Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


10 Red Flags of an Emotional Affair

posted by Beyond Blue

Jeff Herring, a marriage and family therapist, and an internationally syndicated relationship columnist (Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services) identifies ten warning signs of an impending emotional affair:

1) Thinking or saying, “We’re just friends.”

If you have caught yourself thinking or saying, “but we’re just friends,” you are probably already in trouble. “But we’re just friends” are four of the most dangerous words for a relationship. These words are usually said to rationalize something you know is wrong. Rationalize is also spelled “rational lies.”

2) Thinking and daydreaming about the person more and more often

This should be a loud, screaming clue. Do you think and day dream about your regular friends in this way?

3) Looking forward to the next time you can see and/or talk to the person

If you feel excitement and anticipation, a quickening of your pulse, as you get ready to see this person, watch out.

4) Wanting to tell them first when something happens in your day

This means that this person has become your primary emotional confidant.



5) Sharing intimate emotions

This flows naturally from this person being your primary emotional confidant. Because emotional affairs can be harder to break than purely physical ones, you can get trapped right here.

6) Sharing intimate problems

Especially dangerous if you are sharing problems in your marriage or relationship with this other person.

7) You believe that this person understands you much more than your spouse

Of course it looks like they do. That is part of the illusion of the affair. This belief draws you away from your partner and toward the other person.

8) Keeping secrets and covering up

Secrets bond two people together against a third person.

9) Giving gifts you would not normally give to a friend

Things to wear, jewelry, and other intimate gifts come with a message: we are very close.

10) Spending more and more time alone

I’ve heard so many people tell me that this was the one that pushed them over the edge. They had promised themselves that nothing would happen, but the temptation and availability of time alone was too much to resist.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.



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Meryl Biszick

posted March 28, 2007 at 11:20 pm


This may be true for some folks, but I was in an abusive situation, with plans to leave my spouse already when I met my “emotional affair” online. He lived over a thousand miles away, and was also in a “I’m getting out” situation. We both got out, met in person, fell in love and married 9 years ago. We are even more in love 9 yrs. later. Sometimes I think it’s just meant to be.



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T. B.

posted March 28, 2007 at 11:47 pm


This article is so true, I was going through a lot emotionally in marriage 3 years ago. I turned to someone who was at the time my spiritual leader. He became my primary emotional confidant. This eventually lead into an affair. He was married also, and when I could not take it anymore with my husband I had decided to leave my husband but this man whom I was involved with now tells me not to? In the end my husband found out about us and this literally almost destroyed him, mainly his trust in God, because the man I was involved with was a minister. I am still married at this time but we have gone through so many ups and downs! It is still taking me years to get over the guilt of trusting this man and submitting to sin with him. To this day, this man denies any involvement with me!



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h.b.

posted March 28, 2007 at 11:50 pm


My husband had an emotional affair with a nurse at the hospital. I always knew that there were emails and such. He lied about her for over a year. When I did find out the truth, he defended her when I got angry. We have 4 kids so I can’t leave. But I have never felt more betrayed. He isn’t my soft place to land anymore. I think I hate him. And I don’t think things will ever get better. We even moved to a different state so that he could get away from her. She helped ruin my marriage, but he wants to be with me, not her. I wonder if he thinks all the deceit was worth it?



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deb

posted March 29, 2007 at 12:23 am


i was married for 30 yrs. to an abusive man that lied, cheated, did drugs and slammed my self esteem everyday. i sought separation and he was served. his best friend started confiding in me by talking to my husband about treating me better cuz 30 yrs. was alot to lose. needless to say, i am having an affair with my ex’s best friend. he is so good to me and makes me very happy but he is also married. He has been there for me when my ex never was now, my ex wants us to get back together and i dont feel the same toward him since ive been with this other man. Even tho im a mistress now, i cant go back to the way it was before.



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karyne

posted March 29, 2007 at 2:45 am


I must say that being the innocent spouse of a someone in the throws of an emotional affair is the most painful of experiences, I would say worse that death (at least with death you don’t feel that person chose to die to hurt you). Lots of prayer and patience later, he ended it but the scars remain. Its been 2 years and the pain is still there (comes and goes) although I try my best to hide it and I never ever talk about it. He doesn’t suspect that anything is wrong and he has given me absolutely no reason to doubt him again but the wound is slow to heal. So think twice before getting close with a married man- chances are there is a woman who will find out and end up in alot of pain (not to mention if there’s children involved). Don’t do it. Its never right. Leave the married man alone.



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Donna

posted March 29, 2007 at 4:44 am


I am having an emotional affair with a man…have been for four years. My marriage is ending (this is my second marriage – my current husband is an alcoholic.) He has never been able to comfort me or communicate appropriately because of the alcohol, so naturally when a handsome, fun, very intelligent, non-drinker, MAN came into my life, we became very close. This happened over a few years…first just talking, then very innocent flirtations, then comments such as “you look good today, you smell good today” and finally, one day two years after I met him, I actually contrived for us to be alone, and we made beautiful love. To me it was the culmination of how this man helped me not only see how much more there is out there in terms of men, but he also helped me through the illness and subsequent death of my dear dad. He, too, is married but I don’t ask questions about the wife. I don’t want to hurt anyone – her, or her kids. He finds me very attractive and appealing, and although he says he talks to her, I think we talk more. Adultery should not be one of the ten commandments. In this day and age, it is too difficult to stay loyal for so many years – we are much longer lived now than when Moses wrote the Decalogue!! I am grateful for my emotional affair; it saved me and we are still friends for life.



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Lisa

posted March 29, 2007 at 4:21 pm


My soon to be ex husband was involved in an emotional affar with my now ex best friend. It is the hardest thing I have ever delt with. Of cource He blames me for it. See what happened was she left her boyfriend and didn’t have a place to live. We let her stay with us for a few nights. The few nights turned into a few months. My husband slowly turned away from me right into her hands. All the signs of an affar were there especially after he tried to get me to participate in a threesome with her. When I refused it turned into a huge issue. He then started doing everything with her. He started to take her places that I should have been instead of her. Then I came across pictures of them on the internet. Pictures speak a thousand words. When I confornted him he turned it all around on me. He said I didn’t trust him and that nothing was going on. I made him promise to end the friendship with her. It took me a couple of months to find out that indeed he did not end it at all. He just got better at hideing it. He secluded me from his whole life. It hurts real bad. I don’t know if I will ever get over it. I met a man reciently and find myself very suspicious of every action. Will I ever be able to put the hurt aside in order to be in a healthy relationship? I loved my husband and he hurt me so bad. Can I ever get over that?



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JC

posted March 29, 2007 at 8:02 pm


In my life I’ve dealt with both sides of this coin, and 99% of the time neither side wins. It’s not worth it, EVER, to hurt someone because you will usually pay for it somewhere down the road. My current fiance/parter had a brief internet fling with someone he met playing cards online. He started calling her at her job (she was married with children) and stupid him, he accidently pushed my number on his cell phone while he was calling her from a pay phone, and I overheard his entire conversation. BUSTED. This was 4 years ago, and I will never really trust him again, and even though we’ve worked on our relationship the damage was done, NO TURNING back, so again I say, IT”S NOT WORTH IT, and if you’re in a commited relationship don’t try to justify it. End one before you begin the other, or be prepared to accept that you will mostly likely pay for it…



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sf

posted March 30, 2007 at 8:29 am


Ladies, I urge you to go out and buy (or go to your library to borrow) a book called, “When Your Lover Is A Liar” by Susan Forward. I was going through a similar situation recently, and I read this book for some guidance. Believe me – whatever your situation, this book has covered it! Plus, she gives lots of helpful ideas for saving the marriage… and once you read this book, you should be able to tell if it is possible to save it, or not…. many times, unfortunately, it is not. Whether you’re the wife or the “other woman”, you’re both being lied to (think about it!). Best of luck to all of you, my heart goes out to you!



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Anna

posted March 30, 2007 at 5:59 pm


Boy does this sound familiar. I was involved in a non-profit organization. The person I had to deal with became my friend. Then one day it happened, he kissed me and I did not know what to do. At first I was shocked but then as time went, I went along with it “totally”. It has been over 10 years, I fell for him and just when things were going to the next level, he cut me out of his life completely. After all these years, he starts feeling guilty and wants out. He now treats me like a total stranger and will not communicate with me at all. He had the gall to tell me it was just a “sexual” attraction and he has no feeling for me as a person. HOW CRUEL!! I still love him but I am very upset and depressed that it ended like this. More then likely I need counseling. Somehow I want to try and make my marriage work to the wonderful person I have as a husband. I can only pray that he doesn’t do this to someone else. To think I fell for all the lies and stuff he told me.



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Crystal

posted March 31, 2007 at 12:47 am


I have committed the crime of an emotional affair. My boyfriend did not share a few interests of mine so I found myself leaning towards a writer who was working on his Masters at a 4 hour away college. I became obsessed with our online connection. We emailed each other 3 times a day, had discussions on ‘web cam’ and talked through text messages when we found a spare minute. Our conversations were sexually flirty at times and always intelligently playful and funny. When I was out with my boyfriend I would always be on my phone or at his house (while he was on the bed in back of me) I’d be typing away. I don t know why I didn t feel an ounce of guilt, maybe I was having too much fun…I just kept convincing myself that my boyfriend was oblivious. One day when I’m about to leave his apartment, he starts to cry. This shocked me, he s 8 years my senior and I ve never seen him cry. He was not oblivious at all, he poured his heart out, everything he said in that hour made me feel like the biggest bitch alive! How could I have been so selfish, so deceitful, bring this good sweet loving man to tears? I was so ashamed, even more ashamed when I had a life-threatening operation and found myself in the hospital for 3 months. He NEVER left my side, served me food and helped the nurses with my care. He even slept on the couch by my bed, attaching a string to tug on from his couch to my hospital bed if I needed some comfort. He brought his work (laptop and clothes) to the hospital with him so he could stay with me ALL DAY and most nights!I never met a man like him and I’m not looking for another. He forgave me for my sinful past, he forgave me for all the times i hurt him, he forgave me for my selfish act. And he never stops giving me his deepest love and concern. I have read all your stories above, I’m so sorry. You must all hate me…please know that i have learned my lesson and i am forever changed to a 100% faithful lover. I hope you all heal…I know i left a scar in my bf’s heart even though he tries to conceal it, the hurt will always b there but it does not have to take control of your life. Your future true love is still out there! take care :) ~Crystal



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Peg

posted April 2, 2007 at 6:03 am


After reading all of the sad comments I can relate to so many of them. I wonder why human beings can be so hurtful.



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RLS

posted April 8, 2007 at 8:29 pm


How can I be so stupid? I have been having a affair with a married man for 3 1/2 years. He is nothing that I have ever looked for and everything now that I could only dream of having. Although if I ever got him as my very own, would I ever be able to trust him? I know in my heart that we will never be together but somehow hope lingers on. I try and pry myself away from calling him and seeing him. I know it’s wrong & I try to stop this with him. I have tried to do the right thing and he ends up getting back in there.I do know that this would cause complete devistation if we were ever found out…how do I stop?? I have my own family but not married. With the same man for 13 years. He cheated on me quite a few times. I have never been able to trust him again. I stay there to be with our 12 year old son. The man I am having the affair with has been married 10 + years is in his 50′s and just had his 1st son last year. I know he would never leave him. I need to do the right thing and stop this before we are found out. We both stand a lot to loose.Tomorrow will be a new day…I am going to beg for God’s forgiveness and strength to do the right thing.Thank God you all are here to help with this insite.



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Gina

posted April 25, 2007 at 3:27 am


I was with a man for over a year and a half and he was married. He didn’t tell me until later that he was, or I wouldn’t have given him the time of day from the beginning. I am not someone that thinks dating a married man is okay. But when he told me, I had already fell in love with him, and I believed him when he told me how desperate he was to love and be loved, his wife didn’t show him affection or praise him, etc. He was everything I could have ever dreamed of having in a man. It bothered me that he was married though. I would threaten to tell her, and when I did, he would do whatever it took to keep me from doing that. I threatened, and he was so upset he went to his pastor, told him, and was told not to contact me again. He no longer speaks to me and I am devastated.



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Mike

posted April 25, 2007 at 4:59 am


I sit here typing this while my two sons ages 7 and 6 sleep in my two bedroom apartment and their mother is a sleep in the house i bought us before we got married. My store is I’ve been on both sides. my first marriage ended when i became involved with a maried co-worker. obviously, it was doomed and did not end her marriage, but I choose to leave mine. They say what goes around comes around…. and my next wife repeated the same process after 7 years that ended her first marriage and eventually caused her to loose custody of her two kids. With me she engaged in several “just friends” relationships that were less and less hidden. The final one was with a married guy half way across the country who she met through friends.Anyway you look at it, marriage needs to be protected and respected..it is one of the bases for a healthy socialital structure. If you get involved with someone outside your marriage or committed relationship… you eventually get the pain you inflicted…. sometimes two or three-fold. And the kids involved…. they pay the price of the sins of their parents, through no fault of their own. if more people would wake up a realize that, then maybe a lot of the issues we face as a society wouldn’t exist. Spoken by a contributor to the mess.



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Linda

posted April 25, 2007 at 3:36 pm


Hi, I really have a question, could I be having an affair with a woman and not know it? My story, I have meant the most wonderful person, we have both talked freely about our husbands, about our lives growing up and we share information about the friend that thinks only she is telling one of us. I cann’t wait until the next time we can get together and she is the first one I think of to call when something good or bad happens. I know that I am not gay, I do not think of her in that way and I’m sure she is not. Could it be that now at our age, she is 58, I’m 45 that we have just found our true best friend? Any comments? thanks, Linda



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in_the_dumps

posted April 25, 2007 at 11:16 pm


Linda, I would say you have a best friend. At our age something almost impossible to do. If I were you I would continue doing and acting exactly how you are and don’t give anything else another thought. If our husbands were really supposed to be our best friend they would understand us the way our girlfriends do. They would make time for us the way our girlfriends do. The list goes on.Love your husband for all the things he is, love your friend for all the things she is. You don’t have to sacrifice one for the other. God Bless CJ



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rachel

posted April 27, 2007 at 3:25 am


So many have used the excuse that their spouse was abusive to them or a substance…there is no justification in this. I am guilty as all above and deserve every bit of ill feelings toward myself and hope that I can love myself more so I can quit relying on other people to make me feel good. I am with a person who I chose to be with and I owe him at least that.



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kathleen

posted April 27, 2007 at 9:56 pm


When many men reach mid-life, they look back and ask themselves if this is all there is….it’s the hardest point in a marriage. Unfortunately, this is when their true selves come out…sometimes it is as if your husband is not at all the man you married. He is a stranger…DO NOT let him tell you that his emotional affair is YOUR fault. Marriage is a partnership. It’s work. We are all human and make mistakes. One should not be judged by one’s mistakes but by what they learn from them, for life is a series of learning experiences and each day is a memory in the making. Yes, being thrown away like some piece of trash is devastating…I know. I have lived it. 27plus years and for what? three kids and a lifetime and off he goes BECAUSE of an emotional affair and yes, he even threw way my wedding gown after I moved from our home. This is proof that I never really knew him…all the dreams, the promises, the work, the shitty diapers, the nurturing, the EVERYTHING and it’s “ALL MY FAULT”…he even had my kids convinced that he was justified and turned them against me. After he moved out he took her to Hawaii and THAT is when I filed for divorce…how DARE they humilate me as tho’ I was a “thing”! Mind you, I made my share of mistakes..plenty of them. The prescribed oxycontin became my “safe place to fall”. I died inside…why? My spirit was killed, my character was assasinated. My parents were both dead and I was alone…The only thing I had to hold onto was my faith. I have since learned about verbal and emotional abuse.It destroys lives. It’s REAL. It now has a label and it is a SERIOUS issue.If it is any sort of consolation, remember that ANY relationship which begins with deceit does not have the ability to last. It may take even a lifetime, but what goes around comes around. I may have taken drugs for a few years but I never took anyone’s husband. My kids are with me again…they see. THEY are the innocent victims of self-serving behavior. I will be their one hero if it takes my every bit of strength; They need their relationship with their father, so try to hold your head up and be as fair as possible, but set boundaries. That “woman” (a 3x divorcee who has 3 kids from 3 dads) is not welcome in my home, nor is she to be in the car when their dad comes to MY home to get MY kids. She does not deserve to be treated with respect because she had none for MY kids’ future, did she? Nor did she have a bit of respect for their mother! Pray. It works. You are not alone.



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kathleen

posted April 27, 2007 at 10:08 pm


To Mike: Thank you for being genuine and sincere. It takes a man to admit to and have remorse for choosing an “instant gratification” road vs. one that takes effort and personjal inventory. It is the cowards who run away from taking the “hard road” and never look back, by crying victim. You should be commended for your strength.



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Glen

posted April 27, 2007 at 11:15 pm


My wife had an emotional affair at work and the guy still works there. She has lied to me on a number of occasions and trust has really suffered as a result. I am anxious much of the time and feel betrayed. She did, to her credit, tell me about it; she started by flirting back and then they started emailing. On Valantine’s Day, he gave her a diamond necklace and asked her to leave me…he said he’d been asking around about me and “not hearing very good things.” He’s barely eighteen and she’s thirty-seven. She tells me she told him to drop it and assures me, at this point, that it’s over. It hurts lots.



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Simiran

posted April 28, 2007 at 9:42 am


I am really confused. I am scared of marriage, of sexual relationship and all the other engagements that one has to take when marriage is concerned. Therefore I never got married. But I felt in love fourteen years ago. He also. I cannot forget him for a day, and I am suffering for that. Yet, I have stop contacts with him telling him that I do not want to have any relationship. I am lost. Any comments ?



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Venus

posted April 30, 2007 at 6:11 am


ok, my lesson is a bit different. in many of my relatioships the men have cheated. when they did or attempted to, i ended it. for years and years i became disillusioned thinking they were all just dirty dogs. i took no accountability or asked why they did it. then one day i fell in love with my coworker who is married. see, when i first met him that was when he was engaged. my heart sunk and then i left it as that. two years later, his marriage became rocky. his wife as was possessive, unfriendly to his friends, disrespectful of his free time, clingy, they were fighting in public, there was no more love speak, etc.his emotional affair with me i think he believes seems enchanted, because i’m always so darn happy around him.but i told him it would be unfair for me if he were to continue to have me as a mistress. so we never pursued a sexual relationship. i do love him as a person, that i can let him go and be happy with his wife. unfortunately he is not happy with her, that is why he went and looked for me. then i realized in my past relationship i was the suffocating, blameaholic, not nice to his friends, verbally and sometimes physically abusive tyrant. it explains why they ran. with him, because he’s not mine, i have to constantly play nice. though, i’m not sure i can be this person when he does become mine. but maybe this time around i’m more discipline in my negative outbursts. more lessons to learn I guess.



