Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Trash Night: What About Sex?

posted by Beyond Blue

r-LOVERS-mediumvariable.jpgI published the following post on the Huffington Post two days ago. Judging by the 400-plus comments, I apparently hit a raw nerve. I only read two comments before feeling nauseous. And I didn’t go back because my friends who did read the comments told me to stay clear. 


You always run the risk of being attacked, of course, when you write about something so private. But I suspect most people can’t appreciate the sheer fatigue a working mom of young kids feels at the end of the day … when you have invested 10 hours of your entire self into your work and settled the 21st argument between Thing One and Thing Two, throwing both into their rooms for the fifth emotional outburst of the day. Maybe I should have explained that I have trouble doing ANYTHING at night. I haven’t read in eight years, ever since the insomniac of a son was born, because I have no energy and even less concentration. The only thing I am good for after putting Katherine to bed is staring at the ceiling … which I do for fifteen minutes before snoozing. 

So throw the stones if you want, but I know in my heart that committing to sex at least twice a week is an act of love, not selfishness. And my therapist agrees. 
At Eric’s 40th birthday party, just as he was blowing out the candles on his cake, one of my friends asked, “What do you think he’s wishing?”
 

I blurted out, “That every night be trash night.”

She howled. She knows the history of trash night in our home….

A year or so ago, I got fed up with my mate’s constant begging for sex, so one night I asked him point blank, “What is the minimal number of times a week that you need sex in order to be satisfied?”

“Twice. Absolute minimum.”

“Fine,” I said. “You get Monday and Thursday. If you don’t beg any other night.”

It then occurred to me that Monday and Thursday evenings were trash night. We drag out all of our rubbish and recyclables from the last few days and leave the stuff on the curb … to be picked up at 5 a.m. the next day, when the trash truck compressors will try to wake up our slumbering kids.

Yes, trash night is sex night in our household. Clearly a “Seinfeld” episode in the making.

This concept … of a scheduled sex session … was so intriguing to the other birthday guests that trash talk dominated the entire conversation for the rest of the evening.

“What about bulk pick up?” one asked.

“And what if you miss a day?” asked another.

“Eric’s lucky,” said the guy crossing his legs. “Our trash is only picked up once a month.”

“This, right here, could very well replace trash night,” said my friend with a spoonful of chocolate mousse in her mouth.

The next morning, as I was thinking over everyone’s comments, I began to wonder, “Why is sex so much more desirable for men than it is for women? What happened to the days before kids when the begging was mutual?”

According to a recent post on Psych Central called “Older Women Still Enjoy Sex,” a new study by the University of California-San Francisco refutes the claim that as women age, they lose interest in sex. Senior News Editor Rick Nauert writes:

In the study of nearly 2,000 women, aged 45 to 80 years old, 43 percent reported at least moderate sexual desire, and 60 percent had been sexually active in the previous three months.

Half of all sexually active participants described their overall sexual satisfaction as moderate to high. More than one quarter of women aged 65 years or older remained moderately or highly interested in sex, and more than one third of women in this age group had been sexually active in the past three months.

Among sexually inactive women in the entire group, the most common reason was lack of interest in sex (39 percent), followed by lack of a partner (36 percent), physical problem of partner (23 percent) and lack of interest by partner (11 percent).

In their book, “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex,” coauthors Ryan Howes, Richard Rupp, and Stephen W. Simpson try to help couples communicate better about sex so they can free the experience to be the life-giving and nurturing activity it should be to a relationship. They write:

The reality is that women and men actually wish for the same thing. We both wish for intimacy, lifelong love, trust, respect, fun, and romance. We both want hot, mind-blowing sex. The only challenge is that we approach these wishes from different angles.

Maybe trash night, for me, is just the beginning of an attempt to figure out this males species I live with. Maybe it’s a twice weekly opportunity to express my commitment, love, and devotion in a language that he speaks.

Or maybe it’s simply a way to do away with all the begging.

What about you? Do you have trash night?

Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue! And click here to follow Therese on Twitter. And click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.



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Your Name

posted July 29, 2009 at 10:41 am


I say kudos Therese. While I am the person in our relationship that has said a minimum of twice per week, I now have a better understanding of how my husband must feel. He works very long hours(about 14 per day) and is usually so tired by the end of it that he simply wants to de-compress. I become quite angry and sullen if he forgets or is too tired for “trash night”. While I sometimes feel as if i’ve ‘settled’ for far less than I desire, I will simply try to be a bit more understanding. Thanks for the female perspective.



