Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


A Little Anger Is Good

posted by Beyond Blue

I think I’m getting stronger. I may in fact be growing in my recovery from depression and anxiety and addiction.
Because I’m getting angrier more often.
For a long time, I had no temper because I never demanded respect for myself. I didn’t like myself. So whatever anyone was willing to give me was much appreciated.
But lately anger is chomping away at my insides, just like Cecilia Munoz writes about in her poignant essay “Getting Angry Can Be a Good Thing,” one of NPR’s “This, I Believe” collection of commentaries:

Anger has a way, though, of hollowing out your insides. In my first job, if we helped 50 immigrant families in a day, the faces of the five who didn’t qualify haunted my dreams at night. When I helped pass a bill in Congress to help Americans reunite with their immigrant families, I could only think of my cousin who didn’t qualify and who had to wait another decade to get her immigration papers.
It’s like that every day. You have victories but your defeats outnumber them by far, and you remember the names and faces of those who lost. I still have the article about the farm worker who took his life after we lost a political fight. I have not forgotten his name – and not just because his last name was the same as mine. His story reminds me of why I do this work and how little I can really do.
I am deeply familiar with that hollow place that outrage carves in your soul. I’ve fed off of it to sustain my work for many years. But it hasn’t eaten me away completely, maybe because the hollow place gets filled with other, more powerful things like compassion, faith, family, music, the goodness of people around me. These things fill me up and temper my outrage with a deep sense of gratitude that I have the privilege of doing my small part to make things better.

I think something is happening in the process of writing Beyond Blue, and as a result of all the work I’m doing in counseling and in recovery groups. I’m starting to think that I’m worth more than the crumbs I get in some of my relationships—that I should ask for a little more in my friendships, because the giving is a tad greater than the taking. I’m guessing that if a person insults me that I shouldn’t feel obliged to be her friend; and that my best friend (besides my husband and God) can actually be me. In fact, even if everyone woke up tomorrow and everyone—even the Starbucks barista–hated my guts, I could still treat myself with respect. Because I am owed respect.
“I believe that a little outrage can take you a long way,” Cecilia Munoz writes. Now that I’m this codependent people-pleaser is beginning to fill up her center, I can see how Munoz is right.
Outrage. That’s what I’m after. To love and believe in myself so much so that I am outraged when people treat me without respect.
Amen.
To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.



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Libby

posted June 12, 2008 at 10:22 am


Amen is right. I am not sure that I feel that I am “owed” respect but I certainly feel that I deserve no less than the level of respect with which I treat others. Not that “deserving” is that far from “owing”…it is just more palatable for me, I suppose. Treating myself with respect is my struggle.



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m

posted June 12, 2008 at 12:32 pm


You were created by our Gracious Heavenly Father.
You are a forgiven Child of God.
” I’m OK.
God doesn’t make junk”
It’s always best to rid ourselves of the toxic people in our lives. We are not obligated in any way to hang around those who treat us like crap.
Bernie Siegel, M.D. says it best. ” God told us to love our enemies, but He didn’t say anything about having to like them. ”
We love you and accept you as you are.



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jeramy

posted June 12, 2008 at 2:51 pm


this one is tough for us passive aggressive types. good encouragement though.



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D.Cohen

posted June 12, 2008 at 7:05 pm


Therese a little anger? what’s a little anger to some? an explosion. That’s what I hear in Family Court. “I got a little angry and when she got too close to me I pushed her back” when he pushed her back she lost her balance, fell down and fractured her neck…That’s getting ‘a little angry’ to some when they feel disrespected. Same words all of the time: “Disrespect” “he,she, it, disrespected me and I taught him, her, it a lesson” “he,she, it, ought to know I’m the customer or I’m the boss around here”
Do you realize the weight of your words Therese? Fragile egos reading your blog will now feel it’s ok to get angry, that’s loving yourself, isn’t it? Therese said so!
It’s one thing to be assertive when someone has violated our boundaries, it’s another to be aggressive or to get OUTRAGED.
You need to redefine OUTRAGE, give some examples and some limitations, tell us what reacting with anger or getting OUTRAGED encompass, DO’s and DON’T's, please!
Making a fool of ourselves when we feel disrespeted doesn’t solve anything, it only brings you more aggravation. It may even force you to stay away from your local Starsbuck’s or you’ll have to take your business elsewhere, a few miles away, not good nowadays with the high price of gas.
Speak up and state your case calmly and assertively…you’ll find out for the most part people will listen to you, if you keep your cool. When and if they become huffy, then stop it right there and ask to speak to their supervisor. If at home or among friends, also speak up and draw the line, end the toxic friendship, marriage, partnership. Above all don’t get OUTRAGED, maybe ‘a little indignant’ would do the job. Outrage and anger aren’t good for the mind and the soul.



