Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Stay or Leave?

posted by Beyond Blue

Thank you to reader Angela who wrote the following comment on my “People-Pleasing: Today Is Not Your Day” post:

I really appreciate this article today because I am also struggling with this issue in my life. I feel like I am leaning more towards ending my current marriage with my selfish, taker husband because I am tired of him not respecting my boundaries and his keep taking advantage of me and my kindness while I build more and more resentments against him. However, I have done the math and I do not make enough money to support my self and my daughter and both of my parents are deceased. Does anyone have any suggestions of how to move forward in a situation like this? I feel stuck because I feel I have pretty much made up my mind to end it, but do not know how to get out, where to live, how to afford to live and so on.

And thank you to reader Julissa who wrote the following on that same post:

This topic was something I guess I didn’t want to read or face. I notice how I constantly want to please my significant other. I’ll do practically anthing to please him. And I just feel like I’m not getting the same in return. It bothers me very much, but I can’t help myself to constantly people please him. I am quite aware of my actions, the problem is how do I stop? How do I bring myself to end the relationship or let him know that I’m feeling this way, and that all I’m doing is growing to resent him?

First, here are two reader comments that I think have valid points on these questions.


Babs, who always amazes me with her insights, wrote this heartfelt and beautiful story:

This is for Angela and others in a similar situation in their marriages. For many years I focused on all the “unselfish” things that I did for my husband, all the while growing in resentment at his lack of response. After awhile, I stopped making the efforts. I didn’t love him any more — and he knew that I didn’t respect him. Angela, I swear that I could have written your letter word for word, including the part about not knowing how I would be able to support myself if we divorced.
Fast forward to the last year — we were “lucky” enough to have him lose his job, and be forced to take one that kept him on the road for weeks at a time. With him gone, I had time to think about how much of my energy was focused on being angry with him because he didn’t meet my needs. As long as I did that, I did not have to face that my only reason for my “unselfish” kindnesses was for the return I would get from him. Of course, my anger had made him withdraw further. To make a long story short, I decided that I didn’t want to spend my life angry and resentful with him. I needed to make changes in myself – my neediness, my dependence upon him, my disappointment in him — and I did. I reminded myself that through all my craziness, he didn’t divorce me — God knows he could have. I began to show interest in him when he was home. Over some months, I found myself looking forward to his weekends home, instead of dreading them. I wasn’t faking interest, or ultimately affection. He could sense that my doing little thoughtfulnesses when he was home, was not to get something from him for myself. I think *that* made the difference. One day I came home to find that he had put a single red rose in a bud vase. This from a man who always has resented the sort of occasions (birthdays and holidays) when presents are kind of expected. When I asked him why he gave me the flower, he said because he wanted to. Believe me, that flower meant much more to me than any other gift he could have come up with.
We’ve been married for thirty years this December, and I can honestly say that this is the first time that I have felt love for him in twenty or so years. Things are not perfect — I don’t expect them to be. But once I changed my dance, he had to change his. The key, I think, was taking my focus off his “inadequacies,” and making changes in my own selfishness. One other thing: when I finished school and realized that I didn’t have to be dependent upon him financially, it freed me up to feel like an equal. Once I felt that, it was easier to release the anger I directed toward him for not living up to my expectations. He is who he is, and the problem wasn’t him — it was me.
I hope this helps someone in a similar situation.

And Kelly (and several others) also shared a valuable perspective:

It is so helpful to be here for insight, and not feeling alone. Angela, I was where you are 1 year ago, with a husband who took advantage of my giving for 20 years. It is false to think you can go on in a relationship being sucked dry with nothing given back to you. It wasn’t even that I EXPECTED anything given back, but I did expect to not have somebody make me feel guilty if supper wasn’t at a certain time, or I didn’t act just how he thought I should. My happy personality was continually stifled. If I had stayed in the relationship I know I would have gone to an early grave…literally. I commend the women who can manage to turn things around but it isn’t always the case. The love was gone and I had no more energy to even “try”. I was also faced with finances, and how could I make it on my own. I didn’t think it would ever happen, until one day, something just fell into my lap, something i thought “My God I think I can do this” My gut told me this was it, so scared and alone I made the leap. I have not once regretted my decision, and the finances have worked out even though I worried myself to death about it. I am still adjusting but am slowly coming to know who “Kelly” really is, the lost part of my soul that disappeared long ago. Good luck with your journey, YOU WILL find the strength and courage to get through this, just listen to the voice inside and when the time is right it will happen. I can’t tell you it’s all easy, but life can be better than what you have known. YOU DESERVE THE BEST LIFE HAS TO OFFER!



  • Christine

    Hi, I know the feeling because after two failed marriages with one child each, having to bring them up on my own money and solitude in between, obvious, because kids, although we love them dearly are time consuming. And definitely I know what it means to plan, actually plan an escape from a negative relationship, during which you HAVE to make love to this awful person who isn’t respecting you or your inner desires. Better said, have sex not make love with this person. Don’t despair, as one of my bosses once said to me, even if it is in a hole in the wall with little to get by on but in peace and with your priorities straight, you will be able to do it and it’s better for your self-esteem. It won’t be the lavish life one is used to, but not only will it teach your children the value of money but it will provide you with self worth, which is all important in a woman’s life. Since that time, I now have my own apartment, my kids have been well educated in private schools thanks to many kind persons, including my closest friends from school and others whom I will be eternally greatful to. My son is a professional, with a college degree living in Europe at the time. I won a car in a lottery, so accept your downfalls and work on them my dear because there is hope on the other side of the wall and you can make it work, you just have to have the courage to do so.
    I hope this little piece of advice is useful to you, because I don’t really know your true situation but if you need any advice, as far as I am capable I will attempt to help you.
    Don’t forget, nothing is terminal except for death and all the rest in between can be solved with the help of God and yourself. It’s just a question of acting on a decision.
    Regards
    Christine

  • Anonymous

    I Stepped out on faith and trusted GOD. Did not have any families in this city where we live. With trusted friends and God i left and and today I have a fulltime job parttime student, my son is now in college and have a 13 whos ggrade point average with GPA OF 3.5. i NEVER SEEN THE THE RIGHTEOUS FORSAKEN OR HIS SEED BEGGING FOR BREAD.We are bless. I did not have a job when i left i was working contract and not all the time did i have work. I search for an apartment. Move told the landlord what was going on with me and she baby put the past behind you and come on. I did. Today i am still in my apartment and just bought a brand new car. God is Good all the time.

