Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

Video: Choose My Inner Child

Thank you very much to all my Beyond Blue readers who responded to my first attempt at video blogging (vlogging, as reader Larry Parker says) with words of support and kindness. Thanks for not telling me that I have a fantastic face for radio!My favorite piece of feedback was by my friend Robert Ellsberg, who watched the video while considering me to be included in his second volume of “All Saints” (not really):

You rock, Therese! Only technical suggestion: stand in front of a darker background–it looked a little like one of those confessions where someone is admitting (anonymously) to being addicted to Kellog’s sugar frosted flakes. If the goal is not to be recognized in the mall, I think it worked. But using my imagination you looked great!


Actually, Robert, I dressed up for that reason—to disguise myself so that no one in Annapolis would recognize me. But my dark shadow was plain inexperience at this.Which brings me to a second piece of advice I received from friends: “You were too serious … lighten up and be yourself!”I’m getting there. Remember, I am a vlog (video blog) virgin. Even though I’m mentally ill, talking to my computer as if it’s my best friend does not come naturally.So thanks for hanging in there with me! I promise to get better at this.Oh, and by the way, this video is rated PG-13 for partial (doll) nudity.

  • jch

    I have been away for a while and did some catch up reading yesterday and was really interested in the Dark Night of the Soul posts. I am buying the St. John book and I think I will really like it.
    Here is my current state of mind… I was diagnosed with Depression 5 years ago (age 25). Have the typical good seasons and bad seasons but through it all I have been in a constant Dark Night. I no longer hear the voice of God or get joy from prayer and praise. I cry when I pray. Even if I just try to bless the food. I get tired of crying so I stop praying. It becomes cyclical and tornado like that I feel like I am too far down to climb out– that is just the spiritual stuff.
    I have also been married for a little over a year. My husband knew on our 3rd or 4th date about my depression and saw it evidenced over our 2 year dating relationship. When he proposed I specifically asked if he knew what he was getting into. He said he did but I think he lied. he does not get it. He questions my salvation. He thinks my depressive episodes are selfish. He looks at my easy life and his really hard life (background) and sees that he is able to have hope and I have none and does not think that I am trying hard enough.
    I have no doubt that it is hard for him. really.
    I read your blog and others posts and have done searches about marriage and depression and wonder at the patience of other husbands. What helped them “get” it? how did they switch from frustration to patience and kindness? He wants to “hold me accountable” so that my depression does not become a crutch. nice idea but when I am in my darkest places I need love not lectures. I told him that was my counselors job and he dismissed that idea too.
    I am drowning and the person who I count on to be my safety net just thinks that I should swim harder.

  • Wendi

    Another winner, Therese. You crack me up. :) For what it’s worth, I think all the dolls are a little too creepy to represent your inner child! lol! And I feel I must caution you about the risk of a mentally ill person being seen carrying on a serious conversation with a naked Barbie, especially if tears are involved. It could be…uh… misconstrued. :) :) I have a picture (the baby picture that’s on my blog) of me on my desk that I talk/write to sometimes when I’m journaling. When I look into her eyes – my eyes – I feel a connection and it helps me reach that part of me.

  • Larry Parker

    I think they make actual ’70s smiley face dolls … maybe that’s what you’re looking for?
    If the actual doll models are your only choices, I’d go with “freaky Therese.” (Your name, not mine!!!) It shows some independence from your hubby, given that he hates her. And she’s the only one of the dolls who looks even remotely like she’s on the way to growing up …
    PS — I’m with your friend Robert — the lighting is much better this time. (Even though I know what you were going for shooting outside last time rather than inside!)
    As Billy Crystal’s Fernando would say, “Dahling, you look mahvelous.”

  • Larry Parker

    Oh, and “freaky Therese” also fits because, well, she’s truly the most “inner child-like” …
    She’s already been rejected (by your niece) and you’ve given her sanctuary, right?

