Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Sex Night: Beyond Blue Balls

posted by Beyond Blue

The sticker system I’ve been using on David—where he gets a sticker for good behavior, which translates into money toward a toy–has been working so well that last night I started Eric on one.
We have, in our house, what some psychologists would call “a problem.” One person sees sex as essential for surviving. The other view it like a car wash—nice, but way down on the list of priorities … somewhere around cleaning out bathroom closets, organizing photos, or alphabetizing Halloween costumes of past years.
Last night was fairly typical. My exhausted self felt the paws of my mate. The people-pleasing half of my brain jumped to appease him, to rip off her clothes for a quickie. The bitchy half just wanted her sleep. So I did the math: the last time was … crap, four night ago. He’s due.
Numbers didn’t coerce the bitch. She wasn’t about to move her head from the pillow.
“Okay, I can take a hint,” someone said, and rolled over.
That made me feel bad.


“Look,” I said, “here’s the situation. You know I love you more than any other male in this world—well, there’s David, but that’s different. And technically Jesus, too. My not wanting sex has absolutely nothing to do with my desire or love for you. I really hope you understand that.
“It DOES have to do with a stunted libido that 18 years of Catholic education has successfully repressed; large quantities of Zoloft, which makes my climaxing as likely as an immediate solution to global warming; and my pituitary meds that keep my orgasm on the back of a milk carton (i.e. missing, and worth a reward if found).
“And I don’t really see where I can change anything. I’m not about to start experimenting with my psych meds because it took me 23 tries to find a cocktail that works. I’m getting used this feeling of wanting to be alive. It’s refreshing change. And now that I have this abnormal aortic-valve problem in my heart, I’m limited to the kinds of medication I can take to treat the pituitary tumor—the kinds that make you hate sex.
“So, my dear one, between my bipolar brain, pituitary tumor, abnormal aortic valve, tilted uterus, and facial fungus, I’m one illness away from a wheelchair—at which point sex would be almost as frequent as if you were married to a Army officer stationed in Iraq.”
“So, do you find any enjoyment in it?” he asked.
I thought for a moment. “Yeah, sometimes it feels good … like a nice backrub.”
“A backrub?”
I looked over and couldn’t bear to see the droopy, puppy-dog eyes anymore. It felt comparable to walking away from the young orphans that I got to hold in Calcutta.
“Look. How many times a week do you need sex?” I asked my other half.
“Twice. At the absolute minimum.”
“Okay. Monday and Thursday nights you get your sex. You can count on those two nights. But that means no dropping hints throughout the day on the other days. Or else you lose a sticker. Is that a deal?”
“I’m happy with it,” he said. “Except that today is Tuesday.”



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canucklehead

posted November 8, 2007 at 11:33 am


What is a titled uterus? Is it possible for men to get parts of our anatomy titled, or better yet, entitled?



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Anonymous

posted November 8, 2007 at 11:34 am


i feel bad for you but one thing that helps me alot is the marriage partnership section on christianity today -i am not married yet but they have so much info and stories that it help my sex/church-related worries a great deal…. :)



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peg

posted November 8, 2007 at 11:42 am


I think Therese meant “tilted” uterus which was what I had during my fertile, younger years.



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Therese Borchard

posted November 8, 2007 at 12:00 pm


Oops. Peg is right I meant tilted uterus, even though I believe my uterus is entitled. Therese



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Nancy

posted November 8, 2007 at 1:05 pm


If the quality or appraisal for our marriage was based on our sex life (he would be sooooooo thrilled to find that I was writing this), it would be deemed as “doomed”.
Steve and I are older than you and Eric, but between the two of us and life, meds, etc. – our “home movie” would be rated “N” – for non-existent. I used to be concerned that it meant something was wrong between us; now we’re just so beat up from everything, it’s all we can do to give a hug.
We truly do love each other and acknowledge that all of the time in words and actions (outside of the bedroom). You would have thought when both kids were in college last year, it would have been whoopee time at this household.
But that’s where the hope, faith and “trust in the process” comes in. Maybe this too shall pass. It’s a far cry from the little “wild and crazy girl” I used to be, and Steve, well he could care less. I thought for sure he was either secretly gay or hated me and just endured our marriage. Not. Meds are the great killer of the libido, and a relentless illness (me with me/cfs/fm – along with depression) leaves me with just about enough effort to breath, let alone anything else. So, since it’s both okay with us now, and we are secure in our marriage, we accept it as is for the time being.
Having said that, I absolutely love you honesty and humor and “sticker plan” for Eric. I’m sure the sticker poster is not on the frig for the kids to ask about!! You guys are younger and should be having some fun, which I guess we each define differently! So, Therese, like it or not, we’ll all be knowing what’s going on in your household on Mondays and Thursdays. Happy times for David (and hopefully you too!).



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Nancy

posted November 8, 2007 at 1:08 pm


P.S. – on the “tilted” uterus. After bearing a couple of kids, I think our uteruses are “entitled”, whether tilted or not.
No Freudian slip there!!



