Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

A Tiny Glimpse Inside a Neurotic Head

This post is dedicated to my editor, Holly, who tells me to write from where I am, not where I want to be.


It seems as though whenever I do that–write from where I am–you guys appreciate the honesty because either you are being pulled to the big Black Hole of Depression yourself or maybe it helps to know that other people who work and raise kids and look normal are so very fragile if you take a closer look.

Here’s a glimpse inside my neurotic head yesterday.


7:00 a.m. Explained to my husband that for the last eight weeks I have off and on been fighting the death thoughts–that I want so badly to be on the other side–from the first moment I get up. Sometimes they continue throughout my day no matter what I do … during my runs, at work, and especially when I’m with the kids. He looks confused because he has only seen me cry a few times. I tell him that’s because I’m much better at acting than I was four years ago, when I had my mega-breakdown. In fact, I can smile and want to die at the same time. I can fool practically anyone into thinking that my brain is filled with normal thoughts … if the kids are done with their homework, if soccer practice is today, and if one or both wear their gym uniforms tomorrow … all the while I’m praying to God to take me. “Please, take me! I promise I’ll do a good job from heaven,” I say. “I will be like St. Therese and send everyone roses.” I further confess to my husband that I don’t want to burden him. He is already stressed out with the kids. The last thing I want to do is make his load heavier.


10:00 a.m. A half-hour reprieve from the death thoughts after running seven miles. This is by far the best time of my day, the hour after I exercise. And this is why I am addicted to my workouts. Sometimes I don’t think about death once because of the mood boost from getting my heart rate up. If only it could stay throughout the day.

1:00 p.m. I take the kids to a pumpkin patch. They pick out two humongous pumpkins and paint them and I’m thinking to myself, “This is a happy moment. Enjoy it.” But as soon as I try, I hear all the voices listing all the reasons why I am so pathetic. I attempt to untwist and adjust the cognitive distortions. I take on one distortion at time. I try to “examine the evidence.” I come up with reasons to prove the contrary. Then I try mindfulness. “This thought is not a fact. The thought doesn’t mean anything. It’s not permanent. Let it go. It is transient.” I take one moment at a time. “Don’t worry about anything but this moment,” I tell myself. But the nausea comes back when I start believing all the reasons why I am so pathetic, why I can’t take the kids to the pumpkin patch without thinking about death and wanting it to be over, why I can’t enjoy this bloody moment. I start yelling to God, “Get me out of this head! Take this head off of me like David does to Katherine’s Barbies! Get me a different one.” I tear up, almost crying.


But then I spot a fellow mom and know I have to pull it together. I can’t unravel. She is a cardiologist, she is successful, she is in shape, and she is taking the day off to be with her twin daughters. She is the picture of how I want to appear to people. She asks me how I am and I say “good, really good,” and she believes me. I almost believe me. But then I think about the pumpkin patch four years ago, when I boarded the tractor with my kids for a hayride and couldn’t stop thinking about the hay … if pieced together it would be strong enough … like rope.

I’m not there, I argue with myself. I’m not that bad again.

It only feels like it, I tell myself. I have made considerable progress since those days.


Or have I?

God, it all feels the same. I don’t think I feel a god damn difference in this moment.

I almost start to cry, but I am able to hold it back. Concentrate on your kids. Just concentrate. All you have to do is this moment right before. Concentrate on this moment.

And so I do. I concentrate on the moment before me.

Until I can shut my eyes and stop trying so hard.

Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue and click here to follow Therese on Twitter and click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.

  • Your Name

    Dear Therese,
    Now just stop it! Stop looking inside my head and channeling my thoughts! Enough already!!
    Seriously, Teets, all I can do is hold your hand across the void of the Internet. You are not alone. Now, you take hold of my hand and tell me that I am not alone…
    Thank you,

  • Nora

    A great reminder to all of us who love someone with mental illness to beef up our support during these graying days–lend a hand, don’t assume, offer comfort, pay attention–autumn aches and winter’s worse for those who suffer. Thanks for baring your brain Therese, its courageous and helpful and from someone who is often called upon to explain my husband’s illness to people who just don’t get it, it’s great to have a little support out there.

  • Martha

    It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one with the “death thoughts.” My current favorite is before I fall asleep at night, I think, “I really don’t want to wake up in the morning.” Thanks for sharing this – you make me feel less alone in my grief and depression and I feel lucky to have found your blog.

  • Barbara Bowman

    As I read this, Therese, all I could think was that I wish I could just hold you; hold you till this passes. That is all anyone close to you can do. It is tortuous to be on the outside and know that nothing anyone can do will help. You do need to speak to your doc and let him tell you the ways you have changed – that you are not the same person you were a few years back. I needed that reminder myself last week. Even if you don’t believe it, you will have heard and stored it somewhere inside.
    Therese, you are a courageous person, and rather than beating yourself up for your shortcomings as though they are so much greater than anyone else’s (false!), you have to know that you are amazing – even if you don’t feel it or believe it. Somewhere deep inside, you know that – even if you cannot access it now. How many other people could do what you have done – especially in the last year.

  • Lori

    I stumbled upon this by accident and thought you were telling my story. I go through this on and off even while I’m on antidepressants. I went through it while my chldren were young. Now they are teenagers and I look at how big they have grown and how bad I felt then, and how much I missed of their “life” while I was consumed with how to get through each activity. I grieve for their childhood because I feel I missed alot of it while I was in my cloud. No-one understands but then again, I don’t tell anyone. My husband, thank god, knows and comforts me. God bless you.

  • Portia

    Wow! That’s some heavy stuff! But so amazing how you captured in words, the intense dread we feel inside, while trying to cover up in front of others — so on the nose, yet so heartbreaking at the same time. As the mother of two young children, I know exactly what it feels like to have “death thoughts,” while simultaneously hearing about the antics of Sponge Bob, and having to laugh at the appropriate moments. Hang in there, Therese. I hope you feel better soon.

  • Anya

    Therese, hang in there! This will pass! Hey, may be that mom of twins struggles with some mental illness herself, you know how appearances are deceiving. When I am between relapses, I am bubbly and cheerful, nobody would think I suffer from depression. I bet if we met at that pumpkin patch we’d be looking at each other thinking “why can’t I be more like her?”. :o)
    You are not going back to the dark hole, it’s just a small step backwards, you’ll get through this!