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Nicole

posted April 30, 2007 at 6:07 pm


Last year I became emotionally involved w/a co-worker. It started out as an innocent flirtation thing…I am kind of a flirty person anyway so I didn’t really think much about it at first. I had been married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart and had never been involved w/anyone else. My husband treats me well and we basically had a very good marriage.I did feel connected to this co-worker though, we worked so well together…able to complete each others sentences…knew what the other was thinking without even speaking…It was nice. Then one night, he walked me out to my car and told me that he had very strong feelings for me. I was attracted to him too. Then we began talking in the car after work. My feelings for him became so strong…nearly unbearable. I had never felt this way…wonderfully desirable in one way, completely torn up w/guilt in another. Our secret relationship went on for a few weeks…nearly became physical but we stopped ourselves before it was too late. (I don’t know how…it could have EASILY happened…EASILY!!!) We ended up deciding that it was just not worth the pain and that it was just not fair to our spouses and kids… that this would ultimately destroy us…I was sick through it all , unable to eat, even lost 10lbs. I was completely heart broken too. This was a person I could have easily spent the rest of my life with.I felt that I had to “come clean”. I told my husband… he was a mess but blamed himself for not being there for me… (I was in shock!) He said he knew something was wrong for weeks… I had been so distant. We have patched things up… he has been nothing but kind and loving…I still feel guilty at times but I am trying to see this as a wake up call to truly appreciate each other and be there emotionally for each other…not take anything for granted. He eventually told his wife. But she, on the otherhand, blamed him and made him feel very guilty. She then conveniently got pregnant probably to “make sure” he wouldn’t leave. He always seems so stressed out w/work (80+ hrs per week so she can stay home w/the kids)and apparantly she doesn’t do much around the house so he has to pick up the slack there… I have guilt about his situation too…if we never got involved, she probably wouldn’t have gotten pregnant making his life more difficult. (He says he is happy about having another baby…it just isn’t a good time.) We are still co-workers and just acknowledge that there will always be “tension”. Despite all of the pain this has caused, I still think about him when I am not at work. On one level, I think that we are kind of soulmates. If we met before getting married to other people, we likely would have gotten together. I am not sure if I just feel bad for him, like I want to take care of him. I am leaving my job soon, so hopefully, out of sight, out of mind. I need time to heal. It has been almost a year and I am still not completely “over it”.The moral…it is not worth it…even for an emotional affair that doesn’t turn physical. It just sucks the life out of your marriage, your emotional well being, every aspect of your life. I regret it everyday but I am thankful to God that I married such a wonderful and forgiving man… I hope this helps anyone facing a similar situation…



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DJ

posted April 30, 2007 at 7:06 pm


My husband and I have been living seperately for 10 months now. I found evidence of several emotional affairs…he is in sales and has daily contact with women that he needs to “smooze” and in the process of getting to know these women boundaries were crossed that never should have been crossed…needless to say things went from bad to worse when I confronted him. First there was flat out denial and then everything became my fault. I know that I have not been the perfect spouse but marriage takes two and he turned his back on me when I became ill with a chronic illness years ago. I could no longer be his full caretaker and he began to resent that and eventually removed himself emotionally from me as a spouse. I had the “blinders” on for years; just trying to survive, hang onto my job, raise two children and deal with the long-term effects of my illness.I knew our marriage was suffering but he had become so distant that it was hard to talk openly with him. We are now in councelimg but there seems to be a strong determination on his part to continue to lay all the blame on me. I am in individual therapy and it has become apparent to me that the abuse I suffered as a child allowed me to step right into the role of being “used” as a mate and when I could no longer meet his needs satisfactorily he went elsewhere. It is so sad. It has always been about how I am supposed to make him happy never how he could possibly please me. When two people marry they are supposed to take care of each other. If that fails to happen there will be suffering.



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anon

posted April 30, 2007 at 7:52 pm


I recognize all those things from when my husband had one of these. we were very lucky that we were able to be blunt about it and work through it. still hurts just reading about the signs and remembering though.



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KP

posted May 1, 2007 at 4:06 pm


Hello All,Ok…I am afraid I am in a sticky situation myself and disappointed I am here. I would be considered having an emotioal affair. However, I wouldn’t sit around blaming anyone for it..Except the disconnected marraiges that get people to this point in the first place. Unfortunately, people do marry the wrong person sometimes as well. Aside from making the mistake of getting married in the first place, is the fact that people don’t nurture the relationship.I know for me, I tried and begged for years that things had to change b/c I feel disconnected. We would discuss what needed to be done. A day or two would go by and everything would seem fine. Sadly, we fought like crazy every day, our schedules kept us apart a lot, and I couldn’t for the life if me connect with him. Things got really bad at one point. We both had cheated on each other the week I was away. I came home and told him b/c I had such anxiety about it. He came clean after I told him and said he would not have if I didn’t say something first. We both “forgave” each other and agreed we were both detached. I believe we stayed out of guilt. Shortly after, we got pregnant. So, it’s been a little over 2 years. I feel I’ve just been going for the ride here in my life. My voice unheard and very tired.So, I met a man who seems to be compatible and supportive. He is in another country, so we keep in touch via the internet. I have had that lovely anxiety over the situation. I told my husband about him, but not the level of connection we have. Like the first person’s comment, some things are just meant to be. Why would this person come into my life? Why does it happen to anyone? If the marraige is so tight, doesn’t seem like this should happen in the first place. I’m not saying that there aren’t grade A jerks out there that haven’t a clue to what commitment means. However, sometimes there is just something fundementally wrong with the relationship. Not being in-love anymore being one of them. Bottom line, the situation is just all screwed up.So, I can say that if we did not have a child, we would not be together most likely. I am currently trying to work on ME now and hoping everything falls into place. I hope that anyone who deals with this, no matter what side of the coin you’re on, can realize it takes TWO to bring about a disconnected marraige…and therefore all the symptoms that comes with it. Peace



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Marsha

posted May 2, 2007 at 11:20 am


I was the “committed” person who lost my partner to a (lied) situation of “only friends”- be careful and don’t be so naive and trusting as I was (even tho I’m a middle aged person). It wasn’t that our relationship was totally problem-free, how many relationships are? But OUR problems were being shared with a SO-CALLED “best friend”- who had no reservations about breaking up an almost ten year relationship. There is a lot to be said for faithfulness and sincerity- unfortunately some of us who have these qualities end up getting hurt. My belief in God is my refuge and strength. It has also been my observation over the years- that what comes around goes around, in one way or another. I would estimate that there are many people who allow themselves to get caught up in emotional affairs, and later have second thoughts. Infidelity hurts.



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K. R.

posted May 2, 2007 at 12:31 pm


I need some serious help here. I know that I am in an emotional affair.He and I have been in this for over 2 years. We are both married but not to each other. I wish we were married to each other because I feel like he is my soul mate. But… even though we have never met face to face yet, I am getting to the point in my life where I need more from him.I have NEVER seen his face, I have only heard his very hot sexy voice. I have sent enought pictures to him of me that he probably has a porfolio of me and I dont have a single picture of him.I dont have his phone number or his address. All I do have is a email address and its not even his “real” address.God help me. He has helped me through a very rough period in my life with my marriage but… I don’t want to just be a one night fling. I am worth more than that.I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t wanna die from a broken heart either.I am pretty sure he would never leave his wifeand yes he is a older man. I am in my 40′s and he’s 15 years older than I am.Life is to short to be miserable, and sometimes I just feel like I am trying to grasp air when I want to grasp him and hang on to him forever.I know I have fallen in love with him and that I will probably get hurt in the end.Ijust wish there was some way to either get him to commit more to me or to get him to end it with me.I feel like I am in a no win situation, regardless of what I do.



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T

posted May 3, 2007 at 5:15 pm


To Linda & CJ I have had the same thing happen. I meet a lady that I called friend. I had all of the symptoms of an emotional affair, but as Linda mentioned, I am not gay, so what was going on? I really do not know if I was having an emotional affair with her, but I do know that I was so connected to her that my husband became very jealous and hated her. Eventually I was told to choose between her and him. That was several years ago and I choose to stay in my marriage, but my life became devoid of trust. I did not feel I could trust myself to find friends and I could not trust my husband to love me enough to trust that I was not trying to ruin our marriage. I eventually withdrew from my husband to the point of no longer loving him. We tried counseling, began going to church together and every other piece of advice we could come across to help us to reconnect. Then one day I realized I did not want to reconnect. I wanted my own life and to be able to choose my own friends. I wanted to be able to emotionally connect to others and not feel guilty about it. I am having a very hard time connecting emotionally with anyone though. That all took place over a period of six years and I feel very scarred. Maybe the breakup was not due to the friendship I had. We had a typical marriage and many reasons could be found for us to part ways, but to me, being made to choose between him and my friend (intense though our friendship was) was like throwing water on any flame I had for him. So now, after 19 years of marriage, I am getting a divorce.



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DJ

posted May 4, 2007 at 2:12 am


My latest news…while still doing counceling my husband went to his lawyer and requested that the hold that had been placed on the divorce proceedings be lifted and that the divorce proceed forward. This while we were in counceling…no word to me that this was what he was pursueing. I got a phone call from my lawyer on Monday that I was going to have to be in court on Tuesday morning for an appearance for the divorce. I said “I thought you were filing for another “stay” he said “I can’t, your husband wants to proceed forward with the divorce.” We were scheduled for another visit to the marriage coucelor that same night as court! Needless to say I was floored! When I asked my husband why he did this he says he can’t cope with all the emotions and pain and dealing with the “fixing” of it all. To him it is just easier to walk away then to continue to work on getting our marrige back on track. I am really hurting at this point. I feel doubly betrayed, first by his behavior that led to this and now his turning his back on me again. I guess I should have realized that I could not trust him. I just hope and pray that I have the strength to cope with what is to come.



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linda

posted May 5, 2007 at 3:47 am


Hello everybody, I just got finished reading all your heart breaking letters.My husband has not returned my affections that i used to have for him forover 5yrs.all he wants from me is sex and I wont be used anymore.It is due to a “JUST FRIENDS”relationship.Ican not find a job and have no money to leave.Iam asking that you PLEASE pray for me as I have prayed and will keep praying for you.Thank-you andGOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!!!!



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Joy

posted May 6, 2007 at 5:42 pm


Reading these stories makes me realize how “normal” Iam to have been a part of these circumstances. I think we all have in common that common bond of the need to be heard, not just to be loved. After all, shouldn’t the people in our lives love us enough to want to hear our voices and opinoins? When we feel emotionally dissconnected, it’s human nature to eventually feel attracted, emotionally or physically, to another human that is willing to listen, express concern, and connect soul to soul. I think pure physical attraction is never as hurtful, for we can all gives our bodies to another without being in love, it is our CHOICE. But when you give yourself emotionally to another, it is because we are on a much deeper, more spiritual plane, and that can be the ultimate insult to our spouse. For, we most likely had that connection with our spouse at one time, and if we allow ourselves to disconnect, we will end up connecting to someone else eventually! It’s human nature to want to have mental and emotional connections to others, that what friends are for. We make that lost connection to our spouse even more permanent without ever will be physically unfaithful….. I, myself, am twice divorced, and if I can look back and see what went wrong, there was a emotional affair brewing long before there was any cheating, BOTH times. I now think that it’s a shame that it took so much screwing up to learn the how-to’s of marriage, I wish that someone had required all of us to take a course on how to keep a marriage togther & strong before so many lives had to be hurt. we are always told or see on TV and in stories about marriages ending over physical affairs, but we all know we CHOOSE to physically be with another AFTER we have lost our marital “connection” and are seeking consultation, advice, approval, or just a sounding board for our souls. Our souls are not physically bound, so why should our hearts be? An affair is more about the emotional than the physical betrayal, and that is the ultimate insult that will doom a marriage.



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Steven

posted May 6, 2007 at 7:30 pm


Joy said it well; there is not much I can say to add to her words. From my own experience, it is indeed the emotional loss that is the most hurtful. Without the emotional and spiritual connection, there is really nothing of substance left to sustain a marriage. The almost inevitible physical betrayal that follows just lends insult to injury and intensifies the pain. When will we ever learn?



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Lisa

posted July 3, 2007 at 5:43 am


I would like to talk to the person that posted a comment named Anna I went though the same things that she did and I would like to see how to handle the problem I’m in my e-mail is leeski_775@yahoo.com. Thanks
Lisa



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Sad

posted July 16, 2007 at 8:19 am


How do you recover from an emotional affair though once you end it? Especially after 8 months it feels like a real life break up and it hurts!



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jackie

posted July 16, 2007 at 9:11 am


I’m reading these posts 15 months after discovering my husband’s brief emotional affair with an old college girlfriend. They ran into each other at a business conference. As many others have experienced, my husband blatantly denied it. Cell phone records & emotionally charged emails don’t lie. He then shifted to admitting that he was ‘just catching up with her’. Strangely enough, she got hurt by him too. Her fantasy of them getting back together after all these years, despite her marriage & daughter, failed to happen. We were disconnecting from the marriage because we were having problems parenting his then 15 yr. old son. I am a full-time step mom. One good thing that came out of this mess is that my stepson sided with me, was furious with his father and now is very protective, loving and respectful to me. They both know that I stayed to repair our marriage because I didn’t want to be another mother to walk out of that boy’s life. But how do I really feel about my husband? Never in a million years would I have ever thought he’s cheat, but what spouse does? how does a person forget this? I act like I’m over it, but I’m not. Although my husband has become so much more open & affectionate to me than before all this happened, I don’t buy it. In my mind, he’s got something on the side with someone else but doesn’t want to not have me in his life. Paranoia, perhaps, but it’s killing me. Yoga, meditation & exercise helps me to not show my true feelings. Will time eventually heal?



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pat

posted July 16, 2007 at 10:23 am


how can a women talk about being so hurt over her husbands affair and then go out and have one herself? does she not think of the other women she is hurting? this new man being no different than her husband?
I have been divorced twice. each time I indured years of marriage to an unfaithfull husband, when I left he was devistated simply because I did not leave him for another man!
I’ve been on my own and celibate for 14 years now. I have learned so much about life and myself. I still fantasize of having a man but find myself looking at the ones who are just like my last two. I would never lower myself to have a married man. after all then I would be that women who helped destroy some other familys life. the man would be no different than my ex’s.
come on ladies, give it up!



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jaimi

posted July 16, 2007 at 11:00 am


My live in boyfriend had and is still an affair with the bookeeper at his work. I moved out in May, and when I finally found out the truth from her, she said it was only natural because they worked together 12 hours a day and he has been living with her since I left him. I hurt, and she also said she fully knew about me, which makes her scum, but I need to learn to be free from him now, and heal. But yes, do watch those warning signs. He had begun talking alot about her, her cooking, how good of a bookkeeper she was, how she was driving him places during work, things were always about her towards when I left…..



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Anonymous

posted July 16, 2007 at 5:29 pm


Opposite sex friendships are very difficult in marriage but not impossible. I believe the only way they can remain pure is when the married person is completely open and honest about his/her relationship with the friend. It’s important that the “friend” also reach out as a “friend” to the spouse. This is not always easy since most spouses don’t want anything to do with an opposite sex friend of their spouse. I am in the process of a divorce after over 30 years of marriage. My husband was in and out of the marriage for the last ten years, starting with an affair that lasted for over four years. I didn’t find out about it until it was over. He came back and we tried over and over but his heart wasn’t into it. He thought it would be too much work and too hard to go through the counseling and so finally two years ago left. Right after he left I got back in touch with an old friend that I hadn’t seen or heard from for almost 25 years. We had always had a spiritual connection because we met at church and shared our faith. I was married only two years at the time and he was single. We were both in our early twenties. Our getting back in touch after so many years was truly a miracle and not something that either one of us pursued – it just happened. He has been a great source of encouragement and strength to me. He is married for almost twenty years – his marriage has been difficult at times (whose hasn’t?) but because he is a committed Christian (as am I) there is an understanding between us that this would never become physical. I realize that we are emotionally dependent on one another – we talk a few times a week; but he lives a distance from me and we have only seen one another four times in the past two years. This has been a protection as well – his wife knows about his friendship with me and he tries to keep everything above-board. I think we both know that if we had met when neither one of us was married that the two of us would be together but God obviously had other plans for our lives. Both of us are learning and growing through the struggles in our marriages and leaning on one another is a gift. Every day I pray that God will keep my love for him pure and chaste – believe me this is not easy – but after having my husband cheat on me I would certainly never want to be the other woman. I struggle with this friendship because I do understand that in some ways his wife is not there for him emotionally and so he is leaning on me – yet I also believe that we are not animals and just because you love someone and believe that if things were different you could be together – doesn’t mean that we have to jump into bed and have sex. The Bible says that in heaven there is no longer any marriage and that the love we will have for one another will be amazing – I choose to believe that I am getting a taste of that kind of love with my friend and he with me right here and now on earth. I pray everyday for his wife and children and for their marriage and there is never any suggestive talk between us. Sometimes we can’t help the feelings of love that we have for certain people – even not speaking to him or emailing wouldn’t stop the love we feel in
our hearts – but we do have the wisdom and self-control that comes from God to keep the relationship pure. None of this would be possible without God’s help as well as the physical distance between us which is really a protection that God has put into the relationship.
Having him in my life has made me realize that if I were to marry again I would want a man like him – someone who loves the Lord and is committed to God, someone with a great sense of humor who is kind and gentle. He has restored my hope that there are men like that out there and with God’s help and if it is God’s will He will bring someone like him into my life at the right time. Until then I will enjoy our friendship and continually hold it up to the light of God and if anything inappropriate goes on in my mind or heart I am quick to confess it and ask God’s forgiveness. I never let him know when I am feeling or thinking these kinds of things – that just opens the door to talk that will lead you down a bad road. We both know we belong to God and that our friendship is a gift that we don’t want to abuse.



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Jennifer

posted July 16, 2007 at 5:51 pm


The song sums it up best dangerously in love that is exactly how I feel. I am trying to find the courage to walk out of this emostional affair I am involed in . It will be 1 year next month and it has been the most fullfilling and destructive relationship. For the first three months everything was great he has meet every one in my family including close friends of mine. I have yet to meet just one of his friends and or any of his family, I guess for good reason, see I am the other woman, and have so much guilt. Recently last month we didnt speak or see each other or email or nothing, I just knew it was finally over with, and one email started what we are currently involved in, he talks to me everyday and we have spent a great deal of time together again, he even came over yesterday and had dinner with my parents again and they havent talked to him since Christmas when my dad asked me if he was married. I was sick to mystomach to have him around the house like he used to be, he even helped me remoldel my room, but just when I let the nerves calm down , I lied to my heart again and said oh it is ok for him to be all involved again in family and be in the house like he used to be , as if everything he has done and continues to do didnt exist. It was about 9 pm and he sunddenly looked at me and said I have to go get my brother, I asked him he was coming back he said I will call u later, my heart hit the floor. He didnt call last night and I am sure he wasnt up all night wondering about everything like I was. Then he calls today like it never happended. Know he must not be happy with her or he wouldnt keep coming back, but then again why the hell would he leave, he has me and her and I know he is married . I have made it ok for him to continue to do this . I know in my heart this will not have a happy ending . They have a 2 yr old daughter together and have been married for 5 yrs. He keeps telling me to let him handle it and dont give up. I have 2 daughters ages 10 and 14 and I just cant let them believe this is happy relationship. I can honestly say the longer this has gone on the harder to walk away, I just want my heart back from him , I dont think I will ever get that back , not from him. I will heal, hopefully soon. And really I couldnt bring myself to marry him , I will never trust him , so why stay in this dangerous relationship, I feel trapped . But I have to take control back and only I can make this stop. I know I will be the one to end this . Because he has the world at his feet two women completely in love with him and neither will let him go.



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Angel

posted July 17, 2007 at 12:43 am


I am not married but I am falling into an emotional relationship with a man (he is also single), that started out as a good friends and then he started treating me different and telling me nice things that I haven’t herd in 4 yrs. Now he seems to try to avoid me but he stills calls he asks me sometimes if Im his friend, but I would like to tell him that I most want to be with him 4 ever. He kisses me tender and hugs me all the time. I think he doesn’t want to get involve but it’s starting to and he is just scared. I have kids and maybe thats what is scaring him. But I am head over heels for him.



