A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile


Q&A: ‘I have never been in love; is there something wrong with me?’

posted by B. Dave Walters

Be patient, it will happen exactly when it’s meant to

Question submitted via Formspring:
“I never have any feelings for any men… I’m attracted to men and meet a lot of nice guys but I can never feel anything more for any guy, and I only have even had strong feelings for one man before. Is something wrong with me?”

Let’s break this one down into pieces.  You never have feelings for any men, yet you say you are attracted to them.  It would seem that you are capable of sexual attraction, but not emotional intimacy.  You meet lots of ‘nice’ guys, but you’ve only ever had strong feelings for one…who was he?  And, where is he now?

Well two bits of good news: First thing is, no, there is nothing wrong with you. The second thing is, I can almost certainly tell you what your mental block is, and how to fix it. The bad news is, even though the answer is simple, it is not easy.

What is your relationship with your father like, and what was his relationship with your mother like?  Our parents are not only our first experience of loving a member of the opposite sex, but also our blueprint for what love and relationships are supposed to look like.  If they had a particularly dysfunctional or toxic relationship, it may be you have just never had a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like.

You can learn a lot about yourself but taking a closer look at the one man did you have strong feelings for.  Look and see what it was in him that attracted you, and also look at why it didn’t work out with him.  I bet you almost anything that he was substantially like your father, or at least the type of person you imagine your father to be.

Unfortunately, a person who’s capable of physical but not emotional intimacy is usually the result of one thing:  A history of abuse of some sort.  People who are physically or sexually abused tend to respond by becoming hyper-sexual, or completely asexual, and the connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy is completely short-circuited.  If this is not the case, the root of your block is still in your past, probably before you were 10 years old, and definitely before you were 20…unless you experienced some sort of MAJOR emotional trauma after that.

The answer, however, is the same: Forgive the people who hurt you for whatever they did, or did not do.  Remember that as we have talked about before, forgiveness is not saying whatever they did or did not do is right (because it certainly wasn’t ; it’s about releasing the pent up resentments you still hold in your heart.  Forgiveness is not something you do for them; it is a gift you give yourself.

Once you are clear on who and what it was in the past, and have at least begun the process of releasing that negativity, then you’ll be ready to understand how men really work, and what it takes to find the perfect relationship.  In the meantime, be patient with yourself and don’t push too hard.  It took your whole life to get where you are right now, and it’s going to take some time and effort to get to exactly where you want to be.

You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything: http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha – Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism – Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another – A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 



Previous Posts

3 Simple rules for a happy life
"You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alo

posted 4:38:45am Sep. 20, 2014 | read full post »

Suicide, and making sense of the senseless.
“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.” ― Albert Camus Anyone who’s lost a loved one to suicide knows how uniquely painful and confusing it can be.  The death of Ro

posted 1:24:39am Sep. 01, 2014 | read full post »

How to use the August Super Moon
Starting August 10, we’ll be experiencing one of the three ‘super moons’ of the summer, where the Moon is physically closer to the Earth, making it appear bigger and brighter in the sky.  This a

posted 11:01:13pm Aug. 09, 2014 | read full post »

Q&A: I STILL don’t know what to do with my life…HELP!
Question submitted via Formspring: “Hi, I've been reading some of your posts, really interesting and encouraging, I kinda feel better and not that lost but I can't stop thinking about what I can do.

posted 11:41:37pm Aug. 03, 2014 | read full post »

The Spiritual Lessons of Superheroes
As of the time of this writing, San Diego Comic Con is starting up.  I'll be appearing on a panel on Spiritual Themes in Comics on Saturday at 6 PM in room 4...stop by and see me if you're in town!

posted 5:58:23am Jul. 24, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.