Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Tiger Woods Alleged Affair: A Letter By a Man Healing From an Emotional Affair

posted by Beyond Blue

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In light of the rumors about Tiger Woods affair, I thought I’d publish a letter of healing, a real response to what cheating does to a person and a family. Furthermore, I know that many folks are hurting from the wounds of emotional or physical affairs because the comments continue to collect on the comboxes of my posts devoted to this topic. This comment from an anonymous reader tugged at me because I could sense the sincerity and pain in his voice. He wrote it to be cathartic, but I also think it may help others who are flirting with something that might be very harmful in the long run. He writes ….

***

I hope that writing this turns out to be cathartic.

I am a married man who has been involved in what I have come to find out is an emotional affair for at least a year, intensely, and probably a lot longer on a less intense level. The affair is with a married co-worker who, like myself, is involved as part of the ownership structure of the company I work with. What started out as a professional working relationship changed over time. Early on, this was not a person who I had an immediate bond with – pleasant, professional, but totally not my type and on what I perceived to be a totally different emotional plane.

Over the span of many years, I became the person she would confide in. I truly felt for and sympathized with the distance she felt within her marriage, the struggles she faced with her family, perspectives she asked for on spirituality, everything. We crossed emotional boundaries which I have only ever crossed when I was in the early phases of a romantic relationship with someone. We spent tons of time together, work and non work, goofed off together, shared a lot of happiness and a lot of the depths of our souls. I’m not pretending that the feeling was not mutual, but she needed me, and does need me. And for me, needing to be needed and wanted is a huge part of my existence.

There has been nothing physical, nothing sexual. Part of me longs for that, fantasizes even, but I would never want to cross that line because that is what I once considered the point of no return. Know what? Even without the sex, without the physical attachment, I now believe that, for me, the point of no return was long ago.

My feelings for her have become a demon I have struggled with and continue to do so. As time passed, I found myself exaggerating stories about little frustrating things in my marriage, things which sympathized with her experience but which I knew were not completely true. I wanted to be part of this private club of misery in hopes that it might draw her towards me. I wanted to push the envelope as far as it would go. I enjoyed her mostly innocent flirtation and what was a real emotional connection with someone. I found myself thinking that this woman was really my soulmate, and even though I knew that a more intense relationship was not possible, just let my feelings keep going.

I began thinking about her all the time. The burden of my emotions and the connection I had with her became so consuming and even painful that I prayed to God to end them. Because of professional issues, I knew that she would not ever be completely out of view unless things changed radically, but I was hopeful that I could just turn off my heart and mind and focus again on being a husband to my wife and a father to my family. It worked. For a while. And then, I found myself in this same vicious cycle all over again.

I can only imaging that it is like what alcoholics refer to as falling off the wagon.

A while ago, I found out that she had rekindled a relationship with an ex-boyfriend, or he had with her or something. I don’t know all the details, but I know enough to hurt because of it. I’m miserable. I thought I was the only one with whom she shared so many things. And I completely realize the hypocrisy of having jealous feelings for someone of whom I have no business being jealous. I was wrong to have any feelings in the first place. I was wrong to have the subsequent feelings. Everywhere I turn, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I am miserable. 

I’m sure that I will find my way out of this. But for now, I am miserable. Miserable for the time I lost with my family, miserable for the love and intimacy I denied them, and miserable for the way I feel about my situation and the hopelessness I feel. I’m broken-hearted and too afraid to discuss my feelings with my wife or even my best friends. I am a deceiver and I deserve everything I have gotten.

So, please, if this reaches anyone who thinks they might be going down a dangerous slope, stop. Just stop. If you’re smart enough to realize that it might be a no-win situation which if you were honest about, would cause pain to your family, or you, stop. Just don’t do it.

I wish I had.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

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Danu

posted December 2, 2009 at 10:44 am


I was in this same situation a year ago. Still hurting, still healing. My heart aches just to read this.
Would love to reach out this person in some way, is that possible?



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LIsa S

posted December 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm


On the one hand the 10 commandments state that “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” and “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods” and indeed you can look at the anonymous writer’s feelings for his coworker to be a violation of these commandments….being interested in her romantically and then feeling jealousy over her new relationship etc.
But thoughts are just thoughts. They are neither good nor bad. They are just thoughts. It’s ACTION that counts – acting out on those thoughts is where true sin lies. And this reader has remained faithful to his wife and not crossed that line….so in this regard he should feel not guilty but proud that he withstood the temptation.
Trying to be a good Catholic is hard. But being truly sorry is what leads to God’s immediate forgiveness. And this man seems truly sorry. So God has already forgiven him and he should let this burden go. He should stop beating himself up and continue to live as the faithful servant to God that he has been all along.
If he feels the need he can even go to confession to confirm God’s forgiveness. But he truly has already been forgiven.



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Anton C.

posted December 2, 2009 at 1:20 pm


I remember a time when a man’s business was his own. I don’t think we will ever get back to that, and that is a great tragedy.



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Ann Strong

posted December 2, 2009 at 1:57 pm


This reader did not remain emotionally faithful to his wife. He shared and even exaggerated intimate situations that should not have been shared with another woman.
Self love, compassion and forgiveness may begin a healing process. Also, working with a professional around needing to be needed and wanted so much as to get into this painful, no-win situation might bring the healing he’s looking for . . .



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Henrietta22

posted December 2, 2009 at 6:44 pm


A marriage is a partnership that is to be built on and to grow together. To say this man didn’t do wrong according to the ten commandments because his desire was only in his thoughts is wrong. That is what covet means; control your desires in your mind or to have an inordinate wrongful desire. He knows he cheated his wife out of building strong emotional bonds between them. God will forgive him, but will his wife when and if she finds out?
As far as Tiger Woods, he has said enough. He doesn’t owe the public another word, it’s between he and his wife. He’s a super golf Champion and anything else is not our business.



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Marko

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:41 am


I don’t get it. What’s wrong with confiding and having a close relationship with a person of the opposite sex? Even one is married? I think it’s a beautiful thing being close to other people (not just your spouse), and I don’t see it as an affair at all.



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nishu

posted December 3, 2009 at 4:05 am


Iam suffering for what my husband did to me & our 3 kids. he did the same.and its only been 2 months & its still paining & not yet healed.but he went further & slept with her.GOD showed me all his texts,only GOD can do it.dear Marko,after marriage there is a limit for everything,for friendship too evenif it is with the same sex.coz it is a commitment,a promise….one should never break it.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 6:43 am


Thought..you that you may want to look at your marriage and why the hole was there in the first place? If nothing was missing, you would not have developed feelings for this person. I am in a similar situation (or was) and no matter what happens – which one of us move – which one of us gets a new job – we disconnect for awhile, we are still connected (11 years of friendship). AND I moved 6 hours away! The bond has not changed though a great deal of other things have.



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queentut

posted December 3, 2009 at 10:09 am


I find this artical discusting. The fact that it is alleged means your are condemming this man and acting as judge and jury based on a rumor. I think that you need to stick to the factual items and bud out of the rumor world. If he in fact did this it is non of your business in the firat place and the fact that you are exploiting this man is repulsive. Who are we to sit in judgement of anybody worse yet based on a rumor. you are out of line here and have crossed into tabloid status with me.



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queentut

posted December 3, 2009 at 10:26 am


I find this artical repulsive. You are exploiting a man based on a rumor. Who are we to sit in judgement of anyone and worse yet to degrade him based on a rumor. This is cheap and discusting.



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mixed up in PA

posted December 3, 2009 at 10:41 am


What if one is living with someone and they are not married to thier mate and you become involved both of you sharring time phone calls and a desire to be together! Sharring everything from Deaths to Birth of a baby to become involved is it wrong?



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Debi

posted December 3, 2009 at 10:46 am


WOW! Very well put. It has been years, but I remember these feelings so well when I myself was involved, first emotionally, then on yet another plane. I hope your message gets through to the intended audience. Thanks for sharing your story, and I pray for healing for you and your family.