  • stacy

    Wow! God is so organized! I really needed to know that I have sisters in the same boat with me. I too am recovering from a relationship where I felt my husband just took and took and that he didn’t appreciate me. He provided well for me and our 4 kids ( 2 his, 2 ours) but he also took all his negative energy and frustrations out on me.Projecting every negative feeling he had on to me. It was awful, because I resented every activity that made him angry or took him away from me. even though we are divorced, I still love him and miss our family being whole. I put my heart and soul into that family, and now I am facing financial problems, lonliness, and the overwhelming feeling of being hoplessly lost without my prior role. Thank you ladies for telling your story because you give me hope. I have been running low on hope lately.

  • Peg

    I can totally relate to so many of the comments but my own experience is that I choose to stay and be faithful to my marriage vows (f 40 years ago) which it has taken me a long time to even take seriously. We were separated a few times, divorced, and we remarried each other. Marriage is a discipline like any other disclipine taken seriously (i.e., sports, dance, etc.) and each day I have to work at it. My Catholic faith keeps me going against the odds society gives us these days. I had to look deep into myself to realize my own shortcomings that contributed and contribute to a good relationship.

  • Karen Sipos

    It seems we can all relate, and it is such a good thing that women have other women as mentors, to offer advice and to get them through these difficult times.
    I, like the rest, have been through a divorce…a horrible one, at that.
    When divorces occur the women are the ones that suffer the most in my opinion. (aside from the kids)
    (especially if we are stay at home moms). It is always frightening to think about finances and how we will live and make ends meet. I had a certain quality of life, standard of living. At first I felt as though the waitor came by and pulled the tablecloth right out from underneath me…Life as I knew it had completely changed. No one ever said life would be easy…and life is not always fair.
    I remember going on 3 seperate occasions to talk to attorney’s and each time the news was dismal. I came out crying with the same outcome each time. I was convinced I could not take care of myself and my girls…
    But then it all happened. I am not sure exactly how, but it did.
    I prayed for guidance……
    I left my ex, and it worked and I was able to somehow, someway support myself and my girls. It was never easy and still isn’t. However I took a leap of faith, I went with my gut feeling, and what I felt in my heart…what God put on my heart.
    We as women have so much to give, to offer. We do not give ourselves enough credit at times. We have to change our way of thinking, change our paradyne, and look outside the box a little. I can assure any of you that are thinking about a leave, that it WILL work out….trust in yourself, in your abilitites, have faith in yourself and in God, and he will see you through HE WILL.
    We are strong. I am stronger now, (at 48) for this experience than I have ever been in my entire life.
    Most importantly, I am emotionally well and I have inner peace and confidence in myself, like I never had before.
    We WILL Prevail !!

  • Cheryl

    When I read your post, I immediately wanted to say get out! Now,
    that is what I would do…..I would do whatever it took to get away
    from a negative situation like that. I have done that myself, and
    it usually took getting more than one job, sometimes three jobs to
    pay the bills, or get a higher paying job or a work at home job in
    addition to other jobs…..but do it now before your will and self-esteem are eroded further. Acutally, all the virtues you listed
    as yours are positive ones but need to be appreciated and not
    stomped on so you should not change those, but I also know that we
    cannot change others, only ourselves, so if you decide to stay then
    know that he will not change for you, so all you will be able to
    change is your reaction to his behaviours, and that may work if your
    attitude to the situation changes in the process. Good luck and take
    care.

  • oceangirl1

    Doesn’t anybody believe in prayer anymore or the sanctity of marriage? God can change a person completely, but it could take a long time. Nobody should stay in an abusive relationship, but I feel selfish being unhappy with trivial personality issues. Since I posted my story a few days ago, my husband has begun to talk about divorce. He is not happy either. A huge part of me would love it if he divorced me and it wasn’t my initiative that caused it. I don’t believe that divorce is right. I think the bible is clear on that. I am forgiven for my first divorce – when I took the easy way out – and I don’t want to seek another one knowing that it is wrong. The true challenge for a Christian is to stay in the marriage and to pray for it – even if your spouse is not praying for it! There are much bigger things than what we fight about. If things work out, your marriage honors God so much. I pray that we will stay together and that one day my husband will give his heart to Jesus. Then we will finally know what we are doing. Until God becomes the center of a marriage, it won’t work. I totally believe that. Pray with me that I get there in my own relationship.

  • Babs

    Oceangirl1– I *know* that God has helped us through a twenty-year period of unhappiness. When I said that we were “lucky” when my husband lost one job and had to go on the road for extended periods, I failed to make clear that it wasn’t luck at all, but an unexpected answer to many prayers. What I looked at as a break from our aggressive indifference to each other, has allowed God to work on both of us.
    Our marriage was not hatched under the best circumstances, but God has chosen to bless our efforts to stay together. My husband was raised in a very conservative Christian home, but does not profess Christianity. He does marvel at the Intelligence that created the universe, however does not believe in a personal God. He used to feel some pressure from me to accept my understanding (Catholic) of Jesus. All it did was put a further wedge in our relationship. I finally came to understand St. Paul’s words that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Jesus. I accept my husband’s beliefs; he, mine, and we are building a new marriage, even as we finally mature in our understanding of each other. God knows better than I do, or even my husband, my husband’s heart. And God loves him more than I can ever possibly hope. God knows best how to bring my husband to salvation. Remember too, it also says in the Bible, that the believing spouse blesses the unbeliever.
    No matter how your marriage turns out, concentrate on the ways *you* can better become the person God has always intended you to be. And ask Him, “What can I learn from this situation?”
    One last thing to any readers who might have this question: I have never suffered any abuse from my husband – ever. My response to anyone being so treated is to leave. A marriage in which one partner abuses the other is not a marriage at all. If there are children, then find a way out asap. They are learning from you how marriages work, and you want to teach your children well (as the song says).

  • oceangirl1

    My first husband was an alcoholic. He was usually not physically abusive. There was one incident in which he did hit and push me. Towards the end of our marriage, he threw things at me daily, including lit cigarettes. All of that, of course, was unacceptable.
    My current husband has never been physically abusive. In fact, I slapped his face once and he did not retaliate. What he does do that is very hurtful is that he uses bad language when we argue, which he knows I can’t tolerate, and he calls me stupid. I feel very disrespected. Even my first husband never called me stupid. I think this is verbal abuse – he knows both of these get to me. I think that it also shows his immaturity. I feel that these things come out in anger because we are so different and he resents some of our differences, mainly that I am college educated. I think that he tries to hurt me by showing that he is not impressed by my accomplishments – that he is still better than me at all the things we argue about (parenting and money mostly.) But is it something to end a marriage for?

