Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Walking Away from Toxic Relationships

posted by Beyond Blue

I know I’ve been excerpting Howard Halpern a lot on the topic of dysfunctional relationships. If you need a new voice, check out Paula White’s article, “Walking Away from Toxic Relationships,” by clicking here.

It begins:

When God wants to bless you, how does He do it? He sends people into your life. When the devil wants to destroy you, how does He do it? He sends people!
There are several types of relationships that are liabilities, not assets. If you are going to develop healthy relationships, you first must cut off the unhealthy ones you have developed. How can you tell if a relationship is toxic?
First, there will be constant strife and division. Amos 3:3 asks us, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” A healthy relationship is one in which there is a oneness of goals, purpose, values, and beliefs. God’s Word also says, “Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there” (James 3:16).



  • oceangirl1

    I appreciated those two verses (from Amos and James.) The one in Amos especially speaks to me. In my situation, my husband does not share the same goals as I for marriage and family. Basically, we do not agree on anything. Often, I give in or compromise to keep the peace and to “choose my battles.” However, if something comes along that I simply cannot agree with – WWIII breaks out. We disagree mostly on money and parenting issues. I feel as if I have always been a single parent because my first husband was an alcoholic and didn’t care what went on with the kids and then I was single for 7 years. I do appreciate my husband’s help with parenting my kids, but when I disagree – I feel he should step aside and let me take care of things. My view on money is practically the same – I have always had to manage it to give my kids anything (Husband #1 drank it all; the single years were “rob Peter to pay Paul,” Husband #2 thinks nothing of spending $15 in a convenience store for junk food.) I find it next to impossible to trust anyone else with money control! I am beginning to realize that I am not really suited for partnership/shared control, but I desperately want to make it work, mainly because I feel divorce is not God’s plan for anyone. If the problem is mostly me, who am I to commit the sin of divorce and thereby, hurt others in the process of selfishly getting my “freedom” back?

  • T LOUISE TRALL-MAIERS

    I CAN DEFINITELY RELATE TO THIS. I GOT PREGNANT WHEN I WAS 20 AND WAS VERY LONELY. THE FIRST GUY I MET I LET MOVE IN AND ENDED UP MARRYING HIM. HE LIED TO ME ABOUT ALOT OF THINGS AND ONE WAS THAT HE WAS IN PRISON AND THE INMATES USED HIM SEXUALLY. HE ENDED UP MOLESTING MY SON FOR YEARS AND I WAS TOTALLY UNAWARE OF ANY OF IT. THE ONE THING THAT I DO REMEMBER IS THAT MY SON NEVER WANTED TO BE ALONE WITH HIM. THAT SHOULD HAVE PUT UP A WARNING SIGN, BUT BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW THE INFO ON HIM BEING IN PRISON IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME UNTIL I LEFT HIM AFTER BEING TOGETHER ONE AND A HALF YEARS. A MONTH AFTER I LEFT I FOUND OUT THAT MY SON THREE AT THE TIME ALMOST 4 WAS MOLESTED BY HIM. I WAS SO MAD AT MYSELF, BUT TO THIS DAY MY SON HAS NOT TOLD ME THE DETAILS. THE ONLY REASON I KNOW THE DETAILS IS BECAUSE I GOT A HOLD OF THE POLICE REPORT AND THE PROTECTIVE SERVICE REPORT. WE WENT TO COURT AND THESE PEOPLE PROMISED MY SON THAT HE WOULD NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS HAPPENING TO HIM OR ANYONE ELSE AGAIN. WHEN THE DISTRICT JUDGE PLED THAT HE WAS GUILTY AND IT WAS MOVED TO A TRIAL. SOME WHERE ALONG THE LINE HE BECAME A NARC FOR THE COUNTY. SO BASICALLY HE NEVER WENT TO JAIL OR PRISON FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON. MY SON IS NOW 19 ALMOST 20 AND HAS NIGHTMARES TO THIS DAY. HE WANTS JUSTICE DONE AND THAT SCARES ME BECAUSE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE YEARS AGO.
    I WAS FRIENDS WITH #2 FOR ALMOST A YEAR BEFORE WE BECAME INVOLVED. EVERYTHING THAT HE EVER TOLD ME WAS A LIE. THE DAILY DRINKING AND DRUGS SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, I KNOW BETTER THAN THAT, BUT I FELL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH HIM. I NEVER KNEW WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO GET A BLACK EYE UNTIL THIS MAN. (IF YOU CAN CALL HIM A MAN). IT TOOK ME YEARS TO GET OUT FROM UNDER HIS CONTROL. I TURNED AWAY FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY, BECAUSE HE CONVINCED ME THAT EVERYONE HATED ME. I WAS ALWAYS A SIZE 7 BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER. WITHIN A YEAR WITH HIM I WAS UP TO A SIZE 14. THEN I GOT SICK AND FOR THREE YEARS I WENT FROM BED TO COUCH. I WENT UP EVEN HIGHER TO A SIZE 24. I HATED MYSELF I HAD NO CONFIDENCE. I LET HIM CONVINCE ME THAT I WAS HAVING AFFAIRS ON HIM EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IN MY TRUE HEART OF HEARTS THAT I WAS NOT. HE STARTED ABUSING THE CHILDREN IN FRONT OF ME AND IT STILL TOOK ME SOME TIME TO REALIZE THAT HE ONLY LOVED HIMSELF. IF IT WAS NOT FOR MY CHILDREN TAKING CARE OF ME WHEN I WAS SICK NOONE WOULD HAVE. BECAUSE HE SURELY DIDNOT. I KICKED HIM OUT ALMOST A YEAR AGO. I AM BROKE AS HELL, BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY EVERYTIME I GET UP IF IT IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY OR BAD. I DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT TO AVOID FIGHTS. I DO NOT GET RIDICULED IN FRONT OF THE KIDS ANYMORE. AND I AM DRUG FREE FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS. I THINK THAT I GOT STARTED BECAUSE OF HIM AND CONTINUED BECAUSE THEY HELPED ME SURVIVE. BUT I ENDED UP DOING THINGS I WOULD NEVER DREAM OF DOING FOR HIM AND I USED TO HATE MY SELF, BUT THE LORD HAS FORGIVEN ME AND SO DID I HAVE TO FORGIVE MYSELF.
    BUT, HE TAUGHT MY MIDDLE CHILD, WHICH IS MY OLDEST DAUGHTER, TO LIE AND THAT MONEY IS ALL THAT MATTERS. SHE WILL DO ALMOST ANYTHING IF SHE THINKS THAT SHE IS GOING TO GET SOMETHING FOR IT. RIGHT NOW SHE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE JUST LIKE HUSBAND #2 AND IT SCARES ME TO DEATH. BUT SHE WON’T LISTEN, NOW I KNOW WHAT MY OWN MOTHER WENT THROUGH FOR YEARS. IT BREAKS YOUR HEART TO WATCH YOUR OWN CHILD BE ABUSED IN ALL KINDS OF WAYS. BUT WHEN THEY WON’T LISTEN ALL YOU CAN DO IS PRAY AND THAT SOMEDAY THEY WILL REALIZE THE RELATIONSHIP IS EVIL.
    PRAYING AND THE GOOD LORD HAVE MADE ME REALIZE THAT THE RELATIONSHIPS I WAS IN WERE VERY EVIL IN ALL WAYS AND THAT IS NOT WHAT GOD WANTS FOR ME OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER

  • Anonymous

    I have this long time friend who abt. 1 yr. ago wanted to take care of me and my son, I was so involved with my schooling and not sure what I wanted to do at the time. Shortly after leaving town to finish my 2nd year of school, he married this woman who is very toxic with her medication and he is not very happy in his relationship. I have since graduated and will finish certification in August of this year and what to return to the village which I left. I have very deep feeling for this man and think he only married as not to be lonely! But now she is grabbing hold of him and I feel the need to step in, when I see something wrong I feel the need to say something. So this is what I am going to do, speak my mind and leave the rest in god’s hand, that he guides me in the right direction

  • aishah striggles

    sometimes we can become so needy we draw to us people just like we are.no who you are ,become your own friend. be good to you self.try beingin with positive people. stop letting others think for you. take control of your life. lend a helping hand to someone. stop feeling sorry for yourself. help a child show some love.

  • Jane

    thank you aishah for the advice – it’s the best advice – especially “stop letting others think for you. and take control of your life.” I’ve recently had to do that and I hope it can save my marriage – if not I’m sure it will find my own peace. My husband can be very cruel and critical but he feels bad about himself – and i bend over backwards trying to avoid his nasty comments instead of standing up to them – of course he never agrees he is being mean with his demeaning sarcastic comments – now after 25 years of marriage I’ve had enough. Thank you for the helpful comments.

  • Someone

    You know, when people push your buttons after so long, it is my fault for LETTING them do so. Why? Because I have choices! I do not have to subject myself to being demeaned, embarrassed, or having my past thrown in my face after I have worked my butt off for 5 years to change my life around.I have thought about a particular “friend” and the disrespect. Do I have any other friends that bring me down like gravity? No…..Do I even have any aquaintances that treat me that way? No….
    The thing is, just because we change, does not mean that anyone else will. So, here is your life….misery is optional. I had to re-learn that again. Feelin’ better now. It still sucks to have to be reminded of it again though. I will keep on growing and praying for the other one.

  • Donna Orsino

    I just found this website and LOVE it. I have been married for 6 years to a man I met on a Christian Dating website. Everything he told me was a lie. Even how many times he was married. I had to find out one day from his daughter how he has lied and how he treated her mother when they were married. She told me because she did not like to hear the way he treated me!! I was abandoned twice by him and still forgave him after his instance and appoligies…even told me that he attended a marriage counsel seminar!! I cannot continue to live with him, but I am not working now and have no way to support myself, although I am about to file a claim for SSI Disability for a whole list of things that are wrong with me. I guess I am fearful…and of all things I feel sorry for him!! But, I know that I will not be a peace until we are apart. I have asked him in the past to leave and he refuses, as if he has some kind of stake in being with me, becuase our house is my parent’s and is my inheritance. He has done a lot of work in the back yard and I just know that he will throw that up in court and take me for a ride financially. I’m just so confused. I really need prayer and am so happy I found this site. Thanks.

  • Rose

    I am currently living away from my emotionally abusive husband. My second one. My first was no different. I gre up in an abusive, and dysfunctional family. I thank God daily for delivering me from drugs. I also thank him for my son, who made it possible for me to leave this husband. I try not to feel sorry for myself. I will file for divorce. I live far away from him. The distance, and the time away helped me to realize that I did not deserve the abuse. He is a crack-addict. God delivered me fifteen years ago from drugs. I felt like if I did not get away from him that I would start using again. I am truly blessed. Sometimes I wonder what put us together, then I think about it, I knew early on that he was using drugs, but I am the rescuer, I can make him quit. If anyone out there is in a relationship that their partner is currently using LEAVE!!!!. It won’t get better. That person can only stop, or seek help because they are tired. I remember years ago asking God to please let me die, or deliver me from drugs. It was rough at first, but I let go, and let God. I will not let anyone take me back

  • Lisa Mcalphin

    For the past two days, I have been seriously contemplating my role hear on earth. I am not quite sure what the answer is, but I know what the answer is not. It is not for me to be miserable in a relationship that is completely unbalanced, insincere, and lacking spiritual guidance. For the past year and a half, I have loved this individual because he was very good to me, hard-working,generous, and considerate. I felt very comfortable with him and my family and friends loved him. That was until I received the call from the wife.(Who I knew nothing of. I was deceived, devastated, and distraught. I felt used and like the blind fool.To shorten things up, He apologized and agonized over how sorry he was, and because I still had not worked through my own personal feelings, I fell back into the “ditch of deceit”. I know this relationship is very toxic and draining on the psyche, and I know physically, spitiually, and mentally that it is time to completely end it. I am proud to say that today is the first day of my leaving the relationship, and I will leave the rest to my father. I am strong, I am a survivor, and I am a child of God. For all who read this, don’t beat yourself up for repeating the same mistakes, sometimes it’s necessary to make you a stronger individual. Put your best foot forward to make positive changes, and God will do the rest. Good luck on your new healthy relationships!!!!