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Regrets

posted July 17, 2007 at 3:27 am


I have been addicted to a man for years now. He was divorced and I was in an unhappy marriage. I came to him for counsel. He asked questions and altho’ he had a girlfriend, focused on me. He made me feel special behind her back. We emailed each other even tho’ for awhile we didn’t see each other at all. We began talking on the phone again and he was devastated by the backing off of his girlfriend from him. I asked him later if that is why he went for me one night but he claimed “I chose you.” As a minister he knew what he was doing was wrong but he needed my time and attention. Unfortunately, he needed more than that. I came to talk with him one time when I was devastated myself. He told me later that he did what any man would do, given the opportunity. His girlfriend finally decided to come back to him and he tried to make me history as tho’ nothing had ever happened. I am special and wouldn’t let him just walk away. He threatened to leave the state but I stood firm. He later married but too soon for my recovery. There have been too many tears and hurts and pains for both of us. We are both trying to put our lives together separately again but it is not easy. I will never let his people know but he lives with tremendous guilt. I will never forget the pain but I will always feel the need for him to keep in communication with me. I have to know how things are going for him, even tho’ he is not playing the major part in my life that he played. I have to hear from him whether by email or phone every week. It is a horrible addiction that I hope someday will be more like once a month but I don’t know. We really got close. We spent so much time together. He lied to her then told me each lie. He was and is honest with me. I feel sorry for her. She thinks we don’t communicate but we do. He communicates as a friend and I try to communicate as a friend altho’ I still have some strong feelings. He told me all of his heart’s hidden secrets and I have to keep them hidden for him. He is so afraid that I will crack but I can’t. I must be faithful to our friendship. The whole situation is so sad but I can’t just turn away. If I did, to me I would be sending a message of hate and not love. I have to keep in communication because I feel at fault for his nervous condition. I wish somehow I could take that night back and this time have the state of mind to say, “NO!” Unfortunately, the clock keeps ticking…



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tiny

posted July 17, 2007 at 9:08 am


Hi, I think i have been addicted to a make believe relationship. I have been knowing this man for 6 years,seperated from him for 4 years and since then he has got married, had a child and left his wife back and forth but still hangs around. i dont know what to call our relationship or even if i really want to be bothered anymore.



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2 old 4 this

posted July 17, 2007 at 10:48 pm


I have come to realize that I have not learned anything from my previous relationships meaning that I am the one loving and in this case I am a single Christian woman with children still at home; I was engaged 6 years ago and the relationship ended bcus I didn’t want to acknowledge the signs that were present until I had to get the law involved; a friend not an immediate friend but a younger man that I know and was attracted to but was afraid of getting inviolved then 2 years later it happened we had this affair 4 years on and off which during this time he became engaged and separated but didn’t want a serious relationship; had women in and out of his life but didn’t want a serious relationship with me but still seeing each other until reasonally I can’t keep doing this to myself it hurts and I don’t know y I gave him gifts, attention, loyalty, and I didn’t get anything in return but sex and I was blaming myself on y he doesn’t want me I can’t do it any longer I’m recognizing this pattern and prayerfully I am breaking this insecurity in the Name of Jesus bcus love is not supposed to hurt and this man cares about me in his own way I guess I’m trying to justify our relaitonship but for 4 years I was nothing but a play toy and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired



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A Fool 4 Love

posted July 18, 2007 at 7:45 pm


I’ve been seeing this guy for off 7 on now for about 8 months and I have totally fallen in love with him (although 8 months isn’t a very long time).We have been through alot of ups & downs some on my part and some on him but through it all I have been the one fighting to stay together and tring to do what ever so he will know that I love him and only want to be with him.Everytime something go wrong he tells me to let go but I couldn’t and always went back calling,texting,sending cards,and even writing letters all that he wouldn’t even respond to then one day I seen him driving this jeep who I found out belonged to another girl he was seeing and a friend of mine ,who lives next door to his sister called me and told me that he was to his sister’s house outside with the girl who drives the jeep so there I was stuck hurt and upset but with the fact that he was with her around his family and driving her jeep as bad as I knew I loved him I deceided to let go,so I stop calling,texting and all .I was doing good I had gotten to a point to where I could talk to my friends without talking about him than there he go begain to come up to my job,calling and the next thing I know I’m right back all into him thinking that he has left the other girl than bout 2 weeks had past he had stayed the night an dI had to be to work at 5A.M. so I left him home and when one of the cashiers got to work bout 9 she told me girl I seen —— at the bank yesterday wit dat same girl so I really got hot because here I was dumb thinking he had left the girl alone and it was all about me because he was the one who started things back up wit me .Well I ask him about it & he made like it wasn’t nothing to it so I stayed with him because he kept telling me that she was just his friend and he never slept with her plus she was pregeant and the guy had left her so he was just being a friend okay I went alone with it but still kept throwing her name up in his face. We begain talking about moving together in a mobilehome. We even went looking for land to put it on then all of a sudden July 7th he tells me to let go,move on,that I deserve better,he can’t give me what I need so I’m crying all upset asked why he tells me that it was somebody else I began to go off cussing talking loud and all he can say is I’m tring to be honset with you and you think i’m lying.He told me that he couldn’t bring hisself to tell me the truth before when I had ask him over and over again about this girl.The thing that gets me is that she has no job,no car because he told me that thats her momma jeep I seen him in, lives wit her momma,and just had a new born baby which is going to bring baby daddy drama. This is who he left me for I’m an assistant manager,have my own place,cook have cook homemade dinners for him,clean,have my own car I just don’t understand I do know that it’s not what you have but you should at least have something to work with so the two of you can build up what you’ll already have.I don’t know how to let go I love him so much even after all the lies,hurt and pain.I went through a big fight Say. with my kids daddy and he found out about it from his sister and called me I wanted so bad to break down and tell all but I keep my guide up so he wine up coming over to my house with his sister later that night we all talked and they left after he got home he called me,he wanted to come stay the night but I wouldn’t say so .We talked a while and hung up the next moring I text him letting him know that I wanted him to come over that night and ask if all he was saying on the phone the night before was still on the table.He did like always and didn’t respond so about 3hours later I text back letting him know to forget about it because I wasn’t going to sell myself short and settle for sex only .He haven’t called nither have I but I can’t sleep at night or hardly eat.I’m in love with someone who cares nothing about me.How can I move from here when there is noone else I want to be with but him?



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forever confused

posted July 21, 2007 at 10:08 pm


Oh WOW this article totally hit home!! I have the life of a sad confused soap opera! I am a very religious mormon and was dating the man of my dreams who was also mormon! Which was very important to me only because my dad was an alcoholic and I just wanted to make sure I married a man who had his act together BUT I still loved the bad boy too! We met and emailed first for a few weeks and fell madly inlove! every night was spent emailing each other because he lived in Utah! So then he came down and we went on the most magical romantic first date ever! we knew we already loved each other from emails but then when we met and there was such a strong physical attraction too! It was perfect!! He was my dream man! CUTE ,TALL ,SO FUNNY, Mormon but still had a wild side, and absolutely ADORABLE!! WE just went so fast! I was 20 living at home and he was in Utah so we would be talking on the phone and just miss each other so badly that we would sneak out at midnight and meat each other 1/2 way which was about 2.5 hours! We didn’t have much money so we would just stay up and talk all night and sleep in the back of one of our cars! We were DEFINITALY SO SO IN LOVE AND MAJOR ADDICTED!! I mean he moved home after a month of weekend visits and we spent every single minute together! Even when I would go to work he would come and wait 3 hours just to be with me as soon as I was done!! We both felt just as strongly for each other and had never been so completely inlove and so so happy! It was Amazing! Every minute we were apart from each other was almost painful! Then WE got really serious and I made some morality mistakes with him! He was my first in everything!! That is a very very big sin in my church so I was so confused!! I was the first girl he had ever loved and would just say he didn’t feel guilty because he knew we were madly inlove and would spend the rest of our lives together!!! I would never have made those mistakes or choices with him if I didn’t know we would be getting married! I saved myself for marriage! Well then about 8 months into it he started to change! I had decided we were going to get married and I wanted us to be as clean as possible in the eyes of the church! SO I confessed and stopped sleeping with him! I was filled with so much guilt and confusion because people kept saying if he really loved you he wouldn’t have taken that from you! He would have had respect for you and saved it for marriage! I got that from everyone after they found out! I just didn’t believe them! We laughed tell we cried! We loved to be together because we had the same sense of humor and we truly did bring out the best in each other!!So I was trying to abstane and he kept pushing me and pushing me! It became a battle. So I started to think maybe he doesn’t love me if he keeps pushing me! So tension started! I told him we should take a break because I couldn’t handle all the guilt and stress of trying to be good! It was so hard because of coarse i wanted too but I really wanted to start our marriage out clean! so he took a summer job in California and the day he left a part of me died! I just knew that for some reason we were not going to be together again! I stayed in my room for an entire week hardly eating always trying to sleep and when awake just crying and crying! I lived for his phone calls! i missed him so much it hurt! Then I started hanging out with his best friend! He had told him to take me out and keep an eye on me so I didn’t date anyone else! He was so much fun and such a good good guy! He had a good job was going to school to be a Dr. He treated me better than I had ever been treated! He let me talk about my heartache and feelings for Ryan and just cry on his lap! he comforted me and would always tell me how amazing I was! Then He started being really cute! Then he found out that my boyfriend was drinking and partying with lots of girls and messing around! He had also decided that he didn’t want to be a mormon anymore! So we kind of broke up because I didn’t know what else to do!I had so much pressure from my family and everyone that if he wasn’t mormon I DEfinetly can absolutely not marry him unless I wanted to have a horrible split life and not get the blessings from our church that would bind us together with our kids forever! I loved him so much that it really did take every single part of me and closed it off. i became a very sad and cold person! I still throughout all of this had his best friend which I will call BF. He just talked me through everything and was so stable and safe and of coarse the All American boy and perfect mormon! Had never strayed in his life! He just made me feel really safe! I knew what to expect from him, I knew for a fact I could trust him and that no matter what he would never hurt me like R (boyfriend) did! So one day BF told me that he loved me and wanted to be more than friends. I was suprised but flattered and I really truly did feel this strange peaceful feeling come over me and even though I still loved R I said yes! BF called R and told him that he loved me and wanted to be with me and that caused a huge uproar!! R called me and said Bf just called me and told me that he loved you! Do you love him?! He was so upset and hurt that his best friend and first love starting dating!! I said you have just been so confusing and up one day down the next cheating on me, lying to me, drinking and now you don’t even believe in GOD!!! I just can’t do that to my future kids! He was like you can’t you can not do that to me! I love you and even though we have broken up and gotten back I was going to buy you an engagement ring and propose!!! I started crying and was like he just makes me feel safe and he is so steady where we are always either so high or so down! He treats me so so well! And he makes me feel good about myself! That is why I said I would date him!> R freaked out and got in his car at 9 pm and started driving from Fresno California! I didn’t know he was doing this because I was so so so upset that I was crying so hard i wouldn’t take his calls! I just layed in bed miserable! He kept calling and calling so I turned off my phone! Then at around 5 am I was woken up by this light flashing into my room and knocking! When I looked out and saw his face I just melted all over again! He said he was going to try and be mormon again and he just held me and told me how he refuses to loose me especially to his best friend! He apologized and we talked and he told me to tell BF that I would not date him or ever talk to him again! So I went out to dinner with BF and was going to tell him but he was just so sweet! He was like I so wish I could just take you away from all this stress and drama! I just want to protect you! I was so torn I said Ryan wants me to tell you I will never see you again!He looked me straight in the eyes and said what do you want! I suprised myself when I said I still love R so much but I can’t imagine not having you! You are my rock, my strength! You have taught me how a girl should be treated…. So he asked me to just atleast go to his cabin with his family to watch the fireworks and just relax with no Tv or phone! just mountains and fresh air! I thought that sounded so nice! so I said ok I will go with you this weekend when R leaves just to relax and think things out! So he dropped me off at R house and drove away! so I told R I tried and we will just be friends! So the rest of the week was another reminder of our addictive relationship~ We would fight and then be madly inlove, then fight then be madly inlove! It was such a roller coaster! So the day he left I went to the cabin with BF and his family and it was so RElaxing and Amazingly fun! I loved every minute of it! Bf was so sweet to his family and did everything for them! He was always just making sure everything was done so the girls didn’t have to do any work and he just loved serving us and taking care of us! I knew then that he would be an amazing husband! He treated his mom SO well and his siters adored him and everyone loved eachother so much! I didn’t have a stable family life at all!! It was so comforting! So refreshing to see such
strong christians and faith and love and support for each other! So while I was there with BF R was having sex with some girl in vegas that week! I was not even expecting any physical contact because we hadn’t even kissed! PLus I knew he would never pressure me for more because he was so good and strong! So one night we were out talking around the campfire and just got lost in a great conversation! we cuddled up together and talked and laughed then had our first kiss! WE hung out for months with no kissing and i had never done that before! It was great and we kissed all night! He slept on the floor of my room because he didn’t want to leave! He just looked at me and said I just can’t believe I am kissing (my full name) It is a dream come true! So after I found out R was now having sex with lots of girls I just knew he would break my heart! so I started to date BF seriously! R was still extremely hurt and felt betrayed and their group of friends were divided some thought that he was out of line and that me and R were just meant to be together and some were on BF side because they knew how much he loved me and the way he treated me! It was so terrible! No one however was crazy about me! So it was really hard! The problem was that even though we were dating R and I just couldn’t stand not talking to eachother for longer than a week! We would talk and just miss eachother and then I would tell BF about how I still loved him but was also falling inlove with him! I was so torn!! So I would go and visit R sometimes and we would just love being together but then end up in a fight because he was so bitter at me for dating his BF! So he just couldn’t stop his bitterness so he was always just a little rude and broke my heart over and over! He just didn’t fight for me! I just wanted him so badly to at least fight for me! Or even just pretend he believed in God! So I dated BF seriously for about 7 months and he was wanting to get married!! So I still not even over my addictive relationship freaked out and moved to A different state (where R happened to live) to give us one more chance and so I could have some alone time to date and do whatever I wanted with no attachments! So did go out with my friends and play and date and I also dated him and again we were just so happy together and saw each other a lot! So I was trying so hard to get him to at least believe in something like an after life or hell or sin or God or even Christ!!! But he told me he didn’t believe in any of that! I remember when I found out how serious he was I just got so sick to my stomach that we had to stop the car so I could throw up!! I was just crying so hard!! He was like I don’t even want to get married but you can move in with me! That is the only way we can be together!! WHICH HELLO Big Sin in my church!! So I left him again knowing it was over and just died!! ,BF had also been calling me and visited me and sent me flowers all the time and was so heartbroken that I was doing this!! So for his sake I broke it off completely and wouldn’t even take his calls! For at least 2 months!! I went home because R and I had this terrible sort of break up! He was crying on his knees I was crying and I got so sad I went home and took like 4 nyquil and went to bed and called my family! They came and got me and I was so thin and sick I just layed there not talking! (which is huge for me, You know something is REALLY wrong if that happens)I knew that we loved eachother so deeply but the only thing in our way was the Church and Christ! A part of me died again that night. I still have not really laughed since then and that was 6 years ago! i still haven’t been able to feel my feelings very strong either!! So I am home and I saw BF and he was still so sweet and forgiving of me! He was so respectful even though I broke his heart!! He was just that stable person and really buff and skinny because he was so depressed he stopped eating! But he looked so good! So we started things back up! He knew I wasn’t over R still but he also knew I couldn’t be with him! So within a couple of months of being home we decided to get married! It was so hard because I knew he would be an amazing husband and father and he would keep my rebelious self under control! I loved him as much as my heart would let me which wasn’t a lot since i had no emotions any more! My heart just stayed broken! BF’s family became REALLY REALLY mean and Viscious! They told him it was them or me! They wouldn’t except me and I was not good enough any more because I broke up with him! so when we told them we were getting married they cried and were not supportive! As time got closer and closer to the wedding R did continue to call and ask me not to get married! that he would try to be what I wanted him to be as spiritual as he could!Then he started to try and convince me that the church wasn’t true and that there was no Christ or God! I just started to become bitter and confused and I was so sick of having my heart broken! I just finally closed off my emotions and gave as many as I could which was everything I had that wasn’t locked away and broken! I told him you know that there is still issues with R and that I am having a hard time being fully inlove because I was still so sad! he told me that he loved me enough for both of us!
Sorry this us such a novel! at least I hope everyone is getting a good picture so they can help me as best they can!!
The wedding day came and I just became terrified! i again didn’t speak at all to anyone! We were driving 7 hours to where his family had all been married! The whole drive I just wanted to disappear! I wanted to jump out of the car and run away into the mountains! Then we passed R apartment! WE could see if from the highway and I just thought please come and fight for me! come and take me away! But I just kept trusting that I was making the right decision and this is what god would want for me and he will make us happy because we are both doing everything the right way! I actually was just so sick until we got there! we drove up to this amazingly beautiful castle like temple that was just breath taking in the night all lit up! As soon as I saw that I did calm down and think This is right, this is where I should be! I stayed in a hotel with my mom and sisters and we just played and laughed all night! They were having a hard time letting me go also! So the next morning came and I was very excited and we were married and it was beautiful and romantic and felt really good! But right off the bat for some reason having sex (which I hadn’t for 2 years) just made me feel bad! I think it was because it was that that hurt me so badly and destroyed my relationship with R. i felt like I was almost cheating on R for some reason! I had all this guilt! Well we got over it with enough times :> But then we went on a short honey moon to where R lived!! The thing that was so so bad is that even during our honey moon i was hoping we would run into him so I could see him! or at least make him regret letting me go!! Now I am going to give you a little break because I am only half way through the whole story!! it just gets more tangled and confusing and heart break after heartbreak! I have never had real real peace and where I could finally open my heart back up! and I still have yet to let it go and I have been married for 5 years! So I will write the rest of the story later! This one probably already holds the record for the longest comment ever made! :> Thanks for your patience in reading it all! I just really want so good honest advice on how to let go of this addictive relationship that is still in our lives! Things after we got married just got worse!! I just keep hurting all the people I love! I just can’t find true happiness like I used to have! Ok Later you can get the rest of the very juicy screwed up life of mine! :>



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brie

posted August 1, 2007 at 6:45 am


i met someone thru work during a rough patch in my marriage. the relationship started over the phone, then email, then in person. i really enjoyed talking with him, and then seeing him. he came on really strong in the beginning, but then began to go thru a rough time with family struggles and illness. he stopped being available, and shut down. I gave him space, but called occassionally to check on his emotional status, and he remained cold. I asked him what was going on, but he never answered, and eventually i became angry and i guess that was the last straw for him. i think of him less and less, and believe he may have met someone else. this article has helped me to understand what the relationship was, although i wanted more, a larger part of me is glad that nothing more happened, as i have been able to restore my marriage and family.



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Vickie Robinson

posted November 10, 2007 at 7:20 pm


I just recently became a mormon, and there are some guidelines to follow. i loved your stroy and would like to hear the rest.
thank you



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Michael

posted November 23, 2007 at 11:55 pm


I can relate to all above, ………what do you do, what is the power they have over us? Not always sex. For me this person makes me want to be more, to be a better person than I am, to grow, my muse. But………… Just another fool.



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Cosima

posted April 10, 2008 at 2:22 pm


Michael, yeah, what a fantastic excuse you’re giving to yourself buddy! “I’m powerless, what can I do?” and that person inspires you…why? supposing you’re married or in a relationship with a woman who believes you to be all for her, you’re letting the person ‘Who makes me want to be more’ make you into a liar and a cheat…Nice! But the excuse, the alibi you’re giving to yourself is good…at least for you, it gives you a host of reasons to cheat and lie.
If that person is knowingly helping you cheat then she’s not an inspiration she’s a ho, so your aspirations to become a better person must rank pretty low!
@Fool4Love:
That guy is a liar forget him! He’s not only lying to you, he’s also lying to the girl who has his baby. There are men like that, always having the need to keep a few women in ‘just in case’. He’s a user and if you’re falling for his lies and excuses then you’ve only yourself to blame for all the heartache, disappointments and humiliations.



