(Unedited) Question submitted via Formspring
“Hello Dave, I must admit that I like your articles on beliefnet and will like you to keep it up. My question is why is it so hard trying to get involved with a guy that doesn’t cheat, because all the guys I have been with had cheated at one time or the other.”
First of all, let me say clearly: not all guys cheat, since I myself never have and I have several guy friends who never have.
That being said, though: *LOTS* of guys do cheat. And there are two main reasons why you keep ending up with guys who do:
The first is rather simple, and unavoidable: it is impossible for a man to stop looking at other women; he can’t help it, it’s in his blood. But that is NOT an excuse for cheating; being able to control our impulses is what makes us different from the animals.
The second, much bigger reason you are having problems: you pick the wrong guys.
It seems based on your statement “because all the guys I have been with had cheated at one time or the other” you have what Dr. Drew calls ‘a broken picker’. For whatever reason, you gravitate towards the type of guy who ultimately cannot be trusted, and there is probably a very good reason why.
Look at your relationship with your father and his relationship with your mother.
Chances are extremely high that either 1. Dad cheated on mom, 2. Dad wasn’t around, or 3. Both.
It is very possible that you learned at a young age that ‘men who love me cheat/leave’, and you’ve been living into it ever since. If the issue isn’t with Dad, if you look into your early life, there is probably someone close to you who violated your trust, or seemed to leave you when you needed them most.
The solution, also has two parts: 1. Recognize you have a broken picker, and that the first guy who gets your attention is probably not the best guy to get involved with. I for my part am attracted to crazy girls with lots of baggage; once I realized this and started paying more attention I was able to find the right woman and have been happily married ever since.
2. Forgive the person who hurt you, even if you weren’t consciously aware that it hurt before now.
Since it is only after your forgive them for what they did (or didn’t do) that you can be free from this pattern and able to create something new.
You are great, and I love you!
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B. Dave Walters
Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host
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