A Reason to Smile

Question submitted via Formspring:

“I am one of the oldest living virgin women at 34 years old. In dating, I have yet to trust anyone enough to take that from me. A long-time friend I trust has watched me struggle over the years, and offered a “virginity pact” – moral problem: he’s married”

We talked about this one in a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, along with: Getting people to listen to and *like* you! Why the Secret doesn’t work for some people, a 34 year old virgin, How to know if someone is ‘the one’, why we obsess about celebrities, wealth, fame, and more!
However, there is a lot more to say about this particular question.  Let’s start by breaking this one down into pieces:

  1. You are 34.
  2. You believe you are one of the ‘oldest living’ virgins, aka you are too old to still be a virgin.
  3. You have dated in the past.
  4. But, you have yet to ‘trust’ anyone enough to take your virginity.
  5. You are capable of trusting at least one guy (the ‘long time friend’).
  6. You have ‘struggled’ over the years with this.
  7. The friend offered you a ‘virginity pact’, aka he’d sleep with you if you were still a virgin past X point…a point you are probably at or past.
  8. He is married.
  9. You are aware that that is a ‘moral problem’, but still considering it…or you wouldn’t have submitted this question.

Based on your comment about not ‘trusting’ a guy enough to ‘take’ your virginity…not a man to give it to, or share it with…but TAKE it, it would seem like you have significant issues connecting with men emotionally.

This type of emotional disconnect usually stems from one main source: physical abuse.
Sometimes massive emotional abuse can cause it, but an inability/unwillingness to be physically intimate usually comes from a history of unwilling intimacy in the past, usually by a trusted male like a father, brother, or close family friend.  Of course, a person can choose to remain a virgin for religious reasons, but considering that wasn’t included in the question (and you are contemplating sleeping with a married man), that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

My advice to you: first and foremost, resolve your pain from the past.
Whatever happened before now, be it abuse, dad not being around, or all of the above, is clouding your ability to be available in the present moment.  And it’s clear that you don’t want to keep ‘struggling’ with this, so now is a good time to put this burden down before you waste any more years of your life.

Nothing, and I mean nothing good can come from it.   If all you are after is a physical experience, finding a guy to sleep with you won’t be hard at all.

Even if his wife is seemingly OK with it, it does not matter.  You have 30+ years of pain and baggage connected to your sexuality; if you are looking for a deeper emotional intimacy, a married man can’t give it to you.  Trying to get it from him will only compromise one of your few “healthy” relationships with a man, and ultimately drive you further from an actual healthy, loving relationship.  After all, you already have trust issues; why would you get involved with someone untrustworthy enough to cheat on his wife?

Instead, spend this time and effort getting to the bottom of what is stopping you from being open, available, and even vulnerable in your intimate relationships; once you are able to truly love yourself, you’ll be able to create the space to let someone else love you.   The alternative is the worst thing possible: nothing.

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

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