Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

New Year’s Resolutions for Pets

I am publishing this from my archives today because I’m taking the day off!
Thanks to Beyond Blue reader Nancy for this laugh!!!
New Year’s Resolutions for Pets
15. I will not eat other animals’ poop.
14. I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND

  • Margaret Balyeat

    ROTFFL!!! aNYONE WHO’S EVER OWNED A PET CAN RELATE TO THESE, BUT HONESTLY, SOME OF THE RESOLUTIONS WE HUMANS TEND TO MAKE ARE EQUALLY (IF NOT MORE) REDICULOUS!! anyone know where or when that custom began? guess it’s internet serach time again, cause I HAVE to knoww…I can’t last another ten minutes if I don’t fibd out…If I don’t know by bedtime, i’ll have even WORSE nightmares!!!! Happy New year, everybody!!!

  • Larry Parker

    Dachshunds are notoriously coprophagic (see #15 and #14).
    Mercifully, mine isn’t :-)
    Happy New Year, all!

  • Stardustiam

    Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha!Ha! Happy New Year!

  • susan

    Oh Brilliant. My cat puts her head in the fridge though! I wonder if she is part dog.
    I just did a thing on cats being depressed in the winter months if you want to use this Therese. I will use this next year….. \
    Happy New Year to you and all your readers- and their wonderful friends in fur.

  • Your Name

    Hi Therese,
    I hope you see this. I read in your profile that you can’t respond to everyone – but I think you said you check all your comments here. I have been coming to Bnet since 2005. I may have changed my screen name once or twice over the years attempting for a second chance to fit in better and make a friend or two but that has never happened. I have all sorts of minor problems and have tried all sorts of self help and therapists with no luck. I’ve always had problems my whole life but it’s a downward spiral that gets worse every day. Eveytime I think it’s looking up I end up going downwards again. I keep hoping for rock bottom but that never comes. It’s like an abyss. It’s not a preception. It’s real. I have a daughter, 19 months old, and I want her to be normal. I have no friends. I try moms groups and all sorts of things but it’s always fake and fleeting and in the end, I have absolutely no one. I’m used to rejection and I’m used to being all by myself so I’m not the type person who would try to occupy all your time but I was just wondering if you would consider corresponding with me a little bit because I think we have some things in common by what I’ve read that you’ve written through the years. A lot of people here on Bnet come and go. Something always happens and they abandon me. And it hurts even though it’s only over the computer and not the real world. It hurts the same way the real world does. I was just wondering if you would be interested in talking to me from time to time. I sure could use a friend and I would try to be a good to you. My email is
    Hope to hear from you,

  • Rosiglow

    THANK YOU all so much I really needed the colorful takes on the world I just got. My “boarding” house for friendly critters and I feel much better. I can go crawl back on my favorite recliner and call the layers of furry friends back on top. From bottom to top Under the Red lap blanket at my knees is a very insecure Chihuahua and a know it all Rat Terrier. Next floor up on moms soft shelf is the old grouchy toothless long haired black (OK so he’s now grey) cat in all his grumpy old man glory sprinkled around are the last 3 kittens from the deceased neighbors litter of 8 and we all wish you a very happy new year

  • blanche

    I laughed until I almost peed my pants. Reminds me of our dog, Sparkie, who passed at age 18. He was famous for eating poop out of the cats’ litter boxes. Sigh. I miss him, tho’. Blessings to all.

  • Carla

    Did you follow our German Shepherd around?? I never laughed so hard, she does all these things, but you forgot one, keeping out of the garbage can

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