Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Give Up on Being Perfect

posted by Beyond Blue

In “Being Perfect,” bestselling author Anna Quindlen advises high school and college graduates to work from a clean slate … to give up on being perfect. I keep the gift book beside my computer (with Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements” and many other books, information hoarder that I am) as a constant reminder to be myself.

Here are some excerpts from Quindlen:

When I try to recall the girl I was decades ago, at my high school graduation, I seem to have as much in common with her as I do with any stranger I might pass in the doorway of a Starbucks or in the aisle of an airplane. I cannot remember exactly what she wore, or how she felt, or what she said, or ate, or read. But I can tell you this about her without question: She was perfect….

Trying to be perfect may be inevitable for people who are smart and ambitious and interested in the world and in its good opinion. But at one level it’s too hard, and at another, it’s too cheap and easy. Because all it really requires of you, mainly, is to read the zeitgeist of wherever and whenever you happen to be and to assume the masks necessary to be the best at whatever the zeitgeist dictates or requires. Those requirements shape-shift, sure, but when you’re clever you can read them and come up with the imitation necessary.

But nothing important, or meaningful, or beautiful, or interesting, or great, ever came out of imitations. What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the world of becoming yourself.

More difficult because there is no zeitgeist to read, no template to follow, no mask to wear. Terrifying, actually, because it requires you to set aside what your friends expect, what your family and your co-workers demand, what your acquaintances require, to set aside the messages this culture sends, through its advertising, its entertainment, its disdain, and its disapproval, about how you should behave….

Begin with that most frightening of all things, a clean slate. And then look, every day, at the choices you are making, and when you ask yourself why you are making them, find this answer: Because they are what I want, or wish for. Because they reflect who and what I am.

This is the hard work of life in the world, to acknowledge within yourself the introvert, the clown, the artist, the homebody, the goofball, the thinker. Look inside. That way lies dancing to the melodies spun by your own heart….

Perfection is static, even boring. Imitations are redundant. Your true unvarnished self is what is wanted….

Give up the nonsensical and punishing quest for perfection that dogs too many of us through too much of our lives. It is a quest that causes us to doubt and denigrate ourselves, our true selves, our quirks and foibles and great heroic leaps into the unknown. Much of what we were at five or six is what we wind up wishing we could be at fifty or sixty. And that’s bad enough.

But this worse: Someday, sometime, you will be sitting somewhere. A berm overlooking a pond in Vermont. The lip of the Grand Canyon at sunset. A seat on the subway. And something bad will have happened: You will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something at which you badly wanted to succeed.

And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for some core to sustain you. And if you have been perfect all your life and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where that core ought to be.

I don’t want anyone I know to take that terrible chance. And the only way to avoid it is to listen to that small voice inside you that tells you to make mischief, to have fun, to be contrarian, to go another way. George Eliot wrote, “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” It is never too early, either.



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HASH(0xce88c28)

posted May 21, 2007 at 9:40 pm


The truth hurts. This was hard for me to read, because Lord knows it would be easier to be graduating again, living ‘perfect’. Living authentic is scary, lonely, and…rewarding. I am waiting for the fruits of my labor.



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CrimsonCat

posted July 30, 2008 at 9:13 pm


I cried when I first read this, because I realized it was true. The reason I smiled at others, just to be nice. The reason I got straight A’s on my report cards. The reason I cannot socialize as well as I should. The reason I become lonely and depressed as soon as I’m left alone to think.
The mask I wear has been in place for a long time, I wonder if I can remove it anymore. Can I seperate the part that is me and not this mask of perfection?
I believe that all this hard work will payoff, like I’m lectured it should. But what if it becomes too late to pull off the mask then? What if…that hard work doesn’t payoff?
Perhaps the answers will only come with time…I just hope it isn’t too late.



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Serginho

posted February 6, 2009 at 1:21 pm


RE: Your true unvarnished self is what is wanted….
If only that were true. I found out the hard way that it isn’t. There is way, way too much emphasis on conformity in American society, and trying to “be myself” (the worst advice ever given, IMHO) only ensured that I would be shunned, isolated, spending many years in my own exclusive leper colony.
It was only by acquiring a measure of power, money and social status, thus giving myself a chance to observe how others interact, was I able to learn social norms, fit in, and be accepted. It is still an imperfect balancing act and I trip up, just as Ms. Quindlen mentioned.
Now can we please dispense with “Just be yourself”?



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peter

posted April 14, 2013 at 12:58 pm


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