Beyond Blue

I’ve never attempted suicide. I’ve never been hospitalized. I go to work nearly every day and support a large family. I’ve taken my meds regularly for the past 17 years without fail. I don’t forget. I can’t forget. The cost would be too high.
I got through high school as an overachiever. Started college at 16. Graduated University of California in less than 4 years. Then made my first real mistake in marrying my first husband.
Having children sent my depression into overdrive and I had my first episodes of real serious mixed mania. My condition grew worse over the next 15 years while still trying to hold down a teaching job and raise three daughters.
My mania culminated in having an affair and being quite indiscriminate not only with myself, but with my money, my time and my words.
I got divorced.
I finally found a real psychiatrist, not a general practitioner, who diagnosed me (about 3 years ago) and after a trial of meds and a month off of work, I was back on my feet.
That was followed by a trial of depression which nearly had me in shock therapy. Thank God we found the right meds and I’ve been in remission for 6 weeks now.
I’ve been teaching students with mental illness for the past 10 years, and even though sometimes I was worse off then my students, I’m grateful that I could make a difference in their lives.

I am Jane Doe representing thousands of people who live their crazy lives in a sane world and manage to pull it off most of the time.
I listen to music like Density’s Child’s “Survivor” and Gladys Knight singing “I’ve got to keep holding on”. I read the Dalai Lama and learn about Right Thinking. I rely on the Bible to remind me about the sacrifice that was made for me. I remind myself that my paycheck pays the mortgage and I press on. There is no other choice for me. I press on. The responsibility I feel is palpable.
I believe if Jesus calls me to get out of the boat, He is going to be there to help me walk on the water.
To read more Beyond Blue, go to, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

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