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A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile

Depression, Or, why so serious? (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

Why so serious?

“Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression. No man is free who cannot control himself.”
-Pythagoras

For reasons I discussed in the video below, there is a world of difference between someone who is a bit down in the dumps who says they are depressed, and someone with a real diagnosable illness.
Real depression requires real treatment, so I don’t want to be irresponsible and make it seem like it’s all the same. If you aren’t sure which you have, check the video.

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In fact, watch the video below either way!

For now, I want to talk a bit more about depression, and how to get a handle on your ‘negative’ emotions.

I’ll let you in on a ‘secret': there is no such thing as negative emotions.
Some of them feel better than others, of course; but they all have their place.

 

 

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So I’d like to talk here, about why it is you feel depressed in the first place.
I said before that gratitude is all about what you choose to focus on. If you want to feel grateful, and by extension bring more good things into your life, you just have to focus on what IS working rather than what isn’t.

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Depression, however, is choosing to focus on what is NOT working, and by extension you bring more of what is not working into your life.

In the above quote, Pythagoras is saying that what we are concerned about should move us into action, not into depression, and he is absolutely right!

But not only that, he has given you the solution to cure your depression: ACTION!

I have said many times before, that your emotions are your navigation system, they are designed to let you know when you are and aren’t on the right track. So they don’t really have any deeper meaning than that, even though we often attach all kinds of extra baggage to them.

And it’s the same with depression. Let’s assume you feel bad about something, if you take it to mean that you are moving in the wrong direction, what can you do to fix it?

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I’d like to take a slight detour here, and share with you a message I recently sent out as a part of my email Coaching  service, but I think it is relevant here:

“In the final analysis, the questions of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened.
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I have talked many times about being ‘committed’ without being ‘attached'; what that means is to be able to give your all to something, with having no expectations about how it will turn out.

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See, it’s not what actually HAPPENS to us that makes us happy or sad, but how we *react * to what happens to us.

So the question is: when is enough, enough?

When do you get so fed up with something that you just HAVE to change it?
It can be easy to interpret being committed without being attached as saying you should always take everything Life gives you without getting upset about it, either way.

And to SOME degree, this is true.
But it does NOT mean tolerate people and situations that aren’t working. You still have to know what it is you want, and create it.

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Whenever you are faced with a difficult situation, or something you are unhappy with, you have TWO (2) options:

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1.Deal with it.
2.Change it.

That’s it, that’s the menu! Stay in it and complain without doing anything, is not a choice.

Decide what it is you want; if it’s your job, your relationships, anything; YOU choose what you want, first. THEN decide if it is possible to create it where you are, with who you are, or if you need to move on.

And then decide when enough is enough, or to quote Popeye: “when it’s all you can stands, and you can’t stands no more”.

I don’t suggest you tell your boss, significant other, or whomever that you have decided if things haven’t changed in a week/month/year or whatever then you’re leaving, since they will only see it as a threat or ultimatum, and probably not handle it too well.

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But the key is YOU know. And when the time comes, if things haven’t turned around, or aren’t turning around: move on.

It’s all too easy to stay stuck in unworkable situations, and you’ll look up one day and 10 years have passed and life has passed you by. And I can tell you, life is both too short, and waaaay too long, to settle for anything other than true happiness and fulfillment.”

So to bring it all back together, if you are feeling depressed about something (and you’re sure it isn’t Clinical Depression), look at what you have done and haven’t done, and what you can do to change the situation and then DO IT!

Once you are in motion, I’m sure you find your ‘negative’ emotions start to take care of themselves.

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What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Q&A: “Should I convert to Islam for the sake of a man?”

posted by B. Dave Walters

There are many reasons to convert, but I'm not sure getting a date is one of them

Question submitted via Formspring:
“I’ve met a great guy who is a Muslim. He won’t date me cause I am not Muslim. I know he likes me. I am 20 and I want to do the right thing, my friends say I should convert (majority are also Muslim).
My family will not be happy if I do it.”

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The decision to change faiths significantly transcends dating one potential guy. While I’m sure he’s a great guy, there are plenty of great guys of your faith, or who won’t feel threatened by your faith, whatever that is.

Converting to a new religion is a big deal. If he cares enough about being a Muslim that he isn’t going to date a non-Muslim, than he is going to expect you to COMPLETELY acclimate to his faith-based world view. That means it is a lot more than just saying “la ilaha illallah muhammad rasulullah” (there is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his Prophet); it is a way of life.

The firs thing you should do, is learn about his faith. Find out what kind of Muslim he is (they aren’t all the same), and find out what he believes, and what that denomination believes. Find out what your role in his life and family will be. Is he going to expect you to wear a Hijab (veil)? And if he wants that, are you OK doing it?
Open up the Holy Qur’an and read it; see if it makes sense and speaks to your heart and soul.
Is Allah a God you can worship and obey?
Is Muhammad a Prophet you can listen to and pattern your life after?
These are the questions you should be asking, before you even begin to consider converting to Islam, or any other faith.