  • Terry Carroll

    I don’t know about you, but I recognize when my “feelings” feel “young.” I can tell, even though I’m 62 years old, that some uninvited “dark feelings” are, well, just YOUNG! I can FEEL like a “little boy” at such times. That means, to me, that my emotions are responding to something remembered generically but not specifically. For example, when I’m having an “agoraphobic episode,” I have no doubt that I’m not really responding to the present situation but to some “remembered” situation that was strong enough to condition me to behave similarly in future situations.
    (My mother was GREAT at creating guilt from which there was no possibility of redemption or recovery: “you remembered to send your grandmother a birthday card LAST WEEK, didn’t you.” “No” I often replied. Rather than help me “repair” this social faux pas, I was allowed to feel that such conduct merits judgment of selfishness and lack of consideration for others. Today, I still feel strong anxiety over “special occasions” and holidays. If I am to participate in “family gatherings,” I have to do a LOT of preparation, including remembering, consoling and forgiving myself and others.)
    Not being a female, the idea of having a doll to project as myself and comfort doesn’t have much chance to work for me. But I do have to deal with this “inner child,” and “what works for me” is to a) recognize that my feelings are “young,” 2) recognize that I am undeniably at least a chronological adult and 3) spend time mourning that “inner child’s” pain. No matter how old I am, I can still “recognize myself” in things I’ve written as long ago as high school. That person was younger, but the person I am now has had a lot more life experience to understand what’s going on when I’m “feeling and acting younger,” and I do the best I can to “talk to” my “inner child” and comfort him. I am now and always will be the “person” that I am, which includes everything I’ve ever done as well.
    The significantly wounded “inner child” still exists, because YOU still exist, and haven’t morphed through totally different personal definitions as your life unfolds.
    You know the “Geico Caveman commercial” where the offended caveman is in his therapist’s office and asked to role play with a doll? He asks it a question, gets no response, and says “it’s not saying anything, because it’s a doll.” I guess these “externalization” technique work for some people — as in beating a surrogate abuser, or a pillow — but they’ve never worked for me: I can’t get past the “it’s just a doll” or “just a pillow.”
    Grieving what never was but might or could or should have been is an important part of recovery. I was once asked by my spiritual director to start praying through my family history, revisiting the remembered times of pain, and ask myself “where was God in that?” There was a particular instance, when I was about 10, that held power over me ’til I was in my 30’s. I couldn’t think or talk about it without getting angry. Then, one blessed morning, I experienced the insight that God was there at the time, knew better than I what was going on, knew me intimately AS A CHILD, and “my Father was very proud of me,” very pleased with how I did with my first remembered opportunity to make a true moral choice — to do what was right rather than what I clearly FELT like doing — and that He also wept over my pain. Total empathy and affirmation.
    Another woman I know had a similar experience, as an adult, with the feared loss of her beloved dog, who appeared to have run away. She was on her knees crying when she “felt” a “hand on her shoulder” and a presence “weeping with her.” God even understood the pain of “relationships” with dogs!
    My advice would be, rather than buying a surrogate, symbolic self to comfort, that you figure out what you are really mourning and “comfort yourself,” within which lies the opportunity to experience the unfathomable empathy and mercy of God.
    If you need an external, symbolic, almost sacramental representation of yourself to bring you comfort, that’s certainly okay. But, ultimately only God can place such wounds in the context of His awareness of you and His empathy and mercy.
    No matter how “messed up” you think you are, you show more evidence of being able to do a LOT of therapy ON YOURSELF, probably with the assistance of worthy friends, than that you are “sick.”
    That’s just my opinion, and probably as welcome and worthwhile as my other opinions. Being depressed makes life harder than it would otherwise be, but your recent postings on suffering (with which I agree) suggest that, while suffering is seldom anything someone would choose, it can be a “gift which keeps on giving.”
    As a psychiatrist once said to me, and infuriated me, “what do you get out of being depressed?” With the hindsight of many years, that’s a profound question. So is “what is your inner child saying and what does she need to hear.” Contemplating that question in the conscious presence of God, rather than a doll, seems to hold more potential for “good fruit.”

  • Cindy

    Oh Therese,
    You really made my evening with your video blog. I truly admire your ability to be honest, and humerous with us, your readers. The video really makes your site “come to life”. Congratulations on your first attempts! To me, you looked like a veteran!
    About the dolls, they scared me too. I tend to agree with Eric!
    I thought I’d share a wonderful story with your readers. There’s a man from the UK named Paul Potts. (see his 1st. video on “Britian Has Talent”……you’ll find it on YouTube). This man and his story are inspiring. This shy, depressed, humble man has such a God given talent, yet his low self-esteem kept him from what he most wanted in his life… sing Opera. I can’t say another word, you’ll have to watch this amazing video to appreciate it.
    Good night all and thanks again Therese for sharing yourself with us :)

  • Cindy

    Hello all…’s me again…..Cindy…..
    To make it easier, I’ve included the web address to watch the Paul Potts video. Enjoy.

  • robert m tracy


  • Babs

    I think that the doll you choose should be one that you can love tenderly, like you need to love little Therese. I don’t think that the character dolls do it, and Freaky Therese isn’t exactly the sort of relationship you want to have with your inner self. Isn’t that the relationship you already have?

  • patcasey

    i would choose niether of them.I would get me a Bratz doll because she has the fortitude of being trueful with you when you want the easy way out, tobe comfort rather than pushing some issues,and when you want to be valided. Bratz has expessive makeup to say to the world athat this is the way I am,deal with it as you, yourself, might say it from time to time.

  • Karen

    Hello, I am new at this but I came across your Post and I think you have all the wrong Doll,s! You need a sweet little baby Doll that looks real. And you can talk to your inner self ,love it ,rock and tell her stories. I love this site!