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Kye

posted December 3, 2009 at 10:56 am


To respond to Mixed Up in PA…I think it’s wrong! Altough yu are not “married” to this person, you have committed yourself to them. You are being deceitful, so it really doesn’t matter whether you are married or not, the deceit is there so that makes it wrong. If you don’t want to be there….leave (always easier said than done…I know) but don’t continue to fool yourself and this person. You only get one life and we must be happy in it! If you are not happy…make provisions in your life to seek happiness, not by being deceitful, but being true to “self”. But I can almost gurantee you……most affairs don’t work! Some do, but most DON’T! You eventually get caught and then it all falls down!



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Cindy

posted December 3, 2009 at 10:58 am


Couple of issues I would like to address, first and most significant to me is the compassion that you are showing to Tiger and his family…..God knows we need as much compassion as we can find in our hearts to help heal our sad world. I have prayed for support and encouragement for this man and his family from the first news report I heard and am seeing so much real compassion expressed, it makes my heart glad. It is so easy to take a cheap shot when someone is down and it only results in pulling more of us down. We have better to offer……and we often do.
Second, I know how it is to be scared of intimacy and how much safer I feel if my barriers are up and I feel in control…..seems like we cause harm to ourselves while trying to prevent others from hurting us.



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Cilantra

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:00 am


Marriage is supposed to be based on faithfulness and trust. I too violated both and my ex ended up hurt and leaving. I learned my lesson. Anyway I’ve been on my own for the past 10 years and concentrating on myself. When and if I do meet my “soul mate”, the relationship will be based on the aforementioned. It’s the only way to have a quality relationship (not necessarily marriage). With age comes wisdom!



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Pam

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:10 am


you cant control your thoughts but you can control your actions. If a person acts on desireable thoughts he/she will have to face the consequences. Sometimes that results in unhappy endings. how does the old saying go? you play you pay!



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Hardworkinmomma

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:12 am


Dear Mixed up in Pa,
If you are living with someone and sharing everything from Bills to your Bed and Family activities such as Death of Family Members and Births of Babies then yes this would be considered cheating. Just because you two have not made the steps to be one under God’s rules like you should then yes any Emotional Affair or Sexual Affair is still an affair. You have agreed to be as one with your mate when you decided to move in together that is exclusivity with one another.
Cheating is wrong in anyway you put it. You can try to paint it anyway you want but it is still cheating. I have considered looking to chat with someone because I am Married and am very lonely as we have become Best Friends and more like Roommates lately. I went so far as posting an Ad online. However the next morning I removed the post before any harm had even started, The fact that I even considered it and went so far as putting the post up made me feel so guilty. My husband is a wonderful man that has his priorities messed up is all.
I got on my knees and asked for Forgiveness. I then told my Husband we needed to talk and I came clean about what I had done. I thought it would definately end my Marriage but what kind of Marriage would I have had if I was not honest. My Husband was glad I had come to him about this as I had been telling him for months I needed some attention and he did not give it to me. He forgave me because of 2 things #1 I immediately took the post down and #2 I came clean with him. He told me that if I started feeling lonely again or if he was getting his priorities messed up again then to tell him so he can find more time with me.
I now know that if you do not sit your partner down and actually talk to him seriously face to face that they do not hear what you have to say, Communication is key in all good marriages. I am so glad I took the post down and never went through with it because I would never have found a Man as good as my Husband.
Holywood is also to blame because they make these movies like P.S. I Love You and The Wedding Planner and a huge amount more Chic Flicks that have Women fantasize why couldn’t there husbands be that Romantic and so they want to look elsewhere for that kind of Love, Passion and Romance. You can look a thousand miles and then walk a thousand more and you will never find the Perfect Husband or the Perfect Wife. You can watch Romance on a Movie for 2 hours all you want and have all these Fantasies that there are partners out there that are that Romantic and that love one another that deeply but you need to get back into relity because even though you are Married and/or living together after a few years of Marriage that Fireworks you felt everytime you kissed or made love it does eventually fade because real life kicks in.
Take Care All



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Dan

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:17 am


are you really that dumb? so you thought she would not find out? when you first started talking to her, you should of think your wife is watching over you,because when you do this your wife could see a change in you, you might not notice it but she will and she might not even say anything till it get worst,you might think you and that women knows each other but she does not know more then your wife, you wife can see the change in you,so if your flirting or talking sweet you might want to think your wife is looking over your shoulder, if you say anything that she does not like then you cross that line,if you kept it up then you just as well tell your wife, talk is one thing, getting your feelings in it is a bad thing,if you and your wife does not have all things in common you should never try to fill that in with another woman, because later you find out there are still things that you and her that are not in common and you be back in the place you was but might be alot worst



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Mr. Man

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:17 am


Dear Married Man,
Just the fact that your feeling remorseful and owning up to your emotional slipping, I truly think you are on the healing and being-forgiven path. A lot of times, we try to justify our emotional/physical affairs buy pretending things are not going well at home (for those men who have a conscience still) but its only an excuse.
Marko, what if YOUR wife confides and builds a close relationship with another man. Someone she can trust and tells all her happiness and/or problems of YOU to him?? We’ll see how beautiful of a relationship you think it is after….



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mee mee

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:19 am


I would suggest if at all possible is to transfer out of your current position. Seeing her will only drive yourself into a deeper hole. Inaddition, find someone to talk thru your feelings. Sometimes you can’t see clearly when you go around and around with your own thoughts. You need someone who you can talk thru the emotions and that someone should be open and honest with you. He/she may be able to really put things in perspective for you such as hurting your family and the possibility of losing them. Sometimes, its easier to put their needs first and you’ll know what you need to do. I don’t suggest you continue to be friends with this woman….. you have to break the tie. Its hard but I believe your family is alot more important than a friendship.
Good luck and I pray that God will give you the strength to overcome it but the key is you have to get right with God. Trust me, after a few months away…. it would seem so trivial to even think you have this type of intensity feelings for her. Btw, you need to find ways to remember why you fell in love with your wife again…. romance her and get to know her again… you’ll be surprised how fast you would fall in love with her again :-)



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Melissa

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:23 am


Thank you for sharing this man’s letter. It is wise to guard one’s heart.



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RL

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:37 am


JUST KNOW GOD IS ABLE TO DELIVER THOSE FEELINGS AWAY,BUT WE HAVE TO BE SUBMISSIVE TO HIS WILL AND SENSITIVE TO THE SPIRIT, THERE ARE ALOT THIS FLESH GETS INTO, WE NEED TO PRAY MORE, SEEK AFTER CHRIST. READ ROMANS 13:14 BUT PUT YE ON THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, AND MAKE NOT PROVISION FOR THE FLESH, TO FULLFIL THE LUSTS THEREOF. WE ARE NOT PERFECT BUT WE REALLY CAN STRIVE FOR CHRIST JUST KNOW GOD IS THERE JUST POUR OUT TO HIM IMMEDIATLY HE CAN DELIVER,WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I HAD FEELINGS FOR MY BOYFRIEND SO STRONG IT HURT WHEN WE SPLIT UP, BUT GOD KNEW WHAT WAS BEST, I GOT SAVED NOT LONG AFTER AND HE DELIVERED THOSE FEELINGS AWAY LIKE THEY WERE NEVER THERE, HE CAN DO THE SAME FOR ANYONE JUST LET HIM.



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Anne

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:39 am


In my youth I had to learn the hard way that a relationship can not survive infidelity. Even if the relationship is repaired after the infidelity the scar remains and things are never truly the same. In my later years; I was married for 14 years to a man I was totally faithful to. He was faithful to me; but before he died he became emotionally attached to another woman. I was just as devastated, if not more so, by this emotional attachment even though I was sure there was nothing physical going on. I think it hurt more that he cared for this woman than if he had a merely physical fling with someone. In any case; I do believe that this man cheated and he, at least, is honest enough to admit it. I would say one thing to him. An affair of the imagination is hard for a woman to fight. Since it exists only in your mind the woman is idealized and without the reality connection you never see or experience her faults or weaknesses. How many of her good qualities are magnified by your imagination. I know you think you know her. But do you really? Try to focus more on your wife who most likely knows what is going on and suffering.