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In this question, you said what he wants (to date a Muslim), what your friends want (for you to convert) and what your family wants (for you not to convert), but what you didn’t say is what YOU want.
Your time would probably be better spent figuring out who you are and what you want. Once you have a firm foundation of loving yourself first, you’ll have a better idea of what you want in a man and how to know when you’ve found him.

If you decide to convert, convert because you fell in love with Allah, not a boy.
The world doesn’t need any more paper Muslims, any more than it needs any more paper Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, or anything else.

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What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

 

 

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Catching flies with honey, Or, listening to be heard (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

There is a lot going on in there!

“If you can’t communicate with your partner, then you don’t have a relationship” – B. Dave Walters

OK, normally I would never quote myself, but this time it is justified!
I have said again and again that if you can’t talk with your partner, especially in relationships, but even friends and coworkers, then you don’t have a relationship.

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One of the number one things I have learned in my work in the Los Angeles entertainment scene, both as a writer and as a Coach  for various celebrities, is communication is king. What makes a good actor? Their ability to communicate feelings to you, just like good music or writing communicates with you and causes you to feel certain things.

In the video below, I explain all about how to talk / communicate with the people in your life, in order to get the type of results you are trying to get.

Because, communication is the foundation of your happiness and success.
If you can’t communicate effectively, you can’t relate to others effectively, either.

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The reason why I say that, is no one can do it alone. The idea of a ‘self made man’ is a myth, everything we achieve, we do so side by side and sometimes on the shoulders of others who have boosted us up.

In the video below, I explain how only 7% of communication is the words we use. 38% is tone and inflection, or how we say it. The remaining 55% is body language and posture!

Combine that with the fact that when a person takes in a message, we go through a process of deleting, distorting, and generalizing the message we received.

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So the challenge, then, to effective to communication is no only to be clear on what you are really communicating, and what others are really communicating, but to be aware of what it is you are both *hearing * as well!

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Let me give you an example: when you hear me say in my videos, “you’re great, and I love you”, what goes through your mind?
Maybe you think “I love you, too” (thanks, by the way), or maybe you think it’s corny. Or maybe you feel uneasy, because deep down you don’t feel worth of love; or 100 other possible reactions.

The fact is though, all I said is “you’re great, and I love you”, but it can be interpreted an infinite number of ways.

So, how to go about applying this to your life.

First and foremost, if there is a person you are having trouble communicating with, a friend, coworker, or significant other, look first and foremost at yourself.

Begin by listening, REALLY listening, to what it is they are saying. I explain in the video how to know what their primary communication style is, and even knowing that can help you approach them much more effectively; but you’ll never know that until you start paying attention.

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And that’s another clue: pay attention! Be interested! Actually listen to what people are saying, rather than thinking ahead to the next thing you are going to say! You’d be amazed how much information you can gain once you start paying attention to how people say what they say, how they say it, and even what they *don’t * say! Combine that with paying attention to their body language; do they seem happy? Sad? Relaxed, or aggressive? Even if you haven’t been ‘formally’ trained, you’ve been communicating for your whole life; you’ll start to intuitively understand it pretty easily.

But while you’re listening, also be aware of the fact that YOU TOO are generalizing, distorting, and deleting things they are saying. You are filtering what comes into your mind to fit your own preconceived notions of what is going to happen! The only way around this, is to become aware of the fact that you (and everyone else) are already doing it.

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A useful trick, is to repeat back to people what you think they said. If they are telling you something important, or asking you a question, say back to them “so what I’m hearing, is you are saying *blank *” If you got it right, they’ll feel so much better because they know you are paying attention to them (a rare commodity in this day and age); and if you are mistaken, it lets you clean things up right there on the spot.
Taking the time to really listen and understand where someone else is coming from is probably the most important part of effective communication.

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And one other useful trick, is to say things in as few words as possible, so I am going to go ahead and stop here!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Understanding Mrs. Right; Or, traveling to Venus (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

Yeah...it's kinda like that

“It is often necessary to know how to obey a woman in order sometimes to have the right to command her.”
Victor Hugo

Even though my emphasis is on ‘Spirituality’, the fact of the matter is the easiest way to see God is through feeling the love of that special someone.

One of the number one issues I deal with in my Coaching work, is in relationships. Bridging that gap between Mars and Venus to help men and women understand each other.

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Now you may recall that I’ve already talked about how to find Mr/s. Right, so now I want to talk a little more specifically about men and women separately, and how we tick.

In the video below, I give several tips on women, like:
How to understand women, and how they think; how men and women differ and how to bridge the gap; how to understand why women do what they do, and how to communicate with your woman to get results.

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So in this article I’d like to give a little more insight into women, and what it’s like inside their heads and hearts.

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Before we go too far, I want to say clearly that what I am talking about here (and in the previous article on Men, is not meant to be misconstrued as ‘sexist’ in any way. I am not making value judgments, or talking about gender roles, I am talking about biology and the baseline functioning of men and women. Yes, we are all different, yes we are all individual snowflakes, but even individual snowflakes have more in common then not with all the other snowflakes.