  • Dale

    My wife and I have been married 9 years. The first 6 were completely magical. The mutual respect and love of those years were the happiest times of my life thus far. Then, she took a job teaching at a Catholic school. Her priorities began to change in this environment. The praise and adoration of the students, staff and her superiors was lavished on her daily, which she richly deserved. She became more and more involved with all aspects of her work, the Church and the lives of her students parents. Initially, I was supportive. She began to spend more time away from home, obviously dressing to please others, and spending less time with me and our children. I pleaded with her to have some restraint, to strike a better balance between work and home. This was met with resistance, to say the least.
    Nine months ago, I discovered she had been having an affair with a man who had been working with a Church fundraising effort. I was devastated. She threw herself on my mercy and said she’d never do it again. The school fired her. She ruined her reputation and threw our family life into a tailspin. Her remorse was very short-lived.
    Whether it was her craving popularity and approval for her considerable ego, boredom or whatever, I cannot seem to forgive. I am plagued by the shock of knowing what the love of my life has done to me. I relive the moment I found out about the affair every single day.
    This happened in the very shadow of the Church, between “believers”. No one said anything to me. In the past 9 months, my faith has been eliminated. No one, person or deity lifted one finger to do the right thing.
    Right now, divorce is looking very attractive. My soul feels polluted. Prayer might help me, if I still believed it would. It never stopped the affair. I did.
    What keeps me going now are the memories of what was, but this is getting shakier by the day. I don’t know how to proceed.

  • Babs

    Oceangirl1 — You don’t say in your postings how long you have been married or whether you have children. It sounds to me like both your husbands know that you don’t respect yourself. If you did, you would never have married two men who treat you badly. Yes, I would call the foul language abuse, and yes, it is immature. It is also a sign that your spouse is out of control.
    If marriage counseling is an option, I would look into it. If not, I would seek counseling on my own and try to understand why I was settling for crumbs in my marriage. Self-esteem seems like an overused (and misused) word. How about self-love? At first blush it sounds so… well…self-centered, but healthy people *do* love themselves, even the not-so-pretty parts. That is why they can be so compassionate to others. Loves breeds love. I am still working, myself, on all the parts of me that I find unloveable, but if you think of the opposite, self-loathing, you can see how that can lead to unhealthy relationships and a unhappy life.
    In your posting, I detect that you don’t view yourself as an equal in your marriage. You sound more like a child than a self-confident married woman. Yet you were smart and brave enough to get out of the first marriage. That showed a level of self-respect and courage many others lack in similar circumstances. What is it that you want for yourself, (what does God want for you?) and what is your plan to achieve it? Perhaps if you can determine that, your direction will become clear.
    God bless you and keep you.

  • ladybug

    First I just want to acknowledge your pain. Absolutely horrible to know your trust, commitment and love had been abused.
    You said this happened within the ‘very shadow of the Church.’ Church is made up of individuals, humans who sometimes make wrong decisions. Don’t let it eliminate your faith. Instead let it spark something inside you to help you heal your soul. You cannot let this infect your children’s fragile souls, their self worth. You need to be strong for them, provide them with love to help them carry on. Remember, children know something is going on and if they can’t pinpoint it they blame themselves. Don’t let that happen. Let them know they are loved [by both of you] and perfect as they are.
    I would make a few choices straight off: get therapy for yourself to move toward a direction of your choice and perhaps marriage counseling/therapy together as a couple which will help you make that decision on which way to go. After that, think of a fresh start in a new town.
    I hope I’ve helped a teeny bit but only you can decide what is right for you. I do believe talking to an impartial person such as a therapist can help you on that road to heal your soul.

  • lilfaery

    OceanGirl1, I understand from your posts that you are a devout Christian, which I am not. I do follow basic rules of life taken from the Bible such as “Do unto others”…, “Though shalt not kill” etc but I do not believe that “God” controls my every situation, and that “God” can or will fix everything in life if we pray enough.
    I think that a person can change IF THEY WISH TO DO SO, and IF THEY MAKE THE EFFORT. In such cases, it is possible that the person’s “Higher Being” or “God” MAY make resources, people, courses etc available to the person for their choice. It is not until one accepts responsibility for one’s own circumstances, that things can begin to change. That I believe, is initiated by the person’s willingness to change the status quo. There are many instances of people living their lives in squalor, or alcoholic, or in abusive relationships where nothing changes, until the person themself decides they will not do it anymore.
    Like many who post here, I’ve had a rough life too, and in some ways it was due to poor choices made when I could not see or accept that the choice was not the best one for me at the time. I’ve been through a toxic situation with neighbours in the last 5 years. They threatened my life, my property, my pets and my sanity for two+ years, and no matter what I or my other neighbours did, the housing authority would not move them. They had been moved 6 times before due to their social problems, and everyone around here (including Business people) complained about them from the day they moved in. The mother did nothing but complain and try to scam stuff from people, and if refused, she turned on them and spread viscious lies about them all over the neighbourhood. I helped her out with food and toys for the kids, and all sorts of things, until I decided I would not do it anymore because they were not changing their behaviour to accomodate my needs. The final outcome of my fight to get what I deserved in life saw me completely vindicated. The family were at last moved and within 4 months, the eldest son (17) had firebombed their new home with a home made molatov coctail, because the mother would not allow him back in her home after his umpteenth time in juvenile detention.
    I suffered a stress breakdown through that time, and I have resultant Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms, that are clearing up a little at a time. I have now come to practice a much less giving role in my life and a more balanced one. I learned (hard as it was) the worth of my ‘self’ and my needs, and my right NOT to give if I felt uncomfortable about doing so. I would love to say I am delightfully happy, but I am not. HOWEVER, I am safe, have a nice home, love all of my beautiful pets to bits, have a lovely garden with things I like and encourage my relationship with all the special birds that nest in my trees that I planted for their benefit. I surround myself only with people who love and support me, as I do them. I met a man 4 months ago that I had known before, and we are again dating. I have today decided after reading Therese Borchard’s wonderful article, “People Pleasing – Today Is Not Your Day”, that I will give him two years to have moved in with me, or I will walk away. I know that will be so hard if he has not made that decision, but we are not kids and I will not give more of my time past that date. I think 2 years is enough time for him to decide if he wants to marry me or not. I would rather choose to live alone without him if he cannot make a decision to share with me. The thing is, he does not know this and he won’t until the day, if that day comes. I have changed today, and the change in me will elicit a change in him, one way or another.
    We cannot change other people. Our power is in what we can do ourselves. If one continues doing the same thing and expects a different outcome, then one is fooling themself. Was it Ghandi who said, “We must be the change we wish to see”. Wise words.
    I completely respect your beliefs and I hope you can understand where I am coming from in my disagreeing with your statement OceanGirl1. My post is simply my view on something you posted about “God”.
    May the Angels bless you and keep you safe.

