Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

Drivers Wanted

My old self is definitely back, because only she would be foolish enough to volunteer to organize David’s Christmas party.

I’m investing in life again, which is truly a miracle.

Last year I missed the Christmas party because I was afraid I would have a panic attack and be stranded at the school, unable to drive home. On the way to last year’s Halloween party I got a flat tire because, in a fit of anxiety (my hands were shaking), I hit a curb. I called Eric in tears to come bail me out. He suggested I not drive for a while, until I was confident that I wouldn’t start shaking en route to karate or the grocery store. The trembling continued for months, so I isolated myself in the house.

Unable to drive, I lived like a passenger on so many levels: not wanting to commit to anyone or anything. My suicidal thoughts were so intense last year at this time that I was positive I’d be gone by Easter. My disability colored every thought.


Contrast that fearful, insecure person to this year’s party planner, and you see God’s work.

One of my beloved friends, Mike, whom I talked to every other day last year when I was so down, just wrote me this e-mail: “Great talking with you the other night. You sounded so cheerful and your laughter was deep. I know that won’t be there all the time but it was, is, lovely to behold.”

God is good. Very good to those who wait, even if they cuss him out every day of that wait. He is good to those who are too debilitated to drive and do basic things for long periods of time, but who keep on putting one foot in front of another, hoping that one day they will want to invest in life again.

  • http://HASH(0xcff5110) Suzanne

    Welcome back, to you and me both. I didn’t think I’d be around this Christmas, either, after missing last year’s family gatherings due to depression. God won’t let us give up. He gives us friends to call us every other day, and to pick us up when we can’t drive, and to keep asking us to invest in our own lives time and again, no matter how many times we’ve said “no”. And He reminds us that he put us here to put His gifts to best use, and that we’ll have more work to do when we’re ready. We just have to listen, and to try to get a little more strength from His grace every day.

  • http://HASH(0xcff5410) Sylvia

    Reading this has given me some hope and inspiration as I am in a “spiritual rut” at this time. I pray and pray, and still pray that GOD will answer my prayers. Blessings to all.

  • Matt

    I too have recently had a return from what seems like the grave. My eternal gratitude and blessings go out to all who care about the light inside of those that live. And work until the end if need be to rekindle any embers that are left to die when they are wounded. It matters more than some may think that we not turn away and run lest we die ourselves and fade to blackness.

  • http://HASH(0xcff7114) HASH(0xcff706c)

    May God continue to bless you with this. I to am finding my way back from that horrible wasteland and it encourages me know that there are others out there who understand how sweet this feeling is. I have so many other friends (my fellow therapers) who I am trying to help along, and that helps me to. It’s a moment by moment struggle but through God, everything is possible, even healing……… Menia

  • http://HASH(0xcff78dc) gregory

    it is great to hear about someone finding the strength to push on as for me i have just rededicated my life but i find that since i have the problems of life have gotten so hard for me sometimes i dont want to go on but i know god has a plan for me me and my girlfriend of two years will probably split up tonight but i will find the strengh to go on the worst thing is that we have a 9 month old son it will be hardest on him but if it is gods will i will endure it and find strengh through him this is probably not the best way to get my messesge out but i got sent here through an email some how so maybe it is god also gregg p.s im still fighting

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