the beginning, I experienced intense flashbacks and body memories, which forced me to re-live the abuse that occurred when I was young. At times, I was blind-sided by waves of physical and emotional pain.
At first, I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, and hoped and prayed I was inventing these horrifying images. That the physical pain I was feeling was fake. That I was creating these fantasies. Because that was more comforting than believing that the people I trusted had betrayed me.
But the more I resisted, the more the memories persisted. On and on, like a nightmare that would seemingly never end.
The good news is that when I finally allowed myself to believe the memories were true, the flashbacks and body memories tapered off and eventually stopped. But there was still plenty to overcome. Over the course of the next several years, I did a great deal of healing, in therapy and support groups and with the help of my wonderfully loving husband, Jeff and some supportive survivor friends.
Dealing with Abuse Takes Time, But How Much Time?
They say that dealing with child abuse or any difficult loss takes time, and that’s true. But in my opinion, it doesn’t need to take THAT much time, and sometimes, if you’re not careful, it can take a lifetime to move beyond the pain. One day, I realized that my life was slipping away, and I had allowed my entire identity to become tied up in being a “survivor.”
At that point, I realized I had a choice. I could continue to wear my “survivor label” like a badge of honor and blame others for what I didn’t like about my life. Or I could take responsibility for my life, and realize that my past didn’t have to define me. Yes, I was a survivor of sexual abuse and rape, but I was so much MORE than that. I didn’t want to just survive, I wanted to THRIVE!
It was probably no coincidence that I began exploring my spirituality at this same time. I had never been religious, (and I’m still not) but suddenly I wanted to believe that all these memories had bubbled up for a reason, that there WAS, in fact, some divine plan. That something good would come of these horrible revelations.
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