Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Dear God: Do You Have a Minute?

posted by Beyond Blue

I realize this is the week we are technically supposed to be grateful. But continuing with the theme of yesterday’s vent, I thought I’d publish a letter I wrote to God awhile back. One way I pray to God is by venting, yelling at him, accusing him of a bad creation job. And as I said yesterday, I think this indicates that God and I have a good, healthy relationship–a real and organic one that involves lots of bickering and arguing. Here’s my letter:

Dear God,

It’s me, Therese (not Margaret). I hate to be a white, whiny, ungrateful pest (I’ve been called that before). But I’m feeling a bit like Job (you know, from the Bible).

First I’ve got this bipolar thing that almost killed me last year and is apparently mine to deal with for the rest of my life. On my bad days, depression shrinks and kills brain cells in the prefrontal cortex of my brain (of course you already know this)–which could mean that I’ll be getting more and more stupid with every year. And these volatile moods don’t exactly foster intimacy between a husband and wife, or facilitate mothering two needy preschoolers, one borderline special-needs with explosive outbursts at the top of every hour.

Then I’ve got this growth in my pituitary gland (a.k.a. brain tumor), which messed up my hormones enough to make me lactate like the overzealous cow on the Horizon dairy trucks (although I did consider becoming a wet nurse if the writing thing didn’t happen.) The meds I take to shrink the growth bloat me so badly that David keeps asking me when his baby brother is due. And at my last visit to the endocrinologist, she told me that my Arnold-Schwarzenegger testosterone levels suggest that I might have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), a cyst-manufacturing operation right there in my ovaries, and sent me to get an echocardiogram (to see if I could start meds for the brain tumor), which, of course, showed a leaking, abnormal aortic valve in my left, no right, oh that’s right I only have one, heart.

But God, the real killer was this afternoon, when a chiropractor told me that it’s no wonder my right hip is sore because my entire right side is shorter than my left. He recommended that I not run for a long while, until the right and left sides of my body reconcile and shake hands–like a bipartisan Congress.

Not run?

For a quarter of a century I have, in “Forrest Gump” style, run off all my frustrations and anger and sadness and loneliness and despair and confusion. The year of the Great Depression I ran over 1,600 miles (the distance from Boston to Tampa)–talking to you, your mother, and St. Therese to keep me company. Running is my “go to,” my salvation now that I gave up booze, smoking, caffeine (okay, not really), sugar (I try to anyway), and all my negative vices.

Not run?

You must have mistaken me for another woman, an even-tempered chick with far more patience. I am what you call a mentally ill addict with issues as tall as your pearly gates. I depend on things here on earth until I see (at least I hope to) your face in heaven. And in trying to avoid all mood-altering substances, I choose constructive habits like running, which make my brain very happy.

I’m curious, God. Did I do something bad in a past life? Are you angry with me about something? Can we talk about it?

I know that I am far more blessed than 99.9 percent of the world. Don’t even get me started on everything I have to be grateful for. Oprah and friends remind me every day. I know, I know, I know, and that only makes me feel worse. Like I suck at one more thing: gratitude.

I was just wondering if you could maybe take it a bit slower with all these “character building” exercises. I need a little time to recover before you pop out the next surprise.

Thanks so much,

The bipolar lady with brain tumor, abnormal aortic valve, and short right side

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.



  • blanche

    Therese, God has given you a greater purpose than you thought you had then. Besides swimming and biking (healthy and good for you), he’s given you a great sense of humor, and, more importantly, the talent of this blog. Your writing skills are astronomical, and the information you give us depressives and “bi-polars” is a life-saver to us. When you’re having a crummy day, think of all of us posting our positive comments, because we truly love you. Hugs & Kisses, blanche

  • V

    Thank you Therese for your sense of humor. I was feeling crummy today. I feel I just lost the only sincere friend I have in the world. It’s most likely my fault and the fault of my bipolar disorder. Perhaps I can follow your example and vent to God the way you did. God bless you.

  • Maria

    I’m right there with ya’ babe!

  • marilyn

    they always say God doesnt but more opn us than we can handle but i wonder also if he could share with some others out there my shouldes are starting to get weak.all jokeing aside i understand how you feel.thanks for shareing.

  • Dreamer2

    That was helpful…let’s me know that my problems are very minor!! Trust that God knows and will come through. In the meantime, you are a blessing to others. Thanks!!

  • http://community.beliefnet.com/sqpumpernickle sqpumernickle

    After my son was stillborn, I did a lot of yelling at God. It was a little scary since I’d been taught that one does not address The Holy One that way. Well, in the time since, I’ve also tried not talking to Him at all and found that was a worse alternative. I think He prefers being yelled at to silence. Someone once said that the opposite of love isn’t hate but indifference. It is true of relationships between people. It is also true of one’s relationship with God. So, if the need arises, yell away at Him. And after you are done venting and worn yourself out, listen closely for His response. You may learn something you haven’t considered.
    sqpumpernickle

  • MJ

    Have you tried one insole in one shoe on the shorter side? My husband has one leg slightly shorter than the other and a single drugstore insole in the short side’s shoe made him comfortable again. Not a doc, but you don’t want to stop running.

  • Your Name

    My Dear Therese: One of the greatest things I admire about you is your ability to say clearly, plainly and perfectly what so many of us really think. You know, we can all find people who tell us how we should approach God but sometimes it’s not possible to approach God “perfectly” (My quotation marks are intentional). You know what, sometimes what get’s put in our lives is absolutely a pain in the ass and, frankly I hate it when everyone else reminds me what my approach to God should be. So when someone comes to me with that sugary sweet smile and the droopy corner of a sympathetic eye, don’t bother. However, if you really want to make me feel better, tell me the truth. This sucks and I don’t know what to do about it or what to say. Tell me that it’s ok to vent to you and then stand back because it better not be a hollow invitation. Then, maybe, the healing can begin and what God wants for me might come through. Fortunately for me, he’s more patient than I am. Frank

  • Your Name

    Just be compassionate with yourself and others all the way to meeting God as Jesus was and is still…

  • http://www.monicamariejones.com Monica Marie Jones

    Thank you. It’s nice to know that no matter what you are going through…you are not alone.

  • http://www.xixian.com chine
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