  • Sassy

    Interesting choice of dolls. Naked Barbie represents how naked you feel in the world, not a comfortable position. The mermaids are pure fantasy escape and completely shallow. Belle gets everything she wants in life though she really earns nothing and has no power to make choices. Freaky Therese reminds me of a doll inhabited by an evil spirit who will spring out at you when you least expect it. Since ToysRUs is not an option, why not look on the internet to find your own doll that reflects you.
    You are brave and stronger then you seem to give yourself credit for. Keep on working on your journey and you will find what you need.

  • Karen Tesar

    I cherish your posts. But the doll thing had me going. Then I watched the Paul Potts video that someone had kindly posted and I GOT IT! Paul was like the Phantom of the Opera! He sang for all of us who live separate lives…who we think we are and what we want to be, free of emotional scars and wounds so we can fully love and be loved. But all these things are part of our indelible stories. How to find the courage and determination to transform our lives is what you are doing, one post at a time. Thank you. I suggest someone creating a Paula Potts doll, to name and honor such a great guy and to remind you that you are an inspiration to us all. Maybe you could e-mail Mr. Potts and ask what he thinks! Pavarotti meets Therese. ( :

  • Marta Mahini

    Therese…I loved your parade of dolls. I do not feel I am in a position to choose one for you. I would invite you to contemplate on the following based on my own hands on experience.
    I bought my first inner child doll in 1992 in Zellers. She is about 6″ tall, washable, with brown pigtails and wearing a workout shirt. She is washable, flexible and my Little Marta. For many years she was lost to me as she was hidden in a cave). From there over the years I have purchased 3 finger puppets that represent different aspects of myself and at different stages of my growth. A belly dancer, a teenager with attitude and a caterpillar trying to be the king of multi-tasking. Recently I purchased a beautiful turquiose and purple stuffed dragon, I call Matt. She represents the rageful Little Marta who suppressed all her anger. I use Matt in and out of therapy.
    I love all my dolls/animals and have slowly integrated them into myself. Little Marta ( the origional one) sees them as her inner family. Oh yes, I have an adult Goddess as well. Bless you on your journey. Knowing we need to pay attention to our Inner Child(ren) is the first step….Blessings…mmm

  • Kay

    Dear THerese ….. I like none of the dolls for you. I would imagine a prettier looking one……an innocent looking one. A bit chubby so you can cuddle it. A baby girl perhaps!


    Since you are learning to use the internet to the fullest, i would like to see you get online and choose another doll. None of these seems suitable to me for you. some soft cuddly bay doll or even a abbage patch kid would be better

  • celia

    Hi Therese! Loved your blog, and your honesty. I haven’t had an inner child doll for years.My first one was a perfect little china doll with victorian style clothes and curly blond hair. She could have been three or four or eleven so simple, so innocent. I don’t remember when I gave her away or lost her. Now, after almost twenty years of therapy and my inner child is upset I do something sort of different. Being in social services I oftem have to pull myself out of a situation and look at it with more clinical eyes to see what is going to help the client the most, what is most true not what am I most afraid is true. I then do some deep breathing and so my own inner “group” therapy with my scared, angry or lost self. Once i see what needs to be said ( when upset my vision is skewed)I ease into an acceptance of the reality of the feelings and fear and reach out to that part of myself with gentle truth of how what she is afraid of isn’t necessarily true. I just am afraid it is. Just taking the time to listen to her (myself) helps so much. It reaffirms that I (we) are important and deserve to be heard. It isn’t foolproof or easy but it helps..camomile tea and valerian root help then too. simple caretaking I didn’t get. I suggest going to a doll repair shop and picking out a doll who has been fixed/repaired that speaks to your heart. You’ll know her when you see her. Peace and all good to you. Celia

  • Janet

    Therese- Pretty catty shot at little natalie and her mom (your sister?) How about a picture of you and your sisters and moms and aunts from the old days. Make a bunch of copies and hang them around your house, donate all the plastic pretties to some really poor kids and volunteer to help them read. after you establish a relaionship with one of these kids, get your picture taken together and hang it next to your original family shot.

  • Jenjen

    I would try for something completely different if I were you. I don’t think Toys R Us is the best place for an inner child doll. I think a homemade doll would be nicer — maybe go to a crafts fair, if they have them where you live? A plastic generic doll just seems so cold an impersonal

  • Tracey

    Hmm, it sounds like we all agree. I do empathize with your quest though. I had to bring an inner child doll to a workshop one time and of course went shopping for one at the last minute. The selection was sad. Made it harder for me to connect with my inner child, but eventually… If you’re able to, I think you owe it to yourself to find the one that clicks. and that’s what I think!