If there is one thing that I can impress upon you, is where men are very, very, very, VERY simple creatures: women are *not *!
An average woman has likes, dislikes, opinions and even passions that vary WILDLY from week to week, day to day, even moment to moment.
But every woman, or at least 99.9% of women, wants to know they are safe and provided for (even if she is providing for her self).
A woman needs security and stability like a man needs approval.
I would submit that even dare devil risk-taking women still have areas in their lives when this applies.

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Her drive (for the most part) is to create and nurture. And above all else: to connect and mate with the ABSOLUTE BEST MATE that she can find. If a man’s biological imperative is quantity, then a woman’s is quality.
And I can prove it: look at the average quality of male strippers and prostitutes in the world, and the average quality of female strippers and prostitutes in the world…I rest my case!

Consider that a man’s sexual peak hits in his late teens, just in time for him to procreate before he does something stupid and probably gets himself killed!
Whereas a woman’s sexual peak occurs in her mid to late 30’s, just in time to produce another offspring in her peak years.
Also look at a woman’s much higher bodily production of Oxytocin, the ‘love hormone’. This hormone triggers a pleasurable sensation in a woman’s brain when she is stroked and cuddled, or strokes and cuddles a child (or anything small and soft) in a way that men just don’t experience.

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All things being equal, a man is more concerned with expansion, conquering, and acquiring ‘more’, where a woman is more concerned with improving her comfort level and quality of life, and putting her own special touches on her home and environment.

Now, let me state AGAIN: this is not a value judgment. This is not to say that every woman has to have a home or children, or that she can’t enjoy sex with many different partners. I am simply pointing out the base-line biological drives we both have.

Another thing:
For the most part, you can’t bully, complain, or guilt a woman into doing what you want for a long period of time.
Why would you want to be with someone you have to dominate into submission? More importantly, if you care about this person, why would you even want to?

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If you want to motivate a woman to do something, you always catch more flies with honey. What that that means is you’ll gain much better results through listening and positive reinforcement then you will through bullying, which I explain in detail in the video below.

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Now for something I have not discussed anywhere before now:
I’d like to dispel some common myths about women.
1.Women are illogical and / or dumb
As I said before, you get into murky water anytime you say ALL ____ are ____ since if there is even one example to the contrary, your point has fallen apart! And while there are some highly logical women out there, for the most part the feminine mind is right-brained and non-logical.
NOTE
I did not say ILLOGICAL, I said non-logical.
Where the average man see things in a linear way, A + B = C, a woman has a keener eye for nuance, for the details and meaning that lay in between, behind, and underneath the obvious.
And as for women being ‘dumb’, look up Marilyn vos Savant; she has an IQ of 186 is on the very short list of smartest people in the world.

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2. Any woman who speaks her mind is PMSing, or a bitch.
Fellas, listen.
Never, never, never, never, NEVER assume a woman is on her cycle if she seems like she is in a bad mood. In fact, even if you KNOW she is (from past experience), don’t assume that is *why * she is upset about something.
The fact is, emotions are non-logical (even in men), and are valid in and of themselves.
If she says she feels a certain way, BELIEVE IT.
Don’t try and rationalize, justify, or argue with her about it, just accept it’s how she feels and respond accordingly. This is actually covered in detail in the video below.

3. Women can not be trusted.
You know, I am sorry if you have been burned in the past, or if whomever taught you this got burned in the past. But the fact of the matter is, SOME women *can’t * be trusted. Just like some men can’t be trusted, either. The fact of the matter is the only way to know who is and is not worthy of your trust is to give it to them and see what they do with it. Move as slowly as you need to in order to feel comfortable, and give more as they continue to earn more of it.
But blanket statements about any sex / race / nationality being more or less trustworthy is a sure fire recipe for a life of paranoia, failed relationships, and loneliness!

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4.Women don’t like sex as much as men do.
Maybe you’re doing it wrong!
Seriously, we already discussed that a man has a *stronger * drive for multiple partners, but that doesn’t mean that women like it any less than we do. I think this myth lay in the fact that many men can’t comprehend the idea that a woman’s number one sex organ is between her ears.

Make her feel loved, make her feel beautiful, make her feel special. Make her feel pampered, cared for, and sexy.
Take the time to learn how to become a better and more attentive lover and I think you’ll find she wants it as bad or worse than you do!

When in doubt, a little red wine, soft music, and a nice back rub and chances are high you’re off to the races.

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5.All women want to settle down, get married, and have babies.
Wait, didn’t I basically say that earlier in the article?
NOOOO I didn’t. I said she has a stronger drive to settle down, just like men have a stronger drive *not * to settle down. But this by no means guarantees every woman wants that, not by a long shot. She has her own hopes, dreams, and aspirations, and a husband and / or children may not fit into that picture.
But I WILL say that around 30ish she’ll start thinking REAL hard about it, though!