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Owned by his acceptance Only

posted April 10, 2008 at 3:02 pm


WELL I’M NO MORMAN,I FIND THAT MY BELEIF IN CHRIST IS MY CHOICE SO I’LL ASSUME THIS WILL BE POSTED ANYWAY, UNBIASED COMMENTS, CORRECT? THANK YOU! YOU WOULD THINK THAT AFTER TRYING TO BE WHAT ANOTHER PERSON WANTS YOU TO BE, THIS IS AFTER YOU’VE BEEN REELED IN, NOT ONCE, NOT THRICE BUT I LOST COUNT. THAT AT 44 YRS OF AGE I WOULD OF KNOWN IT WOULD COME DOWN TO ‘WHAT HIS FAMILY WANTED HIM TO DO,BE WITH,AND OR MAYBE ONE OF THEM WANTS HIM THEMSELVES’. I’VE JUMPED INTO THE FRYING OIL THIS TIME WITH EYES WIDE OPEN THINKING, BELEIVING IN ALL OF THE FLOWERS, I LOVE YOU’S , YOU ARE MY ROCK, I NEED YOU, WE WILL NEVER PART AGAIN THAT I’M FLABERGASTED AND P/O AT MYSELF FOR LOOKING LIKE A HO’, LIVING LIKE A HO’. THIS IS WHAT OTHERS SEE AND BELEIVE I FEEL AFTER READING THIS POST. IT STARTED OUT READING THE 20 SIGNS OF SUICIDE IN THE MONTH OF MARCH THEN THIS PAGE APPEARED. I CAN SO RELATE TO LOSS THAT THERE ISNT A LARGE ENOUGH HOLE FOR ME TO CLIMB IN OUT OF HIS SIGHT ACCORDING TO THE WAY I’M TREATED TODAY COMPARED TO 9 MONTHS AGO. I HOPE OTHERS SEE YOUR SITE, AND OPEN THEIR EYES, I’VE BEGGED FOR A PRIVATE CONVERSATION, ESPECIALLY SINCE I DIDN’T WANT IT SENT IN AN EMAIL, THEREFORE I JUST WILL POST THAT I’VE MADE MY OWN BED AND MUST FIND A HOME. THE JOB HE SO NEEDED FOR ME TO BE HIS SUPPORT FOR HE WAS DOING FINE ALONE. I JUST REALIZED THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I BEG IF I WERE TO AGAIN THAT HE FULLY INTENDS TO ALLOW ME TO MAKE A LARGER FOOL OF MYSELF THAN I’VE ALREADY DONE. BUT MILES AWAY FROM WHAT IS MY ADDRESS AND NO CONVERSING OF THE PROBLEMS BETWEEN HE AND MYSELF, SAYS IT ALL. I’M NOT ABOUT TO END MY LIFE, I PLAN TO LIVE IT UNTIL MY TIME TO LEAVE EARTH IS AT HAND, BUT I CHALLENGE ANYBODY THAT READS THESE COMMENTS, TO REALLY TAKE THE TIME TO READ THEM WELL. I WAS DUMPED BEFORE I WAS PICKED UP! WAY TO GO MEN, THESE DAYS THERE SEEMS TO BE NONE THAT ISN’T A HO’ THEMSELVES. AFTER ALL, ONCE A ADDICT ALWAYS AN ADDICT, BE IT TO THE NEED FOR LOVE OR THE NEED FOR DRUGS. I BEST PRAY FOR GUIDANCE BECAUSE I WOLDN’T HAVE SAID I’LL LEAVE IF THE VIBES OF YOU’RE INVADING MY SPACE NOW WERE NOT WHERE HE AND I CURRENTLY SIT. I’M FINISHED WITH YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONESTLY TAKEN IN THE BEGINNING. NOW, I’M SURE SINCE I MADE THIS POST IF IT IS READ BY THE PERSON WHOM IS SUPPOSE TO LOVE ME AND CARE FOR MY WELFARE THE MOST SINCE WE SHARED EVERYTHING READS THIS, THEN I’LL BE ACCUSED OF SPREADING OUR BUSINESS TO EVERYONE. NOT TRUE, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD DOESN’T READ THE TRUE BLOGS.BTW/ THE SMALL PRINT WILL BE MISSED THAT YOUR NAME AND EMAIL ADDRESS IS NOT SUPPLIED, IT IS PRIVATE TO THE PERSON POSTING AND TO THE SITES LEGAL STATEMENT OF PRIVACY. THANKS FOR THIS LINK, NEXT TIME I’LL JUST NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR A NEXT TIME TO HEAR SUCH A DREAM WORLD EXISTS. BUT I’LL BE ALIVE, SO BELEIVE THAT. TNKS



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Kevin

posted April 11, 2008 at 1:21 pm


I simply can’t help that women are attracted to me, develop crushes, and want to have emotional affairs with me. I’m a victim. Ask my 17 year old son…we don’t have a Mom living with us. So, we keep a baseball bat by the door to drive away all those venial sinning women. I can’t be held responsible for their venial sins when all’s I do is conduct myself as a gentleman. Men have it rough—and divorced men have it roughest of all. No violins…just throw money or shoot bullets (humor…humor…supposed to be good for our health)



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Anonymous

posted April 11, 2008 at 2:57 pm


It’s “venal” Kevin.
The screaming poster (all caps) makes no sense! Good that she’s no “Morman” otherwise she’ll be sharing the bed with a few other ‘wives’.



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Tricia

posted April 12, 2008 at 3:33 am


Kevin,
As Monk would say:
” You make me LOL out loud.” :-)



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DDuck

posted April 14, 2008 at 3:41 pm


The only thing I can honestly say that I have lived enough years to watch and pray that it never happens to me or any one in my family is that there is enough FREE SEX,LOVE,and ADVICE going on in the world instead of us acting like grown ups and taking care of our own like we should ALL be doing to begin with……With all the free porno sites and three at one time(and sometimes more)and the free advice on where to look if you want someone other than your spouse (and supposedly never get caught)and free sex with no MORAL OR OBLIGATIONAL RULES in this world anymore what were you expecting??? When we make it so easy to divorce or sleep around or see someone elses mate and no body says anything or corrects it or looks down on it even though GOD DOES! Please, adultery is adultery, any way you look at it, and we ALL have to answer to a higher being!



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Douglas Cootey

posted April 16, 2008 at 2:35 am


Excellent list, Therese. I got mildly caught up in numbers 5 and 6 thirteen years ago with a friend of my wife and mine. Didn’t see it coming. Nobody was more surprised than I was when I started developing feelings for this girl. We would just chat about everything while my wife was in the room. It seemed so innocent that I was just prepared to brush it off as mixed signals within my mind. About the same week I was talking with a therapist about it and she described it as emotional infidelity. I hadn’t thought about it like that, but she was right. I was enjoying talking to this girl because she was a conversationalist unlike my wife. I had unwittingly given a piece of my heart out to her. So I went home that day and confessed to my wife and the friend. Cooled things off right there and then. Made things nice and awkward. LOL
However, I learned a valuable lesson. I will be celebrating my 20th anniversary this August with my wife and I have never cheated on her. Because of that one moment in my marriage I know now how I could fall and I’ve been on guard ever since.
BTW, I am a Mormon and I’m puzzled by some of the comments above. We haven’t practiced polygamy since 1890. That’s 118 years, folks, and far longer NOT practicing polygamy than we did practice it.
~Douglas
The Splintered Mind – Overcoming Neurological Disabilities With Lots Of Humor And Attitude



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KT

posted May 23, 2008 at 12:32 am


This article can help a person set good boundaries and become aware of how easy it is to slide down the slippery slope of an emotional affair.
Good for you all in recognizing this!



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Lisa

posted May 23, 2008 at 11:40 am


My former spouse was in an emotional affair with a ” just friend”. He was more interested in her feeling and needs than mine.. He is now an ex !! The above signs are true because I experienced them all.



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BobbieJA

posted May 24, 2008 at 4:54 pm


I am a single (divorced) woman who is in an emotional affair with a single (never married) man. It can happen.
•We are “just friends.”
•I think and daydream about him, though I don’t think he daydreams about me. (It’s not becoming more frequent though; I am trying to attend to my own life so I won’t have time to daydream.)
•I spend most of the week counting the days until I see him at the weekly volunteer job we share.
•When something good happens, I immediately want to tell him. And I save up little things from my week to share with him.
•We share our deep feelings, petty annoyances, and personal problems.
•Since we are neither of us in a other relationships, we aren’t compared to spouses or tempted to keep secrets. But one of the things we share is a commitment to truthfulness. For instance, on dating websites I am careful to sound out potential partners about their tolerance for opposite sex friendships.
•We do not give intimate gifts, but we have begun giving them. Nothing more than my female friends and I would exchange. But they are not obligatory (pubic occasion) gifts; they are personal and heartfelt.
•We do not spend much time alone. And it has not grown.
Now I have to be honest and say that he has told me he doesn’t find me physically attractive. And I continue to look for a compatible partner. But I realized recently that it will take a tremendously wonderful man to be more emotionally attractive than my friend. And I get the impression that he doesn’t share as much with others. So, yes, it is an emotional affair.



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Lolo

posted May 25, 2008 at 10:45 pm


Oh yes all the things you said are true. I went through all of that. I one day told my ex husband that his female friend would look at him and watch him like a woman that was in love with a man. His response to me was she is “just my friend” and my ex was friends with her husband at the time. He and I seperated and her husband died several months after our seperation, within three months he moved in with her. This affair had went on for sometime I felt more sorry for her husband than I did for myself because I walked away from this toxic relationship and he stayed there until the day of his passing. So there are signs just must be able to see them for what they really are.



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A Member of the BB Community

posted May 25, 2008 at 11:44 pm


Congratulations, Lolo, for finding the strength and wisdom to “walk away from a toxic relationship!” Bravo!



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alex

posted May 26, 2008 at 3:07 am


an emotional affair is one of the most wonderful and detrimental things that can ever happen to you. it is nearly impossible to stop. (if possible!) i am a pastor, should say was. mine ended in a pregnancy that ended my ministry. i never saw it coming. but once i was in it, it was like a drug that i could not live without. my marriage has survived, but my heart has not. i have broken off the wrong relationship, but will be bonded to her for the rest of my life. it is a daily struggle to let go of her. as i said, it was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me, and the most detrimental. you MUST run from it as soon as it starts… or you may never escape before you end up hurting a lot of people you love.
thanks for posting this.



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A Member of the BB Community

posted May 26, 2008 at 4:23 am


Congratulations on being a good husband and father by putting your family first. That’s what makes a man a “good man” in the biblical context.



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myra gregory

posted May 26, 2008 at 6:44 am


sometimes friend is not true . deal with between its not work at all same ususal druink drugs can cause the relatships friendship broke i belive that way . it will not be back same as same friend will be big diffrent for me right now .. i want from on now i am finished with old friends. i fed up now tired of bullshit around with eachtoher and useing me alot she useining me alot too .. well let God watch her in her heart to jesus not me .. my opporoatity is go to see a new friend christian in some where, its very sad for her to listen his frist husband not me thats fine .. its not my true friend then bye them. end of it world .,.. jesus will take care of me things are



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Anonymous

posted May 26, 2008 at 7:56 am


No person ever means for something like this to happen. When it does I
do not believe it’s any one persons fault. In fact I almost feel sorry for the person having the affair where as they feel even if the feeling is guilt and what a shame… Two people take the vows of holy matrimony on a daily basis do they understand what it is that there signing on to. Oneway thinking no longer applies — what’s good for you may interfer with your spouse’s needs wants or desires. What works for you personally may not be the best for the two of you (which would mean sacrifice)and there are few of us willing to go there. Children come along and often times the male becomes the unwanted guest in their own bed – Day or Night… So let’s think before we throw that first stone shall we ???????



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tricia

posted May 26, 2008 at 12:58 pm


i know that my husband is having an emotional affair, he has most of the signs, especially no. 1. what makes it worse is that he thinks he’s justified because of our marriage problems, which extend to in-laws, something that’s difficult for me as a wife to control. of course he blames me for those too. i know that i haven’t been the perfect wife, i am only human, besides, who is perfect? but does that justify having an emotional affair, of getting even? like ‘because you hurt me, i will do what makes ME happy, regardless of the hurt it may cause you?” i get more and more depressed, whenever he picks up his cell phone and SMS’s, whenever he “goes out with his friends,” I see he’s getting more excited being with someone else, thinking about someone else, and that someone isn’t me, his wife. . . and to top it all off, we are supposed to be trying to have another child!!!!



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Teresa

posted May 26, 2008 at 2:17 pm


I have been married 23 years to the same man and we have two children; one is 16 years old and the other is 21 years old (going to college). Our marriage its ups and downs throughout. He has cheated on me at least twice that I know of and I caught him in our driveway making out with one of friends (I thought were friends). So, I have had a lot of anger and resentment.
I just started a new job October 2007 and met a man that makes me laugh and I felt like I was coming alive for the first time in a long time. He knows that I am married and has tested the waters to see if I am interested in having an affair. At first, I really wanted to do this just because I wanted to see if there was in passion left in me. I know that he has issue too because he had been engaged for five years and then he did something that caused the breakup right when he started this job.
I’m not sure that I am still in love with my husband after all that has happened.
Any comments????



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fan

posted May 30, 2008 at 3:04 am


Hello Teresa,
I feel what you are felling. We have all gone through it. If you forgave your husband then let it go. I would recommend finding you again. We often give ourselves to someone else and expect the other person to know what to do with us. Do what makes you happy, meaning walk in the park, reading, or which ever. Do not go out and cheat. This guy is bad news. He is not respectful to his fiancee in which he has no intentions on marrying (engaged for five years, yeah right) he is being disrespectful to you and seeing how much he can get away with. He makes you feel good because you are his prey. He will say and do anything for you to fall for it. If you look at the relationship with your Husband and decide this is not what you want to continue Pray about this and leave him. I believe when he cheated several times he is the one the broke the commitment not you. Separate your self for a while if you have too. If you decide to stay with this guy, let him know, this is going to take a long time for me to heal and in order to gain your trust again I need for you to do this……….Accept nothing less than what you want as well. Instead of spending time with the other guy, spend this with your Husband. Send me a email to let me know you read this. perplewoman@netzero.net
fran



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florence

posted June 16, 2008 at 12:02 pm


I am going through this myself. The affair with the other person is more fulfilling and all the 10 red flags have been noticed but i cant just let go. He just appears when i am strong enough to end the whole affair. I am trapped really and i do love him.



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Katie

posted June 17, 2008 at 6:48 am


I am going through this same thing. My husband cheated on me two years ago and the other woman’s husband and I became very good friends. We email each other everyday and we talk on the phone when we have a chance. It is hard to meet face to face so that is not very often. We have been each other’s sounding board through the whole affair of his wife and my husband. I should hate him for what his wife did and visa versa, but we can’t seem to hate each other. We look forward to our chats and emails. It has been two years and I don’t have the willpower to stop it. He means a lot to me. I have tried many times telling him we can’t email or talk, but that only lasts for a couple of days for both of us. We are both in this emotional rollercoaster and can’t seem to get off. I have tried to separate from my husband, but I am financially dependent at the moment. There are days I can’t stand to look at him. Looking at him reminds me of what he did with the other woman and it makes me physically ill.



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susie

posted June 19, 2008 at 12:41 pm


After reading the above blogs,,,,this is why its just better to remain single and just date casually. It works for me.



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JoAnn

posted June 23, 2008 at 12:07 pm


I went thur what you are going thru now. My x had 2 affairs that I know of. THe first was a woman from the office, that lasted only a few months. Then the 2nd one was going on for a year before I found out about it. At the time my kids were 16,17 & 18 and I was not making
much money. But they would not stop being in contact with each other so I ended getting a divorce and it was the best thing for me. I got child support until my youngest turned 19 and joined the Army. Also the other woman was a friend of mine and she had 3 childen too. Well 20 years later I am happy that I made the decision I did. It took time but now my children have children and my x and his wife attend the B-day parties and we have a cordial relationship. I never remarried and I am very happy with my life now.
Good Luck on whatever you decide.



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jeanne

posted June 24, 2008 at 11:09 pm


True, emotional affairs may be very good for you in the beginning,but you have to take notes for the one you are bonded to in holy matrimony. exercise good judgement.When you recognise this looks like it’s more than a great friendship, back it off, spell it out to him or her in goodtiming with good terms.If that makes the angry Beware ,Tell your spouce about it, let them know you need their help.If you are the one who is emotionally addicted then seek help and appologise to the person you have inflicted your Charms on,no excuses.



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Ann

posted June 26, 2008 at 1:00 am


I had an emotional affair with a man years ago. That emotional affair turned into a full blown passionate affair. We left our spouses and eventually married and had our own family. I love that man, he is my soulmate and my reason for breathing. We have had to work thru many problems. I have never had to work so hard in a relationship. My point is…be careful getting involved with anytype of relationship with somebody you could be attracted too if your married.



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Carol

posted June 26, 2008 at 9:55 am


How do we point out to a friend that they are having an emotional affair??
she has been calling a male friend and unloading her petty complaints to him for years. they talk about their mates and instead of feeling
better they feed each other’s depression. She has to talk to him every
day and resents when I am aroud to interfer.
To me it is so sick for she says she believes in God. This is a way of breaking vows. And he aso is not aware of what is actually going on.
I love him, and thought we culd have a future together but I would never allow this to continue.



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Laura

posted June 27, 2008 at 12:45 pm


I am a single woman, trusting but extremely old school and VERY respectful of marriage vows – always have been. I presume married men are off the market, respectful of their wives and families and therefore SAFE. Of course, there are always the creeps, but one can spot those pretty easily. Because I respect the vocation of marriage I do not assume I can be anything more than collegial “friends” in a profesional setting. And I have since learned to think more of married men’s wives than of my colleagues. Read on.
Twenty-five years ago I had a boss who fell in love with me and I had no idea. We worked together, shared long hours and faced challenging people in a 24/7 work environment. I was oblivious to his feelings bcs he was a decent sort and I was young, very respectful of marriage vows, and frankly, naive. Twenty years later, a divorce and some lengthy, long-distance phone calls he admitted his feelings for me all those years ago. And that his wife loathed me bcs she suspected we’d had an actual affair. Then he came out and said he STILL carried these feelings for me.
Now I find myself in the same situation, only this time I am a great deal wiser. A younger man, (in his 40s) in an unhappy marriage thinks that I am somehow a kinder and a more easy-going person than his wife bcs he and I have worked together on difficult projects in third-world countries. We have stood side-by-side serving the poor. Projects like these really only present one view of a person and so his idea of me is a fantasy, of course.
Lastly – I am watching a good friend, a good man, a married man with children have an emotional affair with another good friend. She has twice as many children as he. The secreted emails, the early morning cell phone calls, even when one or both are on vacation or with repective spouses. Every day, a few times a day. Nothing more serious than this may have happened yet but it is bound to bcs they are to healthy, red-blooded people who think or know that they are in love. It can only end badly for 2 families. And even as I write this I am both saddened and disgusted by the whole matter. I am shaking. But these are the mid-life crisises I am watching unfold all around me.
So what is the point of this post?
A GREAT BIG FLAG from someone who is “just your friend” married or not, someone who is having feelings that border on something more…
is receiving a call from him/her when his/her spouse is not at home.
It goes something like this – “Hey Laura, just wanted to say ‘hi’. Becky and the kids are at her folks for the night/went to camp/off at Water World… and I thought I’d call to catch up.”
I clued into this pattern years ago. After the second call I realized what was happening and I stopped returning calls and stopped responding to Christmas cards – Christmas cards which HE posted by, btw. Still does.
It’s happening again. Same type of call last week – younger man lives 800 miles away but called just to tell me I’m “awesome”. His wife was out of town for the evening. I have not returned the call. I am 50 years old now.
PLEASE look at patterns. Don’t answer these calls as much as they may stroke your ego at the time.
Married people – invest the energy you have in the emotional affair and re-invest that in your spouse/marriage. Or make a hard decision.
Emotional Affair partner – walk away. And for heaven’s sake, don’t either of you go back to comfort or seek solace after one or the other divorces. You are still a fantasy. (My father is the wisest man I know. I didn’t have to live someone’s separation/divorce/etc. I just listened to him.)