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Cass

posted June 12, 2008 at 7:11 pm


I don’t feel I’m entitled to receive in the same measure I give. Sometimes people are very friendly to me and I don’t react in kind. Other times is the opposit. We’re all different.
When someone is rude, I tell them so or ask them what is bothering them ’cause they are not coming through the right way. Some will get outraged. There are those always looking for offense, when none has been given or was instended. Why make things more difficult that they already are. Speak up, say how and what you feel, don’t shout, don’t get outraged, it would only hurt you.
Bum advice Therese…



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Larry Parker

posted June 12, 2008 at 7:51 pm


Therese:
I don’t think either of your columnists was endorsing anger. I think they were just saying mental health involves the full expression of human emotion, and humans certainly get angry. (And sometimes rightly so, as Cecilia Munoz talked about how injustice makes her angry, as it makes me angry too.)
But I think what you’re talking about in finding your way with people who treat you as a doormat is a combination of assertiveness, self-confidence, and boundaries. Not anger.
Now, a little righteous anger can certainly be a **tool** to use with such human parasites (again, expressing the gamut of human emotion). But I think the warning that anger often leads to physical violence — and, as your blogger friend Doc noted, that particularly heated words can be a kind of violence without fists, too — needs to be heeded.
(Spoken as someone who has battled my own temper since before I was in kindergarten.)



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Marie (Belleo)

posted June 12, 2008 at 11:16 pm


Therese , thank you for that article . Respect is important . I use to think it was okay to accept insults . I guess my upbringing told me to be a martyr . Catholics overdid that fifty years ago . Respect matters , respect of our children and people in general . And anger used properly I agree with . Marie



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Shauna

posted June 13, 2008 at 12:44 am


Therese, thank you for the link to that article. I found it very helpful (also the article she links to on CNN by Mark Epstein). Most of my life I’ve struggled with feeling like anger is a personal failing or a sin or just out and out not allowed! For me, I believe this helped to feed my depression. I’ve learned in therapy about this idea of rupture and repair being a part of healthy relationships. Not raging on people, or using temper as an excuse to be hurtful, but for me, anger often has an important message from my psyche that something hurts or needs tending to.



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christy

posted June 13, 2008 at 1:50 pm


A little anger is good, the problem with me was when i finally started to let the anger out, it just kept coming like i was at war with, well the person who had caused me pain for so many years. Anyway for the last year I seemed to have found any thing i could to be angry about and to find a way to express that anger, and sometimes it just got plain ugly! I have finally realized that yes I have found my voice, but at what cost? We are now in the process of separating. Which I should have done years ago. So I am torn, i know the anger saved me by giving me my voice back, however, i now have to forgive myself for the pain i have caused??
So, like a previous post I would love some guide lines on anger too? what is healthy and what is not? When is it ok to express? or should we just walk away? I know we all know what we are supposed to do, but some of us who are trying to recover do need to fight for are rights so what are OUR guidelines??



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Barbara formerly Babs

posted June 13, 2008 at 3:37 pm


Christy –
I’ll venture a few thoughts. You mention stored-up anger. To me, that is the most destructive. It brings up the past when it is the present you are dealing with. It also can pull a litany of gripes, when just dealing with one, would be enough. In my marriage, I would let something pass that should have been brought up at the time and dealt with in a constructive manner.
Another thought: put your anger where it belongs. If you are fed-up with your spouse, don’t take it out on the kids, or the bagger at the supermarket who put a bag of potatoes in with the chips. Yet another: admit when you are wrong – it isn’t a sign of weakness. Finally, remember that you don’t make your point when you put the other person on the defensive by attacking.
These were all learned the hard way, but the marriage is still intact and growing after thirty years.



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Holly

posted June 13, 2008 at 8:44 pm


Thank you so much for this post. I read Beyond Blue every day, but never have responded in writing. I think I’m at a similar place as you. I remember, before I got sidetracked in my recovery years ago, I had this inspiration that anger is an angel. This angel is a fierce one! She points a stern (not a mean) finger, and says, Something is wrong here. Pay attention. After a long time, she’s saying it again to me: pay attention. Something needs to be changed. I love this angel I call Anger. Mostly, I think, she is saying to me, You matter. It’s important to act like it. She’s helping me be more active, and more effective. I feel what’s wrong in my heart, and she tells me I must do something about it; I can’t intellectualize, as I have for so long now, and so deaden what I’m really feeling about myself or those I’m close to or what I hear and see is going on in the world. My relationships, particularly with myself, are improving. I’m believing, in bits and pieces, that I can have the relationships I want with myself, with others and with God. Anger is showing me when I’m off track, or fooling myself about what’s really going on, and Anger is allowing me to hope.



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marilyn

posted June 15, 2008 at 10:31 pm


therese that about the point i am at in my life.always accepting the way people treated me now i get angry when i dont get respect a whole new emotion to work on.



