A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile

Q&A: “I forgot to tell him I had herpes, and now he doesn’t trust me”

posted by B. Dave Walters

Trust is hard to build and easy to lose

(Unedited) question submitted via Formspring.me:
“My boyfriend found out that I Was drinking behind his back. We are not together now and I am 12 days clean He says I betrayed his trust and he can’t trust me again I also forgot to tell him that I had herpes. I told him after the effect. Help I miss him”

As a Life Coach living in Los Angeles and working with clients from all over the world, unusual questions are quite common; but this one takes the cake!

Let us break this one down into pieces:
1.you were drinking behind your boyfriends back, which means drinking must have been an issue in the past, since you felt the need to hide it.
2.You are 12 days clean, again proving it must have been out of hand.
3.You are not together now.
4.He says you betrayed his trust, and he can’t trust you again…which also means you said you wouldn’t drink again.
5.You ‘forgot’ to tell him you had herpes (!)
6.You told him after the effect…does this mean after you broke up, or after you gave *him * herpes?
7.You miss him now.


The first, second, and third thing you need to do is focus on yourself, and getting clean and healthy.
For whatever reason, it seems that you have a history of making poor decisions (becoming an alcoholic, trying to hide it, not revealing you have an STD, etc).

He says you betrayed his trust, and that he can’t trust you in the future; and the fact is you DID betray his trust, and he *can’t * trust you in the future, at least not until you get clean. Alcoholism is a disease, just like if you had cancer or pneumonia, and you CAN NOT CONTROL IT without professional help. I applaud that you are 12 days clean (or more by now, I hope). But willpower won’t be enough long term, you absolutely must see a doctor, go into rehab and get treated.

Speaking of diseases, it was a MASSIVE mistake to not reveal to him that you had herpes before you started sleeping with him.

You probably were afraid of what he might say when he found out, but whatever you fear will happen will ALWAYS be 10,000% times worse after the fact…ESPECIALLY if you infect him (or the next man).
Having herpes doesn’t mean no one is ever going to love you, and it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a meaningful intimate relationship with someone who knows what they are getting into. But respect the person enough to be open and honest about your situation; it’s not up to you to make that decision for them.

So, to be clear:
Your only chance to get him back is to get clean and get your head on straight, through a combination of rehab and probably therapy.
There are many things that can contribute to alcoholism, and you need to both get over your addiction AND identify what helped cause it in the first place.

Notice, that even after you are clean you may not be able to get him back, there has been some pretty significant deception here, and it will be difficult to get past. Even if you can’t get HIM back, though, you’ll be more stable for the next man, not to mention more comfortable in your own skin which is what really counts anyway.

What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!

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B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

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