Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Breaking Up From an Emotional Affair and Moving On

posted by Beyond Blue

Here’s what the hospital therapists/nurses advised Marjorie to do about her emotional affair:

1) Since the affair had crossed that hidden and tenuous line into a physical relationship (with the kissing), she should sell her portion of their engineering business, and work completely independent of him.

2) She should end all contact with him. Cold turkey. No Christmas cards, birthday e-mails, or Groundhog Day greetings. No communication. Nada.

3) She should tell three or four good and trustworthy friends (who won’t get drunk and blab at a cocktail party) about the emotional affair, so that they can support her as she goes through withdrawal and tries to fill the emptiness in her life created by the absence of his calls and e-mails.

4) She should keep a relationship journal or log, where she can record her feelings and thoughts regarding her special friend every day, as well as any incidents or memories that support her decision to move on.

For example, one day after group session, Marjorie broke down and called her engineer buddy from the hospital. She felt intoxicated by the sound of his voice–hearing him tell her that he loved her and thought about her all the time. But the day after the phone call, Marjorie’s euphoria was replaced by incredible anxiety, as the guilt caught up to her and she knew she had to end it (for the 203rd time).

I thought Marjorie was going to vomit all over my slice of pizza the day a few of us ate lunch together in the cafeteria between group and OT (psych ward terms). Her face was green, and she was so distraught that she couldn’t eat a bite.

She cataloged all her emotions in her journal to read the next time her fingers started to do the walking (to dial him). Yes, she realized, it would feel fantastic for about 24 hours, until–just like any other drug–it dumped her into an even deeper depression and fit of anxiety.

5) She should ask God for patience–TONS of it–because her painful withdrawal from her friend would most likely take several months or more. She knew she could expect to feel worse before she felt better, that going “through it” not “around it” was absolutely the right way to get where she wanted to be, but that route would be filled with sizable potholes.

6) She should pump up her mental-health program a notch or two or five million: an extra-strict diet (more protein and fiber, less white flour and sugar), regular exercise (at least an hour of cardio five times a week), getting outside as much as possible (light and fresh air do wonders), relying big time on her friends (call THEM, not him), developing some hobbies (constructive activities to take her mind off of her friend and to fill those hours of communication), attending support groups (like Co-Dependents Anonymous), working with a therapist, staying busy, praying and meditating (if she can do it without fantasizing about him), reading spiritual or self-help literature, distracting herself with a novel or a movie, taking extra vitamins and minerals, getting a massage if she can afford it (and if the massage therapist doesn’t look like her engineer), and getting regular sleep (a nice amount but not too much).

7) She should try some cognitive-behavioral techniques like visualizing a stop sign every time her thoughts go to him. She should write down all of her distorted thoughts and, using techniques like the ones Dr. David Burns suggests in “The Feeling Good Handbook,” she should try to untwist them. Moreover, she should try to identify the lies inherent in her delusional thinking, and work toward seeing and accepting reality: her crush can’t “complete” her or meet all of her emotional needs in the way she thinks he can.

8) She should work on her marriage: by looking for the holes in her relationship with her husband that made her seek an extramarital friendship that turned romantic. Why did she feel that her engineer partner understood her so much better? Were there some communication problems in her marriage? She should consider marriage therapy with her husband.

The nurses advised Marjorie to devote at least as much (preferably more) time to her husband as she was giving to her friend: taking time for quiet dinners with him, having lunch with him at the park, lighting a candle during (actually, before) sex, wearing sexy lingerie for him, telling him everything she loves about him, e-mailing him or calling him at work during the day (just to say hello), picking up a hobby with him (like tennis or running), as a way of creating more things they have in common and giving them more opportunities to have fun, possibly arranging a brief getaway–a break from all the domestic responsibilities that drain a marriage.

9) She should trust that time heals all wounds and that eventually she will feel whole again, without him in her life.

10) She should start smoking (just kidding!).



  • http://HASH(0xd14772c) in_the_dumps

    So what happens a few months down the road when she realizes that whatever was lacking in her marriage to begin with is still lacking? It’s easy for someone to give you a list of distractions. It’s agony to follow through on them. And possibly heartbreaking to realize she’s right back where she started when the flirtations began. Wouldn’t it make sense to deal with the guilt first, then decide what steps to take?

  • http://HASH(0xd148650) tattwo

    in_the_dumps you made some valid points. Yes, she should deal with the guilt first then decide what steps she needs to take.

  • http://HASH(0xd1490c8) A

    Been there, done that. A few years ago. And I agree with everything in the list (though I’d very much like to see the list shortened to 9 items). Responding to the comments above: No…you don’t “deal with the guilt first” or anything else. First you extract yourself, and take the pain. Then you do what you can to help yourself and you do more than you thought possible to help your marriage. And yah, it sucks. And years later, I still sometimes miss him. And it is exactly like a drug: missing him is only a symptom of my addiction, not of how “good” he was for me.And now my marriage is SO much better. —

  • http://HASH(0xd14a388) Nancy J. Card

    Please tell me why a relationship like this affects one like a drug – I felt like it was some kind of chemical imbalance within me – I know how completely crazy that sounds, but it is the way I felt – The sound of his voice would make my knees go to jelly – I have not seen him or heard from him since 1994 & I still think of him EVERY SINGLE DAY – it is an obsession & I don’t know why – I ended up divorced over this and have been alone ever since – I have no interest in anyone & I know that if I ever allowed myself to go to him it would be the end of me – Is there a name or a reason for this kind of relationship – am I the only one – this man was also verbally abusive & he cheated constantly – What is wrong with me??? I cannot get over him – I cannot get well-

  • http://HASH(0xd14ac40) Nancy J. Card

    Well, heck this is the 1st time I have done this – I did not know my name would be published – Oh well – I’ve had worse happen –

  • http://HASH(0xd14c248) Mizz Vic

    Oh my goodness. I feel like I just read my life story for the past 17 years and I want to vomit. I have the most adorable, wonderful prince of a husband and to think that I somehow fell prey to a mega-ego-centric pastor — jerk of all jerks –makes me feel sick to my soul. How could I have been so naive? How did I fool around and fall in love? Beats me. I just know it really, really felt “real” and I really fell for him … hook, line, and sinker. Talk about a mind-*@ck that lasted the best and skinny-est years of my life! Thank God that HE does not always answer our prayers when we ask. I love my husband! I adore my husband. (And I would take a bullet for either of our precious kids!) Really. Newborn Baby Believers — BEWARE of WOLVES WEARING SHEEP Clothing, i.e., Pastors! DO NOT BE DECEIVED. They’re after your money, honey. GROW UP!

  • http://confused_sandy sandy

    i kinda had a simmilar relationship 2 years ago and it broke my heart when he told me he was going to have a “real” relationship her (i was truly happy for her though, she had a crush on him)its just that it bothered me that my two closest friends at the time were getting together when they didnt know about each other not too long ago. However i was acting very rottonly towards him for leaving me because i was depressed. i havent seen him almost an year ago and kinda dont want to see him for along time. but i dont want him to think of me as the rotton person i was to him once.(very unlikly of me)then again should i even care what he thinks of me? am i in denial that i dont want to see him for a long time?

  • http://HASH(0xd14cf84) pat cohen

    The strong feelings that go with this scenario are the same as any addiction, researchers are finding out the the early stages of love are very similar to obsessive compulsive disorder. No wonder many of our mental hospitals are filled with people sick from “affairs of the heart” and our prisons are filled with people who became violent while under the influence of jealousy, anger, rejection, etc. We need to understand the chemical makeup of these feelings in order to recognize the effect on the brain and behavior. It would help to learn more about this topic.

  • http://HASH(0xd148dc8) foxyt

    Ladies I feel you, what I found was that when my emotional love begin pushing me away, I knew it was time to let go. Once things were over reality truly hit me when I said that I did not want to lose him and he said, “you never had me to begin with”! wow, what a kick in the mouth! I still think about this man and it has been three years now but now I know it wasn’t worth the emotional stress it put on me and my husband, “after he found out”!