  • Dee

    Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, it makes me feel not so alone with my own. I divorced my husband, who was emotionally abusive and I have been living on my own with my children for four years. I dated a man for 2 years off and on, but he was deceivingly nice. Everyone who met him, said he was soo nice! But, as one friend said, there is such a thing as too nice! He has a lot of women friends and will take them for dinner, buy birthday gifts, go on hikes with them, etc. He couldn’t believe I couldn’t accept the fact that they were just friends, who happened to be women. I wanted to accept that, but everytime we would get closer, he would suddenly have to accept an invitation to go visit one of them or spend time with them. He even went hiking with his ex-girlfriend alone, because her husband had injured himself. He wanted us to get married and have a baby, but I could just picture myself, home taking care of the baby while he was out with “his friends”. It’s those situations that seem justifiable, but if they leave you with a funny feeling, listen to that feeling. I did and said good-bye for good and now I hope I can attract the right person into my life for the right reasons.

  • former sexy mom

    I’ve been debating on leaving my husband of 13 months. We dated a year and a half before we married, and I was having second thoughts the day we said “I do.” I am sad to say that I thought that things would get better after we were living under one roof. I have three children (ages 21, 17, & 10), my oldest daughter moved home from a university and began attending the community college close to us so that my 17 y/o son could finish his senior year of high school at the same school he had attended his whole life, while I moved 2 hours away to live with my 10 y/o daughter and new husband. I had never spent more than a week away from my kids their entire life! That was very difficult for me. I came back home almost every weekend to visit and talked to them daily on the phone or on the internet. After being married only 3 months my mother, whom I’d been helping to care for, passed away. I have been dealing with all of these changes in my life fairly well, although the longer I have lived with my new husband the more I find that I don’t even like him. So many things that he told me before marriage I have found to not be quite the truth. He had never been married before and only had a few serious relationships. He had never really dated women who had children, much less had sex with one. He pays more attention to his dog and cat than he does me. That should have given me a big clue in the beginning. He is not physically abusive, he doesn’t even like confrintation! He drinks 6+ beers or 2+ mixed drinks daily. I feel as attractive as a moose! I have gained 50+ pounds since we’ve been married and my eating habits haven’t even changed that much! I have always been attractive and still receive compliments now. I read the book “The Five Love Languages” and my love needs are “Words of Affirmation” and “Physical Touch” which he doesn’t do either for me. We’ve tried counseling and he made me sound like sex was all that I wanted and that I’ve just had a lot to deal with over the past year and that he was not to blame! I’m sorry to just go on and on and on, but I’m going crazy here! He is handsome, hardworking, kind and very good to my kids. But, he is a terrible lover (the worst I’ve ever had), very self-centered, unwilling to communicate and most of the time comes to bed with unbrushed teeth and unwashed hands (which is a major turn-off for me) I have been so nice and tried to explain these issues with him, he acts like I’m crazy for being so picky. Although he has a fit if I leave dishes in the sink or clothes in the dryer. Any suggestions?

  • shalanda

    It is unreal or great that I have been introspecting about the same topic. I have watched and heard off my mother’s involvement in domestic violence relationship all her life to present. The worse case is present infidelity, physical abuse, child abuse etc. I was trying to get to why she is at this point. so I am studying my grandmother you know grandparents get to reinvent themselves becoming the perfect. My mother life appears to have been one where she is always trying to get the elusive love (her mother, and father)etc. She then recreated the situation for me put me on the threadmill to try to achieve love, and the more difficult the quest the more loving you believe you are. I loved the same man( with different names and faces) over and over elusive, taker with domestic violence tendencies. I have been stalked, had my computer hacked into to name a few. Generally being used. Part of you wants to get so angry and does at time, but at the end of the day I am learning the most powerful words are no… no thank you, but my favorite and one of my counselor’s as well are ” get well or get loss.” I thank God for keeping me.

  • Susie Mc

    Thank GOD for this web-site!
    Toxic relationship? Whow where to start! I pretty much knew what I was getting myself into BUT…He was having a despert moment when he though he was loosing me (of coarse to someone else) and poored on the charm, complements, back messages, THE WORKS! Ask me to marry him??
    I laughed and said “Are you CRAZEY”….. This went on for about a month and finally I caved! WE WHERE EVEN BAPTISED IN THE SAME WATER a week before the ceremony. I knew him for almost 7 years proir, lived together for most of that time, He is a couch sleeper so closeness and compainionship in that department was always staged.
    Now that we have been married as GOD as our witness…..He has told me that he prays to GOD everyday to take his life….He wants to DIE!! Hates is LIFE… I know this is a toxic realationship….How long shall I wait to bail…I just dont know what to do besides PRAY!

  • Myra

    Thank God for a web site that I can come to and relate to some of the same situations. They always say don’t think that you are the only one with problems because some one else has bigger problems than you. But Lord knows what I’m going throuogh I would not wish it on my worses enemy.I’m in a relationship that i no longer wants and he want leave.I met this guy through my cousin.He painted the perfect picture of a man until I let him into my life.Since day 10 it’s has been nothing but a nightmare.He’s a crack head for one. He want keep no job and he blames me for everything.I tried helping him,but once again you can’t help no one who want help theirself.I’m a single struggling mom of three.And I’m tired of my kids watching this man ruin my life.The law here in SC is crazy.I’ll be dead and gone before they put him out my house.

  • Anonymous

    when ur in luv by ur self ther is nothing fun about it . u luv him harder each day and get nothung in return . he tells u he luv s u but doesn t come home . pays all the bills . luvs u when he s there . what , what do u do ? we break up . and before long we r back together is this luv or force of habit ? i know how i feel , but he never seems to have any thing to say . if he did not luv me he would not pay the bills . i moved here because i wanted to be with him . now he could care less .

  • lisa

    i am in a situation, where i am very seriously considering leaving my husband of 17 years.i am a plus size woman, he dated me starting 1985,asize 22, he got engaged to me plus size and married me plus sized. three in a half years ago, we took in what we both thought was a friend, the guy while i was out working, starting my husband thinking having a “fat wife” is something bad or taboo. he has become verbally abusive ,mentally and at certain types even phiscally abusive. even threatened to throw me out if i did not lose weight.he is also blaming me for all the money problems when he and his friends caused them, by moving in and out of our home many,many times, they ran up all our bills, ate all our food and started fights between us. they even got me accussed of sleeping with my coworkers.the other part of the money problems are his i wants, like video games, swords from budkworldwide and buying stuff for his friends. when i would try to tell him we cannot afford to do these things, he bites my head off and accusses me of not lettting him have anything orbeing selfish or trying to take his friends away. but when i cannot pay a bill, like our gas getting shut off, he gets mad at me and is mean to me.i do not have driverslicense, he rubs that in my face, i work at a fastfood place, he cuts that to pieces too.He loves me when i do what he wants, but the minute something goes wrong or not his way, he gets nasty.he is also mad because he doesnot having a riding lawnmower, our money is tight, i has tried,he blames me all the time for that.HE spends the money alot of times before i can even pay the bills. he will not listen at all. He has the attitude of IWANTIT ANDI WANT NOW.I am ready to give up.I hate even going home from workbecause of this man.i hate even admitting this about my own husband.ido not like to feel like this, always walking on eggshell around him.He accusses me of not caring about him because i cannot get him riding lawnmower, it is hard to even speak to him, i am afraid to talk to my own husband, i really feel totally alone.Theres part of me that still loves him, but i donot know how much longer I CAN LIVE LIKE THIS.it really hurtsme.Nothing i do ever pleases him, it is like he looks for an excuse to harass me every day. He about a month ago, had to fall out with two friends who stole from us, he has been taking it out on me and another friend we had parting the ways with gave me a letter wanting talk things over, he got even worse, he took that out on me,too.I can not win. I am 45 and he is going tobe 51 , I cannot live like this anymore. He is mean,possive and controlling. I only have this place to tell anyone about this. thank you for hearing me out in my time of need. lisa

  • former sexy mom

    You are not alone! I don’t know why people treat people they love so terriably. I will pray for your situation and you pray for me. God Bless us both! : )

  • rosemene

    Don’t think that it’s about your size,”lisa” and “former sexy mon”.Some men are just evil.No matter how much you weigh or how much you do for them and love them some are not men enough to respect themselves first and then respect their women.I am not a plus size woman but I can tell you that I went through the same problems with my ex-boyfriend of a few years.He had to control everything from money to who I could talk to.I had no friends to talk to and my family live in another state.We moved to Michigan from New york and right after we moved he became a totally different person.First time he slapped me was after a party at his friend’s house, he said that his friend was paying too much attention to me and was neglecting the other guests.What was that host doing? he was just showing me his family photo album while his wife was sitting with us in the living room.From then the abuse continued, verbal, emotional, psychological,physical. He would make comments like I have a flat ass and that i am not so attractive,that a man should have to get to know me first before he would get attracted to me, but not to my physical appearance.All he was doing was messing up my self-esteem.He didn’t get to do that.I would go out and I would see other men stare at me, I know I am attractive.He would really get upset if someone would look at me.I remember one incident where he wanted to confront a guy because he was looking at me.All I have to tell you is to love yourself enough and know that these men’s behavior has nothing to do with who you are or how you look.Keep your spirits up.You can lose the weight if you want no matter how hard it can be sometimes.lose it for yourself.If you are ok with the way you look. it’s fine. But don’t think that changing your appearance could change these evil guys.There is somebody out there who could love you just for who you are.

  • gali

    Thank you for toxic relations! I read it everytime I think and miss my ex-boyfriend who the only thing he has given me the whole time we dated is bad feelings, hurt and feeling miserable. I am a giver and a nice person and showed him how much I loved him many times. He showed very much interest in me only when he wanted to have sex and at the beginning I really didn’t think about it thinking that he was really in love…after few months nothing changed and the last thing and what gave me strenght to end up for good was when I invited him for dinner (prepared dinner from scratch, desert, wine and candles) after a long day of working and him knowing about this he never called or showed up. God has helped me to understand that he was a liability and not an asset for me…and I will wait alone for the best asset I can have. Thank you again.

  • michelle

    I just found this site and after reading it;s helping me make a very hard desicion on leaving a four year toxico relationship,The one am leaving has two teenage girls living in his house and he says there just “friends” Am confused but I have there more going on but what really gets me is I used to the with him and my parents gave me everything there using and he kicked me out after he called me a fat bi*** I did the my phone at him I’m not sure how to deal with all this praying to god to guide my steps cause he”ll let me stat there but he get’s to go to partys while I sit at his house,I did tell him I’ve had enough but part of me think maybe I”m wrong, Thank you

  • Theresa

    I just ended a relationship with a married man whom I was addictive to. I said “Just slip the key under the door. I was definately addicted to him. Yes, he is married. What took me so long to wake up?

  • Renee

    I can’t believe I found this site! Toxic relationship is exactly what I’m in and don’t really know how to get out! I have been with this man for 6 years now and for the last two is has been teribble. He is very verbally and mentally abusive to me and everytime I forgive him. He has never been physically abusive to me until just yesterday. When he slapped me three times in the face and rubbed fish in my face (which I am highly addicted to). I ended up in the hospital with an IV and drugs being pumped in me. They called the cops because they felt what he did was life threatning and even after everything they said to me I still couldn’t bring myself to press charges. I feel like I just can’t live without him, even though I know I have to get away from him. I just need some help and advice on how to do it. I truelly feel like I am addicted to him and I just can’t fight my addiction! Please if anyone out there can give me any type of advice my ears are wide open!!!!