  • Kevin Keough

    My heart aches for you.
    They say we teach/yap about what we most need to learn…that said…
    A few things:
    1) Tis the season–maybe we get you the giant ‘happy lites’. They have some you can use before you get out of bed; just need to have face the light-eyes can be closed. Makes it easier to get out of bed. I sit in front of the lights sometimes 3-4 hours a day—working and go into time warp. You’d need to consult with your doctor re increasing time.
    2) Find other “ex-suicides” to introduce dark humor on such days.
    3)My response is same as Barbara’s. Somehow, I sense you have more than tears to shed–more like uncontrollable sobbing with whomever you feel most comfortable. Until you convince me otherwise I assume you are too stoic, get caught up in “But, I should be better now….” and worse, and don’t allow yourself to be held or just touched as you sob (I am too big to hold—-and I hate doing it).
    4) Therese, the little birds tell me you are clueless re how much stress goes along with being a Mom, wife, daughter, friend, public figure, etc. You assume something is wrong when it all gets to be too much. You can’t take a tumble because it would disrupt the entire northern hemisphere…not to mention it would be a sign of weakness and just being a big baby. It seems like you have your life well-organized in every area. Even if true, there is too much pressure. Seems like something won’t let you rest……..hell, I’m be sobbing if I had to manage everything you do (and Eric would not have the night before trash goes out to look forward to).
    5)I forget whether you have a touch of OCD though I’m guessing you do. Wonder how that plays out with the frenetic thinking.
    6) You live close enough to DC that the status virus floats around and gets you some time.
    7)Knowing you have all the other angles covered I pray this for you:
    While it takes time we can practice so we get to the point we have periods of “no thought” and longer and longer times when we don’t get hooked by any thoughts. Meditation of some sort—moving or sitting or standing……..cultivation of stillness and peace is your God given right. Repeat: It is a God-given right to cultivate and take refuge in a still and peaceful mind. Seems to be when we have made it possible for the Holy Spirit to visit for a bit we feel that something that comes and passes through us. And the visits become longer. Yeah, all just words-useless words right now. I’d tell me to zip it. You aren’t here so I can’t just listen. And I am a man so I have to offer ‘tips’ solutions’, ‘answers’.
    It’s the thought that counts. I’ve not written anything you don’t know. Please give some thought to the ‘mind stillness’—really it is ‘soul stillness’
    “Still the discourse that rattles your soul”

  • Dianne

    God bless you, Therese. You are doing an awesome job.

  • Dianne

    God bless you, Therese. You are doing an awesome job.

  • dr aletta

    Kevin is wonderful. I agree with everything he says. I will only add call me…please. I know, I can be very bossy, forgive me, then call me.

  • brad

    I have come to learn that the only thing to do in these “dark places” is to try and turn off our minds and not try to think our way out of it, as “we cant use our fu##ed up minds to heal our fu##ep minds”. Our minds are too damaged and distorted and we cant think our way out of our holes. I dont have the answers, but I try to turn off my mind and not think. This minimizes the damage and the self-destructive thoughts. My goal becomes to get through the day. I try and do things if I can (exercise and gardening is wonderful), but not think.

  • Gen

    Thank you, Therese, for once again sharing your struggle with us. As much as I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, it does help to know that I’m not the only one – that there are others out there who know exactly what I’m going through. My thoughts are with you.

  • Angela

    I’ve personally dealt with anxiety, depression and ocd my whole life and I have found some things that work. I take 5-htp (especially 3-200mg time release tablets from natrol) which produce serotonin-a happiness hormone. DLPA (dl-phenylalanine) which is the natural and synthetic forms of phenylalanine which precurses dopamine and norepinephrine (both other happiness hormones) and L-tyrosine which also produces both dopamine and norepinephrine. You cannot take them with dr’s type antidepressants or risk overdose but they do balance your happiness chemicals and I’ve seen results in me within a day when dr’s drugs would do nothing for me.

  • Your Name

    I truly feel for you. Please try to flick the negative thoughts out of your mind. I take my finger to my head and flick like I would a paper triangle football and imagine myself letting go of the thoughts and try to replace them with something positive. You are doing good by getting out and running. When you get out and do stuff it changes everything. When you are cooped up inside it gives the devil idle time to take over. So the busier you stay the better. Alot of this is more chemical, in my opinion. I have been where you are and medicine has helped along with the willpower to replace and flick out the bad thoughts. What also helps me is when I think about people who have it worse. In your case I am worse. I have a compromised immune system so it is a full time job to try to keep from getting sick and have energy. Stress and aggrevating people take me down. I have no family to help me, no husband, boyfriend, or significant other. I have my dog and G-d and that’s all. The angels and spirits that guide me and are with me with messages that keep me going are probably figments of my imagination. I always feel just a step from being homeless. So at least you have a home, friends, a husband, someone to take care of you and money. I struggle with all those plus the will to keep going.
    Be grateful.

  • Candice

    I have had the same problem for over 15 years on and off. Noone could believe that I had death thoughts. I didn’t seem the type. I didn’t mope around. Little did they know that every moment every activity was like pushing a boulder uphill. Then it occured to me one day that though I’ve thought about it even planned it once, but never attempted, that meant that there WAS something I was living for. Everyday I’m getting closer to the other side. Just remember this too is part of Gods plan no matter how unfair it seems. There would be no light without darkness. This is just a test, a HARD test, but a test none the less and everyday I get through is a point on my side.

  • Kerri

    Your honesty and unselfishness in sharing such intimate details of your disease never fails to amaze me. I believe you must be one of the bravest women in the world. I am praying for you – you touch my heart and what you give to the people who read your blog and watch your videos is unlike anything I’ve ever known before. I am constantly searching for motivation and for ways to lift my spirits and get myself thru the bad times. And I don’t think there are words enough to thank you for what you give to utter strangers every single day. You’re a blessing to all of us.

  • Your Name

    I am so sorry for you and for any others that are suffering similarly. I have been there and luckily SSRI’s and a great doctor have kept me from going back there.
    I wish I could wave a magic wand to take away your suffering, but in the meantime I am holding you in the light.

  • JBird

    I read your post, and I’m just so stunned and elated to know that there are WORDS for those feelings! It makes me so happy to know I’m not alone, you and I are SO much alike (minus the 7-miles a day thing, kudos to you for that). I sent this to my husband who struggles to understand my illness. There is NO logic to those feelings and overwhelming emotions, and if we DO verbalize them, we subject oursleves to loads of criticism (i.e you’re feeling sorry for yourself, quit with the self-pity, suck it up, grow some thick skin, think of how much worse you could have it, etc)…. the cliche statements that minimalize the severity of this neuroticism. Thank you SO much for spaking out, for being truthful. I will say this – if you haven’t considered anti-depressants, they could really help you tremendously. They’ve helped me considerably, although it’s always a struggle in my life. It’s the cross I bear, one that has graced me with a strange outlook on life, and thankfully, most people believe a humourous one :).
    Best of luck and prayers to you – keep posting….

  • Jeanne

    I can’t thank you enough for telling your truth. I know it doesn’t change your thoughts and your days, but having someone articulate exactly how I think and feel from the minute I wake up, at least lets me know I’m not alone and maybe it will get better. I love my son and so want him to see me happy and productive again.
    Hope today has more good thoughts for you. Sending support and loving thoughts.

