Beginner's Heart

Beginner's Heart

anger, patience, and putting out fires ~

This is me mad. I’m only half kidding: I have a terrible social temper. Meaning, what gets me mad is social injustice, and/or the will to ignore it. There’s one problem: I’m always the one defining the term…

Anger is not Buddhist. It’s not Christian, either. In fact, few religious faiths find a helpful rôle for the debilitating state. So I’ve been reading on how Buddhists are supposed to deal with anger. Note: Buddhism is far more polyvalent in ‘ways’ to work, to do work. There are different systems of Buddhism, just as there are different systems of Christianity or Islam, or Judaism. But none embrace anger.

There’s a great saying in Buddhism — I can’t remember where I learned it, but it helps sometimes: If you can’t change it, don’t bother w/ anger. If you can change it, don’t bother w/ anger. In other words? Do what you can — then let the anger go. If you can’t fix it — or don’t want to — then don’t get angry.

Soooo much easier said than done. I’m not good at letting things go.

One of the things Buddhism teaches us is to learn our own natures. Who am I? Who is this ‘me’ that gets angry? And why? In my case, anger is an armour against the pain of an unfair world, and unfair playing field. It’s penance for the many privileges I’m privy to. If I can make it a little easier for someone else, then my own charmed life seems less unfair. And all my advantages a bit less guilty…

Pema Chodron says the antidote to anger is patience. And I’m sure that’s true…. if I could just get a handle on patience…:) But the antidote sounds as hard to practice as working w/ the challenge… Sigh… Maybe that’s why I’m still a beginner…

 

 

 

 

 

sore throats and bad attitudes ~

Some days, you wonder why you keep throwing yourself into the fray. You email a friend, or he emails you, and together you whine about the total futility of it all. ‘It’ being, of course, convincing the bad guys you at least have a right to disagree. This is not that certain a given, these days…

And some days, if you add in a sore throat, total frustration at not feeling well, and a bad case of attitude, you probably shouldn’t be let loose in public… Those days? Here’s my prescription (self-administered, just FYI):  Go to the bird store. I’m serious. Go to the nearest bird store and buy seed, or a feeder, or just look around.

Then go home and set up the new gizmo. And wait. Wait for the reliable tide of nature to turn back in your direction, bringing in purple, house, & gold finches; downy, hairy, & ladderback woodpeckers; sparrows & wrens & jays and cardinals… And more. And just watch.

They get along, guys. They take turns at the saucer of water, queuing up like good kindergarteners, only w/out supervision. Rarely do they even knock each other off — I’ve watched a Carolina wren & and a downy woodpecker feeding on the same side of the suet hanger, w/ a hairy woodpecker clinging to the other side. Even the cheeky English sparrows stand in line for water on a hot Oklahoma day.

I don’t hear them kvetching about things, even though it’s hot, there’s little to eat (if you’re a bird — been too dry), mites must be awful in the heat… And I want more of that.

So I took a FB break for a few days — and I feel better…:) Throat still hurts. I’m still cranky. But you know what? I don’t have the same unfocused ambient anger. And that’s a start. Maybe we all need to do less social media, and more bird time.. What do you think?

 

meeting in our good intentions ~

While on vacation, I kept having what my elder son & I used to call baby enlightenments — epiphanies, a Joycean scholar might say. But targeted towards growing, finding balance. Some were brought on by the way I think (metaphorically): seeing a river, and its shores, and all the ways that speaks to me inside. Or hearing my breath deepen as I climbed a hill.

Mostly, I found myself ‘eldering.’ As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I subscribe to Friends Journal, a wonderfully thoughtful exploration of complex contemporary belief — not only for  Christians, but for all of us who seek to nurture peace & compassion in today’s fragmented world.

That sounds pretty hokey, doesn’t it? But it’s what most of us want, I think, despite what often seem like insurmountable differences. I’m pro-choice, but I’m not pro-abortion. You may be anti-choice, but unless you’re far more anti- than most of the people w/ whom I have contact , you may temper your dislike of abortion w/ an ‘except when’: rape, incest, the life of the mother.

That said, eldering involves just such difficult conversations, sometimes. I find myself talking through my positions on politics, faith, law, and poetry (and yes, I put that right up w/ politics and faith)  on Facebook, trying to explain why I still — despite the bad PR — am proud to call myself a progressive.