  • lani

    hey, renee… it’s truly not your fault by not leaving this guy that you love and care for but, the controlling and abuse has got to stop! And the only way it can stop is, it has to start by you, the abusee. You weren’t put on this earth to be slapped. And by golly, Renee, if he can slap you, I don’t think you wanna imagine the worse now… do you? You deserve more than you’re giving yourself credit for. Why settle for someone who hits on you? Oh, and by the way, he obviously has little self esteem for himself to hit you. Try throwing him in Iraq and let’s see what he’ll do then… N O T H I N G!! of course, ’cause he’s a W U S S!!!! So smile girl and get a grip and move on with your beautiful life. Remember, you wanna feel good inside? Pray to God, he’s listening.
    Take care of you… you
    lani and smile

  • Vi

    I have been married to this man for 6 years off and on I married him 3 times. He calls me such bad names. No one has ever talkd to me ths way. He is always drunk and hs not worked for over a year.Yes I am the one buying the beer for him .Iwas widow and lossome for som one o be with. I did not wan To be aone. Solast night I tld him Ihd bought my last beer. And then it started again. He has left again. Which h has done man a time, This time I pray he wil stay out of mylife for ever.
    I havea nice home a motor home a nice boat live on a lake. Just want some onein my life to share this with. I do belive after all this I do hate him no love him. Plase help by praying forme that never let him come back.
    Thank YOu

  • Ivonne

    I have been alone for a long time. Came from an abused home….yet I seeked an education and I am designer in NYC and make a good living. I finally met the man I thought was my soul mate. I am 47 and he will be 50 soon. Even though we have been together for 7mths It was passionate, loving and we had so much in common. He broke up w/me afy=ter dating 1 month. I took him back. He broke uo w/me several times in the past 7 months.
    He does not want me to talk about my job. I am suffering a great deal w/this business but I figured he was right. Then, my mom has terminal cancer…but again it was understood not to talk about it…in other words anything that is sad and depressing is off limits. I do yearn for a family.., after we broke up he still called me to invite me to meet his family. I enjoyed them and the BBQ so much..I liked many of his family members…2 wks later he goes off the handle and tells me I over stepped my boundaries “HE WAS YELLING” this is my family not yours !!! Why do you need to send my mother a thank you card you need to thank me !!!!You are a wet rag…you are depressing and I don’t need it. This is how it’s pretty much been for at least 5 months.Yet, I am crying so much and waiting for him again..he said he needed space yet didn’t tell me if we were on or not. He dropped all of my things that I had at his house…he said he needs space. I kept thinking he’s had 2 very hard marriages in the past…so I believed in him. I pray everyday. It just hurts so much…

  • Soozeeq

    Here is a poem for all you women out there in “Toxic” relationships, print this out and read and re-read it until you memorize it!
    IF A MAN WANTS YOU
    If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from
    Heartache.
    Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t ‘be friends.’
    A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
    Don’t settle.
    If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think ‘it will get better.’ You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
    The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
    Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
    You cannot change a man’s behavior.
    Change comes from within.
    Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
    Never let a man define who you are.
    Never borrow someone else’s man.
    Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
    A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs.
    You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two-way street.
    You need time to heal between relationships……….there is nothing cute about baggage… deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
    You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
    Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
    Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
    Share this with other ladies….. You’ll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices and another woman PREPARE.
    They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
    An hour to appreciate them,
    A day to love them
    And an entire lifetime to forget them….

  • Kat

    AMEN!

  • Shane

    If you are in a relationship where your partner or spouse threatens you, coerces you to do things you do not want to do, belittles you in any way, tries to separate you from your family or friends, is jealous of you or your relationships outside your relationship with him or her then you need to immediately break off from this person! I am in the process of divorcing a man with whom I spent 24 years in a bad relationship that went from bad to worse and ended up with him attacking me and trying to murder me with a knife! It is only through the grace of God that I survived! Bad men do not get better, they do not change. Look for a kind, loving man who loves the Lord and he will bring you joy. If you can not find one then live alone and find the joy in your own heart.

  • Robin-Lynn

    My lessons on this came earlier this year, I have a habit of making friend that are always in need, love drama, Abuse every vehicle you send their way.
    I’m the type of person that doesn’t mind helping someone as long as their trying to help themselves!
    This past year I finally seperated myself from two friends I’d known for years, I finally realized they were bringing me down, mentally, physically, and financially!
    It has been a few months now and I feel so much lighter mentally, physically and it feels good to have extra money every month.
    Sometimes it not just partners we need to seperate ourselves from but people we have as friends!!
    I have a saying I swear by: The people in your life are like a sideview mirror, They may not be as close as they appear.
    Sometimes we need to put closure on many everyday obstacles and ridding of people who use you for a free ride, and abuse the vehicle of help is a good start!
    There isn’t any reason for anyone to treat another individual in any abusive manner. Abuse doesn’t always have to be in the form of striking one it can be puting everyday burdens on one another, abusing the help one has given and then not put it to good use, and thinking one can come back for money,
    A place to stay only to go back and allow the old way of life to shape again ect.
    I could go on and on, but I think everyone got the picture in living color.
    Thanks for reading & God -Bless!

  • rita

    i have never been able to keep a man long. when i though god gave me one he died. but he was also with a lot of problems. so later god send me another one and this one is fat lazey and dont think in need much. well i mean like helping me maybe pay a bill or two or just bring something when he comes too visted,at first he did, but now i ask he counts his money.he thinks he should be pleased all the time some times i want to me please to,not only sex wise,real bonding you know.i want a real pal.thats all someone who cares about me also.and can just see my needs and enjoy me too. not to make me feel bad about any thing i do.i hate bing judged on opening my mouth and asking for any thing

  • Classy Lady

    I am a woman that have been with my husband for nine years,married six of the nine years. I am not happy. I have lived trying to make this marriage work. I have given up friends, family and church for this marriage. I have kids five kids from previous relationships and one child from my husband. I had to open my eyes and be true to myself and ask myself why did I get married when everything in me told me this wasn’t the thing to do at the time. I discovered that the real reason why I got married was because I was pregnant with my sixth child and was not with any of the children’s father. I didn’t want to go through it again alone. I liked him enough to try and make things work. I loved him for who he is. I don’t like who I’ve become. I feel lonely more than ever. I feel like I have loss me. My children have become unfocused and distant. I have been through so much trying to discover me. I couldn’t understand why I kept making the same mistake with men.None of my relationships lasted more than two years and that was on and off the whole two years. My husband is the only man that I have been with this long. I met a beautiful man ten years ago. He loved me unconditional. He didn’t judge me because of my past. When I met this man I had four children at the time. They adored him and never forgot him. Several times over the years they mention him and talk about times he spent with them. I ran from this man because I felt inadequate to him. He was more focused in his life than me. I felt that he would leave me at some point. I left the relationship in fear of rejection. I have thought about him many times over the years. A friend of mine recently contacted me and told me she saw him and he asked about me and the kids. I was flabbergasted. She told me that she believed that he was still in love with me even though he is now married. Coincidently he married his wife the same year I married my husband. He and his wife is currently separated but is seeking counseling. Things in my marriage is getting worse. He and I can’t seem to agree on anything. I feel like I am suffocating. I have given all I can and more to this marriage and its still not working out. I have not worked in six years( his choosing), and in debt.When I met this guy ten years ago,my mother passed had just passed in 1997 due to rare breast cancer. He helped me to deal with her passing, an angel sent from God( I know that now).Two of my kids father passed in 2007 due to colon cancer(he was also a good friend). I have not dealt with his passing, yet. My husband belief is that no wife of his should be mourning the passing of another man I was once in a relationship with. I say all of this to say that my eyes are now open and I feel like the selfish one. I married my husband hoping I can make this relationship work. Thinking that I can be the wife he desires and in return he would be the man to save me from myself. Nine years later I have lost me. Now what do I do? I want to end the marriage but don’t know how to tell my husband. I don’t want him to blame himself. I now know that its me. I have no money and nowhere to stay. I feel like I have no other choice but stay in this marriage. I made this mess for myself. Red flags were up from the time I dated my husband and I chose to ignore it thinking I have to do whats best for the kids.I thought they needed a stable home with a father. I didn’t want them to make the same mistakes I did. I thought getting married was making me an honest woman and people would not look at me as someone that keeps having kids with different men. I was tired of being looked at as easy or loose. I just got caught up looking for unconditional love. Then when God sends him I get scared and run from the relationship. I now know that I don’t need a man to validate me or make me pure. Now I need to figure out how to make things right in my life. I need to rediscover me. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to clean up my life and get on track(for my kids sake). I want peace. I fulfillment in my life. I want to be a good role model for my children. Thanks everyone for listening to me. I needed to express this verbally. I don’t have anyone else to talk to.

  • Louise Gibson

    I was married to a wonderful man for 20 years, until he started traveling for his company & in the process got a promotion, turned 40 around the same time. The man i loved for 20+ years turned into someone i did not know anymore & started treating me like dirt. Found out later that when he was traveling, he was talking to other women & telling them he was getting a divorce, never saying a word to me about it. He did leave me & our 14 year old son for a 24 year old Korean girl, who left him for someone else later. So, he settled for another Korean, but he never divorced me, he bought a townhouse 4 miles from me. he turned into an alcoholic & had Diabetes, he died at age 53 with complications to both diseases he had, he thinks he died alone, but me & our son were with him all 16 days he was in an induced coma. He treated me bad when he left, but still married to him for 33 years when he died, i got everything he owned.Townhouse, 93 Chev Blazer & a Boat & 270k in the bank. I am alone with my 2 dogs & my son loves me, I enjoy my life & my friends without a man in my life. I did have 2 male friends, but neither was smart enough for me to change the way they wanted me to. Me & my 2 dogs travel when we want to in my motorhome & enjoy it. I may be alone, but, I’m never lonely. I’m also 66 & still work 2 jobs because i want to, it keeps me healthy & also young.

  • Judy

    Good for you for getting away ALIVE from your toxic marriage partner. I have even better advise for you and that is: Quite entertaining the prospects of finding and having a wonderful, loving future relationship with any MAN Period!! You’ve already been there and done that, right? Why be trusting… and vulnerable, and put yourself into yet another possible abusive situation? Be SMART, stay sane, and remain single! Who needs them anyway?

  • Veronika

    Whew! Boy can I relate to a bit of everything written here. I left an abusive man last May…one I had been with for over 5 yr. I am filled with gratitude about my freedom when I think about what I used to put up with. He is addicted to porn, and cannot function as a “normal” man. From everything I have read about psychological dysfunction I can only come to the conclusion he has one or more personality disorders.Deep down I knew he would never change, so I moved on.
    Since being on my own again (at 48) I have realized that growing up with alcoholic/suicidal mom probably “trained me” to beg for love and approval. Growing up I was invisible, so I chose men who also made me feel invisible. I’ve had friends who have done the same thing. Now, I’m feeling exhausted from a boss that runs me ragged. I’m making plans to move on from that too. Hey….one day at a time.
    It has been a slow and somewhat painful process to clean up my life…and to love myself enough to ask for more than a few crumbs thrown my way. But, I have to say that the pain I feel now is only temporary..and very worth it. I feel like I’ve conquered the world when I DO make some progress.
    I can also take some time to care for myself and my own depression when I need to. Alot easier than begging for time to do that. I do feel lonely at times, but it was worse being in a relationship and feeling lonely anyway.
    It is true that NO PERSON IS WORTH THIS KIND OF SUFFERING. But you…the receiver of abuse are the first person to convince of that. The hardest part is making the decision…and following your heart when “they” promise you the world. This is where faith and God come in to help you on your way. Without that, I doubt I’d be here writing up this post. Thank you God for taking such good care of me and my pets.