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Susan

posted June 16, 2008 at 9:40 am


Thank you so much for this post! Just this past week, I felt as if I was being lambasted by my family, a man I’m seeing hasn’t called all week, and I’m unemployed. To say the least, I’m not feeling good about myself these days! A few years ago, I had decided to try, with everything I have, not to respond to negative, rude people. So, I’d just not respond when someone would say something horrible to me, or when someone tried to start an argument. This worked, but for me, holding it in was not healthy. I decided in the past month not to surround myself with negative people, if someone tried to pick a fight with me, or began to insult me, to just walk away. This proved to be difficult at times, particularly with family, but you know what? It works! My anger is clear, as I’ve walked away, but a bigger problem or argument did not ensue, because I no longer allow myself to be sucked in to bad situations. My anger is clear, because I leave. More insults aren’t thrown my way, because I’m not there to hear them. Is this the correct way to respond? I don’t know yet, but I know I feel relief when I’m out of the situation and painful words aren’t spoken, because I don’t allow them to be spoken. Anger cannot be bottled up inside because when one is pushed over the edge, it all comes flooding out. Deal with it the best way you can when you feel anger, and hopefully, it won’t fester for longer than anyone should allow it to.



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Karen

posted June 16, 2008 at 10:36 am


I just couldn’t take the loud responses and swearing from my son’s father anymore just because he was in a mood. I told him to leave the home because it was my haven and only place of peace. It can be hectic at work and crazy in the streets or in traffic but I refuse to have to be verbally abused in my own home and my 6 year old son to be witness to his crazy behavior. I got mad enough to not deal with an adult having a tantrum. You can’t scream alone and if you do, you look like the idiot and my conclusion was he wanted a sparing partner and I got angry enough to stop playing into it. My son doesn’t have to see both parents as my mother would say “acting the fool”. If anybody has a partner that likes to yell, realize that you have good hearing and get mad enough to say I hear you and if you want to continue this conversation can you please tone it down and leave out the swearing adjectives.



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van

posted June 16, 2008 at 11:41 am


tHIS ARTICLE HAS REALLY HELP ME ITS OK TO BE ANGRY BUT WHAT WE DO WITH OUR ANGER IS MOST IMPORTANT.lEARNING TO EMBRACE WHO i AM AND THA TI DO GET ANGRY IS NEW TO ME IN A NUMBER OF WAYS.tHANKS



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Sonjanique

posted June 16, 2008 at 11:55 am


Thanks for posting your story, because I feel like that at times and I am always trying to help people and sometimes the ones who are unappreciative and just there to use you, make you feel really crudy at times. they never say thanks and always seem to have something negative to say about you and they don’t have their thoughts or their lives together. So I want to say thank you for the inspiration you gave me with your story. It let me no tho keep up the good work and keep moving forward. Respect means alot and that I do respect myself. With out respecting myself I dont think I would be able to help myself. So with much love and faith of well being, God bless you for reminding of my daily duties.



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nosy

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:07 pm


I have found out the source of my discontent, the source of my frustration: lack of self-respect and assertiveness in my dealings with family members. I have been raised by people who consider themselves to be sterling Christians. Let me remind you how effective a weapon Christianity is to control, guilt trip and manipulate people to get people to do what you want them to.
For years I have been trying to please my parents and gain their approval in every way i knew how: be serious about my faith, be prayerful, do chores around the house, be a good hostess to guests, take care of my expenses, do my own bankwork, make my own decisions. But has any of this achieved its objective? Have I been able to earn the respect and autonomy that I deserve?
No.
I must do what they want me to, the exact way they want me to, at the exact time it’s convenient for them to have it done, and I must also subject myself to being spoken to as though i were a pampered disappointing child, and having no say or status in this house. This is the most galling aspect of it all. If I do this much, there must be more that I could have done. I must be happy and content to watch while my (much) younger siblings continue in the most slothful and indisciplined lifestyle, and be told that I am ‘no one’ to take them to task. If there are dishes to be done, I should do them, if there are counters to be cleaned or things to be put away, I am expected to do it, without being told. But I have no corresponding authority in the house. I must be content with responsibility without rights. I should be content to be constantly manipulated by my mother who is too proud to make specific requests for help. There must be guilt-tripping, blaming, denunciation, ridiculing and the setting of one sibling against another. Being told that I am the “worst of the ‘children’” (I’ll be 30 in 2 months), that I have set a bad example to the younger ones (22 and 24). They have not gone to church in 4 years. Neither has the older one (I wonder who set an example for her?) I do not remember the last time I got out of bed at 2 pm. And yet I am subjected to taunts, manipulations and persecution from every family member. My father has been regularly brainwashed every night by my mother, having to hear how lazy and disrespectful I am. There’s no winning with these Christian people.
A i wrong to feel angry? How and when should I stand up for myself?



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Sonja Silas

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:10 pm


Even as a child, I have had these symptoms. Now that I am an adult, I still have alot of those symptoms. I have been to doctors and mental health. I tell them my symptoms, and they treat me for depression only. I have bipolar and I cant get what I need to help. Does anyone know what I need to do to get the right treatment? Or a doctor that will understand? I live in Laurens, SC. Thanks, Sonja Silas



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Brandy

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:12 pm


Wow, what a great response to this subject. It breaks my heart to know that there are so many that have been stripped of their confidence and ability to stand up for themselves. I was in an eleven year marriage which turned into just that. We were leaving for good. Divorce was something I was not fearful about anymore, it was us or him. It has been two and a half years now and myself along with my now ten year old daughter are recovering nicely. I will not candy coat it as being an easy journey, but if we all just put our faith in the true Father, it will help soften the harshness that was once in place. Respect is something we all as individuals deserve and no one has the right to treat us as any less. I will include you gentle soles in my prayers and continued self discovery. A-men
Sincerely submitted~~~~



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Juanita

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:24 pm


The last couple of sentences hit me the hardest. “Outrage.That’s what I’m after. To love and believe in myself so much that I’m outraged when people treat me without respect.” If your anything like me you try to get along with others. Until one day you look up and you’ve become them:angry, bitter, miserable. But deep down inside you know this isn’t you. But your so far in the hole you can’t figure out how to get out or it takes so much out of you mentally you start to wonder,”why bother?” There comes a time when you have to realize that enough is enough and you must muster up the strength to carry on and leave the baggage behind. Thanx for the article. I’m starting to notice the sun shining in my neck of the woods again!



