Did you know that the average gestation for an elephant is 2 years!?!?!?… OMG!
Entering meltdown mode in 5…4…3…2… And…
Yeah. That about sums up the extent of the past 24 hours of my life. I am a total WRECK! I know it’s the hormones combined with a large dose of disappointment, but I am just SO ready for this baby to be here. I’m ready to feel normal, to be able to think with a clear mind, and REALLY, REALLY ready to sleep on my stomach again. Mostly, I’m just ready to have that bundle of happy in my arms, so I can feel just that, HAPPY. I’m so beyond excited to be a mom, but I am also so very impatient. You can ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I do not do well with waiting for anything. I’m a need to have it, and need to have it right now type of woman. I talked with you last week about my distaste for surprise, and well, lets be honest here… we all know that stems from a lack of patience.
So here I am, in the middle of life’s ultimate waiting game, and I’m about to pull my hair out. My inner control freak is freaking out!
Hey, at least I don’t look this bad… hopefully. :)I’m pulling out all the stops to distract myself but nothing seems to be working. I’m flying through work because I feel like if I get everything done MAYBE God will let this baby come. I know it doesn’t work like that. There is no magic key or secret action that is going to unlock my belly and let a baby fall out. (LOL… although, that makes for an interesting visual, and would be quite the story!) I seem to have a grasp on the idea that I’m out of control, but I’m having a very, very hard time getting my mind to let go and just let God do what it is He does.
That’s my biggest issue. It’s like I can’t convince my mind that God understands what I’m feeling. (YES, I know this is ridiculous!) Part of me wants to be mad or frustrated with Him for “not listening.” The other part of me is dying for Him to give me peace and joy through this period. Like with every conversation I have with you, I know balance is the key.
So for the rest of this phase of gestational purgatory I am going to do my best to find it. I think it’s completely normal for me to feel like time is ticking on in slow motion. I think it’s also perfectly normal that I’m impatient, but I cannot let these things become an excuse. I can’t live in a constant state of disappointment, or discontentment. I need to put a smile on my face and bask in the fact that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I won’t be pregnant for much longer, and I really need to try and focus on the great moments. I know there are parts of this I will miss eventually, and if I take them for granted now I’ll regret them later. I don’t want to welcome regret into this world along with my son. I want him to arrive feeling nothing but how much we love him, and how excited we are to be his parents! Even though the days are long right now, the joy of the Lord is my strength! God has a specific and unique plan for his life, just like mine, and that includes his birthday.
If you think about it this week say a prayer for me; that I would really truly give up control and let God do His thing in His timing. He knows exactly the day, hour, and minute that this boy is going to arrive, and he knows exactly why. Pray that I would find joy and peace in the waiting, and that I can focus and prepare myself in this short amount of time I have left. Lastly, please pray that he arrives safe and healthy. I can’t wait to meet him, but I do want what is best for him!
OH, and Thank you, Lord, I’m not an elephant!
This may sound absurd to some of you, but I REALLY, REALLY don’t like surprises… well, at least surprises that I know are coming. There isn’t much out there that frustrates me more than knowing something is coming my way and then having NO idea when it’s happening or what is going to happen when the time comes. Now, these things are somewhat avoidable in everyday life. I can typically persuade the “surpriser” to spill the beans, or snoop my way into the knowledge I desire; however, today I find myself waiting on a surprise that I cannot talk my way through, or dig up information about.
You want to know why I hate surprises? It’s because I’m a control freak. I can admit this. I have a big issue with just letting things “happen”. I like lists, plans, and expectations. I prefer to feel prepared and ready for all situations, good or bad. I do not like to be caught off guard… AT ALL.
So why am I telling you all of this? Because this time, for the first time, I’m completely in the lurch. I am officially 1 month from my due date and this baby can literally decide to show up anytime it wants. The only one who could possibly take a guess at when or how he is going to show is the one who created him. Don’t get me wrong, my lack of knowledge is not the result of a lack of trying. I cannot begin to describe the very deep discussions God and I have had over the past week. I have begged until I was pretty much blue in the face for Him to let me in on the “plan”, but alas, NO GO!
