Question submitted via Formspring:
How is your day going? I hope really well, well I know! it is going well because you find the best in everything that happens 🙂
I wanted to ask a question, I hope it doesn’t take too much of your time and if you could give me an answer or point me to the right video to watch I would be really grateful! But if not it’s fine too I know you are a busy man helping people!
Basically, I find that sometimes I can’t say no to people in a certain aspect, so I agree to a date and then think why did I , I’d rather spend my time doing something else. I don’t like that this is so indecisive of me, I should know better what I want.
1) just some background info , I had 2 long term relationships both guys I did not like to start with and they sort of won me over by being really nice to me, so if I don’t like the guy to start with (looks alone do nothing for me) I think oh but he is trying so maybe I could fall in love with him even though i don’t see it now…
So the thing is this. When a date with a guy goes well, he asks me for another date, I find well I don’t really feel anything even though I had a good time, so I should give him another chance, so I agree to go on a date, which I now did, then I start thinking or but I really don’t want to – I just don’t see long-term thing and when I don’t like someone and they try hard to please me it sort of puts me off more, I would rather see an old friend or have a nice evening at home. What annoys me is that I am indecisive. So in such situations when I start doubting and not wanting to go on the second/3rd date do I just go with the decision I made in the first place? Or do I let him know I changed my mind.
This is not just 2nd 3rd date, one guy who is so so nice and a perfect guy for me I even went on holiday with him to TRY and like him back but I can’t he is a great close friend of mine, been so for 6 months now.
Another example for a point above I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months only, 2 years ago, after it was finished I knew I would never date this man again and still know so as there were things I wasn’t happy with and there is no reason what so ever why we should try again. Anyway he is in touch as friend and coming to London I agreed to see him as a FRIEND, but i feel he is hoping for more, he is having some difficulties so I thought I would speak to him more in person to set him off on positive thinking in life and he really asked to see me; but I am worried he will start asking about us again(he did on the phone I said let’s keep it friendly only please) and I might give him wrong idea by seeing him. So again, I want to not see him (I think I will just speak again over the phone and help him so or tell him sh*t happens think about your priorities and be proud). SO the problem is NOW I am thinking I want to cancel Monday I agreed I can only see him for 2 hours max. So NOW I want to cancel. I feel like a harmonious person should say think and do same things, well as much as possible, I say one – agree , then change my mind I don’t want to. At the same time I want to be nice to people, but also I think I first owe happiness to myself then spread it around, if it annoys me seeing him I might actually make him more unhappy than happy. And same applies to guys who I see again for dates only then to say no.
I wish there was an empty spell with men for me at the moment until just the one who I am mutually in love with comes along. This dating game is just little confusing for me at the moment.
So how do I firmly agree or disagree to see or not see someone, do I say I will let you know later and time to think before I say yes? And then when I start changing my mind what do I do? Or better how do I not change my mind!
Sorry for such a long message, you are great and I love you! :)”
Thanks for asking such a thorough question!
Although the question was long, the answer is quite simple:
“This above all else, to thine own self be true.”
People pleasing can be one of the worst habits we form. It seems good on the surface; “making other people happy makes the whole world a better place, right?”
*Because * it doesn’t make everyone happy; it creates generations of people burying their own happiness out of some misguided sense of obligation. So instead of everyone feeling happy, everyone actually ends up UNHAPPY since they are putting their own needs and wants second.
You can’t give what you don’t have; this is the true reason it’s important to follow your bliss (as you mentioned in the question). The happier and more fulfilled you truly are, the more you can truly give to others.
That’s not the real issue, though.
The real issue is why do you think it’s more important to please others than please yourself? Why don’t you give yourself permission to be happy?
Confusion comes from the idea that there is one ‘right’ solution in any situation; but the fact of the matter is, that isn’t the case. Excessive second guessing yourself is pointless: all you can do is make the best decision you can make with the information you’ve got. If you learn more, or see that it wasn’t a great decision after all, you will change and do something else.
No big deal.
Sometimes, we can have what Dr. Drew calls ‘a broken picker’; it means we are immediately attracted to people who actually aren’t very good for us.
In that case, if you have a history of choosing bad or abusive guys, then you may need to spend some time with guys who don’t immediately set you on fire in order to find the right one.
That being said, if it’s not there: it’s not there!
That’s what dating is for, to identify who does and does not do it for you over a long period of time.
So, to answer your specific question: if a guy has potential, go out with him.
When you realize he doesn’t, don’t go out with him anymore.
As for this guy coming to visit: cancel. You know he wants something that you don’t want, so one of two things is going to happen, perhaps 3:
1.You’ll feel uncomfortable, but it will be two bearable hours lost.
2.He’ll push hard, you’ll feel uncomfortable, and possibly give in; two bearable months lost.
3.You’ll slip up and fall in love, and realize later that it was a bad idea all along, possibly 20 years lost.
OK, the third point might be a bit much; but the point is: you know it’s not there. Tell him something has come up and you aren’t available; if he tries to reschedule, be vague and tell him you’ll get back to him.
In the future, decide what you DO want, and act out of that. Tap into that Divine Selfishness we’ve talked about before; give to yourself first and there will be more left to give to everyone else.
Love yourself enough to stand up for what’s best for you, and not give it up rather than offend someone that you quite frankly don’t really care about anyway!
Keep us posted on how it turns out.
What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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