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Christina

posted July 29, 2009 at 12:08 pm


Yipes! I haven’t read the comments over at the HuffPo yet — but I appreciate your honesty.
Look — making sex spontaneous can be work! My husband and I (we don’t have kids, so that makes it a bit easier) are always blaming each other for the missed opportunity to have sex. “Let the record show …” we admonish each other when one offers an opportunity and the other comes up with an excuse. I have to catch him before he’s had one of his gargantuan meals … “Watch the stomach, watch the stomach!”
He also has a long commute, tack on a very necessary workout — and Saturday morning seems to be our time. I prefer to vary the time slot a bit — like Sunday afternoon — but at our age (around 50) — we have to remind each other — It only takes a few minutes!



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Jeff Smith

posted July 29, 2009 at 12:20 pm


I’m sorry so many of the responses have been rough. I think it’s partly because the article seemed a tad flippant. Your followup note makes a difference, and should be added to HuffPo. There is one comment I’ve seen that makes sense: Since this issue means so much to you and your partner — and since it’s connected to broader issues, such as your exhaustion — do the two of you see a counselor together?



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S.

posted July 29, 2009 at 12:52 pm


It is unfortunate that most of the commenters went down the path of criticizing and judging instead of sharing their individualized approach to marital sex. I don’t think scheduling sex negates respect or passion. Marriages go through stages and addressing issues at any stage is a sign of maturity.



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Your Name

posted July 29, 2009 at 1:01 pm


Your desire will return when your children are older and life is not so crazy. I’ve been there.



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marcedward1

posted July 29, 2009 at 1:17 pm


I can get how you’d need to schedule sex with kids and both parents working. I get that sexual intercourse, taking a lot of energy (at least for us older folks) can reasonaby be limited. What I don’t get is disrespecting one’s mate (telling people he has to beg for sex) or even discussing bedroom issues with anybody besides one’s spouse. I also don’t get how you can ‘limit’ sexual interaction so drastically. What about oral sex, mutual masturnation, etc.? Is it intercourse only twice a week or ANY sexual interaction twice a week? One thing I learned in a class called ‘Psychology of Relationships’ was that to maintain a successful relationship you need three things – Good Times, Good Sex and Good communication. Drop any of the three and you’re asking for trouble.



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marcedward

posted July 29, 2009 at 1:25 pm


I’d add that calling sex time ‘trash night’ implys a low level of respect for one’s mate. As to ‘why do men desire sex more than women’ – well hack our bodies are producing millions of sperm a day. We crabby without release, we are nice and calm with release. Could it be the problem is the men aren’t very good at pleasing their mates? My DW tells me that most men won’t pleasure women orally and many who try aren’t very good at it – is this true? I can sure understand not being interested in sex if it’s less pleasurable than chocolate. If your mate isn’t pleasing you, do you tell them so they can get better or fake an orgasm? Seems to me that faking orgasms is reenforcing bad preformance, like praising a dog that poops in the house. I just don’t get it.



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Your Name

posted July 29, 2009 at 1:32 pm


OK, I’m all about this post and love your honesty. If people read your writing – they know you come from a pure heart. Secondly, my hubby and I struggle in this area. I understand the pestering… it’s frustrating. I’ve heard this illustration before – for women intimacy is like a slow cooker – it needs time and a little stirring throughout the day. If someone disturbs it, interupts it too much, turns the heat up or down the meal (intimacy) is destroyed. Men, completely opposite! They can strike up their fire – whenever! Although my hubby and I do not have set trash night currently, it does help for me. I need a little notice… it’s just the way I’m set up. And yes, maybe later when kids are older and life is a little less complicated things might get might heat up again. But, for today, my slow cooker is plugged in and a little sensitive!