  • http://HASH(0xd14de40) A

    For those of you wanting to better understand how emotions can be addicting, and how relationships are the biggest emotion creators, see the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?” Many people see that movie as being about physics, and new-age science, and it is. But the bigger part is about understanding how we can become addicted to the chemical reactions our body goes through when we love, hate, eat, etc. Understanding how we can actually be addicted to our feelings can be so helpful. If we don’t get that, we can be fooled into thinking that “since I feel so strongly, it must mean he is really important to me/my soul mate” even if it is ruining your life. Addictions suck. You can break the connection, and not allow yourself to do that thing you are addicted to, but you can never fully forget the desire for the thing that made you feel so full, so connected. Getting addicted is like allowing something to stick to a piece of your soul…and when you send it away, it tears a hole in your soul from that part it was stuck to.I think we will always feel that hole, but over time we get used to it enough, that it doesn’t mess with our lives. Too much. Comment to anyone who is presently IN one of these emotional affairs, and thinks that I am wrong: pay attention to the level of anxiety in your life. No matter what you THINK it is from–if it is high, that is probably the affair (yes, even without sex, it is an affair) you are having. If you still think I’m wrong, remember: every one of us thought we were really in love, and the anxiety was just the guilt, not the addiction. The sooner you cut ties, the less permanent damage to your life. —

  • http://HASH(0xd14f178) Kay

    Been there. I know exactly what it means to cling to an abusive relationship and hoping it will get better even when it is killing you. How do you explain being in a relationship with someone who made it clear to you that he is in love with someone else and yet wants to have affair with you. Insane? Well thats my story for two years. My advice – cut all ties, run and ask God to help you find someone who knows your worth. It is not easy but it can be done.

  • http://HASH(0xd14f8a0) bgdarlin

    Where do I go to help with my marriage? How long do I endure no romance, lack of support, controlling my life, very opinionated, etc.? I’m still here althought emotionally I’ve felt it was over at least 6-7 years ago. I have stuck it out for yyyearrrs and meanwhile have cared for my kids, his dying parents, and him during two long unemployed periods when he was “depressed”. I’ve continued to work full-time and pay bills while he repeatedly runs up credit card. He drinks and smokes and sits in front of TV. Me and kids “need to keep it down” so he can watch what he wants. He doesn’t go to church and doesn’t want to hear about what interests me or any travel or something cool that happened to me. But is this still “for better or worse”?

  • http://HASH(0xd151f34) A

    If it were me…I’d ask him if he wants a divorce. IF he does, I’d give it to him. If he doesn’t, I’d tell him it was time to work on the marriage in that case. Lots of marriage counselors are lousy. My best advice is to start with a book by John M. Gottman. I have gotten a lot out of his work. If you look up his books on Amazon or something, and don’t know what to pick, try “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Probably any large bookstore, and lots of libraries have his books. He’s not the best writer, which is why he writes his books “with” someone. But his research, and his advice are excellent.When you’ve read one of those books, I think you’ll have a much better idea what your next step would need to be. Saving a marriage is a very satisfying thing to do. It makes everyone happier. And ending a marriage that is truly beyond saving, can make people happier too. But knowing which one, and when, takes more knowledge than we can come up with on our own. Read Gottman…he’s got this thing figured out. —

  • http://HASH(0xd152258) j

    I’m not married. But I do want the sort of undivided commitment to my future husband. Saddly I know that I have a “wondering eye… and emotions… and body.” I cheated on my last boyfriend with my current one (who would marry me in a heart beat- if he wasn’t married already). I’m afraid of commitment because I know that I’m always looking for someone better, that supreme ideal partner that I’ve dreamed about. Some people have told me to wait on God to provide such a person. But I’m all fearful because even if he was right in front of me I’d probably still be looking around. It kills me about myself, how do I fix this?

  • http://HASH(0xd152590) Ann

    trying to deal with an emotional affair; marriage is not good;been in counseling for awhile and anticipate divorce; the other guy is single but feels very guilty and feels that he has influenced my marriage decisions; all that I have read here about emotional affairs rings true with me. It is like an addiction. Am I fooling myself by thinking that once I’m divorced this other guy and I will get together? I’m trying to end all contact with him but have to see him twice a week at church. Any advice?

  • http://HASH(0xd153ed0) Linda

    I have feelings for a guy at my church. He knows how I feel, were both married and have kids. My husband found out, now he does’nt trust me at all. I’m trying to stay away from this guy, but he’s in an important position at the church. How do I stop my feeling? Please help.

  • http://HASH(0xd154c28) LJ Lewis

    I am currently in theraphy to deal with who I am now and how I got that way. I asked GOD to make me into the woman HE wanted me to be and HE has been faithful over the years to do that by having me face myself and to get the help I needed to become the godly woman HE wants me to be. It is an ongoing process. As Dr. Phil is so fond of saying “you can’t fix what you won’t acknowledge.” Morale of the story face yourself and do the work to be a whole/wholesome person and to really love yourself and you will be able to truly love someone else in a healthy way.

  • http://HASH(0xd155068) Gina

    What a joke, you all think you know so much about affairs and the truth is, you don’t. Not all “other women” are just fantasies! Some of them are quite real and would make the man much happier than the woman he is married to. How one sided can you get?

  • http://HASH(0xd155368) A

    Gina, you miss the point. If the marriage were that bad, and he really wanted to move on, then he should divorce first, then date. If he “didn’t realize” how much better he could do, until he met “the other woman” and he has an affair, how “good” is he, to be a cheating husband? Maybe he has just what he deserves. If there are millions of women out there, and there will always be the chance that several of them might be better for any given man, and he feels that way, then he shouldn’t get married. The fact is, if you get married, part of the deal is being a trustworthy partner. Think about it: can you imagine if two people were business partners for years, and had everything invested into the business they had made, and all of a sudden, without discussion, one of them decides to kick out the partner, and bring in someone else? Would it matter that the new person could be a much better business partner? It really doesn’t. The one still has a commitment to the first one: at the very least, to include that one in the discussion of breaking up, and changing partners. A man who goes behind the back of the person he has committed to stay with for life, because he found someone else that “makes him happier” IS a fantasy. If he is a decent man, he would leave his wife first. If he doesn’t, the new woman is being strung along. Even if the man doesn’t think so.

  • http://HASH(0xd156588) KP

    My God people! What is this about addiction? For crying out loud! Why do you think she looked elsewhere in the first place??? She has to dress up and make all the effort in the relationship? Doesn’t it take TWO to create a disconnected marraige?? If he ignored her, barely spent time with her, plucked her into his life as just another component of him, then it’s no wonder that someone who SEES her as she is would become a part of her life. I’m not saying it’s right to go out and have affairs. However, sometimes the relationship was doomed to begin with..And if you can’t stop thinking about another person..for years..who the heck know…they could be your soulmat?? There are many roads to ride out there in life…ONE ROAD does not suit all.

