Beginner's Heart

Beginner's Heart

day #16 of National Poetry Month ~

As we enter the baseball season (for real addicts, that began with the spring training season!), I thought I’d share one of my very favourite poems.

While baseball isn’t a great love of mine, I do have fond memories of watching my sons play. Beginning with T-ball, both sons played for a few years, then went on to other interests. But for a short time, I remember sitting in the stands, at both their games and the city’s team. Reading, letting them run around under the bleachers eating baseball food.

Something about baseball feels very American to me — more so than any other sport, although I actually prefer watching basketball. But baseball is so very human. It needs patience, teamwork, the occasional vivid out-of-the-park moment and dark loss. All held in the soft palm of a leather glove.

Since I’m certain anyone reading a Buddhist/Unitarian blog can make his or her own connections, I won’t go into all the ways poetry, baseball, and Pete Fairchild’s poem are metaphors for the human condition. :) It’s a long poem but so worth it.

Here’s B.H. Fairchild’s ‘Body and Soul':

Body and Soul

Half-numb, guzzling bourbon and Coke from coffee mugs,
our fathers fall in love with their own stories, nuzzling
the facts but mauling the truth, and my friend’s father begins
to lay out with the slow ease of a blues ballad a story
about sandlot baseball in Commerce, Oklahoma decades ago.
These were men’s teams, grown men, some in their thirties
and forties who worked together in zinc mines or on oil rigs,
sweat and khaki and long beers after work, steel guitar music
whanging in their ears, little white rent houses to return to
where their wives complained about money and broken Kenmores
and then said the hell with it and sang Body and Soul
in the bathtub and later that evening with the kids asleep
lay in bed stroking their husband’s wrist tattoo and smoking
Chesterfields from a fresh pack until everything was O.K.
Well, you get the idea. Life goes on, the next day is Sunday,
another ball game, and the other team shows up one man short.

They say, we’re one man short, but can we use this boy,
he’s only fifteen years old, and at least he’ll make a game.
They take a look at the kid, muscular and kind of knowing
the way he holds his glove, with the shoulders loose,
the thick neck, but then with that boy’s face under
a clump of angelic blonde hair, and say, oh, hell, sure,
let’s play ball. So it all begins, the men loosening up,
joking about the fat catcher’s sex life, it’s so bad
last night he had to hump his wife, that sort of thing,
pairing off into little games of catch that heat up into
throwing matches, the smack of the fungo bat, lazy jogging
into right field, big smiles and arcs of tobacco juice,
and the talk that gives a cool, easy feeling to the air,
talk among men normally silent, normally brittle and a little
angry with the empty promise of their lives. But they chatter
and say rock and fire, babe, easy out, and go right ahead
and pitch to the boy, but nothing fancy, just hard fastballs
right around the belt, and the kid takes the first two
but on the third pops the bat around so quick and sure
that they pause a moment before turning around to watch
the ball still rising and finally dropping far beyond
the abandoned tractor that marks left field. Holy shit.
They’re pretty quiet watching him round the bases,
but then, what the hell, the kid knows how to hit a ball,
so what, let’s play some goddamned baseball here.
And so it goes. The next time up, the boy gets a look
at a very nifty low curve, then a slider, and the next one
is the curve again, and he sends it over the Allis Chalmers,
high and big and sweet. The left field just stands there, frozen.
As if this isn’t enough, the next time up he bats left-handed.
They can’t believe it, and the pitcher, a tall, mean-faced
man from Okarche who just doesn’t give a shit anyway
because his wife ran off two years ago leaving him with
three little ones and a rusted-out Dodge with a cracked block,
leans in hard, looking at the fat catcher like he was the sonofabitch
who ran off with his wife, leans in and throws something
out of the dark, green hell of forbidden fastballs, something
that comes in at the knees and then leaps viciously towards
the kid’s elbow. He swings exactly the way he did right-handed
and they all turn like a chorus line toward deep right field
where the ball loses itself in sagebrush and the sad burnt
dust of dustbowl Oklahoma. It is something to see.