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just_me

posted July 29, 2009 at 2:56 pm


I have sympathy for your sexual/relationship issues–you are far from alone, but I must tell you that I am appalled at your disrespectful, demeaning public treatment of your husband, both at his 40th birthday party and on line–in front of the world. When I was married, my wife and I had problems similar to yours, but never, even during our worst times, would I have dreamed of trying to humiliate her–in private, much less in front of friends and the world wide web!!! If you’re so exhausted at the end of the day, why not try putting a little less energy into airing your dirty laundry in public and save it for your PRIVATE life? I’d just like to ask you to reread your post and try to step back from your self pity long enough to take a look at your own unkindness. I’m not saying your husband is a saint (I’m not there-it’s not my business), but the view you chose to present of yourself and your marriage is very, very, very unattractive, personally, ethically, and “spiritually”. I’m sorry you’re so unhappy. I hope you get better.



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Jack Wallace

posted July 29, 2009 at 5:28 pm


Hey I’m a big fan! So cool that you were on the Huffington Post. Found you there and now I can laugh at your amateurish columns all the time. Do your husband a favor and divorce him now. I’m sure he’s already cheating on you. I guess because you are tired, it gives you a free pass to disrespect your husband by making a public laughing stock out of your supposed marriage.



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ilibertyi

posted July 29, 2009 at 7:01 pm


I’m a fan of your blog and have been reading for several years. As a working mom with BP I can relate so often to your columns. I know you have a good heart and share with us intimate things to bring these topics out into the open so we all talk about them and so that we realize we aren’t the only ones with bedroom troubles. I am the “begger” in my relationship. My husband rarely initiates intimacy and when he does, because of my medications, I rarely achieve release. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to be physically close, I do anyway. A lot more than he apparantly does, and we don’t talk about it, I’m not sure why. When I have brought the topic up, he gets very defensive and embarrassed, so because I love him very much, I’ve decided to be satisfied with what I get when I get it.
I know Eric must love you very much and I know he takes everything with the humor and love in which it’s meant. Not to worry.



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Your Name

posted July 29, 2009 at 7:03 pm


Dear Therese,
WHile I haven’t read the entire post at the HP, I’m in your corner. Your general subject matter is depression, for heaven’s sake, and I don’t know a lot of depressed people who are ready for sex all the time. The only sickness I can recall that results in frequent sex in nymphomania or trying to conceive a child. I have to laugh at “trash night.” A coincidence, not the solution to a mystery.
As for every respondent ragging you about disrespecting your mate, I say nonsense to that too. I’m sure that when you began writing Beyond Blue, you and Eric discussed what would and wouldn’t be covered in your posts. I am sure that you have the highest respect for your husband, and he, you. Don’t stop writing about anything!
Karen N.



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ToppHogg

posted July 29, 2009 at 9:02 pm


Even before we had our four kids, my wife and I had different appetites for sex. Hers was twice a month whether I needed it or not (as she “jokingly” put it way too often) while mine was much more frequent. We never settled on a happy medium, as when I wanted sex and she (almost always) didn’t, she would pull out one of the standard excuses – too tired, not feeling good, have to get up early, etc. to put me off.
I decided that if that was all she wanted, that was all she would get – and only when she asked for it. Then I tracked her interests on a calendar, and discovered that she might go two to three months before she would, in a round-about way, ask for sex.
I have since decided that if I were to get an offer that I wouldn’t want to refuse, I would accept. Why starve at a banquet just because your partner is on a diet?



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Marian

posted July 29, 2009 at 9:28 pm


I think the negativity you’re getting is because it doesn’t come off as a loving conversation in which you’re trying to meet his needs. You didn’t say ‘Honey what do you need to be fulfilled, okay I want to commit to that *at least*. Instead what you wrote sounds as if you said, ‘What’s the least amount you’ll put up with, and I’ll toss that to you if you shut up.”
Here’s the converse, so that perhaps you can understand the antipathy. What if he came to you and said, “Listen I’m really tired of your constant whining. I’m willing to sit down and have discussions about ‘feelings’ with you twice a month…IF you’ll shut up the rest of the time”.
It wouldn’t sound like he was committing in a loving way to your emotional needs in the relationship; it would sound as though he completely devalued you and your needs and was simply doing the bare minimum needed to get by.
Which is unfortunately how your presentation came off. Hopefully (almost certainly) the reality was quite different.
I also disagree with you on the generalization that women want sex less…but that’s another issue. ;) We clearly have different pools of friends, many of my female friends would be the ones complaining ‘trash day’ didn’t come often enough.