  • Doug

    I am seeing things as clear as I see them today. My daughter was in an accident that left her in a body cast for several weeks at age two. This was very tramatic for my then wife. After that, she had lost something while going through that nightmare. I believe her body chemistry triggered a very deep deep tramatic casualty itself. A friend of ours from church began helping out from time to time with assisting my wife with things she might have needed while I had to work. He is a deputy and worked second shift. I was the only bread winner as she was a stay at home mom. They started to become very close and after I found the letters they both shared during the early morning hours when she said she couldn’t sleep it became an obsession on when she would be able to talk to him again. I admit things were very quiet back then for us as I was the one responsible watching my daughter that day. It happened very quickly. So I suffered with that as well but had been getting the help I needed to get over that. She went to the Dr. and was diagnosed with an imbalance. He put her on medication that I found out later was Birthcontrol. I was no longer able to have kids as I was fixed after the accident. I confronted them both and things were somewhat better but I still knew they were communicating. I just could not get the facts because she was getting more and more clever. I realized this was almost inevitable due to him being younger and financially stable. He had a lot of toys that I had but sold to develope a family that needed a husband and father that could make sacrifices for the family instead of feeding his wish list. Well. things did not get better. She admitted wrong doing but coudln’t break off communicating with him. So, we are now divorced and I share custody but still have to pay a small chunk for support. The twowere to be married last April but another aquintance of mine must have put a bug in his ear. They are waiting now for it to look a little more genuine. It would have been only a year since the divorce. And A person who I trusted from church will soon marry her and try to be father to my kids as he is doing now. This is very difficult for me to say to them that he is not their father. Stop trying to feed them with the things that my two kids and I shared so much fun with. Movies, bicycling, fishing school dances. By my rights as their father I should be taking them to the things we enjoy together first. He should call me and ask my permission. He is not their father, I am. I feel like my kids are being manipulated by his ability to top the cake with ice cream easier then I can. I am broke now and they live pretty well together. SO, I don’t have the opportunity to do the things I would like but eventually I will. Reading the other stories above made me realize that this is an illness that not a lot of people take seriously. They think it just didn’t work out. When someone does not cut off communication, the legitimate relationship will break. I ask those who know and see this, to get that person help before many other people get hurt. Especially the ehart of a child. I read patience is the key to make=ing it work, without it you are possibly doomed or someone else is. We had a good 10 year marriage before that. I lasted only another five. I will wait for what God puts in front of me so my heart does not feel this pain anymore, only love and peace. Peace and may God bless you.
    Doug O. Racine

  • Carole M.

    I wont be popular but I must share some info. I was “the other woman” several times. The first I was 23, just out of college and not dating anyone I worked as a (now) 911 operator. Well this hunk of a policeman came in and said “You are going to be trouble!” He had it wrong he was trouble. His wife lived 1 hour away- our “friendship” became more fixed as we worked out together about 4x a week. Eventually he bought me an “engagement” ring, went home and told his wife he was leaving. She was heart broken They had two beautiful children 5 and 7. She got pregnant again and that totally ended our “affair” We have remained friends for over 25 years now, but “once a cheat always a cheat!” He began dating other women after me and then told his wife who again forgave him. They are still together now. His wife and I speak and talk about our children and days gone bye. I have the outmost respect and concern for her, as I now know her life was not easy. I totally apologized to her and she accepted and we have been friends ever since. What a fantastic woman she is.
    Unfortunately, it seems like married men are drawn to me or I to them-It starts out as a competative game like foosball, pool, volleyball, racquetball, and ends up friends then goes a step further.
    I no longer take in their “come-ons” I just try to keep out of any situation that will end up as another affair.
    I had a total of 3 in my 50 years of life and that was three too many. I am now single, but thankful that God has worked in my life to steer me away from married men.
    It is easier at first, because you think they cannot hurt you or control you. But before you know it you are hooked.
    I am friends with each of them and one inparticular has been the best friend I ever had-I ended it with him because it was never going to go anywhere, but he has been the most supportive of me, my sons and helps us whenever they need anything. ME too. I cried on his shoulder when my fiance’ walked into my best friend;s bar with another woman on his arm almost 1/2 my age and slutty looking. HE hadn’t even broken up with me, yet had snuck home when I was working and moved his things out from my home where I paid all the bills. Well I was devastated, but on the other hand I guess I learned then and there what it felt like.Our wedding was in less than 2 months. He had been seeing and sleeping with her for 2-3 weeks prior. And she lived right under my mother. I guess what comes around goes around. I somehow think that was my payback for my three mistakes.(Autually #2 was already legally separated, but I still considered him married)Anyway there is only a married friend in my life and he and I talk weekly and support each other very well. No it will not go any further–he knows and I know that it is wrong and I broke up for just that reason. But I am thankful he is still my friend. I am seeing a wonderful guy now and keeping it on a friendly type of relationship, I am not yet up for anything romantic and intimate..not for a long time-I don’t feel i can ever trust anyone again. Maybe that’s part of the punishment as well. cmc

  • Jan

    Hi,I NEED SOME CONTRUCTIVE ADVICE FROM PEOPLE WHO UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH,SEE,I’M SEPERATED,HAVE BEEN FOR 2 1/2 YRS,I DATED THIS ONE MAN I’VE KNOWN FOR 31 YRS,HE’S 2 YRS 6 MTHS YOUNGER THAN I,ANYWAY,I BROKE UP WITH HIM DUE TO NOT ENOUGH LOVING.I’M NOW WITH A MAN THATS 9 YRS YOUNGER THAN I. HE IS A TRUCK DRIVER WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER ONLY 4 MTHS.BUT,I STILL LIVE WITH MY X’S BOTH OF THEM…BECAUSE I HAVE NO OTHER PLACE TO LIVE,ANYWAY,I HAVE TWO MEN THAT LOVES ME MADLY,THE 2ND X AND THE NEW GUY… MY PROBLEM IS,I STILL LOVE THE X,AND I ALSO LOVE THE NEW GUY.THE X LIKES TO KISS AND MAKE OUT,WHILE THE NEW GUY DON’T LIKE ME GETTING ALL UP IN HIS FACE DUE TO A BAD MARRIAGE HE WAS IN,SO HE DOESN’T CARE MUCH FOR KISSING OR MAKEING LOVE MUCH,JUST SAY HE WORE HIS SELF OUT ON HIS X’S…SO WHAT SHOULD I DO?.MY 2ND X, WELL,JUST SAY I WAS HIS FIRST..MY NEW GUY IS ON THE ROAD FOR TWO WEEKS,AND I’M AFRAID ME AND MY X MAY GET TO CLOSE..PLEASE HELP…I NEED ADVICE..

  • Diane

    Thats alot of X’S….Sounds to me like you need to find a way to love yourself and stop depending on what others can or can not provide. I find this statement to be true, Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are, When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

  • Sam

    I am in an emotional affair with a married man. I know that this is not the right thing to do, but it feels nice to have someone pay attention to you. He was living across the street for a while but they actually bought a home about a month ago. I miss the closeness because he would call on a daily basis, especially if he didn’t see my car at home. He would wonder where I was, would like to know where I was going and what I would be doing during the week. The thing I really miss is how he would come over and get onto my kids when they weren’t helping me out. He seemed to care so much and that feels good when you are a lonely single-parent. I wonder how I could let go of a friendship that gives me so much pleasure without the sex.

  • lover

    I am in a affair it started as just physical but he allways says the right things that make my heart race, how much of a good lover i am to you are so beautiful. At times i feel I mean more than just another knotch. Some times we wont talk for weeks then he will call and say he is allways thinking of me and misses me, he says he is very busy with his job. At times he will tell me he loves his wife very much. They have been married for 14 yrs now. I have been for 7. He tells me I should leave my husband and he will take care of me. Am i just a mistress? Am I wrong to feel for him? we have been together for a year now. I am afraid to let him know how i feel. some times he gives me vibes that he loves me but i also feel he is comfortable with his life style and just comes to me for the affection he does not get at home.

  • april

    i cant say that i’ve never cheated on my husband (who i had at the time) because i did. i mean i never had sex out of my marriage but just the fact that i was ALWAYS thinking of that someone else was cheating for me. i knew that he was already messing around at his work but just didnt want to believe it.so one day i went to his work and saw it for myself and it was then over. he choose to be with that other girl so i let him. its now been 1-2 years and he now has a kid with her, but my life didnt stop i still have have to raise the 2 kids we have together. so anyway i start talking to this girl who i felt that i was cheating with and i had tons of problems with her x, and at that point in time i was the other woman and it sucks it hurts it does. as times passes by the x and i started talking about what was going on and all the truth comes out,but after everthing was said and done my relationship with now who i can call my girlfriend is the greatest ever. but i always keep in mind that our x’s will always be there somehow someway but i hope and pray to god that they can let us live our life and be happy. i can now say i am the only woman in her life and i love her so very much and be both know that no one can come between us.