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Rebecca

posted July 5, 2008 at 3:34 pm


I FOUND OUT BY ACCIDENT. I KNEW THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG,
FOR THE PAST 6 MONTHS THERE WAS A NAGGING FEELING THAT I HAD.
HE WAS ON THE INTERNET AT ALL HOURS, COULD NOT BE FOUND AT TIMES,
KEPT HIS CELL PHONE CLOSE. WHEN I ACCIDENTLY FOUND THE E-MAILS
I WENT NUTS, THE PAST MONTH HAVE BEEN THE HARDEST OF OUR MARRIED LIFE.
I FOUND HER, I SEARCHED THE PHONE BOOK, I HAD HER HUSBANDS FIRST NAME AND LAST INITIAL, I HAVE DONE AND SAID THINGS THAT I WOULD NOT
NORMALLY HAVE DONE. I HAVE BEEN DRIVEN TO THE EDGE OF HELL.
ALTHOUGH IT ENDED IMMEDIATELY, THE TRUST IS GONE. I HAVE SPENT
HOURS SEARCHING, CALLING, PLANNING FOR THE HUMILIATION I WILL CAUSE
I FOUND HER PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT AND VOWED TO HAVE HER JOB, SHE WAS
E-MAILING HIM FROM WORK.
I MET HER LAST WEEK, HOW SAD AN INDIVIDUAL, EVERYTHING THAT I
IMAGININED ABOUT HER WAS WRONG, OLDER, UNKEPT, SLOW
I AM GLAD I FACED MY DEMONS. SHE EVEN HAD THE STUPIDITY TO TELL ME TO CALL IF I WANTED TO TALK. HE HAD SAID IT WASN’T ABOUT LOOKS, IT WAS
SOMEONE TO TALK TO. WE ARE TALKING MORE NOW, AND THE HONESTY
HAS BEEN PAINFUL, I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE AWARE THAT THIS CAN
HAPPEN AND IF THIS PROGRESSES TO A PHYSICAL AFFAIR, WELL….I FOR ONE
COULD NOT GET OVER THAT, THIS MESS HAS BEEN HARD ENOUGH



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Denise

posted July 24, 2008 at 11:21 pm


If you are involved in an emotional affair, this is a very painful experience for your spouse. I found out that my husband was involved with an old high school friend for over a year. I actually spoke with her once, and the personal things she knew about me were absolutely staggering. This relationship almost ended our marriage as well as hers. Be careful about thinking that you are not having an affair unless there is intimacy involved, not so.



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Denise

posted July 24, 2008 at 11:23 pm


If you are involved in an emotional affair, this is a very painful experience for your spouse. I found out that my husband was involved with an old high school friend for over a year. I actually spoke with her once, and the personal things she knew about me were absolutely staggering. This relationship almost ended our marriage as well as hers. Be careful about thinking that you are not having an affair unless there is intimacy involved, not so.



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ann

posted July 28, 2008 at 9:53 am


I KNOW ALL TO WELL ABOUT THIS,I AM GOING THREW THIS NOW.MY HUSBAND ONE MOURNING STARTED A ARGUMENT WITH ME OVER SOMETHING VERY CHILDLIKE.I HAD TO GO FOR A TEST AT THE HOSPITAL.HE BROUGHT ME WE ARGUED THE WHOLE TIME.BUT I COULD TELL SOMETHING WASNT RIGHT.I GOT THREW WITH MY TEST AND WE LEFT THE HOSPITAL.HE CONTIUED THE ARGUMENT WE GOT HOME AND HE DECIDED HE WAS LEAVING.IT ALL JUST FELT PLANNED.HE WAS WAITNG ON HIS KEYS TO MADE FOR HIS TRUCK.HIS DAUGHTER CAME PICKED HIM AND LATER BROUGHT HIM BACK TO GET HIS TRUCK.HE TOLD HIS DAUGHTER HE WAS GOING TO SEE SOME OLD FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.THE NEXT DAY HE CALLED ME SO HE COULD COME GET HIS MEDS.LATER THAT NIGHT HE TRIED TO CALL ME.THE FOLLOWING NIGHT HE CALLED ME CRYING WANTING TO COME HOME.I DIDNT AGREE TILL THE NEXT DAY.WELL A FEW DAYS LATER I FOUND A PHONE NO. IN HIS WALLET.I LOOKED IT UP ON THE COMPUTER ONLY TO FIND OUT IT WAS HIS X-GIRLFRIEND FROM WHEN HE WAS IN HIS TEENS.I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING TILL THE CELL PHONE BILL CAME IN. HE WAS CALLING HER EVEN AFTER WE WERE BACK TOGETHER.WELL WHEN I DID CONFRONT HIM.HE ADMITTED TO GOING OVER THERE THE EVENING THAT HE HAD LEFT.BECAUSE HE HEARD SHE HAD BEEN DRINKING ALOT.THAT SHE HAD,HAD A ROUGH LIFE.AND HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT HER.AND THATS WHY HE HAD CONTINED TO KEEP CALLING HER.I STILL DONT TRUST HIM.AND I DONT THINK I EVER CAN AGAIN.HER SHATTERED MY LOVE AND TRUST FOR HIM.HE IS 60 AND I AM 49.AND VERY TORE UP.I DONT KNOW HOW TOGET OVER THIS ARE EVEN IF I CAN.I DO KNOW I DESERVE BETTER.



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Sunshine2177

posted July 28, 2008 at 5:12 pm


I don’t know if this qualifies as an EMOTIONAL affair, however, my now husband visited a massage parlor several years ago and had sex with a women/prostitute. I did not find out until months later when I visited my gyn for a routine exam. I almost didn’t get an STD check because why would I need one? I had been with my partner for 6 years living together and I trusted him more then any other man I have ever known. It never occurred to me that he would ever do this. I got a call at work from my doctor telling me I had contracted an STD, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe it. I felt empty, alone, and uncertain how this was possible. I cried and cried to my husband that I didn’t understand how this was possible since at the start of our relationship I didn’t have one and had been tested so many times after as well and didn’t have one. He finally broke down and confessed to me what he had visited a massage parlor and perhaps this is why. I couldn’t believe what he was saying it was so devastating to me. I could barely breath. I just never considered he was that type of man. I wondered what I had done to lead him down this path. He tried to assure me it was a one time thing, that it was a mistake, that it was after we had a really bad fight several months back over something that now seemed so silly. He said he was so angry with me, he felt alone and didn’t have anyone to talk to that he just needed to get away. He left the house that night and did not come how, I remember it now. Then, I cried so hard, my trust was gone. I couldn’t tell anyone about this, I had no one I could confide that I felt knew me well enough, and him enough to help me through this devasting time, no one that I could tell that if I wanted to forgive him would be able to forgive him too. I was so sad, I slept and slept, then I was so angry, I wanted to hurt him emotionally as he had hurt me. I finally had to talk to someone, someone who could maybe relate and help me to understand, why? I called my father, who when I was 12 yrs. old divorced from my mother because she had found out he was having affairs. He told me there must be something missing in your relationship, and that I needed to think really hard about whether or not I thought I would be able to truly forgive him, because if I couldn’t forgive him… our relationship would never make it. I though my gosh, I don’t think I will ever be able to truly forgive him. I will never forget he did this, he is not the man I thought he was, he is no different then all the rest. I didn’t know what to do. He promised me he would do everything he could to try and make things right. He wanted my forgiveness so badly. He wanted us to be like we were before, but I couldn’t understand how that was a good thing if it led to this. I didn’t know how to deal with all the emotions I was feeling. I began to block them, each day, more and more. I don’t think I ever really forgave him, I said that I did and I would, but I think over time I really just learned to accept that this had happened and that he wasn’t this perfect person I thought he was. I never really felt that what he had done was okay and that I could release it and move forward. My father was right about this. Forgiveness sounds so simple but it was going to be the greatest challenge I would ever face, and I would face it every day we were together. Several years past and we got married. I never really wanted a BIG wedding anyway, we eloped. I never told anyone else about what had happened. It was swept under the rug, but haunts me to this day. We are married. 80% of the time things are wonderful and I see sides of him that remind me of the man I always thought he was, and then I see parts of him that make me understand why he did what he did. I still wonder a lot whether or not he is truly faithful to me. However, I feel that part of me is broken now, that I would never truly be able to trust another man or person fully. I have never shared this story with anyone but my father, and my husband. I have never written about it online. I don’t have any answers but wanted to share my story.



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Anonymous

posted August 6, 2008 at 1:20 am


I read your post and can truly sympathize with what you went through and are going through. My husband too paid a 200.00 prostitute to do what he was getting at home for free. I became aware of this 4 years ago and I can tell you it has been very hard to trust and stay with him. As for forgiving him, I don’t think I truly have or ever will. I let the unforgiveness I harbored cause me to make some very self destructive choices which I am paying the consequences for. the thought and images of the two of them together is difficult to say the least. What seemed more devastating was the fact her name was “TAXI” and oh my by the way we own a taxi service. He hired this slut more than once. When I asked him why her, he said it was because she was clean. The horror of possibly getting a STD was no fun either.
If you can’t forgive him for yourself, do not stay in the relationship. As you know, once the trust is gone it is just a matter of time that you will hate him in your heart.
Best wishes:



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Peter

posted August 10, 2008 at 5:23 am


Well, I can recognise this scenario. I have had a number of these types of ‘friendships’ over the years of my marriage, mostly because of frustation in my marriage, though I don’t put that forward as a resonable excuse.
I have never transgressed into sexual behaviour but have resorted to kissing with one ‘friend’. My wife does not know, though part of me wishes she did find out, so that she would at last agree to come to marriage counselling, something i have suggested lots of times to no avail.
I have told my wife that i feel attracted ot other women and she has stated that she feels assured that i will not stray because of my faith. The only thing is, my faith has been knocked by the deterioration in my thoughts and conduct. I even miss Mass now, soemthing once unheard of. Pray for us.



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Laura

posted August 12, 2008 at 1:00 pm


My significant other is in complete denial when it comes to her “friendship” with her ex having an effect on our relationship. I always know when they have started talking everyday because I feel the distance between me and her. I confirm it by looking at the phone bill. I have gone to great lengths to bring to her attention the effect this is having on me… but have come to the conclusion she is going to do what she wants.
This is a classic emotional affair situation. The problem is it has been going on, off and on, over the last several years. I did not realize this when we met, and moved in together. Now that it is back on, I feel like I have lost something. I have even told her those exact words. She thinks I am making this relationship harder than it has to be.
So I am taking some quiet time… I don’t want to leave. However, I don’t know how long I can stay.
Any advice?



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Cathryn

posted August 14, 2008 at 12:30 pm


Forgiveness is hard to do when the offender isn’t sorry and feels entitled to do whatever he pleases. My husband of 32 years left in the middle of the night. We had been having problems for many years. He had multiple affairs and then gave me an STD from one of them. I forgave him so many times, only because he said he wanted things to work out, not because he said he was sorry. I wanted to keep the family unit intact until the kids were grown. I lost my self in the process because I continued to take the emotional abuse. After a while you feel like you don’t deserve anything better, but they’re crafty in perpetrating this mind-thought. My physical health suffered from holding everything in. I lived a lie for him, covering up for him and pretending to the outside world that everything was fine. Now I know how his whole office knew of the multiple affairs and I feel so disrespected. I don’t know if I will ever trust anyone again. The positive side to it is that I have gotten so much stronger. I have learned some painful but necessary lessons so that nothing like this will ever happen again. I am sorry for the example he set for my kids. They were so unaware while growing up but as they got into college they realized just how unhappy I was. They would witness him degrade me in his office, right in front of them. I know now that it is my ex’s problem. His narcissism makes him so oblivious to anyone else’s feelings. He doesn’t care what he has done to me or his children. His own insecurities fuels his behavior. He only feels good when he puts others down. I am happier and healthier now without him.



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morreycatz

posted August 17, 2008 at 9:56 am


It is the same for both genders .. We are primates .. Our instinct is to mate , reproduce and then find another mate and reproduce again .
Ok so our social indoctrination was that once you made a commitment through marrige or some other agreement , that one was not allowed to have sex with anyone other than the agreed person
Having sex is a form of pleasure and relaxation .. I like having sex .Its great .. However love is much different .. I can deeply love someone without having sex and i can have sex with someone without loving them Do you see the differance. Which would be worse,
to say I dont love you or to say I had pleasure and relaxtion at the massage parlor cause I knew you were too tired being busy with you carreer to want sex .. Like i said its not gender based
Men cheat just as much as women . and for the same reasons .
We make the mistake of equating love with sex .. Its not the samething .. Love is an attraction on multible levels Sex is an attraction on one .
I personally would love to base LOVE on an orgasm
I would still be married . However marrige is an event you have to work at and grow with. Nothing stays the same . The grass grows ,the trees grow and our relationships also have to grow ,if they dont grow then they die .. We must feed our relationships or they will not grow
Tollerance , forgiveness and nurturing is part of that food
Sometimes you have to clean house or you will make the same mistakes in marrige as your parrents and grand parrents and great grand parrents and great great grand parrents .. I have, but I realized this and have indoctrinated my children differantly
I told them dont use me as a model I am broken ..
Most of our models are broken today .. I observe the decline and retro
evoloution of our society back to tribal .Some women have a new mate every year and some men many mates a year, with no more concideration to the outcome than smoking the next cigarette .
Our children observe and duplicate our actions,so we must show them what is right and what is good .
If we truely believe tht single parrent homes are fine .then howcome children from certain homes grow angry at not haveing the benefit of both parrents .. It seems to me that if you have taken the time to have children they deserve to be raised with your love . I say that to fathers as well as mothers ..Like I said its not gender based
peace
morreycatz



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Anonymous

posted September 2, 2008 at 10:25 am


Do you think it is possible for something to evolve from emotional affair to platonic friendship? I mean, if you recognize that you’ve started to cross some inappropriate boundaries, so you step back and re-establish better boundaries. Do you think it’s possible to still have contact with your friend, or is the only answer to sever ALL contact permanently?
I had been having a lot of problems in my marriage and became emotionally close to a guy I used to date, and was also friends with years ago, even after we no longer dated. I started to feel like I was having “stronger than friendship” feelings toward him, and even thought of ending my marriage due to all of the issues we were having, combined with my interest in someone else. My husband found out that we were talking, and I admitted to him that there were some unresolved feelings there, and he was understandably very upset by it, but it opened the door to us communicating more about our problems, and our marriage is headed in the right direction now.
I really want to find a way to continue a more appropriate, open friendship with this other person without destroying my marriage. I really do feel like we’ve established better boundaries now. I don’t daydream about him…but I do miss him if we haven’t talked for awhile. I miss my other friends if we don’t talk for awhile, too, so I don’t think that’s necessarily a huge red flag. Of course I look forward to talking to him, but I wouldn’t be friends with someone I didn’t look forward to talking to. My husband is the one I talk to first and last in my day, and I share the most with him. I talk to my friend like I would any other friend…I don’t talk to him about my marital problems anymore (there was a point early on when I made the mistake of doing that), except to say that everything is going well. We just chat about his kids and my kids and what’s new in our lives. I enjoy our conversations.
The only ‘red flag’ I truly feel I have is the fact that talking to him is kept secret from my husband. I don’t know that there is any way to have him accept the friendship. I have asked if the three of us could try to get together socially so that he could see that there is really nothing there, but he does not want to do that. He wants there to be no contact between us ever again, and I have a hard time with that. Honestly, I would have a hard time whether the friend were male or female.
Am I COMPLETELY off my rocker in thinking I have any right to want to continue this friendship??? I’m not trying to disrespect my husband, but I just want a second chance to do this the right way.



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Anonymous

posted September 4, 2008 at 9:04 pm


The posts I’ve read so far are upsetting. Have you read the article you are posting to? “We are primates” indeed! “I’m having an emotional affair with my ex, but my husband doesn’t approve”. PLEASE!!
Whatever happened to honor and integrity? Are they dead? Have you forgotten what you said in your marriage vows? I will keep you and those you are hurting deeply in my prayers. Get help or get out. There is only pain ahead.



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leessa

posted September 7, 2008 at 3:09 am


my husband is in complete denial that his “chatting” with women on the internet isnt cheatiing. He was even talkin to one about her miscarraiges. and has the flower she put on her babys grave on his computer. Once, he saidi think you should meet her.. she lost a bunch of weight and maybe she can help you. its seems that more and more…im out watching the tv. and he’s in his room with his compter” friends” ….its totally making not trusting hime. and he just doesnt see why?



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Mary

posted September 7, 2008 at 11:08 am


To the Lady that wants to continue the friendship, YES you are off your ROCKER!!! Your friendship maens more than your marrriage? wHY NOT FIND A new friend that would not be a treast to your marriage or your happiness with your husband, If you can’t even think of giving up that friendship then your Husband deserves BETTER than you and He needs to cut his losses now before YOU can hurt him again!!! I am going thru the same messed up sitituation with my Husband doing what you have done and have given him several chances to cut her off and its just a “FRIENDSHIP” as He keeps telling me. I have been dealing with the lies and as I now know the emotional affair for a year and as I am very disappionted and hurting everyday, I just can’t understand why you just can’t remember your VOWS for better or worse, richer or pooer and forsaking all others, or how ever it goes, there is no excuse for this behavior, and yes I have tried to keep trusting hom and everytime I do and strat feeling better about our marriage then He gets caught visting with the next door neighbor again, and have tried to keep him on track to not mess up again, to stay away from Her, So now after the last go around He was told One more time and you are out, He has left the house, I did’nt tell him to go but He knew He had to, ANd don’t know where we are going from here only God know what is going to happen next, But yet I have not given up that He might just GET IT!!!



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Mary in Florida

posted September 7, 2008 at 11:18 am


FOr the lady that the Husband is cheating over the internet, you need to find the courage to give your husband a choice the internet lady or you as his wife!!! If He does’nt give her up or is not willing to do so get out now before you have to have more hurting in your life, and pray to God for his courage and streghth to do what you know is right in you Marriage vows and your heart. Cheating and lieing there are no EXCUSES!!!



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Jeni

posted September 8, 2008 at 8:22 am


My husband was in the same role as you, and I was in the role of your husband. I feel that as long as you are keeping secrets and/or lying outright to your spouse, even if “just friends” etc, you are wrong. What it boils down to, is that you are choosing the “friendship” over your marriage. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your husband had a female/ex/friend etc and was hiding his “platonic” friend from you?!?! For myself, even if I thought I was within my ‘rights’, and I felt that I was not being sneaky/cheating…if it bothered my husband, that would be my deciding factor. Nothing, or nobody is worth alienating my husband.