But, please, let me leave you with something:
I have seen more relationships killed by one person’s insecurity then anything else. Yes, you have to find a way to communicate; if you can’t communicate, you don’t have a relationship.
But you have to take the time to face your fears and decide what is and is not worth saying. Remember, the measure of communication is in the response it gets; if you know something you are going to say is going to upset her, and not gain you anything, then don’t say it!

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Remember, she is a complex creature. What she wants may change, and she may not be able to explain ‘why’ she feels how she feels. She has thoughts, opinions, hopes, dreams and fears; she is NOT just a boob delivery system!And no, she may not want to watch the game, and no, she may not think like you do! But if you want someone who thinks just like you do…date guys.

But listen to her, love her, and let her know you love her.
Be sweet to her until she proves to you she doesn’t deserve it…and if she doesn’t deserve it, let her go and move on!

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What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Understanding Mr. Right; Or, how to train your husband (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

“It takes time to persuade men to do even what is for their own good”

He can't hear you!

-Thomas Jefferson

Even though my emphasis is on ‘Spirituality’, the fact of the matter is the easiest way to see God is through feeling the love of that special someone.

One of the number one issues I deal with in myCoaching work, is in relationships. Bridging that gap between Mars and Venus to help men and women understand each other.

Advertisement

Now you may recall that I’ve already talked about how to find Mr/s. Right, so now I want to talk a little more specifically about men and women separately, and how we tick.

In the video below, I give several tips on men, like:
How to understand men, and how we think; how men and women differ and how to bridge the gap; how to understand why men do what we do, and how to communicate with your man to get results.

So in this article I’d like to give a little more insight into men, and what it’s like inside our heads and hearts.

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Before we go too far, I want to say clearly that what I am talking about here (and in the follow up article on Women), is not meant to be misconstrued as ‘sexist’ in any way. I am not making value judgments, or talking about gender roles, I am talking about biology and the baseline functioning of men and women. Yes, we are all different, yes we are all individual snowflakes, but even individual snowflakes have more in common then not with all the other snowflakes.

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If there is one thing that I can impress upon you, is that men are very, very, very, VERY simple creatures. If you ever want to know what a man is thinking, or why he does what he does, 9/10 times the simplest solution is the accurate one!
For the most part, we only want a handful of things: food, sex, sleep…and silence!

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Our drive (for the most part) is to go out and hunt, to conquer, to be a warrior. And above all else: to spread the seed. It is our biological imperative to have as much sex as we can, as often as we can, quite frankly with as many partners as we can.

NOW, let me be clear!
I am not justifying male infidelity, we do not have to give in to these urges!
Any guy that claims that he can’t help it is fooling himself; self control is the very thing that sets us above the animals. But, the point I am making is the biological drive *NEVER * goes away. It doesn’t mean he has to do it, it doesn’t mean he isn’t in love with you, it is just how he is wired.

Consider that a man’s sexual peak hits in his late teens, just in time for him to procreate before he does something stupid and probably gets himself killed!
Whereas a woman’s sexual peak occurs in her mid to late 30’s, for reasons we’ll discuss in the next article.

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Another thing:
For the most part, you can not nag, complain, or guilt a man to doing what you want for a long period of time. More importantly, why would you want to?
Why would you want to be with someone you have to dominate into submission? More importantly, if you care about this person, why would you even want to?

If you want to motivate a man (or woman, for that matter) to do something, you always catch more flies with honey. What that that means is you’ll gain much better results through positive reinforcement then you will through nagging, which I explain in detail in the video below.

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Now for something I have not discussed anywhere before now:
How to know if a man is, or is not, interested in you.

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1.Does he say he is?
If he is asking you to spend time with him, or showing an excessive interest in you (more than you see him showing others), then chances are high he is interested. If he doesn’t show you any attention, or worse, tells you he isn’t interested then…he’s not.
Seems self evident, but you would be shocked how many people I know who are chasing men who have clearly told them it is not going to happen, and yet they chase him anyway.

2.Does he do things for you, however big or small?
He should be exerting some effort to see or talk to you.
How much he does will vary by the man, and the environment in which you interact. For instance, if he’s a coworker, maybe he asks you to lunch, or offers to pick up food for you. If you have a class, maybe he asks you to get together and study. Maybe he waits around longer than he has to in order to talk to you, or works to strike up conversations.
By the same token, if he DOESN’T do that; if he consistently leaves without you, if he is always giving you 1 word replies, if he forgets you when he gets coffee for himself: those are big hints that he’s not interested.

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3.Have you met his friends?
If you haven’t met his friends, YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND!

4.Do you have more than one way to contact him?
What I mean is, do you have his Facebook, cell phone, and home phone (if he still has such a thing)? If you call, does he answer more often then not, even if it is just to tell you he’ll call you back? Does he respond to your texts, more often then not?
Or does he take forever to get back to you, or is short with you sometimes?
It used to be if a man would give his cell phone, but not home phone number, it meant he was married, or at least had a serious girlfriend.
Because so many people only have cell phones now it’s not quite so clear cut, but if he only gives you one way to contact him, or only calls you back at odd times, or gets off the phone in a rush, these are all red flags that there’s someone else.

