Mrs. Uptown saved from drowning

So I posted about the Philadelphia rally for Jesus--the one that, on a good day, could be described as "well-meaning but over the top" and, on a bad one... oh, but I cannot be invoking the "H" word.

And sparks flew on the message board. The usual sparks. You know, like when Swami attacks some monstrous imbecile move by the White House, he's "shrill" and "bashing Republicans." Or, as here, when he points out that some Christians seem to have trouble remembering Jesus was a man of peace, he's "attacking Christianity."

One poster wondered if, perhaps, there was something in Swami's past that set him off on these delightful Christian children, who were merely praising the Son of God with messages of might and murder.

Why, yes, child, there is.

And old-timers knows it, because once upon a time, when Swami was off for a rest cure, Mrs. Uptown sat in and told you all about it.

Mrs, Uptown was--oh, I can't type it....but I must--one of Them.

It's like this. She lived in a small town in Minnesota-- so small that, in the elementary grades, she went to a one-room schoolhouse. In the summer, lots of people came up from the cities; in winter, all was emptiness.

There were two activities for teens in the winter.

One was drugs.

The other was End-Times Christianity.

The Christians were reading books. And discussing them. Mrs. Uptown loved to read. She cast her lot with the Christians.

Oh, the Apocalypse! The Rapture! Flying demons! Warrior angels! Infidels! Satan!

Very racy stuff they discussed. But not so much about Jesus.

One day Mrs. U looked around. And this part you must get right. She did not look around and say, "My Gawd, these people are unattractive!" She did not say, 'These people are stupid." She said (to herself, of course, because one thing she's got is Manners), "These people all have a physical or mental defect."

And she ran off to New York and the comfort of Jewish men. And there she was saved from drowning by--years and years later--this Jew-Bu.

What, you may ask, is My Point?

It's this: I don't just sit here and spout. In my day, I have watched--granted, in the Owner's Box in Yankee Stadium--Rev. Moon spout some dimwit mumbo-jumbo. I have sat, stomping my feet, in the back of a Baptist Church in Jamaica during Revival Hour. I have attended a Catholic "Couples Weekend" and discussed holy relationships. Once, at a Maharishi lecture, I picked up a woman whose brother was Jimi Hendrix's music publisher. (If she's reading this... well, you know...)

And I do understand--really I do, for I have, despite my privileges, been broken in spirit and weary of heart--that religion means nothing unless it reaches out to "the least of these."

But--and please reflect a moment, posters, on the trouble some of you have holding two thoughts, two opposing thoughts, in your head at one time--I have also seen people reach out to the least of these with the intent of picking their pockets and enslaving their minds.

And I have seen--and so have you--Christian evangelist after Christian evangelist living high, collecting torrents of donations, and then, out of the blue, revealing that something funky happened in a motel room with his assistant.

And I have seen--and so have you--what happens next: the trotting out of the Faithful Wife, who, drenched in Christian forgiveness, Takes Him Back and Reaffirms Their Bond.

And I think: Who are you people to condemn the homosexuals? Who are you to speak against the foreign and the strange? Who are you, finally, to tell anyone how to behave?

And then--yesterday--I wrote on HeadButler.com a piece about the great Zen master Shunryu Suzuki. A wondrous teacher. Who gave very little guidance. Judged not. Lived humbly. And had no sense of his own greatness. Indeed, thought he was no great moral example.

Now, before you scream, Buddhists have scandals too. There's no end of wild sex-and-booze stories at some retreats. And high priests have turned out to be some of the worst offenders.

But there's a difference. The Buddhists do not exalt themselves. They don't hold themselves up. They say: Find the Buddha in you.

Now, I don't know if the leaders of the Philly March have evil intent. That's why I posted the article. And why I ask you again: Christians? Or Exploiters? What's their game? Are they into saving souls? Or just their savings accounts?

I'd love the message-board posters to dig into this. As opposed to taking easy jabs at me. Trust me on this, kids: I don't feel them.