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Brandy

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:30 pm


Hi Nosy:
I feel for your frustrations. I have had such feelings in my earlier years that no matter how hard I tried my relatives were never satisfied.
I want to give you something…The walk you take with “God” is a Personal journey…there is not a living being on this earth without sin who can judge you…I cannot justify the behavior in your elders, but, old school has a pin-hole view of the big picture of the Lords everlasting love and forgiveness.
You sound to have a strong faith in “God” and his word, so my advice would be keep strong in our Lord’s way and he will never steer you wrong…
Saying a prayer for you as I write, God be with these gentle caring soles that they may have the strength to be your servants tried and true. A-men.



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Cathy

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:48 pm


To the person who wrote about having to do everything, yet you feel unappreciated. As an only child growing up in a household with two parents that were very controling I understand how you feel. Yes, I had to do all the house work, take care of the animals, plus yard work and clean the swimming pool. Yes, I was even a nurse maid for my mother when she came home after surgery. Yes, we had many of loud fights in our household between my mother & father. And yes, I too never stood up for myself. Once I moved away from home many things changed. They soon realized the maid wasn’t there to clean the house, the yard didn’t get mowed, and the animals didn’t feed themselves. And yes, even the pool did clean it self either. When I was called to see when I would come to do this. I explained I was too busy working 2-3 jobs and putting myself through college to help. I suggested they hire their themself a maid and yard person. After I was gone for awhile they realized I wasn’t a bad person after all and they actually missed me. They realized how much I did and realized how little the appreciated my hard work. I was often told I was a rotten kid. Yet, I never got into touble, drank or did drugs. I was home when I was surpose today and never ever got into any trouble at school or with the law. Yet, I was the rotten kid.
Years later my parents realized what a saint I truly was and am today. they realized after I moved out that I was actually the perfect kid. One of my older step brothers did drugs, drank and was in/out of jail on a regular basis. His brother was a good kid but, disowned his parents yearly on. My father at age 80 died with me and only me at his side. I was the only one who loved and cared for him. His 2 sons didn’t come to visit him when he was be called by God. I was the one who took my mother in my arms when he was gone. Where was everyone else? Now here, it’s been a year since his passing during the last year I have had to take over. I have to pay the bills for my mother, I take her to Doctor’s, I’m the one to visit and check on her. And to make sure she is in good shape. I’m the one the one who was unappreciated years ago to be the appreciated now. I’m the one who has taken control and learned to be strong to handle what God has pasted on. I’m the one that is well respected for who I am and what I am because I learned how to deal with lifes most difficult times. I was being prepard for what lies ahead all my life. God took my daugher from me when she was a baby, yet I was strong enough to handle and know that God Loved her so much that he wanted her to be with him. Then God took my father and left me to care for my mother. Once again I have to be strong. Today, I have a 16year and a 2year old along with a spouse and two mothers to care for. Yet, I am strong because God prepared me for the worst. My mother has dementia and my mother in-law has a bad heart. Yet, the rotten kids takes care of if all. Hang in there you will be appreciated one day because you will be the strong one!



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Angela

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:56 pm


I just wanted to post my comments you all not alone when it comes to people your own family members people who you give so much respect to I called it a stabe in your back because it really hurts you give so much respect & love to them and that’s the thanks we get but remember we don’t have to be ugly & disrespectful because that how they live there life but they also have to answer to GOD and thats all that matters even though we be the ones ended up hurt & anger I have this around me everyday but I have to break away from it because it’s not doing me any good & I know I don’t deserve it either…..Just stay strong and give it to GOD and he will see each and everyone else through it all………Peace



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Mary Gross

posted June 16, 2008 at 2:04 pm


I have been used by people all my life. My mother used me as her slave all my life until I left home(my therapist diagnosed). She left my father when I was 10 yrs old. She said to me, “ou look like your no good father, and you’re going to be just like him.” I carried that scar , and still carries it. I second guess myself sometimes. There are things I know I can do without any effort, but I go through a lot of changes doing them. I have been seeing a therapist and psychologist since 1992. I have been on antidepressants, anxiety, and bipolar medicine. I really do not think the therapist I am seeing now is sure of what is wrong with me. I know there is something wrong with me, and I am afraid. Afraid because people are beginning to actually get on my nerves, and I am afraid of what I might do. I remember when my sister-in-law was lying on me, and i had an out-of-body experience. I don’t remember walking across the room, and yoking her by the throat. I was choaking her to her death. My brother just stood there until he saw that i was in a rage. He then tried to take my hands from around her throat. It took him awhile. I reported it to my doctor’s office the next morning. I was scared. The nurse said it was not my fault, I was at my end. Sometimes I feel like that now. I feel like that towards some of these kids out here(that think they’re grown) when that mouth off and do not show respect for their elders. I do not know how to talk about these things to my psychologist. I am not crazy, and I am not staying in the hospital so people can say harsh things abot me(like when I was in for stress and “burnout”). My family did not understand what it was all about. They still don’t understand me. They don’t believe me when I talk about some of things that their mother did to me.