  • maria

    have you ever discussed the emotional affair from the spouses point of view. Is it normal for that person to feel depressed and at fault? Everyone seems to think that a couple such as this should divorce. How can you save that relationship when the one involved with another is involved with somone who won’t go away?Someone who persued your spouce and persued your spouce until they maid headway?

  • Elizabeth

    I am having a relationship with another man for 2 years now.I am not marriered but do live with my boyfriend.I don’t want to make it work with him but i would like to make it work with the other guy but he is married.What to do

  • Lynn

    I need to answer here. I have just 2 weeks ago ended a marriage to a man that has had several emotional affairs, mostly internet with strangers but most recently with a co worker. The most recent turned to a full fledged affair. He lied and did all the things that cheaters and liars do. The pain this causes someone is unbearable.
    If I can appeal to your compassion then all I can say is STOP! If your marriage is that bad then get out.
    It impacts not just your spouse but children, families, friends. Please take it from an undeserving spouse. My husband was weak and suffered from depression which is his excuse.

  • joyce

    when i read these stories i feel the pain. you must get to a point where you look at that other spouse and say, “your not worth this pain in my life and move on.” 9 out of 10 times they will do it again. its not your fault its whats going on inside of them. thats why commitment is the biggest thing in a relationship. throughtout life there will always be someone else out there thats more appealing, exciting, younger, more fun. its the commitment within yourself and the partership that withstands those outward attractions in life. when you have an affair or someone has one on you. you look in the mirror and say, “where is my part in this” i know he/she fooled around, am i going to stay? that changes the dynamics of the relationship if you stay. can these problems be worked out? that is such a burden of the heart to have been cheated on. also, woman who cheat with other peoples husbands, they will be treated the same way one day if he stays with you. jay

  • TERRI

    Wow…..i can say that i have been where you are and have made it through to the other side…….the only difference was that i ended my marriage and had the affair with the guy, and then, worked through all the issues i needed to to get to the healthy place i am in today. bottom line, i wasn’t getting what i needed from my husband, and that’s why i was open and vulnerable to the affair in the first place……..it was excruciatingly painful and hurtful to go through, but, i know that i made the right choice. today, i am a stronger, more independent woman, and am living a pretty joyful life today. i can look back on the situation realistically now and realize we were two emotionally wounded people who found one another………and i moved on………in one of my last conversations with the “other guy” he had not resolved his issues yet and was going to continue to see other women extramaritally………..i feel badly for his wife, and am so glad i made a healthier choice for ALL of our sakes and i don’t have to feel guilty anymore……i’m not hurting him, me or his family anymore. oh, and my exhusband is happily remarried to a nice lady who seems much more suitable for him than i was.

  • TERRI

    just a quick p.s……….i meant to add that i, too, had tons of personal issues to work through and THAT continues to this day….i’ve learned to look at life as a journey and not a destination…..it sounds corny, but, it’s absolutely true.

  • mary

    i have been dating a guy that has been cheating on me with his ex, i promise myself not to cotinue with him unto the newyear.He doesn’t even call me;yet, he claims to love me,his family feels we are made for eachother but they know about the other girl too.So, who are they kidding?I need counselling on how to leave him,it’s difficult we’ve been together for 3 years but i wasn’t happy throughout.

  • jo

    I had the same thing happen to me. I’m not married, and neither was he. But he befriended me, Started calling me, then sometimes we would get together and do some small things, like grocery shop ( he’s got 3 cats, so we go get cat food) and maybe go get a bite to eat. He was’nt working at the time, so I was someone to pass the time with. Then after the first of last year (07)he finally got a job,I was happy for him, but I started noticing changes. He stopped calling and e-mailing as often, and he would avoid me at our christian meetings (we are in the same faith). So I became angry and frustarted, and I began to wonder if this was’nt a pattern he was in, because he did this to another woman in our faith, she left and went to another congregation, so here I am after 8 months, I’m still going thru some emotional changes, but not as bad as in the beginning. And I’ll tell you, you find out who you’re friends are. I have no friends in my congregation, so I have widen-out seeking friendships elsewhere, same faith, just diferrent congregation. So it’s hard, but you can over-come it, and just think this way, “WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND” Those persons who are playing on peoples ( or in our case women) emotions will get their “JUST DESSERTS”. See a lot of men feel they can do whatever they want, because it’s MORE WOMEN, then MEN, so they play these stupid games. I’m looking for a REAL MAN, Who is sincere and wants a serious relationship with a spiritual woman. Thanks

  • carolyn battle

    thanks for all the suggestions and comments.
    I am going through the same dark and secret mess.
    I didn’t look back into my past pattern and got trapped with the man playing the gentlemen part.
    I am grateful i wasn’t playing victim and remembered my history with emotional detached men because for the first time I released my anger and ask the question: how special can your wife be if you are bringing mines and any other women’s sweat home to her. I also let him know that creeps like him prey on women by marrying women who meet their superficial and public image needs and and making them their paid prostitute and thinking that they can stereotype others by calling them useless name wh…… It’s his daughter, wife and mother who are living in the glass house.
    What made him dump me is a younger woman. His rejection is God’s blessing. I went to counselor and found out why I made myself attracted to unavailable people. It was from my child hood and now I have more reference point in picking a companion. As for the man with the special wife, daughter and mother he doesn’t have to change I do. My blessing is that he didn’t receive a disease and didn’t drop off a disease so he can go on having special women in his glad house. I am free because I am not anyone sick secret nor do I have any. I did it with affirmation, God of my understanding and giving time time.

  • Sarah

    I believe that one can have many connections in one lifetime. The idea of feeling guilt over an emotional or physical affair to the extent of treating it like a drug addiction seems outrageous. Desire is not a sickness, neither is chemistry between two people.
    People cling to the idea of a monogomous marriage as ideal, yet look at the numbers who are having affairs every day. Maybe I’m just a child of the 60’s, but does it really make sense for us to make someone feel miserable and to hate themselves for giving into God given human feelings ??

  • heartbroken, pathetic and played

    It’s been over 2 years since my emotional affair with an old flame. I am married (for 8 years at the time). He was a bachelor at the time and supposedly hadn’t dated in the 3 years prior to my looking him up.
    We had never gotten serious when we dated and I had no idea that I was so vulnerable.
    He immediately began to appeal to my vanity and I fell for everything he said…hook, line and sinker. We never consumated our reunion (I only allowed myself to see him once) however, I talked to him frequently and thought of him constantly. I have never felt such feelings in my life and doubt if I ever will again.
    He never called me during our “e-fair” as we called it, since much of it was per IM. Finally, he stopped taking my calls.
    I’m still married, my husband knows alittle bit about the “e-fair.” He has no idea how broken I am inside. My soul is gone. I still cry all of the, at the drop of a hat.
    2 years later, I look him up on myspace just to see his face (an now his wife’s). The rejection is still killing me and Im still heartbroken over this ordeal. I truly don’t know what to do except wait, hope and pray for mercy.

  • maryann_boring@yahoo.com

    Having an affair is wrong!

  • MysticMercury

    Very Funny, I’m STILL trying to quit smoking!! But Seriously, the rest of the advise is pretty good, though.
    I found the suggestion to fill in the wholes and emptiness with friends, and praying for patience to be helpful contributions toward my own emotional recovery.

  • MysticMercury

    heartbroken, pathetic and played…
    I know it’s hard, but fill that void somehow. Get out and live. One little step at a time if you have to. After two years, please shed that baggage and don’t allow your-self to wallow in this experience anymore. Please put your energies into something positive.
    Find happiness with-in yourself, and let your passion burn from your own heart.
    Just for a little good karma send hope his way that he too finds happiness, or bless the fact that he already has found hiss bliss.
    It will all work out. You can get through this.