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JPL

posted November 8, 2007 at 1:11 pm


I don’t know who to feel more sorry for…you or your poor husband. I can of course understand all of those factors you point out, and their importance and validity. But at least, by your own admission, you don’t feel the need. He, on the other hand, really, really does…you described it as “essential for surviving”. And because of your religious convictions, he can’t seek release elsewhere, and remain your husband. It seems a triple punishment: be sexually faithful, deal with all the pain caused by the illnesses, and deal with the pain of enforced abstinence. I mean no judgement. It just seems very painful, with no obvious way clear. I hope you feel better someday, and your marriage bed, and life, become more joyful.



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Lynn

posted November 8, 2007 at 3:03 pm


Sex is great , great sex is really great. I know what great sex is , I have had it, and please no judgement here , it wasn’t with George ( our sex life was not bad, but it wasn’t great). As my post in the previous topic expressed, the only real intimacy between George and I was not in the bedroom and it certainly had nothing to do with sex. Most of my great sex was just that and I truly never experienced the closness with my sexual partners, that I feel with George. Again please no judgement, I am HIV positive. My sexuality led me to a not great ending. I am not Sexual now, I may never be again. Great sex is one thing, it is not the only thing, it may not always be the right thing either. I am going to do my activist thing now and ask that any of you who are reading this, who are not in a monogimus relationship,and are sexually active, Please, please get tested. HIV is real, there is still no cure, it still can kill. It is better to know than not to know. :)



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Cully

posted November 8, 2007 at 4:42 pm


re: ” I am HIV positive. My sexuality led me to a not great ending.”
Posted by: Lynn | November 8, 2007 3:03 PM
damn… i am so sorry, i like you so much, and i am glad we are *bloggettes*
Blessings my friend, and love,
Cully



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Curtis

posted November 8, 2007 at 6:51 pm


Wow, this sounds fatal. Do you know how many marriages crater, tank, crash and burn, flame out, vaporize on account of the loss of interest in sex? OK – yes – you probably do. But putting your husband in the category of a mendicant child – bad idea.
Myself, having suffered the very bad effects of a “mild” SSRI (celexa) that effected a total inability to climax – I really strongly recommend you a) find a naturopahtic physician and b) follow her recommendations as to how to solve these medical situations you suffer and c) rediscover how it felt when you really, really wanted your man.
‘nuf said, I reckon.
C.



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lapatosu

posted November 8, 2007 at 7:10 pm


I liked the tongue in cheek ending of the blog. *lol*



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Larry Parker

posted November 8, 2007 at 7:20 pm


Therese:
Wow, this is unbelievably courageous and forward even for you. What is it about TV shows that “blow out the fourth wall”? I guess you’ve blown out the wall of your bedroom.
I apologize for the Zane-like (but still not, I promise, NC-17) quality of what is about to follow, but it seems the only way to give you the best feedback to your dilemma.
I can sympathize but not truly empathize — not only because I’m a guy, but because SSRI’s … well, for me, they render me unable to reach true Long Dong Silver-hood, but otherwise don’t pose an insuperable obstacle to sexuality, either mechanically or in its enjoyment.
But here’s a strange thought (especially coming from me, Mr. Skeptic on Catholic sexuality teachings) — can you use your Catholic guilt to an advantage? That is, if Humanae Vitae really says that sexuality is both unitive and procreative, and you love Eric and Eric loves you, why not focus on the unitive part? (As for the procreative, that’s between you, Eric and G-d — that’s too intrusive a question for me even on a thread this frank.) Is there any way to focus, emotionally if not physically, on the feeling of desiring being desired, as Eric clearly desires you?
Oh, I’m not letting him off the hook, though, not by a long shot. Don’t sell yourself short on your, um, own ability to enjoy sex. Ask him — tell him — to BE CREATIVE. (And, I hasten to add, remind him to be **tender** — literally as well as emotionally.) If it ends up feeling bad rather than good … well, it sounds like what you’re going through anyway, but you have to give him credit for trying; hopefully the holding each other and snuggling and cuddling will make up for any clumsiness from experimentation.
But who knows — there might just be a spot undeadened by the Zoloft, maybe where you and he least expect it. (And not just, of course, below the waist …)



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Larry Parker

posted November 8, 2007 at 7:23 pm


(((Lynn)))



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Lynn

posted November 8, 2007 at 8:24 pm


Therese, Peace of mind is better than ( and please forgive me here) a piece of ass anytime. I am sure your husband would agree. Do not trade your mental well being for a physical pleasue that lasts such a short period of time. If you knew me well you would know how unchacteristic this statement is of me. But I stick by it and know that it is true. life with children and sex don’t go hand in hand too well. I believe you and your husband will come together again( pardon the word play) soon. just love each other the rest always follows sooner or later. :)



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Lynn

posted November 8, 2007 at 10:15 pm


(((Larry)))