  • Your Name

    I always have known there were other people just like me out there. I have two kids and their’s lives is messed up because of my depression. I’m in the churh now and just pray that god will make my kids life ok . My yonger son have mental issues I’m trying to deal with that and my on. Very very hard. Terese all i can say is look to god where your help comes from. take care

  • Your Name

    Thank you for your honesty and sharing your journey with all of us. You are helping so many of us who have loved ones with depression and/or suffer ourselves from depression. We need your honesty and your words. Know that you are a blessing to not only your family and friends, but to those of us who read your words. I hope we can provide you with some comfort and joy by letting you know that you are loved and appreciated.

  • John

    Your words so accurately describe how I have felt for a long long time. I have tried MANY medications without getting much relief and along the way I thought I even had caused my brain to waste away with the drugs.
    It is early to conclude that I found “the” fix but right now I am celebrating my experience during past 2 1/2 weeks with Pristiq. You may wish to speak to your MD about it and give it a try. The first 10 days were painfull physically but I am extremely grateful for how I feel now. Please feel free to contact me if you would like.
    My best to you.

  • Your Name

    When times get rougher and worst,we don’t want to blame anyone,as much as possible.My life’s good and bad experiences finally met me with my self realization that i haven’t proven myself hard enough to bit all my troubles,when i have come to analyze my life,my ups and down,i made myself competition of how much strength i have to put all these troubles away,i avoid blaming anyone,all i need to do is to run the race hard enough,where there are people cheering for me,and cover the negative thoughts into positivity,it’s the only way to turn around our bad situation,we need to look straight forward and win the race of our lives,trusting and believing that no matter what,we have done our very best,for faith,hope and love’s sake,for the sake of projecting God’s strength be manifested in us.When God with us,who could be against us,we don’t need much prescription meds,we let God take control of our destiny.

  • cindy

    Just remember your value/worth to others. If only my fiance knew what other people thought about him and how much they needed and miss him…I do not think he would have ended his life.

  • dawn

    i value your honesty. it is very helpful to know that others share the same experiences. it helps knowing that i am not crazy and it isn’t all made up in my head. thanks.

  • Ileana

    Im so lucky to have you in my life, yes my dear. You have no idea how many times reading what you share with us with so much honesty has helped me to get through the day. I dont have suicidal thoughts but i pray almost everyday for God to take my life, to get me out of this world. I know i hurted my sons so much, they couldnt understand and by that time i wasnt able to explain it to them, so many medications i cant even remember what happened when my first grandson born, my body was there but my mind was lost. God bless you Therese, never give up, we need you

  • Your Name

    Ithink I was led here today… Sister number 2 called to try to talk me into going to talk to someone. We lost our Mom last December 11th and while I thought this was all just the mourning process I have been going through they seem to think it is not. I have been thinking alot and I think that I have been depressed all of my life, or at least fighting it. I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I wonder if that still affects me or if that was what was at the root of my Dad’s drinking. I take Lexapro but did not want to increase my med for a lot of reasons… I don’t want to cover up what I am feeling and think if I do it will just come back another day.. I need to deal with this huge whole in my heart. My Mom died in her sleep which I know was a blessing but I cant get that picture out of my head of when we found her.. there are so many things I want to say to her. We were very close and I called her everyday. I saw her at the least every Sunday when I would have her over for dinner. I just can’t believe she is gone. The pain just consumes me. I have a very blessed life, a wonderful husband, 3 great kids, 3 great in laws, 7 wonderful grandchildren who are healthy and good and my sunshine. I had my Mom till I was 55 and she was 84. I am so blessed to have had her that long and that she did not suffer like my Dad who died from ALS. I have been so depressed I have gained like 60 pounds and I am already morbidly obesed. I have no interest in anything in my life except for my family. I have stopped going out…. and the tears just come from no where…. I guess I am looking for a hand to hold…someone to tell me if this is normal mourning or if I have sunk back into the abyss….I don’t want to feel like this…but I can’t get past the pain. I want my Mom back I miss her so badly

  • Your Name

    Dear Thearse,
    I am so sorry that you continue to contend with the suicidal thoughts. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world. But, there is hope! The only answer that I can offer for hope is simple trust in Jesus Christ, the Messiah and God’s Only Begotten Son. HE is so amazing I tell you! Yes, HE is so REAL!!! Earthly words can not describe who He really is! He is indescrible!!! He is the only one I know who can truly change our thought life and our entire spiritual being. Yes, medications can definitely help with depression, but know that Jesus is the true answer to everything that we encounter on this earth.
    Have you ever read in the Holy Bible about the woman who was sick for 12 years with an illness? This woman spent a lot of money going to doctors to be healed of her disease. But, when she met Jesus, something amazing took place in her life! Take a few minutes to read the book of Mark 5:21-43. I would like to know your thoughts after you have read the passage:)
    Peace and Blessings to YOU!

  • Sue

    Like you I seem so “normal” to others. I crack jokes-I have quite the giggle. It’s the empty spaces in between concentrating on something else that the death thoughts come. With medication, I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for a very long time–but the “wouldn’t it be nice if I were dead” thoughts still come. My worst depressions are like clockwork. Springtime. March. April… I’m in my mid 40s now and when I was half my age, I never thought I would make it this far. I too wish to die a natural death at the end of my life, somehow… and I have found that God, and faith, and prayer are important in my life–but they are not a cure. So I understand. And I appreciate your blog and I will be praying that you find relief and continue to share your journey with us for a very long time.

  • Julia

    You are not alone. I can relate with all of the above. I have a very close relationship with Jesus. So many times in my life, there have been a single set of footprints in the sand – for He has carried me – and is carrying me now.
    Sometimes the best things we can know, is that we are not alone. There are highs and lows. The above song is so beautiful, I found it last night.
    I lost the best friend I have ever known on Christmas morning. He would have been 52 this Halloween. We were friends for over 20 years.
    I’ve been losing my Mom for many years – to Alzheimer’s. Such a horrible disease. I used to talk to her at least once a week, but haven’t been able to have a conversation with her for about 4 years now. She knows she has a daughter, although once a couple weeks ago she forgot, but she doesn’t know my name, and hasn’t for about 2 years now.
    I will life you up in prayer, Therese, and all those you touch with this page and all your other links. Thank you for sharing – and know, you are not alone.

  • shawn

    I dont even know how to begin. I opened this email today after deleting it every other day. Today is not a good day.I have battled depression for many years. I have no health ins. to get meds so i Just Deal. My family just thinks im crazy, they dont know how often i think of death. I dont want to take my own life but seems life every five min death is in my mind. Maybe i am crazy. life has been hard. I just want to be better. My oldest daughter comes in the house and she is so bright and “bouncey” i wish so bad i could be like her. I sit and wonder when will it end, is this all there is? this is my life? What have i done wrong to deserve this? Atleast give me someone to understand me.