  • oceangirl1

    I have some really good news! I still believe that God is in control and that he can use everyday situations to admonish or teach us. My husband is in the slow process of remodeling our house. This weekend he had planned to finish our new second bathroom. When he installed our new hot water heater, it didn’t work. The water never got hot. Since it was Saturday night, we couldn’t get any tech support on it. I really suspected that he had made a mistake during the installation, but I knew he was really upset about it. My normal, immature way of dealing with this would have been to berate him and insist that he had done something wrong and have a huge argument about how inconvenient it was for me to have to heat up water until we got some help with it. I feel that God told me to be more understanding and to try to build him up. It was totally out of character for me to control myself like that, but with God’s help I did. I told him that I appreciated what he had done. I heated water with no complaints. I told people on the phone that my husband had worked really hard on the project. I did not criticize him at all. He was very down about it, but quiet. He didn’t lose his temper either, just kind of kept to himself. The next day, we were able to get tech support and replace a defective part that got it working quickly. I continued to be loving, kind and uncritical toward my husband. I am so thankful to God for using this situation to help me to hold my tongue and lift my husband up instead of tearing him down. I still suspect that he made a mistake with the initial installation, but I realize that it is not necessary to ever say so. The problem is taken care of and I discovered that it is possible and rewarding to put others’ feelings ahead of my own.

  • Anonymous

    We’re coming up on our 24th (Aug. 7) year of marriage. It’s been a long road of ups and downs. My husband has been an alcoholic and a workaholic our whole relationship. We’re high school sweethearts (met in 1980) and I love him, but I’m no longer “in-love” with him. I do my duty as a “helper,” but I feel like I’m the “doer of it all!” He doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body, and he never helped with child-rearing (I had “the talk” with both our daughter and son). He’s always been a good provider, but even then, it’s always by the seat of his pants. He’s a contractor, so I don’t think I need say more. He doesn’t want to work “for the man,” which puts me in the position of making sure there is a steady paycheck coming in to pay the mortgage. I’ve always worked full-time, even while going to school and raising the kids. My paycheck hits the bank (direct deposit), and within 3-4 days it’s all gone. Then, I’m waiting on him to make up the difference. Most times, we’re behind on everything, I’ll rob Peter to pay Paul this month, and next month, I’ll have two payments to make up to Peter. I’m sick of the cycle. We don’t go out, no vacations, no special anniversaries; Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays are just “another day.” We’ve never really had wedding rings, and the one I have lost its diamond, which has never been replaced in more than five years! We’re still in our “starter home” after 18 years.
    I know that I could make it on my own, but I feel utterly selfish and as if I’ve failed somehow. The “D” word is always in the back of my mind. However, I don’t know if it’s fear, thinking it will get better some day, or just the thought of being alone once I break away. At 42 years of age, I’m sure I won’t be doing any dating or trying to meet anyone else. More than 25 years with one man is enough!
    I gave up dreams and hopes of a better future which never materialized. I lost myself in the process of being a good mother, wife, daughter and grand-daughter. I have very few friends or relatives that I can confide in. I don’t take any time for me – what would I do with myself? I don’t do “support groups.” I don’t like to impose my disappointments and sorrows upon anyone, and I’m growing ever more angry, resentful and tired. Yet, I cannot muster the strength to walk away. I’m hoping that within the next year, my daughter will finally be done with her medical assistant certificate and be working to support herself and her own daughter (21mos.; she got pregnant at 16, got her GED at 17 and is now making great strides towards her own self-sufficiency). That will free me up from worrying and caring for them. My other worry is my 93-yr. old grandmother. I have power of attorney. Once, she’s gone, I think life will be simpler, but for now, I’m pulled in all directions, and I’m ready to be done with it all, including the man who feels that a paycheck is his only duty to me and our family.

  • Babs

    Congratulations, Oceangirl1! You took one step toward bridge-building and God was able to use it. When I got to the point of realizing my part in making my marriage miserable, I thought for a while of sharing it with my husband. When I talked it over with my counselor (who is a Christian), he suggested that I just let my actions speak for themselves. That is a pretty Biblical concept. It has worked for us. I also remind myself of something I tell my students (I am a teacher) “Everything that comes into your mind isn’t worth speaking out loud.” Sometimes it is the random thoughtless things we say that undermine others. Men, especially, take a lot of pride in being able to do guy-type stuff such as house repairs. When things go wrong (as they often do), they get rather fragile. Anything that we can do to show support is really appreciated, even if not acknowledged. This is a long process and you have to be able to invest in it for the long haul. Keeping your spiritual life active goes a long way in running the race.