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Wisdum

posted November 8, 2007 at 10:40 pm


I guess I shouldn’t pass up an opportunity to talk about sex here (wow!) I think we first need to separate two words, actually three. Love/Sex/ Intercourse. A lot of people think that sex is Love, especially those that say “Let’s make Love”. Love is a trinity, physical, intellectual and spiritual. In a Love relationship, it requires all three to be successful . . .”A three note chord, is not easily broken”
The physical is what most people refer to as sex (which is a misnomer the term is “sexual intercourse”) If you leave out the intercourse part, it will not be a satisfying sexual experience, generally for the female. Intercourse borders on the intellectual, and is what you could call intimacy, the sharing of deep feelings between each other, or from a religious metaphoric standpoint you could say the Truth, the Light and the Way. Marriage is all about intimacy, but I’m sure that there are secrets of your psyche, that you both will not or can not talk about (much of it, the result of religious mis-conception and mis-understanding as to what is permissible between both in the intimacy of a sexual relationship)
The Spiritual ? . . .That’s God, and God is a major part of this relationship. I don’t want to spook all of you, but God is looking over your shoulder, not to judge, but to make sure you are doing it right and having a good time by yourselves (talk about the world’s greatest voyeur !) God didn’t make this exciting for nothing, face it, if it wasn’t fun, most men and women wouldn’t have anything to do with each other ! If it ain’t fun, you ain’t dooin it right ! (Bear in mind that God is a God of Life . . . a Good Life !. . and an Abundant Life ! . . . and enjoyable Life !) When He said “Go forth and re-plenish the earth” what did you figure He had in mind in how to accomplish that . . . “Your Love shall be like sands on the beach . . .Stars in the sky !” ( maybe you could throw in “A twinkle in your eye” just to be poetic!)
This is extremely important (and God’s sense of humor!) this gift of freewill, can be a major problem in relationships (between you two, and the whole world !) We are all unique, and it is not very likely that any two individuals will agree completely on anything, especially as far as sexual intercourse is concerned (or is that pro-cerned !) Generally, what is agreeable between the two as One, is acceptable, and that’s where you will surely have a parting of the Way! That’s probably why Yeshuah never got married, He was into sacrifice in the name of Love, but apparently not into compromise and taking out the garbage, althoug He had no problem giving religious authority a lot of garbage … if you catch my drift !
LUV 2 ALL
Wisdum



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Jim G

posted November 9, 2007 at 12:18 am


If you read Rabbi Boteach (I’m not sure if that is the correct spelling) on BeliefNet (I just did the for the first time,) he mentions that sex as often as possible is important for the intimacy. But he advocates a sex fasting also each month for 12 days. But lots of sex while not fasting.
He’s probably right, based on my experience. And I like his advice.
Have you tried Wellbutrin? It does not have the low libido side effect that other anti depressants have. Although some people might go into mania with Wellbutrin.
You mentioned you like back rubs. And Boteach says the man should put the woman’s pleasure in front of his own. So why not ask your husband to take a course in massage, and then first give you a massage and then have sex? I can’t imagine you’d turn that down.



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MaineMcQ6

posted November 9, 2007 at 6:32 am


I am going to pray that JOY comes into your intimate life that will knock your socks off and surprise the heck out of Eric. Looking forward to a special posting here in the near future. Fine Lady, God is going to deliver you a treat. :)



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Margaret Balyeat

posted November 9, 2007 at 6:47 am


As a divorcee, this is ONE problem I no longer have to deal with, but I can relate in terms of memory. As it happens, I was the one with the higher drive (although factoring in his “extra curriculars, that may not be true!) and as such I can attest to the fact that the biggest reason (other than love and libido) that I wanted intercourse so frequently was because he was so darn good at it! Perhaps T. that’s also an element of Eric’s desire for frequency. If so, what a compliment to you! In spite of Wisdum’s (excellent, by the way!) treatise on the components of love, I think another thing to remember is that (IMHO) the mind is the most important sexual organ that ANY of us has! Those of us with “creative wiring” therfore have an ADDITIONAL challenge even without the side effects of our psychotropics! While a mutually satisfying sexlife is DEFINITELY a component of a strong marriage, it is, only ONE component. And the quest for the perfect O is as illusive as the Holy Grail has proven to be through the centuries. Although it was no substitute for the “real thing”(Sorry, Coca Cola), I found cuddling, touching and foreplay in general to be as satisfying as completion and found myself wanting that as “afterplay” as well. While the “sticker system” is quite helpful in various aspects of child-rearing, I’m not sure it transfers well into the sexial realm. Scheduled sex (for me) may be better than NO sex, but the loss of spontaneity(sp?) would be hard for me to accept, and (again, for ME) would smack a little bit of turning it intothe same category as a chore rather than a perk of a committed relationship You know, Monday is laundry day, Thursday’s is haul-the- garbage-to-the curb, the bed linens get changed on Tuesdays and so forth. I’m not sure that’s a mindset i’d be willing or able to change. On the other hand, it DOES eliminate the wondering and open the door to all kinds of anticipatory daydreamingand signaling (the LOOK, the tender touch and so forth), so maybe it IS a good trade off. (Somehow anticipation was never a part of laudry or hauling out the gatbage for me.)
BTW, I found your title for today’s post especially clever and amusing (Though perhaps to a male there’s nothing clever or amusing about the thought of”Ble Balls.) These are just reactionary thoughtsl since every couple must work out their own sexual relatonship, I wouldn’t even PRESUMEro try abd advise you seriously on this one! I DO think, however that an enforced period of abstinence such as those of us who are partnerless must endure might leave you with an entirely different attitude on the subject.(And,NO,before anybody jumps me for that one, i’m not advocating that as a solution, merely making an observation.