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But, please, let me reiterate:
You can NOT argue, nag, or complain him into doing what you want him to do, at least not for long. Yes, I know you need reassurance from time to time, but if you are allowing your fear to make you paranoid, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

I have seen more relationships killed by one person’s insecurity then anything else. Yes, you have to find a way to communicate; if you can’t communicate, you don’t have a relationship.
But you have to take the time to face your fears and decide what is and is not worth saying. Remember, the measure of communication is in the response it gets; if you know something you are going to say is going to upset him, and not gain you anything, then don’t say it!

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Remember, he is a simple creature. He wants simple things, and the simple approach is best, 99.9% of the time. Be sweet to him until he proves to you he doesn’t deserve it…and if he doesn’t deserve it, let him go and move on!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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How to BE Mr/s Right, Or, spiritual loving II (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

It takes two to tango!

“A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge” -Thomas Carlyle

People say dating is hard in Los Angeles, because of the facades that people put up; but I think dating and relationships can be challenging all over the world.

One of my most popular articles to date was ‘Spiritual Loving‘, my article on how to find the right person. Between that article and the video below, I shared several ways to locate and catch that special someone.

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So for this article, I want to flesh out some of the ideas from those two places, and share some thoughts I’ve had since they posted.

And one other thing: all of these points apply to a single person who is in the market, and for a person who already has a relationship; since even a good one has room to become great.

In my coaching, I often hear people ask me how to ‘make’ someone love them. Or tell me all manner of things the other person has done to them, and yet they keep taking it believing the time will come that the person spontaneously changes. So, then, here is the first point:

Words lie, actions always tell the truth.

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It doesn’t matter what people say, it matters what they DO. If he tells you he loves you, but hits you; he doesn’t love you. If she tells you she loves you, but cheats on you all the time, she doesn’t love you. It may be your situation isn’t worth salvaging in the first place, in which case you need to know when to let go.

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Also, if you are having trouble committing, or that person is having trouble committing to you, it is because of one of two reasons: the past, or you think something better is going to come along.

If you’ve taken the time to complete the past and still don’t feel it, then again it may be that the relationship has run it’s course; the two of you had your time and now it is time to move on for both of your sakes.

We all have different wants and needs in a relationship; obviously the you have to feel an attraction to the person or you may be better off as good friends; but when the dust settles you only need one thing in order to have a successful relationship:
You need to find someone you can love, respect, and grow with; who can love, respect and grow with you. In short you have to be able to put up with each other’s crap and still love one another afterwards. That may not sound very poetic, but it’s a fact. You will have disagreements; but can you talk to each other like adults and work it out, or will you bicker like children?

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Which leads to my next point: communication.
Talk to each other, and BE HONEST!!!!
Resolve right now, today, to give up pointless tests and mind games. Become open an honest in your dealings with your partner, and everyone else you deal with. Now don’t get me wrong, I realize there has to be a bit of mystery in a relationship; and if you tell them you love them on the first date that may not go over well. But in general, be clear on what you think and how you feel.

If you can’t talk to that special someone, then you may not be as special to them as you think.

Which leads to the next point: you have to be on the same page.
If one of you is in love, and the other one is just in it for sex, you are in trouble! You have to both understand what it is; are you just dating? Purely physical? Maybe going to spend the rest of your lives together (maybe)?

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If one of you wants to get married and have 10 kids and the other one refuses to get married ever or have kids, you may be in trouble!

I have gone on record many times saying it is better to be alone than be with the wrong person. At least if you are alone, you are telling the Universe you are open to receiving something better; if you continue to cling to something you know isn’t working you are telling the Universe you don’t want anything better.

And not only that, both of you deserve to have relationships that are happy and fulfilling with someone who will love every inch of you. If you don’t have that, create it. If you can’t create it,move on.

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Now, let’s say you want to get someone to pay more attention to you. The way to get more attention is:

MAKE SPENDING TIME WITH YOU THE BEST AND MOST ENJOYABLE THING IN THE WORLD FOR THAT OTHER PERSON!

Now I know this has never happened, to *you *, but back in my single days I had more than one girl throw tantrums or do crazy things to get me to pay more attention to them. And while it’s true it will get you attention, it’s probably not the attention you want!

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If you want him to turn off the game to talk to you, try wearing something he likes seeing you in. If you want her to go get coffee with you, make her feel beautiful. The point is: catch flies with honey. Be the person they light up to see; and you’ll become their favorite person, in no time.

By the way:
If you haven’t tried it, give online dating a shot. Believe it or not, I met my wife on a dating site and we’ve been married for over 8 years!
I know, I know, hear me out: you might think it sounds lame, but it’s no lamer than meeting people in bars or sitting home alone. And if you ‘tried it but it didn’t work’, message me on Facebook  and I’ll help you put together a better profile and make better choices of who you go out with!