  • Dawn

    Hi there, A few months ago Hallmark came out with a mother daughter doll that look alike. One’s big and ones small, the little one sits on the big ones lap. I have mine on my desk and refer to both of them as myself. It’s a useful tool and helps keep things in perspective. They’re called Close at Heart Figures. I also plan on taking a trip to Build-a-Bear. I’ve had my eye on a bunny. I’m 42 y.o. my friend who’s 48 will be coming also. Remember to think out of the “toy box”

  • Avery

    Have you ever thought about making a doll? I make them out of fabric scraps. . .and find that, as each doll emerges from bits of cloth, embroidery and stuffing that she represents some part of my inner child. . .each doll is completely different, in part because I give them away to my friends. . . but there is transformation in the creation: not only do the dolls represent my inner child, but my inner child comes out to play when I make them.
    And, I just want to say that I really admire you for your column and videos. Your willingness to share gives me strength to get through my days, especially when the black hole looms large and deep. Thank you for your courage and tenacity.

  • Tracy Whitley

    Hey Therese,
    Sorry to hear that you suffer from depression too. I have my relapses from time to time though they are getting farther and farther apart, thank God. I really do “Thank God”, because he is what has helped me to be able to put a smile back on my face even during troubled times. I got saved when I was 15 years old, I eventually started back doing all of the things a normal teen does; I back slid on God. Well, for the last 4-5 years now I have rededicated my life to the Lord, our Savior. We, I mean my husband, myself and our soon to be 21 year old daughter have been in church and loving every minute that we’re there. We can’t get enough of the Lord. Before we got back in church, I had been feeling depressed and like something was missing in my life. I had everything a woman could possibly want- a loving husband, a loving daughter, nice home, nice car and just everything I could’ve ever wanted but something was still missing. I felt my heart just ache for something and at the time, didn’t even know what that something was. I do know what it was now though, it was God calling out to me. That soft little voice you hear sometimes was calling out to me to pick up my Bible and just start reading so I did. As soon as I started reading, I knew I had found what I had been longing for. It was God who I needed. Oh, what a peace I felt, one that I had never felt before. I told my husband that I wanted to get back in church and ever since, we’ve been living our lives for the Lord. It’s been so wonderful! Living for the Lord has made all of the difference in my life and in the lives of my family members. My mom’s even in church now thank God. I’m still praying and working on my dad though, but I know God will reach him; God can do what is impossible for us. I have put all of my faith and hope in him. When I have a problem, I take it to the Lord. That’s what you need to do and you won’t need a doll. All you need is the Lord. He took on all of your sins and hurts when he was nailed to the cross; he died for you and for me. He did all of that so that you and I and all who believe, could live forever and be with him one day in Heaven; his glorious kingdom. One day, I will be with him in Heaven, in the mansion that he has prepared just for me. He has prepared one for you too. All you have to do, is BELIEVE and confess all of your sins and ask his forgiveness and start today, living for him. Trust in him, he will not lead you in the wrong direction. He will make all of your paths straight and narrow, but you have to put him first in your life. Always, put him first. Take care and may God bless you with his everlasting peace and love.
    Tracy Whitley

  • Anonymous

    My speakers on my computer are out of whack, so I could only watch and not listen (And NO, you computer whizzes out there, they haven’t been inadvertently muted; I checked) but you look just fine to me. I think the inner child doll does sort of leave something to be desired, but I also truly believe that it’s the symbolism and the attempt that really matter. i like Janet’s idea of befriending some needy children and gifting them with your extra plastics, but make sure you haven’t formed any real connection with the symbol of yourself first. You already give away enough of your adult self, and your little girl doesn’t need to feel abandoned or forsaken any more than she already does! (don’t all of ours?)
    This whole new idea of vlogging boggles my mind, but it IS good to be able to see you as a real, living, breathing human being and not just someone living in an ivory tower even if it does have an entrance to the abyss! It made you more real to me; thank you. like most of my fellow comboxers, I am indebted to you for creating B.B. It’s my first site every morning and always seems to be what I need to start the day feeling positive (along with morning meditation and prayer)


    Hey there… I can simpathize with you very much so… If the One your with , married or not… If the ONE you LOVE.. Depend on and NEED {even if your an otherwise very INDEPENDENT STRONG ALWAYS JUST FINE TYPE} If they DO NOT understand, if their brains just don not make it around the INNER BATTLES you have IT makes it Even WORSE/HARDER to FIX this thing that takes COMPLETE control of your MIND… I think the Doll you picked is the RIGHT CHOICE by the way. In other peoples eyes I am the one with all the right advice… The strong one Anyone can lean on….. I am the 1st to ever lend a hand,money or anything else to HELP OUT ANYONE….. However Inside I am Full Of Uncertainty Of My own “issues”.. I at the age of 24 was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar/depression/Extreme Anxiety… How ever When I have tried NUMEROUS times to have the father of my son since he was 8 months old and then shared a daughgter with who is now 18 months old… We have spent Everyday DAMN NEAR for about 4 years now and he Just Does not give me support.. Grant it he Does have some Issues His self that he “doesn’t deal with at all” Acknowledge makes him unavailable to me.. So The only reason I just Babbled off about this is because I read where you said he “wouldn’t be able to sleep” with the doll in the room…I guess my question is what actually made you choose to “vlog” about your Situation? Cudos… Have a Wonderful day. By the way today 9-20-07 I turned 25 and I have been trying to figure out a way to express the things the you have clued me in to for the first time today. Thank you. Emma Nicole