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Margaret Balyeat

posted November 9, 2007 at 6:58 am


After ging back and rereading all the comments (including my own, I wanted to include a caveat to Jim’s comment about the rabbi saying the man should put the woman’s pleasure first. Actually, I believe (fully aware that I’m probably no where near as learned as the food rabbi) that the reverse of that is true as well. If EACH participant puts the other’s pleasure ahead of his/her own, what are the chances that NEITHER of them leavces the coupling unsatisfied?



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Michael de Lounge

posted November 9, 2007 at 9:52 am


I had been in a “Monday and Thursday” relationship for several years. While I understand and respect the practical side of it, it does detract from the spontaneity of sex, which in turn can damper the fun. If you have a strong sex drive, it also can be frustrating. In addition, what if the waiting partner is not up for sex on Thursday, but Friday and/or Wednesday?
People, though, have their own attitudes, styles, and libido intensity, so “Monday and Thursday” could work out perfectly for some. And while it is true that if you love someone, the love will outweigh the demand for sex, for others, the compromise could put a damper (perhaps acceptable) on that part of life.



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SkipChurch

posted November 9, 2007 at 10:54 am


Monday and Thursday.
Sheesh.
It’s this kind of thing that keeps massage parlors in business.
The idea of a schedule like that is the biggest turn-off I can imagine.



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Wisdum

posted November 9, 2007 at 11:23 am


Re – Margaret Balyeat | November 9, 2007 6:47 AM
I think another thing to remember is that (IMHO) the mind is the most important sexual organ that ANY of us has!
Hi Margaret ! … You are absolutely correct ! All the studies have shown that sex/intercourse is 90% in the mind. I guess that I have been lucky that A. Frenda Meine, has led to witness evidence and testamony regarding this. One person had both of her legs amputated, and had no feeling whatsoever in her sexual organs, and yet she had a happy sex life. Her response “Sex and Love is 90% in your mind,My mind is not dead, only my lower extremities !” This is also the same statement for those that have ungone sex change operations, Plastic organs, just dont cut it in the real world !( Of course vibrators are a different story !)
LUV 2 ALL
Wisdum



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Larry Parker

posted November 9, 2007 at 12:18 pm


Just for the record, I was NOT encouraging Therese to change her medications — just saying all options in and out of the bedroom for she and Eric’s mutual happiness should be on the table BEFORE even considering a med switch.



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Mary

posted November 9, 2007 at 12:34 pm


Some men say to some women: “Dear, i had sex with another woman, but it has nothing to do with love, you shouldn’t be jealous because i love only you. I don’t betray you by having sex with other women, because love and sex are different for men.”
Sometimes i think that polygamy in muslim countries isn’t so criminal as it seems at the first sight, at least it is not deprived of some sense. In a family where wife isn’t interested in sex and her man needs it for surviving life of that man turns into eternal resisting of temptations and sufferings. But if that wife has a very good female friend who is lonely and needs just the same what needs her husband, why not to take her in the family?
…joke of course



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Edward

posted November 9, 2007 at 4:11 pm


Personally, having been a husband in this situation but with a wife who did not care how her husband felt, what he wanted, or what he needed, I feel very saddened and disheartened reading this. What Therese has done is about the most generous and loving thing she could do for her husband. I would have given anything but my soul for such an offer from my wife.
I never received one.
This plan may not be a perfect solution to the problem (which is a REAL problem, folks) but it is far better than the alternative of being ignored and told that was “my problem” not hers.
I admire Therese, and — I must confess — I am a bit of jealous of Eric’s situation. I hope he realizes what a lucky man he is.



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Larry Parker

posted November 9, 2007 at 8:31 pm


Edward:
If you don’t know my story, we share some very important things in common … :-(



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Margaret Balyeat

posted November 10, 2007 at 12:20 am


Mary: Remember about Abrahan’s wife and her handmaiden! There’s a lesson in that Old Testament story!



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Deb M

posted November 10, 2007 at 4:10 am


And men could do alot to set the mood, instead of coming home getting fed and then falling asleep afterwards, while the wife cleans the kitchen puts the kids to bed and passes out with exhaustion, then he wakes and comes to bed horny!



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Babs

posted November 11, 2007 at 5:38 pm


People have different sex drives. Add to it the harried way we live, children calling out for a drink of water at the most inopportune moments, and it is a wonder any sex occurs after marriage and after age 30.
If Eric is understanding, and I gather he is, then whatever solidifies your relationship together is good. What most men don’t understand is the complexity of female sexual response; how important foreplay and afterplay are, how the mood is set long before one climbs into bed (or your place of choice). If a woman isn’t too inhibited to express what pleases her, (massage is a very good start) and her partner is willing to take a bit of instruction, both can have a satisfying sexual response.
Feeling the pressure to “hurry up” is a big turn-off. Choosing certain days to make time for love-making is not a bad thing. Anticipation is good, and being rested enough to get into it is good, too. The “day” can be one of wooing each other in sexy, luciously suggestive ways in prep for the time when you can devote your attention to each other. I can’t imagine that there are many people around who don’t want to feel desired by their partner.
Having been on meds that had “sexual side effects,” I can say that it doesn’t have to mean “no sex.”



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Sharon

posted November 12, 2007 at 3:14 pm


Therese,
Forgive me for being so bold, but do your beliefs prohibit the use of vibrators? I would be very surprised if you couldn’t orgasm with a vibrator, even with all your med issues. You might find it easier if you try it out alone first, but if that is too guilt-inducing I’m sure you can get your husband to agree to it.
Don’t change meds, but maybe your doctor could find something safe to add. I’ve been lucky not to have anorgasmia in spite of all my meds, but I don’t have much desire and it takes longer to orgasm.