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Anonymous

posted September 10, 2008 at 11:50 am


Yes, maybe I am completely off my rocker and maybe I already knew that before I even posted to the blog, but try not to look at this so one-sided. A few things to keep in mind:
1 – I didn’t intend for my friendship to be an emotional affair…it was never a concious decision to betray my husband…it slowly evolved into that, and it’s easy for that to be unclear at first.
2 – I didn’t ask my husband to completely shut me off emotionally and refuse to communicate with me and become a complete stranger to me and leave me feeling so empty inside that I desperately longed for any friend to fill that void. I DID ask him repeatedly over several years to go to counseling, so it’s not like I wasn’t trying.
3 – I had enough self-control to NOT allow myself to become involved in a physical affair.
My husband would never NEED to hide a platonic friendship from me because I wouldn’t feel threatened by it in the first place. That is the honest truth. I do care about his feelings, but I am mad that he’s able to push all of our problems off onto the fact that I had an “emotional affair” while I’m left holding all of the responsibility and being asked to give up a friend while he can just go on as the innocent victim of the ‘bad guy’ (me).
He has plenty of female friends. I’ve never tried to make him feel bad or guilty about it, but he has always tried to make me feel bad and guilty about even the most casual friendship with a member of the opposite sex. It doesn’t bother me that he’s friends with other women because I know where his loyalty and commitment lie, and if he has common interests with other people, male or female, he has every right to have those social interactions. He’s never returned the same respect to me, only jealousy and guilt trips, so it makes it hard to feel guilty about hiding friendships from him. I used to feel like nothing was worth alienating my husband, but I reached the point where I felt like I was letting him control my every action by trying not to do anything that would upset him. I don’t want to live like that either.



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Mary, Florida

posted September 10, 2008 at 7:09 pm


To The Lady that is off her Roocker, Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart with your Husband about what you are feeling EVERYTHING, Regardless how you have been made to feel or anything else that has happened in your marriage REMEMBER your VOWS first!! It still is not right having a male for a close friend and if it hurts or bothers your Husband than you should Love and Respect him enough to do the right thing and NOT DO IT!!! Its not worth loosing your Husband over this for a little bit of your own selfishness and your own personal feelings, IS IT?? If He does’nt treat you the way you need to be treated than see a counselor for answers first before you do the wrong thing,Then decided how or what is the best way to continue the marriage or not. P.S. PRAY and READ YOUR BIBLE it has helped me, My Husband is still on the fence on Me over the “WERE JuST FRIENDS” with the next door neighbor, I’m sure you read what I posted. My Husband after two weeks of being out of the house and away from the neighbor still does’nt know what He wants!! WHY?? I think its simple you either want to be my Husband and be married and be 100 percent faithful or not? He can’t even tell me He Loves me He just says “there’s Love there” What is this suppose to mean? He says that He doesn’t want to be right where we are in five or six months, I told HIM ITS up to you to deceide that You WILL NOT EVER DO THIS AGAIN and mean it,instead of if I do this again or when I do this again, THAT just an easy way out to not try and trow me away like I’m the trash!!! Well anyways I’m just waiting now for what ever He decides to do!!!



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ruth

posted September 30, 2008 at 2:31 pm


My husband is having an emotional affair with a girl he works with who is also married. Of course he says they are just friends. Last month they talked to each other 161 times on the cell phone. One time I told him how all this made me feel, he said he would tell this girl to stop calling him. Did he no, she’s still calling. So I called and asked her to stop calling him, she said OK…. Husband asked me if I called her and I said yes cause you told me you were going to tell her and you never did. He left me a note the next morning telling me he was not going to stop calling his friends and that he was not 15 years old, but 61. I feel so betrayed and rejected I don’t know what to do. I have no job or way of supporting myself so I am stuck. All my family have passed on so I am all alone. I pray and I ask God to open his eyes to let him see what he’s doing to me. But, so far nothing has changed. I find it so hard that he thinks more of this girl then me his wife of 30 years. I don’t know where all this will lead, so please pray for me and my husband it hurts so bad.



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Sylvia

posted October 1, 2008 at 11:29 am


What if your husband cheats, emotionally and physically you leave him and you get divorced. Now that your divorced, he isn’t happy with the woman his with so he starts talking with you and wants you back and apologizes for all that his done. Knows how wrong it was and wants to work things out. Would you get back with him?



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Tia

posted October 1, 2008 at 12:56 pm


I don’t think that it would be safe to jump right back in and I don’t know I would really go back at all. To be perfectly honest there is just something about following through with a divorce that says it was final. I would really feel awful for being the second chosen. Just because he made the huge mistake of cheating and realizes what he lost and now he wants his security back; for what to cheat again later and see if that one sticks, no, I’m sorry but I think you should love yourself more than him and do what really feels right to you. One last comment if you are asking other people than maybe you already know the answer and you need to follow through with your thoughts.



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lyz

posted October 1, 2008 at 1:01 pm


This is for Sylvia,
No, I would not go back with a husband who cheats emotionally and physically and then comes back. ONLY, if he goes to theraphy, otherwise NO! If I do, I would put myself in a position of him doing this again, or me thinking he will do it again. Love without trust is a pain in the ass and the HEART.
Hope this help. Let God give you. Listen to your body, to your inner voice.



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Jennifer

posted October 2, 2008 at 10:41 am


I just have to ask, what are you doing (or not doing) that leads your partner to an emotional affair? What is your part in the situation? From the way it reads, there is a sense of demanding, controling and manipulative behavior that underlies the issue and likely adds to the spouses’ inability or unwillingness to end a friendship with someone with whom they have formed a bond. I dont want to be hurtful or suggest that you are at fault for some else’s behavior, but I would like to present an alternative view.
What if you enbraced the other person instead of condemning the relationship? What if you put aside your insecurities and demands and accept the relationship? What if you work to get to know the other person and become part of the relationship, not to manipulate it or end it, but to truly see what your spouse sees in that person?
If you cannot accept it, then its up to you to get away from the situation. You cannot make your spouse or the other person act or feel the way you think they “should” act or feel. You can only control how you act and feel. Blessings to you and your journey.



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Victoria

posted October 2, 2008 at 8:18 pm


Okay… This is going to be as nice as I can put this. First off. DO NOT LISTEN TO JENNIFER who posted on October 2, @ 10:41!!!!!!!!!!
Her advice was SO backwards I don’t know where to begin. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT and have EVERY RIGHT to ask your Husband to stop calling another woman 161 TIMES. That is excessive, and is a huge red flag for an emotional affair, and quite frankly more than an emotional affair. It’s turned into an obsession. And quite possibly an addiction. RUN do not walk to a good, well recommended counselor. Ask people from your church, or people you respect to refer you to a good Marriage/Family counselor. This is NOT your fault, it is NOT controlling. This request does in no way mean you are insecure. In fact if you didn’t ask him to stop I’d say there was something of a co-dependancy going on. To ask you husband to stop putting a relationship with another woman in front of your relationship with him IS HEALTHY!!! IF this relationship with a woman at work weren’t inappropriate he would have no problem seeing your point of view. Everything he is getting out of this relationship is replacing the relationship involvement that is meant for YOU as his wife. Furthermore if it weren’t inappropriate he would want YOU to be involved in this “relationship” if it were on the up and up. Also, if you called this other woman and told her to stop calling your husband SHE would have stopped doing so, if it were a work relationship only. And since it’s NOT she continues to disrespect your marriage by taking calls from him. Both of these people are showing obsessive behavior to call ANYONE 161 times! For heaven sakes Jennifer do not give out advice if you’ve not walked in this woman’s shoes. Which I have. And I can very happily say that we went to a counselor and it was inappropriate! It had nothing to do with ME it had to do with his addictive behavior.



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Victoria

posted October 2, 2008 at 8:25 pm


In addition to the above comment. Seek God, he will lead you through this horrible situation. IT is extremely hurtful to have the man you’ve been married to for 30 years disregard your feelings, and put anyone in between he and you. I want you to know hit has NOTHING to do with you. If he is not happy with his marriage he needs to speak to you about it, and work it out with you or with the help of a Pastor or professional Counselor. This relationship has crossed a line, and you have every right to ask him to put boundary there. Seek God and friends in your circles do not be afraid to find one or two friends and confide this situation to, so that they can be your support, and they can be praying for you and your marriage. I would seek Him, and seek help from your church. There is always hope for your marriage if God is at the center, if your husband believes than he should believe that he is suppose to cherish you like Jesus Cherished the church and that this sacred relationship should not be replaced by a co-worker. If he needs a “friend” then he needs to find some Male friends to confide in, NOT WOMEN!!! God bless you, you can get through this. I’ll be praying for you.



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Anonymous

posted October 3, 2008 at 4:01 pm


While I don’t disagree with the “10 red flags of any emotional affair”, I will say that they are very subjective and open to a lot of interpretation. In my mind, there can sometimes be a VERY thin line between an innocent platonic friendship and an emotional affair, and once you realize that you may have crossed that line, you are so emotionally invested in what you originally saw as just an innocent friendship that it causes a lot of hurt and confusion for ALL.
When a married person has a physical affair, they know EXACTLY what they are doing upfront and it’s very clear when they have crossed a line. When they develop an emotional affair, it usually slowly evolves from what started completely innocently.
I believe that men and women can be platonic friends…even when they are married…and even if they are close friends. Unfortunately, sometimes boundaries are crossed, and it needs to be dealt with by all parties IF it happens. That doesn’t mean assume it will always happen.
The thing that really surprises me is just how judgemental people can be against those who have gotten caught up in an “emotional affair”. I realize it’s hurtful to everyone involved, but the INTENT that exists with a physical affair does not usually exist in an emotional affair.
I suppose the safest bet would be to avoid all friendships with members of the opposite sex if you are married, but how sad it would be if all limited ourselves to only having friendships with those on the ‘approved’ list. By allowing yourself to be friends with anyone you would like to be friends with, you do inherit some risks that go along with that. You put yourself at risk for a friendship becoming closer than it should be, and people should try to be concious of that before it happens. If it does happen, you re-establish better boundaries and deal with it. If that means ending the friendship, that’s what it means. If that means the spouse becomes part of the friendship, that’s what it means. It CAN be a solution that takes EVERYONE’S feelings into consideration.
Your friends should never be more important than your spouse, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. Emotional affairs may be wrong, but don’t judge until you’ve seen first hand how easy it is to slip into one without ever meaning to.



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Jennifer

posted October 3, 2008 at 7:56 pm


First, I must say, Victoria, I am sorry if my opinion offended you, but please do not assume I have not been in a similar situation. That is unfair and inaccurate. I chose to not discuss my circumstances as they are resolved. However, I do not think that my suggest is backwards. Perhaps it is different and not in keeping with the “norm and structure” of marriage, but it is simply an alternative approach. I agree that the situation as it exists is not OK. And that counseling is a good idea if that will help, as it helped you, Victoria, but accepting people for who they are and accepting what we can and cannot change will make each of us stronger and smarter. Second, to the anonymous post on October 3rd. I completely concur! Well said. Blessings.



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Been There

posted October 5, 2008 at 8:04 pm


When your instincts tell you that your spouse is too emotionally involved with another person you should listen to those instincts. My father passed away and then less than 10 months later my father-in-law passed away. I had already had to stifle my own grief because of my father-in-law’s illness. My husband does not have any siblings so I was his main support. About a month after his father’s death he connected (through one of the “get in touch with your classmates” sites) with a lady he had dated his senior year in high school – 40+ years ago. They talked several times a week and often more than once a day. He did not deny talking to her but said they didn’t talk “that often”. We have a cell phone family plan so I could tell from our monthly statement how often they talked and for how long. The conversation that hurt the most occurred when he was out of town – he talked to me a total of 14 minutes the 3 days he was gone. However, 1 conversation (of several) was for 43 minutes. When I asked him about it he became upset with me for the questions. He said it was nice to be able to talk to someone who could understand what he was going through. She had lost both her parents, she had known his parents when he was growing up and it was just nice to be able to share memories with her. There were also female type gifts that he purchased that I did not receive (I found out about these when he called me and asked me to go online to check his credit card statement to see if a credit he was awaiting had been applied). As I scrolled down looking for the credit we were talking about items on his statement. When I saw certain charges I said “Oops, I don’t think I was supposed to see these”. This was in November so I figured they were Christmas gifts for me…I did not receive those gifts. Around his birthday and then again at Christmas a couple of items appeared in our home – very evident that someone knew his interests. He told me he bought them for himself. During this time he was distancing himself emotionally from me. After months of wondering and blaming myself for even thinking he could be emotionally involved with his “friend” I came across some emails between them. These were posted on the “get in touch with your classmates” site. She addressed him with a nickname that only I used for him and signed herself with a special nickname. I printed the email and asked him about it. He laughed and said it was nothing for me to be upset about and that he would ask her about it. He later tried to explain it away. The phone calls stopped appearing so often on our cell phone statement – about the same time he started coming home later than he usually did. I hate to use the word “suspected” but I suspected she was calling him at his office so I would not know how often they talked. He told me he had told her I was not comfortable with the number of times they talked and the length of their conversations – that I had asked what all they could talk about so often and for so long. He said she commented “why can’t some people understand that a man and woman can be friends and want to talk to each other”. I could go on and on explaining different things that happened to reinforce my feelings about the situation. I will tell you that the phone call have become more infrequent, he has begun to show some expression of his feelings toward me. The biggest step was made when I stayed home one Friday. We were walking around outside right after breakfast and when we came back into the kitchen he put the phone in his pocket and walked into the garage. Of course my heart sank. And yes, a few minutes later, as if at a planned time, the phone rang and he answered it in the garage. I opened the door and heard him sort of stutter and say “I would not be interested”. He immediately cleared the caller ID. When I asked “was that *****” he said “No”. I went upstairs to check the caller ID on another phone. When I came back downstairs and asked him again and he again said no, I told him I knew it was her. He then looked at me and said he denied it because he knew I would be upset. A couple of days later he said he wanted to talk to me. He told me he had been hiding the fact that they were talking because he knew it would hurt me. He said he was tired of feeling the way he felt and he did not want the distance between us that had been building. He was still a little defensive of her but I told him I felt better that he had finally begun to tell me the truth. It is taking time for me to have the trust I once had. This is the person I had always felt I could trust with my life yet he had lied to me. I want the trust back, I am working on looking forward not backward. I know it’s going to take time but I also know we both want our life together. We are making plans for our future. We are working on living our dreams. However, the person who said emotional affairs can leave more scars than a physical affair knew what they were talking about. But if that strong love was once there it can still be there. It just takes a lot of forgiveness, working on the relationship and time.



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Anonymous

posted October 8, 2008 at 9:52 am


Is anyone else having trouble when they try to “read all comments”? They are not showing up for me – only the ones on this page.



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JULIANNA

posted October 8, 2008 at 12:26 pm


MY HUSBAND OF 35 YEARS HAS HAD FEMALE FRIENDS OUTSIDE OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR YEARS. ONCE THAT I KNOW OF IT WAS A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. HE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH THESE “FRIENDS” AND TRIES VERY HARD TO MAKE ME BELIEVE THIS IS MY PROBLEM. MY PHYSICAL AND FINACIAL SITUATION IS SUCH LEAVING IS NOT A ATTRACTIVE ALTERNATIVE. HE IS NOT PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE JUST EMOTIONALLY “BUSY” WITH HIS LIFE. I AM ALONE AND MISERABLE TRYING TO COPE. PLEASE IF ANY ONE HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO COPE WITH FIND THE STRENGTH TO FIND SOME HAPPINESS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. I STILL AM VERY DEVOTED TO THIS MAN AND I KNOW HE WILL NOT CHANGE. I TRY VERY HARD TO “LET GO” AND TRY TO FOCUS ON OTHER ASPECTS OF MY LIFE SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS. I RECENTLY WAS FORCED TO RETIRE RELATED TO HEALTH ISSUE FROM A VOCATION I TRUELY LOVED THIS HAS JUST INCREASED THE EMPTINESS IN MY LIFE. I AM RESTRICTED BY MY PHYSICAL AND FINACIAL CONDITIONS FROM MANY OPTIONS SO I JUST FEEL EMPTY AND SO ALONE I’M ONLY 58 YEARS OLD SO THIS MAY GO ON FOR A WHILE. I APRECIATE ANY FEDBACK AS I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS. MY CHILDREN HAVE LIVES AND ISSUES OF THEIR OWN, I HAVE FEW FRIENDS AS MOST OF MY LIFE WAS DEVOTED TO JOB AND FAMILY NOW PRETTY MUCH GONE. THANKS FOR LISTENING….JULIANNA



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don't judge

posted October 8, 2008 at 1:04 pm


Well, I know this is not the ‘politically correct’ answer to give you, and I will probably get some flack for it, but here goes.
If you think there’s a chance for him to change, I would suggest you see if you can convince him to go to counseling with you to determine what’s missing in your marriage and how it can be fixed. If you honestly don’t think he’s going to change, then I say what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
If he honestly feels that there’s nothing inappropriate with his having emotionally intimate relationships with other women while he’s married, then he shouldn’t have a problem with you getting your own emotional needs met outside the marriage as well. By his definition, he’s saying that he believes emotional affairs do not constitute cheating. In “technical terms”, I suppose he would be right, although that’s not the way most people see it. Anyway, if you need to have a friendship with someone who is less “emotionally busy” in order to get YOUR needs met, he has no room to complain about it or feel that you have been in any way unfaithful. If you keep it out in the open, then you don’t have to feel guilty of any dishonesty, either.
One of two things will happen…either you will find that you are happier supplementing your marriage with the emotional perks of an outside friendship and you will both go on like that, or he may find that his way of thinking doesn’t feel so ‘right’ when the shoe is on the other foot.



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Been There

posted October 8, 2008 at 11:59 pm


Juliana,
Whatever you do you need to take care of yourself. Believe in yourself. You are a wonderful creation. If, for financial reasons, you are unable to seek professional counseling for yourself then talk to a minister. I know from personal experience ministers will counsel with people outside their church. I chose to confide in a minister with a church near my office. He had no history with my family so I knew I could open up to him and whatever he told me would not be colored in any way, shape or form by knowing my family. I will be watching for updates from you. Please know there are people out here who care and who are praying you will find some comfort and peace in your life.



