Beginner's Heart

Beginner's Heart


tragedy, anger, and Buddhism

grief3Sometimes terrible things happen. To people you love. And you can’t fix it. And you lay awake at night, with your head spinning. Thinking in looping tangles. Mazes of why why why? A refrain of this can’t be happening…

There’s the sinking pit-of-the-stomach feeling. The dizziness and the sandy prickling of unshed tears.  Over and over, there’s the deep rut of what? why? how?

But there’s also sorrow. And not simple sorrow, if that makes sense. Not only sorrow for my loved one — our loved ones. I’m a Buddhist, and the Buddhist in me feels sorrow for people I still find reprehensible. I can’t help it. And I’m not sure i want to change this belief. But when evil happens to those I love, it’s a gut-wrenching, gut-check of my beliefs.

How do I juggle empathy and anger? Where’s the line between this is wrong, you evil being and the real person behind those actions? Why do people commit evil? How can they live with themselves? And how do I reconcile my own grief and anger with the knowledge that no infant begins in evil…? Because if I can’t heal my own battered heart, I have no hope of helping the rest of my family through this. heartbreak

I read somewhere that higher order thinking entails the ability to hold disparate beliefs in mind together. Maybe Buddhism is like that. Maybe this tragedy that befell my loved one  is more complex than just what happened to her. Perhaps the empathy I feel for others involved is the right thing, even if confusing. Certainly Buddhism teaches that we are all connected.

This connection I did not ask for, to this horror, to this person capable of creating horror. Still, we are connected through my loved one, through my love for her and anger at him. It’s all profoundly confusing. All I want to do in one scenario is commit violent mayhem. While the other side of me is reassuring responsible parties.

Is that Buddhism? I wish someone could reassure me.

 



  • http://www.dharmabeginner.com Dean

    The first truth of Buddhism is that everyone suffers. It is an integral part of life and unavoidable. The feelings you are having are not “bad” feelings, they’re perfectly normal. How you respond to those feelings, what you do with them, is the key. But don’t beat yourself up just for experiencing what comes naturally when you’ve experienced loss or pain.

    • Britton Gildersleeve

      Thanks, Dean. That’s what I would — of course! — tell someone else. But it’s so very easy to beat ourselves up, isn’t it? :)

Previous Posts

adventures and distances
We're big on adventures in my family. My beloved enlisted in the Marines during Việt Nam because he wanted to see what it was like. (My mother-in-law -- loopy about many things -- STILL goes ballistic if you ment

posted 12:48:05pm Sep. 14, 2014 | read full post »

small signs from the universe
I believe in signs. I believe that the universe -- some might say god, I probably wouldn't :) -- talks to you. Where I last worked FT, the joke on the 4th floor (where I officed) was Britton believes the universe

posted 3:24:29pm Sep. 13, 2014 | read full post »

a nice hot cuppa
It's chilly outside -- down 49 degrees tonight! And life is chaotic, as we adapt to a downstairs bed for my beloved, a dining table 'office,' and all the other accoutrements of a busted ankle. So here's what you do when life sends you mail you'd like to return to sender: make a cup of tea. Someth

posted 4:45:11pm Sep. 12, 2014 | read full post »

interconnection and the web (of support)
Can you say trimalleolar ankle fracture, three times, FAST? As I said the other day, it means all three bones in your ankle fractured. Broke, busted. And a big OUCH. My poor husband. Today his right ankle look

posted 5:52:29pm Sep. 09, 2014 | read full post »

hands and feet and time
Time. Time to talk, time to laugh, time to share food. Time to poke fun at those you love, time to remember. Time and sisters. This past week I spent days in Dallas (actually McKinney) w/ one of my three sisters and her beloved. A few days after I arrived, our other two sisters decided to drive d

posted 8:58:33pm Sep. 07, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.