Question submitted via Facebook:
you are really great and I love you! )
I just watched the video on emotions and you are right about love patterns that we learn from our parents. I’m a happy optimistic person and have been working on myself for years. )
The problem is that I tend to choose partners who are not emotionally available and who don’t communicate well (as my father), or who are insecure, micromanaging, sort of aggressive like my mother (you described them great in the video). I realized as a child that it’s not a healthy relationship and my first reaction was – I don’t want to get married! Now I’m much older and I am really trying not to be like my mother, but caught myself in some situations reacting exactly like her. Trying to avoid that I consciously became like my father: passive in relationships, letting my partners decide about everything, not expressing my wishes, not talking about my needs and not getting what I want, which made me unhappy. Is there any way to say what I want, and be heard, without being aggressive? I really don’t know how to find balance and hope that you could help me.”
It’s amazing how much of an impact our parents have on us!
Their impact is so great that I did a whole episode on this very thing:
How to be a good parent by being a good child; how your parents upbringing / baggage can affect you; how to break the cycle of the past, and NOT pass your baggage on to your children!
For you, there are two things you need to be aware of:
1.What does Mr. Right look like?
What kind of man are you looking for? Write it down, and be specific; it’s not enough to say “I want someone caring, loving, and fun”; everyone wants things like that. You want to be as specific as “I want an athletic man who enjoys camping and will go see romantic comedies with me. He has to love his mother and live within an hour of me”, or something to that effect.
If you don’t know who you are looking for, how will you know how to find him? You already know what happens: you’ll pick more of the wrong guys by default.
2.Once you find the right man, you always catch more flies with honey.
What that means is, you get your way more often by being nice, than by being mean, and yet if you can’t communicate, you don’t have a relationship.
This happens quite often here in Los Angeles, as people are so busy trying to maintain a facade that they aren’t able to truly express who they are inside.
Be clear on what is bothering you, is it really HIM, or is it something from your past, or a meaning you are attaching to something that happens that really has nothing to do with him at all? Once you are aware of your own patterns, and consciously choose new ones, then expressing yourself will become more natural and much easier.
Remember that men and women communicate differently, and personality type has a lot to do with it, too. The right man should be WILLING to listen, and you should be willing to listen to him; it will take some effort to figure out the best way to communicate with each other, but you’ll be able to figure it out.
Just make sure it’s the right man this time!
Keep us posted on how it turns out.
What do you think ? Feel free to comment down below!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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