  • Rebecca in Tucson, AZ

    I find it remarkable how people can talk themselves into all kinds of things over the internet and then believe in it! This happened to me, I was the one left behind for an internet affair. Why is everyone whining about their poor hurt feelings for some nebulous fantasy figure, when they should be thinking about the person that truly loves them and stands by them through all these shenanigans! Cheating is cheating, whether it’s physical or emotional, and I think emotional is the more painful for the one left out! The advice to “Majorie” is good, but it should include a kick in the *** to jump start her reality check. If you’re the offender, no sniveling allowed, it’s so 3’rd grade. Grow up and may God have Mercy on us all!!

  • Sanja

    I can relate to this story. I’m still there, I feel I’m addicted to this guy. There is no doubt that I really do love him. He’s catholic I just don’t have the willpower to consider ending my relationship with him. He gives me the attention that my husband never did. My husband never knew what he had at home, he was too busy lusting after other women making me feel worthless and lonely.

  • Unknown

    I was the husband at home….very sadly I am no longer a husband, but just another ex-husband. OUR story is tragic! Years and years of marriage and love and life only to have it all go down the drain with the help of a man who I suppose was working on his 4th marriage after spending 6 to 7 years in the previous ones.
    I realize now as the months turn into years that there were problems in our relationship. I simply thought that these were problems that every relationship wrestled with. I was so wrong and sadly enough when I finally “saw the light” after my wife came to me, it was too late, she had already checked out!
    In retrospect I can see now very clearly that my wife had decided to leave much earlier than I could have imagined. As a result, she wanted nothing to do with counseling. I pleaded with her to divorce me if she felt that she must, but to please communicate with me as to why so that I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. Unfortuneatly, that never happened and I am left to live eternity I suppose wondering what went wrong.
    She was deeply involved in an emotional affair with her boss who was a married man as well. Upon finding out about the affair while we were still together where I eventually confronted my wifes boss about it. Only to have him become violent with me saying that “they were just friends” this after I asked him if HIS wife knew of this friendship.
    Marjorie’s story is very interesting to me as my ex-wife to this day doesn’t acknowledge that she had any kind of an affair, but instead chooses to believe that it was simply a friendship. The “facts” prove otherwise. I gave up trying to help her understand this finally coming to the point of where I realized that you can only control what you can control, you cannot control other people, even those who are so very dear to you!
    It was like watching my wife speeding in her car to a dangerous curve in the road with a cliff only to realize that she wouldn’t use her brakes to slow down because she thought that she was in control. And all I could do is watch helplessly as the car continued on it’s deadly path.
    Emotional affairs are very painful, and I would say probably more painful than physical affairs from the standpoint of that I believe physical affairs to be mostly about the sex!
    This man provided a shoulder for my wife to cry on, vent to, and consult with problems that she was having. This “unlicensed counselor” tried to take the place of what should have been a professionaly trained Therapist! I have since found out that he has used scripture in his “therapy” with my ex-wife.
    I would just ask that anyone involved in an emotional affair who thinks that they are in control and can end the affair at any time to think twice.
    The pain that has resulted from the affair has devestated many. It is absolutely mind-boggling how many people outside of the spouses involed that these situations effect. Many are hurt deeply from these affairs, not just the spouses involved.

  • Kristine

    I just recently had a short affair with an individual who is married and has two rather small children one (7) and one (10). The affair only lasted for about a month and the guy got a little weird. He owns an Italian Restaurant, and I have only been there 3 times in 10 years.
    Once when I did not know this guy 6 years ago and once 1 month ago and then one week ago.
    I showed up at his restaurant a week ago with my girl-friend and had a drink, he got really mad and said he thought I was stalking him, which was not true. I have only been in his restaurant 3 times in my live in 10 years and the first time I didn not even know him which was 6 years ago. This man has told me to call him at his Restaurant however not after 7 until 9, Which I do not he is very busy then.
    Since I came to his Restaurant 7 days ago, he has been very short and rude and he stood me up on Saturday night. I do not normally feel this bad however I had not been with a man at all for almost 5 years, since me and my boyfriend broke up 5 years ago. I think I had a good time and I do not want to let go, however I can, I just never like to leave any kind of relationship on hard feelings. I do not have hard feelings, I just kind of miss him for some reason. He may have someone else already who knows, and I know it is not right because he is cheating on him wife and would probably cheat on me right? I am not the first, and I won’t be the last. Correct me if I am wrong!!! Oh and also this guy is so tight with money he squeaks and he come from a very wealthy family from Nicaragua, he is Latino.
    What to do!!

  • Heather

    I was in a relationship for a year and 2 months that ended in November 2007. It was a horrible break up, for me anyway, because my ex-fiance had 2 emotional affairs during the time we were together. He would claim that they were just friends, the first one was supposedly my friend also, but in my heart I knew otherwise. I confronted him several times on the issue, and he would get angry and say we are just friends, we talk, she understands me! What I couldnt understand was is if they were just friends then why did he hide the fact that he called her and she called him? Why would he talk in whispers if I was around? Sadly, I allowed all this to go on, I told myself that if I just stuck it out he would come back to me. Eventually he did and gave our relationship all the gusto that he once did. However, a few months later it happened again. The second time I believe it became physical. I found condoms in the car, which we never used, he disappeared for a few days and expected me to not be hurt or angry! Of course during this time he was drinking heavily and this second girl was a party girl and loved that lifestyle. I however was sick of that lifestyle and was looking towards settling down. I lied to myself constantly about how toxic our relationship was because of his need for alcohol and women and the depression behind all this that drove him to drink heavier and seek attention from other women. We are now talking, and he is in therapy and AA. He is set to go to a drug and alcohol treatment in a few months. He sounds so different now that he has been clean and sober for 4 months now. He wanted to get back together right away but I stood strong and told him that we both have alot of baggage that we have to work through first. I also told him that he hurt me terribly by his actions and I dont know if I will be able to forgive him. Emotional cheating I have to say is so much more painful than the physical. I have had ex’s who cheated physically and that hurt but the emotional almost killed me. It took me a long time to get over the initial pain, and now I can focus more on myself and doing what I need to do to change how I feel, think, and act. I am an extremely emotional person and been working hard on learning how to think rationally and not act with emotion like I do. I support my ex in his new struggles, I truely believe that everyone needs support and encouragement to keep going. He is in the struggle of a lifetime trying to stay sober. I am thankful that he is getting the help he needs and slowly realizing the damage he caused not only to me but his family and his self. However, his family is in serious need of help too with the alcoholism that runs rampant thru them. they are all in denial but loved to point the finger at my ex. I pray everyday for him and his family. Only time will tell if we get back together or not. I have a feeling that once we both are strong enough that we may just remain friends or walk away completely. I dont know. I feel that sometimes that I delude myself. I do love this man and will always have a place in my heart for him. I cant wish bad things against him. I find that when Im thinking of him though, I remeber the good times, but then all the bad times creep up and the hurt I felt when he was abandoning me emotionally. When I talk to him I have to fight the urge to tell him over and over all the wrongs he committed against me and make him feel hurt and guilt. That wont benefit either of us, and I have to remind myself often that I allowed him to treat me that way instead of walking away like I should have. Instead I told myself time and again if I just showed him how much I loved him and that I was willing to do just about anything for him that everything would be alright. I was so stupid! Lying to yourself is just as bad as lying to someone else!

  • Amy

    I have one thing to say to the above comment. “Poor hurt feeling” really can add up after years of hurt. At some point in our life we deserve happiness. I’ve watched my own parents live a life of being miserable, grew up living in a house of misery. Does that mean I should just hang in a screwed up marriage another 25 years? Just to see how it goes. I’m a very attractive woman I have a whole lot to offer the right man. I would not sit and judge someone I don’t even know! All I can say is until you have walked in someone else’s shoes, don’t judge others.

