(Unedited) Question submitted via Formspring:
“She and I met on the FB and wanted to get married(long distance relationship),she love me like anything and cant live without me and me too. But she’s quite reluctant to talk over the phone or web cam.
Only chatted online. I know she’s not fake. Now what?”
As a Relationships Coach living in Los Angeles, I hear all sorts of unusual stories, many of them surrounding long-distance and online relationships.
Let’s look have a closer look at this one:
1.You met on Facebook
2.You are in love
3.You want to get married
4.You can not live without each other
5.She is reluctant to talk on the phone or webcam
6.You’ve ONLY chatted online.
Well, I have some bad news for you: she isn’t who you think she is.
Not only that, chances are *extremely * high you aren’t REALLY in love, either.
Those are two big statements, and here is the proof: the only reason a person is hesitant to increase contact is that they are afraid of disappointing someone, or in being disappointed. Or, they just don’t’ want to, of course.
None of these are the traits of someone who ‘can’t live without you'; if it was she’d be dying to do anything to get closer.
You say ‘you know she’s not fake’ but the truth is, you don’t know any such thing; it could be ANYONE sitting at the keyboard typing messages to you, and without a voice or a face to put it with via phone or chat, there is no way for you to know for sure.
The most likely reasons are she doesn’t look like her pictures, due to having gained or lost a lot of weight, being older, or those not being her pictures at all . Or, if you all are from different countries she may be worried about her accent or ability to speak clearly and that is worrying her.
The way around this, is to offer her to talk via webcam so you can see each other, but you’ll type out the words rather than speak them. It may sound silly, but this is a good way to break the ice when people are shy of being seen. If she STILL won’t do it, then chances are high she doesn’t look like she does on Facebook.
As for why you probably aren’t *really * in love:
Chances are you are rather young, I’d say 22 years old or less and things seem a lot more…dramatic at that age. Even if you are older, the challenge with online relationships are: it’s not a REAL relationship.
The reason why this is, is people put their best foot forward in these situations. You get a persons best self interacting with your best self; you don’t see each other first thing in the morning, or when you’re sick, or had a bad day, with no makeup on, or with bad breath.
This is why people who get snared into cheating with people they meet online almost never actually work out; you end up comparing one person’s perfect portrayal of themselves against the TOTAL package of your mate.
To put it another way: the grass only looks greener because you don’t have to mow it.
My advice is slow down, slow WAY down; you really don’t know anything about this girl but words she’s typed on a screen. Take the time to find out who and what she is really (and let her do the same with you) before you start talking love and marriage.
Being in the same room together at least once before your wedding day is probably a good idea, too!
Other than that, if you insist on moving forward at this pace, point out to her that communication is the foundation of any relationship, ESPECIALLY long distance relationships. If you can’t communicate, you DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.
Ask her why she’s hesitant, and see what you can do to make her more comfortable. Once you ask her directly what she’s worried about, you may be able to work out a compromise.
Tell her you just want to see her beautiful face and hear her wonderful voice; tell her if she really loves you she’d want to hear yours, too; since it’s true.
Be careful, though: if she keeps resisting it’s a big, big, BIG red flag.
What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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