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Valerie

posted November 19, 2007 at 7:34 pm


Therese
I’m new to your site, blog, whatever it’s called. I’m not totally computer savvy so I don’t have all the correct terminology. Ask me anything about meds or depression though, and I’m you’re woman!
Anyway…I just want to say that you REALLY MAKE ME SMILE! You crack me the heck up and you talk the way I talk, which I find refreshing seeing as most people don’t “get me” or just look at me like I’m absolutely nuts. Which I am but in a good way. And, like a previous “blog” said, those who actually are on meds and have the diagnosis are the only ones who can really joke about being crazy or psychotic. My poor sister made the mistake of calling me “addled” which only conjured up images of poor Helen Keller or someone who suffered even a worse fate.
My point in writing is just to say thanks and to say you’re funny and keep it up. Laughing is good, smiling is good. Even scary ugly dolls all lined up in a row for our viewing/picking pleasure (for your inner child) are good. That was beyond hilarious! Had to tell my therapist that one! So, thanks! Keep it up! Valerie



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SkyDogNY

posted December 10, 2007 at 8:26 am


This is why the Good Lord created prostitutes.



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Mary

posted December 27, 2007 at 11:32 am


OH, I so relate to this column! I was raised strictly/Presbyterian by older parents. You would laugh to know how I came into being to my 50 yr old father and 43 yr old mother! It has to do with visitors to our house and my parents’ sleeping together to have beds for the guests. My cousin (who visited with his parents) and I still have good laughs as do my brothers (15 and 16 at the time) who figured it out by counting nine months back!
Both my husband of 45 years and I are on libido crushing meds, which probably makes it easier. We do try to break through the fog once in a while, but I think the memories are better, LOL! After we were married, my husband dealt with my many hangups and we enjoyed many years of great couplings. We have both been faithful to each other (it’s true) and weathered all the challenges that marriage and three kids can bring. We are happy just to have each other, now. Hang on. You won’t always be so disparate!



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Lisa K

posted December 27, 2007 at 6:30 pm


Girl, you are waaay more generous than I am and yes, I have tried the vibrator, my used to be favorite one, and I can’t even break a sweat. I can’t remember the last time the man I love and have been married to for only two years, made love. He’s a good sport though and seems to understand since he’s not complaining…God forbid he’s getting it somewhere else. We just love each other and feel lucky to have finally found someone who mostly understands us. But if anyone has any other suggestions, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for opening up and sharing and letting me know I’m not the only one onthe planet who thinks about sex, but who’s body very definetly won’t do it.



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rebeccat

posted December 27, 2007 at 9:38 pm


Just read this and I wanted to offer a little piece of advice. I have found that although I’m generally not one who is in the mood much, once I get going, I end up enjoying myself. I also had to get my husband to stop measuring sucess by making me hit the big o. It just isn’t going to happen more than every 3rd or 4th time and feeling the pressure to reach that zenith made the whole thing not-very-enjoyable. I don’t have a problem with this, but it was definately something my hubby had to get over. It’s a shame that we’ve made sex into a performance thing rather than a shared experience.
Anyhow, I’m rambling but my real advice is to have sex even when you’re not in the mood – you’ll probably enjoy yourself once you get going. And get rid of climax pressure. It’s not the be-all and end-all of sex. Even if it is more like a nice backrub than a trip to the stars, there are many worse things than an outstanding back rub! (I totally get your comparison, btw:) )
Oh – and this probably sounds bizarre, but try praying during sex – ask God to help you love each other and enjoy yourselves. He made sex and wants you to enjoy it. My hubby and I have both done it and found it helpful. I dunno. Just a suggestion :)



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wannabeangel

posted December 27, 2007 at 9:54 pm


sex doesn’t have to be a chore because of depression or lack of labido. It just takes creativity. Doing different things. Once you get started it gets better. The hardest part is getting started if you aren’t in the mood. When it is predictable and you are tired that is when it is a chore. (after the newness wears off and you have done everything over and over and it goes on to long.) You have to build on excitement emotionally, and the other ways/dimensions…spiritually, intellectually, ect….. Meaning makes it better. Machinelike is not for me.



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Jo G. Schneider

posted April 17, 2008 at 1:58 pm


Until just recently, I thought that w/ my Mal de Debarquement Syndrome, aching left knee, due problably to my Spinal sTenosis in the lumbar region ofthe spine, that my sex life was caput. Last year my husband decided that he preferred life to the dog rather than w/ me, so he had me hauled kicking and screaming out the front door by two Latino (Mexican) Cops and down to the Harris County Psychiatic Ctr. for a forced evaluation, whilst I was still on pain meds. for a re-do of my failing total left knee replacement;while I was incarcerated for 3wks,3days, he moved out July 11th, ’07 and started the process for a divorce. Well, i went through surprise, shock and awe, depression, and on the day my female attorney potential told me to write out a check for $1.000.00, I came home and took a bottle of pills, with out batting an eye. Lived inspite of the failed suicide, had more depression, went to live for 1 mo. w/ a nutty sister, who told me that i was not wanted, jumped on a bus and returned to Houston house, and got a guy attorney. Point: long in coming, i know, Now i find that my sexual inclination is returning, totally nice but I don’t know how to handle it. Jo



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Pat

posted April 17, 2008 at 3:10 pm


Zoloft and ‘the change’ made my libido nonexistant. My gyn prescribed Wellbutrin and Androgel. After a couple of weeks, some of the physical feelings started to come back. Sex feels good again. Now, nobody can give me an orgasm, except for me (and it takes forever!), but at least it’s a step in the right direction. Love that testosterone!