I am starting to come to grips with the idea that giving birth to a child is like anything else that could be considered scary, uncomfortable, or painful in life… it’s meant to put you in your place. Those occasions arise to prove to us that we are COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NOT IN CONTROL! It’s through painful moments that make us realize, WE CAN’T DO IT ON OUR OWN. That’s when we beg God to step in and guide us through it. It’s then we cling to Him for peace and comfort. Then, when it’s all said and done, we can’t help but tell everyone we know about the miracle God allowed us to be a part of. We tell everyone about the situation we couldn’t have survived without Him… In the end the glory is all HIS.
It’s these moments of understanding that allow my brain to truly grasp that this is one surprise I am going to have to suck up and live through. I know it’s coming. I don’t have a clue when. And there is no form of snooping that can reveal what I’m after. But I am very, very glad to know that no matter when or how he gets here, this little baby is proof that God has allowed me to be a part of a miracle, and I will make sure the world knows it!
This past weekend I had the opportunity to re-connect with a group of friends from home. Some I had kept in contact with, others I hadn’t laid eyes on in almost 10 years. Moments like those are rare. I’m so glad we took the time to hangout and catch up. Life is dramatically different now for all of us. Most of us are married or in serious relationships now. Several of us even have children on the way. The entire evening was great! During the night, we took out a box of old photos and passed them around. It was fun to relive fun moments and to make fun of ourselves as the years progressed picture by picture. As I looked through the box full of memories that traced back as far as middle school, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Why did NOBODY tell me!?” The hair, the clothing, everything… WHY? So today I’d like to issue an apology to the Amanda that existed from 1997-2002, and tell her what someone…ANYONE… should have said no matter how bad it may have hurt.
#1: Why didn’t anyone tell me to PUT DOWN THE MAKE-UP BAG?! I was so sad to see that I didn’t take the time to learn what make-up was really all about for a LONG time. Sure, my mom gave me the whole “Make-up is just to enhance what God gave you” speech, but apparently it didn’t sink in for a while. My whole face was covered in foundation that was too thick and didn’t match my skin at all. I was in 7th grade! Why did I even think I needed full foundation? Why didn’t I pick a color that matched, and — most importantly — where did my eyes go? The only thing that could distract you from my ghostly face was the THICK BLACK EYELINER holding my poor eyeball hostage. Me with Dad, circa 2001. EEESH!I don’t know what gets into us. I feel like every girl I know can relate to the eyeliner thing, but something inside us tells us that the only way to make our eyes to stand out is to cover them in goopy, black pencil. WRONG! SO wrong. The icing on the cake was my love of 12 layers of mascara that make my lashes stick together to create perfectly formed spider legs, and my lack of appreciation for bronzer or blush. For multiple years I rocked the “mask” face as I like to call it. It was a perfect white canvas with two black holes where eyes should be. TRAGIC.
#2. Why didn’t somebody teach me that it’s okay not to wear a size 3 (and to NOT try to anyway)?!Surely most of us can recall a time where we felt like we didn’t fit in. For me that was most of my growing years, because I literally didn’t fit! I started the 6th grade at 5ish feet tall and a size 16 in little girls, and by the end of 8th grade, I was already almost 6ft tall and in a size 11 in juniors. Throughout those three years my height and girth fought a battle against each other, and I would go from wide to long, wide to long, fluctuating in size the entire time. I’m pretty sure I NEVER saw a size 3. EVER. I jumped right past it. I remember crying when I had to buy my first size 11 pants. (Keep in mind I was almost 6 feet tall, and had I worn a size 3 like I wanted, something would have been really wrong with me) I hated changing out in gym class because I was afraid the other girls would see the number on my tag and make fun of me. I felt fat, and weird, and really left out. It took me a long time to understand that the number or size on a tag can’t define what normal is. The best way to feel good about your body is to dress it in what is most flattering. Sometimes that means accepting that there are certain trends that “everyone else” is wearing that just aren’t going to look good on you. It means quit squeezing into those jeans that are two sizes too small and give you “muffin top” just because that’s the size everyone else is wearing. Trust me, trends go by quickly. And the sooner you learn to dress your body in what fits and looks appropriate on you, the easier it will be to figure out how to incorporate “trendy” ideas into your specific wardrobe. So, to Amanda circa 2000… I am so very sorry it took me so long to understand how our body looked, and how much more comfortable we could have been.