  • Nancy

    Therese, I once had my psychiatrist ask me why I was laughing and smiling as I tried to tell him of my persistent suicidal thoughts…and I told him it was to help me not fall apart!!! At times, I think it would be so good to just fall apart in front of someone who only ever sees the smile and assumes it means we are doing well. I think people who suffer from depression become quite good at “acting” for the public. That’s me, anyway. But thank God, literally, that I have my husband to talk to, in the realtime me. He sees my pain beyond the act. I do wish I could just pop my head off like Barbie can, and try with a new head…very good example. I’m getting a bit better at admitting my darkness to others that I trust. I only have a few of those kinds of friends, but I think it’s really important to stay honest with them despite the outward appearance. Right now, I’ve been up and down. I’m working hard to stay up—but sometimes, it’s so fake that it wears me out totally.

  • Christa

    I appreciate your honesty and I feel your pain; perhaps for the same reasons, perhaps for very different reasons. But I know it and I feel it.
    Good luck with your struggle, because I know it can be one, each and every day, no matter how seemingly good others may think you have it together.
    Take care,

  • Paula

    I can so relate to the woman who is mourning the loss of her mother. In one 12 month period I divorced my husband of 14 years – sold my house – my 81 year old father passed away very suddenly – bought a new house & moved – lost my job – and then my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s been 1 1/2 years since most of this happened, but I am still dealing with depression on a daily basis. I am raising my 2 teenage boys and now worry that they will remember me as never being happy. This is exactly how I view my mom’s life…that she has been unhappy most of her 83 years. And as much as I love my boys, and know that their father would never be able to raise them, I do quite often find myself wishing I could just die. The anti-depressants help, but not enough. It is good to know that there are other people like me out there. I pray to God for help….but life just goes on and on.

  • Sandra Jo Trentz

    Like you I’ve become a great actress. Until I was diagnosed with chronic depression I had “knew” hat I was deranged because I didn’t experience the world as others did, and did not respond as others do. There is an imaginary closet full of emotional costumes to fit the “play of the day.” And another one full of fool proof suicide plans. Lots of counselling, lots of anti-depressants, lots of tears, but still….. After seeing the movie, “What Dreams May Come,” I promised myself that just in case it was true, I wouldn’t use any of the plans. An inescapable eternity of what I live with in the depths of depression can’t be chanced. But, sometimes, like today, I miss the promise of an escape that suicide offers. Thanks so much for not letting me feel so alone.

  • Valerie Hutchins

    Whenever you have suicidal thoughts remember it is a sin to take a life. Whether it is your own or someone elses. Remember also with prayer and faith the darkness will lift.
    Our time on earth is temporary, every situation we experience (good or bad) will pass. I have lost many members of my family over the past 5 years. Though I miss their physical presence, I take comfort in the fact that when Jesus is ready for me I will meet with them again in a better place.
    Until then, I will try to make the most of my time here.

  • Kathy

    Therese, I am really thinking about you…I have had depression in the family for many years and most people do not understand what depression is all about. I also lost a brother that I was very close to in Aug. of 2007-latley, I have missed him so much. But…I think, we are all made stronger for what we go through, as much as we don’t want to….you either give up the flag or you continue to carry the flag for whatever it’s worth. I don’t think anyone has the answers to all the questions, but I do beleive in a God that does have our answers…does that help me in my time of grief when I miss my brother…not really, because I really want some answers now. But I also realize that human nature wants things right this minute but I also know that the wait is worth the answer. I am thinking of you, know that you are not alone and you are a very important person to so many of us….Never give up hope-your blessing is yet to be on earth…Love, KJ

  • Mary Foster

    I agree with all the stories have read today about depression. The difference I have is that I do not wish to die just yet. In July of 2006, I was working and received a phone call from my step-sister telling me my mother was dead and had killed herself. I went into a state of shock. I drove to Oklahoma where my mother lived with my step-father. The coroner had already taken my mother away for autospy. My step-father told my youngest half sister that this was suppose to be a double sucicide but my mother beat him to it. He swears that he did not hear the gun shot. After the funeral (by the way we had to have a closed casket due to all the things cut on when the autospy was performed), I started drinking day and night. I quit my job in Nov 2006 and continued to drink until July 2008. I ended up in the hospital almost dying myself. I was diagnosed with cirrhosis. They told me if I did not quit drinking I would die within the next fee months. I have been sober for 15 months. I am on 2 different anti-depressants, I feel they do not work, I am also seeing a therapist. These things are really not working. I have not had a good day since my mother’s death. I don’t think I every will. Oh by the way my mother did not commit sucicide, my step-father killed her but no charges brought against him. He died 6 mos later. If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. I am currently on disabilty and trying to find a part time job, I’m over qualified for most of the jobs I have applied for. I just want a part time job for something to do and help pay my medical bills I acquired last. Take care all, Love Mary Foster.

  • Judy

    thanks for sharing your stories, I to suffer from deppression.

  • juanita

    remember YOU are not alone. God is always there,1st, and secomd lots of people (including myself) know and feel and understand you and your feelings. I’m 62 yrs now and I have lived with depression since I was 19. Unfortualy, it is always there with me, it comes in many different “bouts”. I always throught after being ‘born again,” and continue to walk with the Lord, it would (depression) go away; but it has not; I don’t understand. you are in my prayers, with christian love, Juanita 8chrbf 8chrbt

  • Lori

    I cant thatnk you enough for your honesty..For I also have been feeling this way the last few months..I finally reached out for help and shared with a friend today..I cant do this anymore, I dont want to be here, I can barely survive..Let GO of whatever you think is holding you..It actually is suffocating you..I realized I have been relying on a “friend” who actually has just been someone I have been putting my life in her hands because I was scared to do this on my own..Say your feelings, be honest..I too was the woman for yers putting on the face that I have it all together, I dont want to be her again and I need to remember to ask for help..The best to all of us!!

  • kris b

    hi. i just want to let you know that i do understand where you are coming from. i just turned 20 years old last month. i am a single mother(not by my choice), i work full time with low pay, and i am trying to go back to school. I wont go into details, but i have been through alot to say that i am so young. it is extremely hard to manage everything and everyone on your own. you feel like you are entrapped within your own body. the only thing that gets me through is positive words and prayers. keep praying, because God works in mysterious ways, i promise.

  • Max

    I suffer from depression also, I’ve been in a custody dispute for the last 10 years and that’s when it started and I lost my mom in 2001 and I noticed it came right back and haven’t left since. I try my best to remember all the good sermons that have encouraged me, sometimes they work and sometimes they dont. It’s really hard living with depression because there are moments when you simply should be enjoying the moment and you JUST CAN’T. I really hate that. When my daughters is talking to me I want to give her all my attention and enjoy her company but all I’m thinking is go away I need some quite time, when in reality I don’t need anymore quite time I need to get up and jump around with her. Depression sucks.