  • Confused

    I’ve been in a relationship for almost 3 years now. Of course, when we met it was more of a physical attraction that grew into an understanding of one another. We could relate to each other because we had both had similar childhoods and faced similar trials in life. He has bipolar and sleeps a lot and is disabled. I understand that he has pain. What I do not understand is that I too have pain, yet I wake up to face each day as positive and motivated as possible. It is like he has no ambitions or dreams in life. Several months ago, I grew weary of a deadening relationship. I do not feel the same feelings of love that I felt for so long. He would complain a lot and say that there was no reason to wake up in the morning. He reads the Bible and prays as do I. Of course, now that he is more aware of how I am feeling he is trying not to complain and wants to know what to do to help the relationship. I do not know at this point. I’m confused as to what to do because the feelings I once had are not resurfacing. Any advice is helpful. Thanks

  • Harlene Kleiman

    I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years too many, and put my children through living hell.I cleaned up all his messes, vomit and other messes I will not mention, so the children would not have to witness the shame I felt. It took all my courage to finally say enough is enough. I re-mortgaged our home to pay off gambling debts, he lost an excellent high-paying job due to his attitude and worked part-time and many times we faced foreclosure on the house. Fear kept me in this horrible marriage, he would not seek help and claimed he could stop drinking whenever he wanted to, which was never. I served him with divorce papers and it took six months to get him out of the house, he lived downstair in the family room and I lived upstairs with the children. The day he left, the children and I cleaned the entire house and then threw a party for our friends. Financially it was rough, I took on three jobs and worked seven days a week, the plus side was the peace and serenity that entered our home. He never paid child support, never attended our daughter’s college graduation (which I paid for along with scholarships) and when she married he refused to attend the wedding. He has not spoken to any of the children in many years and they could care less. Hang in there, stay single, enjoy all your friends and family and extended family.

  • Annie Coggins

    I have been in a relationship with a fairly wonderful guy for the last 8 years he takes me traveling with him and never fails to tell me he loves me, but here is the thing he want commit to marriage, only says that we would have to live together first, but I don’t want to live like that again I’ve done that before and it didn’t work but he insist this is the only way for now he is satisfied with me being his lover and campion. Is there any advise out there.

  • Barbara Milburn

    Dear Confused,
    I’m in a similar kind of relationship. I’m living with what I thought was my Prince Charming who unfortunately has turned out to be a frog with various physical and mental issues that have plagued him all his life. It’s quite sad that somebody could really hate life so much. So much negativity! I can’t tell you what to do but I plan to end the relationship. I can’t live like this and I won’t allow anyone to rain on my sunshine. Some relationships just are not meant to be. We hang on to them because of what “once was” We can not hang our future on what use to be. Stay prayerful, ask God for wisdom and for the courage to carry implement what ever is necessary to set you free.

  • TANYA CLARKE

    am in a relationship about three years, fell in love go to dinners,movies sometimes church, walks,parties,but it all stoped i loved him so much then now it’s gone, he do not care about anything, he wants to be a rastafarian now ,he shows no love at all he do not care about how i feel he says what ever he wants never says am sorry if he hurts me,now when he touches me i have no feelings, i attend church more now so no sex,and he is saying i have someone else, but it;s not true i do not know what to do am going to move out now as am writing this letter.

  • Trisha

    I was married for 12 years an had 2 wonderful children. Me an my husband both worked. We had different hours so when one was at work the other one was with the kids. We went to church every wensday an sunday. I use to tell people I didn’t have to worry about my kids because they were at home with their father. Then one day my whole world came crashing down . I came home from work and the phone rang it was the police Dept. Then they transfered me to Children Services where I talked to a Lady who asked me to come down an talk with her it involved my Daughter. I had know idea where to go I had to ask where they where located she told me an I went. When I got there she told me who she was and asked me to have a seat. Well being a mother I was worried I asked where my daughter was an what was wrong, Did her bus wreak is she hurt or what. Then she went an got my daughter who was 12 at the time and asked her if she wanted to tell me or if she wanted her to. Well let me tell you there is nothing that could hurt as much as what my daughter told me. She said mom dad has been doing things to me when your not at home then she proceed to tell what he did to her. Why I had been at work he had been molesting my daughter. I went numb I got up and tried to leave the lady asked where are you going I said to get my gun I was going to kill the son of a bitch.Next thing I knew a police man grad me an handcuff me to a chair where I stayed for 5 hours they called my mom to get her to calm me down well she ended up handcuffed in the chair next to mine. Then through concesling we found out he also molested our 9 year old son. You know what he got 8 years probation. He should have been put under the jail. He didn’t spend one day in jail at all. I divorced him of course. And the Preacher told me I was goin to hell for divorcing my husband, I told him I would save him a seat. Cause according to the Bible I had a right to throw him away. Years later I met a man named Ricky we were together for 5 years . He dranked alot when we first got together, then have 2 years ON July the 4th He told me he would stop drinking , but he was afraid he would leave me if he did. I said well if that is the case then pack your stuff an leave. He said what I said I love you but if you think just because you quit drinking you will leave then go. Cause I love you enough I would let you go cause I would rather see you live then kill yourself drinking. The next day he called an went to rehab He was there for 2 weeks when he came home He never touched another drop. Two years later he was told he had lung cancer they told him Nov.24 I carried him in my arms into the hospital christmas eve He died at 6 am that morning. It took a while for me to start over again but I did I started dateing again then last year I got married agin hopefully. If God is willing I will have a happy life. I don’t go to church anymore , but I still believe in GOd he has helped me through a lot of rough times and without him I would never had made it thats for sure. I just wish know kid ever goes through what my kids did. I still don’t understand why there dad did what he did to then. And I know you are suppose to forgive but how do you forgive someone who hurt your children an how do you forget. I still ask myself how was I so blind how did I not know I feel like I let my children down an God because I didn’t protect them. There’s not a day that goes bye that i don’t ask myself those questions an still I have no answer.

  • Billie Jean

    I was in a marriage 4 10 years he was on crack weed and a heavy beer drinker. Although he nerver did any abuse to me or my children. I sill feel bad about all the drugs he did around us waking up to beer bottles and cans was terrible smelling the weed. Oh and the stealing from me can nerver replace my broke feelings and hurt. Later he and my close friend had sex with each other. That’s when I knew we were through for LIFE. Than I got into a gay relationship with a older woman and she hurt me as well. She was on drugs and bi-sexual. I dont use any drugs nerver have and nerver will but now I am not in reltionship and I am ok with that I am in school for Paralegal to obtain my degree and continue. I put GOD first in my life and PRAY and read my bible. My children are 16yrs,18yrs,23yrs old I am blessed everyday to be in good health. I pray no goes threw what I have been threw and if they do pray and get out of the stressful relationship.

  • Katie Christian

    I was alone w/o dating for over 10-12 yrs. I moved to a new town and hired this man to do some work for me. He is 10 years younger than me and I really have given my heart to this man. We both fell in love with eachother. I went through his recovery from drugs, financially I am bankrupt, but I only can blame myself I made these choices. I am a pretty dedicated christian and he has been growing. I have to keep in mind the years I have walked with God and he hasn’t yet. I know we love eachother, but with his own confession, besides his love for me, he would like a family, with teens and would like to beable to financially support them, and as commendable as this may seem, I haven’t heard that I was the one who fulfilled these dreams to share.
    We love children but both have grand babies. I wrote him a letter and a poem thanking him for the growth in the past 14 months, trial and errors,for the love he has shown me, but I know I would only be second best though it may be hard for him to admit it. He has been my greatest love, but being over 60, his desires and dreams have to be with someone he would never question the future with, he would know.
    Please pray for me, i don’t want to live the rest of my life with a broken heart, but I want his happiness and dreams to come true,

  • Mike T.KATO.

    I AM 53YRS MALE,I AM A PERSON OF FAITH.
    TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS=IF YOU ARE IN IT,YOU WILL KNOW,YOU FEEL YOUR SPRITUAL,EMOTIONAL,PHYSICAL AND ALL ENERGIES DRAINED…YOU DON’T NEED ANY BODY TO MAKE THE DIAGNOSIS,HOWEVER, THE FRUSTRATION IS- YOU CANNOT GET OUT OF IT WITHOUT GOD.
    I HAVE BEEN THERE,SEVEN YEARS I WAS IN AN ON-AND-OFF RELATIONSHIP WITH A LADY(JUST TO SHOW SOME RESPECT),3 YRS AGO SHE SLEPT WITH MY BEST FRIEND,I STILL FORGAVE HER.BUT IT WAS NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT.AND FINALLY I ENDED IT FEW MONTHS AGO.
    MY ADVICE: PRAY AS HARD AS YOU COULD THAT GOD WILL SAVE YOU,GOD WILL PUT THE RIGTH WORD IN YOUR MOUTH THAT WILL END IT,AND HE OR SHE WILL NEVER COME BACK AFTER THAT.
    WHEN THEY LEAVE ,CONTINUE YOUR PRAYERS -THAT GOD WILL KEEP THEM OFF PERMANENTLY.DO NOT LOOK BACK PLEASE,OR YOU WILL BE LIKE LOT’S WIFE IN SODOM AND GOMORRAH(I HOPE THE SPELLING IS RIGTH.)
    I HOPE I WILL HELP SOMEBODY GET OUT BY POSTING THIS.

  • Betty

    I’ve been married to my husband for almost 14 yrs. I took the quiz today scored a 42. I didn’t need the quiz to tell me I have a bad relationship. i just don’t know what to do. My strength is gone. I concentrate mostly on my 3 yr old who is autistic. Then i spend the rest of the time trying to be a good mom to my step-daughter and be the wife I know I’m suppose to be. i have already failed at one marriage from when i was a teenager. I don’t want to screw up again. h i just can’t even explain how i feel. Can someone please give me some advice of how to either try and fix this marriage or get out of it? I don’t have the funds for professional help everything is for them what they need. Thank You in advance to anyone who feels they can help.

  • Nathania

    I just want to encourage evertyone whio has been victim or victimize by others.I’ve know for sure that hurting people hurt others for no reason. Once you come to this conclusion of the matter only then you can gain control over your life again. This will not happen immediately. Once you begin to find your value within your self. Yes, forgiveness is not at optional it a command from our father . What forgives does it keep the windows of heaven (connection of prayers) open up to you from the father(God)in heaven. Many people don’t know that just because you become an Christian(being made in the image of Christ) it doesn’t remove the trials,test,tribulation thatconfroents. What many don’t know is we’re exchanging places with our Elder brother Jesus in whom hadno sin has taken allour weakness upon himself and has allow forus to become connected with the father(God) in heaven. We have accepted him,and whenthis processor in progress we grow daily to become morelikehim in our lives. If we don’t read the word of God and understand it will allow the enemie(devil&satan) to operate through others and they themselves will not know it. Let keep it REAL. There’s some that know and refuse to accept the truth!!! Once we accept Jesus as our Savior(being apart of our lives daily) the curses(sin from the garden of eden) are broken it replace with the Lord directing our course(pathway) our lives. Remember It is God that made us and everyone of has purpose,plan, destined with promises. If you don’t know about this promise that has been stamped and sealed by the blood of Jesus at calvary you will not be able to walk into what he has for us. Relationship with God daily is all God want not a religion.Man made religion and GOd knew that this would fall instead man will bind up, tied up people in bondage with rules that they can’t keep. It’s only through Jesus can we be free from bondage. It will take away the problems that compass us daily.It will give us how to embrace his word has it carry us through our lives with him. Praise,thankgiving,fellowship,communion,and worship is the keys that will bring you into know who God is and unconditional&agrape love is about. Then you will real live life to the fullest as the word of the Jesus that carries you. Whether you know it or not. God has been there all the time waiting on you to spend time with him to directed your steps. I pray that these words will encourages you cause. You have a father(God) who is our creator, Jesus(Son of God) who took our place to bring us back(communication) to the father(God)in heaven the sin(separated us from heaven) of garden of eden. Holy Spirit(bring usback to rememberance,comfort us, spirit of truth)one who reveal everything unto us. only when you accept Jesus as Lord can all these promise and more can be ours. I’m not preaching a message just informing to you that there is a way that open to us. You are person of value,purposes,worth, greatness,favor, and you are love always. We’re never alone.