  • Diane

    How easy it is to fall into that emotional affair. I have been a friend to a man I’ve known since we dated as teens. I used him as a sounding board when I was going through a rough time with my marriage, after finding out my husband succumbed to an affair with my best friend. This man and I lost touch for years only to have him find me. We kept touch through the years( but only as friends), then over time grew apart. Once again after many years he called me. This time was different. I had been divorced for years, his wife verbally abusive and always had been, and was wanting out of his marriage, or so I was led to believe. I was the “shoulder to lean on” and listened with compassion. To make a very long and sad story short, I fell harder than I ever thought possible for this man. He got as far as an attorney and filling out all those legal papers, then BAM…he backed out and decided he was committed to “the vows”. It has been four years and I have finally been able to pick myself up and move on…I agree with Amy…and believe me, you really wouldn’t want to be in those shoes…I didn’t set out to hurt anyone, least of all his family(his children-grown adults) but we did and I can’t change that. Just when I think I’m getting over him he calls…This time I am stronger and he is STILL married…He WAS my addiction, but NOT ANYMORE!!!!

  • Sophia

    Emotional affairs are the worst. I have been married for 8 1/2 years,my husband (my best friend) recently came to me (6 weeks ago) and announced that he has been unhappy for 6 years and has met someone. He thinks God has put this someone in his life so he can finally be happy!!! Excuse me! We have two amazing children, we are the best of friends and you just want to walk away from that. I love him. Not just a simple love, but a Godly love. Yes, I love him enough to want him to be happy!!! But you know what for 6 years he did not mention how unhappy he was and now he has a quick fix…wow…the feeling of being “in love”. That does not last…it takes time, effort and energy for that to last. If he could not do it with our relationship…how is he going to do it in another relationship…when the going gets rocky…will he wait until someone else comes along to ghive him that “WOW”…on the path of death. God grieves divorce. I believe in HIS word…what he brings together let no man tear apart. Does it mean it’s going to easy? Heck no!!! Nothing ever worth having is easy. But I have a marriage to a wonderful man, I have a wonderful family, two beautiful children and a commitment I made 8 1/2 yars ago that I will not just throw away…I have Faith in God…he can do the impossible…God’s words are my hope…I pray for HIS perfect will to be done…Maybe, if others had some strong faith and walked the walk Jesus did our divorce rate would not be so high.

  • Sharon

    Sophia
    I agree with you 200%. It takes so much work to have a Godly marriage. Something I am struggling with right now. I will pray for you and your family. I can relate as the one who used to move on to the next guy when i was bored, not happy or just not in union with Christ. After years of therapy and reading God’s word as often as possible, I have recovered from being a love-addict. Every now and then the thought of good sex, romance and the aroma of “the newness of the relationship”; enters my mind. I know it is the unseen forces we all struggle with every day. I have to literally ask God to get ahold of me and remember that he doesn’t give me more than I can handle. My heart is out there to all of you ladies who struggle with unavailable men… Try to remember why you leave them in the first place. When your missing them, or about to call them, email them or whatever…remember that time he cussed you out, or got drunk and stood you up, or flirted with every other woman in the room… these unacceptable behaviors will hopefully bring you back to reality… All we are doing is dreaming, fantasyzing is very intoxicating…. Bless all you ladies…Peace be with you….

  • Anonymous

    I have been friends with a man for over twenty years now.For 16 of the past years we have been sneaking around between our spouses backs. I have been only married for 11 years he 22 years.We split for a bit then after a few months back to the same thing. We can tell each other anything he confides in me and i the same.I need help he is like an addiction for me.I do admit i am in love with him more then i love my husband what do i do……..

  • bayee

    TO all of you ladies who are married and have had that special times with your male friends is rotten in my book. Yes, men and women can do what they want to do with their own lives, but why be married and get involved with someone else? Just because sometimes things get old or years go by and things are just the same doesn’t mean to take up with a married man or any man! If you talk to your spouse and try to see what the problem is maybe something can change and be worked out and be happy again. Please do not take a step and go backwards for it would not help your circustances. Try to talk to your spouse and see what each other wants or needs in your marriage to overcome your unhappiness. If you try, really try both of you to work together on your needs, something that would make you feel loved again, you both can reconcile together again. You were not brought together just by accident, there was something there they was felt from the heart and it is probably still there, if you would just open it up and let it flow……..

  • Stephanie

    Why does pumping up your mental health program help to dissolve an emotional bond?

  • Shylo

    Thank You, altho I am not presently married, altho I was for 22 yrs and was cheated upon…I find myself living alone with my cat and traveling into these unavailable relationships, and all out of a sense of being hurt and betrayed by former husband and fiancee’s/ I now find myself doing exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing and it is very painful. This article opened my eyes to my pain and need for love, and yet, I am terrified of letting go of these men who are either married or in a relationship. I feel as if I am around someone who is not able to commit to me, I will not be hurt again, but it is all so backwards…my health has taken a toll for the worse as a direct result of trying to “fool” myself into thinking they all care.
    Perhaps they do, but for all the wrong reasons. Thank you for letting me get this out and I appreciate the comments I have read….Shylo

  • Renee

    This story reminds me the reason I divorced my Husband after 25 years of marriage. He was having an emotional affair with his ex-wife (whom he had only been married to for less than a year). Seen her on a trip back to NY. to visit his parents. He refused to stop the relationship. I filed for divorce. His comment to me was I can not believe you are going to leave me, I have not even had sex with this one yet. He asked me to wait and see if things would work out her or not. I had to laugh and sign the papers.
    No he is no longer with her. After I threw him out she did not want anything else to do with him. The fun was the secert. Once it was out in the open she wanted to move on and make things work out with here own husband. They were both married. Now he is not and she still is. I got a tidy little sum once a month, the house, and just about everything we had worked for the 25 years that we were together. He got a 2 bedroom rental in a town near me and all the loneliness one man could ever wish for.
    Emotional affairs can be very dangerous. Make sure it isn’t just about the secert. Once it is out in the open all the mystery is gone.

  • Tony

    There are things in life that never change. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west; jump from a tall building and one will surely fall down. Steal/rob etc one knows the consequences. I think the worl lacks genuine love in a big way. It is not rocket science. The little things matter for intimacy to thrive. One would have thought that advances by mankind would make us happier and more content. It’s quite the opposite though. People need to be more open and honest with each other. Qualities like forgiveness, patience, perserverence seem alien.
    Both sexes have abdicated their roles to some large extent, sadly women seem to bare the brunt of the repurcussions. As a man, I find this disheartening. My marriage may not be the best but it takes two to tango and I have to do my part. No pain, no gain. I agree with Renee. Lastly, what is right is right, and what is wrong is wrong, to look the other way will not change the facts.

  • MAY

    I am married. My husband is in the service. I work at a hotel and end up having a really close friendship-relationship with a client. My husband was deployed overseas. It crossed over in the physical realm of kissing. He to was also married but lived at the hotel.I ended up having feeling for the guy but didnt see it through. Guilt played a strong role along with my faith. I should of never allow myself to go that path. But it was hard having my husband away.. missing that attention and affection. We were going to try to keep in touch but once he left I decided that it was truly wrong and guilt was in play. My thoughts were “why should I do this if my husband is being true to me and he is overseas in a warzone fighting for your freedom and puting his life on the line all in the name of love and this is how you repay him.” Once he left I stopped answering his calls and refuse to email him. He was like a drug in my system, in my mind, in my thoughts…I had to WITHDRAW from him. With gods help and forgiveness my husband and I have rekindalled our relationship even with him so far away!