  • Karen Corado

    I am so sick and tired of the struggle, I scream to God and I feel he does not care I pray for relief and none is given. Why is life so much easier for people I know then it is for me? I know I must continue for my kids and my husband but I just want to sit and do nothing. Please..

  • Dianne

    I too have lost a very dear friend due to depression and have fallen in love with a wonderful man who has shared his history of this illness. We are discussing marriage; the only hold back I have is his severe bouts with this illness. He has been hospitalized on several occasions for long periods…..”I’m afraid!” Is there any advice that may help me decide if I should encourage this relationship or should I just back away?

  • meme

    this was to mary forster pacifically but as well to others who suffer from depression. i would like to say that you are not alone even when you think you are. our tragic is so personal because it happened t us our family. i lost my 19yr.old son may 2007. someone he knew took his life because he was jelous of my son. my son had just moved to atlantia georgia that january and visited me in md. that may for the weekend and thought my son had money because he had new clothes on. almost everyday i relive that day, i just went back to christian counseling so far its helping, i to get parcial disability because i would have breakdowns at work. the 23 yr.old man woh took my sons life has 2life sentencing without the possibility of parole. he also took a womans life a month prior to my sons. his family will suffer as well as mines but i tell you it was a nightmare. but i ask God to take this pain because hes the only one who can. we will see our loveones again. apart of my healings is spending quit time alone and getting closer to God to better understand him. and being among my other children and some family. God Bless all of you he will see you all threw.

  • SharondaZ

    I just wanted to tell you that I think you are a very brave woman. The people you are helping by putting your most inner thoughts and feelings out there to be judged is heroic. I will pray for you. I wish I had an answer but I suffer from depression and am back in the abyss so it would be like the blind leading the blind. You have my utmost respect.
    Thank You

  • SuzanneWA

    I’m walking a tight rope between now and forever.Am having a 4-month siege of vertigo, hopinh every morning I’ll wake up and NOT be dizzy.Allspecialists I’ve seen so far are whacked up, because they can’t decipher what is causing it. I’ve essentially “lost my joy,” as well as ALL my summer. I’m in physical therapy now for balance control; I fell three times at the beginning of the siege, and an ear-nose-and-throat DR thought it was an inner-ear-thing. She had me go through a brutal procedure, only to find out I “may” have had a minor stroke, and it WASN’T inner-ear at all. Alll she could tell me was to find a “good” neurologist. Well, my PCP is on vacaton for the next 10 days, and therefore, can’t refer me to one. The earliest appointment I have with him is Oct. 30!!
    I was looking forward to a diagnosis by Halloween (my FAVORITE holiday), but it sure doesn’t look like it now. “Frustration” CAN lead to “depression,” so I’m doing EVERYTHING in my power NOT to fall into the abyss. Therese, I KNOW where you ARE now, and I DON’T want to go there. It steals your joy, and hampers your prayer life. You are SO brave to “put on your smiley face” in front of others, especially your children. I guess you could say I’m lucky that I DON’T have children, but my heart goes out to you. I have a powerful prayer warrior who has kept me on the staight-and-narrow for these 4 months; I’m just sick and tired of being sick and tired. You are in my prayers daily…sometimes, if you “act enthusiastic, you’ll be enthusiastic,” a phrase I learned from my Dad. It couldn’t hurt..

  • Susan

    I to am dealing with bi-polar depression. Your words seem to come out of my thoughts. I feel like JOB from the Bible. Everytime I think things are going okay, I get another challenge. But a friend of mine reminded me of a quote; “Remember this; If you only help one person in the world, you have helped change the world”. Keep writing your words because you will always help that one person.

  • Ms.Gayle

    I too suffer from Depression….it all sounds too familiar , as I read I cried and then I took a big breath …just enough time to write a reply trying to get off this misarable gridlock that pull me in every day….for me it seems to have a cycle that starts every single year in the month of september….into October not sure how or why, but halloween is just a perfect ilustration to my inside faces…..and I am glad that sites like this one exist . I have recently started to listen to the” power of now” that gives me glimpse of sanity….Thanks for sharing

  • Laura Yard

    I understand this. It too is my reality. We hide it well. Why? because no one wants to deal with us. They think we act this way for attention and that we need to pull ourselves up by the boot straps and get over it.
    If only it was that easy! You know you need an increase or change in medication, but you don’t want to go there. There being the psychiatrist. What will they think of me? Why do we care? I don’t know, but I believe it is part of our personality and the sensitivity thing. Something no one relates to.
    I find comfort knowing that I have a life insurance policy, a 401k and maybe a little in savings for those who most likely need it if necessary. In case I devastate their world prematurely.
    Working is out of the picture at present and getting SSI or SSDI would never fly. I also look normal and can put on a fake smile.
    I have been told I don’t look mentally ill. What does a mentally ill look like?
    I am in no danger today and hanging on is my present goal. Only a devastating event could change that for the time being. But, how low can I go?
    If it ever comes to be. I would not tell anyone any way, but it gives them comfort when I say, “I’ll be okay.” And so I say, “I’ll be okay.” But, think . . . I think I’ll be okay, but I never know because there will be a limit to what I can take.
    With that I’ll leave it by saying, “I’ll be okay.” I have never been hospitalized and do not plan on it either. So . . . I’ll be okay.

  • liti

    Dear Therese,
    I have been reading you for the past 3 years.I find you smart and funny and ever so helpful.I lost my dearest friend to suicide 6 months ago.It is so hard.I am also a depressive and OCD person.I do not know how i will cope with this.I have a psych.and recently added a talk therapist.You know all this stuff.Thoughts are temporary and God knows distorted at times.Keep the Faith,Sweetheart
    God LoveYou,LD

  • http://Rachael Rachael Hill

    I start every morning thinking just one more cup of coffee and i will feel better. The saying “wind me up” only works for a while. So I take my cymbalta and a couple of pain pills and try and make it through the day. I am not addicted to the pills as i can go for months without any but on certain days it numbs all sorts of pain. Family thinks that you should “get over it, everyone feels bad” but they don’t know that I think about death everyday. The only thing that keeps me going is my dogs and horses. WHat wonderful creatures but I dont even have the energy or desire to ride them anymore.
    Therapy, been there. I just want to run away but i have no where to go. Someone please throw me a life vest, I think I am drowning.

