Beginner's Heart

Beginner's Heart


grieving for Carol ~

Once again I am wishing I believed in an afterlife where I would reconnect with people who leave me too soon. Leave irredeemably. Permanently. That hard word forever. But I don’t.

Once again I wish I had had more time. More jokes. More stories shared. More of her. But I didn’t.

And once again, I am breathing. Breathing in for her husband, who was there with her to the end. Breathing out for her sister, who is the only one of 3 sisters left, now. Breathing in for her many friends, each of whom has lost someone rare & precious. Breathing one breath at a time, wishing words could save me.

Death is the ultimate rejection, I remember hearing once. I never see it like that. Too many moves as a child leave me looking, still, to see if I might bump into a familiar face. If someone is really just gone for a bit. Just around the corner, up ahead.Some fragment of my childhood clings to me still, and the sense of maybe? still hangs around.

But she isn’t coming back, the adult in me knows. And she had a very short, hard final year. I should be happy she isn’t suffering. Only a bit more than a year ago — not two — she was fine. Just a rasp in her voice. But as of last night? The voice that was stilled far too early by ALS is gone completely now. And I’m sitting here. Breathing. Remembering, once again, that grief has no logic…



Previous Posts

talking to strangers
I know, your mother told you not to. But now you're a grown-up, and I beg you to reconsider. You're sooo missing out! Yesterday I had the loveliest conversation with two strangers -- two of the many I meet daily.

posted 10:30:46pm Jan. 23, 2015 | read full post »

more on time (and acceptance)
I was thinking today about how much I dislike meditating. Not the actual act, but the resistance I have to just doing it. KNOWING that sometime during the day, I should take out the time to sit down and breathe. N

posted 10:04:50pm Jan. 22, 2015 | read full post »

the journey (taking the time)...
All week I've been on a journey. Well, you  might call it 'preparing.' But to me, it's a journey towards Saturday. Begun (thank you, flu) a full week later than it should have started. S

posted 9:29:22pm Jan. 21, 2015 | read full post »

religious extremism, and standing against it
Lately, with the Charlie Hebdo murders, and the massive French protests of extremist Muslims, there's been a great deal of discussion of religious extremism. No single religion has a monopoly: there are many white C

posted 9:43:06pm Jan. 20, 2015 | read full post »

happy is as happy...thinks?
When I saw this FaceBook meme, it resonated for me like a crystal goblet in an opera. Darn near shattered, in fact. :) Seriously? This has been a very rough week. Dear friends battling unknown medical conditi

posted 4:39:16pm Jan. 18, 2015 | read full post »




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