  • Charlotte

    Hi. Some of these statements you are making really hits home. I was married at 18 with a child on the way out of wedlock to a man who became an alcoholic and was physically abusive to me for 6 years. I never told anyone until after I divorced him (married 12 years) and then I found out that he was cheating on me my whole marriage. I had forgiven him for one affair I had known of, but when I saw him always talking to my neighbor and never talking to me, I filed for a divorce. He was never home and always fishing or drinking with his buddies while I raised three wonderful boys (my world all that time) practically without him. We would spend weekends at his parents from 9 am to 11 pm and they drank all the time with neighbors or relatives stopping by. I didn’t drink, so it was quite boring to sit all day and night while they got drunk and laughed out of control. My husband was in the coast guard, but he finally got stationed close to home, so it was okay for a while. It was after that, that we stopped being together so much and he neglected me. After the divorce though, he ended up returning for a year and a half, but then decided to like his boss’ sister whom he married and is still married to today. (I guess she drinks a little so they were more compatible.) I always believed in God, but I didn’t attend church because my parents didn’t. My husband was Catholic, but I didn’t consider myself that and we never went to church. We had been separated for a year and a half once before the 3rd child was born, then reconciled. During that break-up I accepted Jesus while watching a TV show. I had contemplated suicide but that saved me.
    After my husband left for the last time, I met a Christian man who had just gotten born-again one and a half years before that. His mom and dad were Christians, and his mom was a very charismatic believer and a wonderful lady! But for my husband, Christianity wasn’t a solid foundation yet, so he became abusive and started threatening me adter three years of marriage. We did go to church and I even sang in the band there, but he was somewhat withdrawn and not very socialable. We didn’t have any children together and he never had any from a previous marriage, so he didn’t really know how to raise kids. My children were a blessing from the get-go and very polite and well behaved. They didn’t give me a problem when they were young and they were my whole world! Since their dad didn’t like me getting married, he didn’t want my kids around another man and he convinced them to move in with him so he wouldn’t be alone. The two older boys moved in with him when each turned 12 (2 1/2 years apart) but the youngest stayed with me. He was the happiest child I ever knew! He always had a smile on his face and loved life. But when I went to work when he was in fifth or sixth grade and my husband was home with him alone, things changed. He was abusive to my son and made him do all the chores, yelling at him for not doing things right or finishing one up (he told him to stop and do another). I didn’t know this was going on, but my son’s disposition was changing. He no longer smiled a lot and his brothers were picking on him when he went to his dad’s house. (His wife had two girls and a boy about my kids ages.) My son felt like an outcast and got into drugs later, but it was too late for me to change things. When my husband got abusive to me and then yelled at him for something stupid in front of me, I kicked him out. I said I wasn’t going to be threatened, or killed from his anger because I had gone through it once before. He moved out and never came back. (He wouldn’t go to counseling, so I didn’t want him back.) To this day I don’t know the whole story behind his abuse of my son for he won’t talk about it, but I am glad I stopped it. (Had I known about his brother’s being mean, I would have stopped that too, but I didn’t have a clue!)
    After divorcing my second husband, I was single for 3 years. Then I met a man at a single’s dance my girlfriend from church told me about. I went because it was non-smoking and a lot of Christians went. The first dance I went to, a guy asked me out. Two weeks later he was moving in with me (never a good thing to compromise with GOD!) and said he would take care of me if I took care of him. He had been married 18 years and was still trying to get back with his wife, but things happened and he came back to me (a WHOLE other story). Then I kicked him out because his kids were disrespctful. He had three 3 teenage kids, 2 girls and a boy. At first they liked me when they first met me and were living with us before we married, but when they were there longer, they were mean to me. After being away from him for a year, when I was going to marry someone else, he begged me to marry him. He asked that I never leave him! I wasn’t going to! His kids moved back in with us too! They destroyed my house every day but never were there- my husband worked 2rd shift so they went back to their mom’s everyday after school (when they went to school!) I was quite lonely since he wasn’t there all day, but we were best friends and he was good to me when we lived together the first year. After we got married, he was yelling at me for something every day. Since I didn’t know how to step-parenting went, I didn’t realize not to take anything personal when the kids did things to me. The oldest was the worst and threatened to have me and her mother killed (problems at home too with disrespect because the hubby didn’t respect his wife!) The boy was okay to me most of the time. The middle teenager was likable most of the time too. But my husband started neglecting me in ways and then he left me out of the blue. I was at a wedding shower the day he left. I came home to a messy house because he went through things and took his stuff out, leaving mine in turmoil. I was devestated!
    We started seeing each other after he moved out and I really thought we would get together and remarry, but I started getting out and meeting people. I had a boyfriend and didn’t want to see him again, then didn’t stay with the other and he saw me a while, just to end it when he found a gal with a “Flat stomach” and she was 14 years younger than he was! I guess it was my fault, but I really loved him. I might have had him forever had I let him see me when he was wanting to come back. Of course, maybe he would have used me again, who knows? (He never hit me or abused me physically either.)
    After we got a divorce and three years later, I met my present husband at the same singles dance. He asked me to dance and he was 10 years younger. Handsome and fun, exciting, you know? But he had four children, 8,10, 12 and 14…the youngest a girl, 3 boys. Well, I met them and they were real sweet the first time around. I fell for my husband right away! And then I had him move in with me because he was living with his sister an hour away…(going through a divorce. See? Compromised God again. Thought a man’s love would validate me. (IT DOESN’T) Got into the same situation, but it was extremely difficult because the kids came every other weekend and always had friends. They were allowed to stay up all night and it drove me nuts! My husband was extremely lenient and spoiled his kids. I tried to keep my ground and have part of my house still, but he got angry at me for stepping in to help raise his kids. The oldest boy didn’t like me and was a real problem. The girl and I became good friends and my husband was jealous instead of thankful and pulled her away. HE was angry and stopped talking to me. He stayed away when I was home and went home when I was out. When his son moved in with us without his asking me in our third year of marriage, I was upset because the kid was trying to break us up and lied to his dad. Two weeks later, my husband was gone! Didn’t give me any money and I wasn’t working then! But we saw each other again and I talked him into going to counseling. Afer he left, I started going to church on my own because I knew I needed God to get me through this. We didn’t finish counseling and then I got him to attend marriage classes at church. I was ecstatic. I thought God was going to do a miracle in my life and bring him home! When he got evicted from his apt. just 5 miles away, he did move back in with his two sons. (The others were in FL with their Mom.) For two weeks. When I asked for some money, he wouldn’t give me any. He wouldn’t discuss the finances and start paying me for being there. He didn’t want to spend time with me and went to his family’s out of town when I needed his help. He then told me he would give me a $100 and went to get it, returning with a huge uhaul to move everything out! I was hurt again!
    He moved the hour away and I thought we would never see each other, but we did. He finally let me see his house and stay there on New Year’s Day. The kids were there for vacation too. I started being able to go there, and when he worked his second job in town, he would stay here with me those nights. I was trying to start fresh and show him love and understanding since we kind of jumped into a marriage type relationship before dating when we lived together. I wanted to set that solid foundation. Well, he was okay for a while, but he started to be late, or a no show and make me wait to see him. Always something came up to prevent him from coming over. I didn’t yell at him for a long time about being late (used to when we were married and he went away for hours with his kids and said “I’m on my way” so I wouldn’t go anywhere, but not come home!) I know now that he didn’t respect my time by being late, and the information I got from here about “Controlling the time by being late” was right on. I never realized that before! Well, his kids came here at different times this spring and summer and all the sudden he is moving to FL to be near them and I am not invited! I was so sad. But get this. I spent the night with him and we made love and he acted okay with me being there, but when I got in my car to leave the next day, there was an envelope on the windshield. In it was a letter explaining him going to FL and he would call me about the disillusionment. He had forms for that all blank for names and info to fill out. And it said we would never live together or contact each other again! HA! I am not signing them. I will file for divorce and get him to acknowledge that he has a responsibility to help pay the debt. (He put me 150,000 in debt and then left. I am losing my house in Aug. being evicted after foreclosure as I can’t afford it myself) He hardly gave me any money (I borrowed and paid most of it back as I got it)and didn’t care if I starved (I got a bridge card finally) and thinks I am on my own, we are too old for that(him paying my bills) and that it’s over because he loves me but isn’t IN LOVE WITH ME anymore! WOW! How do you think I feel? I helped him with his loan payments so they weren’t late, helped him with his kids, took him to work, helped a bit with his house, did many things for him even after he left me to show him agape love and hoped he’s see Jesus in me and give his heart to God. But all the sudden, I am out of his life and he never wants to see me again! NO explanation except we aren’t compatible to live together! (HA! It’s his selfishness to share himself with a woman after he gets her to fall for him and uses all her money!)
    But, though he did that, it’s time to let go and let God. He will do whatever it takes to make my life right. With or without my husband. I hated going through another divorce and I told myself this marriage was for good, through thick or thin, no matter what….work it out. But my husband is a hedgehog and also if he doesn’t like something, he won’t tell you so you can change, he just keeps silent and then leaves. So he just has to deal with his own problems and selfishness on his own and maybe some day he will understand the power of love and GOD and know he left a wonderful person who could have given him a decent life, had he just tried respecting her and her time. His kids always come first and I always came last. So, the next time I get into a relationship, it will be with a born-again Christian who is already strong in the faith, attending church weekly, knows how to respect a woman, and will make a real commitment someday when he marries. No more taking the first man who comes along and chooses me and falling for his bogus line to capture my heart. I will not let a man live with me and compromise God, therefore the relationship will be founded on solid ground and it SHOULD work. I say should because there are no guarantees. I still think there should be classes in school by fourth grade on relationships and we would all be more functional.
    I know this is long and it probably looks like I have a pattern. But the first two marriages were terminated because of abuse. The last two were not my decision at all. I would have remained married to my third husband forever. I would have remained married to my present husband forever. But I can’t make anyone love me and I have to choose better character in a partner, not settle for someone because they approach me and I am flattered. For those who are in relationships, know that there are good times and bad in every one. It’s up to you how you react to things that come up and I am learning about differences between men and women and about men’s different language from ours so I can communicate better with them. My last husband’s mindset didn’t match mine because he is a bit less mature and we didn’t agree on the kids and the money. I will ask myriads of questions before ever marrying again and if the man won’t talk about God, money, childrearing if applicable, goals, etc. then I won’t even consider him for marriage. Honesty and being up front on things is a must. If we wrote down our desires, our requirements of character, how we make decisions on things, and all the things you need to know about yourself and what you want in a man, then we wouldn’t be in our situations with the wrong ones! Be more careful, more critial for yourself, set higher standards. Don’t compromise what you want for it will always make you unhappy. Learn to accept a person’s flaws as well as his attributes. NO one is perfect. Listen well. Use your instincts. Don’t let the butterflies in your stomach be the only thing that says marry him! Being in love is only a fleeting moment, loving someone can last a lifetime!

