A Reason to Smile

A Reason to Smile

Q&A: A married man falls in love with another woman…is that cheating?

posted by B. Dave Walters

No matter what happens, someone is going to get hurt

(Unedited) questions submitted via Formspring.me
part 1: there is a married man. he meets the love of his life 20 years ago, but they didn’t got a chance, cause he doesn’t wanted to leave his son. now he and his love find to each other again. but he’s still married and waits for the right moment to break

part 2: up with his wife. his son is adult now, he was a baby then. Is the man a cheater? in my opinion a cheater is someone who have sex with others and is mean (prejudices, sorry). but he isn’t mean, its just love… what do you think?

Los Angeles has one of the highest divorce rates in the country (as high as 75% in some areas), so it doesn’t take much to split people up here. The idea of meeting the person you want to be with and NOT leaving to be with them would probably be a pretty rare occurrence!

As far as your question(s), a couple of things.
I’ve gone on record before saying it is possible to love two people at the same time; but I’ve also said that I am strictly against cheating.

So which is it here?
First, chances are *extremely * high that he will NEVER leave his wife.
Why? Based on what you’ve written, it appears you are in another country which probably frowns on divorce (but please correct me if I am mistaken). Add to that ‘looking for the right time to leave’ even though his son is an adult is a big red flag.

He probably really does care about you, but “I’m looking for the right time to leave” is an almost universal sign of saying “I’m not leaving any time soon”.

Now, does this make him a cheater?
Honestly, it depends on what it is he’s doing. I’m not too big into labelling someone ‘an emotional cheater’, since if he falls for someone else, he has no control over that. If he *wants * to be with someone else, or even is actively planning to LEAVE FIRST and then be with someone else, then no none of that is cheating.
If he’s sleeping with someone besides his wife, then yes he’s a cheater. If he is having overly explicit conversations about WANTING to sleep with someone besides his wife, he’s probably a cheater. If he is neglecting his obligations to his wife in favor of giving affection to another woman, then yes that is cheating. Whether or not he’s ‘mean’ really has nothing to do with being a cheater; many unfaithful guys are very charming; it’s how they get lots of women!

I realize the automatic reply is: “but he doesn’t love her”…which is something else cheaters say all over the world.

The bottom line is, it’s up to HIM to get out of that situation, and you probably shouldn’t stand still waiting for it to happen.
Since no matter how deep his feelings are for you, what difference does it make if he is more committed to being with another woman?

And more than that, I’ve also written before about why it’s a bad idea to leave someone FOR someone else. Leaving his wife after 20+ years and all the baggage that brings, along with whatever cultural baggage comes along with it, too is almost certain to ruin your new romance.

Anything that develops between the two of you is the fruit of a poison tree.

He needs to decide if he wants to be with his wife or not, and either work with her or dissolve their marriage *completely * before even considering moving on to something new with someone else.

And quite frankly you should demand he be man enough to resolve his situation and make himself available to you totally and freely, or not at all.

What do you think they should do? Feel free to comment down below!

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B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

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