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trish73

posted June 16, 2008 at 2:45 pm


Reading the above, makes me think I am reading about myself. My mother is gone, now, and for some odd reason, I feel almost like I’m guilty of something. I have four daughters, and raised a fifth. Since my husband died, 16 years ago, I was still working, and I didn’t have too much trouble from them. Now, only one of them, speaks to me. They all like to call me “LIAR,” and things like that. I was in a bad accident, fractured my sternum, my wrist, and banged up my leg. Number 5, and her husband begged me to come stay with them. I finally did, when the husband came to my house. I was in so much pain, I got out of bed, and went with him. I was there just a few weeks, and my house was brought up. Why don’t I sell it? At first, I said no, then, #5, and husband, said, you can take the money and build on to their house. I did, I was in that room, about 4 months, when she(#5)told me to get out, her husband wanted me out. The next night, I stayed in that room, I wasn’t sleeping, just crying, and that night, I got up to get some ice water, from the fridge, and fainted. I don’t know how long I was out, but, I came to, when, I felt cold air on me. I could hardly walk without holding onto the furniture, I got back into bed, finally. I was taken to the hospital the next afternoon, where I was ex-rayed, and had two broken ribs. The E.R. doctor let me go back, and the next morning, he called me, I was in such pain, he said, he wanted me to come back, I have 4 broken ribs, one almost pierced my lung. I was in the hospital, and taken to the rehab, for a total of just over a month.When I was released, not one of my daughters would take me in. I ended up in a strangers house, where I paid rent on the ice cold room, I was in. I was there, for a month. then I bought a modular home, (Manufactured) I moved in, and then, noone was speaking to me. I got a lawyer, to try to get some of my money back, and one of my daughters came up to the mediation, to try to say bad things about me. for #5, and her husband. Now, mediation is going to be this Wednesday, or next Wednesday, and that daughter is going to be there, too. Although, she wasn’t there, when #5 told me to get out. Please pray for me, and ask the Holy Spirit to be with me, during this terrible time.



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Pat

posted June 16, 2008 at 3:20 pm


Hi everyone. I guess this anger can be good just caught my eye. I know I always use to think that things just don’t bother me but the older I get the more I realize how off base I am.I have struggled with self esteem and depression/anxiety pretty much all my life and have put up with a whole lot of uncalled for stuff both from relationships ,my so called friends , some of my close relatives are in this group. I just could never understand how people can be so cruel to the people they so claim to love. Anyway for the past 6 months after having to stay at a women’s shelter because none of my family would allow me to stay with them I am now staying with a lady who has helped me quite a bit. But the problem is her life style and her whole perspective on life and what she lives for even. Her kids are messed up. She has very messed up people living in her home and now the latest person to come and stay is a real character and about 20 some years my junior but has noe respect for herself or anyone else she decides she doesn’t care for. Lately I have become so angry and speak up when she is disrespectful to me. The lady I live with proceeds to rell me about how their has been viscious people in her life. Well I don’t believe that gives her any right to now go and mis treat everyone else. I just don’t like this anger I feel about it and wish I could get away from the whole mess



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Pat

posted June 16, 2008 at 3:34 pm


I just want to say to the lady that has the kids that seem to not want to be there for her is I understand what you are going through and I am so happy that you rely on God. His Holy Spirit will help you .He is Our Comforter that Jesus sent us when He went to be with the Father. But MY KIDS ,MY 3 BOYS have kicked me out of their house before when I had no where to go and for absolutely no reason. I am sorry for all of your physical problems and will try very hard to remember you in my prayers. I t has been such grief to my soul as I lost my Dad 4YEARS ago and my own children will seldom even call me. I’m lucky if I hear from them on my birthday .I heard from one of them on my birthday and another one on Mothers day .And it was just a phone call but I was happy for that. My oldest one I never hear from. Please if you remember pray for me and my children that God will open their eyes to the Truth.



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Inesia

posted June 16, 2008 at 4:02 pm


It has been a seesaw type of existence ever since my beloved parents passed shortly after their 50th anniversary. My only solice is that I was able to send them to Hawaii for their anniversary while I worked for United Airlines. Shortly after their deaths, my sister stole my inheritance which I wanted to pass to my son and his family. I had been unable to find employment and I was envious of all those who had family and employment. Only comfort I could turn to was my Catholic faith and religion. Now I am grateful for a loving companion who has supported me thru unemployment and provided me with a roof. Only advice I can offer is to be grateful for your health,even as it is, and live life,see it all around you such as it is. I am still impoverished but thankful for what little I do have, especially two beautiful granddaughters whom I hope to live long enough to see them grow into beautiful young women.