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k

posted June 26, 2008 at 2:57 pm


What is Androgel?



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k

posted June 26, 2008 at 3:05 pm


Orgasm! I want one.
Never feel anything any more
and have blamed the guy that
I’m dating (not to his face).
This lack has made me think
that I’m not in love. Not that
I’ve ever had one with any other
partner either. I’m looking for
a solution.



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Marie (Belleo)

posted June 27, 2008 at 10:23 pm


Sex what a wondrous act it used to be . Lately I have been praying fro my husband because I feel sad that he is so sad . I usually pray for everybody but for some reason I forget him and me . I do have many physical problems including depression that is situational. I sleep in my own room because I have a hospital bed . Whatever is happening lately we are connecting and the sex is good .Now he says to me I can’t do it every night .



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ashish

posted July 3, 2008 at 3:47 am

Deborah

posted July 17, 2008 at 2:41 pm


Orgasm!? What’s that?! The only time I’ve EVER had one is if I gave it to myself! I mean, is it me? I know that as a female, you HAVE to have it mentally before you can have it physically but geez! Let’s face it ladies, how many of you have NOT faked an orgasm?!



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Anonymous

posted July 21, 2008 at 11:24 pm


Me personally, I’m tired of the emotion that gets involved…Sorry, I just want to have hot steamy raw sex. Work for it baby, Slam me into a wall make me sweat…talk dirty to me…Sex to me got boring. Nothing spontanious. Guess that “is” what happens when you’ve been with someone so long but, really was hoping it wouldn’t I always hoped to get to know that body better and visa versa…Play (cause you’re comfortable in doing so) I had so many fantasies…both have got to be into it tho…till then I’ll just do it myself ;)



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MarcieD

posted September 2, 2008 at 11:54 pm


I’ve been bored sexually in my marriage for some time now. Lately (very lately as in only a few days now), I’ve turned to prayer for some help. My husband lacks imagination in the bedroom and so, I’ve not been looking forward to sex for some time now – several months well.
Our interactions are just so robotic now – I do it for I know it’s my wifely duty – and he has begun to sense that. It’s just a matter of i. woman arouses man; ii. man is aroused; iii. man and woman copulate; iv. man and woman fall asleep. There’s no passion, no fire, no interest, not nothing…on my part.
Am I destined to have utterly unfulfilling sex for the rest of my married life????



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butterflyred

posted September 4, 2008 at 9:53 am


I know what these ladies are going thru.
I feel the same way. My other half doesn’t take the time to please me. It’s hop on hop off and it’s off to do whatever he wants to do. It’s been sooo long since I’ve had someone please me that I don’t know if I even know what it feels like. I could care less if I even had sex anymore.



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Angelique

posted September 7, 2008 at 12:09 am


Therese, another exceptional writing!
I recently stumbled upon your wonderful Christian-oriented writings, and now I cannot get enough of them.
I was a virgin until my first marriage wedding night. He passed away, and too, I was the exact same way (virgin) my second marriage wedding night.
I hear and read so many who get bored with their monogamous relationship to their husband and need a lil spice.
Spice? How ’bout spicing it up yourself? A lil imagination, some new areas to treat non-physical foreplay (talking or a massage to gradually ease into making love)…..so many ways to add a new twist, a new something to change the “monotony” of the same-old same-old. I am constantly thinking of new ways and my husband is too……we only date each other. I could go on and on with fabulous things we do in our marriage, and it doesn’t have to be big to be important. I am very successful, in a man’s world, the sole woman in about 4000 miles in my specialty. I have been successful for 19 years so far, I give the glory to God. I know a considerable amt. of men I work around or hire or talk with about our industry, no time ever have I thought about fantasizing about ANYone but my hubby. The comforting smile and just holding me when I had a real rough day….he is the only one I want to share my bummer days and my empowerments, my estatic can’t=get=any=better work days, my fantasies of trying something new for 1) a new meal or 2) a new style in bed. no one else. Immerse yourself ladies in the person you married, never stray………never put yourself in that position. Date your husband, share everything with him, and remember, the first time you lie or gloss over the smallest truth, it becomes easier and easier…….