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Z.

posted July 29, 2009 at 9:42 pm


It’s too bad people can’t tell the difference between a compromise between two adults and a sex crime. I’m sure you’d get the same rage if you said (no matter how good your reasons were) that you told him no sex until he got snipped. I wish I could say I’m surprised at the response, but I’m not. Guys insist that they’re owed something and girls who want to suck up to them trash anyone who doesn’t play along.
If a girl isn’t in a relationship that she knows would be okay if she couldn’t have sex (say, if she were hurt in an accident, or she were raped and couldn’t deal, or she was going through therapy for child abuse), she needs to think again. One of my girlfriends has a button that says “Trust Women”. Seems people don’t. Apparently the sex-police need to come out and protect your husband from an adult compromise. One of these days, people will figure out that a guy wanting it does not entitle him to getting it — whether he buys your dinner or pays your mortgage.
Have to agree with your friends — I wouldn’t read the comments there.



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genomegk

posted July 30, 2009 at 1:05 am


What curled my noodle was reference to your husband “begging”, followed by your reaction. At least you are honest. Here is the deal from this man’s point of view. I’d like my wife to have desire for me, flesh-of-my-flesh, non-calculated, can’t help herself delight. Lacking that I wonder, what do I really do for her anyway? Then there is the message sent loud and clear: she can’t be pleased by me regardless. This is true rejection and the wounds cut deep. Your husband will either settle or he won’t.



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Rose

posted July 30, 2009 at 3:25 am


It’s amazing to me how the written word can me misinterpreted. Having been married, divorced and now in a relationship I know there are times that I would have put all of them out in the trash. Loving words disguised behind humor is no reason to think that her relationship needs to be under our personal microscope and her intent micro-examined. I have fibromyalgia so sometimes any touch is painful. Fortunately for my partner and those who know me and my sarcastic sense of humor, know that when I write my intent is to be humorous and the people who know me well will howl with delight but someone else will take me to task on how my words have come across.
Can we give her a break and not take everything so personally and turn on her?



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Liz

posted July 30, 2009 at 3:36 am


This is one of the more honest articles I have read about sex for a long time. I am not sure why there has been such an outpouring of angst! Sex is not the be all and end all of a marriage – and sex every day is just that – sex. There has to be a bit of romance and having been in a relationship where daily sex was expected and I was expected to perform regardless of how I felt, I can only say that it became a chore, and eventually he was the only one who was satisfied. I wish I had of had the courage to strike a deal like Therese did – I would have been a far more loving and responsive partner.



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Richard

posted July 30, 2009 at 5:28 am


Got to throw this story in as it says something about the people outside the marriage looking in. I’m not exactly sure what it says but I am sure there is something. A number of years ago I was seeking some consulting from a church leader with whom I was well acquainted. He had watched the marriage (from a discreet distance) crumble into dust over a period of ten years.
By the time this discussion came around it was a year or three after the divorce so it was a little easier to talk about some of the very painful moments. And then we hit sex, or as the article so curiously named it, trash night. Tangential point here: finding a correspondence between trash and sex is not healthy. The implication is that trash and sex are dirty and at least one of them is not. End tangent.
For the last eight years of the marriage we didn’t have a trash night, day, afternoon, hour, or anything else. There were myriad reasons for this but the fundamental one was that she didn’t love me and had figured that out early on in the marriage. Being a bit slow, I didn’t catch on until much later. But it is the reaction of the gentleman I was talking with which surprised me. When I told me that we hadn’t been *intimate* for the last eight years of the marriage, he about dropped his socks. I really couldn’t be objective and didn’t know what a normal (?) reaction would be. Then he said something that really surprised me. He made the comment that it was a wonder that I hadn’t forced myself on her. The sex had just been sex for me and never had the change to grow into true intimacy and the rest of that stuff that I don’t know very much about. Well, that is more than enough for now. Hope I didn’t bore you.



