Two questions submitted via Formspring:
“On my first date with a guy I’m seeing, i ended up making out with him at the club for a long time. I really like him, but I don’t want him to think that I’m really easy you know? Do I pull back the level of intimacy or keep it the same or what?”
“I’m interested in this girl and we’ve a date soon but I want to know how to pace being physical with her. I’d love to make out and have sex with her that first date, but I want to be a gentleman. How do I pace myself appropriately?”
Interestingly enough, these questions came in at almost exactly the same time…I was almost worried the two people might be dating each other!
The reason why I put them together, is this gives yet another great example of how men see intimacy is different from how women see intimacy.
The answer to both of you is: wait. Even though it’s no secret that I don’t think you need to wait until marriage, wait just the same.
Why do I say this?
To the girl in the first question, keep it the same or pull back a little; if you pull back TOO much he’ll think something is wrong.
You say you ‘really like him’, so let me tell you this: nothing will drive a guy away faster than giving it up too easily. Notice, your first date was at a club; unless you are really young and/or a big fan of the club scene where you live, that’s already a red flag. Unless you went to dinner or something first and you just didn’t mention it in the question, he is already not approaching you in a gentlemanly way.
We’ve talked many times about how going out for coffee is the universal best first date, but going clubbing is pretty low on the list. Honestly, even if you think that’s a good first date you may want to reevaluate that. Dating is the time that you are supposed to get to know each other as people, what else can you do at a club besides dance, drink, and make out?
That is all well and good if you are just looking for a booty call, but if you are trying to create something more, it’s not the best place to start. The bottom line is, assuming he calls back (and he probably will), he will expect at least to make out if not more. Try and steer him towards doing something where you can actually talk and get to know each other, and try not to take the intimacy level up until the third for fourth date.
Any faster than that, and he will think you are ‘kinda easy’ and stop respecting you, if not bail completely.
To the guy in the second question, do *not* sleep with her on the first date, and don’t even make out unless she is clearly giving you all the signs. For all the reasons I gave above, (trying to) sleep with her on the first day is going to do one of two things: turn her off, or turn you off.
I get LOTS of questions from girls asking why guys stop calling out of nowhere, and 9 out of 10 times it’s because she got naked with him way too fast and he got bored.
Now, you *didn’t* say in your question that you ‘really like’ this girl, so I assume you are just a decent guy who is trying not to act like you aren’t after only one thing…even though you may only be after one thing!
Same as I said before, wait until at LEAST the third or fourth date to get naked, although at least a little kissing on the first or second date probably isn’t too bad. Again, I say that not only because you don’t want to risk offending her or getting bored…but if she give is up too easily you can be guaranteed you aren’t the only one getting it that easily. In this day and age of teenage moms and STDs, that’s a pretty bad combination.
So my ultimate advice to both of you is this: respect yourself, and respect your partner.
Girls, understand that guys have VERY different motivations than you do, and trying to win his heart through letting him in your pants will not work 99% of the time.
Guys, understand that girls have very, very, VERY different motivations than we have, and always treat her with caring and respect. Before you say or do something, ask yourself: if a man said or did this with your mom or sister, would you want to shoot him? If the answer is yes, then you probably shouldn’t, either. Remember she is a human being, not just a boob delivery system!
In conclusion: have fun, be safe, and enjoy the ride…just not till the third or fourth date!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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