  • Chris

    The article on Why People Have Affairs and the comments readers shared have been very helpful to me. I’ve been through the affair issue, as stated in the article to complete my home life, considered divorce, but scared due to financial and health issues. I appreciate hearing both sides of the issues and hope that the contibutors continue to write more about their experiences and the outcome. They tell it as it really is and not from rosey glasses. Thank you.

  • Been There

    WOW!!!!!!! I have spent the last hr reading everyones messages…I can almost relate to everyone who has written…..I am 51 yrs old and learning to live for me and man its not easy. I have never been so scared in all my life.
    I stumbled upon this site…how do I keep up w/ current postings and once i push send this message will you all be lost in cyber space somewhere?

  • Babs

    Dale — I don’t know if you are still reading this blog entry, but sometimes life just sucks. You took a punch to the heart and are still staggering; a year hasn’t even passed since it happened. It seems that no one, including God, lifted a finger to help you. I know that is how it feels, but I also know you haven’t somehow slipped from God’s consciousness. What we *do* know is that God doesn’t pull our puppet strings, or program us to be robots. God understands the prayers you can’t pray. Somewhere in scripture it says that the Holy Spirit prays for us when we can’t. You will experience healing, but it will take time, and your consent.
    I agree with another poster, that I would seek a counselor for your own benefit. You have a right to your feelings – just don’t let them destroy you. A counselor could help you get back on your feet when you are ready.

  • Jules333

    Dear Dale,
    You said that “No one person or deity lifted one finger to help you”. Are you sure about that?
    First, let me say that horrible, unthinkable things happen to people everyday. By expecting people to help you, you are setting yourself up for a big letdown.
    I fully understand that you were in the company of “believers”. Therefore, one could reasonably think that assistance is at hand, and that one is safe in their company.
    Just because a person or persons claim to be Bible believers or Christians does not automatically make them so. And we cannot assume to decide for ourselves which are true and which are players. That is for God to know, and rest assured that He does. Do not expect anything from people, but be thankful if you do receive.
    As for help from a deity, I must point out that you DID find out about her betrayel. She hid it for many months, you begged her to re-prioritize, she declined and then you were shown. In His time. Additionally, after absorbing such soulshaking information, you are STILL HERE to discuss it!!!!
    There are many people out there who would not/could not endure to live after that. But here you are Dale! Scared but strong enough to get through. Looking for suggestions and any help you can get! YEA for you! Not only are you strong enough to go on….you WANT to go on as well. That in itself tells me that you will be fine.
    If you’re faith is shakey, at least point it in the correct direction. People. Don’t let the actions of people ruin your faith in God.
    For sure, God has been there, with you, the whole way, and still is. I know you’re exhausted. But if you just give Him a chance, you’ll see that He did not forsake you. And that He IS real.

  • Earlie

    My relationship with my husband I am beginning to believe is coming to an end because I do not enjoy our life together and I feel that he is also lying about his drug use and I believes that he is an habitual lier, which he says he is not lying and I notice some nights he has some powerful nightmares that he is actually calling for help; that may not be a reason to say he is on drugs but he has use them in the past and what ‘s to say he is not on them.
    How can I free myself of the ill feeling that I carry for him?
    I have been praying for the Lord to take me out of this or give me some sign about this.
    I know that the lies I believe is a problem and the communication is not so good but I always let him know that if I ever go to get some help he can pack his bags to go.
    I realize what I need and want and in the last year, I am becoming more dissatisified with him; but when I am not mad or dissatisified I find myself wanting him but this is constantly changing.
    I know what I need to do but I keep procrastating and I believe it is because I want this to work or not…………….CONFUSED

  • lilfaery

    Hi Earlie,
    in life, we can love someone without liking them, or without liking or condoning their actions. The question is, “Do you love your husband enough to want to continue with the marriage?”
    If the answer is yes, then it is integral that he do what he needs to do to accept his problems and work on and with them. If you do not love him enough, then I suggest you find a way to leave, because if you continue with your unhappiness you will end up hating him and that could be disasterous.
    Procrastination is a sign of putting things off due to not acceptance of the statis quo. So, you have lost your trust in him, you assume he is on drugs again, you assume he is lying to you and you are unhappy.
    Freeing oneself of ill feeling towards anyone, is I think, a matter of accepting them for where they are at, and forgiving them for not being what you want them to be. This is not to say that you say “I forgive you, what you have done/are doing is ok” or “it doesn’t matter, I forgive you”. No, not at all. Forgiving someone of wrongs you perceive they did will FREE YOU. When you no longer blame or resent a person for something they have done wrong, you have no reason to feel so badly about them. After all, it is his actions and not the person that you do not like.
    Accept your own part (whatever that may be) for YOUR own situation, and see how things can change and improve when you decide what to do about your issues. You cannot change others, but communication with them to let them know how you feel and what you intend to do about it, will help you to be free of your anxiety more quickly.
    I hope this may help a little. As always, they are suggestions not advice. Only do anything that seems right to you, and then you are doing it from choice, not because someone said you SHOULD. I don’t like that word, SHOULD. I much prefer to change the wording to COULD. It holds much more personal power and less blame.
    All the very best to you.
    Sending Angel Blessings your way,
    love, lilfaery

