(Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring:
“Hi, I am one of those “good girls” faling in love with “bad boys”. With a dad who was never at home and a mental unstabil mum. You say, we can not trust our first instinc in love! Then how can I ever know how to pick? I am confused. Thank you very much”
“Hi, I am one of those “good girls” that always fall in love with bad boys! My dad was always absence during my childhood and my mum very emotional unstabil. Our relationship is mostly bad. How can I, if I cannot trust my instincs, know what guy to pick?”
These questions are so similar, it seems like they were probably submitted by the same person.
So first, let us break this down into pieces:
- You are a ‘good girl’.
- You tend to ‘fall in love’ with ‘bad boys’.
- Your dad was never home / absent when you were growing up.
- Your mom is ‘emotionally unstable’.
- Your relationship is ‘mostly bad’ (with whom? Mom? Dad? Both?)
- I said you can’t trust your instincts when it comes to love (sort of).
- Now you are confused, and don’t know how to choose a good guy.
We talked recently about why ‘good girls like bad boys’, and it’s true that often times it is rooted in bad relationships with our parents and trauma from the past. Quite often, this kind of traumatic upbringing can leave us with Dr. Drew calls ‘a broken picker’. I’ve talked before about how I spent years stuck in a cycle of picking variously damaged girls that I could ‘help’. And, when I found ‘good’ ones, I would basically get bored with the relationship and move on. It wasn’t until I was able to recognize this about myself, that I was able to be open and available to a relationship with the right person.
So, how do you apply this?
Chances are extremely high that you choose emotionally unavailable men, guys who cheat, leave, or all of the above. Chances are also high that you find yourself in situations where you continue giving affection to people who don’t appreciate it, or don’t return it. And, when confronted with a guy who is open, honest, and with minimal baggage, you either aren’t attracted to him at all, or don’t feel like you are good enough for him.
First and foremost: forgive your mom and dad for what they did, and whatever they didn’t do. Especially if your mom really is mentally unstable, you have to learn to control what you make that mean. After you forgive them, you have to forgive yourself for everything that has and has not happened up until now. See, right now you are finding ways to recreate the same emotionally toxic relationships over and over.
Forgiveness is the only way to create space to create something better.
Once you have forgiven them and yourself, or at least starting the process of letting go of all that baggage, then comes the hard part: letting go of jerks.
Since the sad fact is, you can’t trust your instincts. Like every other sort of addict, you will always be naturally attracted to the wrong kind of guy, just like I am still naturally attracted to the wrong kind of girl. But, once you know this about yourself, you can stop falling for it.
It may be that you have to give that ‘good guy’ a chance, even though he doesn’t immediately give you that tingle in your tummy. Or, if you dare to give that ‘bad boy’ a chance, you LEAVE HIM the moment he starts acting like all the others have before him.
Since remember, there is only one thing that all your bad relationships have in common, and that is *you*. The good news is, you are the only thing all the good guys will have in common, too!
And by the way: if you aren’t sure where to find those ‘good guys’, this will help!
You are great, and I love you!
And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!
B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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