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GODSCHILD

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:40 am


LORD JESUS CHRIST is the answer to HAPPINESS.
TRUE HAPPINESS.
It’s ONE WAY TRAFFIC No Options. And it is FINAL.
It means DIVINE DISCIPLINE
It means DIVINE LOVE
LOVE is GODLINESS
Though perfection is HARD but absolute submission to LORD JESUS,
and REPENTANCE, SOLVES this problem.
Love eliminates
HATRED
DECEIPT
LIES
DISHONESTY
URGE TO HURT or Hurting others
LOVE ushers in
HAPPINESS
Godliness
DIVINE Light
Under GOD’S Directives, Plan and Purpose and
this is the meaning of “Life”
SUBMISSION TO HIS, HEAVENLY FATHER’S WILL.
HE Protects and Prospers us.
GODSCHILD



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Jennifer Hurdelbrink

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:46 am


Selfishness is a pain that anyone dear to you suffers ten fold than you! Stop the madness. be the best person you can be.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:50 am


Lust of the Flesh doesnt not have no respect of person. It doesnt matter if you are Tiger Woods or Average Joe. I am 27 year old woman who life was changed by a emotional affair that my husband had. Reading this article really let me see how things probrably unfolded in my situations. When I first found I began to be in a Rage fit Had to know all the full details and I began to snope and this drove my husband I furter apart. I contact the woman (myspace) and she being to tell me How I was a bad wife for not cooking or cleaning enough. I was so upset that my husband had shared our personalbusiness with this lady. I told him I was leaving and to be with her and have a good life. The whole time he said it was just a friendship and he never wanted me to leave. When I left he was going to make a fool out of me. I left and I began a relationship a physical one at that. MY husband tried for 1 year to get me to come back but I was too catch up in my own relationship to see he had made a mistake and was sorry. I was following my own lust and wanted him to feel the same pain I felt…because I told him all the details. Now I am in the place that I had repented for my affair which I one think i justifed because I said we was seprated so it was really an affair (SO NOT TRUE). My husband and I are still apart. I have stayed faithful even thought being alone is hard. I have relize that We didnt put God first in our marriage and that was one of our biggest problems. I still believe in God’s word and I am holding faith to the covent with God. I am standing still even thru the hurt God is being me joy and just coming across the article lets me know I am not alone. I really thought I was the only one in the situations. God You are in Contol. I put you first and everything else will follow I think you for taking the bitterness and shame out of my heart. I love my husband and We will both overcome our lustful ways. I am so glad



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ann

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:54 am


…divorced, lonely, old, and living with my son. The affair, rather affairs, were wild and wonderful, but the aftermath is ever painful. Yes, God forgave me, but forgiving myself is a constant effort. It has been 40 years since the last affair and I try not to dwell on it, but I daily think “WHAT IF”?????



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carmen

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:57 am


HI I AM A WOMAN IN THE SAME SITIUATION



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Peggy

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:57 am


Tiger will still wake up tomorrow morning in a warm bed, in a pleasant bedroom, inside a beautiful home , in a very nice neighborhood.
He made some mistakes!!!!!!!!! He will still be endorsed, have money in his pockets, and a golf club in his hand, his source of income.
My daughter is on SSi $699/ fighting to get husband to pay alimony, in order to have a home, a bed to sleep in, money in her pocket! and work for a source of income!
What is the the problem with Tiger?
ME



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 11:58 am


The thoughts you had were all yours. They were not this other womans. Like an addict, you got caught up in your thoughts and the secrecy cut you off from the moment and being able to be present with your wife and family. Fortunately, you are coming out of the fog and can now see what you were doing. You can learn to reconnect with your wife, to learn about yourself, and move forward in love. Those feelings you were experiencing were not caused by the other woman, it was you allowing yourself to feel them. They were always there inside of you, you just weren’t allowing yourself to exeperience them. You were deceived by the lie that the other woman was your soulmate and your wife wasn’t. You were blind – but now you see. Go and sin no more. Each day is an opportunity to express your love to your wife in ways you never dreamed. Have you read the 5 love languages of God? Have you gone to a counselor to be able to sort your thoughts out? The other woman is not the problem – it is your own thinking. You have been a captive in your own thinking, deceived by illusions and lies. It keeps you double minded and unable to experience true life. It’s waiting for you!



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amptp

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:07 pm


is this all people have to do who gives a rats ass whaT A MULTIMILLONAIR DOES LOOK AROUND PEOPLE ARE STARVING LOSING THEIR HOMES CAN HARDLY SURVIVE AND THIS IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU GROW UP AND JOIN THE REAL WORLD



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Believing in You

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:20 pm


When you realize that you are the one in charge of the high moments of your life, you will realize that this is not so high, and you can go higher with what you already have and those gifts. The fantasy is what you have made in your own brain – the world has not changed. Candy is sweet but a steady diet makes you fat and unhealthy and even lowers your immune system. See yourself as the fine gentleman you are – that you did not cross the line to where you destroyed your family and that is worth a lot and one day you will really see it. Instead, build on your family – it’s OKAY to do something different – obviously that is what you were needing. You can do the unpredictable without hurting yourself. Maybe that spark can be rekindled. There are THREE in a Godly marriage.



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Stephen B

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:21 pm


This was an excellent letter and truly shows what happens in an emotional affair. With the co-worker I became deeply involved with for years, the only way out was to finally involve my wife, which did end the affair. This was a very painful experience, and still is. My marriage and all my relationships are still being put back together.
Call it the best and worst years so far – that sums it up best. The best because the friendship and understanding I experienced in this emotional affair positively changed my (and her) life physically, spiritually, and mentally forever. It’s also been the worst because I’m mourning the loss of the closest friend I’ve ever known, and can’t beleive it was me who gave my wife more hurt an humiliation than anyone.
Men and women getting involved in a caring, open, supportive way, is the most powerful and transformative relationship there is, and is also the most difficult relationship to extract from. No regrets, and no hatred, but I am sorry for the hurt caused. Happy endings are intended.



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silly girl

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:23 pm


I am in the same situation married and had an affair my husband is in the military and never home I started to get lonely and lived with his family and they treated my very badly made me feel like I was nothing and my husband cared more for them then me I was just the woman that warmed his bed when he was home from war the deployments kept comming as did the children, I started working just to get away “not for money” and a man would come around just to see how I was doing you look sad he would always say and told me he wanted to be my friend well the friendship quickly turned to a sexual one, I lied to everyone I new, lost many many friends the affair lasted for years I treated my husband “we are still married” horrible so horrible that its like we are not married but neither of us has the guts to file. I still love my husband and never thought I would lose him no matter what I did. But I quickly learned that wasnt true I got pregnant and was not sure when man the baby belonged to but I was honest and told my husband the truth, at first he accepted it and said he still loved my and we would work it out so much so that he lied to everyone and told them the baby was his. there was no dening the paternity of the child one man was white and one was black my husbands family told him lies about my and it was just to much for him to take and he gave up I prayed that we would work things out i asked God to give him back to me but to much had happened the guy that I had the affair with turned out to be a loser and I distoryed my life for what I look and reaize was nothing but sex I hope someone can learn from my story



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See Clearly

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:26 pm


A clear conscience CAN go to bed with you each night. The guilty can carry a dark one for a lifetime. It will haunt them at church services, even at weddings and funerals, when other stories come up, when it goes public like it is for poor Tiger. Money deceives. It tells you it is a shelter when it is not. Some mess ups are never “forgotten” in this life. Some stories are tragic. Be glad for every day that you have peace with God.