#3. Most importantly, why didn’t anyone tell me I was perfect the way I was!? It just seems like a no brainer to me. Most women I speak to have experienced very similar feelings to what I’ve described at some point in their formative years. They remember how caught up in being “normal” they were. So why aren’t there more of us out there telling young women that they are perfect the way God made them? Look, I understand that doesn’t make the issues go away. In fact, I’m sure even if someone had taken the time to tell me it wouldn’t have sunken in easily if at all, but it just seems important to try. You know?
When I look back on those pictures now, I’m really not embarrassed about how I looked or how I acted. The truth is that if those things had come to me naturally, I wouldn’t appreciate the knowledge I have now. I wouldn’t be this strong without the chance to overcome the struggle. Although I do wish someone had offered up the honest advice I’ve been dishing, I don’t regret going through any of it. I don’t even cringe at the photographic evidence, I just wish someone had told me that I was perfect in a way I could have grasped it, or enough so it could register. Maybe I could have spent more energy on the things that mattered, rather than pouring over my body issues or hiding what I thought were flaws. Maybe I could have had more friends, been more confident, or been an encouragement to someone else if someone had just told me, “You are perfect.”
I know and understand so much more now. God doesn’t make mistakes. Our best attributes grow out of our greatest flaws. We are made to be 100% unique, and even the slightest differences in our bodies, minds, and heart play a significant role in the path that God has laid out for us. No one else is built or equipped for your story. Even on bad hair days, or fat days, or the day the unicorn horn of a zit pops up on your face, it doesn’t feel like it.
Although, I really do wish SOMEONE, ANYONE, would have pointed something’s out a long the way. I am still so very happy to be me despite my awkward, clumsy, raccoon eyed phase.
So , before I finish up this rant and move on, just in case SOMEONE, ANYONE never told you…. YOU ARE PERFECT!
YOU are PERFECT…
YOU ARE perfect!
Believe it yet? 🙂
Blah… RAIN, rain GO AWAY! You make me sad and sleepy and very unproductive. Rainy days have a way of making me feel down. I figure it’s the lack of light and the lack of motivation to get up and go and do. It doesn’t really matter either way, they are just BLEH!
Really, the only thing I want to do on dull, gray, dreary days is sleep. But alas, I have put on my big girl britches and decided to at least write this blog. I promise I will not spend the rest of this time complaining about the weather. In fact, I will use this time to cheer you and myself up and hopefully motivate you to go out and do SOMETHING, anything, productive today!
In the words of my friends formerly, and now once again, known as Audio Adrenaline, “I get down and He lifts me up!” That’s right, the Lord lifts me up. When I get all emo and blue on these types of days, I really just need to take a second and realize how blessed I am. I get to see the Lord work everyday. That’s amazing! I have every single one of my needs taken care of. It’s incredible! I can’t help but perk up a little when I think about how great I really do have it. I have no choice but to be grateful and smile, because I don’t deserve any of it. My life, my every breath, my soul purpose for being awake today is God.
I feel much better now. I guess I just needed to remind myself of what really matters. Rain, shine, sleet, or snow, my God is faithful. The least I can do is get out of bed and thank Him for giving me this day, and even this rain. Because like flowers and plants need this water to grow, maybe we people need it to remind us we’re still growing too? Hmm…
And if you just still can’t seem to shake those blues away here’s a little bit of happy to brighten your day!