Question submitted via Formspring:
“I never have any feelings for any men… I’m attracted to men and meet a lot of nice guys but I can never feel anything more for any guy, and I only have even had strong feelings for one man before. Is something wrong with me?”
Let’s break this one down into pieces. You never have feelings for any men, yet you say you are attracted to them. It would seem that you are capable of sexual attraction, but not emotional intimacy. You meet lots of ‘nice’ guys, but you’ve only ever had strong feelings for one…who was he? And, where is he now?
Well two bits of good news: First thing is, no, there is nothing wrong with you. The second thing is, I can almost certainly tell you what your mental block is, and how to fix it. The bad news is, even though the answer is simple, it is not easy.
What is your relationship with your father like, and what was his relationship with your mother like? Our parents are not only our first experience of loving a member of the opposite sex, but also our blueprint for what love and relationships are supposed to look like. If they had a particularly dysfunctional or toxic relationship, it may be you have just never had a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like.
You can learn a lot about yourself but taking a closer look at the one man did you have strong feelings for. Look and see what it was in him that attracted you, and also look at why it didn’t work out with him. I bet you almost anything that he was substantially like your father, or at least the type of person you imagine your father to be.
Unfortunately, a person who’s capable of physical but not emotional intimacy is usually the result of one thing: A history of abuse of some sort. People who are physically or sexually abused tend to respond by becoming hyper-sexual, or completely asexual, and the connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy is completely short-circuited. If this is not the case, the root of your block is still in your past, probably before you were 10 years old, and definitely before you were 20…unless you experienced some sort of MAJOR emotional trauma after that.
The answer, however, is the same: Forgive the people who hurt you for whatever they did, or did not do. Remember that as we have talked about before, forgiveness is not saying whatever they did or did not do is right (because it certainly wasn’t ; it’s about releasing the pent up resentments you still hold in your heart. Forgiveness is not something you do for them; it is a gift you give yourself.
Once you are clear on who and what it was in the past, and have at least begun the process of releasing that negativity, then you’ll be ready to understand how men really work, and what it takes to find the perfect relationship. In the meantime, be patient with yourself and don’t push too hard. It took your whole life to get where you are right now, and it’s going to take some time and effort to get to exactly where you want to be.
You are great, and I love you!
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B. Dave Walters Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
Find out more about me: http://about.me/BDaveWalters
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