But why make a long story long: runs pile up on both sides,
the boy comes around five times, and five times the pitcher
is cursing both God and His mother as his chew of tobacco sours
into something resembling horse piss, and a ragged and bruised
Spalding baseball disappears into the far horizon. Goodnight,
Irene. They have lost the game and some painful side bets
and they have been suckered. And it means nothing to them
though it should to you when they are told the boy’s name is
Mickey Mantle. And that’s the story, and those are the facts.
But the facts are not the truth. I think, though, as I scan
the faces of these old men now lost in the innings of their youth,
it lying there in the weeds behind that Allis Chalmers
just waiting for the obvious question to be asked: why, oh
why in hell didn’t they just throw around the kid, walk him,
after he hit the third homer? Anybody would have,
especially nine men with disappointed wives and dirty socks
and diminishing expectations for whom winning at anything
meant everything. Men who knew how to play the game,
who had talent when the other team had nothing except this ringer
who without a pitch to hit was meaningless, and they could go home
with their little two-dollar side bets and stride into the house
singing If You’ve Got the Money, Honey, I’ve Got the Time
with a bottle of Southern Comfort under their arms and grab
Dixie or May Ella up and dance across the gray linoleum
as if it were V-Day all over again. But they did not
And they did not because they were men, and this was a boy.
And they did not because sometimes after making love,
after smoking their Chesterfields in the cool silence and
listening to the big bands on the radio that sounded so glamorous,
so distant, they glanced over at their wives and noticed the lines
growing heavier around the eyes and mouth, felt what their wives
felt: that Les Brown and Glenn Miller and all those dancing couples
and in fact all possibility of human gaiety and light-heartedness
were as far away and unreachable as Times Square or the Avalon
ballroom. They did not because of the gray linoleum lying there
in the half-dark, the free calendar from the local mortuary
that said one day was pretty much like another, the work gloves
looped over the doorknob like dead squirrels. And they did not
because they had gone through a depression and a war that had left
them with the idea that being a man in the eyes of their fathers
and everyone else had cost them just too goddamn much to lay it
at the feet of a fifteen year-old-boy. And so they did not walk him,
and lost, but at least had some ragged remnant of themselves
to take back home. But there is one thing more, though it is not
a fact. When I see my friend’s father staring hard into the bottomless
well of home plate as Mantle’s fifth homer heads toward Arkansas,
I know that this man with the half-orphaned children and
worthless Dodge has also encountered for the first and possibly
only time the vast gap between talent and genius, has seen
as few have in the harsh light of an Oklahoma Sunday, the blonde
and blue-eyed bringer of truth, who will not easily be forgiven.

day #15 of National Poetry Month ~

When I was 19, I gave my mother a book of poetry. Even then, it seemed to me that poetry was the best thing I could offer my loved ones. It was a book academics & serious poets would dismiss with (at best) a shake of the head, but I knew she would like it. And at 19? I did too. :)

Sometimes, the things we love when we are young don’t last well. Weird glasses, flat-ironed hair, low-rider jeans and more. But other things weather time gracefully, even if they show all the lines of their journey. There are short poems in this book that still move me. While some are steeped in sentiment, others have the spare clarity of American haiku.

So today’s poem is from that book of my mother’s, given on a Mother’s Day long ago and far away. Here is an untitled poem from Joan Walsh Anglund’s A Cup of Sun:

 

Just outside my wisdom

are words that would answer everything.

