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Astrological Musings

If you haven’t caught Matthew’s series on compatibility yet, don’t miss it! Here are a few reasons why, along with hilarious videos for extra emphasis:

For Pisces – Goldilocks and the Twelve Signs – “He was so cute, so furry, so lovable. And as always, Pisces was convinced that it would be the same story tomorrow when she woke up sober and he was gone.”

For Aquarius – This is Not the Aquarius Guide – “An Aquarius is born with the knowledge (on some level) that the individual differences between us are like different songs playing on different radio stations at the same time. Even though you can only listen to one station at a time, you (above all others) realize that the same air is being pierced by hundreds of signals at hundreds of frequencies… each one carrying unique sounds. You are born knowing that, whereas most of the rest of us never even catch on that such a thing is happening all around us, all the time.”

For Capricorn – Your attention please: “Comrades: Certain forces have conspired to, at times, deny Capricorn the love and romance that Capricorn requires to function as a powerful, independent entity. In order to more efficiently address this matter, you have all been assigned to one of twelve cadres. You will receive your final score when you return home, or to the factory, or to Re-Education Camp, where you will have a glorious time supporting our future triumph over the forces of solitude.”

For Sag – They’re Off and Running: “Sagittariuses are always being accused of treating their love lives as if they were a sporting event, rather than like love lives. And why not? There’s anticipation, competition, and… more often than not… someone loses. So in that spirit, here’s the handy Sagittarius race card for who’s in the running, with odds of a win. No horse in this race is a guaranteed winner, but some bets are a lot safer than others. Then again, no guts, no glory…”

For Scorpio – CSI Romance: “There’s a mystery to be uncovered here. A blow to the heart… an intense, passionate experience causing shortness of breath, rapid irregular heartbeat, and a flood of endorphins throughout the nervous system, clouding judgement. Although it’s enticing, you can sense the ever-present spectre of danger… and that only increases your curiosity. Congratulations! You’re a Scorpio in a relationship!”

For Libra – Teen Heartbreak Comix:
“You hear a lot that Libras are all about the romance because it’s a Venus-ruled sign. I’m not sure that’s entirely the point. I think most people are suckers for a good romance story, with all the twists and turns required for Boy to finally be with Girl. And Libras love the “love story” part of Love. That’s probably why you find so many Libras who have an interest in astrology… it’s like one of those “making of” documentaries on a romance movie DVD.”

For Virgo – Compatibility Within a Tolerance of +/- 0.2 milliliters: “Humans are driven by biosocial factors to pair-bonding. Further, the efficiency of each bond (“compatibility”) is variable with each individual involved, in part due to personality-based initial conditions (“Sun Sign”). Virgo attempts to place this within a rational context and draw accurate conclusions.”

For Leo: Compatibility with Overture and Curtain Lights: “Welcome to the twelve-screen multiplex of Love. Today we’re going to see if we can successfully hook our friend Leo up with the man/woman/movie of his/her/its dreams. And if you’re a true movie fan, you know that the right review from the right critic can improve your chance of being really entertained… despite the sticky floor and overpriced popcorn. Of course, even your favorite film critic can get it wrong once in a while… and what’s more fun than uncovering an under appreciated cinematic gem?”

For Cancer: Miss Crabtree’s Schoolmarm’s Guide: “Hello, children, I’m Miss Crabtree, your Compatibility teacher this semester. We’re going to do things a little differently this year. I’m going to be handing out your grades at the start of the class, based on how easy or difficult it’s going to be for me to get along with you. Stop fidgeting, Leo! You can bring your mark up with hard work. I’m not going to just hand any of you a passing grade. Okay… I just did that with most of you. Spit that gum out, Capricorn! I’m sure I’ll enjoy this experience with all of you though, and so will you. Otherwise, you can take your sass to the Principal’s office.”

For Gemini: Should I Stay or Should I Go: “Welcome back to the exciting final round of “Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?” Today’s contestant, Gemini, is on the verge of walking away with the Grand Prize… true love! Now Gemini, all you have to do is answer one question correctly. The cash value of the question represents the degree of difficulty involved. Naturally, you might want to pick an easier Sign… but playing it safe all the time didn’t get you as far as it has”

For Aries: Love is a Battlefield: “As much as a cliche as it might be, I still find that when an Aries approaches me about their love life, the question may be “Is so-and-so my soul mate?” or “Should I continue to pursue whatshisface?”… but the real question is “how much of a fight am I going to have to put up to get things right?” But you want romance, and whether you’re a man or a woman, you love the challenge.”

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