Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

Dear God: Thank You for Easter


Dear God,

This is just a small thank you for coming through on your promises–especially the one assuring those who “weep and mourn” (a.k.a. depressives) that they will one day smile and laugh. (That’s your third Beatitude, right?)

I remembered those words today as I colored Easter eggs with the kids. You should have seen Katherine’s expression (my bad, you did see it) when she pulled out her stunning violet egg from the cup of purple dye. Her innocent blue eyes sparkled, as though they had never beheld such beauty–until David did his little Humpty Dumpty presentation a few minutes later (you know boys these days, everything’s a weapon).


The sheer amusement in today’s kitchen mess–the cackles with each vibrant egg– made me think of that morning a month or so ago when I grabbed Katherine out of the tub, and before I could towel her naked body off, she escaped me and performed the most unusual Salsa-bunny-hop-disco jig. She moved her limbs in ways I hadn’t thought possible, and to absolutely no beat or rhythm, and I exploded with laughter.

My eyes must have projected joy, because she danced over to me and asked me, “Mom, why are you so happy?”

I couldn’t speak. No explanation came to mind. Because I had never been asked that question. Only this one: “Mom, why are you so sad?” And I try to forget how many times I had to answer that (and “Why are you crying?”), because it killed me to make up a different offender (some bogus allergy) every time. (Does someone who has lied that often–to cover up a mental breakdown from her kids–get a chance to convince St. Peter to let her in, or is she immediately sent south?)


I’ve got to be honest, God, for a good 18 months I filed the Beatitudes (and most of the Sermon on the Mount) into the “real-estate flyer” category…you know, the drawer of empty promises: the sassy ads that guarantee a dream home for just four months of your minimum-wage salary.

I mean, I love your instruction book (the Bible), and am comforted by it more days than not. But I just was in so much pain that I couldn’t understand why you weren’t doing anything about it. (It’s not like you don’t have the power, right?) So in my angrier moments I classified chapters five through seven of Matthew’s Gospel as, well, clever propaganda.


I hear you: I needed a mongo attitude adjustment. Maybe I should have watched more “Oprah” and hung out with that Australian chick, Rhonda Byrne (who reinvented the law of attraction in her mini-film “The Secret“), because they seem to have the gratitude thing down much better than I. Now I can clearly see all of my blessings, and every muscle, organ, and cell of this body thanks you.

I feel pretty crappy about losing my faith so many times in my black days. Right here and right now, I should promise you that I’ll never lose it again. But you know, and I know, and your mother knows (and we may as well throw in St. Therese), that I will probably be tempted (more than once) to give up on you again. (My mom should have named me Judas?) It’s kind of the nature of the disease (depression). Or am I making excuses?


Would it make you feel better if I told you that I freak out on Eric and my mom and my best friends all the time, too? I accuse them of not caring even though the evidence tells me otherwise. I guess I take out my anger on the people closest to me. And I figure you can handle it, being God and everything.

So, here’s the deal. I will try to be a lower-maintenance creature for you, and not demand so much of your attention and favors. (I realize you got six billion of us on Earth, and possibly life elsewhere to contend with.) Being the stage-four people (or God) pleaser that I am, I want so badly to give you delight (even though I’ve heard that you love each and every one of us, even the whiny nuts). So I will try to remember to trust you in everything, to remember that just because things don’t make sense (or are downright ugly) doesn’t mean you don’t love me or have given up on us down here.


Again, I just wanted to say thank you. Being able to laugh again is true bliss, an appetizer of heaven (if, you know, I’m headed that way). Your creature, William Styron (who is now with you, right?) wrote this as his last paragraph in his memoir, “Darkness Visible,” which brilliantly articulates what I’m trying to say with all this babble:

“For those who have dwelt in depression’s dark wood, and know its inexplicable agony, their return from the abyss is not unlike the ascent of the poet, trudging upward and upward out of hell’s black depths and at last emerging into what he saw as ‘the shining world.’ There, whoever has been restored to health has almost always been restored to the capacity for serenity and joy, and this may be indemnity enough for having endured the despair beyond despair.”


That’s his elaboration of your third Beatitude, or maybe it’s his thank-you note to you. Now you have at least two to stick into your Easter basket, next to the Peeps, jelly beans, and Humpty Dumpty (cracked) eggs. And speaking of Easter, God, thank you for mine. Much love to you and the Holy Family.

