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Is attraction important? and how importan is it in a marriage?

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Messages: 1 - 4 (19 total)

	qtbabe 8/17/2007 3:34 PM	1 out of 19
	Hi I've been married for 16 years. I married to a loving, family oriented and well established financial, supportive man. A dreamed husband I would say??? But my problem is I don't find him attractive since the first day we met. He's not bad looking, but he's not my type for the look. But everythings else are 100% perfect as for a husband type. I found myself looking around when I'm out with girl friends lately and it starts to annoy me. I really hate myself for that but Can't control myself for looking at attractive men at the same time. I think I'm playing with fire and very afraid to destroy my marriage in the futture. What should I do? Can I survive???

	HDRomper 8/17/2007 5:28 PM	2 out of 19
	I've been married for 16 years. I married to a loving, family oriented and well established financial, supportive man. A dreamed husband I would say??? But my problem is I don't find him attractive since the first day we met. He's not bad looking, but he's not my type for the look. But everythings else are 100% perfect as for a husband type. I found myself looking around when I'm out with girl friends lately and it starts to annoy me. I really hate myself for that but Can't control myself for looking at attractive men at the same time. I think I'm playing with fire and very afraid to destroy my marriage in the futture. What should I do? Can I survive??? _______________________ You have a husband that has so many reasons for you to love him , but do not find him phyically attractive. Is it that he is too conservative in actions and/or dress? Maybe bringing out a little "bad boy" would help? You may want to consider where you are going to have fun and who you are going with? Are your girlfriends married and do they believe in being loyal to their husbands? What kind of support do you have? A few days ago there was a woman on this board (I think in the divorce discussions). Take a minute and read how things went for her and her husband when she slipped up while out drinking. If you do slip up, withing minutes you'll know you made the worst mistake of your life and it was not worth it. Sounds romantic doesn't it.... Take a minute and imagine catching your husband with a nice looking woman. That feeling in your chest is just the beginning of the pain your husband would feel. I read in a book written for men (also went to the class) that it is a good idea to have someone that you trust enough to tell what is going on and report weekly to that person on whether you are passing the test or not. In my opinion it is not abnormal to see or talk to someone that you find attractive. It is what you do from that point on that matters. If you spend time dwelling on it you are setting yourself up for failure. My wife is very attractive and every once in awhile I see a woman that is attractive to me. I just change the channel in my mind. Had to learn how to do that..... also, we do not go out for drinks without each other. The fact that you have asked for help says that you are a good person and want to do the right thing. What would you tell another woman to do?

	Hatman 8/17/2007 6:11 PM	3 out of 19
	qtbabe- First, to answer your question, when love becomes more than the childhood infatuation, it matures into a daily choice. Do you think you look particularly attractive to your husband when you first awaken of a morning? When you're barfing your lungs out into the toilet because of the flu? When you've put on a few extra pounds? Do you doubt that he loves you? If you do not find your husband attractive, have you told him so? Do you have any suggestions on how he could BE more attractive to you? If you present any ideas on how he could be more attractive to you, do you think he would be amenable to honoring your request, or do you think he'd reject it? Or is it just that you want to somehow make it ok for you to have an affair? For someone to tell you, "Yep; you're not attracted to him anymore, so it's ok for you to date"? You say you've been married sixteen years. SIXTEEN YEARS! And in all that time, "from the FIRST day you met", you say, you have NEVER found him attractive---yet you married him anyway. Does he know this? Or have you hidden this secret in your heart all these years? Is your sex life active? Do you have children? But if you are truly interested in learning how to make love a choice---attractiveness, too, for it is something the mind can be trained to generate---then I'd recommend a couples weekend at Retrouvaille.(since you're new here, afaik, you may not recognize it, but the word "Retrouvaille" is a link to that website.) If you spend any time on this board---or the dating board, or the singles board, or the "divorce and separation" board---you may soon discover that men like your husband are quite rare. If you do not soon find a number of things about him to appreciate, and yes, be attracted to, I expect you WILL ruin everything---then spend quite a few years in regret, as you discover, to your dismay, that the men who ARE available are quite inferior to your husband. But keeping how you feel---and have felt from the BEGINNING of your relationship---a secret? Doesn't that strike you as just the slightest bit dishonest? Kinda like you've been using him all these years? Put the shoe on the other foot; pretend that you are your husband, and he is your wife. If he had married you for how well you provide for him, how much money you make, how many nice things you could give to him or do for him, having sex with you only when he could stand it---how would you feel, do you think, should he one day disclose that he'd been using you all along? That he'd NEVER been attracted to you or loved you? But if you decide to be completely honest, end things as swiftly as possible; do not prolong his agony, do not demand more than is your fair share from the marital assets, do not shirk any of the marital debt that is your share, none of that. Remember, attractiveness or unattractiveness begins in the mind and heart, and so does love. What is in the mind and heart can be YOUR choice, and no one else's. Warmest regards- Hatman

	DustyLady 8/17/2007 7:22 PM	4 out of 19
	You've been given some very good advice already. But I would like to add my two cents' worth, if I may. You say that your husband is not attractive. How do you define attractive? Is it all about being good-looking? What do you consider to be attributes that make a man attractive to you? I also wonder what it was, 16 years ago, that prompted you to marry this man. Have those qualities changed over time? It is rare to find a life partner who has 100% of the qualities that we are looking for in a mate. If you do find such a person, count yourself extremely fortunate. What we usually end up having to do is deciding how close a particular person is to our ideal, and if that's close enough. Sometimes that means prioritizing our target qualities, and looking for someone who has most of the really important ones but may be lacking in areas that really aren't all that significant. I've encountered many men, over the years, who may have been extremely handsome but who were quite literally what I would call "creeps." I guess what you're going to have to decide is whether good looks is more important than being a good provider or a good father, and so on. Good luck to you. Dusty

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