But more often, eldering is simple reassurance. At least it seems to be these days. It’s unsettling when I practice what seem to me everyday good manners and the coffee barista, or the waitress, or the guy next to me in line says ‘THANK YOU!’ effusively. As if I had done something worthy of note. Hello! Treating each other kindly shouldn’t be that unusual!

A woman at a coffee shop I frequent in Portland gives me a free coffee,  because I compliment her on her amazing foam art (truly exceptional!). A waitress brings out extra goodies. Over & over, people respond to kindness with kindness. It’s a kind of given… And who doesn’t need some extra TLC these hectic, wearing days?

Former students ask me about graduate schools. Friends from long ago reconnect with poems, and gifts, and celebrate a retirement that so far, at least, seems far more official than actual. :)

It’s a gift, the last 1/3 of our life. I may go a bit beyond those years (I have longevity on my side :)), but I can’t promise I won’t be loopy, as so many of the women in my family have become. So I’m practicing up to be a better elder, with what the Friends Journal tells me is, in part, the job description: being a better listener (not always my strength).

It sounds so simple, and yet it’s key to why the nice barista gave me a free cuppa. I heard her. And I saw her, as the Na’vi would say in Avatar. Perhaps because I’m a poet, I find people fascinating. My husband swears it’s why I became a journalist: so I could ask folks nosy questions. I try hard to make eye contact, if they wish to (but sometimes I forget, and hug folks who are not comfortable w/ the contact! Ack!). Whatever it is they’re doing/ saying/ going through, it’s just good manners to be be part of it. Even if (ouch!) I sometimes blow up and say some dumb thing (to virtual strangers!) like…kick his butt out! You do NOT have to be someone’s punching bag!! (I really did say that to a woman on the bus…)

In other words, I am part of their stories. I watched as the barista rocked the foam across my cup’s surface, carefully focused so that the perfect heart would form. And the man behind me in line? Hello — he only had four things! Why  wouldn’t I let him go ahead of me & my return-from-vacation buy-out??

And while I sometimes wish folks wouldn’t tell me, well, everything (TMI alert!), I’d rather be the ear they need than close down the conversation. If I don’t agree — and being the highly judgmental person I’d rather not be…), I work to meet them in their good intentions. You want to talk about how bad teachers are? I won’t agree. But I will meet you in your fear for your child’s schooling, for education in America. And we can go from there.

Do you feel that the country is going to hell? I don’t — or at least almost certainly not in the way you do. But I can meet you in that place where all the changes and media and in-fighting and corruption are just overwhelming. And we can agree that this is not the middle age we signed up for.

That’s not too much, it seems to me — simple good manners and an effort to move beneath the surface of  rhetoric to the heart. I think it has to be a critical lesson I’m supposed to learn. It just keeps coming up so often ~ beginner’s heart in the middle years.

teachers & bodhisattva vows ~

A comment on an earlier post, from Dasha, reminds me why teaching is so much more than test scores. Why the teacher may be, next to immediate family, the most important person in a child’s life. And why teachers are so often the nicest people I know.

Dasha notes that her students can be annoying. For those of you who don’t teach, think about this: as a teacher you can’t have favourites. An you can’t just ignore the annoying kid. You don’t have that option. I want you to imagine a student who tries every bit of your patience. And you have them all year. And, if you’re a good teacher — as far more are than aren’t — you have to try to help him or her.

Think that the whiney person in the next office, who won’t shut up, shares waaaay too much personal info, and is a walking pig pen, is a pain? Try teaching math, or history, or Spanish to that person. Try reaching out, over & over again, to become friends. It’s not easy.

And it doesn’t always work. But as Dasha notes, it’s so necessary. Parents are so busy. This isn’t new, although certainly two-career families, hard financial times, and just life make it seem even worse these days. A teacher who affirms a child (of any age), helps that child ‘find’ his or her voice? Such teachers are saints.

Or, as Buddhists would say, bodhisattvas. To become a teacher, and stay one — in the face of so much of today’s horrible PR — is to take the professional equivalent of the bodhisattva vow, saying you’ll be there always. And today’s teachers — as you can see from Dasha shares with us — do just that. They’re in for the duration.

I miss teaching. I miss talking about writing, and hearing from students, and loving them. But the part that I really miss? The hard lessons I learn from what it takes out of me. The part you hear loud & clear in Dasha’s story ~

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