  • Stacy Joslin

    I have not just one inner child, but a number of them because my Dad is an alcoholic so when I was growing up I became stunted at different ages, so I have different ages of children in me. I’m also depressed to, chemically depressed. Actually, I’m Schizo-Affective disorder. I take lots of medicine for it. I’m now going to a therapist once a week, but I havn’t yet told her about the different ages of children in me, at least I don’t think I did. I also believe in the Lord Jesus very much and he is healing me more everyday. I just get into the word everyday which transforms me day by day. (There’s a verse in 2 Corinthians that talks about transformation. The more we behold him the more we get transformed. He wants us to match him that’s why he transforms us. He also wants to build up the church by us prophesing (telling forth the Lord) talking about our experiences of the Lord. Also, in 1 Corinthians it talks about prophsizing builds up the church. Also, there should be only one church in a city, like in the new testament (Church in Ephesus, Church in Colossae, Church in Philippi, Church in Rome, the Church in Antioch.) Thats where I belong, the church in Austin. We have churches like that all over the world. The Lord raised them up, and were one with all christians. Wherever there’s oneness there is life evermore (Psalms 133)That’s it for now.

  • Janette

    I think that you should go to a small (non-Toys-R-Us!) toy store and purchase whatever you want…the one that makes you :-)
    Your heart knows your inner child…no one else, so I won’t select for you. Have fun!

  • tom krepps


  • mkp

    you’re so incredibly brave to expose to the world and talk about what so many are feeling, but would never admit … never forget that.

  • recovering

    Your inner child really needs for you to pick.

  • Judy

    Well, you should pick your own, but for fun…if I was picking my inner child it would probably be a little freaky. It would be whiny, demanding, insecure, and definitely would have bad hair. No Barbie doll types inside of me. Never ever owned one when I was a child so can’t relate to them. Go for the first one even if it keeps your husband awake at night. Maybe you can put a cover over her like you would a parrot. After all, an inner child should be a little difficult to love and should have a lot more character than some mermaid type. Good luck with the inner child selection. Now I have to ponder what mine would look like. Probably Chuckie.

  • David Shelton

    Groucho Marx once answered a woman who ask, “What kind of fool do you thing I am?”, Groucho replied, “Why? Is there more than one kind?” lol
    If we pause, be still, the world around us will give us the answers to what we wish for.
    Where will we be found, if we don’t stop searching? To find a smile, and especially from the inner child:
    1. Remember the childhood birthday parties.
    2. Christmas anticipation and how exciting it was.
    3. Going camping, if only in the back yard, or under the sheets held by the four corners of a bed.
    The inner child has to revisit sometimes and explore the “presnt moment” spontaneity that a child automatically arrives to.
    When we become overly familiar, and imprinted with the mindset of, “Been there, done that.”, we have attached to it. Let the newness arrive with life’s pulse. It drops the load and leaves us open and lighter.

  • Deb

    Hey Therese,
    Kudos to you for being brave enough to go public! My daughter suffers from depression; and at times I seriously fear for her..I have struggled with depression/mania for most of my life and I do know how discouraging it can be when either people don’t take your illness seriously-or they think they have all the answers if only you would LISTEN TO THEM…
    Therese, my thoughts and good wishes go with you. I know what the Black Hole is like; I’ve been there..I’m glad you seem to have people who care enough about you to help pull you out..I would if I knew you well enough..good luck to you.

  • debi eggert

    therese–just wanted to share that i started collecting dolls–mostly rag dolls when i began my deep recovery work–i even made one–without a pattern–a process which i found revealing–it seems to me that you will know the doll that is–just right–because she will “speak” to you–sending loving thoughts your way–debi

  • Wisdum

    Hi Therese,
    sorry I missed most of this week, was aWay on vacation (to escape, if you catch my drift!) but I just had to comment on your vid-blog … it was great! One of the things that released me has been “The Truth shall set you free” (bear in mind that it will also get you abused,tortured and crucified, but when you are set free, you could not care less about any of that !) You are in the process of setting yourself free (and I applaud you for that) Let your inner child (that has been opressed and repressed, that forced you into de-pression) be your outer child … “Come to me as a child” … I know I keep saying this over and over “We are born smart and grow up to be stupid”, but this is where it all goes downhill. We have lost the wonderlust of our childhood, and have fallen prey to what authorized society dictates to us.
    For myself they have never been able to totally hold me down (and they never will) Yeah ! “Pick up you cross and follow Me” and stick it right in their face and laugh at them all … “To be free or not to be free, that is the question” (Billy Shake)…(or something like that !)
    LUV 2 ALL

