Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Resources for the Emotional Affair

posted by Beyond Blue

I’ve found several excellent articles on the topic of emotional cheating. Here are a few of them:

Is Your Crush Harmless? 7 Signs of Emotional Cheating” by Carly Young, at LifeScript.com.

Love But Don’t Touch” by Mark Teich in “Psychology Today.”

Emotional Affairs” by Peggy Vaughan at DearPeggy.com.



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Anonymous

posted October 1, 2007 at 1:08 pm


I have been with this guy for the passed three and a half year’s now this guy is 43 years old has been married once but do to cheating on his wife and son they divorced. He to this day still has theses female friend’s that was there during the time he was married and a few has even gotten us to break up a few time’s. He asked me to move in with him a month ago and just last night I caught him emailing one of them I confronted him about theses friend women and what he was going to do and he told me nothing he was going to still be friend’s with them and do thing’s with them as well. This man gos to my church with me every sunday pretty much and he still can’t see that this is going to hurt us again and I do truely love this man but I don’t know what to do. Please help and pray for us!!!!



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Candy

posted October 29, 2007 at 3:48 pm


Satin wants to destroy the family. If “love” to you means that adrenalin rush that you had during the romance stage of your marriage…if “love” to you means mystery, excitement and intrigue…then, you are mistaken. True love is the love like that offered by Jesus Christ. When he loves us, not one gets hurt. Not us. Not our children, not our family. When someone succumbs to an emotional affair, people get hurt. Spouses get hurt. Children get hurt. But the person that gets hurt worst of all is the person that engages in this toxic and poisonous type of addition. They live in a “what if world” instead of caring for the family and spouse they were blessed with. They think the grass must be greener on the other side of the fence, but don’t bother to weed and care for their own lawn. They waste precious time, energy and resources (financial and other) on fantasizing and not taking care of their stewardship. Look at the true steward ship God (or who ever you believe in) has given you. Look at all the things you’re are avoiding and procrastinating so that you can invest your energy into this “emotional affair.” It is poisoning you, and that poison will affect your parents, your spouse, your children, your neighbors and your friend. If you can not be true to your self what are you really doing?
Do you really think that the “platonic” “emotional affair” is benefiting you? You obsess over it. You spend time talking about it and justifying it…instead of doing things that will bring you and your’s real joy. You love the trap you have built for yourself. You are using this non-existent affair to stop you from doing what you’ve been told to do by the creator. Do you not think he will hold you accountable?
Look at the true fruits of your obsession. It is allowing you to “not do” what you need to do at your job, at your home and in your community. And thus Satin binds the hearts of men (and woman) and drags them down to hell.
And you know that a platonic affair is hell! You live it every day. You spend your days in the “I can’t…but can I…I can’t …but can I?” and precious time slips away. Time away from those you serve. You become more and more selfish and YOU suffer…your FAMILY suffers, your NEIGHBORHOOD suffers, your COMMUNITY suffers, and the WORLD suffers. Look at the fruit in your life of choosing to “love” this person…to “love this lie.”
Wake up. You are chaining yourself and your eternal progression. Enjoy the links you build each day as you refuse to give it up…and spend hours justifying your “self-righteousness”



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Michael

posted November 23, 2007 at 11:43 pm


thks Candy.



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Shawna

posted December 21, 2007 at 7:33 pm


I’ve always dealt with depression since I was 12yrs old. The only person who seemed to help me out was my best-friend Travis. Travis and I first met when i was 16. We started somewhat-seeing-and-sleeping together. Then I met my children’s dad about 4.5yrs ago. Darrell, and I hit it off from the moment we met. My first thought of Darrell was that he was someone that I could never have. But i was wrong and Darrell and I have 2 incredibly wonderful children together, and until recently were living together for most of the relationship.During August this year I was beginning to feel overwhelmed as a young mom having to do everything, that I needed some time to myself to think about what is most important. Needless to say within a couple weeks my bestfriend and I are back together. What should i do they both love me and want to spend a life with me? Am I a bad person because I LOVE both men equally and can see myself with both ( NOT AT THE SAME TIME).
All I know is that loving two incredible men is too much to live with, so I decided to write this blog in hopes that I can find some guidance.
All i know is that I can only take so much and I’ve almost had enough of the pain and suffering, of feeling like i’m a bad woman for loving two men.