  • s s rao

    the article is very nice and many women who are emotionally hungry get themselves in trap.I would like to hear how to cope with the situation once husband comes to know abt the emo affair his wife has had.From the husband’s point of view he needs to know everything and how does the woman handle a broken affair filled with guilt and also try to get her marriage back its pride and love.Husband needs to understand that more than his ego and hurt and embarassment he should place his wife’s emotional needs before and help her recover fully and then do the blaming part.As read i feel that the temptation of calling or meeting the guy with whom the affiar was happening is natural and it takes a great effort to break off completely.Husband who has not done anything is greatly effected and he needs to be assured that such an affair will not happen again.The basic trust is marriage is lost and it takes a long time before everything is in place.I would like to know what other women who had an emo affair did or went thru after their husband knew abt it.

  • The old widower

    I have spent a lot of time reading all the posted comments. I am 71 years of age and was married a few weeks less than 48 years when my wife died. She had trapped me into marriage, was never emotionally accessable and was a manipulator par excellance. Why did I tolerate all that and put up with her self destructive life style, smoking, drinking, poor diet, no exercise and no real interest in life? I have spent a lot of time in theraphy trying to resolve that. My parents lived in a poisoned, emotionally abusive relationship all their lives. I resolved as a young child not to do that, so I over compensated and allowed myself to be used. If you are unhappy, and no one can make you happy, look at the situation as if from the outside. If it can be remedied, it is less trouble than breaking up, if not make a clean break and THEN start over. Happiness is a state of mind. Have you ever noticed how little it takes to make some people happy while nothing makes others happy? My spouse was one of the latter. As I look back, four years after her death, I realize that I took my vows seriously even though rendered under mental duress. As a man of honor, I could do no less. What I could have done and didn’t was confront the situation and insist on change or dissolution of the marriage. Don’t waste your life seeking the unattainable, but do not waste your life in an empty, emotional wasteland. I too had emotional affairs that compensated for the lack of emotion in my life. I pray that none of the women involved suffered as so many seem to do. I never lied about love, never had any desire to take advantage of a woman and broke off any relationship that headed in that direction. I have lived my life so that when I die it can be said, He did his duty, never deliberately hunt anyone and left the world a better place than he found it.

  • Janet

    My husband of over 23 years left me for the other woman. What I have learned is you can never say something cannot happen to you and you cannot control another person. I was unhappy in my marriage but could never imagine myself doing what he did. I would never want to marry someone like that a liar and a cheater. I don’t know how that even look at one another without feeling guilty over all the pain they have caused. People cheat because they have never dealt with their own childhood pain. If you cheat you are saying an awful lot about your own character. If you are that unhappy then be honest eithor fix the marriage or get divorced without a third party knowing everything your spouse does not. It is a very cowardly and rotten way to leave a marriage. Once the wonderful romantice loving relationship becomes a marriage you will begin to treat your spouse the same way you treated the last one. Read my blog on blogspot.com on my divorce.

  • Tamma

    Response to the Old Widower, 5/26/08
    I’m saving your response for my own “old lover”. I am 48 yo, divorced 7 years. The Old Guy is 62 yo, in a 20 yo loveless marriage to fulfill his duty of marrying the woman he got pregnant. His wife, checked out of life immediately after marriage. Never worked, no social activities, refused to go away with her family, no vacations, no interactions, watched TV. Now the past year she leaves on extended “vacations” with her lover. Of course, the Old Guy pays for her sexual activities. She has no shame or tries to hide it. The Old Guy and I have known each other from the workplace for 3 years. I’m a Supervisor and he is a visitor. I never knew of his marital difficulties til six months ago. Once aware, I approached him freely expressing my interest. He reciprocated. We talked on the phone 2-3 times per day the past six months. Stolen moments of kissing and hugging when seeing each other in my workplace. Finally it stepped into a sexual relationship, even though his guilt wouldn’t allow him to perform. Now he is wracked with guilt, remorse, for what almost happened. Feels he defied God’s mandate for fidelity. All this emotional torment while his wife has been gone for the past 7 weeks with her lover, abandoning her new grandchild from their only child. He was so happy with me, verbalized it but then guilt struck him down. His guilt is from being legally married yet but desiring me. Now he is withdrawing from our relationship. I feel as if I lost my best friend. I miss him, his laughter, his concern, lightheartedness with me, etc. Is his guilt wrong? Is it morally correct to give up our emotional affair so he is not judged negatively on his Judgment Day? It seems to me, he gave up so much for little to no reward. At 62 yo and a recent cancer survivor, how much time does he feel he has remaining?

  • Tamma

    To the Old Widower…….From Tamma and my previous response. If you care to give me your viewpoint, my email is inner_peace2me@yahoo.com.

  • Kelly

    I broke up with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything from him. I feel so lonly and sad, I miss him so much.
    The bad part about this is, he abused me so bad, I have a broken rib from his abuse. I could never understand how a woman could still love someone who abused her, now here I am. I no his leaving is for the best but now I understand how a battered woman feels. You don’t just stop loveing someone in a second, how do you stop and get on with my life? Please help me get over this. I have only told 1 of my friends and she is great but I need more suport, God what if he comes back? I still have feelings of love for him. I konw I shouldn’t but I do.
    What do I do? HELP ME!!

  • kathy

    To Kelly. I have been where you are – alomost 34 years ago. I was so crazy about this guy and I married him, not realizing how abusive he would become (he slapped me one week before our wedding – but promised he’d never do it again). The violence only became worse, until I had to leave him. This was the most painful decsion I have ever made, but it saved my life. You must have enough self respect to not allow yourself to be treated that way. Make a list of all the ways he hurt and abused you and then, every time you think about picking up the phone – look at that list. You mention God, but do you really trust Him and are you a Christian – having turned your life over to Jesus Christ. If not you must do so – He is your strength and your constant companion. Find out His will for your life and then follow Him and trust Him. I moved on with my life, have two beautiful daughters, and one amazing granddaughter. I’m not going to tell you that you will completely forget about him, because most likely you won’t. You will always have a place in your heart for this man that you loved, but you must love yourself more and realize that he is not God’s best for your life. I wish you the best. Be strong, have courage, put your faith in the Lord and you will come out of all of this victorious. God bless you.

  • Carolyn F. Battle

    I am a 57 year old who son was murdered 9 months ago by the police. I accept my child is dead, I don’t accept that the police had to shoot him in the back beyond 2 feet.
    I am in the process of starting a new life as I go through the grief process. I thank everyone who openly talks about their affairs with unavailable emotional men. Before my son’s death, i was engaging in sexual relationship with a married man on my job. It was the first and last.
    As I go through the withdrawal, I had to radicaly accept a few harsh reality. The man was too anal too look at his own childhood’s hurt and tried to push his issues onto my life. Im grateful for knowing that I am as sick as my secrets. Therefore I went against what he advised about keeping it a secret. I din’t want to hurt his family but I was not going to be left stuck holding emotional baggage.
    I am in therapy I realize that the reason I choose unavailable men due to my upbringing. I had a strong father who never married my mother. I had the stepmother from hell. She was competitive and had the upper hand over my mother and myself for my father’s affection and attention. I was a child who didn’t need competition as much as validation that I was not a mistake and that she is loved. My father wasn’t an physcial abusive man but emotionally it was hell. He was withdrawn and distance. He worried more about an image than the fact his children were unhappy.
    I am in pyschodrama therapy, it is working for me. I am able to act out my pain and address the past issue that has held me in bondage all of these years. I have been able to let the person know his service is no longer needed and we are not friend. When we cross path in the hall way guilt and shame is not as heavy as when I first lost my son.
    What I am working on is letting go on being nice and neat and presentable to people. I am learning that if anyone has to be angry is let it be the people instead of the God of my understanding. I recently went to a year end part for my school. It was sad because it was so segregated by age and status and yet the gossip that was going around, they all were in the same boat desiring someone to love them.
    Since my son’s death, I have not had the desire to participate in social activity not because I don’t want to because I don’t want the same mix of people who believe that they are so entitled to keep private pain while they act out their misery on others. There is no faith working in there lives and by acting as if they have caught the golden goose is sad to watch. I am glad that when I stay home in is not in isolation to void myself of interaction. I stay home because of the two days of beautiful solitutude and a chance to regroup for the week. I meditate, listen to great jazz and write people who are in need of an encouraging word. I think of the good times I had with my 25 year old and ask his forgiveness because at the time, I was in so much emotional bondage that I couldn’t prepare him for a better spiritual life.
    My goals for the next 5 years is to have that soul mate that will validate me. Mend relationship with my daughter and myself. Ready to travel and see the world right from my living room. I live in a city that is very very diverse and any given time you can visit an area that has a wide range of cultral and social belief. The next and best thing is to deepen my relationship with the God of my understanding. My God is about humanity and being absolute happiness. When I can’t be happy alone, I know that is my signal that my happiness is relative because I am coming outside of myself looking for the answers.