  • Sunshine

    Hi, Therese:
    I think you already know that the doll for you is the one that came to you when you had been thinking about it. Doll # 1 showed up. She’s also the only girl; Ariel was a teenager, and the barbies are grown up women. Now, I find her clothing rather put-offish, so, how about making her some clothes like the kind you wore as a child? This might connect you more to her. Maybe even a haircut. I don’t know, whatever it takes to make you more comfortable with her.
    My only suggestion for your next vlog would be to have a mirror behind the camera, so that from cut to cut your hair won’t be going through amazing transformations – you know, continuity…..
    Blessings and good luck on your journey.

  • Nancy

    Therese – you are so on the right track with this “vlogging”. The new and improved video indoors where you “came out of disguise” shows more of the lovely you. As to the mirror behind the camera, oh who cares, enough with the “continuity” or contrast or anything. The content and authenticity is what matters, and you are doing what many of us would never take on. As for the “inner child”, my vote goes to freaky(Eric’s description) Little Therese. It’s a no brainer as far as I’m concerned, but then again I’m with one with “Little Miss No Name” on her closet shelf. Now everyone go “google” that doll and see what comes up! The other choices don’t come close; although my husband would probably pick the topless one (my poor husband – how did he come in to all of this!). Anyway, your first instincts were correct, and what’s great, is that regardless of what any of us think, it is your decision, and that in itself makes it the “right one”. So, go for it Therese, you’re doing just fine. Better than fine, and I look forward to seeing you next week, regardless as to the hairstyle, mirror, clothing, setting, etc. It’s you I look forward to seeing and listening to.

  • Wanda

    I commend you for this very brave VBlog!! I,myself wished I had as many supporters as yourself.My daughters never seem to understand why I don’t/can’t work,not only for my head & back injuries but my depression(but MOM you do yard work,hunt and fish,UGH..,I can’t let my life completely stop(can’t ski or ride horses anymore
    :( ) and I need something that will keep me “sane” as I try to tell them and everyone else who doesn’t seem to have a clue!).My husband “puts up with me”, as he says it, when I have “bad days”.I, now have something I can try different than talking to the walls,this computer or my dog thanks to you!. I agree with Nancy…Eric’s description of “Freaky doll” is something I don’t see… your own inner self cuz if I had a coice amongst any of those dolls,she would be the one I wuld have chosen also! Now I am off to find my first inner child doll!! THANK YOU!

  • debbie deforest

    Am at a turning point myself, trying to rebuild the life i should have had in the first place, little girls and their parent’s expectations, death of father at 16. I have found some help with listening to Ron L. Hubbard CD’s on us fitting in to society. But am currently booking a visit to Sedona, AZ to reconnect with our higher power and my purpose in life. I think they will be a great opportunity for anyone dealing with unhappiness and stress. Ask/allow/surrender to your spirit guides. They are waiting to help you. God Bless. Debbie

  • Lynne

    Is it possible for you to put a text next to the video? My computer is also a mute.( don’t know what became of the speakers after our last move) I’m feeling a little left out, but you look great! I may have to learn to read lips otherwise. I do find myself talking to God sometimes about “Whatever became of the Lynne who had some confidence in her abilities. We have to find her again. She was respected by her peers. She was suceeding…she was enjoying life.” I think it was because I had a lot of friends to hang out with. Maybe they were a positive distraction. But I do have many on line friends until I can get to visit them “in the flesh” I’m feeling a little insecure lately. I’ve had a few prayers answered and now I’m afraid it won’t last. There’s always some doubt but I guess I’ll let that make me really appreciate the opportunity I’ve been given. THANK YOU FATHER. Thankyou fellow bloggers!

  • Nancy

    Speakers for the computer can be replaced very inexpensively these days and do not require additional software to be installed to use them. It’s just a plug in to the back of the computer and “mute” no more. It’s a lot simpler than Therese adding the text along with the video.