  • Your Name

    Hi I just want to say that I suffer from depression also. I have three sons 2 just like the ex-husband. Who I divorced over 12 years ago but is still a problem in our lives. He doesn’t want anything to do with the kids which make them unhapy and problematic. They are so unhappy they never played sports they never did anything but hope that one day I would get back with their abusive, adultrist dad. They have been nothing but trouble they act just like their dad it seems as though he’s in the house with his abusiveness, the lies,the disrespectfulness,laziness,the females, the police,visits to the courts, trips to the schools; total embarassments you name it. I have worked two and three jobs never spent time at home with my children. While I did this the (ex) just chased sorry women and never paid his child support that is now in arrears for $98,000. He’ll go to jail get out after a year or six months start all over again with out paying anything. I used to be able to go to my oldest son’s school and be called his sister, within five years I could pass as his grandmother. I hate being a single mother but I didn’t stop doing my job. I have’nt had a social life for over 12 years, there’s no one my age who wants to have fun, they are all unhappy because of their sick realtionships that they are afraid to let go of. I just wake up gain weight and be unhappy all day long. Sometimes I think really hard about suicide…

  • Randy

    Living Beside a Deep Blue Lake
    That’s what I call it. Living with depression is like living beside a deep blue lake.
    The lake has a tide and it waxes and wanes depending on the circumstances and how I feel. Sometimes there are storms and sometimes the lake is a table top, smooth as glass.
    It’s too deep and so blue that it sometimes shifts to black. It can be so black and unfathomable. I fear that sometime it will overwhealms me and drag me under. I swim sometimes and I love to swim but sometimes….. sometimes I think I won’t come back. I’ll just let go and sink into this dark pit of water. Release.
    I’m sitting in my lawnchair now beside the lake resting with this fear that never goes away, a fear of being overwhealmed. I can’t leave and move to someplace else that doesn’t have a lake, I just sit with it.
    It’s me and always will be.

  • lolajean

    When I read this it was like you were in my head. My depression comes in waves,sometimes I can enjoy a moment with my son,but it last for a minute until my thoughts take over. The other day I just wanted to get away from everything but then I realized that I couldn’t get away from myself. My thoughts take over my life, I can cry at the drop of a hat about anything. I try to work through it but it takes over. I look around at all these perfect people with their perfect lives and wonder if they can see through me,that makes me more depressed. It helps to hear that I’m not the only one having these thoughts. Thank you.

  • cindy

    thank you.


    2 of my texts have been lost, rejected due to ‘ wrong e mail address’, which was NOT wrong. Please look into this problem.

  • Irene

    Ok, that went through.
    I have also had such thoughts though I was not depressed, more anxious/ frustrated.Here are the thought I used to rid myself of the bad thoughts- I will never abandon my children- the stress/frustration will lessen over time- How lucky I am to be a witness of this fantastic universe- How lucky I am not to have a painful/fatal condition and that my children don’t have that either-Aw shut up, to the repeative rubbish thoughts. On days that I feel like escaping I look forward to going to sleep. Be real when asked how you are, in my mother’s generation all the women in the street were very open about their ‘ troubles’ and they gave each other perspective and comfort. “How are you ?” was usually answered with ” dreadful, that man will drive me off me head” or “I don’t know what I’m going to do with that boy of mine.” Give the other person the chance to be real with you, they may have troubles too, worse than yours.

  • Christine Seip

    i have been there-i can hear the pain that you’re in. i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder almost 15 years ago.
    i am happy to say that things have gotten easier. it has taken longer than i ever thought possible. it’s taken medication and a whole lot of (continuing) work with my doctors. also, for me, it took an irrevocible decision that suicide just wasn’t going to be an option for me. i think, ultimately, that helped me most of all.
    my 18 year marriage blew up this year. i’ve been picking up the pieces ever since. i have been able to keep the siren song of suicide at bay. if you had told me that 15 years ago, i would never have believed it.
    please hang in there. it can get easier…

  • Tres

    Thank you. This is exactly my life! I drag myself to get out of bed and get to work. The smallest issue at work can send me over the edge and I am ready to resign. As quickly as I can, I get home, into my pj’s and lay on the couch in the dark, crying. When I can’t cry anymore I take a few ‘pm’ pills to help me sleep a few moments before waking up and having to do it all again. On a daily basis, I hope that a car will hit me on the way to work – maybe not kill me, but hurt me enough to leave the daily struggles of life for a while. I can’t see a way out just yet….

  • Lisa

    Thank you….it is almost a relief to know that there are other people out there that understand what I’m going through. I try so hard to put that fake smile on and pretend like life is perfect…all the while wishing I weren’t here…wishing I had peace. Thank you!

  • Kristin

    Thank you for your honesty. I’m 33 & have been having this relentless battle in my mind since I was a little girl. I tell myself in my mind I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, I always second guess my decisions in life with parenting choices I make with my kids or choices I make at work. I’ve been in 2 psych hospitals due to severe depression disorder. The stress finally became physical & now I have no job, don’t care about anything anymore even though I act as if I do. I hate myself because I feel so useless. My poor kids & husband. I take medications but they never seem to work. I pray for strength, peace & knowledge but it never comes and I give up. I don’t want to be here anymore. I have to drag myself through my days & I live for the weekends so I can just sleep & basically ignore my children. I just want to sleep through it all. I feel so hopeless & just want to run away & deal with myself only because this is what I feel is all I have in me. All I want is some peace, I want to feel feelings of love & I want to finally be happy, just a little of each would be nice.

  • Your Name

    Tres, you’re suffering very badly. Have you had professional help?

  • S

    Profoundly moving…thanks for your amazing honesty…feel better :)


    Kristin, Most of us are over-critical of ourselves. My dad, a depressive said ” we’re all cripples and we each have our own way of walking”- confident people often have little insight into their weaknesses whereas we go to the opposite extreme. Live with integrity and do your best every day, any error will not be due to negligence, just to human imperfection . You care, there’s a lot of people out there don’t care, so you can take pride in that.

  • Wendy

    Wow, I stumbled across this site….a weight has been lifted off of me just knowing that I am NOT alone.

  • Lisa S.

    I too was suicidally depressed…I’m in my 40’s now and am amazed that I made it. I too wished for death, prayed to God to take me, anything to end this suffering. The only thing stopping me was the pain I’d cause my parents if I killed myself. So I thought of elaborate ways to make it look like an accident – I could swerve my car across the center line – so easy, just a tiny twist of the wheel and this pain would be over. But what if I hurt others which I surely would by crashing my car into theirs? Why should they suffer or die at my hands?
    Finally 2 people convinced me to try a NEW Dr (after I forced myself to admit to them how bad I was feeling), and if the meds prescribed didn’t work, to try NEW meds, and if HE wasn’t helping then switch Drs, and KEEP switching until something WORKS.
    I forced myself (because I just knew it was a waste of time)to try a new Dr. (my 5th or 6th?) started new meds (8th or 9th). The first month I missed many doses, but still declared “It doesn’t work! I told you.”
    Dr: “are you taking it every day?”
    Me: “Well, no.”
    Dr: “You HAVE to take it EVERY DAY. It doesn’t work right away. You have to build up a level.”
    So I stopped missing doses, and after 4-6 weeks, I changed. Instead of quietly suicidal I was angry – a LOT.
    Me: “Doc, I’m yelling at co-workers…this can’t be good.”
    Dr: “Anger comes from rising out of depression, you’re deflecting the pain outward now instead of inward…you just need a higher dose.”
    I thought he was crazy. How could anger be a GOOD sign?! But I took the new dose daily (maybe just to prove him wrong)… and 4-6 weeks later it was spring, and I was walking through the park, a place I’d been many times…but today it was different. I was stunned. Looking around, I felt like an alien from another planet! “Wow you earthlings have a beautiful home!” I laughed. Because the grass was SO green, the air fresh. It was my “AH HA” moment – like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ landing in Munchinland and opening that door – from black and grays to color. I’m serious!
    I’m whole and happy today. Do I sings songs and tra-la- la all day? Not on your life. But I am making it through each day thinking clearly, maybe for the first time ever – no negative thoughts attacking me. I can sleep again, I got married and have 2 wonderful babies. I function! I can be funny. I have friends. WHO KNEW I could feel this way b/c I was so SURE I was a sad person. I wasn’t one of THOSE people who looked so perfectly happy…that I despised.
    You can do it too, please try a new Dr or medication. Do it for God because he’s your Father and He is sad to see you crying. You may not feel worthy, but He loves you and wants to see His children happy. I promise there IS a way out! FIGHT it. God doesn’t make junk.