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Skylark

posted July 30, 2009 at 10:17 am


my comment is apparently lost…can it be retrieved..I followed the
instructions which said my comments would not be lost if i clicked
to refresh the verfication box..apparently that was not true



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Epiphanyplaylist

posted July 30, 2009 at 2:43 pm


What dogged me about the comments made at the HP article was that religion had messed up sex for all Americans. What was mere opinion was delivered as anthropological fact, in what I would say was narrow judgementalism, exhibiting the behavior that the person was condemning. Most organized religions respect sex for the powerful force of nature that it is in order to guide a moral spirituality which leads to healthier society. But there is always an equal and opposite reaction which cannot be entirely blamed on guiding factors. And personal responsibility within a high moral code is where the crux does lay.
And there was a general condemnation of TJB’s libido saying that she needs a therapist to get over her sexual issues. If only they had put enough stake in their opinion to know that TJB’s therapy may be causing her decreased libido, who knows…. She tried to make a funny co-relation and got stink for it.



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Jesse

posted July 30, 2009 at 4:39 pm


The very fact that your husband has to beg for sex in marriage is patently absurd. A part of marriage is pleasing your partner, learning to be selfless; your trash night deal is entirely selfish. Good luck with your divorce.



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Ileana

posted July 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm


i dont completly agree with what you are saying althoug i know you are telling the truth. i admire that you were strong enough and your hubby is a unselfish person, who didnt take it personally. you said what most of us do but are afraid to admit it. i can see you have a healthy relationship and it doesnt have to end in a divorce…as Jesse said, thanks for being so honest, so open with us, God bless you



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Larry Parker

posted July 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm


Therese:
Once again, your courage in sharing your life simply amazes. (And Eric’s too in allowing you to share, I might add!)
Although the comments on HuffPo were exceptionally nasty, keep in mind that the only ones qualified to comment fairly on your post are the ones who know the totality of your religious beliefs, your relationship with Eric from the beginning and your diagnosis — which is to say, probably no one there who commented.
I would offer a personal observation from my own life that I will try to make as PG-rated as possible:
We both know that depression affects our desire for intimacy in a negative way. Unfortunately, the medications we take can shrink that desire further.
There comes a tipping point, I think, where the damage to one’s intimate relationship may be greater than the relief one obtains from medication, given the side effects. At that point, perhaps you have to take a chance to open yourself up to intimacy — not ending medication, of course, but perhaps working with your doctor to change medications or at least change the doses.
You may find — as I have in my life — that the temporarily increased effects of depression that may come from a medication change are more than compensated by the increased affection and intimacy from one’s loved one due to the reduced sexual side effects.
After all, as you write every day in Beyond Blue, only a holistic approach can help us make depression a manageable part of our lives, rather than dominate our lives — and our lives, of course, always include the lives of those we touch and those who so love us.
My very best as always to you, Eric and the family.



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Your Name

posted July 31, 2009 at 12:47 am


I am astounded by the negativity you received for your post…it was honest and funny and SO much more realistic than the soap opera images of sex in a relationship that comes from most media. Sexuality in a relationship is such a unique dance of meeting the needs of two people often coming from two completely different perspectives… those with the most obnoxious comments surely have little experience in the balancing act of relationships, especially when there are young children at home. How nice for them that they get things their way all of the time- though I bet their partners would have some interesting insight into what they were posting. ;) And as for scheduled sex…almost anyone with kids and/or busy lives in general has heard the recommendation to make sure to schedule a “date night”- how is this any different? You have shared expectations, you both make an effort to make sure that even with the moment isn’t perfect, you’re making time for your relationship. It doesn’t mean you never look forward to it! And when such an agreement it’s not working for one partner anymore, time to talk it over again.
Your post clearly stated your love and respect and desire to meet the needs of your husband. Apparently, some people got so excited before they finished reading that they either missed it or chose to ignore that portion of your post.
I personally didn’t take any of it to mean that you never want sex with your husband- if that IS the case in any relationshop, then certainly it is worth an effort to see if meds our counseling might help (they did in my case, and wellbutrin helped balance the effects of another med for me).
Overall, however, I think the peak into a circle of friends talking about sex in their relationships in a funny, somewhat nervous and indirect, but honest way is refreshing- we are so uncomfortable as a society talking about such normal parts of living- especially sex and death. Any attempt to bring it out in the open is a start!
And by the way, twice a week is nothing to sneeze at if you look at the overall statistics on what Americans themselves report is actually happening in the bedrooms of most homes in the US! I’ve been on both sides- not giving enough according to one relationship, and not getting enough in another…it’s not just about one person but about what works for the partners, and the rest of the world’s opinions about what is right or wrong for someone else be damned! =)