  • Gwen

    I believe my problem is a little different than most. My mother severly abused me as a child. Verbally, physically and emotionally. Never sexually, but the abuse I suffered was bad enough. I have a younger sister who is married. Her husband is a terrible man. He feels very threatened by me and is jealous of my relationship with my sister. Every time he is around me he tries to brow beat me and it is like an interrogation. He finds fault with everything I do and it has become unbearable being around him. My sister has MS and so I am trying to maintain a relationship with her, but her husband is constantly throwing a wrench in it. He is annoyed when I call their house. He is very confrontational, and even says bad things about my children. I think he is consumed by jealousy because I have wonderful children and grand-children and he will never have grandchildren, because his only daughter can’t seem to have any. It has become really a chore being in my sister’s company when her husband is there because I know any minute he is going to say something nasty to me. When he questions me about something I feel like a young child that did something wrong. I feel like a victim. My husband can’t be around my sister’s husband for too long because it gets unbearable after a while. I have decided to put my sister’s husband out of my life. I feel bad for my sister, but trying to have a relationship with her is really becoming very stressful. Her husband is a toxic person and very damaging. There are all kinds of toxic relationships and none of us should put up with that. I am done. Life is too short to have to live that way.

  • zenda l fiske

    I am very aware a this toxic relationship now ….I am 50 yrs old was a victim of a man 10 yrs younger man then I….
    I lost my husband of 24 yrs of wonderful marriage in 2000….guarded my heart , protected myself from being hurt…my love was my first love…he died of cancer…left with three grown sons…four grandbabies…
    Then comes the Prince in shining armor…stiils my heart…it was good fro 3 months …after He trained me of all I had and then left me high and dry! My heart broken…now in debt more then I could imagine…he’s now on to another victim…his children tried to warn me but know I was in love! No I was greatly fooled and taken for a ride…My warning is date for a long time…get to know..find out of their past…then move on

  • Babs

    I am a 43 year old woman. I am the product of two failed marriages, one of which happened at the age of 24, then again at 32. I believe that toxicity has lead me to this current relationship. I can use rebounding as an excuse, but I wont. Im currently dating a 41 year old man who I think is Peter Pan. He looks like a man, acts like a man, but does not accept responsiblity like a man. He is not communicative at all. He changes daily. Its his way or the highway. Although he possesses a strength for manhood, I dont see it flowing out of him. I cant feel it. I would never look twice at a man like this. I fell in love with this man because of his ambitions, his support, his personality. We believed we could have a good life together. He has the worst luck. EVerything that could go wrong, has gone wrong with our relationship and its changed him. There is an overwhelming in crease in toxicity. I scored a 20 on the quiz. He takes whatever he wants from our relationship and if you wants to give he will. Nevermind my needs. Im still in it because I said commitment for the first time I am honoring it. I decided to stay and fight the challenge of commitment. I pray that this is the “for worse part of the relationship.” For me, I continue to pray for strength, endurance and patience. I stay commitment to who I am and I dont let anything or anyone change me. For if he is truly not the one for me,I know GOD will set him free.

  • K

    I had met a man who seemed like the one for me, gave me gifts and gave me money. See, I had an abusive family and it was very familiar. They were never good at talking to me about problems. But once I had sex with him which he pushed, he interrogated me saying “Well, you know nothing will ever be the same now” and then I left the state for a year. I came back here and we rehooked, he spoiled me rotten but whenever I mentioned the status of where we stand he would say I am not communicating very well, got to where he would not let me have an opinion, and verbally humiliated me everytime we would sit down to try to have a discussion. Whenever I mentioned something important, he would look at me crazy and act like he wanted me out of his apartment. There was no room for standing up for yourself. He would scream that I wouldn’t listen to him. So I ended it by saying I guess I didn’t listen, we aren’t right for each other.

  • osecool

    i was married for 10 yrs and currently going through a divorce process. the truth is anyone in a toxic relationship is highly likely aware of it but too afraid to walk out. The most horrible thing is, it destroys ones self esteem but with prayers and determination, one can overcome. I am a christain and i don’t believe that God wants us to stay in this kind of relationship. i sincerely think that anyone who stays on in such a relationship is being sucidal.
    We tend to give a lot of excuses but we are just afraid to take the BOLD step. in my case, it took me almost 5 years to be bold enough to take the bull by the horn. I prayed hard and God answered. it hasn’t been easy but I am a better person now. I pray for anybody in this kind of situation that God will give them the strength to do the right thing

  • Anonymous

    I have a son who’s wife is cheating on him, and also pregnant by another man. (her boss. They have a 2 yr. old son, and our son is a good father and husband, but she cracks a whip, and can do no wrong. Now spiraling down from all she’s created, he is devastated. He don’t believe in divorce, but it looks like it’s headed there. She left, went to a father and step mothers home, and hates the step mother. So I don’t know how it will all turn out, but I pray every day for them. I don’t want to say the wrong thing to him, just be there if he or the grandson need me, and we live a distance from them. I know God will help my Son do the right thing. He’s no child, 35, and his first marriage, and thinks the world of her. Her mother had a nervous breakdown, and he’s afraid she has some of those genes. She also likes drink, which I think led to the affair, and my son don’t drink. Keep praying

  • AngelsSpeak

    Women need to learn to honor (awe…nor) and love who they are within and to be strong instead of needy. All relationships should be periodically questioned: Is this the pathway that brings me happiness, comfort and peace? Do I feel enhanced by this relationship or do I feel diminished by this relationship – (the ED test)? Don’t depend on God to take you out of a bad situation; He gave you a mind, a heart, an instinct, and He gave you feet in which to leave. You know what is right or wrong. To thine own self be true means just that! In being the first to ‘choose’ to leave a toxic relatonship you gain back your self control and self worth. A new door cannot open until the toxic door has closed. Be wiser in your choices next time. Make a list of qualifications for the next relationship in your life and do not settle for anything less. If that individual does not meet your qualifications, hit the delete button and move forward on your own. That way, you will empower yourself to make wiser choices in the future. No relationship is perfect; but those that are self serving, demeaning, negative, neglectful, or hurtful, (the list goes on) will only serve to drag you both down! The dance between partners requires some space and takes energy to work together in symbiosis… Ask yourself: Is this your dance?

  • Yvette Jordan

    Do not chase them replace them !
    “Also never make a man a priority when you are a option”.
    Life should always continue to go on and STRONG.

  • margie

    I too have been in a painful relationship,we have been married for 48 years and they have been hard years my husband was a drinker and abuser but has changed in the past 20 years he has quite drinking ,but now he has been cheating on me for the past 3 years with his first girl freind who came back to our town after her own divorce, he says he wants to stay in our marraige but never seems to make a full commitment to me I have given up on our marraige and now am only staying in the relationship because of our children and grandchildren I know i should get out and find happiness for myself but seem to lack the motivation for doing so

  • Terri

    Beyond Blue has always seemed to come through on a daily basis to hit upon the grievances in my life, and this topic is right on the button today.
    I met a man who was in prison for the past 20 years. I didn’t take pity on him but accepted his wanting to get over his past and to start a new life. We did it a little to quickly. I found out that he was just playing me emotionally. He did everything right, said everything right and we were like two peas in a pod.
    But, I found out he had a problem with pornography, lying and denial (three separate issues) And was using my computer to look at it, then when I caught the traces of it, he said it was my children doing it. I did the right thing and told him that in a committed relationship, two people should work these issues out. I was the first woman he had been with in many years and again, took responsibility for showing him how to be in a man/woman relationship. He had a few small time relationships when he was a young man.
    I also found out from someone in the prison system that he was on medications for split personality disorder. I was never told. He told me he needed to see a doctor but not why. Apparently, he was crashing without having a refill on him medications. I was trying to get him a medical card but he ended up leaving me anyway. Drugs use and alcohol, also played a factor in his emotional state. He got mean sometimes and other times told me how much he loved me WAY TOO MUCH. I was never sure what he would say or do next. I just tried to stay the course and reason with him. It didn’t work. It just got worse.
    I like the verse that is put in today’s topic that God sends people in both situations: either to destroy or to bless you.
    That is funny because I asked God to bring someone into my life and this is what HE gave me. I thought I was blessed but it just ended up destroying me. I want to know what my purpose was in meeting this man. I think I know. It was to show him the right path from a very wrong one. It was to give him love that he had never had in his life (family abuse as a child, foster homes and then prison). But, he couldn’t accept this at face value. He wanted to con me by saying he loved me, just like he would con other people to make himself look like a good guy for his needs in prison.
    I am still in contact with him, but at a computer distance. I tell him that he is doing the same mistakes again. Relationship jumping (finding women on the internet to move in with when he has a good home with friends to live) and being a con artist. He wants to say that I am talking bad about him (name calling). I tell him it’s the truth he doesn’t want to hear or deal with it. He wants to hide from the truth and I put the truth back in his lap. But, I tell him that it is my wish for him to live happy life but not at the expense of another woman. Positive reinforcement.
    He tells me to stop living in the past and live for today. I told him all the things I have in my life that I do that has nothing to do with the past or involves him…. Like my house, family, job and future plans.
    Anyone who wants to stand up for themselves, values and personal freedoms just need to throw out the trash in their lives on garbage day.
    I did something silly and talked to God on this matter. He answered me and said that this man would be in my life again in 6 years. I think I know why. He needs to take a couple walks around the block and see what life on the outside is really about. When he is wiser, then maybe we can talk on an intelligent basis.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for I did need to read this,I already know I was an a unhealthy relationship,but keep praying for change,know I now the change has to come from within me,I can’t change anyone but only myself,I want wait I had before I meet this person a happy life,not self seeking,but loving,caring,understaning,I dont want my heart to get harden, an if I stay Iam sure it well,I give so much of myself,were his gives very little of himself to me and our child,I just wont us to have a better life,includding god being apart of that.

  • Anonymous

    I just want to take time to thank the many entries I found here, but I think the one that hit home was
    “Also never make a man a priority when you are a option”.
    I had to call a friend of mine and share it with her. She was in a toxic relationship for years (17), and the guy married another woman, and never told her! She found out from one of the guys family members, months later. To say the least, she was broken hearted She has since tried to move on, but it is like she has a wall built around her. I shared this article with her and it’s like medicine. She has a new attitude! Thank GOD!

  • Michael

    The effects of the toxic relationship are not gender specific. I will admit I only read a few pages of postings, but noticed most were from women. Let me assure you me suffer the same feelings. Women just tend to be more open in this area. Heres a kick, as a substance abuse councilor, I found myself in a toxic relationship. My advice to clients was that no one can get help until they want it, but I was blind to my own condition. Sure I am afraid of being alone,just as we all are, but I’m not any good to anyone else if I’m still in an unhealthy relationship, just as an addict is not any good to anyone else as a user. Funny how sometimes we can’t see the forest for the trees! Anyway in the opening page of this topic it states both good and bad people are brought into our lives, and I love Amos 3:3 it was a real comfort. Since getting out, I’m whistling again, singing around the house and to my puppies and having great peacefulness. My advice step back, let go and let God, we aren’t driving the bus.

