A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile


Q&A: The married man and the 34 year old virgin

posted by B. Dave Walters

Question submitted via Formspring:

“I am one of the oldest living virgin women at 34 years old. In dating, I have yet to trust anyone enough to take that from me. A long-time friend I trust has watched me struggle over the years, and offered a “virginity pact” – moral problem: he’s married”

We talked about this one in a recent episode of Rise UP with B. Dave Walters, along with: Getting people to listen to and *like* you! Why the Secret doesn’t work for some people, a 34 year old virgin, How to know if someone is ‘the one’, why we obsess about celebrities, wealth, fame, and more!
However, there is a lot more to say about this particular question.  Let’s start by breaking this one down into pieces:

  1. You are 34.
  2. You believe you are one of the ‘oldest living’ virgins, aka you are too old to still be a virgin.
  3. You have dated in the past.
  4. But, you have yet to ‘trust’ anyone enough to take your virginity.
  5. You are capable of trusting at least one guy (the ‘long time friend’).
  6. You have ‘struggled’ over the years with this.
  7. The friend offered you a ‘virginity pact’, aka he’d sleep with you if you were still a virgin past X point…a point you are probably at or past.
  8. He is married.
  9. You are aware that that is a ‘moral problem’, but still considering it…or you wouldn’t have submitted this question.

Based on your comment about not ‘trusting’ a guy enough to ‘take’ your virginity…not a man to give it to, or share it with…but TAKE it, it would seem like you have significant issues connecting with men emotionally.

This type of emotional disconnect usually stems from one main source: physical abuse.
Sometimes massive emotional abuse can cause it, but an inability/unwillingness to be physically intimate usually comes from a history of unwilling intimacy in the past, usually by a trusted male like a father, brother, or close family friend.  Of course, a person can choose to remain a virgin for religious reasons, but considering that wasn’t included in the question (and you are contemplating sleeping with a married man), that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

My advice to you: first and foremost, resolve your pain from the past.
Whatever happened before now, be it abuse, dad not being around, or all of the above, is clouding your ability to be available in the present moment.  And it’s clear that you don’t want to keep ‘struggling’ with this, so now is a good time to put this burden down before you waste any more years of your life.

But most importantly: DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MARRIED MAN.
Nothing, and I mean nothing good can come from it.   If all you are after is a physical experience, finding a guy to sleep with you won’t be hard at all.

Even if his wife is seemingly OK with it, it does not matter.  You have 30+ years of pain and baggage connected to your sexuality; if you are looking for a deeper emotional intimacy, a married man can’t give it to you.  Trying to get it from him will only compromise one of your few “healthy” relationships with a man, and ultimately drive you further from an actual healthy, loving relationship.  After all, you already have trust issues; why would you get involved with someone untrustworthy enough to cheat on his wife?

Instead, spend this time and effort getting to the bottom of what is stopping you from being open, available, and even vulnerable in your intimate relationships; once you are able to truly love yourself, you’ll be able to create the space to let someone else love you.   The alternative is the worst thing possible: nothing.

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:
http://about.me/BDaveWalters

Ask me anything:
http://formspring.me/BDaveWalters

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another — A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!

 



Previous Posts

How to finally change your life (VIDEO)
“Do not wait: the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you stand, and work whatever tools you may have at your command and better tools will be found as you go along.” ― Napoleon Hill As of the t

posted 5:24:13am Dec. 15, 2014 | read full post »

Q&A: “I’m trying to smile, but I’ve hit rock bottom….”
Question submitted via Formspring: “Hello, I am on the journey of my life moving leaving everything i know to move to NYC by myself. I had to stay in a shelter and am still here. I have

posted 6:14:09am Nov. 18, 2014 | read full post »

A crash course in creativity
In honor of the National Novel Writing Month (www.nanowrimo.org), in which we are all challenged to write a 50,000 word novel in a month, I wanted to put together a very quick crash course in creative writing. 

posted 11:56:00pm Nov. 01, 2014 | read full post »

The bad news about pursuing your dreams
We talked recently about what to do to have you breakthrough, and soon afterwards a friend contacted me about a hang up he’s having.  Essentially, he’s been in action towards achieving his

posted 1:13:09am Oct. 27, 2014 | read full post »

A full moon, a Blood Moon, and a Hunter’s moon; oh my!
Starting on October 8, his week will have a particularly powerful alignment when we have a Blood Moon, a Hunter’s Moon, AND a full moon in Aries will be happening all at once!  This is a particularly powerf

posted 2:44:05am Oct. 08, 2014 | read full post »




Report as Inappropriate

You are reporting this content because it violates the Terms of Service.

All reported content is logged for investigation.