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Two Are One

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:33 pm


I feel like the lone ranger in this thought but when husbands and wives share business together, then they seem to stand a better chance. When children come there are two different worlds.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:46 pm


This is a private matter. It is none of our business. More people then we know have affairs, The poor, the wealthy, the famous and the no bodys of the world. Women have affairs just like men, but they are better at concealing it and not so stupid to leave phone numbers or messsage on their cell phones. If this was domestic violence related the Elin knows her marriage is in more trouble then just someone having an affair. If Tiger thinks he still wants to sow his wild oats at 33 or 34 years old then he should never have gotten married. He will continue to be exposed to younger and more beautiful women most of his life. He has to mature and realize that he can’t have sex with them all or drink all the liquor in a bar. That is hard for most young men to learn and understand. That comes with growing up and maturity. All those people coming down on him need to check their on closets both women and men. We all have skeltons if someone looked close enough. women who date married man then tell, get a life, some selfesteem. Very few married men ever leave their wives. Anyway why would you want a man that cheats on his wife. Eventually he will do it to you to. You really aren’t that special. Its a private matter let them work it out and mind your own business. It should be a full time job just doing that.



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Carletta

posted December 3, 2009 at 1:13 pm


For those of you throwing stones – think twice. For those who believe that only actions matter, good luck with that. What you focus on grows. This person faced what many, many people (esp men) face years into marriage. The grass appears greener on the other side of the fence and once there, not so much. If we can’t tell our partner what we’re doing, it’s likely wrong and it’s so easy to get into that situation. We all should honor our commitments – all commitments. We all should be as compassionate as possible and we all should heed this warning. This man never intended to have this happen, but let it none-the-less. He confessed here to share a warning, not to ask for judgment and condemnation. Hurrah to those who wished him well. I wish this gentleman well and hope he lavishes the attention on his wife that he gave away to someone else. I also hope they can heal the distance that they all have no-doubt been feeling. Blessings all!



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 1:25 pm


I am now a single woman… my spouse has passed. I have heard about all the pain that relationships cause but, with the last meeting with a married gentleman I have come to reconsider.
I met this man… he is so dear… he took me to lunch and was such a gentleman. He is Hindu and very much religious… we discuss Life everytime we meet. He also explains that his marrige is a ritual so to speak… and that many things we share are more on a plane that is loving and sincere with Life.
He is striving to be much more intimate with me and I seem to be considering doing so with him. I am thinking that if I share my love with him… he will more be able to see Life as it is. I have no one… so no one would be hurt… and no one would tell his wife or family. I argue to myself that I would just be sharing my love with him and not expecting anything in return, though I would, by being able to share an intamacy of love.
So my question to all of you is… how do you feel about this… and most important… should I just break off this relationship?



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Advice

posted December 3, 2009 at 1:31 pm


If you have to ask, you already know the answer. He belongs to someone else, period.



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Don't Do It

posted December 3, 2009 at 1:33 pm


To Your Name
Please do not go there! You are just lonely right now. He is married and it is so wrong. You really won’t be happy in the long term of things. It is good to be friends with people but the trick is to remain friends. Also, never think you are going to change anything about a man because what you see is what you get. They are what you see or don’t see in your case. Please seek solace and affection elsewhere. Maybe you need to work on you first and find out who you are without a man. I mean you were born without and man so God had something in store just for you and maybe you should try to discover that!!



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gloria

posted December 3, 2009 at 1:40 pm


I agree 100% with the last commnent, leave the Tiger Woods family alone, let them work out their problems together. The media is just adding fuel to the fire. The Bible says “He that is with sin let him cast the first stone.” The media just prey on other people’s problems for the sake of news. How many homes have they wrecked with tabloid lies and heresay gossip? We should all pray that Tiger and his wife work things out for the sake of their two beautiful children, because the children will suffer the most from a break up. They need both parents. I hope somehow this gets read by those media jerks so they can see what kind of damage they cause to families with visious gossip. LEAVE TIGER WOODS AND HIS WIFE ALONE,IT’S THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO.WRITE ABOUT WORLD PEACE, WAYS TO BRING OUR TROUP HOME FROM THE WAR SAFE.HOMELESS PEOPLE,CHILDREN WITHOUT PARENTS OR FOOD.



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TrustingWife

posted December 3, 2009 at 1:43 pm


My husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker almost 4 years ago. I found out by accident one day when I picked up his cell phone and saw text messages from “TheHotOne.” When I confronted him, he lied, of course. After several hours of researching our cell phone bills, I got her phone # and called her up. She was also married. Her husband picked up the phone and laughed when I told him what was going on. He said his wife was not hot by any means and she was a harmless flirt. He didn’t take it as seriously as I did.
But I was a newlywed…only married for about a year when the affair started. I had a 4 month old daughter with down syndrome who had just undergone open heart surgery. This betrayal will never be forgotten.
We have been married 5 years now and have two children, but a part of me will never be able to forgive him for confiding in another woman. Men and women are constantly faced with obstacles in a marriage. Whether or not you decide to go down that slippery slope really shows what type of person you are.
My motto has always been don’t do onto someone what you wouldn’t want done onto you. No guy would want his wife sharing her most deepest darkest fantasies with a stranger. Think about that the next time you flirt with a co-worker or a classmate.
I used to think only physical cheating was considered cheating, but I totally believe now that emotional cheating is just as wrong, if not worse.



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Imaan

posted December 3, 2009 at 1:54 pm


I am a widow. Wanted to get married. Found someone on line. I crossed the line by accepting his conditios for marraige. I was grieving and needy. I needed some one to protect me, to lift me up. But he used me for his lust and abused me so much. I just fell in love with him and kept bearing his emotional abuse. Till he left me for another woman.
I still love him. I feel better but still greive the loss of this man on whom I counted.I was abused emtionally,mentally and financially.
He took advantage of a family who was grieving the loss of a loved one plus working hard to settle in USA.



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Anonymous

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:00 pm


To the original man who posted this thread. I understand what you are going through. Eventually you will come through it. It will take time. The first step in the healing process is to be truthful to your wife. Let me tell you why. I had an emotional affair with a man that I had met from my hometown. It started out innocently enough. I was driving cab at the time and this man was one of my regulars. He took a shine to me. I was not emotionally stable in my marraige at the time and this man was telling me everything I desperately needed to hear at the time. When I moved 800 miles away, I kept in contact with this man. Well, one thing led to another and we were texting everyday. One month we had texted over 3000 messages to each other. I felt that this was my true soulmate. The only thing keeping me with my husband was the fact that I could not afford to divorce him and move somewhere else. The guilt that I was carrying was very weight bearing. I had told my husband about it when all of this took place. I wanted to kill myself. My husband had to stand between me and my box of medications. Well, to make a long story short, I ended up in a mental hospital for seven days. That was the start of a long journey to healing. It has taken a LONG time with support from my husband and from the christian family that I have where I live. I still hurt from it from time to time but it is not as bad. I just wanted to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train. Just be honest with your wife and with yourself, and most importantly with GOD. HE will help you through. Love and God bless.



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The Other Side

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:10 pm


“I am a married man…” Nothing more really needs to be said. I am also a married man and my wife did to me exactly what you’re doing to your wife. I have very, very little sympathy for you. You need to pull your head out of your ass, confess to your wife and God what a miserable piece of crap you are and spend the rest of your life trying to make amends to your wife. I don’t care what you think she’s done to you – she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Try being honest. I hope that one day your wife will forgive you just as I hope and pray that I can completely forgive my wife of 27 years.



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MenHurtToo

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:16 pm


The shock to a man who just had his world torn apart by physical indiscretions can actually result in PTSD. In family counseling the saving grace was learning that wedding vows mean nothing and that sex is not an exclusive in marriage, that one can have sex with or not have sex with anyone they choose. As a result for almost 20 years I have had no sex with my wife, we sleep in separate rooms, I have no desire to see her without cloths, we do not kiss or hug. I stayed with her for 3 reasons. Seeing our child, not paying child support and finally because due to the PTSD I lost my job and have never regained my old income levels so I use her for financial support. Right now it is a waiting game to see who passes away first for the insurance money.