 

day 14 of National Poetry Month ~

I grew up moving. And losing things — as the Elizabeth Bishop villanelle I posted earlier reminds us, the art of losing isn’t hard to master. Except, of course, it is…

Yesterday two of my sisters finally emptied an old dresser of my mother’s. Inside were old letters, photos, and ephemera from all over the world. My sister the keeper of everything familial asked me if I liked the irreplaceable grab bag of letters, postcards, poetry book (and more) that she gave me. Meaning: you aren’t going to throw this all away, are you?? :)

And no, I’m not. My family all think I’m anti-stuff. I am — too much stuff weighs me down. But I’m certainly not anti-memorabilia, or scrapbooks, or photo memories, or the fragile markers of lives well-lived. It’s just that all my life — yes, literally — I’ve either had to move and leave belongings behind, or catastrophe (robbery, flood, fire, war…) has stolen them. I suppose I’m almost afraid to love them…

From the age of no more than 9, I had to have a small suitcase packed w/ whatever I wanted to take out w/ me if we were evacuated from Việt Nam. Even earlier, a flood took my red teddy bear, and my mother had to confirm, when asked, that yes, Teddy was gone.

Class rings, graduation gifts, my sons’ bassinet, so many things lost. And always the knowledge that I might have to (as I did, more than once) move quickly, packing light. It’s the price of growing up an expatriate, I suppose. That feeling of no roots.

So today’s poem is for the expats among us, celebrating not the losses but the exhilerating sense of possibility that a new country, language, & culture offer. There are few things I hate more than packing (root canal, maybe??). But there also is little I like as much as going somewhere new.

Here’s Michael Hogan’s ‘Expatriate':

Expatriate

There is much to recommend
staying where you are. Local
knowledge is the truest kind.
But the suitcase is in my closet once again.
The streets cough up a language
my dog can’t comprehend.

These moves choose me like love.
Or when love dies but clings
until I cut the white bars of skin
against the sharpest rock I find
to crawl newborn in the sun.

Staying where you are
you can still be startled in small ways:
the August lightning, an implausible death,
a glance in the bathroom mirror from a graceless angle.
But to move again!
The brain patterns itself and strains;
synapses brighten, then dim.
The rabbit heart beats wildly
in its tough tortoise skin.

day 13 of National Poetry Month ~

Having spent many years teaching at the ‘higher ed’ level (re: college), I feel qualified to say that the system is sick. Fattened on the blood of adjuncts, centred far too often on the desires of faculty and a profit-driven administration over the needs of students, it’s a system way past overripe. Think piece of fruit ready to implode…

That said, I loved my time teaching university. Mostly because of students, I admit, but also because of the dear friends I made. And living in an environment where learning is important, is valued. I think the ability to exist in a state of heightened learning is an almost sacred state…

So here’s a very cranky poem about what the tenure system does NOT buy us: poets. Any kind of master artist, really. Because the demands of the job suck a person dry, leaving only the fragile husk of some rare and unnamed bug…

Here’s David Lehman, with today’s poem, ‘With Tenure':

With Tenure

If Ezra Pound were alive today
(and he is)
he’d be teaching
at a small college in the Pacific Northwest
and attending the annual convention
of writing instructors in St. Louis
and railing against tenure,
saying tenure
is a ladder whose rungs slip out
from under the scholar as he climbs
upwards to empty heaven
by the angels abandoned
for tenure killeth the spirit
(with tenure no man becomes master)
Texts are unwritten with tenure,
under the microscope, sous rature
it turneth the scholar into a drone
decayeth the pipe in his jacket’s breast pocket.
Hamlet was not written with tenure,
nor were written Schubert’s lieder
nor Manet’s Olympia painted with tenure.
No man of genius rises by tenure
Nor woman (I see you smile).
Picasso came not by tenure
nor Charlie Parker;
Came not by tenure Wallace Stevens
Not by tenure Marcel Proust
Nor Turner by tenure
With tenure hath only the mediocre
a sinecure unto death. Unto death, I say!
WITH TENURE
Nature is constipated the sap doesn’t flow
With tenure the classroom is empty
et in academia ego
the ketchup is stuck inside the bottle
the letter goes unanswered the bell doesn’t ring.


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