  • Amee

    Don’t start smoking or drinking! Been there done that.

  • KIKIJO

    It is funny how God works! I have been going through an emotional roller coaster for the past ten years, and I wan’t sooo badly to get off. I met my “Friend” while working in a doctor’s office. He was a patient. He had an arogant personality that I just knew I could break through. A month after meeting him, he asked me out to lunch. Just so happened that I became pregnant (with my husband). We went to lunch and began talking. Funny, the first time I met him, days later I had a dream about him. The dream was that he was sitting in the park in a tree, it was dark. The feeling I had from the dream was making me curious about him. I woke with this feeling like I had to know more.
    WHile having lunch, he openly discussd having a relationship. I told him I did not want to get into anything because we were both married. Lunch ended and we went our separate ways. He would visit the office periodically just to say “Hi”. After having my daughter, I ran into him. WE spoke briefly and that was it. Approximately 4 years passed and I never tried to get involved even though things were very difficult with my husband & I. Communication sucked between us. ALong with the financial stress of another child ( my son was 4 yrs. older). But I knew if I started something I could not finish it would be devisating. It was at a time that I lost a very dear mentor(that I had an affair with years before my marriage) He was a married professional that I worked for over 15 yrs.He died before I could say “Goodbye”. My heart ached. SHortly thereafter I ran into my”Friend” again. I was sooo miserable all the way around, I mentioned to him “We should have a drink sometime. This was the beginning of the end. The relationship started slowly. We talked for 1yr. before becoming physicial. We were truly “Friends”. Once the sex came into play, it was over before we knew it. He was called over seas with little warning. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. We communicated while he was away. It took me forever to try to deal with this whole thing but it was painful. He came back a year later (earlier than expected) but he was never the same. We argued constantly. I felt he just kicked me to the curb and did not need me anymore. To this day, as our relationship does a complete about face, I am left with just memories of the past. He has filled a void in my life since my dad was deceased and we never really had much of a relationship anyway. My mentor was gone and now he is leaving me day by day emotinally. I feel so out of control emotionally and mentally. My spirituality has been affected. I feel completely out of control. Like I am loosing my mind.

  • KELVIN W.

    I HAVE FELT LIKE THAT WHEN MY WIFE OF SEVENTEEN YEARS ASKED FOR A DIVORSE. IT LITERY FELT AS IF MY WORLD HAD ENDED. I WOULD CALL ASK TOP SPEAK WITH MY KIDS BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE I FELT I NEEDED TO TALK WITH HER. ONE DAY I ASK HER TO GET BACK TOGETHER HER RESPONSE WAS YOU DONN”T WANT ME OUT OF PITY. THEN I ASK GOD WHY AND HE SAID SOMETHING THAT YOU TRUELY LOVE YOU MUST LEARN TO LET GO. FOR THE LAST TWELVE YEARS THAT HAS COMFORT ME ENOUGH TO KEEP ON TRYING TO BE THE BEST PERSON I COULD BE.OUR COMMON BIND IS MY TWO CHILDREN WHICH WE BOTH WATCHGROW GRADUATE COLLEGE AND BECOME TWO RESPONSIBLE ADULTS. THE PART OF THE VOWS WHICH STATE LET NO MAN PUT IT UNDER IS TRUE. LOVE IS A HARD THING TO UNDERSTAND BUT ITS TRUE REMEMBER CALVARY.

  • nani

    If you are Christian, you can Check out settingcaptivesfree.com. It helps many people to get free from OVER-INDULGING in all addictions in life(food, alcohol, drugs, porn, sex,) It help us all understand why we do it and what we must do to get rid of the lusts of our flesh and turn to GOD’s love). I, and many hundreds of thousands get free daily. IT WORKED FOR ME.

  • Jesusinmyheart

    I am really disappointed that Marjorie was not told that she had to confess this affair to her husban, ask for forgivemess and then work on the relationship. How can you honestly work on something when the other person does not know the full extent of the problem.

  • an almost infidel

    For over two years now I have been struggling with this feeling of becoming unfaithful. I have been looking for ways to get out of my marriage more so when my husband started dumping his frustrations on our children. In my mind, I would rather be with someone else who is a christian and who would make me feel needed. Several times I have been tempted to be more friendly with guys at church whom I feel would make good partners or seek out those high school, college or postgrad male friends who were flirting with me before. I had all of these in my mind because I wanted out of my marriage. Thank God that I read your message for today, it confirmed even more my conviction not to do what I have been doing. All I need to do is work on my marriage and to appreciate what I have before it is too late.
    Thank God for this. I guess this is His way of communicating with me.
    Thank you and more power to you.

  • kate

    It was like I was reading parts and parcel of my experiece here. I was feeling dry and about to send an angry message to my ” friend” whom I had an affair a few months back. He was busy lately with his own personal life and I just felt so left out. I am a Christian, married to a wonderful husband and have two kids. Problem is that my hubby is assigned oversea and able to get home only twice a month…and so I started to feel bored and started to get connected with this single guy who happens to be a friend’s boyfriend. It was all plain and simple at first..he wanted to have a sex mate and we’d do it over the phone. Then we met while I was having a vacation and we had sex twice in his place. That was it. I felt terrible after, asked God for forgiveness and tried to moved on. I did manage to shoo him away everytime he wanted to have cyber sex with me.. but then I found myself emotionaly dependent on him and would feel either depressed or mad everytime he couldn’t make himself available for me.
    I thank God I opened my computer today and read about this article. I think my problem ain’t that overblown yet and I still have the strong will to end the relationship. Thank you.. writing here is just what I needed.

Previous Posts

Seven Ways to Get Over an Infatuation
“Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I” wrote US songwriter Lorenz Hart about the feeling of infatuation. It’s blissful and euphoric, as we all know. But it’s also addicting, messy and blinding. Without careful monitoring, its wild wind can rage through your life leaving you much like the

posted 12:46:43pm Feb. 19, 2014 | read full post »

When Faith Turns Neurotic
When does reciting scripture become a symptom of neurosis? Or praying the rosary an unhealthy compulsion? Not until I had the Book of Psalms practically memorized as a young girl did I learn that words and acts of faith can morph into desperate measures to control a mood disorder, that faithfulness

posted 10:37:13am Jan. 14, 2014 | read full post »

How to Handle Negative People
One of my mom’s best pieces of advice: “Hang with the winners.” This holds true in support groups (stick with the people who have the most sobriety), in college (find the peeps with good study habits), and in your workplace (stay away from the drama queen at the water cooler). Why? Because we

posted 10:32:10am Jan. 14, 2014 | read full post »

8 Coping Strategies for the Holidays
For people prone to depression and anxiety – i.e. human beings – the holidays invite countless possibility to get sucked into negative and catastrophic thinking. You take the basic stressed-out individual and you increase her to-do list by a third, stuff her full of refined sugar and processed f

posted 9:30:12am Nov. 21, 2013 | read full post »

Can I Say I’m a Son or Daughter of Christ and Suffer From Depression?
In 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, we read: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” What if we aren’t glad, we aren’t capable of rejoicing, and even prayer is difficult? What if, instead, everything looks dark,

posted 10:56:04am Oct. 29, 2013 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.