Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

Relationships Week

Since so many of the reader comments on Beyond Blue deal with relationships, I thought I’d devote a whole week to relationship issues. I’ll revisit the topic of emotional affairs, offer some questions to think about for those considering leaving a relationship, identify some self-delusions, provide some techniques on ending an addictive relationship or an affair, and finally discuss sex (since apparently so many of us are neutered or dissatisfied).
So happy relationships week to all my readers! And continue to let me know what other topcis you’d like to talk about.

  • oceangirl1

    I am very unhappy in my marriage. I dated my husband for 2 1/2 years, and we were planning our wedding. His dad died and he broke up with me. We had been having some problems, but I never thought he would end our relationship. When his dad died, I guess he decided he had too much to deal with to continue fighting with me. Two days after the breakup, I found out I was pregnant. He said he would help with the baby, but he soon moved to a town 4 hours away. I was devastated, truly heartbroken. I went to counseling, and we kept in touch. Our relationship was very unhealthy, because I continued to sleep with him even though he refused to get back together. He moved back to our area right before I had the baby. Things stayed the same between us for about 1 1/2 years – very dysfunctional. I finally agreed to go out with another man. He was a wonderful person and really helped me to let go of the past, but I could only see him as a brother. I guess he was a “transition” guy. A few months later, I met a guy at work who I was really interested in. I told my baby’s dad that I no longer felt right about the way we were continuing with only a physical relationship. It turned out that this other man was not really interested in me, but I was definitely over my ex. I was ready to move on. About the time, my ex realized this – he suddenly wanted to be with me again. He said he had fallen in love with me again and wanted try to get back together. I was very resistant, but began to go on dates with him with no sex. My old feelings weren’t coming back, but I was impressed that he was respecting my wishes. He seemed to be very sincere. I got saved and again, he was respectful of that choice. He asked me to marry him. I kept telling him no. He continued to pressure me to get married. He was exceptionally kind and fair to my other children (not his) and I felt he was doing the best he could to show me he was sorry for the breakup and the pain he caused me. I finally decided that it would be the right thing to do – to marry my baby’s father and to give my children a father figure. It has not worked out well at all though, mainly because I just don’t love him like I did before. I can’t get those old feelings back. I just don’t trust him and I don’t respect him. After we got married, he stopped being so wonderful and kind. He became a typical rude, selfish, childish man. I so wish I hadn’t let him pressure me into marriage. He is not abusive. He is just not right for me. I made a serious mistake.

  • barb

    Don’t continue on like this then, see if you two can go to counseling and talk it out.I know it’s easier said than done, if that’s not an option, then divorce..which is not good, but if he’s not trying and you feel flat lines for must do what you feel you have to do and not be lingering in sadness and despair..not good for anyone.Listen to your soul and what does it tell you to do? What gives you a clear feeling whenyou make a decision to something that is hard to do? No one can live your life for you, so start now to the path for completeness and happiness, you will be better off for it..keep close your children and talk to them, you’d be surprised what you can learn from them..they have to be your source of happiness..kick him out or move out, get away from him he is a draw on your healthy or not healthy being..people like him are toxic to all, what makes you happy? When he’s gone and you and the kids do stuff without him, there’s peace..tally up what is worhwhile and one that is’ll know the right thing to do.

  • oceangirl1

    Barb – I appreciate your comments, really I do, and they make a lot of sense. The problem is that as a born-again Christian, I no longer believe in divorce as the answer to marital problems. I am divorced from an alcoholic, but if I would have been saved then, I would have stayed with him and prayed more. My current husband is not saved – I knew that when I married him, but I thought that him attending church with us would soon lead to him getting saved. The bible says “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” Well, I married him anyway – I guess in disobedience to the Word. Now, we have to stay married whether it is fulfilling or not. Others have advised me to be a better Christian example. I really want to, but I am very easily provoked. Anger and impatience and need for control are big issues for me. I need prayer desperately to make this work with God’s help. God hates divorce and just not being happy or feeling “in love” are not acceptable excuses to end a marriage.

  • Tig

    If you don’t love your husband, then why still stay with him. I understand what god thinks about divorce but does god really want you to be unhappy? I don’t think that it is fair to the childrens. They are going to see right through you both and that is no lie.
    You said it yourself that you made a mistake.
    Maybe one day when the kids are older, they just might let you know that you should of left along time ago and maybe things would be difference right now.
    I was once in your shoes but I’m glad that I didn’t let this man, make me believe that if we got married that everything would be alright. There was a reason that I said no in the first place and there was a reason why I said no again once we tried to make a go of it a second time. I want to spend the second half of my life in happiness and not in misery.

  • oceangirl1

    Tig – I am happy that you were brave enough to make the right choice for yourself. I don’t think God wants us to be unhappy, but I think he cares more for how we handle ourselves in a bad situation. Since I made the wrong choice and I am not being abused, I really believe that God would have me to live with it and just focus on serving Him. I think that He expects me to be a godly wife and mother, no matter what attitudes the rest of the family displays. I am just having a really hard time being obedient to that. I will be doing really well, with being patient and not getting angry, and then something will make me snap. The first thing my husband does then is attack my faith (e.g. “What kind of Christian are you?” and “You are not making me want to get saved.”

  • Kiki

    Yes, divorce is a sin. However, being in a relationship that allows you to be angry may cause you to commit a sin. God has no levels on sin. Sin is Sin, no matter how you look at it. So if you stay to prove yourself to be a woman of God and commit a sin in a moment of anger you are still a sinner in sight of God. God already knows what decision your going to make. Fine tune your hearing and he will tell you what to do. God would never want us to be unhappy and live unrighteous and thats what a faulty marriage will cause you to do. I am speaking from experience. I married my long-time boyfriend because I wanted to do more in the church and we had been living in our situation for a long time and it was not allowed. So he went along with the marriage but we were unequally yoked in many ways. He did not want to change and I was excelling in my Christian life but the environment we shared was very hostile and I commited a lot of sins within my home. I even commited sins of the heart. Even when I didn’t speak God knew what was in my heart and it was much despair to were I couldn’t even conduct myself out of the flesh. My Marriage caused me to allow a unhealthy spirit to live amongst us. Yes, God is a God that can do all things, but he may not want to keep you and your husband together saving you and saving your husband may come through the seperation of one another. God is a forgiving God and he knows your heart. Be Blessed in all you do. I hope this helps you when you pray to seek your answers.

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