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julianna

posted October 9, 2008 at 9:20 am


THANK YOU “BEEN THERE” AND “CAN’T JUDGE” FOR YOUR RESPONSE! IT MEANT ALOT FOR ME TO HEAR FOR YOU BOTH. I AM MORBIDILY OBESE AND MOST MEN AREN’T INTERESTED IN ANY TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WITH ME. EVEN SO I WOULDN’T BE COMFORTABLE DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO MY HUSBAND. KNOWING HIM HE JUST DIVORCE ME FOR CHEATING. WE DID TRY CONSULING HE WALKED OUT WHEN I SAID “FRIENDS” HAD TO GO. THE CONSULER A WOMAN DIDN’T UNDERSTAND ACCORDING TO HIM. I DON’T WANT TO PAINT PICTURE OF A MONSTER HE’S NOT HE HONESTLY THINKS THIS MY PROBLEM THAT IT IS OKAY. I SUSPECT THESE “FRIENDS” TALK ALOT ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS AND HE FEELS LIKE A HERO HELPING THEM. HE HAS LOTS OF FRIENDS MALE AND FEMALE AND IS THE KIND OF GUY TO DROP EVERY THING TO HELP HIS FRIENDS. THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE, BUT I WORKED TOOK CARE OF HOME JOB AND KIDS I JUST KNEW SOMEDAY THINGS WOULD SETTLE DOWN AND HE WOULD SEE HOW HARD I TRY AND WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME. I WAS VERY WRONG. I NEVER ANSWER HIS CELL PHONE BECAUSE IT HURTS MY FEELINGS WHEN ONE OF THEM CALLS HANGS UP AT MY VOICE, OR WORST YET WANTS TO TALK TO ‘HER PAPAH’ ABOUT RIDE HOME FROM BAR ECT. LORD WAS HE PISSED AT ME FOR ANSWERING CHECKING THAT MESSAGE. LAST WEEK THIS FREIND AND HER CURRENT BOY FRIEND WHERE HELPING HIM MOW GRASS AT ANOTHER PROPERTY I WASN’T SUPOSE TO FIND OUT. IT JUST BROKE MY HEART WHEN I STOPPED BY AND SAW HER. I KNOW THEY HAD AN AFFAIR SO NOW THERE “JUST FRIENDS” AND HER BOYFRIEND AND AND EX HUSBAND ARE ALL HIS FRIENDS. I THINK THIS ALL KIND OF SICK CONFUSING AND WRONG…. BUT TO HIM IT’S MY PROBLEM..MAYBE IT IS MY PROBLEM BECUASE I DIDN’T LEAVE EARLIER AND NOW I REALLY AM TO SCARED TO BE TOTALLY ALONE… I PRAY ALOT FOR STRENGTH, UNDERSTANDING, AND GRACE NOT TO A SCREAMING IDIOT ABOUT THIS ALL. SOMETIMES I PRAY FOR STRENGTH JUST NOT TO BE SO SAD. ITS GOTTEN TO POINT IF HE DOES ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING WITH HIM I’M JUST TO SAD TO GO. AGAIN MY PROBLEM… I GOT TO STOP WRITING THIS OR I’M GONNA START CRYING.. YOU ALL PRAY FOR ME AND I WILL PRAY FOR YOU…THANKS JULIANNA



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Anonymous

posted October 9, 2008 at 10:01 am


Juliana,
I can relate to your issue with the outside female friends. I believe that being emotionally involved with someone outside your marriage is a form of cheating. There are multiple ways to cheat on a partner and emotionally is one of them. When I met my husband he had some female friends also. At first I was okay with it because I thought to myself “who am I to make him stop being friends with them after 15+ years”. After a while I noticed how frequent they were calling him and vice versa. It would be everyday and more than once a day. It started bothering me because every time I would try to spend alone time with him, it would be interrupted by one of their calls. It got to the put point where my expressions toward them would be rather mean and unlikely. I brought it to his attention and told him how it made me feel. He didn’t agree with me and didn’t feel that I should feel the way I did. However, he said that he loved me and no one would come before me. When I didn’t see any difference after I talked to him about it, I felt that I needed to talk to these friends of his about it as well. I informed my husband that I was going to talk them. I would rather do it with him included but he said he didn’t want to be there so I said okay. After I talked to his friends and told them how I felt about the constant calling all the time and all times of the day and night, they explained to me how it was between them and my husband but that they would stop calling as much as they were. Since then, there has been a great change when it comes to them. He didn’t like the outcome but he adjusted. Now, since we’ve been married (4 months)and some time has passed, I can see and realize their friendships although it’s still at a minimal on the phone calls.
I say to you Juliana, did your husband have these female friends before you married him and if so did he value the relationships with them more than the one with you? If he loves you and cares about you like he says he does (hopefully he does), then he would set it straight with those female friends and let them know that the closeness between them has to come to an end but the friendship doesn’t necessarily have to stop completely. He should be making sure that you are secure in you two’s marriage, especially after 35 years, rather than trying to accommodate his female friends. I agree with the last commentor about speaking to a God-fearing minister. Hopefully he would give some Godly advice to help lead you in the right direction. I’m not going to tell you to leave him because that’s not my place but you should do what’s best for you in this matter because if you continue to put of with him treating you like you don’t matter, then it will hurt you in the long run if it hasn’t already by preventing you from having a joy-filled life and feeling good about yourself.
My name is Belinda. I don’t have many friends either or people to talk to when I have problems but I do have one friend that I can always cry on his shoulder and that friend is Jesus. I recommend Him to you if you haven’t already tried him. He is the best one to tell our troubles to but sometimes we need an earthly friend as well and I am here if you like. You can reach me at this site or email me at bodiford36@yahoo.com. I hope things start looking up for you. Keep your eyes on Jesus, ask him for strength and He will give it to you. Take care and God bless you.



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don't judge

posted October 9, 2008 at 10:39 am


Julianna,
Being overweight myself, it seems so easy for others to hand out advice when they haven’t been there, so I don’t want to offend. It’s just that you made the comment about being morbidly obese and how no men would want to talk to you. I think that the self-esteem problems that are being aggravated by the weight are making you feel trapped in a situation that is making you unhappy. Maybe the solution is not to leave the marriage, but to demand better from it, which requires you to truly believe that you deserve better. Is there a support group you could go to, or is there a weight loss solution that could be covered by insurance? You should know that your beauty is more than skin deep, and you do have worth whether your weight is an issue or not. Still, I know how being overweight can make you feel less appealing. If you could find a way to break through that issue, you might see that many things in your world start to change as you feel better about yourself. Best of luck to you.



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JULIANNA

posted October 9, 2008 at 11:32 am


I’VE BEEN IN MY HUSBANDS LIFE LONGER THAN ANY OF THE “FRIENDS” I HAVE TALKED TO A COUPLE OF THEM. THE ONE HE HAD THE AFFAIR WITH TOLD ME HOW THEY BEEN FRIENDS FOR 17 YEARS AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. SHE IS THE ONE WITH THE BOYFRIEND AND EX HUSBAND ARE NOW HIS FRIENDS TOO!! ANOTHER AT A PARTY AT HIS WORK LONG BEFORE CELL PHONE ONE OF THE LADIES HE WORKED WITH SAT THERE AND TOLD ME HOW SHE JUST WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO MAKE IT WITHOUT HIM TO TALK TO HOW WONDERFUL AND HELPFUL HE WAS TO HER. I THINK SHE FIGURED HOW BAD THIS HURT ME BUT IT WAS TOO LATE TO FIX IT SHE ALMOST SURPRISED THAT I DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT. MY HUSBAND NEVER SAID A WORD ABOUT HER OR HER PROBLEMS. I FELT SO SAD AND HURT WHEN I SAID SOMTHING HE WAS ANGRY AT ME FOR NOT BEING UNDERSTANDING TO THIS WOMEN AND HOW HER HELPING HER HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH OUR MARRIAGE. THEN WHY DID I FEEL SO ALONE AND SO BAD. I DO THINK IT’S MY PROBLEM FOR LETTING THIS GO ON SO LONG. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT A LONG TIME AGO BUT NOW IT’S TO LATE. YOU KNOW I JUST HOPED IF I KEPT TRYING IT WOULD GET BETTER I WAS A FOOL NOW I’M A FOOL ALONE AND TRAPPED. IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE THAT SURVIVES IN THIS SAD KIND OF SITUATION, FIND STRENGTH AND A LIFE LEARNING TO COPE WITH THIS EMPTINESS. I KNOW THAT THERE HAS TO BE A WAY TO FIND PEACE AND HAPPINESS IN MY SITUATION GOD JUST HASN’T GIVEN ME AN ANSWER THAT WORKS YET. THE FACT THAT PEOPLE RESPOND AND CARE IS SOURCE OF JOY TO ME, THANK YOU! IF THERE IS SOME ONE OUT THERE IN A SITUATION LIKE ME THAT HAS MOVED ON YET STAYED MARRIED FOUND COMFORT AND PEACE IN THIS KIND OF SITIATION PLEASE CONTACT ME….JULIANNA



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Lori

posted October 9, 2008 at 12:08 pm


It’s OK to set limits in a marriage and have your own rules of how you want to be treated. Often times we don’t have many examples….but we all deserve to be have our partner be attentive, loving, caring, loyal, committed, and make us a priority. The secret is a great book that talks about what do you want and how to attract it. Best of luck!! I wish all to realize you are important, valuable, and deserve all that love gives!!
Lori



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Prayers Requested

posted October 9, 2008 at 1:39 pm


I am struggling to end an emotional affair myself, and I am feeling so lost. I never meant to hurt anyone, and I feel like I am in a no-win situation.
I feel like a patient faced with having their foot amputated because, if they don’t, gangrene will set in and kill them. In fact, I feel like I have the knife in my own hands and have to do the cutting myself. I know what I have to do, but actually making that final cut in some ways seems unthinkable, and the alternative is even more unthinkable. It’s like I have to choose…my life or my foot (my marriage or my friend/emotional affair). There is one obvious and logical choice, but it’s going to cause a hell of a lot of pain, and it’s scary and I can’t help but want to put it off just a little while longer. If I put if off too long, the infection (mistrust and distance in my marriage) will have taken over and I will no longer have a choice.
That is how I feel right now. I wish I knew how to make that stop and kick myself hard enought to do the right thing.



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JULIANNA

posted October 9, 2008 at 3:44 pm


DEAR PRAYERS REQUESTED I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT FROM OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. NOT ONLY ARE YOU HURTING BUT I’M SURE SO IS YOUR FRIENDS SPOUSE. NOT ONLY IS THE KNIFE IN YOUR HANDS BUT IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS TOO!!! I’M SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN AND I HOPE YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE CAN WORK THIS OUT AND NOBODY GETS HURT ANY WORST THAN NECESSARY, AT LEAST YOU CAN SAY YOU NEED TO STOP THIS, MY HUSBAND WILL NEVER, I WORRIED I WAS EMOTIONAL COLD AND SOMEWAY CAUSED THIS NOW I THINK IT’S JUST HE NEEDS TO BE MR. FIX IT AND FOR YEARS I MANAGED TO HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER, JUST WASN’T NEEDY ENOUGHT NOW IT’S JUST NOT ENOUGH TO BE WITH ME WHEN THESE OTHER FRIENDS MAKE HIM FEEL SO SPECIAL. FIND A WAY TO BE SPECIAL TO YOUR SPOUSE WORK ON BEING EMOTIONAL INVOLVED WITH HIM/HER. MAYBE THAT WILL FILL THE GAP AND HELP YOU LET GO OF THIS. ASK YOUR “FRIEND” ABOUT THEIR SPOUSE PUT A FACE TO THE ONE YOU ARE TAKING TIME AND ATTENTION AWAY FROM. IT’S EASY TO STEAL THESE THINGS FROM SOMEBODY YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT. HARDER WHEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. TAKE PRIDE IN THE FACT YOU WANT TO END THIS. I’LL PRAY FOR YOUR SUCESS AND HAPPINESS……JULIANNA



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Prayers Requested

posted October 10, 2008 at 5:45 pm


Thanks. He actually doesn’t have a spouse. He’s recently divorced, and maybe that’s part of why it’s so hard to push him away because I see how much he needs a friend. I don’t think your husband is being at all sensitive to your feelings, but I can understand feeling torn between multiple people who you feel need you.



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none

posted November 6, 2008 at 6:03 pm


I’m sorry you are going through such pain. I am in a similar situation and my husband always feels a need to save these other women and get validation of himself somehow through it. His most recent one got too deep and too serious and really tocuhed the line into the physical side of an affair. He’s suffering from severe depression so that complicates the situation and I have to take his motivations and his emotional instability into account. It makes me able to sympathize and forgive him a little I guess. We have addressed these issues head on recently and are talking honestly again. I am staying in the marriage but only because we had made this breakthrough recently. Without it, I don’t think I could have after learning about the latest emotional affair. This last one almost broke me (and him). Anyway I hope the best for you, whatever that may be. I don’t know what’s best for you because each situation is different but I hope you find some solution and some peace. Take care…



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Sam

posted December 1, 2008 at 2:15 am


The difficult issue in my case is that there are things that I have tried for 18 years to discuss with my wife that she has not had much interest in that are deeply important to me. I am a deeply religious Buddhist and my wife is a “lapsed Catholic” – I don’t really know the full implications of this term but it implies a general distrust of organised religion.
The woman I was befriending was an active Catholic very interested in Buddhism and expanding the depth of her understanding of spirituality.
I know that what I was looking for in our friendship was what I hadn’t been able to have in my own relationship and was deeply important to me.
I have cut off from seeing my friend (not entirely as we work together on a project) after long discussions with some of the monks and nuns at my center and have put alot of energy into my marriage which is working to some degree.
Still I remain frustrated that my wife does not share with me the sort of intense interest in spirituality and philosophy that my friend and I share, and that this same sharing of sincere interest generates emotions that I couldn’t handle and which stop our friendship.



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Regina

posted January 5, 2009 at 3:19 am


Hi,
I am married with 3 kids and the Other Man has been divorced for 10 years. Am relieved there is a channel in which I can express myself knowing there are others going through the same. Our affair started 2 years ago, it appeared innocent and I only realised how deep it was when it was kind of too late. While I wouldn’t say we were that close or communicated a lot, for the better part of last year we emailed each other consistently. Trouble is I fell in love with him but we haven’t engaged in physical intimacy. Good thing, though it hurts, is our affair has been on and off, and since I know it is wrong, I have been kind of reluctant to open communication…..without communication any relationship fails. It was really bad to the extent that I felt I would have to choose either my marriage or the other man. We haven’t communicated for 2 months but part of me is hoping we get back together. Any advise



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renee

posted January 15, 2009 at 2:51 pm


Wow, this emotional affair stuff has me blown away. Here’s my situation – my live in boyfriend and I are having some issues. In the beginning of our 3 1/2 year relationship I told him I have a few male friends that I have know for years that I speak to periodically at work, or email or they call my cell phone. I never speak to them at home because I consider our home a sacred place, so if I am speaking to them I end my conversation before I get home and if I cannot I wrap it up as quickly as I can upon getting home. In certain situations a few of them have called my cell while at home and I have talked to them while at home and my boyfriend has been there. In a recent argument he has accused me of having an emotional affair.
On the other hand my boyfriend has female friends that he choses to talk to while he is at home. A few times I have caught him downstairs talking on the phone and when I walk in he abruptly gets off the phone, he works a parttime job and gets off late and several times I have caught him sitting in the garage on the phone and sometimes this is late when he gets off 1100 or midnight sometimes and I have confronted him about this and he gets all defensive and assures me these are just his friends and that I cannot dictate when he choses to talk to his friends. Sounds full of crap to me. Is it me or is this crap?



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rescuer

posted February 3, 2009 at 6:32 am


wow. i have read through all of these because my “friend” suggested in go on the internet and do research on “relationships like ours,” hoping there would be a loophole so that we could continue.
there is no loophole. there really is no confirmation, in everything i’ve read here, that it would be acceptable to continue.
i love the broken and the hurting as i am a rescuer. the more broken someone is, the more i believe i can help by being affirming and nurturing (in appropriate ways), i can connect, i understand. this is part of my make-up.
not as a married woman, it shouldn’t be. whenever you are putting your energies towards someone who isn’t your spouse (to those of you who are married), the more your energies are being denied to the one who is. there is a fine line.
i agree that we all have levels of accountability when something in a relationship goes awry, but i also recognize that if something is bothering me about my husband, that something usually emanates from me – for every finger i point toward him, i should have five pointing back at me.
i am responsible for my actions, ultimately.
so i texted my “friend” last night and told him that my findings were less than “favorable.” he never texted me back because i am sure he already knows.
grace and belief in a Higher Power can restore us all back to sanity. we simply need to be willing to allow the grace back into our lives. for the marrieds out here who are still reading this, i say stop. just stop. it’s difficult, i know i have a difficult road ahead, but if someone says they need your help at the expense of your spouse, you are NOT the person for the job. like attracts like and he will most likely find someone else, just like him, that will step up to the plate once you’ve vacated the area.
peace.



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sadie

posted February 11, 2009 at 9:21 pm


I am a married mother of three, in the midst of an emotional affair with a married coworker. My marriage has been unfulfilling and emotionally distant for some time, but even so, I never expected to be in this situation, I certainly did not look for this to happen to me. I find this very painful — to be in love with another man while married to my husband, whom I also love, just not in the same intensely romantic way. I haven’t succumbed to a physical relationship yet but I am afraid that I am headed in that direction. I don’t know that I am strong enough to walk away. I don’t know what will happen, all I can say is that I have enough powers of self-awareness to know that my feelings for this man came out of emptiness, loneliness, and longing for connection. I, like many of you, before experiencing this myself, would have had nothing but judgments about someone in my situation. Divorce is out of the question due to my kids (lots of issues). I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I can’t completely let this other man out of my life. If you have any advice, or prayers, thank you.



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Philo Arua

posted February 16, 2009 at 2:10 am


I find it hard to call my childrens’ father my husband because we both met and started having children, no proper marriage and my dad opposed this relationship till he died. As a catholic, our soul must be united to the man we live with. Without the proper church marriage, we are not complete. Anyway, he totally laughs and makes fun of my beliefs and I have waited for 18 years to correct this relationship issues with my partner. He committed adultry twice and would not explain why and besides he asked me to move to his country and look after his children for education purpose which I have done faithfully but he would not tell me how long I will be in his home town coz he does not know..I have stayed in his home now for almost 3 years.
I have tried discussing these issues and he turns on a silent ear and no response so I resorted to emotional affair on internet..now this man has the same faith as me and has proposed to marry me in our church and raise my children at his expenses…he is also relocating from England to where I am so I do not have to have the trouble of moving the whole family…Need your advise…Is this too good to be true…I committed emotiona affair but doubt the whole issue.



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Bill

posted February 21, 2009 at 6:17 am


Sadie -
Thanks for sharing your experiences . I have not seen my emotional affair partner in 7 weeks . It has been hell . I have been married for 33 yrs , 4 children all grown . My affair partner is 10 yrs my junior , married mother of two. We would talk daily in the restaurant where she worked ( and still works) . On a route I take daily for work purposes . I realized in December 2008 what was happening to me . That I was becoming way to emotionally attached to her . To quote a song writer – every time I saw her it felt like lightning running through my veins.
I am still confused about what happened wondering if it was a just friends thing really or a true emotional affair beginning . She gave me ” the look ” if you will many times when we talked , and would allude to getting compliments and affirmations in topics she brought up . I got lost in her eyes . Shameful for a man with a wife as long as I have had to find this excitement in another woman . I didn’t really want sex I think , just wanted to be with my “friend” more and more. Yes like a drug addict. I have been working on my marriage since last time I saw my friend , my wife knows about what happened – we are both working together on our marriage . But many times I feel like a hypocrite and lair in my relation to my wife because “my friend ” keeps popping into my mind without warning. I miss my friend with an ache I cannot explain . I want to see her again , especially when my wife and I have a large disagreement or heated thing . I was so lonely in my marriage , and that is getting better . But that loneliness comes back even when my wife and I are together at times . That longing for my friend . Wonder how long this missing will last , and if I will risk hurting my wife deeply again , and losing my marriage . To me it is like I’m insane – can’t grasp whats happening – very disinheartening . To “end ” the affair I wrote a letter to “my friend” and told her I was in love with her and about what disaster was beginning to happen in my marriage . Her reply via phone was . “I’m upset by your letter , I’m upset that you told your wife , and my husbands upset “- That was it and she had to go . This all I never thought would happen . Maybe I have been set up for this just waiting to fall when the right circumstances all came together since the day I was married or even before . Healing is not coming fast .



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Sarah

posted March 9, 2009 at 10:07 pm


Sadie, Bill,
I share your pain and guilt.
It’s been just over two weeks for me, and I still think about my friend every day. My husband and I have been trying to dig through this and figure out what went wrong, and he has been so patient, which makes me feel even worse. He tries, but he just doesn’t have affection for me like he used to, and I have been emotionally starved for so long. This friendship has been the thing that kept me going for the last five years. I hid from myself where this was going — I didn’t want to see it for what it really was, because then I would have to stop. But I can’t pretend any longer, and it’s all come out in the open.
Like you, Sadie, I would have had such harsh judgments for someone in this situation just a few years ago, but now here I am. I’ve taken a look inside my heart, and am devastated at how shallow it is. Why could I not be faithful to the man I first fell in love with? How could I ever love someone else?
Even though I see that we’ve probably come to this point just in time, I still sometimes think if I had to give up this relationship, I wish I could have at least had one kiss.
God help us all.