  • John

    Thank you all, I have been married for 7 yrs and for he first 3 it was good. She had me believing that this strife is my fault and that I needed medication and couseling to fix my problems. I am now working to feel better about myself, and get away from her. It’s not easy as everytime I see her I want to tell her how much I still care about her and want to be with her. I am going to couseling and working on ME NOW….Huggs to everyone, thanks to all…..John

  • Sandra

    Hello to everyone, I share the pain that has been expressed here but I know that God will repair it all if we allow it.
    My story for the sake of helping another starts very early in life. Since the age of 4 till the age of 8 I was sexually abused by several different abusers, and later in my t 20’s I was raped by an ex-boyfriend. My mother left my father when I was 6 and I never had contact with him for 28 years. When I was in my mid 20’s I went through extensive counselling, and did much soul searching until my late 20’s… My first relationship was with a man who was initially wonderfull, we got married,and then one month after he lost his job and then fell into a deep depression. He became a drug user/alcohol addict..I left him after 11months. then I went on to being single and loving life once again, until I met the man who would be the father of my son.. he was mister charming (ladies, if its too good to be true… it probably is not true), after dating him for two months I ended it because of the gut feeling I got when I was with him…but after three weeks after it was over I found out I was pregnant. This set of about four years of hell for me, this man would badger me, tell my mother that I was a whore, bring his girlfriends around to visit the baby, and they would fight his fights for him. I finally faught him in court and won for custody of my son, and when he found out that he lost he left the country so that he would not have to pay for child support. I changed my numbers and now Im rid of him!
    Now the last relationship I was in was a different sort. I met him via internet, and we connected pretty well, we had similar backgrounds, he had children, I had my child. He had been divorced 2x’s and so had I (in a matter of speaking). This man for all terms and purposes was kind, gentle, and tame… or so I thought. I own my own business, and am quite good at providing for my family fairly well. Nothing lacks in my life, and I am privilaged to say that I love all my friends, and have good relations with all that know me. My first visit to meet this man showed me that he was very poor, and unkept. I felt compassion for him, and thought that he just needed a good break in his life. However, as time went on I noticed that he was a compulsive procrastinator, a compulsive dreamer, and living in denial. He would talk about how he would be rich one day, and how he was able to change his whole life around whenever he chose to. But for 2 years that I spent with him, I never saw any improvement.
    I kept braking it off, but for many reasons which have no significant merrit to me loving myself I would go back. Time, and time again we talked abou the same stuff ~ how if he loved me he would put me as a priority, and how if he wanted us to be a family he would become more financially responsible… In effect his response was “if you live here it would work out better” However, he has no home, and can barely pay his bills? how were we supposed to move if there was no place to land? He is living in a room in the basement of his father’s home?????
    Then I woke up, what the hell was I thinking? He has not, and will not change for me. If he wont do it for himself, he certainly won’t do it for his new family. No matter how many talks, I took him on two vacations to give him a taste of a better life, nothing worked. He was a rock that was not going to move, and ontop of all this he barely called, or barely showed any effort that I meant anything to him…and through this all, all he had to say to me was: “I love you, but I guess that is just not enough for you”. Wow. That was all he had to give me after two years of waiting for him to get his act together..did I mention that he is 39 years old.
    So I told him a few truths, and he said he never wanted to hear from me again….My pleasure, and by the way, good ridence!!!
    This story is to inform all you women/men out there that think that they cannot leave that YES YOU CAN! It is as simple as asking yourself one simple question: Why do I keep stoping the good that God wants for me from coming into my life? I truly asked myself this question, and I think the answer is that with every experience I learn more clearly what I do not want. The trick is to only accept what you do want, and nothing less. When you see what you don’t want, get rid of it. And don’t worry about the other persons feeling, they are adults and it is up to them to deal with their own emotions, its not your job. Your job is to take care of you.
    Im all for patience, and waiting for the diamond to refine, etc. But there comes a time when you have to think only of yourself (in a God loving way), and know that God is a God of love, luxury, and abundance. He is always giving, and we determine what we receive, not him. We are here cocreating our lives, God is constantly giving out the good, and we are the ones that determine whether we accept the good or not.
    What are you going to decide to receive? As for my family and I, we choose to serve the lord, and therefore I will from now on, only accept the good into my life…I have learned now what I do not want in its fullest, now it is time to only accept what I do want, and I don’t care if I hurt anyones feelings anymore…they can suck it up.
    Why should I put up with any less than what God is giving out? Right. Right!
    Best of luck to you all, may you learn what you do not want, and learn to allow what you do want. I know that I will never allow this again… Better to be alone and happy, than with someone and miserable. I will vacation with friends, and take my son on fun adventures if anyone else wants to come along they can pay for themselves…hahaha
    God Bless, God Guide, and God give us all Self-Love

  • JC

    I am in the middle of what I call insane relationship.
    My History: (I share in order that it may help others).
    I got married at age 16 to get away from home. AFter growing up with early sexual abuse, physical beatings with belts and willow sticks, years of emotional and psychological abuse, I thought I would marry a boy 17 to get out of it. Annulment in less than a year. I woke up when he cornered me in a closet and hit me. I wasn’t perfect, but is any abuse ever justified?!
    I realize I was always looking for the love I never got. I had cats, dogs and a little mouse and two rabbits when I was a kid. I could give and receive them the love I longed for and never got from my family. I realize my animals saved me.
    I went on to college and met a young man. By then was partying all the time and he was partying too. I went after him, thinking he is the “one”. I was with him 21 years with three children together. The years of partying and social scene I just coudln’t handle anymore I wanted to quit the drinking. Years of alcoholism together, crazy fights and lots of sick behavior on both our parts. I got sober. He divorced me. He got our 9 and 11 to testify they should be with him and their little brother, age 5 should not be with me. Now four years later, my older son hates his dad, he sees that his dad cheated me out of everything. That son when 11 yrs old saw his dad drunk and how his dad took a poop in broad daylight on a road, staggering drun. But no, my ex never had a problem with alcohol, it was always me who was the problem. Now my son is drinking and in depression. Now our 17 yr old daugher is in denial still, is an overacheiver and has taken an overdose of pills once. Our little 8 yr old is trying to hold on to hope for a better life. Dad is drinking again and denying he has a problem. Well, he makes a lot of money, so what is the problem? Now he is hanging out with another drunk and older woman and God only knows what will happen next. I pray everyday for God to help us all.
    I stayed celebate in sobriety, not even dating. But for some reason I went on a christian dating site and met an arab man who resides in Jordan, he won my heart and I fell in love. Soon he was controlling me to see my body and private parts in pictures. I complied. For some reason his forcefulness made me want to be dominated. He sent me papers that he owns a house in New Zealand. I don’t remember how it happened, but in just a month and then two months, I sent him around $3000 in money grams. He used some of the money to buy me a ring, an expensive gold medallion and chain, his suit and whatever else, I dont know, but I guess part of it was his and his buddy’s plane ticket to meet me in another country, close to his. I took an 18 hr plane trip to get there. Never heard his friend was coming until I saw him sitting in the villa that I paid for. I paid for everything there. On the credit card I see that I even paid for the friend’s hotel room that was separate from our villa. In two days we got married in that country in a civil marriage. Since then I worked on the documents for immigrant spouse. Was approved. Sent documents to the next agency we had to, and helped him fill out the forms which we did together online. His problem is that he doesnt like forms and I had to guess at stuff, and it was the wrong stuff. So now this second agency has requested more information and to fill out new forms. It’s coming up on 3 months since we got that request. My spouse has been controlling and acts mad. On our anniversary he got mad when I asked him to not use any of the credit cards anymore. In april I found out I was sick and had to go on a year long cancer treatment. I moved in with my mom and took a full time job, all for him. Because the requirement is that I make enough money to be a support to him. Although from the beginning he said he would be here to help me and pay me back. In february I told him I was having a hard time paying all these credit card bills. and to please not use them. It wasnt a whole lot, but here is his sick wife, working thru illness, with kids to care for, almost on the verge of losing a house I struggle to make mortgage payments on and he is using it for resaurants, gas, grocery stores???? So he was mad, and On our one year anniversary he sent a letter saying he is refusing the package and it will be back to me in May or April. He is also deleteing me off his email and yahoo and to cancel our application for immigration. I write back and say fine, then lets do it, and we need a repayment plan for the money he took. Then a day later he sounds sick and is begging me and saying he loves me.
    I think he takes pills and shots of narcotics. He denies. I asked again about the papers on 3/2/08 and he hasnt talked to me since. I have ignored red flags all the way. WHY? Because I want to believe in love, that someone did really love me. I think he is sick and sometimes I think he’s been scamming me all along.
    He has a myspace. live.com space and I put one up and he told me to delete the personal pictures because it is dangerous. Why is it dangerous. In my mind which doesnt know what to think right now, is that he has other women he is with, or married to and I was just a fool that he ripped off to support them.
    I don’t know. All I can do is to GIVE IT ALL TO GOD EVERY SINGLE DAY AND PRAY GOD’S WILL BE DONE.
    And woe is he if he was dishonest and ripped me off. Woe to him if he was untruthful and unfaithful. For what one reaps, one will surely sow. And if its true that he took from me, he also took from my kids. I have been through hell and back more than once and I don’t care for any more of it. I have come to the conclusion if it’s God’s will, God will make it so and all the stuff I wrote that is negative about him here is my mind, as a recovering alcoholic, the thinking is the problem. However, I am not the blame for everything. But really all I can do is work on me, not him. God has a plan and I just dont know what it is. God loves me, God loves him and God loves my kids.
    I hope and pray he has a spiritual awakening and is able to tell me the truth. I hope and pray he is for real. Because I never loved anyone more than I have loved him.
    A sick person is not sick in every area all the time. We are all as humans sick to some extent. God loves us the same, no matter what.
    All I can do is pray and trust in God.
    JC

  • Janice

    Over the years I have become increasingly aware of toxic relationships. I never thought that it could happen at church. I suppose it takes all kinds and we are at church to heal, never being perfect, but beware, toxic relationships can evolve there too. After becoming aware of just a friendship from a class, toxic relationship, I was able to seperate myself from this. Recently exiting, I fully expect fallout, but faith and strength will pull me through.

  • jeanne

    Good comments from all–I too know what it is like to be in a toxic relationship–34 years I was afraid to move on–now that I have at the age of 62 I have never been happier, more at peace and more content than ever in my whole life.Take the first step to find happiness. A friend told me”Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go”.

  • Karen Newton

    I was in an abusive marriage for 21 years left in 2003. Been living on my own with my four children since then I do not make alot of money I do not know how I am going to make it but I pray that God will tkae care of us. Last October just dated for the first time since my marriage it was wonderful until a month ago. everything changed, he didn’t want to be the way he was said he was comfortable and that he didn’t want to answer for every move he made which was riduculous. I was never demanding or overbearing I always went on his lead. I am totally heartbroken..He takes medicine for anger and he drinks and I know this is not a good combo. why am I still so sad?

  • Anonymous

    How does a woman walk away from a man that just keeps following her..He is not a physically abusive man but, very manipulitave. I am not rich and have a lot of obligations I cannot walk away from..I am at the end of my rope.