  • Angeline

    I’ve been reading some of these comments, and considering what I have been through, forgiveness is not always an option.
    My man is an alcoholic who refuses to admit he has a problem. He thinks drinking 10 beers is a “little” drunk. When I remind him that 3 beers will put him in DUI status, he refuses to believe me, and I’m a nurse!
    I have personally witnessed his actions when he drinks. If there are more than two visitors who bring beer, he will drink as long as everyone else is drinking. He “forgets” his marriage vows, claims his brain does not comprehend what is important. He uses it as an excuse to be with other women, even when he knows I might drop by his friend’s home or even show up at some of his favorite haunts.
    Last year, I caught him with a woman I worked with who “forgot” that we were married. The worst part about it was that he knew how much I despised her in the first place. Secondly, she’s thirty years older than him. Now, what kind of man cheats on a woman with someone old enough to be his grandmother? A drunk.
    I spent my nights in tears. My days were walking nightmares. I could not believe any man could be so purposely cruel.By the time I decided that I needed to re-prioritize my life, putting ME first, for a change, then I began to see that I could not forgive him for choosing beer over me. Once he saw that I had lost respect for him, all pretense of having a life together forced him to see that I would not allow his drinking to ruin my life. Since he never once apologized for anything he ever did to hurt me, I made the decision to cut him out, forcing him to find his own shelter and clothes because I was not going to put up with his idiotic excuses for his addiction anymore.
    When he saw that I was surviving just fine without him, got a new boyfriend, moved to a new, nicer area, maintained my standard of living without asking anything from him, then he realized I was better off without him. It did not stop him from drinking, of course. In fact, he slowly slid downhill, becoming more and more irresponsible and less careful of maintaining a good reputation at work.
    Oh, I still love him. I love the man who is sober, and he just does not understand what those words mean. Since I refuse to be around him when he is drinking, he either chooses to be by himself or else he chooses to stop drinking in order to see me.
    The saddest part of all is that, to this day, he has no possessions. He has no bed, no couch, nothing to call his own. He sleeps where he falls, and if he gets so drunk that his bladder relaxes, fouling himself and his bedding, he thinks it’s funny. He does not comprehend that he is barely two steps away from overdosing on alcohol.
    He does not like coming over to see me. I see it in his eyes. I know some feeling for me exists, because he eyes light up when he sees me. But then he looks around, remembering that I do not live the way he does. He does not understand why I would spend my precious money on magazines, orange juice, beautiful paintings or a unique floor lamp. Why have a bed when you can sleep on the floor? And then I tell him that I am not an animal, I am human, and I deserve to live like a decent human being with food in my refrigerator and rent paid on time.
    It’s no longer a matter of forgiveness. It’s a matter of survival. Any man who thinks so highly of himself, yet neglects and abuses the one person he claims to love—it ain’t love. It’s only ego talking. He only wants control over you so that nothing stands in the way of his addiction. And no man is worth destroying your life just to have him disrespect you, abuse you in front of friends and family, neglect you by refusing financial aide for the necessities of life like rent & grocery money, and then allow his friends to abuse you right in front of him. No man like that is worth the ground you walk on.
    Alcoholics are addicts, and their addiction rules their life. There is no room in their lives for compassion or empathy. Addicts think only of themselves, satisfying their craving, and hurting you just to get his own way is a form of control designed to degrade the sober one and make a woman feel worthless without him. When an addict is sober, the reality he sees forces him to realize he is a failure as a man. He sees you dressed to the nines, compares how he looks in his consignment jeans and faded tee-shirt, and he feels bad. Feeling bad about himself makes him angry, and the cycle starts all over again.
    Wake up girls! The nicest present you could ever give yourself or him is to refuse to put up with his addiction, his behavior and his excuses.

  • Michelle

    This is in reference to the comment posted by Angeline and others. My husband is an alcoholic and has been for many years. I am sorry to say that due to his alcoholism I have grown apart from him. I knew this was happening and tried to explain this to him, however, he never really listened. I have in the past threatened him with divorce, but never actually went through with it. I have now told him that I do want a divorce and that I am going to go through with it. Now he tells me that he will do ANYTHING to not lose me, even quit drinking. I have told him that I am passed the drinking part, that my feelings have changed towards him. I do love him, I care for him, I do not like hurting him, I do not like to see him cry, but I do not want to be married to him any longer. I am 40 and I want more out of life than he has given me in the past 19 years.
    Our daughter is 18 and just graduated from high school. My husband has NEVER been involved with our daughter’s life. He never attended any of her school functions, parent/teacher conferences, carnivals, etc. Basically, the only time they had any conversation was when they were arguing (which caused and still causes a great strain for me.) Now my husband tells friends that he loves me and my daughter so much and that he wishes that he would have been involved in our daughter’s life. I warned him throughout the years that one day he would regret his lack of involvement, but he would not listen or change.
    My husband and I went on a four day vacation with some friends to a lake. Every night my husband was so drunk. He does not remember the late evenings or nights. In the evenings and nighttime I had to babysit for him for fear that he would fall in the camp fire, fall in the lake and drown, get bit by a snake, say rude and/or sexual remarks to others, etc. This part of the vacation was horrible. I had a great time during the day riding in the boat, swimming, etc. It really hit me while on vacation, that I wanted a divorce. I got to see other couples and single people having a great time!!! I want this for myself….I am tired of being a sitter for my husband.
    Now that I have told him that I will be filing for divorce, he has told friends that he has no idea what he will do without me because I have always done everything for him – chauffered him around, handled the house, banking, bills, groceries, raising out daughter, etc. He is lost….I feel really bad for him, but I need a life that is fulfilling to me….

  • Don

    Interesting enough!
    I just broke up with a GAL who had a TON is issues (drugs, included) and it’s FUNNY how you rarely see stories from GUYS on this. After reading these I was beginning to think: All men are BAD! Maybe more men should talk about THEIR relationships! I think we’d AL be AMUSED!
    :O

  • Anonymous

    MY husband has manipulated me from the beginning. He told me he was married once before. I now find out he has been married 5 other times.
    People are fooled by him and like him He isa golden boy. He has been on prescription pain medications for years. he is manipulator. has a great job and lies, lies and lies. walks through the door and is in rage at everything. Tells people lies about me. I tried to leave him once but he decieved and told so many stories and threatens me with so mabny things.