  • Nancy

    Sedona, AZ is beautiful, breathtakingly lovely, spiritual, unique and so on. However, wherever I go, there I am. I had a wonderful visit to Sedona a number of years ago, and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I hope to make a return visit some day. Fortunately, I did not look to it as a panacea for restored vitality, health, or some unspoken promised of renewed spiritual wholeness that keep me forever on the “beam” of mental wellness and exempt from illnesses, “bad things happening to good people”, or the spiritual emptiness I can find myself in. My expectations were just to relax and take in one of the number of spectacular locations in our country. I have seen people go out there with some preconceived notion that there’s some powerful magic that is waiting for a person to grab on to when they arrive. That connection or feeling of wholeness (which is all too infrequent for me these days) comes about or not, in places and ways that go way beyond a location. Is it not a great break from day to day life in my office and dealing with the mundane and exhaustive realities of living and coping not only with outside circumstances, but myself included? Absolutely. But just as there is no magic pill (I only wish) – there is no magic place. Serenity and peace can occur as I sit here in my office and read Therese’s blogs and readers’ replies. Knowing that I am one among many, I can take solice in that. I can pray and slow down my thoughts here (with the file server humming in the background) and feel at peace. I can put on some beautiful music with only $20.00 little Sony speakers attached to my Ipod and relax. We don’t have to wait for those “big” moments to gain some balance and a feeling of being centered. Thank God for that, as I am currently housebound for the most part these days with another brutal unrelenting illness in the immune disorder category that has brought me to my knees at points these last few years. I’m not saying that my office is the best place for spiritual renewal; I’m not THAT nuts. My point is that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. We can grasp on to what is available to us at hand and together travel on as we are in whatever locations we find ourselves in at the given time to the connectedness and community we share in life, particuarly surviving and sustaining ourselves while living along side of this difficult state of being and illness called “depression”.

  • Capri

    What I interpret he has is inner peace which leads to outer happiness. We will never be happy with anything in life until we accept ourselves. When we give ourselves permission to live beyond boundaries of society in a joyous way, we allow ourselves to live authentically. It takes confidence and freedom. You must learn to let the fear go. U will never experience life and happiness if u reside with fear. The two can not live in the same moment. It takes lots of work to fight society’s chains that bind us, but when we can sing in our cars, dance to any song we choose, laugh at the stupidest things without needing it to make sense, when we say I love me no matter what anyone else feel, you will be closer to having what that smiley face has. He has inner joy. Mine comes from a spiritual understanding that what we see in life is not all there is. I believe in Karma, i believe in love even if it’s loving just me, i believe in miracles, in being silly, reading books while sitting in the floor at Borders, I believe in being free. Spend time with yourself. Journal your emotions, surround yourself with people that see your inner light shining. It’s that light that will show u the path to the smiley face!

  • Anonymous

    When dealing with anxiety you have to find ways to over come your fears with life. And if this is your way of dealing with it so be.
    But don’t forget prayer is the answer to the key of life.
    learn to love yourself first then you can love others.

  • Nancy

    I watched your video and the doll idea is a great one.
    I seen your 5 choices and I think you need to broaden your choices because since your husband can’t stand “freaky Theresa” and the others just seem way to unrealistic for someone to consider as their “inner child”.
    Have you considered a stuffed animal instead? Many children have grown up with some type of favorite stuffed animal and most of the children would talk to that stuffed animal as if it was their best friend and role play etc with them.
    I think it is great your doing video blogging these days along with your writing. Please continue.

  • Marlene

    Dear Therese,
    I think you should choose the blue babe…first because she needs alot of help to get beyond that blue! That’s what your intent is to do personally isn’t it? She need you desparately!! I think you will have fun with her too. Who couldn’t with a doll that looked like that?
    I’d be inclined to agree with your husband on the first doll.

  • Stacey

    After watching your blog about your inner child doll, I think I may start looking for one myself. Someone that I can talk to, cry with, yell at, and comfort when I don’t want to bug my friends and it’s a while till counseling. Thanks for your inspiration! I would have never thought of it.

  • Amy

    I don’t think you are freaky. I have doll, therapist’s reccomendation, and little Amy has helped me remember to be compassionate and patient with myself. The whole act of even choosing her was an act of courage and self love. I reccomend you choose a doll from They are expensive, but you can find one that suits your looks and style. They are also soft to the touch and kind of artsy looking to strangers. Good luck finding little Therese

  • Marianne Wilson

    Dear Therese,
    Another great video blog — vlog, I think you called it — keep it up. I really enjoy seeing you and hearing you: your spirituality and your bravery comes shining through.
    I’m not depressed, so I probably shouldn’t get a vote, but I will humbly suggest “Belle,” maybe because I like her best and she’d be the one I’d choose. Why? Well, please don’t think this is a dumb reason, but in the movie when she goes into the Beast’s castle and discovers the library, she does a little dance and exclaims that she’s practically in heaven! And for me, the bookworm (I’m even in a group that calls itself the Bookworms), heaven truly IS a giant library that I can read to my heart’s content! (Besides all the other wonderful things that it is, of course!)
    Plus she’s beautiful — as are you — and humble — ditto — and brave. Need I say more?