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Judith Sloan-Price

posted September 7, 2008 at 10:11 am


8 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage
By Therese J. Borchard
Beliefnet
I really like your work. I am a psychotherapist in Austin, Tx and you have written all the things I discuss with my clients. I’d like to put this article on my web site under my “resources” with your credits of course, and provide your link. Would that be acceptable?
Thanks,
Judith Sloan-Price, LCSW



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LastBreaths

posted September 7, 2008 at 4:25 pm


I miss his touch, and his scent. I now, I am in love. In fact, I have been for 18 years. Even after so many years when he touches me, I savor every moment lovingly. Then, just when we are about to make love my whole being shuts down, instantly! I get that close to making love and somehow I don’t see me laying there with him, I see my sister. My sister was “the other woman”. I don’t know how I got here, but I am here. Still loving the man I married and hating him at the same time. I am going insane! Four years ago, I learned about their affair. Supposedly a one night stand. What the hell! We were married, raising a family, going to church and working hard to take care of our family. Then, along comes my drug-addict sister and ruins my life! I used to feel pure in spirit, now all I feel is anger and hate. What happened! I did everything I was supposed to do as a mother and wife. I wanted to get a divorce, but my three children dropped to their knees and begged me to forgive him and not breakup our family. They threw a low punch at me when they said, “Mom you’ve always taught us about God and family morals and values, you also taught us about forgiveness, please be an example to us now”. I still told them all to go to hell angrily and walked away. I could not believe that all these years I told my children to love this man and I forgot to teach them to love and respect me. Of course, after a few weeks past, I felt guilty and an immense responsibility to keep our family together. Not to mention, be a great example to my children. I stayed! I have tried for four years to feel forgiveness in my heart and to feel peace within my soul, but all I feel is a sense of loss. I feel empty and sad. This affair robbed me of the only family I had. My mother have always focused on my other four siblings because as she put it, “they need more attention”. I have been pushed and cast aside by my family because my sister controls them. My other siblings are also into drugs and because I stirred away from that lifestyle, (even though I experimented as a teenager), I was always pushed aside and laughed at when I spoke about God. I loved them anyways and always seek them in a way a puppy seeks the love and acceptance of his mother and siblings. I always got kicked to the curb, literally. I raised my children and with minimal contact with them, because I wanted to break the vicious cycle. No matter what I did was obviously not enough. My sister reached through and damage the only beautiful thing that with such effort I manage to have in my life. Why do I still feel grief? Why do I still get sad when I see a family get together. I hurt so bad that sometimes I want to take my own life. I am in a deep deep black whole and can’t find my way out. Why do I still love my husband? Everything about him is perfect, except for the major thing, he was unfaithful, hurtful and to disrespect me with my own sibling. Ouch! Since then my children are out of the house, starting their own families and going to college. Everyone left me holding the fort down and don’t even bother to hear me out when I am going through dark hours. I am hurting, feeling lonely, and often pretending everything is alright.
Nothing seems to be going right for me. We moved 2,000 miles away from where we used to live, thinking putting distance between my family and mine will ease the pain. Now, I am miserable at my new job. I am feeling lonely, because I don’t know anyone here and to top it off I am being haunted by all the bad memories I am trying to forget. Today, I contemplated taking my own life. I do not know what made me run to this site and write; write about my pain.



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prochez

posted September 8, 2008 at 1:13 pm


LastBreathes, what made you run to this site was God. He brought you here so that you could understand that through him all is possible.



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Lack of desire

posted September 8, 2008 at 11:28 pm


After 10 years of taking SSRI’s,which seem to be the only thing that works for me, and now adding the extended release versions to Effexor, my libido is completely nonexistant. And so the dear husband is upset. He seems to want more and more in fear that it will be a long time before we will have sex again. My question is, how to find pleasure in having sex, when you do not have the sensations or physical responses to it that will allow you to have an orgasm? I am now having sex just to please the husband and keep him happy and faithful, but to me it is becoming just one more thing to do. I have to take the meds.Every therapist or Psychiatrist I have talked to has never given me a straight up answer on how to solve this. ‘because there isn’t one’.



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Terry Keyes

posted September 9, 2008 at 9:50 am


I read this and couldn’t believe this would be on this website. Sex and marriage is 2 words that marry like man and woman; Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve or Eve and Marilyn. I will say though that as a 41 year old being married to a 35 year old for 16 years (yes I snatched her str8 out of school) and just as any marriage the honey moon between the legs lasted and lasted and was great. I sort of think I wore her out with it and then she came down with illnesses and medication all but took her drive away. As an understanding spouse what more could I do than accept it. Cold showers stopped working so I turned to watching porn on and offline secretly. Even to the poing of having phone and chat sex where I would masturbate with the person on the other end. This was exciting at first and lasted a while but gradually got boring and knowing was just like cheating so I stopped. Met someone online going thru virtually the same thing until that almost turned into an affair and so that was really a no-no so that turned into just talking about the act of sex and all that comes with it. Main words in this connection being whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and we can kept it at that. To make a rather long story even longer I Don’t know what happened but my spouse got her drive back and by now it’s like I’m not back yet. When I would get the urge she didn’t want it or say not now and when we would muscle the act up for sake of arguement it wasn’t enjoying at all, just to relieve pressure. THAT SUCKED! Mainly it’s just to masturbate each other thru it. The porn is mainly online and maybe we will look at a movie together which gets things going but we both know about visiting sites of such and comment on such and are in the same boat now. Theraputically speaking, I have no doubt that it will get better. Sex and marriage is somewhat over-rated but under-rated at the same time but marriage without sex is dangerous.



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LastBreaths

posted September 9, 2008 at 7:49 pm


Thank you prochez | September 8, 2008 1:13 PM
for your kind words, I appreciate you.