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Anonymous

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:20 pm


To add to my previous comment, my husband and I are doing very well now. We are closer now than we ever were. One key point is that God is very much in our marraige. We communicate a whole lot better now. So for all of you that think that a marraige cannot be saved after something like that, I am testiment to the fact that it can be done. We are both better and stronger for it.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:23 pm


I just hope that people know there is a line that should never be crossed. There is a reason for the sacred bonds of marriage. I’m only sixteen, so I cannot totally relate to someone struggling within a marriage, but I can relate to crossing a line and second guessing everything and being so lost and alone. I believe strongly in abstinence before marriage and in a way I broke that with a boyfriend I have. It bonds you in a way that I had no clue of. Now, I am struggling daily with heartache and feeling betrayed. If I wouldn’t have crossed that line I would have saved myself so much pain. Learn from other people, always ALWAYS be open with your spouse, tell them your feelings, and always keep in mind what’s most important to you. Love is SOOooooo much more than lust. Life is about giving up what you want in the moment for what you truly want in the end. That is one of the hardest things to learn. Love to all of you and God bless.



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Anonymous

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:26 pm


To The Other Side…
I know that you are hurting right now. But you need to ask yourself, “What was missing in the marraige that made your wife look somewhere else?” I am the wife that had an emotional affair with another man. I am not saying that what I did was right. It was wrong on so many levels. But at the time, my husband was not being there emotionally like I needed him to be. He was not devoted to me like he should have been. With him, it was all about work. I am not saying that it is like this in every marraige. But why don’t you talk to your wife and see what went wrong. Maybe, with God’s help and with patience and communication, you can mend this marraige. God be with you and your wife.



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Felicia

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:30 pm


This man should forgive himself, communicate with his loved ones and re-evaluate his priorities. This can be a huge growth experience.
Why do we limit love in our society? There is always room for more love.
Consider this: http://www.pullingmyheadoutofmyass.com/2009/12/cheating-on-a-cultural-construct/



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Been There, Done That

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:32 pm


I was involved in an Emotional affair, it cost me my marriage. Now, because of my stupidity, the woman I truly love is gone with no chance of reconciliation. This has tore apart my family, friends, relatives. For those people that think a little flirting is harmless, think again. Before you know it, your under stress or pressure, either at work or home, the harmless flirting becomes confiding in the wrong person, you should be confiding in your spouse.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:34 pm


and to MenHurtToo forgive. Love. Forget. That is no way for anyone to live. I pray for you, your child, and your wife. Be the bigger and the Christ-like person. Find a job, figure out child custody and support, and move on. Or if not, make it work. That is ridiculous to stay with your wife in seperate rooms, for money. If you think you’re doing your child any good, you are not. Divorce is hard on the kids, but two parents with no love, living in the same freakin house, would be ten times harder on them. I think that you have to know this. Your blog was so upsetting to me. Get over it, move on, and be a man. Men do hurt too, but you have to get back up and solve things!



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 2:40 pm


“Once a cheater, always a cheater,” right? Well, I guess that doesnt apply here, wrong! In the eyes of God just thinking it is a sin and the act itself. If its not going to be your wife/husband you cheat on then it will be money, games, or any other means of deceit to suit tour fancy. Two times in a row the exact thing happened to me. I was told how much I was loved right up to the day they left me for the other man they were cheating on me with. It took me almost 6 years to get over the first one and I am still suffering the second. There is light at the end of the tunnel. No, its not a train. Its a big effing truck.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 3:00 pm


My comment, “let he that is without sin cast the first stone.” It’s not accepted what he did, but, there is no degree of sin. Sin is sin, it doesn’t matter who commits it.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 3:11 pm


From my experience, a tramatic event triggered the emotional affair. I believe my husband had an emotional affair with the one person who I dislike the most. She was a friend years ago and became reunited with her under bad circumstances. Although he denies it, the emails I found could be interpreted into believing he did. He was very close with his mother and she had just passed away from cancer. He could not control his grieving– got laid off, lost weight really fast, gambling and talking on the phone for hours in his car in the driveway. He said it was a old classmate he used to work out with. I finally confronted him with all the evidence and still denied it. After a couple more months, I finally kicked him out and told him to get his life straight. We went out on dates, talked everyday like we did when we first started dating. I did let him come back home and he has been better than he was before the affair. He tells me everything, work on finances together( he never used to help or follow a budget) and really tries to focus on me and the kids.
The bad thing is that because this woman was stalking us, I have had to live with the pain even now. I have to go to court to testify against her since she broke the restraining order. I have to keep living it. I asked him one more time if there is anything she can bring up at trial about a relationship and he says no and he is going to court with me for support. Although I can’t say that I trust him 100% or that I don’t wonder what happened last year, but I know I love him and have to believe that time will heal all wounds.



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Shirley

posted December 3, 2009 at 3:57 pm


I just don’t think it is right for anyone to be put their nose into his personal life. What goes on is between him and his wife it is not for anyone else… If it was any other person that is not famous it wouldn’t be an issue so just leave the Man and his family alone..



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Dude

posted December 3, 2009 at 4:25 pm


Man, that was manly as no ones freking bisness, the raw emotion and display of pain and the responsibility he takes for it. Brutal.Hes gota turn it over to God ot get anywhere with that i can understand what hes going thur but dide, well done i bet this saves someoes marridge someday.



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concerned

posted December 3, 2009 at 5:14 pm


I give up on trying to post with you. Too tedious.



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Just a bystander

posted December 3, 2009 at 5:30 pm


Tiger has been in the public eye and this is why his personal life has been brought out in public (unfortunately). It is just a medium where the consequences of your actions could be brought to light. The consequences of all our actions are brought to light maybe not in the newspaper but sooner or later it is done. His just happens to be in the media – being that “public” individual.



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Lillian Sapp

posted December 3, 2009 at 5:56 pm


Tiger Woods is just a man. Human and fleshy and rich! What we need to do is focus on the greater good he’s done and give little credence to his shortcomings. WE ALL HAVE THEM! ALL! His curse–man’s light is on him and makes him out to be some kind of god – he and others in his category. Let the man handle his business. Let’s be grateful for the good things he’s contributed and his major accomplishments…they must outweigh his frailties. Ummmmm, is the wife so innocent? If so, applaud her, if not–pray for her and leave them alone.



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Mary Frederick

posted December 3, 2009 at 6:30 pm


Thanks for sharing the letter from the gentleman who now has some real
concerns to deal with due to allowing himself to become emotionally
involved in a relationship with a co-worker.
Suggestion: Take your concerns to Lord and seek counseling from a
Christian counselor or a clergy man.
Good luck in your healing process!
As to Tiger not only does he need to do the same thing. Everyone needs
to back off allow him time to heal from what he called his sin.
God’s blessing on all who suffer from emotional distress.



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Your Name

posted December 3, 2009 at 6:53 pm


My husband was involved in an emotional affair. He and I are no longer together. He chose not to work on our marriage. He did not see that what he had done was cheating in any form. He felt that since he had not had sex with her, he didn’t cheat.
She too was married. After he left me, he found that she would not leave her husband. He is now out there alone. I feel for him. He had become so attached to her and found she really had not felt the same.
Our family was torn apart. Our children are hurt and angry.
Sharing intimacies with another person outside of the relationship is still cheating. When you share your thoughts and feelings with someone else without also sharing these things with your spouse, you are neglecting one relationship as you are nurturing another. When he was texting, emailing, and meeting each other whenever you can but not spending time with your current family…you are cheating.
Don’t do it. The pain that is caused on all parties involved, it is not worth it. It has been a year now but I still feel the pain so does the family and the children. So does he.



