PEARLY GATES JOKES: St. Peter and Paul, et al

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Messages: 1 - 4 (110 total)

12/21/1999 4:27 PM
1 out of 110

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year? .
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name waseither Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song ... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own ....., the prayer ... Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ..."

Saint Peter let him in without another word.

12/24/1999 12:20 PM
2 out of 110

Several persons who had worked in health care professions, having died, were lined up for (hopefully) entrance through the Pearly Gates into heaven, awaiting St. Peter's "gatekeeping" questions.

"And what area of health care were you involved with?" he asked the first. "I worked in a community health center in a poverty-stricken neighborhood," the man replied.

"Excellent," said St. Peter, "how self-giving; please pass through to your heavenly reward."

"And you?" Peter asked the second.

"I spent most of life in nursing, caring for the needs of suffering patients in their hospital rooms."

"A noble calling, indeed," said Peter, "you're in!"

"What about you?" he asked the third.

"Me? Well, most of my health care career was spent administering an HMO plan."

St. Peter got out his charts and some graphs and his pocket calculator. He plugged in his laptop and worked the keyboard intensely. After about a half-hour, he said to the man: "I've got some good news. I think I can get you into heaven for five days."

1/13/2000 3:40 PM
3 out of 110

A lawyer (yes, one of those jokes) arrives at the Pearly Gates and pounds his fist on the front desk.

"I demand a review! I was taken before my time!" he shouts at St. Peter.

The saint opens a huge book and looks up the lawyer's name. "Before your time? I'd say 700 years is enough for anyone."

The lawyer stares. "700 years? I was 34!"

St. Peter checks further. "Hmmmm ... there *was* a mistake. Looks like they were counting your billing hours!"

1/29/2000 3:57 PM
4 out of 110

Bill Gates arrives before St. Peter, who is obviously excited for him to be there. "Welcome, Mr. Gates!", he says, "since you're such a notable and famous charachter, my boss has authorized me to let you choose your own eternity."
Gates smiles. "Well, yes, that is only right", he tells St. Peter.
Peter leads him to what appears to be a peaceful park in a city. Some old men are playing chess on a bench, there are mothers playing with their young children in a playground, and older kids have a touch football game going on. "Okay, not bad", Gates says, "how about my other choice?"
Peter leads him to a beach, where there is a volleyball game going on, a keg of beer and the most beautiful women he has ever seen in the skimpiest of bikinis. "That settles it", Gates says. "This is what I want". Peter says "OK", and Gates is sucked into a fiery vortex, amidst the laughter of demons. As Gates disappears into the fiery pit, he yells at St. Peter "What about the beach? What about the babes?"
St. Peter says "Bill, that was the demo".

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