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You need to try lots of different things on and off line; but it’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of work, maybe school, home over and over again. The older we get the harder it is to be exposed to new people, and online dating helps get around that. All online dating does is remove time and space from the dating equation, and let you meet new people in an easy way. And, you can learn more about them then just knowing they have a cute face and are in the same room with you, which is all know when you met people out in the real world.

And one final thing:
You don’t HAVE to have a relationship in order to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, the right relationship makes everything in life better; but the wrong one makes EVERYTHING worse. Don’t look to another person to complete you or fill in some sort of hole in your life, look for that person who is going to boost you and help you fly higher and higher than you ever could have imagined.

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Check out the video, apply the tools, and watch your love life explode. Let me know how it works out, and be sure to send me an invitation to the wedding!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

 

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Letting go, Or, after the love is gone (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

You have to know when to let go

 

*This was my most popular article to date…how to get over anyone or anything!*

“I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken — and I’d rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.”
-Margaret Mitchell

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Over the last few days, I’ve had quite a few people ask me how to let go of negative emotions, especially how to let go of past relationships and move on. I figure, if so many people have asked the same question, then many other people must be thinking and struggling with it in their own lives.

My most popular article to date was ‘Spiritual Loving’, where I explained how to find that Mr/s. Right; so it’s only fitting that we now talk about the other end of the journey together.

I included in the video below a general tool you can use to let go of negativity and hurtful emotions, but here in the article I want to talk specifically about moving on from a relationship that has run its course, especially if it ended badly.
Of course, this works much better if I know you and can hear the details of your situation, so if you want to talk about it send me a friend request on Facebook  and we will.

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In the mean time, here are some steps you can take to get yourself through.

1.Listen 
Listen to the other person, and what they are saying. All too often a person asks for space and we won’t give it, or tries to tell us what we are doing that is hurting them and we won’t listen. There are two sides to every story; try and really hear them and what they are saying.

2.Decide if it’s really over or not
Are you 100% sure it’s over? Is it possible it’s just little break that you can recover from if you talk it out and work together?

3.Decide if you really want it to be over
Do you even want this person back? Is this relationship really worth your time?
Here is a test that I’ve used hundreds of times to determine if a relationship is worth staying in. If you’re honest with yourself, it is 100% accurate:
Do you spend more time being happy with this person, enjoying one another, and thinking wonderful loving thoughts;
Or
Do you spend more time fighting, arguing, being unhappy, or wondering if you’re happy. Because if you have to ask if you’re happy: you aren’t.

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Whichever one of these you decide is your answer: if you spend more time happy, stay and fight to make it work; if you spend more time unhappy, it’s time to go.

4.Could you see yourself with them a year from now? Ten? Fifty?
Is this person ‘the One’? Are they the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you know they aren’t, then all the time you spend with this person is time you’re getting further away from the person who IS the one for you.
Staying with the wrong person blocks the Universe’s ability to send you the right one.

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5.Remind yourself of all the reasons it won’t work out, and you are better off apart.
Have you ever heard the saying “no one ever remembers the day it rained at Disneyland”? It means that it is easy to forget why things didn’t work out in the first place! Now let me be clear: I’m not saying to fill up your heart with negative emotions, I am simply saying you need to get some leverage on yourself: the more reasons you know you are better off apart, the easier it will be to let go.

6.Remind yourself of all the wonderful lessons you were blessed to learn from this experience, and how it will make you a better, stronger person.
We’ve said again and again that gratitude is the secret to the Law of Attraction, and we have to be grateful, even for relationships that didn’t work out. That’s why you don’t just focus on what didn’t work, but on the good things and lessons you are going to take away.

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7.Have you forgiven them for what they did?
I wrote a previous article  on why people do what they do. For the most part, people don’t set out to do things to hurt you, even though that may be what ends up happening.
No matter what they did, you have to forgive them for it.
Buddha said “holding on to anger with the intention of hurting another person is like picking up a hot coal to throw it: you are the one who gets burned.”
Anger and negativity clouds your mind and your energy, and stops you from being able to attract positive things and new love into your life.

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No one can make you feel bad without your permission. Don’t give them the power over you to rob you of your joy. They don’t deserve it.

8.Have you forgiven yourself?
Like I said, there are two sides to every story.
If I ask your Ex what happened, their version of events is probably *very * different from yours! Breakups have a bad tendency to bring out the worst in us, and it may make us say or do things we don’t mean.

You may also be punishing yourself for opening up, or for being too trusting, or having not seen the signs that something was wrong.
I wrote before about how regret can only exist in the past, and fear can only exist in the future. A big cause for all the problems we have in this world is people haven’t released their past hurts, and forgiven everyone involved including themselves. This gets us into situations where we aren’t reacting to what is actually happening, we are reacting to situations that have happened in the past!

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Let me give you an example: have you ever seen someone completely overreact to something harmless? Or maybe they got really weird and started acting strangely once your relationship became more serious. Maybe *you * get uncomfortable when things start getting too serious. This is because if we’ve been hurt in the past, we become hyper sensitive and afraid of being hurt again in the future.
But that’s no way to live, and it is DEFINITELY no way to love.