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zouk

posted December 3, 2009 at 7:35 pm


This is about the principle of honesty.Is it better to cheat in the game of sports or in your private life? Which is worse? We love to run away or ignore abusive acts against our family. No wonder we are never really happy. Those prententious holidays will not heal the wounds of the careless husband or wife who PRACTISE DIHONESTY. Adultry is a criminal offense. It can destroy lives permanently. Tiger Woods would have been EXCLUDED from golf if he had cheated in the game.Very few people would excuse his behaviour.But cheating in his personal life should be excused?Which one is most important?The human heart and mind are not always dependable.



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windyblue

posted December 3, 2009 at 8:36 pm


The joy’s of being in the public eye. His personal life, spread all over the newspapers, internet, TV and more. Everyone having a field day with this man’s problem. He is not the first man who cheated on his wife. He is a person first, than a husband, than a father, than a golfer. But so many people forget this.
I feel sorry for him. Its bad enough he lives in a fish bowl, but this.
I wonder how all the people who are reporting this would feel if someone did this to them. Having there personal life spread all over the news, internet and TV. all there problems, marriage, or otherwise.
I say one thing just pray for him. That all works out. because the one who will and is suffering in this is not only his wife, but his child.



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Not black and white

posted December 3, 2009 at 8:53 pm


Well, I am now going through Divorce..I had also been involved in an emotional affair. I am angry I let myself go there. Yet, I also knew that no matter how often I said I felt detached, “not in the marraige,” disconnected, neglected..nothing would change in my marraige. He never offerred or opened up his heart to me completely. Trying to dig a little deeper with him made him uncomfortable..Which in turn insulted me, pushed me away…and left me going to bed almost everynight alone in tears. Sometimes, a relationship does die! In other words, our time together apparantly served it’s purpose and it was time for us to move on and find our happiness elsewhere. Holding on and not letting go for comfort’s sake produced sufferring. I let him go…He was devastated..But, he deserves what he needs to feel loved and connected as do I. My point is, sometimes..this is a huge message to look at what is fundementally wrong with the relationship that this would even happen in the first place? Certainly this is not to blame one person over the other. It took TWO to have the relationship fall apart. I take full responsibilty for the poor decisions I’ve made. However, I will not regret following my heart to happiness..no matter what life lessons and challenges I endure along the way. I could’ve stayed for security’s sake..the house, the vacation, things and things etc. I also have a child to which I want him to see both his parents happy. Not in a cold,business-like, roomate, bitter atmosphere….
I pray people can keep focused on comassion, forgiveness and hea
ling with this…And I pray that the best outcome manifest for the many who are dealing with this in one way or the other…



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BETTY

posted December 4, 2009 at 11:53 am


You can try and fix it anyway you like, there is no excuse for adultry, no one make anyone do it, you have choices, and you decide to take the easy way out. You deserve what you get after the fact.



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The Other Side

posted December 4, 2009 at 12:22 pm


To: Anonymous
Thank you for your words. Yes, I’m hurting. I feel totally lost and alone. I can’t talk to my wife because, every time I try, she tells me that I’m trying to “punish” her. I have nobody to talk to. Pastor isn’t an option, I’ve tried a counselor, I tried confiding in a good friend. None of these have been any good. I would love to talk to your husband – and I wish my wife could talk to you. She seems content to just say “it’s over, let’s move on.” I’m having a very difficult time “just moving on”. BTW – she came to her own conclusions that I didn’t find her attractive or love her any more. She did this as she moved further and further away from me. Thanks again.



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MenHurtToo

posted December 4, 2009 at 12:45 pm


Your Name, our child graduated from college years ago. Her infidelity was years ago. The counselor’s suggestion that cheating was acceptable was years ago. She can leave anytime since my money and not hers paid for this place. I have no reason to forgive/forget. PTSD never allows you to forget. I was able to watch our child grow up, I didn’t have to pay a dime in support and I lived off her for years as I slowly got around to becoming someone who could hold a job. Now I do my best to keep us in the lower economic levels because infidelity should not be rewarded as society does with it. There is a price to pay for the damage done to others and it does take a lifetime to pay it.



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out in the cold trying to live in side

posted December 4, 2009 at 6:17 pm


I feel that people really needs to mind there own business. you cant be on the outside trying to see in ..you got to live there to really know what going on in there household..if everyone would tend to there own business and stay out of everyone else this would be a better (WORLD) I pray for this family. no one said life was going to be easy for none of us so come on (PEPOLE) please stay out of these people affair and let them heal the relationship..LET,S all do a better DEED and keep this (FAMILY) in ours (PRAYERS)



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Your Name

posted December 4, 2009 at 9:01 pm


I WILL PRAY FOR THIS FAMILY EVERY BODY HAVE PROBLEMS AT ONE TIME OR NOTHER ,,,SO I SAY TO THE PEOPLE THAT ARE HURTING LET GO AND LET GOD,,HAVE FAITH IN HIM HE CAN WORK IT OUT FOR YOU,,JUST BELEVE IN HIM,,AS YOU LIVE THERE WILL BE MORE,,



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Your Name

posted December 5, 2009 at 3:34 pm


I have been cheated on many times in all of my relationships and once cheated myself for revenge. When I first learned I had been deceived my heart felt like someone had stepped on my heart and crushed it. I think it would have hurt less if my spouse had died than to learn he had deceived me. Then I decided to be single and work on myself and heal. I have been constantly chased by married men & it is annoying and I have been sending them back to their wives after hearing their etty beefs. Marriage is a team effort and has to be desired by both parties. Forgiveness will heal a lot of marriages along with focussing on HOW to make it work. So many people loose respect for each other after they get married and take each other for granted. Couples need to consider what they are serving to each other on their platters for their marriage. Think about what you are serving your King/Queen. Try being nice to each other and create new happy memories together. Try joining Mort Fortel’s Marriage Fitness program. Since I’ve been sharing that with my friends they have been getting results. I have even been learning from it and I am still not married but am in a committed relationship that has great potential for marriage. Be fair to you mate, if it’s over, let it be over before you move on. Life is so much easier when you are free. No need to sneak around because you will be found out sooner or later. As Mort says,”It’s not about finding the right one, it’s about learning to love the one you found.”



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You're not alone

posted December 6, 2009 at 12:20 pm


I don’t know that I could put into words what this person did. I too am struggling with demons. I too feel guilt for the time I have taken away from my family and have given to this other person in my life. I too long for the fantasy of the life I could have with this other person. I too have no one to talk to because I have to keep this other life so secret. There are many reasons why I have fallen into this life of misery and there are many reasons why I should get out, but I struggle. I know what it’s like to have someone cheat on you because I was the innocent spouse in my first marriage. I was always sure that I would never do that to anyone. Never…say never. And to the “Man Healing From an Emotional Affair,” I wish you could help me. You seem to know exactly how I feel.



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Your Name

posted December 7, 2009 at 12:54 pm


Ever heard that old saying, ‘The grass is always greener on the other side’? It’s not…really. It’s just the way the sun reflects and once you get there you realize the ‘grass’ is often not what you expected. I struggled for years with my marriage. Duped by a liar with terrible rage I felt trapped, and because of my religious beliefs couldn’t get out of the marriage. Still…it was years before I had my first affair. I got nothing physical or emotional from my spouse so I let myself be pulled in to affairs. I was just so tired of begging for attention and getting nothing, absolutely nothing in return. I even punished myself by choosing someone that could not satisfy me sexually. I became the liar not only to my spouse but also to my lovers. There was no way out for me. I kept hoping that things would change and my spouse would suddenly ‘see’ me..I really did mean ’till death do us part’. I wanted the one I married, but it was so bad that I could look across a crowded room and know who would and who wouldn’t. It had to stop! I started to make myself try harder with my spouse. I had several heart to heart talks and suddenly after 23 years my spouse opened up to me. The first marriage had gone terribly wrong and fear had gripped my spouse to the point that I was not trusted or respected and failure was always in the back of ones mind. I learned things about my spouse that blew me away! I suddenly had a compassion and understanding that changed my mindset. Now I have been ‘straight’ for 5 years. We have a relationship that is growing and maturing…finally. I decided to spend the same amount of time with my spouse as I did ‘other’ parties. If I had a phone conversation with one I would call my spouse and and just say hello. Evenutally, the time we spent together meant something. Everything is not peachy and I am still tempted to go over to the other side of the fence, but I know every time I say ‘no’ to those longings I am winning something greater…my self respect. I hope this helps a little.