  • D Cootey

    Very fascinating vlog. I’m not sure if any of these dolls are great choices. If you’re willing to pay a little more money, there are very nice collectible dolls out there that might offer better choices for you. You’ll have to drag your husband along. *That* should be fun. Another option is to take a photograph of your face, cut it out, and use it for the head on a paper doll. You could even have some fun with it and make a scared face just for the doll.
    As a father of four daughters I am now immune to Barbie nudity. *MY* father on the other hand is very freaked out by naked Barbies lying around. We try to tidy up before he and my Mum show up anyway. 😉 I still twitch at excessive pinkness, however. Saturday’s birthday party with Barbie and Hello Kitty cupcakes was more than I could handle. I chose not to eat which, judging from my waste size, was an unusual event 😉
    The Splintered Mind – Overcoming Neurological Disabilities With Lots Of Humor And Attitude

  • jackie

    I like your vlog, all the dolls kinda scare me….maybe a stuffed animal would be better….or a soft doll, maybe that way we… could remember to be soft to your inner child
    why do we forget to be kind to ourselves?

  • Robert Rodriguez

    Great vlog, keep up the great work the Lord has lead you to do. I forward this vlog to two prominent Doctors/Professors at this medical college (Drexel University) who teach dual-diagnosis. I believe this vlog will inspire many, bye.

  • Connie

    I recieved an email from beliefnet, and I had to open it and read about depression. And the most interesting topic that got me interested was the topic about the doll.
    My husband and I are going through a very rough time right now, and I can’t seem to comminicate with him at all.
    He turns to a stuff animal and evens sleeps with it. He uses the stuff animal to talk to me. Always saying he hates me by using the stuff animal. What is he “really “trying ” to say to me.
    I have gotten into depression because of all the problems.
    And the most frustrating thing is I don’t understand the significant of having the stuff animal or a doll.
    Can you give me any advice, if possible.
    Need help , THANK YOU

  • dbyrd

    Belle isn’t bad..her hair is mussed and she looks a little overloaded. I one had a great therapist who would have me sit in a chair facing an empty chair (in the empty chair was the ‘Little me’
    I was to assure her I was big and adult and could take care of her and so on…… helped, it was hard…she had never been taken care of before except by her invisible playmate as a child. Even as an adult never completely understood daily I strive to let what I call ‘my personalities’ (just different phases of me really) to communicate. I accept that some of them won’t and after a miscarriage I bought a Teddy Bear…a great Boyds Bear soft Friend over a foot tall. He is always there for me to hug at night (DH although loving is not a cuddler) I named him my husbands middle name, Earle. We call him Earl-y because the miscarriage was a baby too early. I had two of them. Then a preemie by 8wks. 3lbs……..Whew,did that name ever fit my bear. Now at two and healthy my son calls stuffed teddies Earl-y.
    So I don’t think what you have to connect to your inner child matters, as long as it feels right for you.

  • Dovely

    Therese, this is something I have been doing for the last month. Connecting with my inner child although I do it internally. I sit quietly and imagine myself in a forest with a clearing. I hear birds, smell pine etc. I talk to the little girl in me and wait for her to come out in the clearing. Were suppose to notice what she is wearing or sometimes they don’t come in human form at all. Some people think this odd and you have to be creative to do this but it works for me.
    At first my inner child was hiding behind bushes not wanting to be seen. The adult me told her she was safe and of course she bantered back, “No I’m not, You don’t take care of me.” Eeeep she was right! I don’t have multiple personalities and I’m not saying that is a bad thing but this is a technique that some therapists use to help us get in touch with ourselves.
    My inner child at times has so much to say that is dead on right that I tend to not visit her in the forest as often as I need to. It’s the adult the wise adult that I need to learn to visit too….my higher self or rather like you say…Your angel Anna? I don’t know how you know that you have an angel..I’ve longed to talk to you about this because even though I’ve had a rich spiritual life I’m not so sure there is someone guiding and gaurding me let alone their name. Can you send Anne to my gaurdian angel and tell her to start revealing herself to
    On the note of the dolls only you can feel within you which one is right for you, your inner child will let you know. For me I started with cabbage patch dolls. I have a dozen of them here. My inner child told me that I needed to be hugged more unconditionally and I suddenly found myself buying up doll clothes and cabbage patch dolls like an 8 year old at Christmas. The vintage ones have lost their powder smell it’s infused into their large vinyl heads. My husband thought I was wacky but I went through that phase and don’t need them as much anymore althought I still have a few favs. I’d be happy to send you one of my dolls, some are vintage some are new and their faces truly remind you of a child. Some of their hair is yarn and some feels like real human hair, you can brush it and style it lol. I have too many and I’d love to give you something for all the help you have given me but if not I pray you find the what is right for you…you are so full of wisdom I know you’ll make the right choice.
    Blessings and Love…Dove

  • Barbara Paxton

    I like Terese! She looks used, but savable. I am so happy I found your vlog, it is helping me. Thank You, Barbara Paxton

  • Jill

    Dolls with big eyes like “Freaky Therese” has scare me a bit lol. Thanks for sharing this post! :)

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