The only way to be in a relationship is fully and openly; it is possible that a person may betray that trust, but it doesn’t mean the next person is going to. Don’t punish the next person for this one and past one’s mistakes.
I can tell you this: a broken heart feels bad, but living life with your defenses up and never knowing true and unconditional love feels much, much worse.

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9.Let it go. 
Trust that God / The Universe will make sure everything works out for the best. Even if it’s not how you hoped it will turn out, know that the absolute best thing for you and for ex.

Forgive yourself and let it go, the pain you’re feeling isn’t from wanting their forgiveness or approval, but from needing your OWN forgiveness and approval. Even if s/he calls you tomorrow it won’t make a difference if you don’t accept the truth in your heart.

Once you’re OK with what has happened, you’ll be able to see things more clearly and let them work themselves out for the best.

If it’s meant to be, it will be. You can’t force it, and even trying to force it will just make it move further away.

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I hope this helps. Like I said before, if you want to talk send me a friend request, or become afan and we’ll figure it out together.

 

How to let go of anything

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What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

 

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Spiritual loving, Or, finding Mr/s. Right

posted by B. Dave Walters

*My most popular writings to date was a series of articles I did on relationships:
how to find that special someone, how to BE that special someone; how to understand how men think, and how women think,
and how to get over it when things don’t work out.
This is part 1!*

 

“If two stand shoulder to shoulder against the gods,
Happy together, the gods themselves are helpless
Against them while they stand so.”
~Maxwell Anderson

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As I have said before, there is nothing in this life more important or fulfilling than having a relationship with your Creator; call it the love of your spiritual life.
But a very close second to that is true, genuine, honest love with another person right here on Earth.
Nothing makes life better and all your goals more attainable than being with the right person; just like nothing can make life worse than being stuck with the wrong one. Take it from my hard won experience: it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. Because if nothing else, being single opens you up to the possibility of the Universe sending the right person your way; being with the wrong person is one big drain on your energy and happiness.
For our purposes, the bare minimum is someone you can love, support, and grow with who will love, support, and grow with you. If you spend more time unhappy, or wondering if you’re happy (which means you aren’t), then you might be with the wrong person.
So, what stops most people from finding that special someone?
My first, second, and third answer is fear. Fear of rejection, of betrayal, of disappointment, of being abandoned, all of which we already talked about here.
So for our purposes today, we will assume you’ve dealt with, or are at least willing to face your fear and move towards finding that special someone, or improving your relationship with the special someone you already have.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: this process I’m about to lay out for relationships actually applies to * anything * you want to do or change in your life.
First, decide what it is you DON’T want. Maybe you definitely don’t want a man who’s unemployed. Or you don’t want a woman with ‘daddy issues’. Or they can’t be too tall, or too short; too fat, or too skinny. If you’re already in a relationship, maybe you don’t want to stay home every night, or argue over pointless stuff, or stop holding grudges. Think of it like a reverse Christmas list: write it all down.
Second, decide what you DO want, and write it in as much detail as possible. You can start with the exact opposite of everything on the ‘Don’t’ list, but it’s more powerful to say “I want a man with a muscular body and 6 pack abs” then “I don’t want a fat guy”. There is power in being specific; if nothing else, if you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, how will you know when you find it?
Think of this as your superstar wish list, nothing on the list is too big. If you want to marry a supermodel, write it down. If you want a billionaire oil tycoon, write it down; don’t sell yourself short on this.
Next, decide what that type of person wants and is attracted to, or what you have to do to get your current someone to act how you want them to act. For instance, if you want your wife to stop yelling at you, how can you make her feel like you’re listening to her? If you want your boyfriend to stop going out with his friends every night, what can you do to make staying home more appealing?
If it’s a certain type of person you’re after, where do they go? What do they do for fun, where do they spend their time? What kind of man is that supermodel looking for? What kind of woman appeals to that tycoon?
Before I tell you the next step, I need to warn you: most people won’t do it.
It’s easier to stay put and accept a comfortable mediocrity than really go all-in and reach for something wonderful. So, before we go on: reread that list of what you DO want. Look how great it is, how wonderful it would feel. Just imagine having a romantic dinner with that person, and a * wonderful * dessert, if you know what I mean….
Got the tingle? Good.
Here is the final step: set about turning yourself into what that dream guy or girl would be attracted to.
I hear you, you shouldn’t have to change. You’re a wonderful delicate, perfect tulip and he should love you for how you are right now. And hey, I agree with you: you’re perfect just the way you are.
But, if who you are and what you’re doing was going to get you that perfect relationship, you’d have it already.
So let’s try something different. Go with me on this, I did it, and everyone who’s listened to me has gotten spectacular results. If you want your husband to stop watching sports so much, try watching it with him and learning the game; who knows, you might like it. If your ideal woman is a cyclist, you should probably learn to ride a bike. If you want a bodybuilder, they may not be attracted to you with 30% body fat. It’s hard to be a mopey cynic and hook the life of the party.
A word of warning though: I’m not saying fake like you are something you’re not, that is just deceptive and will come back to bite you; make changes you actually want to make. Go to these new places because you’re genuinely interested in doing something new, not just trying to bag a millionaire. Always be yourself, but improve yourself in new and interesting ways, understand?
So, does listening to me and doing these things 100% guarantee you’ll find that person? I wish I could promise that, but I can’t. There are a lot of moving pieces inside the Human mind and heart, and there are 10 times more when you add in another person! But I can promise you this: in a few months or years you’ll wake up in the morning and feel so proud of yourself won’t believe it. And that billionaire supermodel bringing you breakfast in bed just might feel the same way, too.