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Cleo

posted December 8, 2009 at 2:10 pm


I agree. That grass can look greener on the other side…or…if Tiger is like me, “came off the rails”…When I came off the rails I couldnt understand why I was going against my core belief structure with…almost a vengeance…I felt as if I was perceiving myself in 3rd person…coming apart at the seams…I prayed…but it wasnt the same…I was feeling disconnected from everything…I lost the trust in my relationship(recovering…), lost a job(have yet to recover) and lost my innocent nature(forgiveness is a funny thing when you it involves the “self”.
I found out once I became suicidal and was shipped off to a mental health facility that I had just had my first manic episode. Apparently the use of Ritalin for 3 months was the fuse for the TNT…, on the other hand, I don’t blame anyone. I look at it that God reminded me I need him 24/7…to be fully commmited…anyway…
I hate to say it…and I am not “wishful thinking”, but i have been told professionally that I share alot of the instincts that Tiger has…and…even my finacee states it is a little scary how he and I are similar…with that said…I wonder if this “coming off the rails event” is Tiger raging through up and down bouts with mania…I am a rapid cycler…and it seems I excel when I am flying at mach 3…
Just a thought…it makes me sad to recognize that this is unusual behavior out of this guy…maybe not…the similarities are a little to close…and hope he and God work things out so he can move on.



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Deb

posted December 10, 2009 at 5:06 am


Its a painful, painful, thing to start going off in the wrong direction like this. It consumes you. It eats you up. It hurts. God can heal it, but it takes awhile and you need to know that from now on you are vulnerable in this area and be very very cautious. If you are who I think you are. I understand. I need to be very cautious myself and get back “on the wagon”.



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Anonymous

posted December 10, 2009 at 8:31 pm


To The Other Side–
If you still love your wife, just be patient and don’t give up. Does she have any type of depression or bipolar disorder or anything like that? I have both and it was a struggle for quite some time. It sounds like my life story for the last year. I did the same thing to my husband. But he was patient and kept telling me that he loved me no matter what. He was there for me when I needed him and he always let me know that he was. I know that it is hard. I can’t imagine what my husband truly felt. I just know that it was a long process and I had to build that trust back up. It took a good 6-8 months for us to be truly healed from it. Every once in a while, Satan tries to bring us down with it again. But we are stronger than him in this area and everytime it comes up, we hand it back over to the Lord. If you would like my profile is under cncsmom, if you would like additional support. I know that it is difficult right now. But me and my husband can help you if you truly love your wife and want to make it work. Love and God Bless.



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Anonymous

posted December 10, 2009 at 9:10 pm


To the Other Side -
If you can’t find me doing a search on here, try a search on google. Select the one with the beliefnet address on it.



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Connie Lee Thorman

posted December 13, 2009 at 7:11 am


I just wonder…does he feel bad about this only because she didn’t seem to ‘need’ him anymore, and found comfort in another man? I know of this feeling, as I’m sure we all do..it’s just some who will admit it and some who will not admit it. If this woman didn’t meet up with her ex-boyfriend, they would surely still be in their ‘emotional affair’…it is common knowledge that when this woman found another ‘one’, a ‘new one’, to confide in, flirt with, and perhaps go even further that emotionally, she found it new and adventurous…he may have been the one who met up with an ex-girlfriend and it would have been his stepping back from he and the woman, and liking the new attention, new feeling, new/old feeling, and perhaps would take it further yet again, than he and the woman he started having emotional feelings for. What this means, and it is true for the majority of us, since we are all ‘humans’ no matter what we think (I am one of them who can easily fall into an emotional ‘so-called’ affair, for lack of a different word that doesn’t sound simply ‘sexual’, and further, should that come into play with emotional feelings first, and the woman he emotionally flirted with isn’t what he saw just before meeting up with the ‘ex-girlfriend’. The sad part is that this kind of thing is not uncommon in the least and the question is this…Do we feel weak around some people, and for some reason, not around certain others?, therefore leaving us to feel comfortable with (no emotional flirty feelings) those we haven’t any “chemistry” with, in turn leading us to believe that we are able to stay faithful in our marriage?, and only with (and we never will know who the ‘emotional flirty’ feelings are going to be for when simply standing next to them say..at a bus stop, in line at the store, etc.) that feeling with several such types of influences will be step out of our ‘faithful’ marriage? It is what it is, and sorry humans…we can’t change our species-type so just ‘hope’ that this doesn’t happen to you because it is a horrible feeling to be a married person and next thing you know, your ‘emotional girl/boy friend breaks up with you…that’s a slap in the face so it looks like everyone is slapping faces in this circle, some just don’t know their being slapped…Here is the only way to avoid ‘getting your feelings involved so closely with another forbidden fruit, so to speak’…don’t go anywhere, wear blinders when in the presence of others, by all means make sure you wear a nose plug so you don’t experience the aroma of someone’s cologne/perfume, since that is a species-type emotional/sexual trigger, and by all means, don’t flap your lip or get flapped at by a lip as that is a species-type trigger as well. However, if you don’t shower for a week or so, you may never smell another scent of somebody else near you…it won’t happen, and you’ll be priviledged to sense the flap of any lip unless it’s at long-range and you won’t understand it anyway, therefore no threat is posed. There you have it. I hope this comment is read by quite a lot of people because once knowing the reality of bits and pieces of our inner selves, can we honestly put forth effort in ‘remembering’ what we learn and when the triggers stop in our path, and we can think for a minute, to potentially avoid any sort of interruption in your natural-happy life, and you feel it necessary within your own chemistry to be alerted in advance..(it’s individual so we all know and feel that ‘moment’ when it’s there) then by all means let the ‘human’ in you ingest what could be the end of your happiness as you know it, and turn into a feeling of hurt that you never felt, then you find out that you should never have a feeling like that, as a married man/woman and that’s why it hurts that much…because it is very unnatural and God didn’t give us healing ability for that emotional burden…Here you have it..We are only fortunate if we were BORN with the proper amount of strength and just the proper ingredience it takes to ‘know’ when you are ‘in love’ and completely commited….truly ‘in love’, not just ‘in love’, with your mate, puppy love, what you think is ‘love’, well that’s what everyone calls it and you traditionally don’t know any better, then those of us who have trouble with this type of behavior is exactly like alcohol and drug addicts, almost exactly…there is a high with alc/drugs/feelings..the biggest difference is the high that come from ‘feelings’..feelings are natural, it’s how we differientate each feeling, emotional, physical, etc., that result in the outcome. If fortunate enough to have ‘no worries’ with this type of feeling, your just that…very fortunate. ‘Feelings’, ‘alcohol’, ‘drugs’, begin the same way..innocent like would think, but once you feel ‘bad’, and know there’s something wrong with the ‘feeling’ you are having, addiction already set in, and it takes ‘God’, and you, to get back to square one…and only God, coupled with yourself, will you be whole again. So, to the initial message writer, this is, as-mentioned, identical to that of an alcoholic and drug addict; there is something about all three of these cycles, the beginning period where it is thought to be ‘a good feeling’, ‘exciting’, ‘fun’, even’ and by the time the second stage creeps up, which is a matter of a millisecond as it seems, addiction is part of your daily life. After that millisecond, you will find that you are doing something you know is morally wrong and it’s time for God-help.
Please let me know some of your thoughts…i’m interested to see if anyone understands this reasoning regarding the issue of infidelity.
Thanks!!
Sincerely,
Connie Lee Thorman
cthormanmt@hotmail.com