  • michelle faza

    I was in love with my husband at first. untill he introduced me to his evil ways having sex…it was very scarey…i thought i was having a break down…well..to make a long story short…now i have tried to move on…but he keeps hanging around ..homeless and now has me feeling sorry for him…it is so bad that i feel like GOD wants me to keep helping him…can someone please help me?

  • michelle faza

    I need to just convince me that im only hurting my happiness….but happiness is really going to start after i die!

  • David Samuel Mann

    I am in a relationship almost identical to what I have been reading. I too was afraid that I could not make it on my own. I had a hard time believing that she did not really love me anymore and was using me to satisfy her needs only. I’m so glad that I have found this topic in Beliefnet. I have been seeing mostly women posting but I know this can happen to men also. Your posting has really helped me and I know that I’m really not alone. My relationship has been hurting for years but I just could not except defeat. I just kept trying to make it work even thou I knew it was a one way relationship. I still try to make her happy and I put her wants and needs first even thou she has hurt me with her sarcasm and cruel words. There is know cuddling and touching. No kiss goodnight and I love you never leaves her lips. I was ill and have put on weight and that gives her more ammunition. Every thing I do is for her and it seems like I just can’t stop my love. I know it is in vain. With God’s help I will get through this.

  • Lynn

    It is so amazing how GOD puts us in places. I was checking my spam mail and this topic popped up. WOW, I left my husband three weeks ago. ( I came home yesterday). We are still not agreeing on some things, who am I kidding it is probably still the same. We are just trying not fight. Our kids are just a mess they are 13 and 10. I lived with my mother with the kids in her very small house and our house dog. I slept on her couch for 3 weeks. I was missing my bed not so much my big messy house. Instead of going to church this morn we went out to eat and spent time with the kids. A lot of people were shocked when we seperated because we are the perfect family or at least that is what everyone thought. I feel I am being mentally abused and he thinks it is normal. I have not been happy for a long time. This time last yr I had a breakdown after taking some medication that did not agree with me. I have not felt we have had a connection since then. I am sad it seems like all the. I guess I am in the same situation as the above. I don’t feel I can take care of myself and my kids on my lil job (which I jsut started 2 months ago.) I have talk to my pastor to GOD and family and Friends but when I think about being without him i get sad but when I am with him I as sad . oh Lord I am so confused. I would really like some advice! I thank God for sending me this sight.

  • Anonymous

    Wow, I just read many posts and I can certainly indentify with so many of them. I feel for all of you from the bottom of my heart and soul. I am a born again spirit filled believer. My husband stated that he too was a born again spirit filled believer when we met. I saw a man filled with the Love of God walking with the Lord. But it seems that quite some time ago he abondoned God and everything associated with God. This has certainly hurt our marriage. We have been married for 6 years. 5 have been very unhappy. Each year or even each month it seems to get worse. Within 6 months of being married, my husband disclosed some things to me that had he disclosed them when we were dating I would have never married him. But,I believe in commitment. I believe too many couples divorce as soon as the first trail comes. Unfortunately, in the 2nd year of marriage my husband began to emotionally and verbally abuse me. I have found out this is really nothing new to his life. But when we were dating I never experienced this from my husband.
    He has many addictions, ( it seems like he becomes addicted to anything that one can be addicted to, including internet porn. All of this has just built more resentment and unhappiness in me. He had previously been addcited to drugs and alcohol but had been off them since the 80′s. But had a relapse with prescription pain meds a few years ago when I was given pain meds for a chronic pain condition. He began stealing my drugs, but got caught through a urine test at work and was forced into treatment.
    I believe all these factors has made it impossible for me to be the wife I would like to be. I am his 4th wife.
    I was married 2 other times . The first time, just a little over a year and the second a little over 20years. In my second marriage there were many trials. Not all of them were just about my ex an I. ) But many different life trails. So my ex decided life would be better with someone else. He didn’t want to be with me anymore. He decided he wanted to marry someone he met at work.
    His wife found out she was ill with a chronic disease about 2 years after they married. I told him the grass is never greener on the other side!!
    I am so unhappy. I have no energy for anything and my house has suffered terribly. :-(
    I too do not know how to survive financially by myself. I have tried to be a “Godly” wife. I have tried desperatley for 5 years to get us help to try and save this marriage. My health is definately suffering from all the extreme stress. My friends and family are very worried about me. I hate causing them to worry.
    I am in my 50′s and have not worked in about 12 years and am on disability. I have prayed to God to either “heal my husband” of all his issues or give me a way to end the marriage and show me a plan to survive in every way. I do have a fantastik support system. I realize that I cannot “fix” my husband, only God can do this and I am beginning to believe that he just doesn’t want “fixed”.
    Recently, I discovered that my husband placed an ad online “looking to have an affair.” I have not confronted him yet. I want to talk to my Pastor and my therapist first because I want to confront him in my spirit man and not in my carnal man instead of just screaming and rantng at him about my discovery. He is definately a manipulator, controller and a taker. Of course he thinks I am the control freak!! I know better. I have given and given getting nothing in return from my husband. My love bank is now only filled by God, my friends and family.
    I handle everything in our household. I have all the responsibilities that the husband should have, except for his job. He goes to work and that’s all. He would like me to wait on him hand and foot. He is very overweight. I am not going to enable him to become even heavier. He doesn’t understand that I force him to do things for himself to try and literally save his life. He has a job that pays him whether or not he works. For quite some time now he has only been working a few days a month and the rest of the time he is home 24/7. This just seems to deepen the gap between us and increase the turmoil between us.
    He has no freinds. He spends all his time online or watching TV. He has no social life or hobbies to speak of. When we married he moved from his town (where his family and friends live ) to my town. He only made “friends’ with my friends. My friends aren’t very happy with him because of the way he treats me. They see how unhappy I have become.
    I know my husband is unhappy but he doesn’t get that he is unhappy due to his bad choices in his life. I know his unhappiness is not because I am a terrible wife.
    I know in my heart and Spirit what I need to do. I know I am a survivor and I can do ” all things through Christ!!” I have been through so many things in my life and each and every time God delivered me out of each thing. ALL the glory goes to GOD!! I believe that He will do the same this time. I just need a plan. So anybody who has advice and or support I would love to hear from them.
    God Bless all of you that are going through something really tough. ” For in all things we are more than conquers through Christ!!”
    I think the Rapture would be nice about now!!!! :-)
    Joy

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