  • Kelly

    I am divorced, age 32, no children, but love the Lord. I struggle with whether or not I want to remain single for long or get married right away. I’ve been divorced since 2005 and was only married about 2 years. I started seeing a divorced man with 2 teenage kids a few months ago. He is a recovered alcoholic. I say I love him, but do I really? He seems aloof and everything happens in his time, on his clock. Why do I hold on? What is it that I like about him truly? He smokes and I am VERY allergic. We’ve been up and down/broken up more than once. My family doesn’t want to see me get used or be hurt again. I’m just confused about what I want and how to be content without this man in my life. I must surrender my will to God. Thank you for the prayers. ~Kelly~

  • Matthew Hartman

    Well, I think as a “man” it’s safe to say the comments here collectively represent the female perception of what it means to give and receive love.
    The problem is not the man or the woman per se, because well all harvest goodness in different ways, or even negative habits. The problem is packaging and labeling people into very small boxes and sending the 1-day express down the river when thing get uncomfortable or disagreeable or when emotions flare up.
    Relationships are about growth. And though you share that growth with the other person, you still as the individual are responsible for your own. In effect, relationships are drawing table’s of the soul. Sometimes your partner provides the paper, yet you always have to draw the sketch yourself.
    Just as you can’t grow with a relationship that is too negative, you also can’t grow with a relationship that’s too positive. A good balance is one that incorporates both. The magic ratio is what feels right to you and your partner.
    Are some men evil? I would yes if immaturity or unconscious equals “evil”. We all have our own “demons”. Without them, there would be no point in which to evolve and discover ourselves in new ways.
    Not to pick on anyone here, but I see a lot of finger pointing. “He did this, he did that” and less of “how might I have played a part in the breakdown of the relationship”. My own partner does it to me as I do it to her. It’s a bad mind habit which often leads to a more level of destruction than which was started with.
    Statically, most men are not great verbal communicators. I know I’m certainly not. But often it’s mistaken for not being great communicators in general, which is a limiting perspective.
    Most woman are excellent verbal communicators. But is verbalizing your thoughts (where emotions come from) the ONLY way to communicate? Most woman use verbal communication as affirmation of who they believe they are, and therefor associate it with empathy, compassion, concern, caring, love, interest, etc., which generates a sense of deep meaning for her.
    Men communicate differently. Men communicate through actions, yes, sometimes very pragmatic and logical, so it loses a sense of romanticism and excitement to a woman, but it’s communication nonetheless. Trust me, most men aren’t all that interested in talking for hours on end and therefore they can’t find the romanticism in this either.
    Men and woman connect on different platforms. And very few platforms at that. Men and woman have different sensitivities. Ultimately, it’s not our partner’s responsibility to envoke love and epathy within ourselves.
    Society has conditioned us all that men are evil beings if they don’t cater to the way women communicate ands receive love. Even though I believe men and women should grow to understand one another throughout the course of the relationship, this is an unfair and unconscious expectation.
    Men are supposed to be men, not women. We come into this world either as a man or a woman, or sometimes both to have a unique experience of seeing life through that projector. The movie should not be forced or convinced to reverse it’s natural course to move forward. That is control. Ultimately, that is abusive and misleading.
    We live in a very “self-justified” era. “People are attacking me”, “People don’t understand me”. The spiritual path of utilizing the vessel of me is only to realize that there is no me at all.
    Everything that stems from the one, eventually returns to the one. With this in mind, be compassionate of others. Even when you have labeled them evil for not conforming to your expectations.
    Do I believe in a abusive relationship? No. I believe in self-abusive and unconscious minds and thus behavior. Relationships have purpose, even when we have lost touch.

  • Faith

    Appreciate the viewpoint from a mans’ perspective. Believe that now I see better what was going on in my own marriage. It actually can be freeing when a person can also admit that they have played a part in the breakdown in any relationship. Though abuse should not be tolerated whether it comes from a man or woman, it oftentimes does come from a breakdown in effective communication. My husband passed away in 2003 and we had been together for 22 years; but at times I still have a fleeting moment of “guilt” that I could have helped make the last 10-12 years of our marriage more fulfilling for him. I can’t make it up to him anymore; but hope that I will get to a place in life that I will be comfortable to try to have a meaningful relationship with a significant other. I waited to date after my husband’s death out of respect for our children even though each of them had at least reached 18 years of age. Have dated some; but want to take my time now and not jump into just any relationship.
    Enjoyed reading the replies here today.

  • Matthew Hartman

    Faith, I’m a bit of a hypocrite and very insecure person, which can lead to certain insecurities that cause my partner to become fearful and caged. I act out in ways that most women do not appreciate or consider loving or considerate. The point is, we all have our self labels and the labels that are given to us. But in reality, they really mean squat.
    I immensely respect your marriage of 22 years. I look at the five I’ve been in and wonder at times if there ever will be a sixth, we walk the razor’s edge way too many times.
    Unless you’ve deliberately set out to hurt your husband in those last 10-12 years, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If you did your best, or had positive intentions, regardless of the outcome or reaction, then you have nothing to fret over.
    Even if you were the biggest b*tch on earth, it doesn’t matter. There’s no reality in the past. Reality exists ONLY in the present moment. You learn from your “mistakes”. This is how the past is used as a practical tool, or measure of reference. Past that point, the past is useless. This is in part how one grows, and expands their level of consciousness of themselves and others.
    As far as dating, when it concerns children (I have 4) I totally understand your sensitivity. Even though children tend to be resilient, they too have sensitivities and every action as a parent counts.
    We as humans crave for someone to understand us. We feel that urge that we are not whole, and in order for that to be fulfilled, there’s someone special out there that holds the other half of that wholeness. This of course has always been the biggest lie known to man. We are whole right now. Just the way we are, in this moment. There is no tomorrow and no yesterday, those are illusions.
    When we enter a relationship as a whole being, we let go of the dependability that eventually turns into unhealthy expectation that our partners are responsible to fill that gap that we fill. That’s insane. It’s then when you enter a “true-love” relationship as opposed to one that is based on desire and craving.
    You know, as many problems that my partner and I have, that could easily be labeled as “abusive”. Some where, in some unwritten and unspoken way, I know she is meant to be in my life. She challenges me to challenge myself like no one else. Though she may approach it in a negative way at times, I know that it is ultimately done out of love. Not dependant-love. But true-love. In retrospect it makes all the difference.
    I believe too many people close the door before it barely had a chance to open. Which can in turn become a very self abusive way to live one’s life.

  • LaCarolinaG

    I hate to say it but I looked at the quiz and I couldn’t bear to score it.It wasn’t all there but enough to know two people who had been deeply in love had started destroying one another. I was in a wonderful relationship that fell outside of God’s blessings and I saw the fruit of sin. She was/is a spectacular woman in a terrible relationship that hits every negative on the quiz. I had been for many years though not for years. We fell in love and had a great relationship and she was going to make a compromise and in time we would be able to be together. But we jumped the gun for a brief period we could make happen because of my job. The guilt and pressure from her end culminating in blackmail on her husband’s part led her to pull back as she should have. I felt I was losing the love of my life and I disintegrated as a man. I felt like she had bailed on me.I should have understood and had patience.We should have sought reconciliation for our sin and sought to approach our relationship over time in a proper way.She and I started relating to each other as if the other was the spouse who had hurt us for years. Both of our marriages were the image of the toxic version portrayed by your article. We started to attribute negatives to each other that we had seen in our spouses. Then we started living up to each other’s negative expectations.I had always been the voice of reason and maturity in my relationship.Now I was being a person neither she nor I knew.She was losing love and respect for me every day.She did things that hurt me and seemed cold or cruel.I was hurt and she thought it was anger which she fears more than anything.And at the end I was angry. I lost myself almost completely in desperation. It became like a terrible Lifetime movie and I was the guy I always hated.I love her and still believe in her but she sees me for the worst of what she has seen in me. She lost all her feelings for me and many times it has crossed my mind that I wish I were dead but it is fleeting as I am not that kind of person and I do have too much to live for otherwise. In fact everything that had been going wrong in my life while I was happy about her has been turning around. I will be seeking counseling to get over the pain and to make sure I never again become that person I was with her at the end. Unfortunately I don’t think she will try to do the same. When her counseling failed with her husband, individual counseling was suggested for her to deal with her continued anger towards him but she dismissed it. I hate what I did to her. I was the first person who ever tried or wanted to put her first and when I failed to do that the last few months ( while we were trying to be friends) I may have cemented her pattern to go after men she couldn’t hurt, didn’t need her at all emotionally, and just wanted what she could do for them. She trades having her needs met for not enduring conflict or confrontation. I know Jesus will forgive me but right now I’m just trying to get where I can forgive myself.

  • Matt

    LaCarolina, what place are you exactly trying to get at in order to forgive yourself? The future doesn’t yet exist.
    It sounds like to me you have made several realizations about yourself already. That is the very universal meaning of forgiveness; being observant, becoming more aware and conscious of your mind and your reactions to your thoughts, developing compassion for yourself and others. Forgiveness without these qualities is just an empty word.
    Forgiveness is not about being “judged”. It’s all about surrender to the moment, as things are right now.
    Forgive yourself right now and move on.