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Karen

posted June 16, 2008 at 5:25 pm


I have known for a long time that anger creates its own energy and that it is NOT always a bad thing. Reading this article helped reinforce that I am, indeed, “beyond rubies” and deserve to be treated as such, even if I am not completely happy with myself. I have room for personal growth and I deserve personal growth, insight and maturity. I think it’s okay to be angry at whatever tries to hold me back.



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Lilyme

posted June 16, 2008 at 5:49 pm


I simpethise with all who have posted here. I’ve been there done that and have my moments also.
My older sister and I were abandoned at my paternal grandparents house at age two monthes. I met my father at three and my mother at five. I love them, though they did not raise us. We had many a fall out through the years and my mother still does things I don’t agree with, but, it’s God’s Will. My father died in 2000 and the three other children he had speak pestillence about my sister and me, but will not speak to us, because they feel we are too disgusting to them. For that same reason, even though I love them, I won’t try to seek them either.
We were extremely poor all our lives. We lived off of Grandpas retierment check. At age 9 I worked after school at my grandmother’s friend restaurant after school and got paid with food. Sometimes co-workers would throw some tip money my way and when my father would come drunk yelling at my grandparents for money, atleast they could give him some to go away with. When he married this other drunk lady who mothered these three kids, they would spend their money on booze and I would pay their electricity and they would come into my home (mind you I was a widow with two kids) and steal my food and money. One day I moved away and didn’t let them know where I lived. So, when my father was dying, his wife told my sister he didn’t want me to go see him at the hospital. I’m not sure if my sister lied, if it was my stepmom who didn’t want to run into me there, or if my dad really said it. So, I didn’t go. I take him flowers and always pray for him.
My two older children do talk to eachother but to me. The boy sometimes will call my present husband but not me and I don’t get to see my grandchildren by them. My third child lives far from me but does love me and call my husband almost daily and speaks to me briefly sometimes. Finally my 12 year-old daughter is now my comfort. Who knows how she will be as she also grows up, but, she is very hurt to see that she is left an only child. She also does love her siblings and accepts that God has a plan and His Will is best. Maybe one day (She Hopes) they will talk to her when she is grown up.
I was never respected and will probably never be, but I have made the best of my life. I live in peace. Their ups and downs, they solve on their own. I have left them in the hands of God and pray for their souls and to their Guardian Angels all the time. But, I cannot make my life revolve on what their mistakes are and dwell on them.
When people are rude and disrespectful towards me I just say “I Love You even when you are rude to me!” and politely say good-bye with a look on my face as if they are the (Hate to say this) “Crap” ones. If I see them again, I try to forgive their past conduct and treat them with respect but with a certain cautiosness. Every one is entitled to a mistake and sometimes people do have a different way or reaction to events as I do. I catch myself, beign short with nice people at times and have to apologize next time I see them too. I’m not perfect either, so I accept that people may make mistakes against me too. If I see a person is just plain hateful towards me, I distance them as much as I can and accept that they have a problem I cannot fix for them and hope that God does find the right person to help them with it.
I get angry sometimes, but I have learned why and what gets me in trouble: I have no tact or diplomacy. I say the truth as I see it, with what people say and don’t consider that they may be withholding something. So, they take offense. Sometimes I know something they didn’t want me to consider and didn’t say, and my words are too much. People fear my mouth. Hipocracy and Sugar Coating are not strong points in my dialoge style. Sure, I live with very few other people to communicate with; My Sister, Daughter and Husband are the only daily people. My Mom lives long distance, but we talk a couple of times a week, the same for my one son. Then I go to church on Sunday and sometimes during the week and casually speak to auaintences there and strangers occasionally. Once every few monthes, I may write something like this on the internet.
I belive; If people would only give up their control to God and accept that He knows why and what is best for us. Be patient with Him, God’s time is nothing like our individual expectations. Sure you could pray to Him to let Him know your concerns and even Vent a little. But, you must learn to move on and be happy. Take each moment, each moment. Don’t get physical ever, for you will always make things worst for yourself. That’s the fastest way to loose the respect, not only of the person you hurt but of others who either see it or hear about it.
Trust and Respect are easy to acheive when you first meet a person and almost never acheivable when once lost.
The best way to get respect from others is to respect yourself. Show them that you respect yourself and they will either respect you or you will distance yourself from them. But, never stop loving and praying for them. Then sit back and see the results. Don’t aspire to be the best among what is in a Toilet (Waste). Not that they are “(Waste)”, God did not make any of us “(Waste)” we are made in His image. But, some of us don’t know that yet, and can very easily waste our time in the meantime. Just move on and give God time to work on them. You are not God and cannot try to be Him. That is what Lucifer tried to do. That was the “Challenge”. Don’t fall into it.
Live as happy as you can. Learn a new skill as often as you can: Sports, Crafts, paint something, go somewhere and see something new, see people, cook something and share it (even if it’s with the homeless). There is soo much we could do to enjoy every spare moment.
My favorite is to pray as I cook or sew or paint or got to the “Blessed Sacrament” to spend an hour with my BEST FRIEND JESUS.
God Bless You all!