The High-Maintenance Bipolar Lady Who Loves to Laugh

  • Anonymous

    I really liked that one. It sounds a lot like what I have been through lately.

  • Anonymous


  • Terry

    Thank you for blogging your prayer today. This is a beautiful expression of your relationship to Him. “You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned?” Matt 5:13
    The earth is “seasoned” by God through believers. Thank you for “passing the salt”…

  • Larry Parker

    Easter as rebirth … (http://)

  • Lee Silber

    Dear Brothers & Sisters, do you of any company in the world,that has invented,or hs a brain chemical machine,that alters the brain chemistry-of the deprssed individual-so they can be in a state of euphoria all the time? Please let me know. Love,Lee

  • B.

    I just wanted to comment on the whole “law of attraction” thing. It is true and it works and it works all of the time… The thing is that you have to become conscious of your subconscious beliefs, which is where the law of attraction really works (your subconscious beliefs)… What people end up figuring out later is that sometimes their subconscious beliefs do not match up to what they consciously want….
    Also, to answer Lee’s question…..
    I only know of a process that works with people on the subconscious level, so they can experience permanent changes and begin to experience more joy, that is lasting. According to Louise Hay, depression stems from feeling hopeless, and also feeling anger that you do not feel you have a right to have.
    When these issues are addressed internally, the depressed individual can begin to experience the joy that was lacking in their lives.
    You can find out more about this process at

  • Barbara formerly Babs

    The perfect post for me today.

  • Christine

    My heart sings with joyful filled songs. As below,so above. thank you
    for sharing.
    Peace unto you

  • Larry Parker

    A simple question:
    Will the law of attraction cure people with depression? (Or any other chronic illness.)
    A simple yes or no will do.

  • linda

    what a beautiful article Theresa. I had a really God-blessed Easter too with me and my family too. we had a FEAST at my brother;s new house which both of which are very nice!

  • Linda

    Haven’t read in a while, so glad I did. Therese, hang in there and what you described about the kids dyeing the eggs says it all. Society has us on the endless search for happiness and you found it in that moment. Good for you, keep it up! I’m rooting for you (and me!).

  • Margaret Balyeat

    Some of my favorite memories of my son’s “little: years revolve around either holiday traditions or bath time. Somehow they seem to become even less inhibited than children already are when they’re “squeaky clean and are apt to say or do nearly anything. Wish you’d been video-ready to capture Catherine’s little dance; it sounds as if was feeling “footloose!”, a place it’s much more difficult for growups to visi, No wonder your spontaneous laughter caught her unawares, all to often the words “adult and “spontaneous” seem to be mutually exclusive!


    T- This is a wonderful article. I had such mixed emotions as I readit. You sound as though you allowed the kid in you to play the day you and yours died easter eggs. My heart wrenched for you knowing the battle you have with the illness from hell. I too have been there on more than one occassion. All one has to do is read my profile and will get a clear picture of my empathy. You are so blessed to have a job from home, beautiful, talented and witty children and last but not least; a loving, supportive, nurturing, forgiving, husband.
    god bless

  • Pat

    Happy Easter to you Therese. You are a blessing beyond imagination.
    I wish I could talk to you every day. Your comments are always right on the mark. I have so much to be thankful for this Easter but I am also in the darkest moments of my life also. If you can understand that, you are truly a wonderful person. I wish I could feel this way every moment of every day; but I wouldn’t enjoy the good moments if I did not have the bad ones.
    My version of all this “crappy depression” is that it is not who I really am inside. God created me this way for a reason! For whatever this reason is I don’t know. But I have to trust Him in all things. He cares about the birds in the sky and their colors so why shouldn’t he care about me so much more as his child.

  • Leslie


  • Stephanie

    Funniest thing…I went to a Good Friday play last night that was about the exact same thing– giving up on God during difficult times. It was about a loss of faith and then return to it. Your blog just reminded me (a sufferer of postpartum depression, anxiety and extreme panic attacks) not to give up on God to come through. Have a Happy Easter Theresa. Thanks for being so candid with your thoughts and prayers.

  • cakemix

    thanks so much for such a lovely post – made me smile on a day i feel glued to the sofa…hugs x

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