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gatorlily

posted July 31, 2009 at 3:46 pm


With age (70 is in sight but I have a couple of years), comes some physical problems but there is something to be said here with emotional distance. In a loveless/sexless marriage for the second time to the same man, it is a matter of trust, and we don’t have that. When the partner (him) is threatening to walk out and divorce every day for minor reasons, or rehashing my past sins (but never his physical and emotional cruelty which made me leave the first time) there is no point to it. It’s a lousy arrangement. Old as I am, I would give anything if he would leave which he says he wants dearly but never does. He is a vindictive, self-centered man, and hates life without sex. Too bad. Not from me.
There are other men in my life. I just want to be happy and enjoy them.
Sparks happen. But not here.



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Maji Peterx From Kaduna, Nigeria

posted July 31, 2009 at 6:20 pm


Thanks for taking me on your journey, this is one of the most sincere write ups i’ve read on a private and personal issue. We are all aboard the same plane the only difference is the compartments.
Maji Peterx
(From Nigeria)



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Your Name

posted July 31, 2009 at 7:55 pm


I wish there was a trash night around my house. My husband is 66 and I am 57 and I have just about gave up on sex. I have gone without for so long, I don’t even desire it. But, it does depress me that my husband does not come after me for it. Please pray for our marriage.



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Helen

posted August 1, 2009 at 9:27 am


Therese, I was so shocked to see the comments on Huff after your article- I couldn’t believe there were that many jerks out there (although I did notice that about 70 percent of the comments were all by one person who also mentioned that she isn’t married, doesn’t have children, or even an intellectually demanding job (she is a “barista”) and that she “strives for perfection” in her relationship with her boyfriend- oh pul-eze, get over yourself).
I deeply admire your bravery in putting your thoughts and struggles out there. You help so many good people with your work, ignore the jerks and keep going.



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Flora Morris Brown, Ph.D.

posted August 1, 2009 at 11:31 am


Thank you for sharing a very personal and intimate aspect of your life. All the reactions to your post on Huffington Post prove that sex is a part of our lives that brings out deep-seated fears, insecurities, and unresolved issues. Failure to discuss it openly with one’s mate causes the frustration, misunderstanding and unhappiness in a relationship.
I didn’t have a trash night when I was married or in committed relationships, but it seems to be an ideal solution for you. I’m pretty organized and like routine in other areas of my life, but sex was one of the few spontaneous things in my relationships.
When I get another significant other, however, who knows what our arrangement will be. So much has to do with age, temperament, health and so many other things. I look forward to having this issue to consider once again.



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Bradi

posted August 1, 2009 at 9:38 pm


I do have a friend who takes out the “trash” on Sundays and we make fun of her… only because her entire life is so scheduled. There’s something to be said for spontaneity!



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NOLAJane

posted August 1, 2009 at 9:53 pm


WOW! I read the comments at Huffington Post–what is wrong with some of those people? So hateful and judgmental…
Great article. And a great idea! We don’t have children, but between jobs, dogs, house maintenance and renovations, exercise, cooking, volunteer work, and attempting to spend time on our respective creative pursuits, the only time my partner and I have sex is if we schedule it or make a conscious decision to forgo sleep for sex and just be exhausted the next day. Subsequently, while our relationship is great, our sex is sporadic. “Trash night” is a great solution. Thank you!



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Your Name

posted August 2, 2009 at 6:09 pm


Thanks for sharing your story. My husband found another married woman and wants a divorce because I did not always want to have sex with him. He has abandoned a thirteen year marriage and two children. He says that “he was tired of constantly being “shot” down.”
By the way he leaves for work at 6:30 pm and does not get home until 8am. I have been the sole caretaker of the children for 11 years. He very rarely brought the kids to practice or attended their games, recitals,lessons,etc. I also work two jobs. I was supposed to greet him “naked in the morning when he got home.” I guess I should have told the kids to get themselves dressed, make breakfast, their lunches, and get themselves on the bus. Oh and I was supposed to always be in a good mood! Now he is with someone that he works with who has 4 children and is supposedly getting a divorce. Will the grass be greener….will he get it more? HAHAHA
By the way I am a very sexy woman and enjoy sex just as much as anyone else. I just needed the opportunity.