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Geri

posted December 18, 2009 at 10:54 am


It is unusual for a man to bare the soul as this man has. My now-former husband had a series of emotional affairs that created tremendous distress and pain for me – most of them worked for him. He did not see anything wrong with that, and looking back, I remember a conversation with his father – on only one occasion – asking if I ever felt jealous of my husband in the manner that his wife/’him’s mother did of Daddy. Two sets of eyes were intently focused on my face as I summoned up words to the effect of, “I know a lot of women are attracted to “him” but I just remember that I’m the one he chose.” Choking down the words to try to smooth the waters, I later realized where “him” got the notion that it is okay to flirt past that point of being loyal. That pain killed the spark in a slow, silent death when I felt I no longer was the source of his pleasure.
It is easy to find that which we are missing in our spouse in someone else. The sense of being a separate entity is easy as well. It is the wise person who is aware of that and does not leave the spouse behind while exploring



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Geri

posted December 18, 2009 at 11:14 am


If anyone on the publishing end of this site reads comments, It is most difficult for me to post here between the difficulty of reading the text in the box and having my cursor go anywhere NEAR one of the ads that then pops me into a different screen and I lose what I have written. I had to post 3x before it all came together. I will likely unsubscribe from the daily emails as this is creating stress, when I come here to relax and share.
I posted once, had to refresh the codes and lost my next posts.



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Anonymous

posted December 22, 2009 at 2:54 pm


I have read many comments on men who cheat, women who cheat why they cheat etc. I have found confessions in varying degrees from “cheaters” and the men and women they “cheat” with. Most of the material involves married men who cheat with single and married women. and the victim is always the “loving wife”. This world is way too small to think that after all that cheating that the “loving wife” isn’t or wasn’t someones cheating partner at one time or another. What goes around will come back around, and around, and around again. But what is interesting is that the man always bears the blame–no matter what.
Who am I –I am a woman who decided to be honest instead of perfect. I decided that the mash up was not going away and like David my transgressions would always be with me. If we would just get back to basics. What do I mean? The Bible says “In all thy ways acknowledge Him (GOD) and He will direct thy path” say lean not to your own understanding. Consider this for a moment. You purchase a new item that needs to be put together. In the package there are directions for assembly and in clear bold print it says “BEFORE YOU BEGIN READ THE DIRECTIONS”. Yet time and time again we cast the directions in the corner and begin putting our brand new item together only to discover we have done it incorrectly, it has taken longer to assemble than if we had read the directions in the first place and in some cases there were missing parts. The manufacturer/creator included directions because He understood the intent/purpose/function of his creation. If you want it to work correctly follow the manufacturer’s directions. As humans we always seem to call on the creator or blame the creator after we make a mess and can’t figure out what to do next. What do I mean –we do not ask GOD (let alone give Him time) to send the right mate for us. We hook ourselves up based upon our own flawed feelings and understanding and then when its a mess try to find solace in the wisdom or experiences of other human beings (who are also flawed and imperfect). Obviously there is so much that we have to learn while we are here on earth –one thing is certain and that is that the word of GOD is true and his directions are clear for every specific reason that we can imagine including the topic of this blog.
I speak with authority because I have been there and done that all the way around the Mulberry bush and I take responsibility for my actions. It has been acknowledged by “relationship specialists” that men and women are wired differently. They process events and understand or perceive things very differently. The only one who knows the hearts of men or women is GOD –it is my deepest conviction that if we seek his guidance for our lives we can avoid the heartache and pain that many of our relationships today end up as. Did I suddenly get religious –no not by a long shot. Religions ebb and flow over the seas of time but GOD’s word stands true and when I began to read for myself and seek Him for understanding is when my values and perspective outlook became hopeful.
Further, lets teach our young men and women to seek GOD’s will for their lives so that they can live life abundantly. So that they dont have to endure the aftermaths of cheating and cheaters whether it is emotional or physical etc. Let’s stop blaming each other because this is a much bigger conspiracy on a deeper spiritual level. Thank you all for allowing me to share–prayerfully you have found this helpful and that in 2010 we will collectively see the need to ask GOD to heal our hearts, our families and our land.



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eileen

posted December 27, 2009 at 12:04 am


Billy, don’t be a hero come back to me.



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Wthdove

posted January 24, 2010 at 12:51 pm


Anonymous, Thank you, I couldn’t have said it better myself. There is a reason why God said ‘seek ye first the kingdom of God’ If more people, including myself, would seek him and not leave things upto their own understanding, there would be less violence, divorce and heartache in this world. I pray for everyone to seek God first in all that you do.



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Daniel

posted February 9, 2010 at 3:14 pm


I too was the victim of an affair. I understand everything you have written and the pain was beyond bearable. My thoughts of her continued day and night. I know how it feels to ask is my wife having an affair. I lived with it for over two years. Thank you for your post and I realized that it truly began with me and my selfishness. I was not filling up her love tank because I was too consumed with my own little world.



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Martez

posted February 22, 2010 at 4:51 pm


I also understand the pain of an affair, but I also can see the hand of God working through affairs. My wife and I both had affairs and we were both dedicated christian believers. The spirit of the Lord shared with me as my wife and I were on our journey of healing that an affair is the greatest test of love in a relationship. I am not stating that I believe everyone has to go through an affair, but I am stating as the bible states, that all things work together for the good to them who are the called and purposed of God. If my wife would not have had an affair I am sure, we would have gotten a divorce. The affair made us both aware of emotional and mental things that were missing in our marriage. It was also my wife’s affair that caused me to pursue a professional certification as a marriage and relationship coach. Yes, I know first hand that affairs are painful but I also know first hand that the power to forgive rest upon each individual. God let me know that He wanted me to forgive my wife just as He forgives me. I have a different perspective on affairs, emotional or physical. I believe affairs come to teach us about some of the weaknesses within ourselves. For me the affair blessed my marriage, but I am married to my soul mate or destiny partner. I do not believe that affairs come to destroy marriages, I believe they come to test marriages. With this being said this is why I believe it is so important to educate ourselves and others on how to be prepared for the test because the test of your relationship is coming. As for me and my wife if we had been educated on the signs of an affair, or how to diagnose if you are falling into an affair. We would have been able to avoid that emotional tragedy in our lives. Please remember this if you are married to your soul mate or destiny partner and you are facing infidelity; be careful what you curse because your curse could be your blessing. I talk about this in my book, because this is what the spirit of the Lord spoke to me.



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Justin B

posted April 9, 2010 at 12:26 pm


He should have used an app for his phone to hide his contacts and calls, something like bbCalc for the iPhone!



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Stephen

posted August 15, 2010 at 11:30 am


Really Great……….



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richmond sports medicine

posted August 16, 2010 at 6:08 pm


WOW! Very well put. It has been years, but I remember these feelings so well when I myself was involved, first emotionally, then on yet another plane. I hope your message gets through to the intended audience. Thanks for sharing your story, and I pray for healing for you and your family.
Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/12/a-letter-by-a-reader-healing-f_comments.html#ixzz0woF02hcV



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richmond sports medicine

posted August 16, 2010 at 6:10 pm


WOW! Very well put. It has been years, but I remember these feelings so well when I myself was involved, first emotionally, then on yet another plane. I hope your message gets through to the intended audience. Thanks for sharing your story, and I pray for healing for you and your family.
http://aocortho.com



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Phil Tinnitus Guy

posted August 30, 2010 at 1:46 pm


Phil Tinnitus here and dude, I have been somewhat in your situation before, minus the children part. All I can say is it gets easier with time. Time will heal all but you must make sure you actively work on reconnecting with your wife. You’ll have to constantly remind yourself about what you love about her. Recommend to her to go to both speak to visit a love therapist to work on the two of you. Take a vacation just the two of you, and work on reconnecting.



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