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Cully

posted June 16, 2008 at 6:21 pm


Therese wrote: “I’m starting to think that I’m worth more than the crumbs I get in some of my relationships—that I should ask for a little more in my friendships, because the giving is a tad greater than the taking.”
We are all worth more than the crumbs we get, and that we “give” at all is so much more than the folks taking what we have to offer. How hard is it to say, “Thank You” or just to acknowledge someone’s effort?
Yes, Therese… “Outrage. That’s what I’m after. To love and believe in myself so much so that I am outraged when people treat me without respect.” AMEN!



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Green Girl

posted June 16, 2008 at 6:40 pm


Wow, Lilyme, you seem to be very strong and have good faith. I wish the best for you and will pray for you.



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jacqueline

posted June 16, 2008 at 6:53 pm


iv had a very difficult time sometimes thats how i know that there is a god because if there werent i might not be here today that is why when i wake up each day my first words are thank you



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One of the Chosen

posted June 16, 2008 at 7:54 pm


Wow….that message was so empowering because I feel that it’s a carbon-copy of what my life has been like(all 26 years). As a matter-a-fact, it actually sounded like me there. Everything I’ve gone through, everything I’ve felt was expressed by this person. What a relief to know that someone out there actually understands and feels the way that I do!!!! I too, discovered the help that a little anger can do to transform one’s sense of self respect and courage to stop parasitic-type people who feed off of the energy of those with weak or undiscovered self-images, such as myself(in the past) whom was always raised to suppress my emotions and always felt that defending myself from someone made me evil- which isn’t true. Inclusively, last night my mom admitted for the first time that she’s responsible for as to why I am like this, that I allow people to walk on my back(even her rude clients and friends because they see how she treats me like a kid, so they think that they can do it too).Though she admits it, I don’t feel she takes responsibility for the damage she’s caused. I mean…life goes on for her, I’m the one who’s going to need professional help, perhaps for the rest of my life. When people say that it’s normal for parents to screw you up in the head I feel like blowing up because in my heart I “know” that love doesn’t break people’s spirit. It makes me angry when I think about how many years of taunting and bullying I went through because of this. Whenever people degrade you and you stay quite, they steal your energy, dignity and self-respect. My neighbor(of many years) once told me that just because you are good doesn’t mean that you have to be someone’s punching bag. Very wise of her to say. I’m doing much better than before in regards to this, but I still have to work on being a bit more affirmative, since this can cause deep psycological barriers for anyone who’s been trashed all their lives by family, sibling’s, parents and lovers-anyone who swore they only loved me, but instead made me pay for their personal frustrations. It’s a damage that is hard to heal, and a wrong done that few bullies ever admit to, unless they just want to feel better about themselves. So yes, a little anger does go a “very” long way, helping a person stand up and stop unacceptable behavior.



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emz

posted June 17, 2008 at 2:06 am


Yah..i sure do agree…as it is happening to me now. A person whom I considered as a friend did some trampling on my back. Living with her for more than a year and letting her get away with everything…letting her get credit for things that i’ve done…taking care of the house and her as if i am her own housemade…lending her money to save her from disaster…I’m crazy to have done this…and now I am fighting … i am now angry…i finally decided to be happy with myself as my bestfriend….



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Dianne

posted June 17, 2008 at 3:45 am


You put it so well…AMEN!!!



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Regina

posted June 17, 2008 at 8:54 am


AMEN!!!!!! anger IS good, it does make people treat us better, seemslike the ones that talk love all the time are the ones that trash us the most, i fight this , seems like an endless fight tho.was really glad to rad this tday, needed to see it ,THANKS



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Kennesha

posted June 17, 2008 at 12:07 pm


I am so glad I took the time to read this posting. I too, have struggled with allowing myself to be angry. Holding it inside is something I do all too well. I convince myself that I’m a “better” person by absorbing it and never letting someone know how they’ve angered me. Recently, I realized that motivates those same people to contine using you as their punching bag. I’ve made a conscious decision to allow myself to feel angry. . .to own my anger. That way, I don’t have to absorb it into my soul.
Thank you for reassuring me. . .it’s okay to be angry!



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Susan Papenfuss

posted June 17, 2008 at 5:30 pm


Amen…very good postings. I’m so glad to join in. I’ve been in abusive relationtionships and feel I need to express my anger and have self respect (and know it’s not my fault if someone mistreats me and that I don’t deserve to be treated that way) oh gosh…I didn’t mean to move the topic.
What I want to say is that my mother held all her anger in until she blew up…I know that I shouldn’t do that, but I still struggle in expressing anger without seeming over emotional.
God bless IOWA ..



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peg

posted June 18, 2008 at 1:46 am


Hi,
I am so angry with myself! I used to be able to cope with loss but now i can’t! I suffer with chronic pain after a hysterectomy 11 years ago. As a result i lost my career, friends, & now my husband & two children. I have nothing to live for now!Anger is good but too much is devestating to others!