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

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You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

 

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How to stop worrying and give up stress

posted by B. Dave Walters

This doesn't have to be you!

In a recent episode of my radio show, Rise UP with B. Dave Walters we talked about worry, stress, and how to deal with it.  One of the core principles of Buddhism known as the 4 Noble Truths can really help shed some light on how to deal with this in your own life, rather you consider yourself to be a Buddhist or not:

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1. Life consists of suffering (pain). The first Noble Truth

2. The Root of suffering is Attachment. The second Noble Truth

3. The End of all suffering is attainable. The third Noble Truth

(If there is a beginning to suffering, then there must be an End to that suffering, and therefore a Way to End the Suffering.)

4. There is a Path to the End of all Suffering, and that Path is the Dharma. The fourth Noble Truth.  If you are interested in learning about the Path, click here.

So, how can you apply this to your own life and begin to free yourself from the twin thieves of regret for the past and fear of the future?

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Two very simple things you can do are, first focus on what it is you are grateful for.  You may have heard this before, but do you actually DO it, especially when times are tough?  If your job is difficult, be grateful that you have a job at all; many people don’t.  If you are unhappy with your body, focus on what you like about yourself; be it your eyes, hair, how you walk or even your personality.  Keep a list of things you are grateful for and read it as often as you can, especially when you are down.

It’s impossible for worry or fear to exist in the same space as gratitude, so pick which one you’d rather live in!

The second thing is to ‘focus on the love’.  For instance, if you are a writer focus on the love of writing rather than on how you are going to sell your work, even if that’s your end result.   Do everything you do to the best of your ability, and focus on the most enjoyable aspects of it.  If you’re doing something that may not seem to have any positive aspects, then focus on the joy of accomplishment!  There was something that made you choose your current life path, something you were attracted to; focus on that and how great it feels to be living into a goal you set for yourself.

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And if you have a goal that you are having trouble motivating yourself to do, focus on how much FUN you are going to have in its pursuit.  If you can learn to enjoy the journey, and by journey I mean process, then you can reach any and all goals you set for yourself since patience and hard work won’t feel like work at all.

To recap: focus on what you’re grateful for, what IS working in your life, and what you enjoy doing now and in the future.

Two simple steps shifts in focus that will change your life forever!

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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Q&A: Self-control; Or, How to manage your moods (VIDEO)

posted by B. Dave Walters

It really is all in your head

Question submitted via Formspring.me:
“Hi Dave, do you have any advice on controlling moods.
Today was a kinda off day for me. A guy was trying to flirt with me at the grocery store, and I completely blew him off. He said hi and smiled at me, I said hi back in a not so friendly way! LOL”

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We’ve discussed how to feel happy in an instant (with a video on how to do it) already, so here let us discuss how to control your feelings rather than be controlled by them.

The number one thing to keep in mind is: just because a thought pops into your head, doesn’t mean you have to believe it!
Remember, your emotions are supposed to be a navigation system; a way to know if you are on or off track.

The challenges arrive when you start trying to let emotions make your decisions; that is your Conscious Mind’s job.
Let’s look at a standard situation: say you get yelled at at work, and you leave an go to the grocery store. A nice guy comes up and says hi, and you snap at him since you’re still irritable from before, and you end up missing out.

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Sound familiar?

Or, when confronted with the situation at work, you can take a step back.
Ask what’s going on with your boss that made her come down on you like that. Maybe she’s got her own problems at home, or her boss just came down on *her *. Maybe in her mind she didn’t come down too hard at all, and didn’t mean to upset you at all. Maybe she really DIDN’T come down too hard, and you are overreacting because you are too sensitive.

The only thing you can say for certain is, your boss said what they said, and you made it mean what you made it mean.

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The specific answer to your question, then, on how to control your mood is to choose to control your mood! Be aware of what is triggering you, and what the hidden meaning behind it is. If something is making you mad, figure out what it is and deal with the REAL issue. If something is scaring you, remember fear is a call to preparation: get ready for it and then release the fear.

Consciously choose not to take out your own aggression and frustration on others, even though they may do it to you. Resolve today to take yourself off autopilot, and start looking at the cause and consequences of your words and actions before you take them.
The ability to still make choices and not be dominated by our emotions is what sets us above the animals.

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What do you think they should do? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click subscribe over on the right hand side!

B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

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