Question submitted via Formspring:
“I have been with my neighbor for a month, and we have been very close. All of the things you would expect in a loving relationship
and it was all heading the right way.. except he told me he was going away with his last girlfriend for 3 days! I was so shocked that I told him if he goes I cannot be his girlfriend anymore. He chose to go so I finished it and just don’t understand why he would do this when he told me I was the one etc. We did not mention love as it’s all a bit too soon but we were heading into a serious relationship. I have self worth and boundaries, so that is why I stepped aside. There has been no contact since and I miss him already and don’t understand why he hasn’t even contacted me. Any advise please?”
First, let’s break this down into pieces:
You’ve been dating a guy for a month.
He is your neighbor (yikes!)
He told you that you were the one, but *not* that loves you.
He decided to go on a trip with his ex…was it something he had planned before he met you?
You asked him not to go, and said you’d break up with him if you did.
He went anyway, and you broke up with him (good for you!)
He hasn’t contacted you since, and you don’t know why because you miss him.
So, the first thing is: I acknowledge you for standing up for yourself, and ending it. The second thing is, what difference does it make if he contacts you? What exactly is it that you are looking to hear?
I’d *imagine* that you’re looking to hear that he made a mistake. That he misses you, that he was wrong to leave with her, and that he should have taken you on the trip instead. And, unfortunately, that call isn’t coming. He was quite clear on what it meant to be with her, they’d been involved before, after all. He was also quite clear on what it meant to be with you, and he was willing to give that up completely to be with her. No good.
What you are REALLY looking to hear is why. WHY did he choose her, and WHY doesn’t he want to be with you, to which I would say: Does it matter? What exactly can he say that you will want to hear? What if he tells you that he loved her the entire time, and only dated you because he was on the rebound? What if he tells you she’s pregnant with his baby? What if he says they are both a part of the same cult, and they were gone on a 3 day retreat? The truth is, there is no why; there is only what you know to be absolutely sure: You told him if he did this thing, you’d be done…and he did it anyway.
It is normal and natural to feel hurt, confused, and disappointed by something like this. And unfortunately, only time can heal that pain completely. Considering that you only dated for a month, it shouldn’t take TOO long for you to be able to move on. The most important thing to remember is this: You kept your self-respect and stood up for yourself and what you deserve, so don’t start back tracking now. You absolutely did the right thing, and whether or not it hurts that is something you should be proud of.
You are great, and I love you!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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