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4GODALWAYS

posted September 10, 2008 at 3:14 am


WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ALL OF YOU??? (Except for prochez)
To Last Breaths:
I wish that I could take your pain away. I know that God can, but sometimes that seems to take more energy than, quite frankly, you seem to have available right now. I’m a Christian, but it gets on my nerves when Christians think that just because they are able to place themselves in God’s hands, everyone is able to do it with the same ease. (nothing against prochez) Well it is not easy to do, but… if you use ANY of what little energy you seem to have left, place it ALL in God and hand over all of that anger you feel on to him. You feel betrayed — bottom line. You feel violated and abused. And..to top it all off!!! — you have figured out that you can’t run away from it because you can’t run away from yourself. Nothing will change for you until you can forgive. I never thought that I could ever forgive but when I TRULY learned how to forgive, it was so impowering and such a feeling of freedom. (Not to be crude, but it is something of a climax in itself). Unfortunately, you will never have back what you once had, but you can definetly have something new and very good with your husband. It can actually be something so profoundly wonderful that you can actually feel guilty for feeling so good over something SO BAD. However, he will have to TRULY want your forgiveness (you mentioned nothing about that) and YOU will have to TRULY forgive him. Acceptance of your family for what and who they REALLY are is a big part of that too. Not to sound like I have no compassion but, what “family” did you really give up. I doesn’t sound to me like your “family” was much of a “family”, so what did you really lose. You can’t lose what your really didn’t have to begin with. I came from a totally disfunctional family and once I just accepted them as they were and not what I really wanted them to be, it did get a lot easier to concentrate on fulfilling my life in a healthy way. People like members of your “family” ALWAYS kick the one that has something they don’t have to the curb because–if they let you stay around, they will see their weaknesses and they want to hang onto all of their excuses. You are giving your sister too much credit. Pity (not sympathy) her because she is so lost. She is weak and acting that way is her only shred of feeling impowered. Please don’t misunderstand, I am not excusing your sister’s or your husband’s behavior. You need to ask yourself why are you allowing her to destroy you. It sounds like you have raised your children on the principals of morals and values, but at what cost to yourself?? Do you see them leaving as abandonment? I can understand if you do. Look at all you have put yourself through for four years. I am sure, especially after what your family put you through, that you take pride in your children. It must be frustrating though. You have been sacrificing for them and it probably doesn’t seem like they are very grateful by not being sensitive to your feelings. But see, it did not effect them anywhere near the way it has obviously effected you.
It will get better. God promises that. God only allows these things to make us stronger. I’m certain that it probably sounds hokey, but take it from someone who has been around this long city block….it does get better.
May God Bless You and Comfort You



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Kay Kay

posted September 10, 2008 at 10:40 am


I have no problem with my libido or my sex drive, as a matter of fact I would say it’s even MORE POTENT & STRONGER than ever but for some reason some people seem to think that if you DON’T have sex EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK then u must have a sexual problem or something must be wrong with your libido or some other wrong scenerio but with me that couldn’t be further from the truth. Here’s the ting, back in the day I used to allow lust to control me, as a matter of fact I don’t think I had much control over my own body because of my weakness for a certain guys and at one point i believe in my teenage years that i may have been “addicted to sex” because I felt like i had to have it all the time! And not only that, it made me feel good and desired but somehow I “still” felt empty but then later on I realized why I felt like I needed sex so much was because I just wanted to be LOVED. I grew up without a father & I guess the absence of my father had a much bigger impact on me that i realized at the time because even though I never knew him I always thought about him and wondered “why he wasn’t there for me”, I cried for many years wondering about this but when i turned 19 that’s when I stopped crying and just accepted it for what is was. I feel like just because I’m NOT doing it right now doesn’t mean I’ve LOST anything, I just have the DISCIPLINE & CONTROL now that i DIDN’T have before. I basically had to learn how to “love myself” all over again. And that’s the first time in my life that realized how much i’d been used and just decided to take back the control that i had lost. Trust me, when the time comes ……..



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Y

posted September 10, 2008 at 10:35 pm


Holy Smoke, people!
I would give anything for a nice, boring old husband or loverman that I could make love to or even be too tired or overworked or distracted to make love to and still smile when he places his equally overworked hand on my breast.
You are giving your guy an ultimatum or a sticker every time he sucks it up and shuts his mouth (which he could be using on your lips or elsewhere) about sex???
This is incomprehensible to me. What I wouldn’t give for a loving mate who wanted me that often.
What happened to intimacy in this stoopid country? Europeans have it. Africans have it. Latin Americans have it. Why not you?
I’m an attractive, divorced, hard-working female who just wishes I had your problems.
Orgasm isn’t the only thing on earth, girl. If you can’t have one, try weaning yourself off the Rx drugs. You might find it’s worth it.
How does loneliness sound to you as an aphrodesiac?
Good heavens, folks. Get real here! Drink a glass of wine or hydrate your body (and his!) with healthy water, don’t be afraid to touch him or yourself, and have a good, solid one on me.
Love and great sex to all.



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Pharmg142

posted April 21, 2010 at 4:57 pm


Hello! bagfdde interesting bagfdde site!



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chine

posted August 21, 2010 at 4:37 am

lusGuirediems

posted March 1, 2011 at 2:30 pm


Hello. And Bye.



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