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Lisa

posted February 26, 2008 at 8:09 am


Shawna,
I read your blog and you need to decide, one or the other and stick with your decision or you will be in conflict until you do. I know from experience. I have been in a relationship on & off for 32 years with my high school sweetheart. In the past there have been times where he was married & I was not but we continued the affair. Right now we are both married to other people and reconnected after not seeing each other for several years. It’s a living hell for me. I feel like I love two men because I am married to the most amazing man yet the little faults and things that bug me in him, I don’t see in my “other love”. I realize that the fantasy of being with my first love is keeping me from fully loving my husband. That’s not fair and he deserves my full attention and commitment.
I never in my wildest dreams- when I married 5 years ago thought I would be caught up again in this situation. Because of our history and knowing each other for so long it seemed so easy to just start up our relationship. We talk about “maybe” being together in the future – well that is no future. We live in different countries but still talk almost every day on the phone. It’s crazy, it’s an addiction, it’s unhealthy.
Unless you want to live in misery the rest of your life by loving two men, you better make a choice and give it your 100% effort to make it work. Hopefully I can follow my own advice or I will spend the next 30 years miserable.



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John Hawkins

posted May 19, 2008 at 10:03 am


“No pain, No gain.” as they say does not apply to marriage. Here are a few mental spiritual excercises that you can meditate on “Be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to anger.” How else can you get to know your spouse if you are always talking, thus “Be slow to speak..”. Only one person can talk at a time and you can not get your point across if you talk over your spouse. If you knew what your spouse was about to say, then you would be a mind reader and you know that you are not. It may take everything in your being to keep your mouth shut, but if you can’t do it on your own then, try to do it for your your spouse and if that is not enough then pray and ask God for help in this area. You by not speaking only show courtesy and respect for your spouse that you would want to be shown to yourself. listen for the things that are important to your spouse. Knowledge is power, then empower yourself with all types of information from your spouse as you communicate to one another.
“be quick to listen..” Knowledge is power, then empower yourself with all types of information from your spouse as you communicate to one another. You have to develope good listening skills when it comes to our spouse for two reasons. The first is, you are listening for things that are important and things that concern your spouse. The second is just as important, you are hearing and seeing how your spouse thinks. Listening is like being at a lecture in school, the room is quiet with no distactions and you are prepared to take notes or record the lecture on tape. The same applies with your spouse. Paying attention and giving your undivided attention is great, but if you have to take a few notes then do that as well. As an exercise agree with your spouse to record two discussions with them and play the two discussion back. You will be surprised at what you hear for the second time. The purpose of this exercise is to help you get in the listening frame of mind when your spouse is talking to you. More, importantly, it just shows that you are actually interested in what your spouse has to say. Remember this please don’t doze off or drift off while you spouse is speaking.
“be slow to anger.” This may is the downfall of many husband and wife discussions and depending on your history may take some time to develope the discipline it takes to master your anger. Your past if you are still influenced by it can be brought to surface during your discussions. A word is said, a statement/phrase is made and you find yourself having a anger flash back. Unfortunately, your spouse will take the brunt of your anger. So, take the time to process in your mind what is being said to you by your spouse. If you don’t understand something it is okay to ask “Honey or Baby, could say that again? or “I don’t understand what you just said?” Your spouse came to you with something on their mind or in their heart that was important to the both of you. If you become impatient and get angry then you will probably miss out on an opportunity to learn how your spouse thinks and what concerns them the most or the least. If you are angry, then you can not hear clearly to understand, you will not ask the right questions and you will only see the negative.



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