  • John

    No, you’re not crazy, I have the same difficulties with the battle as you. I think that your sharing is great, keep it up, it gives all of us battling a feeling that we’re not alone, and of course were not all alone. Please ignore any of the idiots that claim you need to seek more, (and of course more, and more and a never ending stream of MORE Dr. visits, meds and therapy to fill the pockets of someone, insurance provider CEO’s?) I am pleased to say that you don’t need the side effects, the crappy feeling of being not feeling just right, or the idiotic, unproven, talk of therapists and you sound like you are doing just fine. Keep up the fight and know we are out here with you in spirit.

  • Margaret

    I appreciate your honesty. the biggest lie that we tell each other is that we are not all suffering in some way. That we can not express that we are suffering, causes more suffering. All of the affirmations and positive thoughts can’t erase the reality that life is difficult at times. When suffering is expressed, it gives an opportunity for others to help. At least we can say to each other, “You are not alone. It is not just God that is with you but, we humans stand with you and hold you close.” Yes, but for a world where we could stop judging ourselves and others suffering.

  • Jess

    I cried when I read this. It’s exactly the same thing I feel 24/7 and I’m only 19. I know there’s no reason to feel this way, but every time I convince myself I’m ok, something happens out of the blue and I feel like the world doesn’t want me anymore.

  • Susan

    Dear Therese–
    Just saw your “bad day” video, and read this blog. Don’t ever forget: when those voices come, they always, always, are lying. And yes, you won’t be in that state forever … it just feels like it. At the worst of my times in that Black Hole, with the Dark Voice screaming at me, unable to stop crying, I pictured myself hanging on to a plam tree in the middle of a hurricane. I would sit in the shower and let the hot water pour over me. Then I would get a hot cup of tea, sweeten it with honey, and curl up with my Special Teddy Bear [called Come Back] and just ride out the storm. Hang in there, dear lady. You DO help a lot of people. You are not pathetic.zkhjfp

  • Larry Parker

    Sending big hugs and blessings your way!
    We can tell you all we want to follow your doctors’ advice, and to do whatever you need to do in terms of exercise/diet/taking meds/spending time with family and friends (or not spending time with the family and friends and taking quiet time instead), but …
    I seem to recall someone very smart — I think she writes the Beyond Blue blog for Beliefnet :-) — writing on several occasions about the cyclical nature of depression. Whenever you are down, remember that eventually you will be back up. To just be patient (difficult though that is) and let the negativity flow instead of holding onto it.
    It flows through you now — and all your readers, your fellow travelers know how devastatingly painful that is — but eventually the worst of it, at least, will flow away from you.
    And then you may experience joy once more.

  • ChicaTica

    Is God sad when I cry, or does he get fed up with me and say, “Just get better, kid! Stop being self centered and get over it.” I know in my brain he cares, but my heart says he’s fed up with me.

  • Rain

    It takes courage to share our deepest thoughts of helplessness and vulnerability. Thank you for that. It’s opportune that I read your message of your struggles today, as I had experienced similar struggles, while in a 3-hour session with an Occupational Therapist. Funny, when you breakdown in front of a complete stranger, it almost seems surreal: The mind analyses your failure to pull it together, and yet, your emotions are uncontrollable. At the end of the day, it becomes yet another exhausting day. But, having this blog, it gives me hope that there are others out there who are, likewise, surviving, sharing their triumphs, and facing the challenges that every day brings for us… Those who live in our minds and not in the moment. I’m learning – from all sources, therapy, alternative medicines, and blogs like these. The community of support on this website is tremendous. Thank you.

  • leeann

    Dear Therese,
    You are always there for your readers well this blog for me could not have come at a better time. I am in that dark place and can’t seem to get out, me life is unraveling in front of me. I don’t know what to do anymore, I like you can’t seem to enjoy what I should like activities with the kids, coming apart in front of strangers. My faith I guess is being tested that’s all I can think of. More important can I pull it together before it is to late… You are an inspiration to me and this must be a sign from god to me to get this email from you on a day that I may have made some not so good choices.
    Thank you and God bless you and everyone else out there suffering from mental illness who are in that dark hole fighting to get out.

  • Gayle

    OMG – I can smile and want to die at the same time, too! We’re multi-talented.

  • Joy

    Really , I have been informed I am depressed, sad, manic, pre-menopause, addicted to medication’s, and alcoholic, this is what my mom called her mid-life crisis in 1986. So why not just give me the mother’s little helper that helped all our mom’s in the 1970’/1980’s and a box of wine.

  • Alaska-Lori

    YES, that is your best writing thus far, because it was so very real and honest…
    I have finally learned…
    It wasnt really death I wanted, but something different then what is.
    You can change anything, even if its crazy, you didnt have to die.
    thoughts are powerful. Your brain believes everything you say, so speak life. Dont focus on the negative stuff, but speak life. Thoughts change the body as a whole.
    I certainly have been in a place similar to your writing, and I am not wanting to go back.

  • Your Name

    Therese…yeah…I’m going to take Larry’s advise too and pray for us both today to follow his lead and be with the darkness with faith that it will pass by again.
    Absolutely beautiful post Therese. pax, Kate
    note to Kevin – hmmm, I’m feeling a little defensive. I sense that you were trying to validate the stress that parenting added to the punkin patch, but as a mom collegue, the “clueless” was a little bit tough.

  • susan schechter

    Oh Therese, this breaks my heart. I know the depression, the suicidal ideation, the dark night of the soul.I am so sorry you are going through it. I wish you hadn’t nailed it the way you did because I hate to see people I care about feel this bad.