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Your Name

posted March 29, 2009 at 5:27 pm


god, i sound like each and everyone of you. i cry as i sit here writing this. “my friend” was going through a divorce after 36 yrs of marriage. he moved in temporarily next door during the process. we got to know each other. i know i fell in love, and he actually pursued me in the beginning. he has since moved, and i have since found out through court records, he was a wife abuser. so why don’t i catch a clue. i did leave a message on his phone calling him a “fucking wife abuser” {which he is}, but now regret it because if had kept my big mouth shut, i would still be talking with him. it’s been 2 months. during our friendship we had a falling out and didn’t speak for 7 weeks. why is this harder than that time? my husband and friends, and my mother know of this. do i try to call him possibly facing rejection, or continue to move ahead. i guess getting stronger everyday. like many, i feel like i can change and heal someone too.



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Your Name

posted April 6, 2009 at 7:40 pm


You guys want your cake and eat it too. Make up your mind, you can’t be with your spouse while having an emotional affair with another person. People’s feelings are involved in here. Is that the example you want for your children? How do you like it if your very own beloved son or daughter comes to you crying because their marriage is crumbling because their spouse were doing the same thing you did? How do you feel if you are the very same people that destroyed your children’s marriages? And divorce is out of the question because of your kids? Did you ever think of them before you engage in an emotional affair or are you just too selfish to see it?



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Your Name

posted May 7, 2009 at 12:56 pm


My significant other of 5 years just deployed for 4 months, 2 weeks after he left his ex wife who is currently married,they have been divorced over 11 years left him a message on his answering machine. They were only married for 2 years and she cheated on him the whole time, their divorce was bitter and nasty. I just found out this past Sunday that for the past 6 months they have been having an online relationship and also calling each other. When I found out I e-mailed them both, she responded he has not. They both agree that what they are doing is okay and I am the one with the problem, I am insecure. I ended it with my s/o, he was at first angry that I would no longer be taking care of his house and told his ex that. she must have blasted him, he was begging her forgiveness for being so harsh and told her she did him a huge favor in getting rid of me.My s/o insisted that our relationship be exclusive, I guess that only applied to me. The love and tenderness that my s/o is showing his ex is so unbelievably painful. I e-mailed him last night telling him that what he is doing is infidelity no matter how they try to justify it. I then block him from e-mailing me. This is so unbelievable, I feel like a fool



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betrayed

posted May 18, 2009 at 11:51 am


I believe my husband is having an emotional affair with a married woman with two young children. We moved to a new state in 2005. He met this woman at a public place. She had taken his cell phone and put her number in it and sent him a text message saying “any place, any time”. Well, they eventually became what they describe as “best friends”. He confided in her that he felt neglected. My husband shared with me that for about four years he felt neglected, and unappreciated and that I acted like I didn’t care. I didn’t realize how bad it affected him, and I do take responsibility for that. We do however have three children, I work full time, and was going to school to better myself. I have always loved my husband and have a tremendous guilt for making him feel this way. I have been working very hard to change that behavior and even sought counseling. I have been a better wife and mother. The problem is that he continues this relationship with the girl. They spend a lot of time together out to lunch, on the phone, texting, and he even has had her over to our home. They see each other at least 4 times per week. I have caught him on the phone with her as late as 3:30 am in the morning. There were times when we couldn’t go out without them texting each other multiple times. I have found pics of the two of them on his cell phone with their arms around each other. They went to a concert together and were all over each other. They spent a lot of money on each other for christmas when our own childern didn’t get that much. She got him an expensive gift for his Birthday which was about 300.00. He spent a lot of money on her for her b-day, and he isn’t even working so it was my money. Same thing with the lunches and breakfasts out. He isn’t working so its the money I am working for. She has a myspace and he does too and she is always leaving comments that say Love you, along with xoxoxox. They tell each other that they love one another, I am sure about that. She has already had two affairs on her own husband and it looks like she is on her third. My husband says everyone assumes to much and that they are just friends. He also treats her children like their his own. She recently had her tonsils out and he had to be at the hosptial with her, and then stay with her at her house, and visit her everyday. He got her get well gifts, but not one thing for me for mothers day. My children are very upset over all of this because they feel their father is neglecting them. My youngest became very upset because her father promised to watch a movie with her but instead talked to this girl on the phone for an hour. He will tell me he is out by himself but I can sometimes hear her in the background and he will tell me its his radio.
I want my marriage to work, and I feel totally terrible for ever making him feel bad, and have been working so hard at being a good wife. However he is not meeting me half way. Recently a group of family members, Aunt/Uncle and cousin told my husband how they feel about his relationship with this woman and how wrong it is and my husband got extremely angry. He said he doesn’t care what people think. Its not just reatives that feel this way, its people who see them out together all of the time. Her own husband has threatened to end their marriage if the relationship doesn’t stop, but she doesn’t care, she also continues. My husband wants to move back to our previous hometown now. He said its because he thinks it will make everyone happy to get away from this woman except him. My opinion is if your just friends then you wouldn’t be looking for a way to escape and making comments that it will make you unhappy. Looking at the 10 Red flags above has confirmed what I have known for a long time, my husband is having an emotional affair and is in denial.



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Vox

posted May 26, 2009 at 3:58 pm


I hope that writing this turns out to be cathartic.
I am a married man who has been involved in what I have come to find out is an emotional affair for at least a year, intensely, and probably a lot longer on a less intense level. The affair is with a married co-worker who, like myself, is involved as part of the ownership structure of the company I work with. What started out as a professional working relationship changed over time. Early on, this was not a person who I had an immediate bond with – pleasant, professional, but totally not my type and on what I perceived to be a totally different emotional plane.
Over the span of many years, I became the person she would confide in. I truly felt for and sympathized with the distance she felt within her marriage, the struggles she faced with her family, perspectives she asked for on spirituality, everything. We crossed emotional boundaries which I have only ever crossed when I was in the early phases of a romantic relationship with someone. We spent tons of time together, work and non work, goofed off together, shared a lot of happiness and a lot of the depths of our souls. I’m not pretending that the feeling was not mutual, but she needed me, and does need me. And for me, needing to be needed and wanted is a huge part of my existence.
There has been nothing physical, nothing sexual. Part of me longs for that, fantasizes even, but I would never want to cross that line because that is what I once considered the point of no return. Know what? Even without the sex, without the physical attachment, I now believe that, for me, the point of no return was long ago.
My feelings for her have become a demon I have struggled with and continue to do so. As time passed, I found myself exaggerating stories about little frustrating things in my marriage, things which sympathized with her experience but which I knew were not completely true. I wanted to be part of this private club of misery in hopes that it might draw her towards me. I wanted to push the envelope as far as it would go. I enjoyed her mostly innocent flirtation and what was a real emotional connection with someone. I found myself thinking that this woman was really my soulmate, and even though I knew that a more intense relationship was not possible, just let my feelings keep going.
I began thinking about her all the time. The burden of my emotions and the connection I had with her became so consuming and even painful that I prayed to God to end them. Because of professional issues, I knew that she would not ever be completely out of view unless things changed radically, but I was hopeful that I could just turn off my heart and mind and focus again on being a husband to my wife and a father to my family. It worked. For a while. And then, I found myself in this same vicious cycle all over again.
I can only imaging that it is like what alcoholics refer to as falling off the wagon.
A while ago, I found out that she had rekindled a relationship with an ex-boyfriend, or he had with her or something. I don’t know all the details, but I know enough to hurt because of it. I’m miserable. I thought I was the only one with whom she shared so many things. And I completely realize the hypocrisy of having jealous feelings for someone of whom I have no business being jealous. I was wrong to have any feelings in the first place. I was wrong to have the subsequent feelings. Everywhere I turn, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I am miserable.
I’m sure that I will find my way out of this. But for now, I am miserable. Miserable for the time I lost with my family, miserable for the love and intimacy I denied them, and miserable for the way I feel about my situation and the hopelessness I feel. I’m broken-hearted and too afraid to discuss my feelings with my wife or even my best friends. I am a deceiver and I deserve everything I have gotten.
So, please, if this reaches anyone who thinks they might be going down a dangerous slope, stop. Just stop. If you’re smart enough to realize that it might be a no-win situation which if you were honest about, would cause pain to your family, or you, stop. Just don’t do it.
I wish I had.



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War Devil

posted May 27, 2009 at 9:37 am


Maybe an emotional affair is a sign that perhaps one has married the wrong person? Everything I’ve read about these emotional affairs seems to stress how wrong they are, how damaging and hurtful, and while I’m not disagreeing with the pain they can and do cause, I’ve yet to see a single article even hint that maybe, just maybe, the emotional affair is a sign that perhaps the marriage itself is wrong. An emotional affair does not right that wrong, however; I’m just pointing out that, in face of all these articles urging people to fix their marriages at all costs, that it would be nice just to see one that’s a bit more open to all the possibilities in its view of relationships.



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Your Name

posted July 6, 2009 at 8:51 am


I’m in the same situation as Vox. Not quite as long, but nevertheless still as painful. I became close to the woman at work. Nothing intense at first. She would come into my office and tell me about her bad relationship with her husband of 13 years. She has four children ages 13 -23. I have been married to my wife for almost 30 years. I thought happily. I found myself confiding in this woman more and more and giving her advice regarding her personal life. I began to think of her more and more and we became increasingly sexually suggestive. She left our office last week and I want to talk with her so badly. I know it’s wrong and I haven’t succumbed. I have been reading everything I can get my hand on about emotional affairs. Just putting this in writinghas helped.My wife doesn’t know about it and I hope I have nipped it in the bud. I’m telling you it’s like getting off of an addictive drug.



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Survivor

posted December 3, 2009 at 12:05 pm


There is no such thing as an emotional affair.An affair is an affair.
It’s wrong, maybe that’s what makes it more interesting and keeps it going sometimes.
It’s the secrecy of saying/doing things that draws us into it.
I have been in this situation with a married man. I am married too.
It started off with just e-mails and texts. It got physical and stayed only physical.
Once that happens all the emotional part is lost. I agree about it being addicting. It’s like peeling a tape off your heart. It hurts like hell, I thought I wouldn’t survive it, but I have and am working on my marriage now. I have been honest with my husband and we are using the affair as a wake up call to save our marriage.
My advice would be to see the warning signs before it gets this far and do something about it.
A relationship built on “lies and deceit” as it’s foundation, will never survive.



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Bunny

posted February 14, 2010 at 3:17 pm


Thank you War Devil. If I fall in love with someone, why should that be wrong? If we are both already married, does that make it wrong? I don’t think so.
I am in love with someone, and every time we separate, either on purpose or for other reasons (eg, holidays) the separation is painful. She is the most wonderful person I have met since lots of years, and that’s why we aren’t “just friends”. I am “just friends” with many women and there is no danger of those relationships becoming affairs.
The important thing is how you deal with the situation. If it hurts other people, then it becomes wrong. What is happening to Betrayed above is wrong, and she should leave her husband. If you have fallen out of love with your husband/wife, then you should be responsible and divorce – it will be better for everyone.
Apparently people find that affairs turn into bad relationships once both parties become available. So don’t dive into marriage with your lover, treat it like a normal courtship and spend time getting to know each other as individuals, not as unavailable married people, before you really commit to each other.
It’s the only responsible way of behaving.



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?

posted March 21, 2010 at 3:51 am


WTF if she’s married and I’ve fallen in love with her why should that be wrong? GET A GRIP. You are going through a midlife crisis. CAKE AND EAT IT TOO syndrome. GROW UP!!!! How dare you not care about your wives and husbands emotions. You are so damn selfish and I hope you end up with your affair pals because it will serve you right when you’re finding out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side and that alimony and child support payments make it tougher in a tough economy. You deserve what you get when you are so callous.



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Destiny

posted March 30, 2010 at 10:47 pm


I am telling you that War D knows what’s up…it is so true that the emotional affair is a wake up call to your marriage that it needs to end! If you really loved your spouse this situation would have never happened. We actively seek the person out even though we try to say oh we’re just friends who are we kidding you knew since day one that you wanted this person and the game began…then reality hits hard when one day you finally open up to each other about your feelings and guess what whether you get sexual after this or not GAME OVER YOU LOSE! You lose if you get sexual cause then the intense emotional dreaming is gone and you lose if one or both of you decide its not right to be sexual because then you deal with the pain and sadness of the lose. The lose of fantasizing what could be with you two this is what keeps our minds occupied so we don’t have to face the real truth that our marriage is over and not because of the emotional affair but because it was before this happened. You know I know it…



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EASUXs

posted September 12, 2010 at 12:08 am


The scary thing about emotional affairs is that the guilty partner often spends way too much time denying this to their spouse because there was no actual sex. I’m heartbroken that my hubby of 9 years moved out recently due to his anger at me for busting and confronting him several times about his EA. (I checked phone records). The woman is a former military co-worker who is getting married soon. I love my husband very much and have tried to do everything he said our marriage lacked to try to make it work. We have two young children, and this has created a financial strain for us. He will do anything to communicate with her and try to keep it from me. The main problem has been the aura of sneakiness, deceit and mistrust. He blames me for it all. I have no sympathy for him or his broken heart, and know that bad karma awaits her.



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rayan

posted February 1, 2011 at 9:20 am


I was having an emotional affair with a man I thought was my soul mate. We were exchanging emails and we would see each other on a somewhat regular basis.
more details marriage



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Juju

posted May 11, 2011 at 3:36 pm


I believe my husband was headed towards an emotional affair. He works odd hours and is home during the day (as is she). They met at the park and they let the dogs play together. My husband says this was totally a “just friends” situation and I had completely nothing to worry about, but when I asked him to slow down the near daily interaction with this woman and I was met with “what would you have me do? ignore her completely?” I asked him to not reply to her texts or to meet up with her in my presence only. Basically, I asked him to not interact with her daily and to bring her and her husband more into the “couples zone” and change the dynamic of their friendship from one-on-one to couples. He got angry with me and told me that I don’t trust him to make good decisions and I won’t allow him any friends. He literally became a pouty teenager!

I do not think my husband had become too emotionally involved, but I believe it was headed in that direction and she may have been getting more emotionally involved with him. She contacted him daily M-F asking when he was coming out with the dog so she could meet up. They exchanged a few emails, although very plutonic. I just had this nagging feeling that it was heading in the wrong direction. I also noticed his sex drive increase, although he was bringing that sex drive home to me, I didn’t view it as a good sign.

He has agreed to stop all communication with her and to take our dog to a different field or area in an effort to avoid her more. He has agreed that if they bump into each other outside, that he will be cordial, but he will be respectful of me and my feelings. I truly feel that I headed this off at the pass. But now I’m left with these feelings that something in our marriage may be off. How could he be so easily sucked into this ‘friendship’ and be so adamant about not ending it.

I’ve met her on a few occasions and I thought she was blatantly flirting with him. I asked him to admit that she was flirting and he admited that he didn’t want to admit it. I think he really liked the attention she was showing him and it stroked his ego. I truly do trust my husband and I’ve never had any jealousy issues (except with his exwife). I don’t mind if he has female friends, just that he respects my wishes to keep other women out of my house and not interact with someone daily while I’m not around. There was something about this woman, I could feel the energy she had towards my husband. I have no way to explain it. I just knew it wasn’t going in the right direction to protect my marriage. He still swears there was nothing there but friendship.

How do I find the flaws in my marriage and fix them now? How do I repair the trust that he’s lost as well as the trust that I’ve lost?



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Kat

posted May 26, 2011 at 4:51 pm


I don’t understand why having a friendship with the opposite sex has to be considered an emotional affair. I have a friend at work. We chat, we go to lunch and we sometimes vent about our spouses but we never have indicated any attraction for one another. We give eachother advice and we like having someone we can talk to. He has never been inappropriate with me and i don’t believe he has ever had any kind of sexual thoughts about me. I go to lunch with female friends as well and we talk about the same things and that is not cnsidered an emotional affair. Why can’t we be “just friends”?



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Stacy

posted June 14, 2011 at 11:15 pm


Thank You for this article. I have the most wonderful husband a girl can ask for. Been married for 24 years. We have 4 children together. Yet I find my self more and more attracted to another man. I dont know how to explain it. But I am having a emotional affair. I have started to distance my self from him . I just dont think I could give up a sure thing for a not sure thing. I would ruin all the years and trust that I have with my Husband. But on the other hand I do like the attention I get from the other man.



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me

posted June 14, 2011 at 11:24 pm


I have thought about having sex with the other man. But he has never acted like he would take it that far. i dont trust my self with him . Im very attracted to him and I may give in



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reckless

posted September 21, 2012 at 7:50 am


ive been dating a guy for 3 months & everytime i asked him if he was married he said no we spent a weekend together & asked him once again
he said no i believed him only to find out that someone i know saw a picture of him & has confirmed that he in actual fact is married i havent told him that i know as yet as i dont know how to please advise



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lilly

posted October 11, 2012 at 5:34 pm


nothing happened. Dr Omo I will give credit where it is due. Dr Omo is a spell caster that you will ever find. I am in a place in my life that I thought could never happen, but I am. My love has returned and I feel the negative spells that was on me is broken. I’m telling you if you been to other spell casters, psychics with no results or you never been to one and you need help, Go to alteroffiretemple@gmail.com you will be glad if you have him as a spell caster.



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Wilfred

posted November 22, 2012 at 7:19 pm


I and my girlfriend brokeup just because i could not tolerate seeing her hanging out with guys that she claims to have nothing with but call them just mere friends.
I could not take it anymore because i love her so much and though am jealous seeing other guys around her, i need her to understand that and respect that as well. But reverse was the case. she told me she was tired and could not continue, she complains that i dont trust her so how sure our relationship would lead to marriage.
I was so devastated and could not lose my love just for my selfish reasons. so i found this spell lady online who then did a love spell to bring her back and made our relationship more closer than ever and even more happier. The spell lady did help my life, my job because i could not focus on anything, and even brought my lover back in to my life.
The spell lady email is priestessifaa@yahoo.com, her spell is more powerful than i can ever imagine.



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mali

posted December 7, 2012 at 3:26 am


my lover is back with the great help of priest okdou he help me cast a spell that brought her back to my arms, in just one days. my lover left me with our only kid and now they are back, once again i want to thank priest okodu for his wonderful spell am now a happy man. you can contact the great spell caster on his email: okoduspelltemple@yahoo.com



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cindy

posted October 6, 2013 at 11:45 am


i never ever believed in spell until i meet a man called dr oye who help me cast a spell that bring back my ex lover who left me for two years before our marriage,His spells works beyond my imaginations and today i am happily married with two kids. What more can i say rather than to say thank you dr oye for been there for me,contact him today and your life will never remain the same his email abuyespelltemple@gmail.com may the good God continue to use you to save people as you did to me, He is the best spell caster that can help.



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JANE

posted December 28, 2013 at 5:41 am


I am Jane from USA, after 9 years in marriage with my husband, he divorced me and brought in another lady, i did all i could to get him back but all proved abortive, until a old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet who helped her in a similar issue at first i doubted it but decided to give it a try, when i contacted him he helped me cast a re-union spell and within 48hours my husband came back to me apologising and today we are happily together. Contact AGBAZARA TEMPLE on your relationship or marriage problems at:

agbazara@gmail. com

JANE
USA



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stacy

posted January 7, 2014 at 4:24 pm


First of all i want to thank kristina for the post she made on how dr khakani helped her in bringing back her lover before christmas.At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted dr khakani and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him,So i told him if he has helped anyone called kristina and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before christmas.i said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved.He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover Steve voice.i was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car as gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady,Am so happy today and am also thanking kristina for posting this early.Dr khakani you are truly a man of your word. He can also solve any kind of problems in this world. Friends you can contact dr khakani on his private Email khakanibestsolutioncentre12@gmail. com or cell number +2348062216903.



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