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nosy

posted June 18, 2008 at 5:14 am


thanks you everyone for all your responses. It’s good to remember you’re not alone



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Joan Bellagio

posted June 18, 2008 at 9:53 am


hmm, the poster is angry because more people can’t come into the country to take away our jobs and destroy our communities? I’m angry at people like her who don’t care what the impact on citizens are when there’s an invasion of aggressive self righteous illegal immigrants.
why can’t she go to their country and agitate there for better conditions instead of destroying our livelihood’s?
I’m angry at her! I’m angry at the pro-immigration anti-American anti women lobbies.



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beth

posted June 18, 2008 at 1:10 pm


Prayer our world needs more prayer!



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Joyce

posted June 18, 2008 at 10:18 pm


I just wanted to say how timely this was and how much I needed it…I’ve been dealing with a “friend” who feels like if I tell her I don’t feel comfortable with how she treats me (namecalling, mean teasing) that somehow I’m trying to control her or tell her who to be.
In actuality, I just want us to treat each other kindly and with respect. I think in the past I would have believed I was doing something wrong and would have kept my mouth shut–after much therapy, I realized I was doing myself no favors with that mindset. I’m learning how to communicate those feelings in a calm, rational way instead of blowing up (still sometimes a struggle), but I believe I’m going to get there, and respect myself and others in the process.
Thanks for the good thought for the day!



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Mary E. Gross

posted June 19, 2008 at 1:47 pm


Today I am so outraged about how people treat me. I try so hard to be a good person and friend, but people just continuosly treat me like I am a garbage can. Not just outsiders, but my family also. I thought I was being nice to this girl by giving her thse 2 suits and a pair shoes, the she asked for another box of my “crunch and munch”. I later called her to see if the suits fit and how the fish tasted(I shared my fish with her also). She was so arrogant, nasty that I felt so hurt. She called me today like nothing had happened. I told her about herself. She used a bunch of excuses, but I told her that this time I was not excepting the guilt trip. Then I told her “bye”. I am so tired of people dumping on me.



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Anonymous

posted June 25, 2008 at 10:16 am


Today I am very anxios. I am starting my first day of trying to stop smoking. I also am trying to busy myself to keep my mindoff cigarettes, but it seems as though the more I try the more I need something to keep me together. But with GOD’s blessing I am going to make it through this day.



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darlene

posted June 27, 2008 at 1:34 am


to joan bellagio: have you ever met an undocumented alien? have you even traveled outside the borders of this country to a non-resort area? if you had done this and put yourself into the shoes of those people who want to live here in the USA, well i think you might have a different perspective.
i, for one, would consider emigrating rather than immigrating to america, as i feel that our current conditions are not nearly as people-friendly than some other countries in europe, in terms of health insurance; retirement; quality, access and costs of higher education; and job security. open up your eyes and see the world. open up your heart and see others as you see yourself. then your perspective might be different than it is now.



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darlene

posted June 27, 2008 at 1:44 am


dear therese:
thank you so much for the posting. it was timely. i have recovered, finally, from an abusive relationship and breakdown (6 years ago this july). well, anger is the last thing that i realized that was missing in the process. now, i can get a little angry sometimes. it is more healthy to express and let it go, like a tea pot lets go of steam. this way, it does not get stuffed somewhere inside, repressed. anger turned inward results in depression, i think. maybe that is why i used to be depressed. well, when i was little, i just let it out as it came, and never had any problems. so, i am going back to that healthy way of life. being natural… however, we can express the anger in a way that is healthy and balanced.
thank you for your blog!!



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simone

posted August 6, 2008 at 1:01 pm


yes. i feel the same way. as my self worth is going up, my anger is rushing forward to protect what is mine, what I want and what i need. i see it this way, if i don’t take care of myself, if i dont become a full functioning human being then who’s the one getting into all these relationships. then who’s the brother, who’s the friend, who’s the son that is getting angry. it’s me. anger helps define who you are and it is so beautiful when it does.
peace and anger to all!!!



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Mary

posted August 26, 2008 at 12:29 pm


I have not vented lately, but I need to sound off today.
First, there were two females that I helped, they both took advantage of my kndness. You hear every day that if a person sees that you are a giving and caring individual, they will try to get very close to you. Well, one has three children (twins and a 10 yr old), she conned me into helping her out in finding some monetary support because she was behind 2 months in her rent. It all boils down to my church supported with some money, and she thought that the check was going to made out to her, but it was not. The other one took my kindness for weakness also. I was giving her lots and lots of clothes that were size 4. Then I told her that I needed to know what to do about my sound chip in my cpu. She said she would ask her IT person at work. He told her to tell me that he would give me a complete computer. What she did was take what he gave me, and gave me her cpu and speakers. I was totally through with her. I told her about herself. She is an alcoholic, and lies through her teeth. She is a functional alcoholic. I was tempted to call her job and say she stole those items from the job, tell them that she is a drunk. I changed my mind, I am letting GOD take care of both of them. The drunk, I miss her little dog(I fell in love with him), and she knows this, so, she thinks that she is hurting me. I know the LORD will remedy that for me.



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