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Anon

posted August 3, 2009 at 10:06 am


The problem isn’t your article, it’s the Huff Po audience is a bunch of hypocritcal liberal jerks. If they’ll attack Palin’s innocent Down Syndrome baby, they’ll attack you.



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Laurie

posted August 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm


I can totally relate, however, I’m on the opposite side of the coin and can understand the frustration that men feel when their significant other doesn’t want to have more sex. My husband and I do have a trash night, so to speak, ours happens to be EVERY Saturday and ONLY Saturday, and all our friends know it. Sometimes funny but in asking him why only on that day and not any more than that, he has no answer for me. I feel extremely rejected and often feel as tough something is wrong with me. It seems strange to me that a man wouldn’t want more than that.



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LaWanda

posted August 18, 2009 at 2:24 pm


I found your article so insightful that I’m going to make sure that my partner reads it. He complains because I am not as sexual as he is, his minimum would probably be more like 4 times a week. Outside of the bedroom our relationship is great, but sex is a problem. He doesn’t quite seem to understand the need of mental stimulation or foreplay–or either he just doesn’t care. I tell him hold my hand, hold me, tell me that you like how I look, tell me I look sexy…he says that’s corny he just wants me to be ready when he’s ready. There have been times when I just lie there and not say a word-doing as little as possible to participate and he doesn’t even notice–he’s in his own little world and to put it bluntly I feel like I’m just a hole for his release. I think of walking away, but he is a great provider and protector, my daughter loves him and he spends more time with her than she spends with her own father and he makes sure that I have everything that I need and some of the things that I want. At one point I was ill-he was there by my side the entire time-this is actually the time when I moved with him because he wanted me closer to make sure that I was taken care of-he’s a great man….but the sex….terrible.



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Theresa

posted August 19, 2009 at 1:55 am


I wish I had trash night everynight, but I don’t have trash night at all. I was a widow and remarried an older man but that’s not the problem. He is just selfish and mean and although I have never told hm no, he refuses to please me sexually. Yes he pokes me( that’s what I call it) He gets his release and orgasm but to hell with my wants or needs. It’s the same position and I don’t even see his face, if that gives you a clue. There’s no foreplay, no kissing. He hasn’t touched me, kissed me or even said he loves me in over 2 years. I am a woman that enjoys sex ALOT,a WHOLE, WHOLE LOT. I love to touch and to be touched and I HAVE talked to him about this so many times, it doesn’t matter to him. I love my husband very much but I want out. Not just because of the NO sex. He is an abusive husband, he hates woman, I’m serious. This is because of “The woman who gave him birth” EVERY single day of my life I am emotionally and mentally abused. I’m also physically abused. I can hear the 100′s of voices “Well Leave, get out, it can’t be to bad she’s still there” It’s not so easy, you’d have to know the whole story then you’d understand why I just can’y open the front door and go. But back to trash night, I am hoping to one day in the near future have trash night at least 4 times a week and on some of those 4 days take out the trash 2 or 3 times on that same day. Take care



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Kristy

posted August 20, 2009 at 2:39 pm


Well i have to start by saying my husband and I are 13 yrs. apart he is hitting 50 this year and we have been together for 13 years and have an 11 yrs. daughter and our sex life is getting better and better if we go 2 days without any sexual activity its amazing,and for all you women who are just not in the mood break out the toys and have some fun with him it will get you both going!



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Kristy

posted August 20, 2009 at 2:47 pm


I am 37 and never enjoyed sex like i do with my husband of 13 yrs. we have 4 kids all together and even though he is going to be 50 this years sex is amazing I can’t even put it in to words how great it is!Our trash night is everynight if we miss 1 or 2 believe me we make up for it on the third night without a dought!Ladies bring a water proof toy in to the bath with you and just get yourself all excited about being with your man, believe me that 15 min. you take to get in the mood will save your marrage.



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Kristy

posted August 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm


I dont know if any of my comments made it but break out the toys ladies if a man is satisfied and home he wont go looking any place else even if its just a quick blow job before work or right before your going to sleep besides if you do that you are also helping him sleep better and thats what a marrage is after all right tring to always make your partner happy feel sexy and if you need a little help use toys!MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME NEVER SAY NO TO YOUR MAN thats what helped us for 13 years and a 13 year age differance hes almost fifty and he still has alot of drive!



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