  • Mary

    I’ve battled these demons most of my life, and at age 56 I’m really tired of it! The one and only thing I’ve found that will get rid of these thoughts is to get on the computer and start listing everything I am thankful for, everything I have – down to the simplest stupid things like running water. Making this list once won’t fix it permanently but doing it regularly can keep the demons at bay. Today I’m seriously thankful that you wrote this honestly so for the first time, I don’t feel alone. Thank you!

  • alicia

    Therese you have to remember that you are here for a reason. Outside of yourself you are here to do the work of the Lord, to show his love through you. You sound like a good mother and everyone isn’t! Just remember that taking good care of your children & helping them to grow into good God fearing adults is your service to the Lord and you will be blessed. stay strong!

  • Your Name

    Dear Friend,
    I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling this sad. I too once was in a similar state, spiraling out of control within my own head not knowing what to do. After trying to do it on my own and getting temporary fixes I gave up and got to my knees. I realized I did not have the power to control what was happening. I needed help! That is when a friend told me that through prayer I could be healed. She shared the word of God with me. Honestly, at first, I was not ready to hear it. I was too far gone but then God did the work and began working in my spirit. I turned to him and prayed for strength. I prayed Not to just any “God”, but our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ. It says in His word: the Holy Bible, that “He is our rock..our redemmer…our strength…our Savior (from all that happens here on earth)…He is Alive in His Word..” Through only Him you will find peace, joy, fulfillment, and healing! Today I am happy. I am joyful. I have peace. And when the storms come, and they will come, I weather the storms with strength.
    I pray that when you read this, you will have the eyes to see, the ears to hear and the heart to let go and let God be your Rock!
    I’m praying for you now and all those feeling as you are today. May your life change as you accept Christ into it! We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!
    Be Blessed!
    Your Unknown Friend.

  • Kathy

    Dearest, beautiful Therese — Thank you so much for your bravery, your honesty, and your heart. I would never, ever wish that anyone would feel the pain of depression and anxiety, but at the same time I am so grateful to know I’m not here alone. How can I possibly tell you in these flat, typewritten words how very, very blessed I feel we are as your readers to have you? If only I could directly transport my deepest appreciation for you right into your heart so you could really feel it. I sit here in my home crying with the pain of pure anxiety and fear, I feel adrift and groundless and afraid, and then I find you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m praying for your health and your healing, for joy and rest and peace to find you and settle in your heart, and I’m interspersing all of those prayers with giant THANK YOUs that you are here.
    So much love to you, Therese,

  • Katy

    You have helped me beyond belief, especially last year. Last year I was an active alcoholic who played doctor and dabbled in Klonopin, Concerta, what have you. I have been sober since November 7th 2008. I was on this constant search for answers on how to chemically alter my brain into tranquillity. I was desperate and wanted to die. I wanted to die at work, at home, at picnics, with friends, petting the cat, watching sit coms, sunny days, and my whole world felt anxiously unreal. I felt I was dead already and just waiting for my body to follow suit. I was surfing the internet looking at abstracts of academic papers on brain functioning and meds. I came across this site looking for more of the same, but instead I found a woman who I could identify with. You. This time last year I was in a psychiatric hospital in Detroit after a suicide attempt (emotional bottom). When I left I continued to go drink till I hit material bottom (I was no longer sleeping indoors). I thought that only one ailment hits most people but there I was completely screwed up beyond salvation and the only person to blame was myself. Alcoholism, Depression, and Panic-disorder. I felt I got dealt a crummy hand and it was time to cash out. I WAS WRONG! Today, it has passed. Will it ever come back. God I hope not. I can not pick up a drink one day at a time but I am powerless over genetic markers that make me get nutty. You pointed me in the right direction as to the actions to take. You are an inspiration in the storm and practical guide for those who are experiencing all this confusion for the first time. Please don’t take yourself out of the world. The death thoughts can be relentless s.o.b.s but there is another side. Depression’s worst tricks, in my opinion, is to alter your perception into thinking it will never go away, and it is the only illness that you and other people blame themselves for having it. I owe you ( and Bill Wilson) a great debt of gratitude for which I will never be able to completely pay. But I’ll keep trying.
    I Love you Therese, I’ve never met you, but I do!

  • Always There

    Thank you for putting into words for the world to see how I feel when I am in that downward spiral.

  • Your Name

    I don’t wish for death, per se, I just sometimes wish that I would cease to exist. No accidents because I may be left maimed or stroke like and having to depend on people I don’t WANT to depend on. I guess just not ever having been is best.
    A fabulous book that I turn to whenever I feel I am SO done is Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Gordon Livingston. Elizabeth Edwards did the forward, you will be amazed, totally amazed how you will find yourself somewhere on these pages. God bless all of us!! Theresa…keep your chin up…

  • Kathleen Huls

    I understand,I really only have those thoughts at night when I want to sleep. I keep thinking that if I was dead then, I wouldn’t be worthless to my husband and my family, especially my mother in law. I tried so hard for her to like me, and all she saw was my faults. I felt like an incompetent mother, and a worthless person. Well, I talked to my doctor, who put me on medication. And I have a good group of friends that will listen to me beat myself up from time to time, and then they will tell me that I am a good person and boost my ego. and make me feel better. I also acted. My family and I moved out of my in-laws house to one of our own..Now I am standing abit straighter.

  • r4 firmware

    I read your post about A Tiny Glimpse Inside a Neurotic Head.You are really helping helped me beyond belief, especially last year. Last year I was an active alcoholic who played doctor and dabbled in Klonopin, Concerta, what have you.

  • Lisa

    theresa you are everything that is right with the world!

  • Your Name

    Hi everyone. I wrote this poem over 20 years ago. I have been battling depression for 32 years. It fits with this theme. I’d like to share it as you all will understand. The poem highlights the difference between a depressed mind and the reality of the outside world, plus how strong we all really are each and every day, even when we don’t believe it to be true.
    A Morning Journey She cries – for winter is all that she sees.
    The dark, wind-swept plain chills her to the bone-
    No sun, no warmth, no reprieve.
    Her head bowed low, she trudges on-
    Each step more difficult than the last.
    But still she continues, for to quit would mean the end-
    A lonely, shallow grave to which no one would ever attend.
    She screams with the pain of the journey-
    Though no sound passes her lips.
    All alone, the wind’s words whistle through her head.
    Fear of what’s around the next bend haunts her-
    But still she trudges on, for she is not yet dead.
    She resolves that the journey will not beat her-
    Though the load she carries is great.
    Her flagging steps quicken even while her strength seeps away.
    One last push and she’ll make it-
    She will not lose today.
    Gritting her teeth, she bows her head lower-
    Then she pushes the bed covers away.
    Birds sing, sun streams- It’s time to face the new day.

  • Ruth

    Thank you for your blog, Therese, and for YOU. You vocalize so many thoughts that I have had and you help me know that I’m not alone. I am grateful to you and I am praying for you. Please hold on. You are a good person, beloved by God.

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