Astrological Musings

Astrological Musings


Negotiating painful family situations

posted by Lynn Hayes

at-home.jpg

Art by Melanie Weidner

It is a commonly held belief among explorers of the New Consciousness that as souls, we work with our guides to choose the life that we will next be born into.  For many people that’s a horrifying thought!  Why would I choose the kind of torment I experienced as a kid?

But the birthchart often reflects with eerie accuracy the psychological setting of the family of origin.  Pluto conjunct the Moon – your mother seemed terrifying to you?  Saturn square the Sun – you never felt you were good enough for your father?  Yet you were born with this astrological chart; the birthchart predates the events that cause us emotional pain.  This makes it hard to continue blaming our parents since it appears that we come into this world already prewired for certain experiences.   Later in life we learn to make conscious choices that lift us out of a state where we simply react to external stimuli that keep us stuck in the psychodrama of our lives.

I am always impressed by the tenacity and strength of my clients, many of whom have come through difficult childhoods with tremendous coping skills and an eagerness to transcend their limitations.  The nugget of transformation lies within every painful situation, and is a great gift.

I’m not so sure it’s necessary to forgive the ones that hurt us, but I DO believe it’s imperative that we end the cycle of blame.  As long as we blame anyone, whether it’s ourselves or someone else, we keep ourselves locked in a box of victimhood from which we can’t escape.  When we make a choice to turn away from blame and self-pity, we naturally open to the gift of power and transformation that awaits.  



  • Beth

    Great post Lynn. I recommend Colin Tippings’ “Radical Forgiveness” process for moving past victimhood into a new paradigm and freedom expecially from old childhood hurts.
    beth

  • Lynn Hayes

    That looks interesting, Beth. From the website of this book: Radical Forgiveness is also a deep commitment to releasing the past. However, the release is more total since it involves a shift in perception that allows us to see that what happened was actually perfect from a spiritual point of view. It is experienced as a profound insight and can occur in an instant.
    Radical Forgiveness enables us to see the spiritual meaning in any situation; the big picture, so to speak. We are able to recognize that life is divinely guided and unfolding for each of us exactly how it needs to unfold for our highest good. We are able to surrender to the flow of life and to learn that, ultimately, there is nothing to forgive.
    When we receive this insight, we can let go of being a victim and find peace, even in the most unpleasant of situations or memories of what happened. And, when we see that, at the soul level, our perceived enemies really love us and are giving us an opportunity to heal and to grow, our hearts open and we are able to come back into alignment with them.

    This last part is extremely difficult to master for most humans, but I’m not so sure it’s even necessary for the release process to happen. But the process of accepting that our early life gave us exactly the experiences that we needed in order to forge a stronger spirit is an important one.

  • reagen

    “…when we see that, at the soul level, our perceived enemies really love us and are giving us an opportunity to heal and to grow…”
    What a bunch of phony mascochistic delusional crap.

  • Mykal

    “…I’m not so sure it’s necessary to forgive the ones that hurt us, but I DO believe it’s imperative that we end the cycle of blame….”
    I can share what I have learned on this, and it is simply this…
    Forgiveness is not for them, it’s for us. In the forgiving of others whom we feel have harmed us, whether real or imagined, we cut ourselves free of the emotional attachment to the event as well as the memory. Then we can let it go, and regain our own personal power of the event.

  • Stacey

    I’ve always been a firm believe of “what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger”. But over the past year, and especially the past few months I have been going through an intense hurt that has caused me to shut down rather than pull myself up by my boot straps as I have in the past. There may be times when the pain just becomes too much for the soul to grow.

  • Von

    I sure do concur with reagen and can
    empathize with Stacey, which I suppose
    means that I haven’t learned true
    forgiveness yet.

  • Lynn Hayes

    While I don’t agree with Reagen that the statement is “masochistic delusional crap,” I do feel that to say our perceived enemies really love us is not very useful. There’s a certain amount of personal empowerment that comes from turning our back on those that have hurt us, and I think that’s a viable part of the process. But the empowerment only comes when we take control of our own lives and stop blaming the ones who have hurt us. Stacey, it sounds like you may be going through a transit of or to Chiron, the Wounded Healer. During those times we are best served by actually walking through the fire of the pain rather than shutting down. By going into the painful feelings and breathing through them we can experience a level of release that isn’t otherwise possible.