  • john

    Jesus stated clearly we,(the world) “Have Been” reconciled to God
    Not ‘Will Be’… and “sin” not being counted against us–THE WORLD.
    Rom. 5:6-10,2nd Cor.5:19]
    People will judge us — but not God.With one exception -> He gives everyone the right of passage to eternal life IN Jesus,(“A CHOICE”) you accept it or reject it,and in so doing judge yourself.It is what everyone fights for — yes?– THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE!
    Now to the remainder;
    Feeling follows thought !
    People read your Bibles,renew your minds,(it is how God designed us,(short of sensory feelings,touch,taste,sight,sound,etc…)emotional feelings follow thought) and pray and put away these childish antics.
    People are supplied so much information now days that they rarely if ever turn to God for the answer — they seek out others to satisfy their ‘feelings’ — someone to say it’s okay- a quick fix that feels good,they justify,rationalize,excuse,(Just as God said they would).What a travesty – so fleeting are the sensations that are derived from opinions of others – when these answers arrive without Truth as a foundation,they remain empty,devoid of substance,they never resolve the troubles of individuals long term.From one problematic instance to the next – it repeats the cycle — some people never learn.God have mercy- we are so stupid.
    Read your Bible and pray— allow the spirit of God to deliver you from relationships that are not healthy — follow the advice of God’s truth — even if it is difficult,stand firm in your convictions if they are based in the truth of Gods word — let God be the judge in the end. If you don’t stand for something,likely you will fall for anything.
    For now ‘Be Specific’ scripturally, and if you don’t know or cannot comprehend the direction God is leading you — apprehend the best you can and have faith, carry on — Jesus is faithful.. Trust Him,He will explain what you need to know when your ready..count on it.
    The only things that can control us in life are the thoughts we give ourselves over to — God has granted soveriegnty to each person — to make their own decisions.To choose if/what they believe,and in whom.
    As a man thinks – so is he. Prov./bible
    Think upon things that are noble true and honorable.
    Tall order in this world — Yet it is suggested in Scripture(!)for one to carefully consider,because the outcome of your choices you will live with during your existence this side of heaven,as well the affects of your actions/choices on others that they will live with.
    Therefor you really should not,(not saying you can’t)allow others to decide for you — other than God who cares about you,and has promised to help you.
    So why not find out the Truth about how to live in this world from the author – the Creator.God tells us, the battle ground is in the mind! He then instructs us to renew our mind to truth ..and not just any persons version or opinion on truth,that is why I start off with the words “read your Bible”.I am certain that God instructed us to renew our minds to His Word, to equip us for trials and temptations to come, and so we would turn to Him for answers when things get off course in our lives.Gods word clarifies situations for us — even teaches us how to discern outcomes before we make choices — call it Judgement- but not of peoples motives,as in judging ‘why’they do certain things,short of the notion that they choose to do them with or without knowledge,we have only scripture to identify why.The why or motive question is not for us to determine,God retained this unto Himself,and a plethora of whys are defined in the Bible. Yet there are limits here,because people can’t claim ignorance forever (!) or if they are good or bad etc…Judging the do not the do’er is the safest approach..And it is God’s word that equips one to Judge rightly.Will you do what is proper when you know truth? probably not everytime – we have this nature– this selfish side and it is always present – a conflict that causes us to pursue self interests . The most difficult part of the equation.. Human nature — self.. well that is another area completely — it drives us and this world every day — is it good or bad –? there is the rub.What are we without it?
    Having said this — you will always be tempted and tested by life. On the other hand God HAS(past tense) promised to be there for us that believe and are Born Again.The exclusion here is only because God said that a person cannot understand Spiritual Truth without having God’s Spirit in thier heart! Objections you have to take up with Him.
    Note ; God did say that anyone could ask and receive wisdom and knowledge without exception > provided you do not doubt.This does not say they will know Truth…
    Again God knows we will fall short — so He made provisions to help us.
    The way to begin in my opinion is 2nd Peter ch 1 vs 3&4.
    Develop a knowledge of God and his promises – His provisions for you– and teach yourself to stand firm in them — to trust in Him no matter how you ‘FEEL’. God is faithful — test him and see.
    The scripture verses I listed are the answer to how you can live in this world,according to the designer.
    The options we all face are quite limited — by default we exist moment by moment in one of two available mental states — Faith or Fear. By renewing your mind as a child of God you start to recognize when you are not acting in faith — but instead fear. And over time you get better at making the right choices — the ones God would have you make and your angst deminishes.You also start saying ‘thank you’ a lot more often once you begin to undrstand God’s truths.
    What motivates you???
    The Just — Shall walk by faith.
    What is the alternative? fear? Please understand that arrogance and what the world defines as confidence is in my opinion a cover up, a facade for fear..
    Have you allowed fear to dominate your life? Then what you fear may be what you must face? Humility and courage are signs of greatness. Have faith,trust the Lord and watch the fear fade.
    No one got into a bad situation overnight!Actually it was brewing for most for quite awhile,they usually ignore it out of fear — not having knowledge of God’s Truth to apply in the situation,so they ignore things,until suddenly they are trapped… Thats okay too. Sometimes it takes this to get our attention.And that it does… when this happens it will reveal where a person is spiritually.Circumstances reveal your nature.They do not cause it.At the point you see yourself and your limitations — this is where you decide. And I would say this is the critical point in ones own life – the choice they make here will define them in thier own mind for quite some time.And this is a difficult area to navigate personally.Again God thankfully is faithful.
    If ever faced with this – turn to Jesus,you will not be disappointed.
    Final Note:1) Blessed are people who’s sins will not be remembered or counted against them(Rom. 4:8). God blesses us in many ways — I would not think that God would send people to our lives to cause us grief –as He does not tempt us — and certainly he would send people to help us or bless us if need be, and likewise he will send us to bless others,even if we are unaware.
    Does the enemy know this?Okay then it makes sense that we should equip ourselves with truth to aide us in discerning events and people in our lives…The idea here is that a child of God lives among people that are not — and they are attracted to us because we are different — so God can be revealed through us to them OR they are used/sent by the enemy to trouble us — if they are lost they would not know why they are doing what they are doing and would likely think it is acceptable and normal and good,but is it? God will prevail,and how each individual handles this meeting with the lost world moment to moment is one of faith — for only God knows which ones are saved.For the religious I think the view may become even more blurred as time continues.They worship out of tradition,and not Truth.Careful what you believe,a suggestion, make it very personal between you and God.
    2)Can two walk together less they be agreed? Not according to God. Light and dark do not mix — oil and water — etc… God even instructs to shake the dust from your feet if people do not believe the Gospel message — leave them/move on — yet in the passage on marriage God suggests that if the unbeliever wants to stay,the believer should remain,yet if they do not want to remain then divorce — or seperate …God goes on to say that married people have divided interests when it comes to serving Him and thier mates as compared to single people… something to consider before a relationship is started.. yet not presented in many venues today — actually it should be taught in the home? that is my opinion…Never should ones interest be divided when it comes to the Lord.
    Should one have a divided house or not for the convenience/really? — marriage/relationships are difficult and in todays economy — you really need to be equally yoked as God said… not that other arrangements will not work — but life trials are tough — to me it would be like compost on weeds — making them smell even worse.
    Thanks for allowing me to opine.
    Good luck,and Godbless.
    Always,
    John

  • Becky

    I’ve never done this before and am not sure where this comment belongs – but I’m here so here goes.
    I know I am in a toxic relationship – only because when I dropped my husband off at the airport yesterday, even though I hated to see him leave (on a business trip) I felt free to be the me that I was before he and I got married – it felt really good. My husband constantly accuses me of having boyfriends (with no prompting – I don’t answer a call is reason enough; or am a few minutes late home from work) – but it seems everything he is accusing me of is possibly related to guilt (I would hope) he is feeling.
    Let me give some details: We’ve been married 4 1/2 months and he gave me his password to his e-mail account when we first got married – I don’t think he believed I would remember it. I did and have been reading his e-mails in various accounts. All was good for a couple months – nothing to worry about – a few e-mails from ex-girlfriends that were innocent enough – couldn’t believe he’d gotten married kinda stuff. Then he started requesting pictures from one . . . and now finally there is one that they are planning to meet, and spend ‘quality’ time. I told him the other day that I’d been reading his e-mails – but I don’t think he knows about the final one. He told me that he can put anything in an e-mail – implying that he knew I’d been reading them and they were just setting me up. His new job provides ample opportunity for an extra-marital affair with this woman. Of course, now he has changed all his passwords – ignorance at this point is not bliss. I ‘caught’ him on Sunday, logging into the incriminating account – and told him to ‘tell her I said HI’. He didn’t appreciate my comment, but didn’t reply either. He acts like I’m worried over nothing. I am waiting until he gets back from his business trip to discuss this with him – and ask him how he expects me to be able to trust him. I’ve always given people second chances and given them the benefit of the doubt – but the trust is gone – can I ever get it back?
    I had SWORN I would never get married – I had seen only one that I would ever want to emulate – and thought I had found the one. When I met my husband – I saw into his heart and his soul, and I think that bothers him – I KNOW we can make it if he would give us a chance -but I know I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to – and I know my mistrust will kill our relationship – but I see no way to trust anymore – if he is not willing to talk.
    Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

  • Anonymous

    Hi,
    I have been going through the same dilemna. He is having an affair.
    Can you afford to leave him.

  • LaCarolinaG

    Matt,That is the very reason I can’t find peace about it.The reason I need counseling. I still miss her terribly.I still wander to thoughts of what if down the line, counseled and in a proper situation. I don’t know if I can keep that yearning in check so my thoughts of reconciliation can be earnest. I thanked God, praised him for making the miracle of our coming back together ( she was my first love) and rationalized he had meant for us to be together. On top of that I have asked for her forgiveness but she does not want to try to understand or forgive but just put it all behind her. I completely understand that because when I realized it was over I kept going back and forth with everything trying to make her understand and it is not in her nature. It exhausted and frustrated her. It’s kind of the last symptom of the irrationality of the behavior. They’ve lost the love and you pester them until they hate you. Now I’ve promised to leave her alone. It’s killing me but I can’t waste any more of her life. It’s strange to say but at least because of the type of person I am most of the people that come in contact with me think I am unusually happy,funny, and easy going but in the quiet it’s Hell. I pray for peace and it helps. I really need to talk to someone. I have some with a Christian friend but I need someone to verbalize the hard choices. The ones I’ve made so far have almost killed me. The rest will be tougher and I need a safety net. I get alot of attention from women and I don’t want to make another mistake. I don’t think I will but I have always loved women and the company of women. I think the pain is both temptation and the reminder not to be tempted. It’s all really too much.

  • gonzalez

    It’s a 13 years old relation. 7 years ago we been separate and now 1 year ago we start our relation again. We have 2 kids together. At the begining of the relation he use to hit me and course at me. Know he don’t hit me but he treat me like I’m a old sofa that you need to put it in the trash beacuse is broke. He doesn’t work, so he doesn’t help in the house, but fight for everything, he want’s everything done as he said. When I try to talk to him about something that is vadering me he start coursing, screaming,throwing things and stuff like that. I don’t know how to end this relation without hurting my kids, ’cause they love their daddy. But it is true that my older son want’s his daddy to leave the house, but the youngest doesn’t want that. Please can somebody help to decide what’s the best way to finish with this relationship.
    Thanks
    the desperate mom

  • ariesgirl

    I don’t think anyone should stay and be abused, for anybody’s sake. Your children are just learning to be “like dad.” Well that won’t fly when they leave your house and get married. Leave and start over. It will be hard at first, nothing good comes easy. I learned a long time ago to put some money aside and don’t support people who want to live with you for free. When it’s over, don’t look back. Let him “take” the kids to his new home if he really wants to have them. Your peace is what is important. Explain to the children what is happening, but don’t let rule your house or your heart. You can’t give them everything they want. You can only change you.

  • Denise

    I know i am in a toxic relationship……. been in it for over 10 years and the sad thing is that i am not married to him. We have been together for 15 years and I can’t stand him to touch me, I can be myself when he isn’t around, he makes me feel like i am a nobody. And i stay because i am stupid and scared to be alone. And feel that i am just getting to old to be playing the dating game anymore.. I hate life because of him, he made me become a cutter, I have been depressed, stressed and just wanting to live sometimes but i do for my family and my son, I just lock everything up and make it seem like everything is okay.
    Denise

  • Jenni

    My boyfriend and I broke up last week. I’m only a sophomore in high school and the relationship was only three months along, but it seemed all wrong. At the peak, I thought we could really be soul mates because we get along really well, we agree on lots of things, and we have the same religion which means a lot to me.
    Then I herad a lot of things [rumors I'm sure] that implied he was cheating on me and/or asking other girls to date him. I’m not sure what to do about this because we had a talk today and things seem to be going alright. I told him all of my suspicions and fears. He proved them all wrong. Why would he admit to me that he asked my best friend to get something to eat [as friends, he told me] if he had anything to hide? Am I being paranoid or am I being naive?

  • Gina in Napa

    I am a woman with three young sons, 11, 6 and 3. My 6 year old has Autism and I am a cancer survivor. I left my husband again, for the 9th time, after 13 years. I filed for divorce and got my own place. I STILL have to deal with him over the phone and in person for the kids and exchanging them for visitation and I assure you, his verbal abuse continues. The good news is I have a safe home for the boys and I where we do not have to live in fear or around hostility and anger and constant screaming. It is better for all of us to be apart. I still love him but I am glad I can hang up and go into my own home without his toxic poisoning surrounding us. I did this through an organization called NEWS (Napa Emergency Women’s Services) and it took leaving all my belongings and taking myself with my three children and living in a shelter for domestic violence victims for a month. If I could do it, anyone can. Just make a plan and realize you are worth it. If you are not worth it, I bet you believe your children are.

  • http://besticecreammakers.blogspot.com Nicole

    I am very sad to read this comments. It reminds me of a case of my cousin that is married for 10 years for the man who make her feeling empty. Feeling like she is not worth of any good things. She is not having friends any more, she is not going out. Only taking care about the kids, and about the house. She has no job, and she is very dependent on him. There is no easy solution. I will pray for her, maybe he will change something…

  • Celine thompson

    a good relationship should feel like a gift from god. It should add
    positive to your life and complete it, not take away from and make you miserable to the point where you cry inside and want to run away. that is not love, that is dysfuction. Your needs need to be met, you deserve to feel loved, not neglected, beat on physically or emotionally.
    No one deserves to be abused, noone, and if you breathe you deserve better. Do not forget that. Now look again at what i have said here and if you are in a dysfunctional relationship love yourself enough to leave, forget the fear of alone, you wont be alone, god and the angels will carry you to safety and they will not leave you. you are never alone. god bless.

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