  • Beth

    As far as Radical Forgiveness is concerned, its not so much about learning or accepting forgiveness. Its about being willing. The process helps us to get to a state of willingness.
    If we can be in the state of willingness then God( or whatever word you want to use for the universal energy) can do the rest.
    It isn’t about glossing over your feelings of pain or pretending nothing happened or even trying to be “spiritual and forgive because its the right thing to do.
    Humans are often horrible to one another. But RF comes from a perspective that we are souls having a human experience not humans with souls. Thus from a soul level those very painful experiences can often be the very things we needed in order to help us grow into the understanding of the beautiful light that we already are. Those people that seemingly victimize us can be our greatest teachers.

  • Mary

    I picked up a book the other day from the library. It is called Forgiving the Unforgivable, by Beverly Flanigan. It is interesting. She did a lot of research to write a thorough book. Someone just recommended Dr. Phil’s book Life Strategies and its workbook. He also discusses forgiveness. I believe that he mentions getting the injurer out of your life, and forgiving them. Flanigan discusses false, dangerous “forgiveness” and the real thing. She, and Dr. Phil,write about how forgiveness comes more easily when one is feeling strong.
    To me, forgiveness means releasing any feelings/thoughts that the person owes you something. I must admit, though, that if it is a family member, as it is in my case, how does one attempt to have a decent (it has been suggested to me that I have just a very superficial relationship with this person because of the constant put-downs) relationship, even after forgiving? I am at a loss – although one person I admire suggested asking for God’s protection when I talk with this relative so that it doesn’t hurt quite as much, although the fact that the pain would still be there was pointed out. I feel much more at peace now that I am not communicating with this relative, at her suggestion for now, but I feel committed to trying to discern and follow God’s plan for our relationship. Still, I can’t get away from this feeling that I have been put down enough and know it won’t change on this person’s end. I feel OK about saying no to any more circumstances where I am in a vulnerable position because I am around this person and speaking about anything that I care about. Although having an extremely superficial relationship is sad, it seems to be the better alternative at this point. I would be curious about others’ experiences. Having an honest, open discussion with this person has not worked, although I have tried repeatedly. So that idea won’t work.

  • Kim

    Interesting thoughts….and ones that have been made more interesting by my kids.
    My oldest has moon conj Pluto in her first house. Should I worry more about her feeling I’m a terrifying mom in this lifetime or that she had that in a previous? I did have some issues in my younger days controlling my emotions and she was a small child during those times. Can’t say I have it licked but I’m not as terrifying these days I hope.
    I wonder how past-life memories show up in a chart. My youngest related a story to me when she was about 4. Out of the blue one day she told me that a long time ago she was the leader (not her word, but I can’t remember the exact word she used) of a people that another group was trying to kill. She said she knew they wanted her and that if she died they would go away and leave her loved ones alone. She said she walked out into the battle and raised her arms up and….died (I assume she was killed but her story ended as quickly as it started)
    The rather odd thing was the beatific smile she had as she demonstrated her arm raising suicide mission. She said she knew her people would be safe now and it made her so happy.
    She did say that me and her dad and older sister were there…..but that said older sister was her daughter then. We weren’t her parents but she was not able to say what relations we were.
    I tried to ask more questions but she went on her 4 y.o. way and seemed no longer interested in discussing it. It wasn’t a curiosity to her, just part of her life she wanted to tell me about…..like a 4 y.o. would normally tell a mom about some clowns she saw that day or something.
    What would I look for in her chart? She’s Aquarius a hundred times over and is that sort of person especially now at 14 y.o. (very frustrating for this Taurus sun/Virgo Rising) Where do past lives show up in the chart or is more that the whole chart gives an indication?
    Kim

  • Lynn Hayes

    Kim – if your daughter is 14 she’s one of the Uranus/Neptune kids that were born during the connection in 1992-1995. These kids are wired completely differently, and they are much more in tune with other realms of awareness than we are. The Moon/Pluto conjunction does often indicate a karmic link. My moon conjuncts Pluto in my chart and I am closely linked with my own mother, of whom I was quite afraid early in life. She was abusive, but also I was predisposed with Moon/Pluto to be frightened of her. That’s a fascinating story and thank you for sharing it.

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